And this too shall pass...

Comparing my status living day to as I am is one of the most intrusive and negative element that threatens to tear me down psychologically and emotionally if not spiritually. I am every so often invaded by thoughts that I am not doing much and wasting my time away compared to my siblings, my relatives and friends.  r These thoughts creeps into my head like some sour smell making me feel like I am a looses  who has given up on life while seeking for spiritual answers within me as an escape. Am I? Am I becoming a good for nothing has been apperson with no more gumption to go out and get it kind of person I used to be not too long ago? Or am I assuming that my siblings, relatives and friends are living the life of Riley while I am among those who have given up. Perhaps I am, perhaps I am and all these'Way seeking Mind' trip has been one long hoax of a self delusion. 
It would indeed be a sade realization to discover that it had all been a waste or that I should not have my thirst for life living the Bohemian lifestyle I am well known for in my younger days. A Man who cared fro nothing and feared no one, willing to take chances and walk away from relationships at the drop of a hat, a a man, stubborn, proud and mostly angry at the world. I did got allot more done for better or worse back then and was at times the envy of those who played it safe with life's trials and tribulations. I took what life had to offer, wine women and money and threw it all back out at the world and I 'have squandered my resistance for a pocket full of marbles' like the song said, felt little or no regrets while I was at it. I had allowed my ego, my mind to take hold of my appetites thinking that to resist was futile and would add up to my neurotic tendencies and so i fulfilled as much as I could anything and everything that came my way and I survived.
Why do I feel less than accomplished today, why do I feel lacking and even guilt ridden when sitting and reflecting what has been? Is this what growing old is all about? Perhaps it is and my past is catching with me or that God is preparing my for what is to come by reminding me my waking me up to work towards cleaning up spiritually with the extra years I have been given. If so, is my meager effort at praying and asking for forgiveness enough to cover all the past mistakes I have accrued? Perhaps not. Perhaps I am destined to face the worse case scenario, like hell in the hereafter. If this is so than I do envy my siblings and my relatives and friends who are good religious people, who has lived life according to the divine will and plan. 
As for me, I can only hope for the Mercy and Compassion of a  loving God who had allowed for me to walk my own path in this life as His way of testing me. I  will live on making sure that all my effort at trying to have a right understanding of who I truly am and why I am here living a life of delusion in an illusory existence; the world of Maya.
"I am Whole, Perfect, Strong and Powerful,
 Loving, Compassionate, Harmonious, and Happy!,
And i can do what I will to do,
So help me Lord!"

And this too shall pass...