Letting go of those I had loved and respected in the past.

My eldest son, was laid off from his job along with some 600 others by Emirates Airlines in Dubai, he was a Flight Captain. We have had a parting of ways for a few years now ever since he got married to a British lady and till today i have no idea what the beef is about.  I was told that one day he and I were going to sit and hash it out man to man and so I am not holding my breath about it as loosing a son is not that big a deal anymore to me than loosing my cat. When someone holds such low opinion of you and take you for granted, it is not worth the salt to try and save the relationship just as I have accepted the same to be true in my relationship to my two remaining elder brothers. The eldest one is disappointed in how my life has turned out to be whole my twin brother is scared of me for some odd reason that is yet to be revealed. Just like my eldest son my twin does not think it worthwhile to explain what my faults are and now it is too late cause it has ceased to matter anymore.

At my age i could exit this life at any moment given that I might be suffering from kind of ailment or another that involves pains in my chest, but till the Fat Lady sings the Blues, I will live the rest of my life with less concern and lighter state of being. I used to carry these individuals in my mind like albatrosses hanging around my neck and rotting with vengeance. I was dumb enough to have thought that being converted to Islam I am to preserve the blood relationship or 'SiratulRohim' among us siblings, relatives and friends, but I feel like I have been a sucker all these years and yes a part of me often still does, but today, this morning I will say to them, "F..k you guys if you cannot take a joke." You can judge me all you want it will soon be over when either one of us is thrown into the ground and as for who was right or wrong, keep it to yourselves, it is too late to matter what they anymore. As far as I am concern all of you have given up the right to point your fingers at me anymore. I have never did nor will I envy you in this life and let this be the testimony this morning. 

I am grateful and thankful for all that you have given me in any form as we have grown over the years and I will forever indebted to you but I too have done my part in giving to all three of you, it may not be much but I give what i could afford. I hold no grudge nor blame against anyone and nor do I deny the fact that i was never a nice man r claim to be so. So perhaps we will never ever again be able to sit and iron out our grievances in this lifetime, but know this much that as for me I am absolutely free of my attachment or identification with all three of you, my eldest brother, my twin brother and my eldest son. All three of you who have axes to grind against me throughout my life and who i had loved and respected the most, ironically, I now cut off my psycho-emotional and spiritual ties with you as my final letting go of the crap that I had accumulated being a man in this life. I am and was never a devoted Muslim, but if I am to be punished for having severed this relationship between us, God willing I accept it willingly.

It is now out in the open, the stench of festering wound has been let out from my aching system and I hope to heal my soul from this deep rooted, ancient and twisted karma once and for all. I am letting three skeletons out of my closet, three ghosts from my consciousness and may they stay out for good. I do not say this out of hate or anger anymore but out of love and respect for my own well being if not my sanity. I will not try to justify even if a gun is held to my head, but suffice to say it took me a very long time in coming to this conclusion and closing the chapter between us.