My Tooth is gone but the pain lingers on...

I think just about any one would agree that there is no bigger sin than a tootheache, its there, just gnawing away at your nerves leaving you helplessly in agony that at times it is even hard to think!
My last entry was an excited recurrence of my long time passion of undertaking an environmental issue to the task, that of cleaning the Sungai Pinang river in Penang. I spoke to saverl friends on the matter about the idea and got a mixed response from them. One or two decided that it was genuinely a great 9idea while oithers thought that now is not the time or some other excuses why it could not be carried out. It is ver interesting to note how or what people think about a project that demands immediate action yet would incur high cost rather than make money. The economy is not so good is a common excuse for the nays and the people are not ready for this whole idea of collective coorperative venture to undertake such an effort, lets put it to the back burner for now and concentrate on luring more tourists to the island or make sure that the people have the demands met with to keep them happy. The hell with the dirty rivers and clogged up drains in the meantime, theres plenty of time for that and hey, it does make a good topic though when we run out of things to gripe about.
Why am i so hyped about the damn river anyway? After all it has only been for tha last thirty odd years that this particular river has really been dubbed the worst polluted river in the country, what's a few more years till we can afford to take serious look at what we can do about it. So relax take it easy and try to ignore tha impilses you have about the goddamn river, focus on your upcoming shows! Like where the hell are you goping to find the fundings for the perchasing of your art materials, canvasses, and mounting them, paints and brushes and whatelses that you need to do your work with? Theres three solo shows lined up for this year and they are fast approaching the datelines and how the hell did i got myself into this bind? For the longest time i had shyed away from exhibiting my works for this very reasons and now that i dcided to go full time I am finding myself trapped into producing under pressure. But the dye is cast and commitment hasto be met with, this the nature of the business and so now i have to scrounge around for the meands to get my works done for these upcoming shows like it or not.
Yes I have to focus on what is relevant to my own survival and stop this pipe dream of an undertaking like cleaning a river, its too big an issues especially when I am indepedantly unwealthy. Such is life, you can only try to do just so much while the rest will have to be KIV for the next life perhaps. In a year's time i will turn sixty, an old fart who should start thiking about what to leave behind for my children when i am dead and gone. It is perhaps time to narrow down my options and rein in my impulses and passions, at least those that are way beyond my reach. START ACCEPTING THE FACT THIS IS IT! Join those who have gone before me in the pastures and meditate upon the afterlife. Face the fact that I have tried to excell in what i seek to accomplish but the end is in sight and what i have attained thus far is all that there is to go for and i'd better learjn the hard facts of growing old and being defeated by impermanence. When all is said and done at the end of the day we all have to come to some sort of conclussion about who or what we are, why or how come we are where we are at, the question of what brought you here!
My aching jaw from the removed molar is all there is that i can at present indentify with and it is the only thing that makes any sense abpout who or what i am at the moment and this is all i need to be here and Now.

My personal advise to the Newly elected CM of Penang

The future is in the hands of the present and those who are on position to make the difference are resposible to those who will inherit the country.

Get the Sungai Pinang River clean up project on the roll without anymore excuses! In his interview with the public which was published in the Star news paper Mr. Lim touched on this issue answering one question that was of an environmental nature by one of the questioners. The sungai Pinan River is a serious 'Toxic Waste issue" for the State, the newly ellected CM noted and that was just about it except for the fact that one of his collegues was dumb enough to take a dip in it and was attacked physically by unknown microbes infesting the river.
I grew up on the river since the day i was born right smack in the middle of the Kampung Selut as the area was known in the past and most of my childhood life was spent waiting for the hight tide to arrive so that the water world fantasies of our childhood would come to life. This was in the early 50s and sixties before the area was developed. The hightide brought Morgan the Pirate, The Bucaneers, and hosts pof other sea faring characters to our childhood imagination as we swam our way towards the river mouth. The was all kinds of wildlife common to the mangrove environment, the Udang ketak, Ikan Tembakul, ikan Belachak, ketam selut, ketam batu, belangkas, siput lokan, siput balitong, biawak to name a few, which today has become extinct in this area. There were numerous species of birds to wake up to and fishes to trap in the mudholes, as a child growing up in this rustic life at the edge of Georgetown was a blessing for me and on looking back my heart is sick at what i see have become of my river.
The Sungai Pinang is only about six miles in length from the foothills of the Penang Hill range in Ayer Itam area somewhere to the sea and the whole six mles today is contaminated in one way or another. It has played vital roles in the past for those living on this Island not only as a source of water but that of a symbol for the State uniting the inhabitants who are racially pluralistic. To the newcomer this may not seem much to think about as the only sense they would have of the river is the stench that it gives off or the black brackish water that flows lifelessly int and out to the sea often laden with debris and floatsam opf garbage from the denizens of the island. To penangites, those born and raised on this island it is short of a bloody insult to our intelligence if not to our souls. We have allowed the river to deteriorate to such a state that despite all our modern technologies and advanced education the river is practically called a 'dead River'.
To cut to the chase on the matter as e know most politicians are always short of time especially on environmental issues, I am making a suggestion the present take into consideration of using the 'healing of the River' as a crusade that will unite the people into working towards a common goal. Let this be the clarion call for the various groups to come together and give all they got for the well being of one river that has been a common good to all of us regardless of who we are and this will be our legacy to our children. The present administration may have zillions of problems to work on concerned with zillions of issues left behind by the former administration and if not given serious thought over how this should be handled this admin too will be bogged down by the same issues till next ellection day. Tod do the unthinkable would be one option that the State can get a handle on all the issues and that is to not address them but allow them to continue on as they are while focussing all its attention on one unrelated issue which affects just about every walks of life, albeit politicians, doctors, rich man poor man Chinese or Indians , Malays or Bengali. This issue affects the tourism industry, the fishery and wildlife departments and a host of other industries in one way or another, it is an image that stands for All.
I need not go too deeply into the state of pullution in this state as most of us here are fully aware of the matter by just openning our eyes a little bit more to include the environment in our sights like the tourist do. Yes the tourists takes notice of the environment alot more than our average citizens do and if they choose not to revisit our island it is not a fault of theirs but ours, we can talk them to death about why they should visit us but what they see is what they relay to those who ask their opinions when they return to their homes not what they hear. However it is not this reason that we are suddenly deciding to take affirmative action about healing our river back to health, nope, we are doing it bercause it is time that we do some housekeeping in our state. What better time carry out a thourough housekeeping job than with the beginning of a new State Government. We will redesign the Rocket to become a broom and the PKR symbol that looks like and eye to become a garbage bag and we will make every school and institution in the state carry out their own individaul attack plan on this matter without any excuses, for education of the young and old is the key to our success long as well as shortterm. We need to educate the masses, mentally, and spiritually and thus we will approach all the religious denominations for their undevided support for our 'housekeeping project'. last but not least twe will insist upon the media to be fully responsive to our endeavors and make it their crusade as well. We will get all the NGOs and various other existing environmetal groups to become the spearhead for our motion, we will employ the various government bodies like the state laboratories and civil engineers to carry out the preliminary works of desigining and analyzing of the river status, what needs to b done and when. We will utillize the USM students to do soil smaples and various other studies as their contribution towards this venture and we will ask the Rich and famous the major industries, the kongsies and the various clubs and groups to pay for our project, hopefully not the Federal government.
Off course I have given a very simplified scenarion of this project which at later date will be studied and approached in a more proffessional manner making sure that legalities and incentives are met with for those who choose to participate. My idea is basically is to take the bull by the horns in making a clean start for the revival of the Island's glory, the glory that won the hearts and minds of those who used to visit us in the past. To return the pristine and clean water system that we used to enjoy like no other state and to most importantly to try and harness a collective mind among all our different racial groups and thoughts into one affirmative thinking machine in favor of the People and the State as a whole.
The Present CM may have already have his ideas about how to run the state but I hope that he will pause and consider my offer of a suggestion with an open mind.

Election; The Aftermath

Promises,promises and more promises, this is the political scenario of every major or minor elections anywhere and everywhere in the world. We will do this and put a halt to doing that we will make sure that the people come up ahaead regardless of what it takes and we will, we will and we will!
In the coffee shops in the roadside stalls in the offices in the backrooms of the offices, in the bars and tha taverns, in the market place and the dentist's waiting rooms debates are being carried out as to who or what really won the election and how or what the future holds for the average person on the street. Accusing fingers are pointed at the fallen and thumbs up for those who won, each and every person with an opinion stood firm in their belief of what is good or bad for the nation while the embattled politicians gathers around their confrence tables licking their wounds or pondering over what next. This is it, the election's aftermath, time to pick up the pieces or or put them together to make sense out of what has been scattered to the four winds. The people has let their feelings expressed the choices made and their mood for the day felt and it is up to the elected leaders those reelected and those newcomers to put their mind to the grind, their intentions to the test and to 'walk the talk'.
This has been an unprecedented major change in the outcome of the election as the opposition has garnered a good proportion of the seats both in the states as well as the parliament and there will be a very strong check and balances between the ruling party and the opposition as never before. The country is in for another tsunami and the people will have to brace themselves for the fallout untill things settle down and a coherent routine is achieved by both sides to run the country so that it benifit the people as a whole and not the winners or the loosers in the elections. Pride and egos that has been stepped over, guilt and incompetencies that has been exposed, trust and faith that has been shattered, all have to be buried and laid to rest among the political components and candidates and what is of paramount importance is that the country will continue on to greater heights of achievements despite all these travails. There is a lesson to be learned from every failures and a lesson to be learned from every success, both equally important in the fact that a positive outcome results from these lessons.
Time to bury the hatchets and parangs, time to heal the wounds and time to find reconcilliations among all those involved in the management of the nation's welfare. Those who harbor illwill or carry in their hearts the crave for revenge should not be lauded or encouraged as these are the ones who have failed to learn and has only their welfare at heart and not the nation's as a whole. These have to be reined in and their mouth muzzled so that they have no chance to express their negative impulses due to their inability to understand defeat or victory. They have failed to see the bigger piture as they will always be haunted by the personal loss. The nation will move onwards towards greater glory or perish in the agony of defeat at the hands of the uncompromising selfcentered individuals who still holds the power to rule. It will still be up to the people who have awakened from 50 years of belief and trust in the governement to make the necessary changes in and when the majority of them sense that an ellected member is not performing as he or she has been ellected to or this past general election would still become meaningless to all. Let our past experiences with the performances of each and every individual character of the political stage be our guidance and take continuous action towards those who deviate from the wellbeing of this nation for their own self glorification no matter who they are or what party they belong to.
The talks in the foddstalls and coffeshops will sooner or later subside and those who has been mandated to take the reins of running the country will find ways and means to put together a win win card on the parliamentary table. This nation deserves no less than that those elected perform for the benifit of the people and this is to be done with no time wasted.There is no more elections for the next five years or so and the people need not waste their effort and nor their money be spent over more uncompromising incidents that would jeopardize the formation of a vibrant management team to run their country for a strong economic future that would benifit them as a whole. Malaysia Boleh!!

The Ghost Ship of Unimack Path

I was instructed by the skipper Donald bark earlier on how to read the radar screen identifying all the silohuette of land marks apperaing on the greenish illuminated screen. I was told of the verticle and horizontal lines and how far a distance they actually represent in actual nautical mileage, that eash was two nautical miles from the next line, the center was of the screen was the Iceland, the boat, me! All I had to do is maintain a course according to the compass and not deviate from the exact number given and keep an ey for any flahing blips on the screen as it meants that there is another vassel in the vicinity. That was about how much I was made to understand about navigation on the high seas and the final advice was scream for help if something is not right.
I was in the pilot house of the fishing vassel 'The Iceland', a sixty five footer wooden hulled vassel out of Sand Point,Alaska, the Iceland being one of the oldest vassel in the fleet out of this small fishing town. She was build by a Norwegian by the name of Paul martinez who it was recorded had constructed twelve wooden hull vassels in all and having all their names ending in 'Land' like Iceland, Wonderland, Dreamland and so forth. The Iceland was one of the remaining of the twelve that still sail the Bering Sea is search of fortune in the fishing industry. She used to be 90 feet in length I was told and was involved in shrimp fishing untill the Bering Sea ran out of shrimp. Her length was shortened to 65 feet so that she can be used for Halibut and salmon fishing later on. Many stories were told about the weird things that had been happening on the vassel by her crews from the past to present, they agreed that the vassel was haunted and that the late Paul Martinez had his prescence on her. Hence she became the whisper of the the fishermen who fished out of Sand Point. But to the five crew members of the old wooden tub the Iceland was as unique a vassel as she was old. She was a part of the fishing history of the fleet and stood more than just an equal among the more sophistcated fibreglass vassels with their state of the art nautical gadgets.



On the night in particualr we were headed for Dutch Harbor, Alaska considered the Western most of the United States of America that is inhabited and was at one time the only part of the United States the Japanese ever attacked during WW2. Today it is the fish processing town with a ahrbor lined with old battle ships that were permanently anchored and turned into floating cannaries. The Iceland was loaded with twenty five thousand pounds of Halibuts in her hatch and was headed for Dutch harbor to offload the catch of which the largest fish was seven feet six inches in length and weighed almost 450 pounds which was named 'Big Bertha' by the Skipper, Donald Bark. Halibuts are bottom feeders and average about 60 to 180 pounds they have a very strange shape as both eyes are located on the top of their heads like mud skippers. The bottom part is pure white while the top is deep sea green. To catch them baited hooks of salmon heads and herrings sometimes when available octopus tantacles were used and these were laid out in what is called a long linning method of fishing.

Anyone having fished in the Bering Sea for any length of time will tell you that it is no joke as far as hazardous work is concern for your life is worth twon minutes if you fall overboard, not from drowning but from the frigid cold waters. The weather was also something that fishermen gamble with where their fate is concern, where a gail warning issued can mean a matter of survival within minutes from a fair to a perfect storm. For one who had never fished in the ocean before this was quite an experience that i would not wish to repeat for i was wretched with seasickness on the first few days out at sea and had wished that I had never left land. But having had the experience I can today claim that I fished in the Bering Sea of the Pacific NorthWest and survived. I survived the Pefect Storm, the Rip Tides, the Sea Sickness, the Tempers and Frustrations, the slime and grime of commercial fishing. HOW MANY MALAYSIANS CAN MAKE SUCH CLAIM?

The Skipper was from Teanaway Valley in Washinton State and lived in a beautiful wooded valley where he also collected 'out houses'. All over his yard were old outhouses or toilets some used in the old days of the wagon trails. I had the oportunity to stop by his place on the way up north from Green Bay, Wisconsin in the early month of may in 1982. My friend and I drove in his car a Chevy Nova all the way from Green Bay in the Midwest to Seattle, Washington which took us three days or so. We drove through the States of Michigan and Minnesotta, Wyoming and North Dakotah and thn when we were passing through Spokane, Washington we had to drive through thick dust from the eruption of Mount Saint Helen a few days earlier. We left Green Bay on the 1st of May, Robert Serge and I in a car that could only hod a quarter tank of fuel at a time in its tank because the tank had a leak in it. Before leaving Wisconsin, we stopped by Little Suamaco and ehlped grew some baby pine trees together with a small community of nature lovers, Robert's friends.

I met Robert at Belin Hospital in Green Bay where we were supposed to have a two man show, he with his photogrphy while I had my printmaking works. I was astonished by what I saw of his works, the pictures he had hung on the walls were out of this world. I asked Robert where he had taken them and he told me of his annual fishing trip to Alaska. I immediatly insisted that he took me with him that summer and nothing was going to stop me, not money nor the ordeals that laid ahead as spelled out to me by Robert insisting that it was madness for me to do so. Not to mention the cost but the trip itself would demand that I have some sort of accomodation if not a job lined up before I could even think of making the trip. But my mind was made up and partly due to the fact that I had to leave Green Bay for one reason or another at the time. I had graduated from the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay the same year, my son and his Mother had left to live in Germany and my love life then was headed for the rocks. There was no excuse for me to hang around the Packer Town any longer without drowning myself into drunken and disoderly despair.



As I stood in the wheel house of the Iceland my hands clutching the wooden wheel and my eyes peering out int the darkness ahead of me with and occansinal glance at the greenish illuminated face of the radar screen, my thoughts floated into all kinds of reminascents of my life past and future. Sometimes I would be elated from the factthat i was able to do whatmany in my own country had not and most probably would never have a chance to do in their lifetime. Sometimes I would feel the sadness and loneliness of the fact that there i was all alone as alone can be in thw middle of nowhere and no one to talk to least of all my loved ones or my family. If anything were to appen to me then there was no way anyone would know how to let my family back home in malaysia know excep for my exwife who was then living in Germany. But thee were just thoughts hat haunted me due to the solid darkness of the environment around me and save for the hum of the boat engine which by then had seeped into my being to become unnoticeable there was total peace and quiet.

I noticed the blip of a light cming downwards from the left hand corner of the radar screen about two squares away from the center. I was almost excited that I had company, I was not the only one awake piloting a vassel in the dark onf night, something I had never done in my entire life and was doing it for the first time be it day or night. I watched the blip moving downwards in a straight line at what would be four nautical miles if what the Skipper explained was true that each square represents two nautical miles distance. I was well safe away from whatever vassel it was that was floating silently pass by me, the center point on the radar screen. I almost felt like saying goodbye when it almost disappeared off the screen at the bottom but to my amazement the blip did not fell off the screen bottom but decided to start climbing right back upwards!! And what was more astonishing not to say frightenning was the fact that it was moving at an angle and head for the center of the screen, Me!

As I watched in disbelief and mounting fear I realized that it was less than half a square from the center point of the radar screen and that was I pressed the panic button and started to yell and screamed for the skipper who was sleeping in his bunk on the othe side of the wooden wall that seperated us. At the same time i was spinning the wheel like I knew what the hell i was doing to stear the Iceland away from the oncoming whatever vassel. The skipper was at the wheel without me realizing it shouting and screaming obscenities while I was stunned by the bright light that bathed the whole area in and around the Iceland and it was coming down from above the vassel. I stared in disbelief up at it through the cabin window while the skipper kept spinning the wheel and as I watched the huge what seemed to be a searchlight slowly became two huge searchlights!!
Then things started to happen like in slow motion of disbelief. The next thing I knew I was staring at the rear end of a huge ship, grey in color with all its lights on and the deck clearly lighted but no a single soul in sight. The ship slid away silently ahead of us leaving behind in it wake just a reflection of bubbles and like what ships normally leave behind in their wake. Then it was all dark again and the skipper told me to hit the bunk without as much as a word of what the hell happened. Later in the morning i found everyone sitting in th galley in silence and I thought I was going to get my head chewed but that too did not happen and from that day on no onetalked about it ever till we parted company. The only person who ever mentioned anything of the incident later was JR the Skipper's nephew who told me that he caould not sleep that night and was in the galley and watched the whole thing but could not register what truelly happened except that the ship whatever it was appeared out of nowhere and isappeared just as mysteriously into the night. He had told the Skipper of this and was told to not dwell on the incident too much.
Till this day even as I write I still could not belief that what had happened really did happened and I hve told and retold this incident to many but the more i talk of it the less i am beginning to believe in it myself. However it does make a great 'Fish Tale' after all anyhting can happen in the Unimack Path of the Bering Sea or so the Alaskan Fishermen used to say. Considered among seafarers to among the most treacherous stretch of water, the Unimak Path is often compared to the Bermuda Triangle and the Tip of Cape Horn.

The Elections Is over

Yesterday was eletcion day and today there is alot of changes in the lives of many whose well being has been affected by who is in power for better or for worse. The major significance in the outcome of this past election is the fact that the deposed deputy prime minister Anuar Ibrahim has made a effective comeback into the political scene of this country and his former political opponents those who were notably very much involved with his demise has today a cause to be concern about. Anuar is back and he is back with a vengence and how he will go about exacting his paybacks is yet to be seen.
The Rocket has been launched and the DAP has got Penang under its rule and this aught to be and interesting phenomenon to be observed. The democratic Action party is predominantly Chinese and has always been in the thorn in the flesh of the ruling party in the form of its leaders Lim Kit Seang and Karpal Singh both men has the experience of being in the opposition benches for a long time that they have become the nation's symbols for making sure that the Barisan National never got a total free reign over the management of the country. I have always believed that the nation aught to have given these two gentlemen the titles they deserve by now they should have been awarded the titles of at least 'Tan Sri' as a token of respect for their services rendered to the country even if as opponents to the ruling party! However this would be too much for the average Malaysian imagination especially the Malays. The menteri Besar of Kelantan Nik Aziz, Kit Seang and Karpal are the political icons of modern Malaysia just as much as the present and the former Prime Ministers. However now it is a little too late for such gestures as it would appeare inappropriate seeing that the DAP has gained an enormous momentum in becoming a force to be reckoned with in this country and any affirmative gesture would be misconstrude by all parties concerned unless this can be achieved with a unanimous agreement of the Malaysian Parliament as a whole and only the King is the most appropriate person to award the titles to these individuals.
We tend to overlook the contributions of those who has disagreed with us or are not benifical to oour cause, not on our team eventhough these individuals has been the part and parcel our our political heritage and their names will go down in hitory as such and our children will read about them in years to come whether we like it or not, what is wrong with honoring them even if it is merely with such titles as 'Tan Sri' or 'Dato Sri' after all even a dead film star gets a Tan Sri for his contributions!
What promises will the DAP deliver we will have to wait and see for this island of Penang. Will the predominantly Chinese party make the Malays nightmares come true or will the party be smart enough to maintaion the status quo of the Chinese, Malays and Indians in the state and even with some added compassion cater to thje Malays plight even more which in my view will strengthen their support and trust from the Malays. The Malays in the state of Penang in my opinion have been disillusioned long enough by the Barisan National and Gerakan coalition parties. They have been sidelined often like dogs being thrown pieces of bones every once in awhile to pacify their needs. This election the Malays here has decided that enough is enough and has taken a leap of faith in letting the state be trusted into the hands of the oposition party with no much hope to look forward to but hoping that mlife would be better.

The Golden Rule

I was moved by the final chapter of the great works of Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success. Do unto others as you would them done unto you, the Golden Rule, of the ancients' of Confucius, The Buddha, Christ and the Prophet (of Allah) those whose ideas about life comes down bascially to this short statement of the Golden Rule. As I read what Hill expounded in his book my thoughts became further awakened with enlightenment over the many truths that had eluded me in the past and some of which had been the cause of my failures or dispointment. It is a simple truth and its simplicity is what had made me complacent over the depth of its meaning and the gravity of its consequences toward my daily actions as well as my long term search for the meaning of my very own existance.
Although the Book was primarily aimed at those seeking to become materially well off such as a successful businessman or a well sought after lawyer and so forth, for me it touched more deeply into my understanding of the workings of my spitiutal self and how it controlls or is controlled by the externals. My ups and downs my rights and wrongs they suddenly are beginning to make sense. It is like yet another major piece of a jig saw puzzle has fallen into place and one is beginning to see the whole picture. In my life I have been the cause of alot of pain and suffering for others my loved ones as well as those whose life mine had touched in one form or another, in the Buddhist sense I had created alot of bad karma and as such have a big time karmic debt to pay. Do unto others! Yes I am not proud of alot of wrong turns I had taken to get to where I had wanted to and often enough I never even slowed down to regret these negative actions especially when it affected others in my life. But I can afford change while I still have the time and state of mind to do it before the final curtain calls and this is the journey I had taken, the journey towards the Lord of Truth through complete right understanding of who I am and where my journey ends.
I cannot apolgize to all that I have offended, taken advantage of or used in one way or another but I can undo myself, unllearn all my negative lessons and right all the wrongs of my thinking mind. This is my work on myself through reading, through my creative exprtessions through writing all my thoughts down through giving the best I can afford to raise my children and through eventually my services to society as a whole if and when I have attained to right to do so without any more doubts and fears.

The God Delusion 2

Yesterday's entry was a somewhat spontaineous reaction towards my own excitement at having experienced a moment of mini-satori or awakening or whatever anyone who have had simmilar experience would call it. This was prompted by the last few pages of the book by Richard Dawkin'The God Dellusion' in which certain train of thoughts and ideas with regard to the subject matter he had discussed triggered my own data banks' collection of information with the regard to religions-belif and faiths. Almost my entire adult life had been spent accepting or danying the existance of a God or Gods and I had little problem of dismissing the later at a very early stage in my life long quest for answers after reading the works of Homer and Greek Mythologies, Zeus and His wives and kids, and those of the Norse Gods, of Odin and His kith and kin. I waded through the Hindu pantheon of Gods and Deities that to me has befuddled the Hindu minds for centuries with myths and lores in the effort to confirm the existance of a God, the elaborate rituals, the sacrifices, the fanatical clinging to dogmas and traditions has caused unforgiving causes of pain and suffering to the myriads of common people through out Indian history and all in the name of Religion! In this respect I agree with Richard indeed there is no such God or Gods. If there was it is a product of a highly evolved sick mind that desired to collectively controll the ignorant minds through religiosity.
I have made it my journey in this life to devote a good amout of my available time towrds the 'right understanding' of the nature of 'God' and Religions having made a simple promise to myself that I would faithfully seek out the answers for myself no matter how or where there are answers to be found for the questions that had been raised in my mind since a child. I grew up a buddhsit while living among the rest of my family and relatives who were Muslims. I was made to attend both the Buddhist saturdays and sunday schools while learning the Koran and attendiong the Friday prayers at the mosque. Religion had meant scorn by peers while i was attending my primary education being accused as a 'Kapiak' (Kafir) because I was exempted from having to attend the Islamic classes and the Friday prayers by my teachers who under the intruction to do by my Uncle, the man who had adopted me. Even as a child i felt I was headed for a big time conflict in my religious and spitirual upbringing and was anticipating when the two major religions that was having a tug -o-war over my soul was going to come into collision. It did come when one of my aunties decided to have me circumcised together with a cousin of mine who is a week older than me.
It was this event that changed my childhood life forever, I hated all that has to with Gods and religions eventhough was still to young and scared to let the world have a peek into how I really felt. The hide and seek i had to play so that the Muslim part of me does not know what the Buddhist part of me was up to. for fear of being treated with redicule and totally ostracised, so I played along with the decissions that the adults in my life back then had come to about my faith and religious understanding. I was taken back by my immediate family, my mother and father, my brothers and sisters who had then moved to Kuala Terengganu. Yes , i was twelve years of age and till this day can never forget the evening my uncle had to break me the news while we were sitting on the esplanande wall at Padang Kota Lama, in Penang. That was the first time i had witnessed my uncle shed his tears from the pain of having to give me up, all in the name of religion!
I held that against God! The Buddhas, the Deities and my teachers and family and friends and whoever else that gave the idea that there was a God, a compassionate being in the form of a Buddha, a Mathatma and so forth, Nnope, I had enough, I had been thrown some crap at my childhood age that some of it had poisoned my mind about faith and belifs, needless to say some of the episodes and events that i faced growing is unmentionable or too painful to share but they were a horror enough for me as i can still remember raising my middle finger at the stars in the middle of the night and saying 'fuck you!". I was worse than an Atheist a some point in my life as I did not only not believe in the existance of a God but I took it steps further and mock God from the depth of my soul. I was young and I was ignorant but I was not stupid!
There is often someone in a person's life who had to be the catalyst for change, th much needed change of attitude or character and mine came in the form of my martial arts instructor, also the Head of the Religious Department in Terengganu back in the sixties. He and his family sort of adopted me and allowed me to come to an understanding of who I was and what i was looking for not only through the learninf of the Malay Art of Self Defence (Silat Seni Gayung), but also through long nights of playing Scrabble games and while at it having deep converstions on matters of life and religion, of politics and women. My master was a very highly well rounded man of knowledge and was both well verse in matters of the material world as well as the spiritual, thinks like and Englishman and teach like a Mahaguru. It was through Pa'Cik Abu Johan's guidance and uncinditional love that I was able to gradually untangle myself from the tightening ropes of hate and dellusions that was poisoning my teenage mind. Through my teacher's acquaintances I was wxposed to great minds of the time such as the Majistrate and the chief of police back then as they loved to play scrabble and were often out ot beat me as my trump card at being able to hang out with these heads of the government department was that I was good at beating them in the Scrabble game! I learned about life and adulthood idirectly from highly educated well respected and feared men when I was a teenager and this included the Late Sultan of Terengganu, HRH Tuanku Sultan Ismail Nasseruddin Shah the grand father to the present King of Malaysia; I was often his Golf caddie replacement and yes we talked when we were walking towards the golf ball and I learned about why there those born to be rulers and those born to be loosers from the Sultan when I was growing up in Terengganu.
There were many individuals that had come to my psycho-emotional rescue and they helped to heal the pain by removing the ignorance and mostly simply by being there and allowing me to pretty much be and become who I am without too much pressure or coercion but with open hearted compassion and acceptance. I began to accept myself better when I finished secondary school as by then I had come to grips with who or where i stood as a young adult, less confused and angry and more in controll of own feelings. It was then that I chose to set upon my journey to discover my stand, my Dharma position, my faith with regard to God and religion. I could have discovered the answers right where I was but the journey as I now have discovered took me aroung the world into many lives and libraries into many mosques and temples, retreats and taverns; I decided to take God by the beard and the devil by the horns... Yes I became known even as the Cheeseburger Buddha at a stage in my life.

'The God Delusion'

After reading the final chapter of the 'God Delusion' by Richard Dawkin I felt like the Shinkansen or bullet train with her emergency brakes being pulled while it was running high speed headed for Sendai from Tokyo. Everything came to a halt, sound sight smell, my thoughts! I was having my daily morning fix of Nescafe tarik and Moi soup at the Astaka Taman Saadon when this happened and the food court was full of people having the breakfast while Hindustani songs were blarring over the air from a boombox at a close by stall.I attained a momentery state of Satori whereby all was silence despite all that was going on around me or should I say I spaced out without the aid of getting stoned.
I cannot pinpoint what was it that struck me most about Dawkin's rationale over the existance or not of God or the irrelevance of religion in mankind's history, but taken as a whole the book stopped my thinking mind or it tripped me. I do not confess to understanding absolutely all the scientific rationales the author had used for his arguments but from what I could I am impressed at the amount of knowledge and the manner in which the arguments were presented, so convincingly.
Yes, there is No God! There is only Allah and Allah is not a God and the closest mankind can come to describe Allah is like the Taoist ability to describe what is 'TAO'? And what I understand or have come to accept is that Allah is not out there, not sitting up there with a Moses look alike passing down judgements over the whole Galactic system, no Allah is if one has to pinpoint the location, within each and everyone of us at least in essence. Science can discover all the secrets of nature but at the final analysis all will arrive at where it all began, the heart. The physical heart, the spritual heart the heart of the soul where perhaps rest the devine spark that is the mark difference between humans and the rest of creation inclusive of JIns and Angels or aliens and extraterrestrials. I am not one to argue if I have been declared to have been created in my Creator's image or that the Devine essence is within me. Only a fool scientist or otherwise would take so much trouble to disclaim a great gift, for better or for worse. This Wisdom and not all scientists or Atheist for that matter are wise, they may have all the knowledge in the world about all things there to be learned or discovered but that does not make them wise. Wisdom as most ancients has pointed out 'happens' just like Satori.
If Dawkin or the likes of him prefer to knock their heads trying to dismiss the prescence of an ultimate intelligence that is their gig but to impose upon others who would rather evolve towards rediscovering their origins and the mysteries of this origins with such arrogance and intellectual impudence is BULL!
Yes, indeed there is no God! At least not the God that is seen through the eyes of anyone with a bias mind claiming this for that or this against that, comparing analyzing, deucting and eventually postulating all this done with a thinking mind, a mind that is functioned, as scientifically obeserved through the process of brain cells and neurons blah..blah. A mind percceiving the universe through its five aggregates of data collecting instruments inherent in the human physical form, that of eyes, nose, touch, smell and ears, and as most scientist would agree this is very limiting as far as instruments ot unlick the mysteries of the Universe much less "The secret of Secrets". And if and when these western scientific minds are indeed able to untangle the tangle to these questions then what?
I the meantime based upon our ignorant bungglings of our ancestors with regard to religions, the wars, the persecutions the fanatcisms that has resulted til this day and age with even greater vehemence we subject ourselves still with trying to prove or disprove whether there is or there is no God. Does God care? Does God have a religion? No! Religions have God or gods. Humans have Gods, but there is only One Creator and this is not God as our simplistic minds try to rationalize for or against. There is No God, only Allah.

The Dam broke loose

Yesterday I received three emails that brought tears of joy in me as they each carried three positve messages that touched my heart in the deepest corner of my being. I read the first which was from the Penang State Art Gallery telling me that the Director of the National Art gallery in KL has agreed to officiate the oppenning of my Solo Exhibition in July. This news brought about an impetus towards my effort to complete my long scroll sketches which has been dragging in coming to fruition for the last few weeks. The second was from my son the fly boy who has been silence for quite sometime the last few months and got me a little worried. He has his excuses but having received words from him he is alright and has not given up on his Dad has given me a great sigh of relief. Although we have not seen eachother for more then ten years now I still miss him everytime I open my email hoping that there there will be his usual two liners waiting for me like a shot of 'tongkat Ali' to make my day. It is good to know every once in awhile that your son really cares about you even if you have not been there for him a greater part of his life.
The third I read was a real pleasant surprise as it was from a total stranger who had happened to have read my Rambblings of the Cheeseburger Buddha Blog. This young lady I had just found out in today's email about how old she might be, wrote me a lovely letter that had raised my hopes and aspirations and that I am not fumbbling around in the dark all by myself. I had reached out for help in the past and a few friends from the States and Japan had reciprocated in kind which was the extent of my 'experiment' in life of human nature, the test proved both positive and negative. I received some financial support from people who were closest to me, who believed in me and son and I was accused of bring shameless and short of a bum by one or two anonymous friends who left a juicy criticism of my moral decadence in my blog. I am still experimenting with my life testing all possibilities making right and wrong choices knowingly and ready for their repercussions, but these moves ares till my testing ang proving that there is hope and there is compassion, there is light and there darkness, there are those who genuinely care and there are those who assume the worse rather than lend a helping hand or offer a word of kindness instead of a kick in the butt when you are down.

The crow was a subject of study while living in Japan

This young lady's email letter was written so well and tactfully offering me help towards any future need for my children's education broke my heart into tears and I was sobbing for the first time in a long time for all the three positive news I had received in one morning. Allah's greatest gift to His servant is the beggar at the door; I read this somewhere and till this date i have assumed myself a beggar testing Allah's servants and every once in awhile I find a pleasant surprise that there are those whose faith in their fellow beings is still genuinely intact, they are ready to lend a helping hand unconditionally when the needy knocks at their door. Then there those who judged and criticize a whole lot more than they afford to do in easing the the pain or burden in others and these I have found through my personal experiment with all those I had held my out to. Then there are those who I had avoid asking from and they who are aware with plight, directly or indirectly as they are by birth the closest to me , these I avoid on grounds of no comments but they too are a part and parcel of my on going observation of life. The stranger out of the blue is often times much more closer to you than your kith and kin will ever be even if blood is thicker than wine.

Ellections is around the corner!

Wake up Malaysians, time to choose your leaders, those who will lead you into the future, those who will make life alot simpler and less of a roller coaster. Wake up my fellow country men and women lets do our part in making sure that the same dogs do not gaurd the hen house, those that cleaned the chicken and the eggs truted in their care. I call out to you my fellow Malaysians lets look far and deep into this matter of who should be our servants and who our masters for making mistakes as in the past has been costing us too much aggravtion which we can ill afford in this day and age. Lets weed out the shysters and the wolves in sheepskins. Lets expose the phonies from the true server, lets join our efforts and ellect with our hearts those we know will not deviate from promisses made or will not squander what do not belong to them. Perhaps there are still out there the ones who is wise and noble enough that can be fully trusted to carry out the means for our hopes and dreams to be realised and not take advantage of every loopholes and fringe benifits when they are in power. Lets wake up my family and friends, forget the race and the tribes, forget the religion and the creed, ellect those that your hearts feels can carry us across to the other shore without rocking the boat or sinking it...lets vote!
Yesterday I was at the Little Penang Street Market located at the very end of Penang road across from the E&OHotel. This is an event like a flea market which is held once a month on the last weekend of the month. Alot of activities involving the seeling of arts and crafts and food mostly catering to tourists and there were also live music and such activities like reading and short plays being put on by local talents. Its a happening but like most happenings in Penang it is gradually becoming a 'Chinese Thing' rather than a genuine crosscultural event fit for the promotion of Tourism in this country. It is just my obeservation having spent the last four months as a participant at the market. Its not that there is no Malays on th island to make a presentation or Indians for that matter, however, it is the Chinese that seem to dominate the scene, the sound and the taste whereeveer you go here and this is definitely not a healthy scene for the uniqueness of being a multi-racial, multicultural state. Why come to penang when Singapore, Hong Kong or Taiwan can offer real Chinese cultural heritage.
The old 'Kongsi' culture is very much alive among the Chinese here and this is what keeps them well ahead economically in this State, the spirit of mutual support for the individual as well as between clan groups. Today the coverage of mutuasl help has grown much wider and stronger in the guise of the mainly Chinese dominated political parties such as the MCA and the DAP. It is rarely that you can see these Chinese group extending their help towards the other races the Malays and the Indians. The government may claim otherwise but the real state of the nation is such and cannot be ignored even if ther is nothing that can be done about. The coorperation especially financially or economically between the races is purely business and very little out of the 'milk of human kindness'. The Malays are not without their own blame over the state of affairs, most of it they have brought upon themselves with lack of drive towards securing their share of wealth through the open market. Perhaps their lack of knowhow or their lack of aptitude and attitude that places them a step behind the Chinese when it comes to making money, but for whatever lacking the Government of the day has made great effort towards compensating for the lackings. Among the Malays i found is a serious sense of not being able to share and trust when it comes to money and alot amount of greed and envy to boot. As a friend once said the Malay enjoys seeing his neighbor not doing so well as he does or that someone else has taken a fall, and if there is any success story among the Malays it will always be treated with suspicion or something is not right on how the success was acquired. The Malays has be known to go to lengthy ways and means to discredit their fellow Malays who they found to be overly successful in business or any other venture.Most threatening of all is the use of the supernatural forces like pukau and jampi in order to destroy the guy who made it next door. Ther is seldom a close coorperation between the successful and those who do not make it but alot of suspicion and envy and very little trust except on the surface which the Malays are great at acting it out so much so that to those unaware it would seems like everything is hunky-dori. Sadly enough the Malays of today are slowly loosing their sense of moral and religious virtues even if they wish to admit it or not, giving way to backbiting and slandering as the norm.
The Indians are the minority that has always been under pressure from both the other races, the Malays and the Chinese in all forms albeit economical or social as well as religious. Those who claim otherwise are not being honest just as the White Anglo Saxons in the United States claim against the Blacks. So much so it has manifested in the form of a politicalsocial issue 'Hindraff' whereby the discontentment felt by those being opporessed against rises to meet the oppressors and demand for justice. Given that the ways and means are not condoned by the government it is still an issue that is not going to fade away overnight just because a few arrests were being made. The festered sore has busted open and the puss is splattered all over the sheet, with or without aids from external influences out to exploit the already explosive situation. The Indians very well deserve to make the noise and raise the issue that has been haunting them since the independance, however they would have made more sense to aim their grievances at their party leaders, those hwo have been elected to carry their hopes and grievances for them into the parliament and failing this they should think deeply about replacing these leaders without fear or favor. Aiming their anger at the government will only bring down the wrath of the Malays and the Chinese on them and very little sympathy; this is the Indian Dillema.
Such is a little bit of my political observations of how faror how near the state of the nation is toward accomplishing its goals at the rate things are unfolding all over the land. There are a whole lot more that is going on that needs to be addressed and rectified, corrected and resdesigned, changes has to be made and with changes will come turmoil and with turmoil will come progress hopefully for the best of all interest.

Trip to Bukit Beruntong

We left all five of us in my cousin Mohd. Kalam's car with my two children and their cousin, myself and the driver my cousin Mr. Mohd. Kalam on Friday afternoon. It was a pleasant drive and it was good to be away from the Island of Penang after being cooped up within the confines of the hectic city life. The trip was to visit my brother in law who is suffering from cancer of the throat and also to drop in to say hello to my only surviving aunty who I had long not seen. She had raised me as an adopted child and so i was extra close to her. The kids were happy to get away from it all too and as part of a bonus they were treated to my reading to them from the Napoleon Hill Book, "The Law of Success". It was one way I could grab their attention for some motivational pep talk through the book.
We were originally supposed to go to KL where my brother in law was stating with his younger brother however upon making a phone call we discoverd that he was on his way to Lumut where his daughter lives that very night. Fortunately they were able to drop in at my auntie's house which was located along the their way from KL to Lumut. So that very same night we acoomplished what we set out to do without having to drive all the way to KL. The kids were offcourse a little bit disappointed as they were looking forward to being in KL for some R&R from their R&R in Penang. We left my auntie's the very next day and headed to Lumut ourselves where we made a special trip to the Pangkor Island. The kids had fun there and so it made up for their minor disappointment.
I had a relaxed time myself as I said it was relief to be able to break way from the Island and its routine. Along with reading the "Law of Success" I have picked up the book " The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins. Afte having read a few chapters of the book I realized that this guy is not fooling around with God, he is all out to grab God by the balls! It is interestingly pleasant to see that no one has threatened his life for some of the things he said especially about Islam! Well maybe it is becaue the fanatics are busy slaying somewhere else in the name of religion or they might just be tired of entertaining the likes of Richard Dawkins and Salman Rushidie (which would be to their credit if they do) having realized that to take on these individuals is giving them free publicity which is what they crave for in the first place. Anyone who knock down a hornets's nest has a reason for doing so and it is not for the sole purpose of getting a painful retribution from the act. The hornets, so long as their home is being threatened they attack regardless of what otheres may say or think over the matter.
What if there is or there is no God? What if there is or there is no Theology or Science for that matter? All these are products of a thinking mind a mind that creates all there is that we see and experience! What happens when we stop thinking all together? We humans are a thinking mamal that survives through the ages despite all the natural and supernatural traversities through our ability to think and act and all we are is still thinking and acting as we progress into the future albeit individually or collectively and more and more the so called scientists, and even theologists and philosphers are in agreement that as we think so we create. So waht have the like of Dawkins and his fellow atheists go to cry about whether there is or there is no God? Whether we evolved into who or what we are from the ape or that we dropped from the sky one day because our number one was booted out of the heavens for his minor discrepancy against his Maker, what the hell of a difference does it makes? Be an Atheist for God's sake! or be a Mullah that's your choise to be! To be or not to be it is your free choice. I hate to quote the scriptures or even the scieces on this matter of free choice or the freedom to choose, to belief or not to belief, or I do not even have to think about it at all and just act as my heart pleases me! It is utterly not the concern of mine if you worship five or ten times a day or that you burned your crucifix declaring yourself this or that to the world and as far as I am concern all you are doing is further adding fuel to the fire that is already burning wildly simply because of your dual thinking mind, right and wrong, good and evil; for so long as you are unable to transcend this dual thinking mind you are trapped in it like a cosmic karma, musterbating yourself over that existance or non existance of what cannot be accertained scientifically or otherwise. As a Zen master once pointed out it is as foolish as a farmer looking for his lost buffaloe while riding on it searching.
But these are what makes money and fame for those who are being given the ability to think beyond the poor farmer and produce such far out proofs and disqualifications for or against such an explosive issue as the existance of God. Dawkins got his International best seller and perhaps even numerous converts which Bertrand Russel and Jefferson were not able to do and he is singing his way to the bank after puking out what has already been known to most of us who ever dwell on the subject but had not inclination to air it in the open much less influence other to our ways of thinking, if nothing for fear that it will further aggravate an already aggravating sore in the heart of humanity.
If there is or there is no God it will make as little difference to the fact that tomorrow I will still have to wake up and face the world and the last thing i would need is another great thinker to inject my already messed up mind with some new ways of thinking things outs that will lead me into whatever freedom that is left worthwhile to be had in this life. I am a beleiver and i find comfort in my belief as I am positive that millions like me all over this planet, painful and rediculous as it may seems at times,feels the same way. I have spent my sleepless nights and read my quota of materials to justify my convictions over the matter of there is or there is no God. The last thing I or most of those like me is asking for is an anti- evangelist or anti-Jehovah witness, anti Imam or anti- Rabbi, brilliant deductionist and salesman/scientist to tell me and my 'God-forsaken kind how or what to believe in in this life.
You cannot obliterate religion or history for that matter by writing one best seller or one hundred best sellers for that matter as the answer is in your own heart of hearts and not in your mind where your belief is concern and no amount of scientific probings can draw the conclusion on this matter nor any number of miracles, but the Heart knows and only the heart can tell if and when it has found what the answer. But first if there is any consolation, look for the heart;for in your heart perhaps is "The Temple of the Living God"' if you happen to find God within your heart and not just some musscles and blood pumping due to some 'scientifically explained' act of nature, then truly you have found your Maker Who created your Ticker! If you find notthing but musscles and blood then be happy to know that you were right, as Carl Jung once said, ' If I believe or do not believe in God, it does not hurt God'.

Peeling onions and potatos

For the past three days I have been working with my cousin's catering business helping out in the preparation of huge pots of Dalca, Kurma and kari ayam among other dishes for the catering orders. I have been doing this eversince I was laid off from my last job at the Jerajak Resort and SPA and it helps to keep me going with the daily expenses. What is more rewarding about the job is the fact that it has become another form of practice towards self observation and discipline from the fact that one has to be up by five a.m. and sweating away for the next few hours while dealing with all manners of human interaction involved in the process of food preparation on a large scale. I have slowly got to know the characters involved from having close interpersonqal communication, their manners and habits their ups and downs. Most importantly i have come to recognize myself in the environment among those who are rellated to me and those who are not and then those who are foreign workers(mostly Bangladeshis).
There are the ladies who runs the kitchen prep like peeling onions and potatoes, preparing the souces and curry mix, cleaning the chicken and prepapring the salad etc. These are the spine of the whole process as without their expertise there would be chaos in the pots boiling over. Then there is the hierachy of men who does the preperation of drinks and one who does the rice, there those who keep virgil over the pots while they are simmering with spicy ingredients making sure that they are well stirred. The delivery guys comes a little later in the morning and begins sorting out what goes where untill everything is being assigned and delivered to their respective locations. My cousin Salleh runs the show and his wife Ana runs the cooking section and they are a great example of harmoniuosoly compatible duo which keeps the business alive and prospering.
The catering business like most food related businesses, can be a very lucrative venture if well planned and managed. It is not an easy task to run such a venture and it demands hard work without doubt and in these days and age most functions utilizes the catering people for their food and beverages, unlike in the older days when food for weddings and such were the worries of the bride and groom's famillies and neighbours. Theere is the good and bad for these changes however the pressures and cost of functions these days seems to favour the caterer than self production. It seems to me the catering business has a bright future in the food and beverages industry as more and more are opting for someone lese to do the preperation and clean up after than to have to be bothered by these themselves.
I enjoy working with my cousins and friends but there are times when the aging body is beginning to rebel against the push for an ounce more of physical force and the tired mind sometimes seems to succumb to quitting before the time to quit. Feeling the heeat from the pots and the wet from soaking onions, reacting to my fellow workers and keeping a straight face over all the vibes around me, it is a great experience in mastering your circumstances and environment. I sometimes keep reminding myself that i had once worked on a fishing vassel in the Bering Sea, off the Alaskan Coast or that i had worked in Downtown San Francisco on the water front or the fact that i had cut meat in Packing houses in Green bay and Milwaukee, Wisconsin, this is but just one more vocation and it is just different in nature only the mind dealing with this circumstances is the same mind that dealt with the past vocations.

Healing a tooth ache?

Can you reverse the process of a tooth decay, or make the migraine that is nagging at the back of your skull disappear, can you renew your emotional energies that has been depleted over the years due to one form of traumatic experience or another that has plagued your life? Well, I can;t either, but I amsure as hell have been working o0n it the best I can as it has been and will continue on being some of the top priorities in my life other than just making sure that i get great art works done that is acceptable by the national galleries around the world.
Can you slow down or even reverse the aging process of you physical form or can you or can you place your spirit at the top of Mount Sumeru among the Gods and shoot the breeze? I cannot do this, nope, but I keep on trying for the life of me i sure keep on trying ans this is what I do with my mind when no one is looking! Some years ago while living and attending the University at Green Bay, Wisconsin I had a dream that I was Lord Krishna, perhaps this was because then I was busy into taking comparative religion as part of my semester load. Yes i was Krishna and I felt the bluish enrgy that eminates from my body, I was blue in color! In the dream as Krishna I performed some far out miracles like playfully defeating the demons that were floating down from the sky to attack me. There were those with large flapping ears and with a flick of my fingers I wrapped the ears over their faces and those with long fangs i simply turned the fangs into flexible rubeer and tied the two together, all these done with a sense of humour and no a bit of fear cause i was the Devine GodHead!
In this dream I was performing these feats in order to impress upon my mother who had seized a child and kept it as her own illegally ( I cannot explain why), and toward the end of the dream I was able to display like on a huge plasma screen before me, the entire process of creation itself like s lside show with the snap of my fingers. This part of the dream kind of reminded me of the Movie 'Altered States' at some scenes when the process of transformation was taking place during the xperiment.
I dont know what exactly happened but the dream was very real and I felt the energy, I felt it from deep within me and how easy it was to use these energies. I felt compassion, unbridled love for my mother not just because she was my mother but as a human, a love without boundaries. I felt what it must be like to be a deity for real or for just a state of mind in a dream! It was real! This is what i had been on a ques for most of my life to touch this state of conciousness in this life at least once more in a more real psycho=physical sense than just as a dreamstate. What is posibbility without putting a dream into motion towards the manifested reality? Is it far fetched to demand my right to become that which i have tasted as a part of my conciousness even if it was manifested as a dream? As those will ever take the time to browse through my journal, these ramblings of the cheeseburger buddha will realize, the very reason i have bveen writing all these mundane activities that is a part of my life is only because they are the disguise of what my true endeavors are, what my mind has set itself to discover, what my spirit has mapped for itself to accom0plish and my soul has printed upon itself as a goal before the curtaon is dropped.

The Law of Success

Found a copy of the book sitting among some items that looked like there were meant to be discarded after a spring cleaning jodb at my cousin's and started readng it, became engrossed and stuck with it. Napoleon Hill's book The Law of Success is like the Bible of 'How To"s a motivational work for those who are not too late to try for the moon. So ar what I have read has been most exhilerating and refreshing for me like a sort of the coming together of my own life's practices being put together in a more organized and analytical manner. Having just read the first hundred pages I have been able to indentify the parrelels o what I have put into motion some o the practices mentioned some thrity odd years ago when I was irst introduced to the book 'The Master Key'. In this book the key word used is the 'Master MInd' which is the prime focus of the whole process in the book.
The scientific analytical approach of the Law of Nature and the Law of Physics which started off the book helped me to better undrstand my own personal practice o 'autosuggestion' based on the teachings of Raja Yoga which suggested that "I am the master of my thoughts and consiousness, I am the master o my body speach and mind etc..... I command the elements, electrons, atoms, cells etc. that makes up this physical body to recharge..regenerate..etc. I have been doing this or years because i understood it way back when I first read it while living in Alaska and has eversince become a par o my Mantra beore sleeping everynight. Now with this new source of inormation I am more fully convinced that I had stumbled upon a good practice. It is uncanny that I shpould come by upon this book at a time when I was looking for something to read or do to get out of a state of mental letargic, I was looking or something to get me out of a rut and there it was!
Perhaps millions o people had read this great work o mapping the route or human succes and I just did not know about it like a great best seller that escaped ones reading list. I believe in right timing in all the events in my life as I believe that when the fruit is ripe will it fall to the ground and this work has arrived in my hands at the right moment in time like it is supposed to. To discover such a piece of work where it had been laying was in itself a curious occurence as there is only my cousin who is an Insuarence salesman who would most likely be the one who would read such a book and basically or the better approach to a better salesmanship. For me the book I amsure will have alot much more to offer as it is like a spiritual guide for anyone with an analytical thinking mind maintaining a good balance between what is scientiic and what is spiritual.I will continue on to enjoy this new find and see what great wisdom it will devulge urther down the pages.

It Chinese New Year and the Rat is in the picture ater the departure o the monkey and what has the Feng Shui masters got to say? I hope for a greater year than the last just like everyone else and am looking forward to ffinishing my hundred feet long sketching of the 'Heart and Soul of Penang'. It will be exhibited at the Penang State Art Gallery sometime in July, so I have aew months yet to work on it. Thus far I am quite content with what I have done and I have found that the use o charcoal as my primary medium is enjoyable and seems to work out fine, only it gets a little messy sometimes as I am a careless worker.
The paper itself was given to me by the former Dean of School of Fine Arts at USM, Proessor Najib who is now the Director of the National Art Gallery in KL. It was just before he left o take up his new appointment that we had a lunch together at one of the Nasi Kandar Restaurant and he offered me the paper to work with. The idea was to do sketching the way I had been doing depicting scenes and buildings of the the Island as I see it. Today after I had found out how long a roll the paer really is I realize that it was a challenge that he had set for me and I intend to give it the best of my ability and enjoy the look on his ace when he comes to officiate the openning. Whether he can make it or not is yet to be seen however the dye is cast and I am half way through the roll aleady. Who knows what the year o the rat has in store for me but I know one thing and that is this year I will have my solo show at the state gallery and it will be the talk of the city.

Gary Harold-Aptos Ca.

While sketching the cannon Ball Tree one morning at the Botanical Gardens I met a gentleman from Aptos, California, an elderly gentleman who was on a visit to the Island of Penang. The first thing he said to me was that he like my energy and would like to take a few pictures of the skecth I was working on and from then on we got along promising that I would call him the next day and take him places. I like the man as he reminded me of a few of my former cohorts at the Zen Center in Sausalito, California when I was living at Green Gulch Farm, in Marin County. Gary is into organic farming and the hare Kirsna Movement and is ahealth fanatic when it comes to food and beverages. He used to teach ESL among other things and was cosidering teaching in any of the countries in South East Asia,Penang included.
The next day I picked up gary at his place called the Hutton Lodge, a new hotel that caters mostly to foreigners seeking for a budget lodging. Later we headed out ot the USM muzium Gallery where I showed Garry the sketches I was working on the long scroll measuring no less than a hundred feet. he seemed to enjoy his visit to the Muzium and later we had lunch at the Minah restaurant where Gary picked out all the vegetable dishes he could lay his hands on and piled his plate with a little rice added to it. It was a funny sight to see tis American vegetarian eating these assorted dishes which normally for a local would seem odd.
I mentioned to gary of the possibility of sending my son next year to the States for his college education and wondered if he would be interested in helping out with the arrangement for his relocation. Gary was delighted to do it and suggested that the area where he is from has a very good college where my son can attend. He would not mind being an uncle and get my son broken into the American life. I saw a glimpse of hope in this meeting for my son's future in America as he will be completeing his secondary education by the end of the year and this means that his foreign student status would end and he would have to deal with finding his way of staying here unless I can get his citizenship issue solved before then. I am torn between sending him back to the States and having him stay here with me and a part of e wants him to have the opportunity to experience America like I did.
Upon discussing with my son about the possibilities of his venturing into the unknown on his own in the States where he is a citizen, he seemed tempted but still held reservations as I am sure he is not overly confident at this time and age. I would want to believe that I had planned my children's life to such that they would eventually end up back where they were born after they had had a good experience of life on the other side to the planet, after they had tasted what it is like to be poor and humbled by the experience of not having. I had every intention of them knowing their father's identity and his religion and cultural upbringing so that they can have a base to work from in their own lives, they at least know their roots and what they choose to do with it is for them to figure out in the future whereever they may end up. I have always maintained that i would like their lives to be as colorful if not more so than mine and returnig to America I am positive would open all sorts of doors and windows of opportunity for this. I know waht they will go through will not be easy but it will always be a challenge and great for their character building.
Gary Harold left yesterday morning for KL and will be there with his brother and his Hare Krishna friends, from there they will head for the Mauritius where they will spend ten days. What will come out of this chance meeting God only knows and if this gentleman is as genuine as he seems perhaps my son will find a footing in the United States and a wise teacher to boot.

The past few months...

I have not been writing much lately simple because I have lost saveral of my entries in the past that I believe it is not meant to be and that it is time to let go of this habit untill such time when it is meant to be. I like to write as it helps me to evaluate my status at the present by reflecting upon my past and hopefuly be able to forge into the future with a better sense of direction. So if this piece too is lost in the mail well then I still continue with the believe that the AlMighty is till holding me back from expressing myself for some unknown reason and no one for that matter will know about it and hence it does not really matter even what I am sayinng at present.
Hoping for the best I wish to relate my life as of the begining of the new year till the present, what major events has transpired since and where I am headed for henceforth. One of the most significant event that has taken place in my lifwe thus far is the fact that I have found a female companion, someone to keep me from totally in a depraved state of being lonely for opposite sex. It is not an easy move for me to make as I have been without any female companion eversince my wife left for the state four years ago and I have not had any sexual encounter eversince my daughter who is now almost sixteen was born! Nope! Not even with my wife and I never swore myself to become a celibate for whatever reasons. Its just a fact of life and there is none to blame for it is beyond blame. I missed having a sexual partner no doubt however out of respect for my marriage and my wife I hads never ventured to have any consummate relationship with anyone and somehow over the years gotten used to it.
My lady friend at present is someone I met by chance and she is from the Philipines. I like her simplicity which attracted me most about her and I enjoy talking to her about life and teasing her about her ways. Who knows where it will all lead to but at present I am happy that i have someone that I can allow myself to be a man again after all these years! Although i have only met her quite recently I am already beginning to feel my old self starting to come alive. It seems like I have been holding back a dam of emotional floatsam within me and they are about to break loose, released from their years of confinement locked within bY guilt and ignorance catering to the needs of others and what they have to say. Today I say to hell with all those who have been passing heavy duty judgements upon my life style and habits and i am goin to rise from my ashes of self deprivation and guilt ridden trips into what is in store for me for better or for worse.
I welcome the new year with a new breath and a new spirit, the spirit of liberation and freedom from cares and wants, from confinement and restrictions and subjugation, I am awaken.

To write or not to write?

The Thaipusam took place yeasterday and there was a good turnout of people from all over the country and tourists from who knows where with their cameras hanging round their necks and sweating like hogs under the scorching sun. As always the atmosphere was electrical with alot of noises and from deafening hindu spritual wailings off the loud speakers as well as live. I love the rythm these sounds cam mesmerise one into a state of spritual estatic and move you to dance along with the crowd accompanying the Kavadies. Devotees with hooks attached to their physical parts some beraing small containers of milk, or lemons attached to the front and backs, there are those that have metal rods skewered through their cheeks while straining against ropes with large hooks attached to the backs like a wild bull trying to pull a cart. Then there are smaller more sedate performers who carry on their shoulders beautifully decorated kavadies with cans of milk attached at each ends, these were mostly women and children. The devotees were all performing a act of fulfilling their vows made to Lord Murugan or to any other number of deities who is a part of the Hindu Pantheon of devine manifestation such as the more popular ones like Lord Kirsna, Lord Ganesha ( The elephant headed deity) or Parvati and so forth.
I enjoy Thaipusam even if I am a Muslim. For me it is a spiritual rite that evokes ancient beliefs that had survived till this day and age linking our human psyche to the Universe collecctively. It is a dance of love and devotion between the devotees and the one devoted to where faith of the one overcomes pain and discomfort all in the strangth of Devotion. It does not matter who you are or what denomination you originate from, to be in the midst of the throngs of humanity marching in full conciousness evoked by the electrical energy generated by the the single purposeness of devine worship can have an effect on you. No matter how jaded and callous one has become towards spirutality or tyhe collective superconciousness inherent in us all one is bound to be moved by the scene and the vibes unless one is a total zombie in this realm of existance.
I enjoyed sketching the scenes and often getting approval nods from those around me as they peered over my shoulder wondering what in tarnation I was up to. While doing these quick sketches mostly using charcoal pencils the beat of Indian drums and chantings filled my being like i was at a reggae concert. I sketched to the rythm and became a part of the scene as though I was fulfilling my vows made to my own personal deity on this auspicious day in th Hindu calendar of worship.

At the personal level closer to the earth, i am still lost in my day to day struggle to make ends meet for myself and my three secondary school dependants. Two are my own and one is my niece who has come to stay with us to help ease her parents from the inconvenience of time and money inorder for her to go to school. It is a little tight for my already unpredictable financial situation but it has to be for the present untill something better couldbe worked out. School is still a priority in my list making sure hat all three kids gets what they need and get to school on time, do their homework have their dinner, do their laundry and most of all watch less CDs and DVDs!!