A Moment with Lee Khai.

  Had a long religious/spiritual discussion with my Brother, Lawyer, Lee. We have known one another for more than two decades and I hold great Love and Respect for my Brother; he has been trying to preach me into becoming a Christian or accept The Christ as my Savior and I have a slight hesitant to it only because I was born a Muslim, my Parents converted to Islam and that makes me first a Muslim in honor of my lineage. I Love God no matter what form or name you accept Him to be, but I am Muslim by birth and I abide by the ways of Islam. It is not as easy as one might think, to be a true Muslim ...I am way away from being close to being a practicing Muslim. I failed at praying on time five times a day and highly doubt that I would make it to do my Haj in this lifetime and not that because I have one offered to sponsor my trip If I wish to do my Umrah. Lee is a Pastor at his own Church if I am not mistaken and I have had the opportunity to visit the congregation once or twice during Christmas and I enjoyed what I experienced, but it is not an attraction for me. Lee is a Strong and True Believer in my eyes and I greatly respect him for it. On top running one of the most successful Law firm in Town he also holds the position of ,Chairman of the Penang State Art Gallery. His Art collection I believe is second to none in size and selections, Lee Khai has a very sensitive nose for good artworks, his law firm office can easily be turned into an art Gallery. 

Lee had just returned from China where he had taken a group of Local Artist from here for a look see all over China and before he left I asked him to get me Chinese Ink and brush and some rice papers for me, but they must be of good quality and original. He did but no Chinese ink, instead Chinese water colors and scroll book to paint on. What I like about the man is that he likes to throw a curve ball and when one least expect just like a good Lawyer. Talking to him about the finalization of the state of my soul when I die was like being put before the Devil's Advocate and I have to be weary of what i express to not make an impression of submitting to another's will instead of my own or my Maker's. Not that I am trying to evade having to make a choice between the Christian God and The Muslim, the choice has been made and my soul is at stake for better or worse; I Love The Lord in my own way. I can convert to no other religious faith but I will always keep myself open towards all that I can learn from each and every religion that presents itself before me. I was once called an eclectic, I pick, pluck and choose what is best for my path, right or wrong WallahuAllam, only God knows and as the Buddha is said to have said, Right and Wrong is a sickness of the mind." I told Lee that much prefer the teachings of the Buddha when it comes to facing this realm of my existence, the physical, material realm of thought formations, the realm of illusion. I have made vows that i cannot easily drop on account of the fact that i decided to convert to another faith or religion. Not many are familiar with what the Boddhisatva Vow is and what it entails, easy just google it.

Lets not get into that it is a worn out subject an over used justification towards having to make a stand, an ultimatum of the highest nature, the choice between what is right and what is wrong in this discussion I had with Lee Khai. My submission to the Christian God of Lee's will save me from the eternal damnation that I am facing for all my past sins and only the Grace of God can save me. I agree so, as the Lord my God is All Compassionate and Merciful and He is a Forgiving Lord not vengeful, this I assume my Lord to be and I love my lord. He has led me along this path whether I knew it or not, He has been witness to my ups and downs and every now and then I felt His Mercy in the form of knocking me back on my track lest I totally drift too far from Him to be able to recover, the lifeline is lost. Never loose the Grace of the Lord no matter the form and the reason and be aware when it happens, for it does rarely happens. I feel the Presence of my Lord and yes, I hear Him in every song, chant and wailing of mothers in thr Refugee Camps all over the World. I see Him is every image even in the eyes of my cat, the smile  and frown of my children and I feel His presence when in good company such as this man I call my brother. My Dharma position when in the context of spirituality and faith is in ; Laillaha'illalLah there is none but Allah and Mohammad is the Messenger of Allah. This in the beginning, the present and the end, the rest is empty phenomena of mental formations; illusions, Not real, Maya. 

A Trip to Sedim Rumah Tok Cu with Hasnul.

 

Took a weekend trip to a place called Sedim, somewhere East of the town of Kulim, in Perak. It was to spend the weekend with my Friend Hasnul J. Saidon, The Director of the Museum Gallery Tuanku Fauziah at USM. Hasnul has recently been diagnosed with cancer of the kidney and at quit a later stage at present. So the trip was for me to help with the acceptance and surrender to the inevitable with pride and dignity worthy of a 'Spiritual" warrior. It is not easy when knowing that one faces death up close.  

I trust in the fact that my friend is and has always been a fighter albeit in intellectual or spiritual matters and the clear and presence danger of the cancer I see is making my friend more complete if not whole, more humbled and more caring of others' thoughts and feelings... It is a hard lesson that needed to be learned with regard to one's state of consciousness. It is a process of purification for an advanced soul to cross over on to the other shore. There is always a safety valve for the purpose of relieve from the over pressure of the surrounding or there is an implosion. End of story. 

And the river flows along in the blistering sun, The rocks are warm and the water is cold, what more miracles would you cry for? Space and time is there for us to share in the process of playing roles in our relationship to one another. Interpersonal Communication is an Art in itself. How much does your partner or friend understand what it is that you are projecting. Is it the Self or the ego that is projecting, how much is it is real and how much not. Sometimes words are not necessary between two who has transcended the verbal communication and rests in the silence of the no thinking mind. 

No I do not go around expressing myself like this, like what my daughter pointed out every no and then, "Dad, you are doing your Blogger talk again!" 

The Rambling must never end...till there's no more to ramble.

 Yes I have been burning the midnight oil most of the time too, thinking, reflecting, arguing, giving up, letting go: most of the time I have stood away from the Blog the mind has kept me busy while I keep feeding it the cause to, everything has been a vicious circle of karmic proportion and only being me can comprehend the magnitude of this self realization...I am No More!

In the silence of the mind, the pause in between two thoughts, in that short lightning span of time see for who you truly are in this scheme of life. If you're on stage what are you? What is your role, Where do you fit in all these ...how do you see what is real and what is not, do you take the position that nothing really matters! Silly? I often thought so myself, crazy even! But I enjoy putting down my thoughts, rambling away what it has stored back there somewhere, the untold stories, this is what the Blogging means to me. I am able to share what little experience i have had for over 74 years evolving into the person who is typing this post and you reading it, this is the connection we all seek and need to find if humanity is to unite in defense of itself. I would be rambling on more than I need to if I to paint a picture of the State of the World and Humanity today it would never end. I hope my sharing my thoughts and experiences in some way touches your heart like a sound of emptiness touching your tip of your ear, I am happy. Writing has become fun for me and ever since I have been Blogging Typing the key board has become a challenge to not miss to many stops and commas and to make sure that the grammar is okay, it is readable and understandable, I am Happy. My fingers has not any better with age but they still dance to the the sound of the flute from the Music channel and my eyes enjoy the green light from the latest keyboard in the market, so says Karim, my son. "Yes Dad, that's an expensive keyboard, don't you dare pour fish curry over it." I am beginning to appreciate my son's style of living better now, he spends good money over things he enjoys most as he is a hermit living in a nut shell of what the internet has to offer, how is Liverpool doing? : 

I once had an epiphany or a mini Satori if you like and like was whispering in my head, "God wants you to be Happy and share Happiness with others." I did not fell off the roof or slipped on my ass about it but it made me smile and with tears almost popping out of my eyes. It was just as I was struggling with my soul, my mind and my body and giving up at the futility of it all, God spoke to me. It all seem so down to earth and simple and all I was doing was tossing and turning shit over nothing. Allah, is merciful, loving and Compassionate, pick your choice and cling to it till fire turn to ash. Even a I am putting this on paper, I am still have, second thoughts, doubts and delusional; I am not my ego! I will do as I will and I will keep on digging and exposing the truth from the false till the day I give up this physical form. I will fall but I will keep on rising, I will walk tall and speak less and listen more and I strive with my utmost courage to attain the awakened mind. Whatever that is...I am still attach to my need for sleep and dream as a break from the so called reality as it is in the external realm, out there! I highly doubt that i can liberate my self from this way seeking mind, this mind that is clings to the past and hoping for the future, I have yet to even dare take the game to the next level of accepting the Divine and casting off the Mundane into emptiness the void where we dump a;; our outdated spare parts and engine blocks, where we store out memories and experiences which we have out grew in time. I am really am ambivalent with regard to giving up my present state of mind simply because I am still cautiously test the spiritual waters of how far or near I can go or am allowed to, like how much shall I keep revealing of myself in this post, how deep and blatant am I willing to expose myself? I am exposing nothing that is not of me and thus it is my choice, the freedom to give and take is mine in this case. 

Many are saying the Ego must be put to death before the Divine can be met with. The Ego stands at the gate blocking your way from entering the Gateless gate and step into the unknown where the ego becomes lost in a silent pause, no thoughts, no images, give up thinking and step into the emptiness of being, that space where is called your Dharma Position, that platform from which you stand and address the rest of the universe. It is amoral virtue too establish your own Dharma position in order they you know who and where or what is projecting itself in any given moment in time.  This my Primordial Ground, the ground of Beingness, by the laws that govern the Universe I stand my position as such! This, my, Center of Being, my undivided consciousness; my Ego. I admit that knowing with a good understanding of the Teachings of the Buddha and the Rishis and Sages, Masters and Gurus, I am still wallowing in a deep mud pool of ignorance where spirituality and enlightenment, Heaven and hell, I am still in the dark where I make my Dharma Position when I out of my cave and meeting another soul.; hey! This is who I am! Who are You?  

I keep reminding myself that I am the master of my Thoughts and Consciousness and I have been doing this ever since I was offered to read a book called 'The Master key," at the age of 25. It changed my life oh well made a dent in my young stubborn head, I kept running it in my head like a Mantra, I am the master of my thoughts and consciousness, my dreams and imaginations and then one day the question of all questions arises out of nowhere; Who am I? How does the tragic accident the took place at the bottom of the Ocean, how do I feel about the implosion of the Titanic Submersible which happened a few days ago and is in the news right now. Or how do I feel about the Palestinians being put to the bullets by Israelis Regime, what can I say? It is as it should be? It is all playing it out as the cause towards the downfall or destruction of yet another specie called the Homo sapiens. I am very concerned about the slow but steady process of self destruction of the planet as we know it to be simply by us not being around anymore to witness its recovery, this is evolution, the cycle of high and lows, life and death and the Dance of Shiva and the blow of the Trumpets in the skies, Yes on the Darker side of things I must admit that I am far from free of this realm as much as I wish to. Just like the rest of you I am here and dancing along...Be here Now! I can hear Ram Dass shouting, and The Power of Now, its significance trancendence power as Eckhart Tolle expounded and Alan Watts, 'This Is It!' Are you still following me? 

When on a spiritual journey as I believe I am guilty of, most of my life, one can expect small miracles to happen out of the blue and in nowhere places, accept these  as your bonuses with a quiet smile and praise be to the Lord! Give your thanks immediately before you turn the miracle into your own magic, be thankful, Alhamdullilah! I like to milk my thinking mind into expressing itself as much as it wants to and this is what it is doing; the mind is on and expression mode. The lower back pain is screaming for attention, the problem of sitting too long. So I thought why not see what gives first the mind or the lower back for me to quit this posting. As i said, mind loves to tell tales and makes up stories and often than not they all end in a melodramatic scenario of pain and sorrow, this why the Buddha said life is a pain in the lower back. Not exactly in those words but close, He meant to say that Life is Suffering, look at it anyway you suffer for as long as you happily in the realm of pain and suffering you are fine. But life is also Impermanence where all things in life comes to an end or changes, transform from one state to the next, nothing remains except that you call "I." That which you identify yourself with, the who you are as you understand yourself to be. How near or far are you from The Pearly Gates? How well you have understood what is Sunyata the Essence of the Buddha's Teachings, 

Oh Shariputra, 'Forms does not differ from Emptiness,

Emptiness does not differ from Form,

Form is Emptiness, Emptiness if form. ....The Heart Sutra.

 

In Honor and Loving memory of my Professor, Mentor and friend - Mr. William Prevetti

I also made time for reflecting the past through my sketch journals where I randomly pick a book and spend sometime with it sometimes adding a little here and there but most of the time recapping moments of my past, where i have been and what have I learned in each and every circumstances. The journals are my record keeping of who I was and who I am now. Each page and every note written was a record keeping me informed of my past actions and movements, my thoughts and reflections in time and space for better or worse. The History of the World may not interest you in the least but your own personal history should at least warrant attention if you are to know who truly are.

Teotihuacan, the Mayan and Aztec cultural exhibition was held at the De Young Museum of Asian History located in the Golden Gate Park of San Francisco. My late wife and kids, we  used to live two blocks from the park. As I was the babysitter while my wife worked the kids and I had the park to ourselves all six miles long of it.

It used to be that I was never anywhere without my sketchbook and I sketched like there was nothing better to do i life except being where I was with a sketchbook in hand. The art of drawing and sketching is one strong form of meditation in action. When you sketch what is before you or from your own imagination, your mind is focused in what you do and often you are not so easily distracted. This is why children should be encouraged to do allot of painting, drawing and sketching or any other artistic, creative activities in their schools.  

I didmost of these sketches at Golden Gate Park, celebrating the colors of spring in the park. When I graduated from the University of Wisconsin in Green Bay my degree was self designed. I designed my degree by participating in a pioneer project called University Without Walls. It was to encourage students to create their own future as far as what they expect from college. What is your intention? What is it you hope to achieve? Do you know what it is you are looking for? And last but not least do you know who you are?

 

One of professors, my mentor and God father was Mr. or as I always called him, Don Prevetti. To most of his collogues and friends called him Bill for William Prevetti. He was in his sixties when we met and right off I felt I had found my Guru when I first set my eyes into his I felt humbled by his gentleness.... as only a Buddha knows a Buddha.  Bill once touched my shoulder and whispered, "None of the guys can hold water up to you are capable of, Sam" We were at the Faculty Art Show that was held at the campus.

Perhaps is my ego that always wanted more, to go all the way with a gusto, perhaps it is my ego that is telling these in order to impress others...perhaps. However with his word I was accepted to participate in the 'Univesity Without Walls' program. My proposal letter was entitled, "Art In Quest of the Universality." In other words doing art out there in the streets instead of being stuck in the studios.

My first trip was to England for a month with a group of students doing the same project in their own disciplines. There I was travelling to London with a group of young Wisconsin boy and girls, it was a blast. This was when I decided to keep an on going journal of wherever and whatever I did or as close to as possible. My thoughts and intuitions, my senses and my consciousness was awakened as if from a state of being 'comfortably numb' towards pains and sorrows, from living a fleeting, meaningless life, being in England for one month threw me a curve and I took it with gusto. Till this moment i am still doing my study program..."University Without Walls"...I had to enter through the Gateless Gate to find the truth. 

 I am sharing as much as i can of my journey collecting memories from the images I am looking at and reflecting into the past to connect the dots. The sketches of the horses were inspired by the Golden Gate Horse Stable where adults an children alike were given horse riding and caring lessons. A great place to hangout for the kids. This is what I do too while being away from my Blogging. I realize now how these books keeps me in touch more closely as to who I am , where I have been and where I am at.

Places and Times spent in my retreat from Blogging.

 

These are the love of my life! I made a short trip with my daughter to visit her cousins, nephews and nieces. These are the hope and future of our nation and I know personally that they work very hard at school and at home. The family run a bakery known as "Kedai Roti Israil" or Israil's Bakery. The name itself is an irony to have such a name in a strictly Muslim community was is always a cause to raise eyebrows. But the Bakery survives one generation and now in the process of being handed over to the next. Sarah standion next to her brother Farouk will soon become a lawyer if not already. The other two young ladies Asma and Sumaya are still in school. Then there is my daughter, their auntie!

The Parents, Mohd Rafi and his wife Rubina who has been a medical disaster going in and out of hospitals most of their married life and despite all this they raised their children into fine young adults. 

Mohd Rafi is the eldest of all my nephews and Nieces and he used to call me "PokCik Maroh!" or the scolding uncle and I used to carry him on my shoulders from our home all the way to the South China Sea, to hang out in the evenings. Rafi is to me one of the most patient and resilient man with an strength worthy of a man of faith; Mohd. Rafi  manifests a true spirit of patience and endurance in the Muslim Way.  

It is said that you keep the best of you friends to you and grow old together, this is the Elegant Way. 

I was at the wedding of a close friend's daughter. Mamu as he is popularly known among his many customers at the Taman Sardon Food Court, in Brown Garden. Watching Mamu entertain his customer is show in its own. His mouth just spews out words of wisdom towards some unfortunate lady for not putting the different sweets in the right plastic bags! Two days ago I visited him at his stall and gave his wet sweaty skinny body a massage in public. All the customers started shouting and teasing him for getting the special treatment being the Boss and all. He will insist when I accosted him for being to brazen in dealing with his customers but he just shrug and said." The need to be told what is the right way and the wrong and I don't care if they are lawyers or Professors, I just say it as it is, I don't worry if they do come back or not.

Mom and daughter rolling dough filled with coconut in the blazing heat of the evening sun day in day out. I call her, Madame ever since we met but her name is Rose. She originally was from Kelantan and the young lady helping her was the one that just got married. 

The TV Screen is the worse distraction yet a necessary evil.

More than anything else I spent a great amount of time watching videos, podcasts especially talks on spiritual development and so forth. Alan Watts and J.Krishnamurti are fading away into filed memoriesmwith what lesson was needed taped and file in special favorites where they can easily be accesable when needed, and so does great minds such as Ram Dass and Mooji Baba, Ekhart Tolle and ThichNanhtHan.; they were among my gurus and teachers, men who had helped open my eyes into what is the real and the unreal. 

Then there is NETFLIX, HBO, YOU TUBE and the Disney even. channels to choose from to waste the time away while waiting for nothing to happen.

I do some drawing and sketching while watching these videos and it helps me to pay attention to what was being said, otherwise my mind would be jumping all over like a monkey after eating the Belacan as the Malays say. Belacan is shrimp paste and monkeys are said to love the taste and the smell but they go ape crazy after. Hence the saying "Kera kena Belacan."

His Holiness The Dalai Lama has been one of my Guru spiritually, I follow his life and teachings quite closely. It would be a blessing to be able to touch his feet in this lifetime ; He is the personification of Avalokiteshvara Boddhisatva Mahasatva, The Goddess of Mercy and Infinite Compassion. Humanity will pay a heavy price if he is not listened to. What China did to Tibet the country and Buddhism the religion is unforgivable no matter the rationale or justification. It will always be in my mind this horror of man over man all in the name of an ideology. Shame on me! To be a witness to this event in my lifetime and be not able to do a damn thing except pray.

When a Great Soul walks the earth there will always be hope for humanity, we will spiritually survive what is to come. Your Holiness,  May you attain the Complete and Eternal Samadhi in the Buddhas Realm in your next Incarnation. 

Ever since I started to listen to Mooji afew years ago, the 'Rasta Guruji" I call him, I find him to have arrived at the probably the highest level of the Boddhisatva state of consciousness like that of Avalokiteshvara or Manjushri or Samanthabadra, Bodedhisatva Mahasatvas. His teachings touches more and more people around the world,  These are the Avatars manifesting to lead humanity out of the darkness we are in.

I spent allot of time in trying to make sense of Malaysian politics. Often I felt hopeless and angry at how badly the country has fallen into debts and corruption, its is unbelievable it makes one feels being made a fool of by the so called politicians. Watching the Parliamentary proceeding has become another roadside attraction, its entertaining at times and ridiculous at other, it is like watching a Kangaroo Court in secession. I realize that today I am living is dire and desperate times where the Political scenario is concern.  It was my experience on the beach of Batu Buruk in in Kuala Terengganu after listening to the Present Prime Minister gave his talk that I was trapped into taking political interest about what is going on in my country. It was in 1998 and not long after Anwar Ibrahim found himself in jail. We shook hand and looked into each other's eyes and I felt his strong spirit touches mine and ignited yet another path in my journey of self discovery -Politics.

During the Month of Ramadan I spent allot of time talking to God, asking for forgiveness for my past transgressions towards Him and His Creation. I did most of the talking and I believe He listened. I still am not able to pray five times a day as much as I tried to, but I tried to justify why as best I could. I told Him of my Devoted Love for Him even as he appears in other forms and different Names; I recognize Him in all that I do, good or evil. Without His Will and infinite Compassion nothing could have happened to me in this life, He has been my Protector and Defender leading me through thick and thin so I can taste what is the best and the worse life can offer. 

My Aussie friend Ben Ronjen had brought back this hat for me as i have asked him for one. Ben said that this is an official policeman hat worn in the old days, he removed the tin badge stuck at the front of the hat. Ben returned to Australia to be with his brother who not long after died of cancer. He is presently married to a beautiful Chinese lady living here in Penang. I spent quality times with my Aussie brother and the last was when we had lunch at the Penang Turf Club. 

How does one grow old with dignity and elegance, I am manifesting my image of man like Indiana Jones. 

Hanging out places for the past few months.

The Museum Gallery Tuanku Fauziah, MGTF -  University Sains Malaysia, USM is another one of my long time hanging out place where I get to meet  those who are work for the Government, the intellects and the thinker. I have yet to meet the real spiritually intellectual man, or intellectually spiritual man. whatever that means, I will recognize him one day. 

The sad news is, I found out that my good friend if not my brother Hasnul J. Saidon has been diagnosed with cancer of the kidney. Hasnul is my lifetime connection to the Museum and we had many creative and productive times together. He was responsible for my first solo exhibition in Georgetown, Penang. The Show entitled "HUMIND" was exhibited at a Bank on Beach Street. He opened the doors for me to share my works with the public and we often sit and shoot the crap about nothing.

This was the exhibition that Hasnul who is the Director of the Museum was working on when I visited the place during months that I had not made any entry into my Blog. This is to me Hasnul's creative art installation, it was dynamic, and draws you into the whole set up.

 

My daughter's car, the Axia is what I get around in and it is the perfect vehicle for the City where parking makes you want to give up driving. The Museum and its environment has been my practice place just the fisherman's jetty in jelutong is. People think relatively all the same thoughts only at different levels. For me being able to hang out with the good the bad and the ugly and survive is good enough.

Afzanizam is his name and he has all the potentials of becoming the next director if Hasnul quits. Good man from my years of hanging out together.  

Where the Boys hangout shooting the breeze, Zam, Hasnul and Myself. Discussing our purpose in life when this pictures were taken and how to promote this from the perspective of a Museum Gallery. The quality of life is measured by the company you keep, the more the merrier. Friendship and camaraderie is the measurement by which you gauge your state of beingness if all is in its proper place and extremely well balanced throughout. Your friends and loved ones are mirrors of who you are, you share in their happiness and grieve. May my Brother Hasnul remains strong and positive in facing this cancer of his. 

 

I Am still Sitting on the Dock of the Bay...

I still spent time staring out to the horizon at Mie's Pondok at the Jelutong Malay Fisherman's Jetty, which is off the Lim Chong Eu freeway.  This will always be my port where I can sit and be as I will. I have spent more than ten years of my life hanging out here,  smoking, reading, looking past the horizon into the unmanifested scape of my subconscious state...stoned or sober. My buddy, paddling his way to his fishing hole. What is reality? space and time? Who or what is God, and how do I fit in into all these? I lost a very close friend not too long ago, and the place has changed much; and I make my visits on rare occasions.

  
Much time is spent here during the Fasting Month of Ramadan, sitting, contemplating, and meditating upon the unknown, looking for answers to irrelevant questions, and making sure to win the hearts of all those you cross paths with. Honor and respect have to be earned and returned accordingly to develop trust and confidence. From heart to heart, we foster a relationship of love and understanding, and compassion.

 

I believe that the collective human Mind/Spirit has projected this existence into being, each and every one has his/her part in it, and together we think our world into being. Sometimes I think this thought while I am reclining into the deck chair facing the Bay Bukit Mertajam far into the horizon. I am an addicted to many things and one of my worst is thinking thoughts all the time, sometimes unrelated and off-the-wall thoughts that to most, if they can perceive what my mind thinks, I would be dubbed insane. Perhaps in more than one way, I am insane, only I cover my tracks carefully so I appear more a thinker than a dreamer, and I am their 'Mamu' or uncle among the Penang Mamaks. In Kedah, like Sik or Belantik the y they call the eldest, Pak Long, or Wan in some places. And this too is how my mind wanders from one moment to another...I decided to call it "The Rambling Mind."

Row row row your boat, gently down the stream. Merily, Merily, Merily life is but a Dream and we are all in one large dream boat being cast off to sea to wander looking for what is reality, what is life, what is ...while our mind sits in the comfort of our manifested space and observes. We become witnesses to what events that is before us and what our role is in this space and environment. I am the Master of my space and environment, events and circumstances: I am the Director of my own Movie, Skipper of my own Boat.

"So, sail on Silver Girl, sail on by....

Your time has come to shine...

All your dreams along the way...

See how they shine, ohh when you need a friend,

I'm sailing right behind..." -

 Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Simon and Garfunkel.

Man needs his contact with his fellow man at all levels of personal relationships is possible. Our interpersonal relationship with others is what keeps us moving along towards higher hopes of not only the survival but preservation of human honor and dignity to be called a Man.

"Place no man above or below you," the Buddha is said to have said. 

"For there is none above, nor below is greater than you" With this assertion one steps into the Dharma position of being who we truly are while on this journey, of self discovery, of understanding one's original nature the original mask worn before the journey had begun; that which was before you were conceived, before the breath of the Lord was blown into you or before your ancestor crawled out from the depths of the muddy waters and mutated into being who you are. Regardless of how I have come to view myself, I get his feeling that I am really running in circles over nothing in particular while making believe that I am actually doing something great and useful, productive and even creative for the benefit of humanity, at least those who take the trouble to read!

"So, sitting on the Dock of the Bay...wastin time."

This entry is dedicated to all my friends at the fisherman's jetty. I am grateful for their friendship, their respect, trust, and understanding. Their final acceptance of me for who I am into their private club, their inner sanctum, be ever so humble as it may seem. From them, I have learned what humility and integrity mean, what love and compassion towards cats mean, and what sharing the food on the table is all about. This is how my mind rambles as I sit and watch the waves roll by.
  

  

 

 

How far or near have I come in my absence from my Ramblings.

I AM BACK ! HAPPY Birthday Karim!!!!

jUNE 21ST. 2023.

 On this day of my son, Karim's Birthday, I am breaking my vow of silence from making any Blog entries for at least a year since my last entry in Sept of 22. No big deal really, but on this auspicious day, in honor of celebrating his 31st.-2nd? I would like to share a few highlights of the time I was away from the Blog. As much as it a tedious and repetitious effort I feel it needs to be recap events that had affected my state of consciousness, my state of Mind, my perception of who I am - how far or how near am I towards walking through this Dharma Gate and enter into the future; free from the very perception that the I is manifesting................................................................................................................................I Am, No More!! 

On this day I had dropped off my son at the Ferry terminal at Weld Quay, close to the big round about with the Clock Tower, ask any cab driver he will point it out to you...don't be shy to ask for directions when you are lost, advice when you are  offered; the Universal  Collective Mind, or Supreme and Absolute Consciousness has manifested this event just as it should be...Knock and it's open... Ask and it Shall be Given,, or something like that was written in the Good Book and I often wondered h ow true this line is. I had a realization one day and told myself to let it all go, abandon all hope, complete and unsubscribed emptying of the human consciousness, empty...gone! Gone beyond the concept of Gone! I realized that I have been sleep walking again most of the time being away from making my postings. I had a realization that nothing really matters as all things matters, letting of the ego attachment towards wanting to Give, share, express something from the depth of emptiness itself what it is to make any sense of what this is all about and know, understand and accept the it is all an Illusion, a manifestation of the Collective minds projecting all the discomforts and ultimately fear of our human existence, yours and mine, the who I am and the who you are, collectively we are generating out this whole show on the Universal Screen and we all appear on the stage in our own guises, our personalities and peculiarities, positive and the not so positive sentiments, we are the actors, then there's the Director and the Screen Writer and the Producers and the actors! Following them are the minions that help to make movies, make the unreal look alive! "Life is like this, He said." 

Our station, our position, our status, our present Dharma Position, is and will always be rooted in the emptiness of the presence, being conscious of our rootedness, our forms, and how our mind works is going too technical and deep , not necessary anymore to keep elaborating, they either gets it or it just flew swiftly over their head. One of the most revealing yet often painful moments I had was during the Month of Ramadan. I realized while fasting that it was a blessed practice the not many at the Zen centers all round can handle if they are challenged. To fast body, mind and soul, from dawn till dusk for one whole month. I am not able to truly fulfill the whole  rules and rituals of it, My thoughts still wanders and I was trapped into still asking questions like.. who is praying? or who is playing this Video Game, the one who created the Games and we will come to acknowledge that there is no Permanence and it is all impermanent, the events the image the performance the whole show is gone, as 'Gone in the Wind. ' How many still this Epic of a Movie. The Buddha's teaching of the cause of suffering is that , Nothing is Permanent in this Life and in knowing this man suffers from the worse of illness we all suffer from, the end of life, death. It is how ironic the very little time is devoted towards understanding the nature of what is life and liv[ng. What it is to be alive, to be human to breath, fart and scream shit in the park! Most of humanity is sleep walking as most awakened souls would agree, but it is as it should be, being is the state of awakened requires a whole lot of practice and the magic word , discipline! To be able to stay on course of the 'Siratal Mustakin', the straight and narrow path towards the 'Arassh of the Lord,' or the Seat/Throne of the Divine Spirit, it demands servitude. surrender and letting go. Love and Compassion is the code of arms, its Logo. ...God's Mondo to man. Live well and do good, suffer in silence with pride and dignity and share everything you have left with all those who ask of you... Pantang Kedekut! I abhor all forms of stinginess, selfishness, not able to share what can be shared and keeping and hoarding wealth while those who could use a helping. Have faith in the laws of of Nature and the laws of Man that as you give, so shall you receive. Nope! They have made a great You Tube Video on 'Giving' and why it is not so good for you. Yikes!   

     You Tube Videos are sometimes fool of crap don't be trapped into believing, being attached to, or suckered into from You Tube Videos, but on spiritual matters there are many teachers and much wisdom to be experienced. Surrender with an open Heart to learn to, to understand, to become what is the real and what is the unreal. What is Darkness and what is Light? What is the Permanent and the Impermanent. How to keep and maintain this level of consciousness and take the next breath, to higher and deeper level of the understanding of Who I am in the seen and the unseen world, the Story Teller telling his tall tales of his ups and downs, justifying to himself as he grows old, who Am I or What am I? Seriously, what am I? I have been asking this ever since I can remember often some heavy circumstances of the moments of my life. The fasting month I went through some freaky and enlightening stuff night and day...mostly asking for forgiveness for past transgression from the Supreme Lord of Creation and the Hereafter. Being a Muslim I call Him by the Name,  Alllah SWT. First, there is none saves One and He is the Lord thy God. .. close enough  Astarghfirrullah il Azim, AlGhafururohim. The Divine Grace of the Lords Mercy is promised to All and careful in what you ask for. You and I are trapped, we are trapped in a web of illusion and delusion from the very beginning of our moment of consciousness...........we are trapped in the cycle of re - Birth - Life - Death, we are subject tot he laws of karma by virtue of the fact that we  believe we exist as this physical form as a reality, the reality of a dualistic mind. a dual thinking mind of opposites; I am right, you are wrong!

On this auspicious day of the 21st. of June, it being Karim's birthday and all I am hereby making some small revelations of my own for the benefit of no one anywhere but for the under5standing and enlightenment of my own Buddha Nature, that which is and will always be. So here we go again trying to explain the what really is Buddha Nature? Where to begin? Every Human and Sentient Beings in general that is alive and breathing in this Universe is a Buddha, it is inherent within the laws of Being in the cycle of, Life = Death - Rebirth that life on this Planet is Alive and paying It's Karmic Debt as It manifest Itself through all of the collective consciousness , the Planet is a product of this CC.  i DISCOVERED THAT MY FAVORITE MEAL THESE DAYS IS THE SUBWAY TUNA SANDWICH!     The World is on the brink of a Nuclear Conflict and We are loosing species of creatures big and small lost into extinction and the climate is shifting into a different gear and man is becoming more and more complacent and sleep walking his way from one hole into another thinking this is who he is in reality. he is blinded by the ignorance of the masses as he is ignorant of who he truly is. He is afraid to claim the wisdom as thought by the Buddhas and Bodhisatvas of the past, present and future. History teaches nothing and man is lost in his own shadow looking to know his true nature. WE should all call ourselves ,'Shadow Walkers," instead of sleepwalkers. How can a blind person appreciate the beauty of heaven when he has never knew what color is or even what light is...WallahuAlam, only God knows.

At the moment while I am writing this post my cat is stuck on the roof below my grills and I am at a lost on how to get him back up without him dropping twelve floors down. It has happened several times before where I simply dragged him out by the scruff of his neck but he has since grown in size and is having a hard time fitting in between the grills. I can feel he is scared out of his wits, what am I to do? And all the anger and frustrations stats to well up inside as the mind feels sorry for itself having to deal with the situation; the food of the ego to feel present. So just for now I choose to do nothing and let it go till new ideas of a change in the situation arises. I am in the meantime busy with my upcoming art exhibition next month. Thoughts of how what to that is needed and so on is whirling in my head, to frame, to hang to transport and where to get the funds! All I feel is I am tired! Physically, mentally and emotionally tired...and I got the whole day to worry about the cat...

                   Bochi, the one one always getting stuck on the roof.

Problems, adversities, issues, challenges will keep popping up when you least expect and so the saying expect the unexpected...it may not be good, still expect the unexpected, or I rather like the Boys Scouts' motto which says, "Be Prepared". Deal with a situation with calm and awareness, refuse to listen to the moan and groan of the ego self,  the small "I" and it will moan and groan. Let it, until it has no more to complain by merely observing its rise and fall and how or what makes the changes. There and will always be moments and episodes in one's life that will challenge all that you have practiced and bring you down to your knees, but they are all illusions they are there to shake your resolve and awaken you from your slumber.  I am telling myself these things more so than anything else, my on going catharsis and in this case in the present moment; what do I do? and the answer is still ,nothing! I do nothing as there is nothing that I can do except  continue painting my "Crow" painting and keep writing my thoughts down as I go along. I shall have some lunch before my gastric acts up on my empty stomach, it's almost 3;pm and have not eaten much since morning I'm cruising for a bruising as they say out West. 

I have had two cats fallen from the twelve to the ground floor and one, Furby the Mama cat survived with hardly a scratch but the experience of picking them off the floor below was not what I would like to keep repeating. Cats has nine lives they say, however they forgot to add 'some cats' to the line.

                                              Furby

As I feel like I am running out of things worth sharing on to the Blog, I have decided to take a break from making any more postings. I hope that in time I will find my life changes a little more exciting if not challenging worth reading other than cats jumping off the roof. Perhaps i will take a year off and see what gives. 

                                         

  

I have to wake up from giving up. - Happy 73rd. or 37th Birthday Bahari!!!

I woke up at 4;15 am. and sat on the bed addressing my Lord and Creator for forgiveness and Blessings on this my 73rd. birthday. I do this ritual between me and God just about every morning as soon as the 'Subuh' or morning call to prayer is heard from the State Mosque. I ask myself where have the 73 years been and answered that it has brought me here in this moment in space and time. I am grateful for the bonus of the number of years I have been blessed with and the relatively good health that I still am enjoying. Many of  my peers have left for the Happy Hunting Ground reminding me that I too am approaching that age where the end of this physical existence can happen at any time and pray that when it happens I will be able to exit this stage with grace and dignity intact, Insha'Allah, God willing. I will not dwell on the past as this long and tedious  Blog has done that, but I will look forward to what the future holds with greater zeal and zest and enthusiasm for if there be anything I have learned thus far it is that, life is too precious to be taken in vain. The best of times and the worse of times was upon pondering, seems to be as they should be or as they were meant to be. Call it fate, call it destiny or simply call it just living life; I did  and still am living life to the fullest whatever that criterion may be. I have long stopped comparing to others especially my twin brother and mu cousin who is a week older than me, and yes they are both successful in life in more than one way. Age is just a number as many a wise man would point out, however ageing is a process that transcends numbers if one live fully awaken to the moments in time of one's life. These entries I have been making in this Blog which numbers to date some 2400 entries thus far is but a speck of dust made in the entry in the Book of Life or the Loh Mahfuz as known in Islam. I am no larger in shape or appearance where the Universe is concern even if my ego would want to think otherwise. So the question still haunts me perhaps to my grave; Who Am I?

I have been neglecting making my posts of late, like skipping some pages from my diary. and this is not because I have lost interest in keeping up with this ongoing journal of my life, nay, it is partly because of the development happening in my spiritual practice. The latest twist and turns that has taken place in my meditation and self observation pursuit over the last few months which in part has taken the 'silence' mode. In the effort to silence the mind it is imperative that I avoid anything and everything that triggers thoughts and thinking. However I find myself failing at this attempt miserably as I am being drawn to watch more NETFLIX and listen to more YOU TUBE videos among others and visit more friends and relatives than I have in the past! However all is not lost, I believe I have been able to become more and more detached from most of these activities as I find myself more and more removed from them even as I am involved in their presence and as I used to call this in the past it is detached - involvement or as the Taoist would call it WuWei,- inactive action. I am writing this in fulfilling my commitment towards a promise made years ago to keep and ongoing Blog when it all began at my friend Fadzly Mubin's suggestion while I was living in the East Coast State of Kuala Terengganu sometime in 2004? I say detached involvement not simply of parroting what others are saying on You Tube or writing in books but I am saying it as a part of a personal self discovery observation in my self in my day to day self analysis of how my mind works and yes I am finding it possible as what was suggested by J.Krishnamurti that one can observe the mind's working as closely and even in my dreams.

It is interesting to find that as much as you try to silence the chattering mind the more it chatters and the subject is endless and as giving up is not an option one learns to accept and deal with it with skillful means. One learns to accept and adapt, to observe and evolve towards filtering and lessening the amount of traffic that flows through knowing the flow can never be stopped by any attempt or force; it will only stop on its own volition through right understanding and loving kindness, yes the human mind is a highly sensitive entity that can be coaxed into settling down and eventually silence; perhaps more so than anything any man has to deal with in his life. The sad feeling is how many do really pay attention to such an obvious task as this taming of the mind in this day and age? The answer really is , it does not really matter, or perhaps more than I expect as the proliferation of knowledge today is boundless and as the saying goes at the very tip of the fingers. Next to breathing, thinking is of paramount importance for man to understand and come to terms with and allot has been talked about and written on this matter readily available in books and You Tube.

Hence, I must say that at the age of 73 I am still trying to understand how my mind works and how to find the peace and tranquility that  most of us seek to embrace. It is said that it might take a lifetime or it might happen allot faster if one can make a retreat into a cave in the mountains somewhere, but this is all still mental formations and projections that I still have to deal with. Surrendering the ego personality takes some doing as th ego is a formidable entity that will always demand attention and recognition and the ego can only be coax into giving up itself willingly or better yet be allowed to act in times of need without fear or favor towards achieving a goal; i.e. the ultimate absolute freedom from the small, thinking mind; the primary tool of expression for the ego. This is the mind that is always in need and often having low self esteem Not that it matters anymore, but I love my ego and without having been egotistical in the past I would not end up here where I am making this entry. At 73 I can still express myself, my thoughts and feelings, my guilt and shame, my success and achievements. I just gave a back massage to a 64 year old friend at the fisherman's jetty where I spent the evening, I hope it helps him to wake up from giving up.( in despair and defeat). I have also set out at the initial stage of writing this Blog in order to master the art of the written form, the ability to express myself in words albeit therapeutic or otherwise     - I wanted to become a great writer. Have I accomplished this? It remains to be seen. It is my egotistical desire to be able to send a sonic boom across the universe at the moment of my physical death to announce like the historical Buddha,  that "Behold I have Awakened and the Universe Awakens with Me!...I am no more."   #happyhuntingground,#physicalexistence,#lohmahfuz,#thebookoflife,#youtube,#jkrishnamurti,#wuwei,#chatteringmind,#historicalbuddha    

   

   

      

I need to take a Break from making serious observation of myself; I think too much - Part one.

 So let's us take a trip back when to take a retreat from the present state of mind...San Francisco! Specially for those who are familiar with life in The Bay Area.

  " I am stuck in the middle, my friend,,,!" - Joshua Bowes, while living on Haight and Ashbury right on the corner facing the ADVARK recycled clothing store, used to be behind The Gap. This is for the benefit of those who were my fellow travelers on this path of self discovery, self dissolution, self annihilation; the middle way. Those who are familiar with the Haight/Ashbury colorful cultural/historical background, the Birthplace of the Flower Children! Located on the outskirt of the Golden Gate Park, it was the place where a whole lot of cultural cum spiritual changes took place and perhaps still does. I used to live for a few yeas in this area of the San Fracisco Golden

                                    With Josh and his Indonesian Buddy  taken in his kitchen .

Gate Park, we used to live on Stanyan and Carl, my late wife Nancy and our infant son, Karim. Our apartment was right at the top of the road and parking was always a challenge. I still have the note that was left underneath my windshield wiper, saying to the effect that had rolled off and made a complete U-Turn where it was parked in

someone's driveway. The Lord must have been watching over us that no accident had taken place. And why am I telling all these? I am sharing a piece of my life while living with my family in the San Francisco Bay Area where in all I spent ten Years of my life from being a Zen student/ Organic Farm worker to running an Industrial yard on the SF Water Front area as the Yard Superintendent for H&H Ship and Environmental Service, This company is long gone and the whole area where I had spent six years of my life with the Office at 20, China Basin right next to the O'Shagnessy draw bridge on Third Street.

Anyhow, the whole area has been turned into the Present San Francisco Giants Ball pARK.! I was working at a site where major changes was about to happen it was a privilege, an honor to be present on one of the SF Landmarks, the Water Front. Stretching from the Presidio all the way to Hunter's Point, this was where I worked as a Yard Boss. I was in charge of the Underground  Fuel Tank Dispossal  facility and the general management of the whole Yard area. It was one of the most toxic and messy job that I have ever held and I spent six years of my life making sense out of non-sense, keeping safe what was potentially the most hazardous environment to work in. I needed a job and I was just (kicked) out of the Zen Monastery at Green Gulch Farm and was sleeping underneath Joshua's kitchen table till I got on my feet or face becoming a homeless in the Streets of SF.

 

The highlight of my life living in the SF Bay Area was working for H&H Ship and Environmental Services, a Hazardous Waste Management and Ship servicing Company located off third Street on the Water Front Area of The SF Bay. I loved my life, not an easy one but it a many of its time where I grew to know myself better, my weaknesses and and my strength. Here I found and lost Love and I lost my self esteem and any pride that I have for myself and found that I had to raise two beautiful children while my late wife taught English as a second language out of UC Berkeley, Ca. It was in the Bay Area that I was able to let off much of anger at life thanks to my friends and loved ones, I Love San Francisco and will always feel blessed having tasted Her beauty and her wealth of humanity, of love for one and another, I learned my lessons after ten years of living in this beautiful City, Two of my children were born in the City, one at the Davies Medical Center and the other at the one on Army and Mission Street, can't remember the name now.  #sanfrancisco,#haightashbury,#goldengatepark,

It's all a matter of Justifying to myself....

One who justifies, does not convince,

Not even to himself...Lao Tzu, ( the Old Boy at the Gate).

All my life I have been justifying to myself, my reason for existing in the time and space I occupy in this physical form, with these same old thoughts of right and wrong and I am not convinced as just yet if I have the answers...or any idea even of my original nature of who or what I am; this is my spiritual conundrum. After having written so much thus far I am beginning to feel the time has come to cease trying to put my lengthy justifications in words, cease telling my stories to a mindless audience not out there, except in my own imagination and to trying to convince this act of catharsis will unveil a revelation or two as to what if there is any meaning to this , my personal existence. Please do not ask me like who is asking, do not take these cheap Zen trip shots but come with answers that can help liberate this soul from its present sate and move on to a higher level of consciousness. I invite you to walk with me through this passage in time of ours. With the 'I' no longer in the equation and the "I am" is non existent, words have become useless, they have become irrelevant, redundant while in the effort to reveal what is beyond or transcendent of words, I cannot bring myself to reveal what is happening in 'My' absence. ..I am No More. The supreme state is without a form or emptiness, a being or non being-ness, it is the complete perfect state of wholesomeness of presence...a Peace of which words has no means to express, however express to the best of my ability I have to just for documentation sake, for me and my children and theirs if there be any. Who or what was my father, Shamsul Bahari@Nanda Sena s/o Simone Bartholomuze @ Abdul Mutalib Bin Abdullah, who was my Grandfather? and his...? There's my mother and my grandmother and their side of the family equation...who am I, you too will one day ask yourself...I hope you do, and sooner than later.

By "skillful means", the Buddha taught the Middle Way and by skillful means I have to make my delivery of how the 'I'got here after all these years and then some! By the mastery of self over the ego and by seeing the real and the unreal and making choices of letting go, of abandoning of all hope and expectations, surrendering fully to the unutterable supreme state of Being; the Supreme Consciousness; God, Allah, Krishna, Shiva, Buddha, Christ, Yahweh, Elohim, The Tao and so forth...I am developing hernia from sitting too long and eating cold food and so on! 

What is a hernia? A hernia occurs when an internal organ or other body part protrudes through the wall of muscle or tissue that normally contains it. Most hernias occur within the abdominal cavity, between the chest and the hips.27 Sept 2018

The body has its ways and means of drawing my attention to it through more than just tooth aches and chest pains, hence every time one denies being the mind or the body, remember one is liable to get a hernia. It is not what I look forward to dealing with at the moment, however deal with it I have to, it is part of the practice of skillful means and an important one whether one 'is' the body or not. 

"Absolute perfection is in the here and now,

Not in some future, far or near,

The secret is in action, here and now."   ...Nisargadata Maharaj. 

And he said, to avoid taking a spiritual path...it is like letting go of the Divine and the Sacred...the religious crutch the dropping off of all assumptions and concepts, of imagination and meditation. It is like drop all spiritual security blanket and veils of ignorance, stand out in the light of Truth...of Supreme Consciousness...of, of Peace and Tranquility, the abode of non - being, where form and emptiness are relative, where only action prevails from moment to moment, from breath to breath...these words are for my own personal benefit and would make very little sense to others, these are what I am thinking to my self, the I is still here in the now and still attached to the body and mind believe system.

"There is nothing to be done, nothing to give up,

Just look and remember, whatever you perceive is not you,

not yours." ...Sri Nisargadata Maharaj.

This is when I reach out into the Silence Mode, a mental- lockdown, this when I close my eyes and take a long deep breath and obliterate all thoughts from my mind...Silence! I am in between two thoughts, the space that is a pause of silence where a thought is coming into birth while another is dying... fading away. In this silence there is change or shift in the mind where new thoughts arises more positive healing thoughts thoughts that are the fruit of long practices of Love and Compassion for self and others rather than past toxic thoughts that hang around one's neck like a dead Albatross. I seek refuge in the Silence whenever my mind takes on unnecessary warp drives. I have a mind that is overactive and I am in a sense addicted to thinking, imagining, replaying, I have a mind that sees the worse in the worse and the best, my mind is corrupted and it has very little respect for the laws of man or nature; yes I have a very warped mind in all it aspects. I aught to have been lobotomized or sent to the mental home at an early age, but I was lucky not to. 

Letting go is not as easy as getting attached to. In the subconscious  mind there stores of past memories, skeletons in the closets and painful events that have scarred the soul in its infancy and while growing up, it is  a miracle for one to be able to silence the mind once and for all without going insane in the process. I have failed. All these years of trying to unravel the mysteries of life through the understanding of who I am, I have failed in finding anything that has truly any meaning to the answers. I am an intellectual fool trying to untangle the tangle of life itself through thoughts and words. I have to fully embrace 'Silence." I have to seriously take this path to the next level if I am to stay on this 'road to find out', Only through being one with the truth am I going to be able to overcome all doubts and fears manifested by my mind, and the 'Truth shall set you Free." The truth of who or what I am...who am I? #laotzu,#srinisargadatamaharaj,#allah,#krishna,#christ,thesupremeconsciousness,#themiddleway