In Search of Zen- My 2001 Blog Post to date..

Allah is indeed Great!! or God is indeed Great or Lord Brahma is indeed Great!! Jehovah is Indeed Great too for those who knows Him and so is the Great Spirit, indeed Great! Christ is Great and the Universe is indeed Great!! I may have left a few out, but they are all Great!; I am the witness to their Greatness!! This I bow to in humbleness and humility, before the All that is Great, in of Humanity as a whole. I am a manifestation of this witnessing of the event in the here and now; I am that i am.For so long as I am a breathing, eating , sleeping, shitting human being, I am nothing more than a temporary manifestation of that which is the witness, the observer; I am not that Great.

There was a time I wrote in one of my sketchbook/journal, "I have faith so many beliefs and faith that I forgot how to have faith ni myself!" This was years ago when I was in college at the University of Wisconsin. Green Bay and to take a whole lot of close look into who I was and what I was capable of and exposed to living as a bachelor in a small MidWestern Town of Green Bay, sometime between 1973-4 - 1982. Yes, higher learning threw me into a whole new dimension of existence, it was a transformation in my life after 3 years of being a meat cutter working in a Packing House to pull myself together, having a wife and child at the time. I almost gave up, but the little voice in my head whispered to me to take a good close up look at my situation, and I did. I woke up or it woke me up. I realized that I had to take on whatever that came my way as an income earner and so I worked as a bonner or meat cutter at the green Bay Meats and Cold Storage may still be there or may have folded.

I am sure I have written of this experience a few times in the past, it is one of my favorite when telling about who I was at one time or another. I was fired from the plant one Saturday morning when the whole crew at the plant decided to go on strike over long working hours and so forth. That's a story in itself, or how I pointed a 357 Magnum pistol at a fellow worker one cold winter morning in the parking lot of the Plant, just o prove to myself that I too got balls. I am not too proud of myself when it came to my domestic affairs or my mental health for that matter; I became an excessive drinker and womanizer. But that was a phase i had to wade through with my sanity intact before it all fell to pieces.

My admission into the University was a miracle and definitely my saving Grace; I found a refuge in becoming a student again. How I was accepted is another episode that till this day still is a mystery to me. From a packing house bonner for three years, I became a University student and all I had to do was sat the SAT test to qualify for a place. I did despite the fact that it included Maths, my horror of horrors since primary school. I told my neighbor living in the same as my family did that there was no way I could pass any maths paper and so I was fucked. But he being a councilor at the University was persistent and insisted that I applied and I did with the guarantee that I got a math counselling teacher and I did. For the three math tests for the whole semester I scored 100% correct! Like Wow! I, who walked out of my Lower Cert, Math Paper and two years later walked out of my Senior Cert. Math paper. I who was the only student excused from my math classes, I Aced the SAT Math paper with flying colors!

So, do I believe in God anff small miracles? I definitely do. God is that small voice the whispers in my mind when I most needed to be heard and least expected to hear from. Allah has been closer to me than I can imagine, He/She allows for me to make mistakes, take chances, become disenchanted and sometimes even despair and He/She is there just when I was about to throw in the towel and say, fuck It! I took faith into my own hands and lived life to the fullest as an Art student a the University in Green Bay. I woke up one day and beat my chest like a Alpha Gorilla and took life at its best and worse. For eight years of my life, five being spent at the University, ( cause I enjoyed it so much), I lived a life of hedonism and debauchery, and no kidding. This Malaysian, Artist wannabe, found himself like a wolf in a hen house. All hell broke loose until, the Higher Power decided to again tap me on my shoulder calling me to quit while still ahead and move on with life; I did, I moved to San Francisco, ( in search of Zen)