Rambling on about nothing...

Tried to explain what the word nadir means to my adopted son and young friend at the MGTF where i found him working on a booklet for an upcoming convention called COP or Convention of Peace, organized by the University,USM. This convention and movement is towards finding a morally and religiously equitable solution to the predicanmnet of the Mrros on the Island of Mindanao in the Philippines. After our customary greetings which i chose in a more quiet manner less jovial as normally would, I told him how we sometimes lie to one another when we greet and ask for our well being. How are you doing?, What's up, Hows it going, and most of the time the answer would be more of positive in nTURE WHEN SOMETIMES IN ACTUAL FACT WE ARE AT THE NADIR OF OUR LIVES.
                                                                       

 oops a slipped my finger so let it be , He had more had more insight into the matter and we laughed over it like we both saw the predicament of our lives and perhaps the whole of humanity and i said to him, there is saying in English, "You cannot have the cake and eat it too!"  Tried to Translate into Bahasa Malaysia as best I could and to prove the point in our conversation about what? Truth? The Lies we tell one another, or that I am at the nadir of my life again, or that I just had a blast with my kids on kapas Island in Terenggnau, ...this is it.

it, is kinda what the subject is all about, Why do we go through our lives like a roller coaster up and down up and down and for some it is the ride of their lives sucking every breath out of them just to survive the day! And then I shared with the story about last Friday prayer at the Mosque where my mind just blurted out in my head,that i beg to differ with Allah that He created a perfect life for humanity. It was the first time this ever happened and it surprised me.and I felt scared at the same time. Here Iw as I thought in deep meditative state of just breathing and listening to the sermon and out of nowhere this loud protest from within. what if i had shouted it out right in the front row of the lines of congregation? I most probably would have been excommunicated if there is such a verdict in Islam.
I try to make sense of how my mind  works for myself by my actions especially in art and my writings and it is with the hope that it becomes another good reading for someone out there looking for some sanity or some answers or a have a small Satori over an episode or a joke, so be it. But in the process of my own self dissection of my body mind and spirit I will do my utmost to record my ups and down for the day as it passes and these days the record keeping has been sluggish due to that old feeling of lacking, not being all together there or here and feeling a sense of useless- ness which in the past has let to despair, the nadir of a man's existence is when this happens. Tried to share my feelings with my daughter while I was driving her to work and after whining and groaning mostly to myself I turned around and told her, as they say, and this too will pass. She said," Yeah and I have heard that for the past ten years, Dad." The stick dropped on my back like, whack! Like wake up Dad!
So the reason more why I need to go to India or back to the organic farm, and do a little bit more of soul searching and polish up on my sense of being in the moment and in mindfulness practice.It is like where am i going wrong? Is this all there is to it. Get a Job! Here have more doubts. Because bottom line money talks and bullshit walks, and India is a long way off to walk. Oh well if i cannot make it to 'Mother India' I will just have to settle for Little India downtown there by Beach Street. where the food is better they say, music is louder and the crowd as colorful as the ones you see in the Mother Country. They say Penang has the best of both worlds, food and spirituality.So why the need to travel so far and waste all that time and money and not to mention you might collapse and die due to too much heat and people.These are actually arguments that comes out of my friends when I told them of my intended journey. Some roll their eyes and, " Oh, here he goes again!
Dreaming is still free last I heard and all I am good or so it seems at is being a dreamer, a child still hungering for that moment in time and the feeling of connectedness of being at one with my mother when i was sharing the comfort of her womb along with my twin brother. Yes I am a seeker looking to find my way home to that which is peaceful and safe, to that from which i had come, from that which is my source, from that to Whom I belong; may I find my way back to the Light of Consciousness Itself.I do feel like something major is about to happen in my physical body, like I am loosing my stamina, lack of energy and aches and pains that are ever increasing all over. My body is telling me it is getting toxic from too much exposure to the city environment It is getting much too difficult to stay in touch within from too much distractions without. Time to retreat and re-energize, replenish and rejuvenate, time to shed some serious sweat, back to the Farm!
Whatever my choices may be it is still subject to making sure my children are squared away like Marissa back to college and Timo back to Switzerland till then there is not much that I can do or want to and as a matter i am applying unnecessary pressure upon myself to do something when all this is about is doing nothing.  I thought I have learned that somewhere sometime not too long ago...but.what can I say, the show must go on? If I have earned any form of lesson all these years it would have to be that, Shit Zhappens! and life goes on.