Title: The Child of the Heart
The Great Hadrat Abd al-Qadir al-Jilani, may Allah protect his secrets, once said:
"Man cannot attain the truth unless he is pure because his worldly attributes will not leave him until the essence is manifested in him. This is true sincerity. His ignorance will only leave him when he receives the knowledge of divine essence. One cannot gain this through education; only the Lord of Truth, without intermediaries, can teach it. When the Lord Most High is Himself the Teacher, He gives one the knowledge from Himself... The man who knows must be aware that the child of the spirit which is born in the heart is the meaning of true humanity; that is the true human being. He should educate the child of the heart, teaching unity, being constantly aware of unity—leaving this world of matter and multiplicity, seeking the spiritual world of mysteries, where there is none other than the Essence of Divine Truth."
When I first embarked upon my journey seeking answers for myself—answers to questions that had been gnawing at my being—I was living in Green Bay, Wisconsin. I worked for three years as a boner or meat cutter in the packing houses of Green Bay and Milwaukee. It was one of the most demanding and, at the same time, dehumanizing jobs I ever undertook. I survived three years, but in doing so, I began to feel like the very cattle whose flesh I was reducing to hamburger.
I lost myself. I ended up divorced, and worse, I lost custody of my son. I gave in to base desires, like a beast stripped of conscience and spirituality. Drunk or stoned after work, womanizing without shame, I had lost all connection to sacredness, to humanity. I was walking the road of the damned—Godless and empty.
My saving grace came in the form of that divorce, and in a neighbor who urged me to abandon the meatpacking industry and go back to school. He saw something in me I couldn’t see in myself at the time, and I took his advice, wounded and seeking some remedy to my suffering. I enrolled at the University of Wisconsin at Green Bay and dove into the academic life. Like a fish returning to water, I thrived.
Though I failed a few classes—simply because I did not like the professors—I still graduated Cum Laude. It was during these transformative years that I began reclaiming my spiritual core, which had lain dormant since leaving Malaysia. I was introduced to spiritual texts and philosophies through my professors and peers. Zen Buddhism resonated deeply within me, even though I was born into Islam. It became a way of life, a method of return.
Art was my chosen medium of expression. When I was accepted into a self-designed degree program—The University Without Walls, offered by the University of Madison—I embarked on a more personal pilgrimage. I traveled far and wide: England and Germany, Colombia and Ecuador, the American Southwest—New Mexico, Arizona, and Colorado—living out of an old Chevy Impala. My final semester led me home to Malaysia, where I attended the Gawai Hantu ceremony with the Ibans of Sarawak.
Books became my companions: J. Krishnamurti and Paramahansa Yogananda, Alan Watts and Ram Dass, G.I. Gurdjieff and Ouspensky, D.T. Suzuki and Trungpa Rinpoche, Carlos Castaneda and so many others. Their teachings inspired me, challenged me, and refined my path. I devoured knowledge and tested every philosophy I could embody.
By the time I graduated, I had gained more than a degree—I had awakened. My true education had begun. Since then, I have maintained an ongoing journal, capturing my thoughts, sketches, visions, and reflections. And this blog is an extension of that sacred effort.
It is my hope that this archive—this trail of experiences—might serve someone, anyone, who is seeking themselves. It is for those whose hearts are ready to awaken, who feel the restlessness of not knowing who or what they truly are. It is for those who, having found knowledge, now wonder what to do with it.
To you, I offer the child of my heart.
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