To All The Women In My Life...Happy Mother's Day! -1

The Path to Salvation is written in the skies.

Kitaro will always amaze me when i listen to his music and i have been listening to Matsuri ever since i can remember often creating a mood to what i am doing like at the present moment of sharing this insignificant information, I am listening to Kitaro. I listened to Kitaro while living in Green Bay, Wisconsin and i listened to Kitaro while living in The Aleutians, Alaska, I listen to his music while driving back and forth on the Golden gate bridge on my way to Green Gulch Zen Center from San Francisco, and I listen to Kitaro while living in Sendai Japan and have been listening to Kitaro ever since i returned to this country and living along the South China sea in a small town of Kuala  Terengganu. it is 3.24 AM and i am still listening to Kitaro.
Used to love listening to Pink Floyd when i was in college and most of the time when i was high in San Francisco living on Haight and Ashbury and still every now and then I plug in 'Wish You were Here.' just for old times sake, brings back memories of those who i had spent my time listening to these music with...the women in my life. A subject i have always been hesitant and afraid to write about and it is the most crucial part of my existence for the women in my life had held me up and struck me down time an again throughout my adult life. I have had more than my share of relationships and along with it i have many horror stories to lvie with and most of the time i had the best time of my life with the women who i have had the opportunity to have a relationship with, here in this country and the United States.
If i were to recount the number of women i have had an affair or relationship with and those i ended up marrying I know i will miss one or two.; my bad! But the women in my life had me by my cajones and I did some of the most craziest things in my past just for the scent of a women. Why am i afraid to write about this most pertinent issue of my life? I have too many cans of worms to open and what i tell will affect others for better or for worse. I have confronted my nemesis and have to yet arrive a reconciliation with myself for all those short term and broken relationships and the hedonistic life that i have led before i married my late wife, Nancy. I am not proud of my past relationships with women and i hope and pray that they will forgive me as i too forgive them. I am ambivalent about writing about the women in my life also i do not wish to become like a brag. I will have to fully understand my intention and sincerity if i were to attempt at exposing each and every women i have had the pleasure of sharing a bed with.
This Blog has become a spiritual journal one that is like the peeling of the onion of my self and as such it would not be complete if i sweep my past rights and wrongs in dealing with the opposite sex. At the end of my day i will have to face the music with my Maker on this subject and I cannot even imagine where to begin! On that note, I think it is best that i begin to at least find some understanding for myself before i am up before my Lord. I love women, I mean I am simply obsessed about women for as long as i could remember and it has cost me many a painful moments n my life while at the same time had brought me the physical and spiritual joy that only a woman to give a man and in this sense i feel i am one of those most fortunate men when it comes to loving a woman and making love to a woman. I think God created women only second to life itself. Fornication would be my greatest sin, of this i am positive and the Good Lord does not even have to refer to the records to find me guilty of this cardinal sin.
I will not allow my mind to stay from this episode of my life into self mortification or making it an achievement of success other than how things played out for each relationship as each had a vital lesson that i learned about myself. my strength and weaknesses, my neurosis and my innocence, my love and my lust for women, I will try to be aware of what it is that i intend to share without any form of judgement or accusations nor will I try to hid my genuine anger or wrath towards certain issue in my life when in a relationship with the opposite sex, from my mother to the rest of the women in many parts of the world. I have not made love a woman for many years now since I can simply say after my daughter was born. I am a  celibate not by choice but perhaps as a Karmic retribution for having had made so many errors in my ways with women in the past. It is not that I did not try but I keep making the same wrong choices, like falling in love with the wrong kind of person, especially those untouchable, like married women. So I gave up after my last effort with a married Phi[ipino lady who said she was going for a divorce, I fell in love with her and was about to take my leap of faith and make it happen but I was committing adultery no matter which way I looked at it and so I had to abandon this relationship simply because I do not need to add to my Karmic baggage.: creating karma to destroy karma.
Next to my anger issues my sexual drive is what I have been working on and now it is as good as any time to start looking deeply into what is it all about? Why do I have this intense drive to posses women sexually so much so that on looking back on some of the things i have committed in order to satisfy my lustful cravings is very scary to say the least. It is so disgusting at times that I will not even dare to divulge it here lest my mind slips into a pornographic rambling just to paint a picture my inglorious sexual escapades.But be as it may, i should have submitted myself to have my head worked on by a shrink to find out why I have been the way i was in my earlier years growing up with absolute lust in my mind. This may sound like a confession and it is in more than one way but it is also my way of healing my  splintered soul that has suffered from all my escapades, my one night stands and my lack of  care and compassion towards those i have had a relationship with. The question arises as to how do i see a woman, the mother , the daughter, the sister the nieces, the friends and lovers, how do i perceive them to be. Why am I so attracted to them especially sexually more so than i can safely say than most of my male friends and relatives.
What karmic consequences am I playing out in this life for what i had committed in the past lives, if i am a Buddhist or what is the sin that I have committed that has seen me grovel like a dog in heat whenever i see an attractive woman. Is it in my DNA? Am i simply no different than the next guy with a healthy libido, like so why the fuss? The fuss is in having to find an answer to give to my Maker when i am standing before Him and no fuss whatsoever if i am no answerable to anyone or anything for my actions so long as i was not destroyed by it or found a compatible or even justifiable solution to the outcome. I am dancing my death song, finding an acceptable conclusion to all that i am and will be accused of when it comes how i treat the women in my life past present and future.
I have pretty much been a father as well as mother to my children and since the demise of my wife Nancy, this role became a reality. It is much easier to be a father than play the role of a mother for your children, a father can walk away where a mother would stick around to the end.:.deja vu, I have said this before somewhere in my blog. I can feel what it takes to be a woman and then some. There is a strong famine nature in me and i recognized it at a very early age in my life and had dealt with it sexually and was able to transcend this part of me through taking it on and playing it out; I was gay in my teens years when the word gay was not used yet, but i got into it like it was something naturally special, it was an expression of my sexual energy and not some malfunction of my libido, or a mental deficiency, or son of Satan. I gave it up for women when i started getting to know one after another throughout my life till i married Nancy and had my two children; I decided that enough was enough.
I am beginning to drift towards looking at my past as something to be proud of, not really but at the same time it is also true; all I am saying is I made it through without getting stuck on or sucked into my weaknesses or unhealthy habits, I cut homosexuality off when i was a teenager and today although I am no more gay i respect men who are, just as I respect those who are fortunate enough to have to walk this path in life. With tis admission, for whatever it is worth and how much or who it will rattle, i feel a little lighter in my heart and soul. By the grace of the All Mighty I hope and pray that he will find it His Grace and mercy to forgive me my transgressions and those that were involved with me in making them happen.
TO BE CONTD>

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