PDC- Has sold the Island. from under our feet!

Vicram Mahalingam with Shamsul Bahari.

50 mins · 

Shamsul Bahari Sir, it was such nice moment spent with u. My children keep asking me even today morning when we are going to meet u. They want the car air cond get repaired again this week. Haha....
I am following your works since the day we met. I am really inspired. Truly authentic. I wish to get my car a/c repaired to meet u as well. Have a nice day. 

This appeared in my Face Book and it is from a friend I just met while hanging around Ah Huat's Auto Air Conditioning workshop doing my sketching while waiting for my car to be fixed. It was a delightful moment for me to spend a little time with his family while they were waiting for their car and I was very impressed at how he treated his to sons' constant questioning about this and that. It was very refreshing to watch the two boys very active and inqusitive and not a single hand phoneor Ipad in sight. So i decided to teach them my favorite children's song called 'Goreng Pisang' or Fried Bananas, I wonder if they still remember the lyrics.

This is life in Penang where you entertain and Indian family while waiting for your car at your Chinese's friend workshop. When you are with the common people like myself and those that walk in and out of my life, you will never get tired of feeling like this Island is special. Not only is she beautiful in the scenic sense but she is also a pot potpourri of mixed races, cultures and religions where if observed with due respect and within reason a very healthy coexistence will prevail enriching the Island's heritage. Sadly enough when one mentions the word heritage in Penang, the UN declaration takes center stage, where Georgetown is accorded, World Heritage City. It is sad because this declaration has robbed the Island off her true beauty and place the preservation of Colonial History as more Important than local cultural heritage.

As there was and perhaps still is money to be made from this accorded status of World Heritage Site, a whole lot of restorations went about in he effort to bring back the memory gone by of our British era of colonialism. As though our forefathers were proud to have been cowed by the British and till this day we are indebted to them. Hence we have whitewashed mausoleums renovated at the cost of millions all over the City to keep us informed of our Heritage while those who had the opportunity to handle the projects walked away laughing to the bank.Most of these buildings today are hardly used and new factions are fighting each other in order to ascertain who has the rights to occupy them. 

Yes, Penang has become a playground for hookers and carpet beggars pandering their wares at the expense of local populace. It is heart wrenching  to see the small fries struggling to keep up with the sharks and the piranha. he Island is slowly but surely being sold off to the highest bidder from overseas, those whose currency are riding high as compared to our shrinking economy. The cries of the mechanics and the coffee shop owners, the fishermen and the bus drivers falls on deaf ears and the reigning politicians plays dumb and innocent when confronted. Like the rest of the country, corruption is a way of life here; money talks and bullshit walks.

They are tearing up the hills all over with impunity these days too, and why not/ What is the use of a forest covered hill if it does not generate income and who is to say what i can do or not with my own property? Wait till you see the beautiful Hotels and high rises I have planned to build, then you will forget the green hills you so much adore today! Ask the CM if you think what is going on is wrong, he will tell you to stop whining and get on with the game plan. If you really have to worry, worry for your children and their children, who knows if the would even be space for them to park their behind if things keeps moving the way it is under the guise of so called 'Development' and an entity called PDC.

  

  

  

smile emoticon

' The Avenger'- Civil War

Saw 'The Avengers 'Civil War' the movie this evening with the kids, Karim, Marissa and their cousin Azwan and sat in the front most row in the theater and why not? It is great to feel like a kid every now and then.  I marveled at how realistic the scenes were especially the fights sequels. I still remember when i saw my first marvel comic sometime in the early sixties while living in Kuala Terengganu. My eldest brother, Razali had subscribed to both the DC and the Marvel comics and they always arrived at the same time at his home. had these comics been preserved till this day he would have a whole lot of originals with many first appearances which included,  the first issues of Spider Man, X-Men, The Incredible Hulk, The Fantastic Four, Aquaman and Dr. Strange to name a few. 
I must consider myself very fortunate if not privileged to have had the such an opportunity, like have known Stan Lee and Jack Kirby way back when and as a natter of fact my artistic talent was galvanized by this exposure to comics. As i sat watching the movies today adapted from these comics almost fifty years later i feel like i have watched the evolution of an art form to its final product. In witnessing this phenomena it also make me realize the power of the collective human creative spirit and what it can accomplish when brought together. It is too bad that these characters and the stories that spins them are catered towards violence even if it does not seem so I suppose this cannot be helped as it is the nature of the characters to 'fight for justice'.
At my age I am fortunate to have been a witness to many historical events that had taken place around the globe and due to my education and interest have been fully aware of their happening. The Vietnam War and the Hippie Movement, The death of J.F. Kennedy and the Lunar Landing, the fall of the Berlin Wall and the End of Soviet Union, The rise of Zionism and ISIS and the  and in my own country, the May 13th. Riot of 1969, the decadence of justice and the proliferation of corruption to date. I must admit that i have lived in some exciting times in the history of mankind and the Planet itself.
As I look back and ponder, I realize that somethings evolves for the better while others for the worse, however each has its role to play in the balance of creation itself. The positive as well as the negative each has its energy one cannot function without the other. As movies evolves into 'Star Wars' and 'Star Trek', human imagination will keep on expanding going outwards to ,'Boldly go when no man has gone before...' and 'may the Force go with you...' While our imagination takes us to distant frontiers of galaxies in space, our mind also takes us deep into our inner space to unravel the mysteries of 'Consciousness' and  'Source of Creation' itself. Not too  many of us are engaged in this venture as it is more of a personal journey, but the journey within is as great a distance as that of the external  to boldly venture into.
One thing that i got having watched the movie is that, how every Tom, Dick and Mary, super heroes or otherwise are out to 'Change the world'. Seems like not many likes it the way it is anymore and just let it be.

Square One-How to Silence the mind.

Despite all the travails that we are being faced with, all the challenges that comes our way for better or worse we still have to trudge along and create our own course towards what we perceive as our goal tobe at the end of the day. Why was i born in the first place? Who puts me here or did I manifest myself into such a reality that i find myself in now or how i evolved into such an entity that is now crawling through this quagmire of what is called life. Do i have a choice to skip out of this game this phenomenon that i find myself in and how/
For years now even as this blogging has testified I have been grappling with the same question and the answer seems to evade my every probe and quest, leaving me with the same routine of living daily having dreams and expectations, loosing hope and surrendering to my egotistical cravings to fill up empty spaces and time. It is still like living in a limbo of not realizing that all is for not as it i all simply an illusion that i have i have manifested as i move along like a sponge absorbing all that I come across and digesting and regurgitating then repeating the process all over again like an earthworm.
However even earthworms has their function in this life and to have evolved from such a state into this human form which in terms of time would take some myriads of life times, has to mean something in the scale of existence. Here again at the expense of repeating myself, i quote the Buddha who is said to have said. "It is in this human form that you can realize 'Liberation from this circle of Life-Death -Rebirth.; don't waste time!" Over time these words soon become mere expressions, an intellectual understanding or spiritual cliche. The mind that has been in control of the whole game is still running in as many directions as it possibly can seeking ways and means to fulfill its sensual gratifications, or egotistical whims and fancies. Here does that leaves the one who truly seeks for answers as to , "Why was i born in the first place?" 
Hence the question remains a question perhaps till my dying day and i will still be groping in the dark wondering why i had been alive in the first place. Then again one of these days i might just wake up and find myself fully liberated already, just waiting to leave this shell that i call a body and move on to higher orders of the universe that is a part of who I am. Thoughts! Words! what do they amount to other than passing phases of trying to justify what i understand and what i am feeling about my own affairs in the scheme of things.Now, Silence , they say is Golden! 
So back to square one, how to silence the mind?
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Challenges, opportunities, vexations, inspirations, and the rest of it will arise and disappear in the course of a lifetime, it is like riding he roller coaster or sailing the vast ocean. To face the challenges and grab the opportunities, to understand the cause of vexations and act upon the inspirations is the choices we make and act upon as we trudge along taking one step at a time. Giving up is not an option, it is in handling our daily choices that we make that eases the burden we feel that we are carrying upon our backs. Every single thing that happens to us comes from the external via our invitation knowingly or otherwise we crate our own scenario that allows for external events to intrude into our consciousness, most of the time without our knowledge or unconsciously. But holding on to the fact that we are the master of our own destiny all these intrusions can be overcome with 'right understanding' and correct actions to turn what is negative into positive; even just by acknowledging their presence.
A good example just happened even as I am writing this. A moment ago just browsing my face Book account, I lost it while watching a video of some Arab forum or whatever. I am now asked to renew my account because of some 'maleware; issue whatever that is. After years of using the same name and address wiht no problem now i have to make choices... like 'New Password', confirm my mobile number, blah blah blah.So much for Fb as far as I am concern it is history. But such is, I have been sucked into this FB crap and got addicted to it just like billions around the world. NO doubt it has its good side and like everything else in this life it has more ugly sides than good and yet it is a necessary tool if one is sucked into craving for information or so we believe.
In this day and age of instant knowledge we are bombarded with anything and everything we wish to know under the sun, 'the good,the bad and the ugly and anyone who knows how to serf the Internet, is served. It again boils down to choices on how or what is 
 being served and what is being consumed. Most young adult today has to endure the rigorous act of choice making that they are exposed to on the Internet and most have succumbed to its negative exposure and are trapped into a mindless state of absorption that has no limit to what is being taken into their mental state and how the mind reacts to it. From the most gruesome event happening on the street to the most raunchy episodes downloaded by porn groups teenager from the outermost rural areas of the countryside to the heart of the largest cities young adults are being fed daily by images that their parents have no idea whatsoever not too long ago. Choices are thrown out of the window and the mind is fully exposed to elements that even the mind is not capable of handling in some cases.
This is the scenario pretty much that is going on around the globe and it a way it is worse than the AIDS epidemic. There is little that can be done to control such massive exposure of he young human minds to such perverse images, but only through education and proper monitoring by parents; who has the time. Choices have to be made and they are not easy what with the rat race live we are living and this entry itself is like a broken record. self repeating message that is becoming redundant and in time obsolete. hence we make the choices and we live with the consequences, good or bad is a matter of the mind of the beholder.

Crappy day Blues.

It has been a scorcher for the past few months in Malaysia and the dams are running too low for comfort. Scattered rain showers but not enough to make a dent in the need for water that will soon be running out even for drinking. More and more cold blooded creatures like snakes and crocodiles are found in places that they would normally avoid like apartment complex and parking lots; perhaps looking for water or a cool spot. Tempers are flaring up left and right on the highways and barbershops and its is all accredited to the El Nino factor; whatever that is. All I can say is the globe is warming and it is getting hotter by the day. 
I have a very hard time getting my temper in check too as every attempt i have made towards getting something done is being hampered by walls beyond my perception and control. I am falling asleep, slowly drifting into the never never land of the walking dead where everyone moves around like Zombies and i find myself swimming up river with every attempt i make at getting something creative or positive done. Trying too hard to manufacture stuff out of the blue? or maybe still trying hard to justify my existence. Whatever it is it is not good. Maybe it is the weather, maybe it is just a passing phase or maybe it is just me, I'm just passing through some dark tunnels where there seem to be no light at the end. But i have been through this crap time and again and there is always something there to be dealt with. And this is called life and my mother told me that there'd be days like this.
So what do i opt to do? i write it all down as it is till there is no more to write about and this too will pass. Boredom is an illness that affects the rusty mind and a rusty mind will start to wander and create itself a nuisance getting attached to crap off the internet. or it will become a part of the ongoing nonsensical conversation happening around it. Worse still it will get all uptight and get involved in a fight over who came first into the barber shop. This is how the day has been and it is really not worth reading about but if you too have the same crappy day, hey, why not? The least i could d is to make an entry into my Blog for the day. After all this too is a past of knowing who I am; especially this! 

The End.- of Death.

Am I obsessed with the thought of 'Death' now that i am included among those that will be facing the experience in the not too distant future. Yes and no. Yes i am and should be as it is the one time one shot experience of all experiences and no, I am not obsessed as it is a very crucial part of my investigation in life of; my self- discovery. Simplistic as it may be this, this life long journey has opened my eyes if not my consciousness into many eventful experiences relatively connected to the issue of 'Death and Dying. Over the years i have witnessed and have been apart of the process in burying my family and friends who had passed away, young and old, due to various causes. There were those who died painfully for a long period of time, like my Brother, Gina, who died of Kidney failure and my brother-in-law Syed who died of throat cancer. Then there were my two nephews who died of motorcycle accidents and one who died of rat-piss poisoning in a matter of three days and the last one i was at the funeral was my nephew who was a drug addict for most of his life. In all I tried to understand whatever there was to understand when death occurs. The psycho emotional effects upon those left behind and the process of burial itself.
Perhaps there is nothing to learn as it is all a part and parcel of being alive as everything the lives will soon die one way or another and sooner or later. As it is, I still maintain that for me to understand death I have have to live life to the very best of my knowledge and ability. I have to taste every ups and downs and wade through the quagmire that lay before me and I have to feel most of all the heartbeat that pervades throughout every living thing in this Universe; I have to feel the Eternal within me. The deathless resides within me and it is this that is making the observations and the conclusions, it is this that is seeking to find the Truth about the Nature of Death without Fear; "Inallilahi Wa'innallilahi Rajiun." From Him I came, to Him I am returned..   

The deathless.

John 4:24 

God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.”

Giving God a form even as an idea that 'God is spirit', is misleading as God has no form whatsoever at least not as in the image that the human mind is capable of conjuring at least it is best no to place Him in any form whatsoever; spirit or otherwise. God Is and there is none but He. All the rest of i is merely Illusions, Maya, self created or mind created phantasms to support is very own existence. The 'Self' in its downward spiral from its original Divine nature or Buddha nature devolves into its egotistic nature, as in Islam it is called nafs. This lower nature as it is sometimes identified as is what must die before the actual death of the spirit can take place.

The death of the ego is the long process of what i call the journey of 'self discovery', the way towards finding out the truth about who I am and who I am in relation to the Whole to God. How do I give up my ego or my nafs without creating more delusions as i plummet down towards the depth of ignorance and forever trapped in the web of this cycle of life death and rebirth. How do i escape from the grasping of Maya and falsehood of mental formations. As in Islam, I would ask, how do i tear myself through these veils that has been shrouding me from seeing the truth of what this life is all about. 

"The Bible compares death to sleep more than fifty times. After death we are asleep, we are unconscious; we are not aware of the passing of time or of what is going on around us. That is what death is like as well. The Bible says, “for the living know that they will die; but the dead know nothing… their love, their hatred, and their envy have now perished” (Ecclesiastes 9:5, NKJV, see also Psalm 146:4; 115:17). 

When we have been able to say, I, am no more, we have detached ourselves from all our attachments to our preconceived ideas and conditioned living as an entity called man. We are able to shed our veils and free our spirit from the shackles of ignorance and slothfulness by being awakened through developing our conscious awareness of our true nature, that which was before our parents even conceived us to be so. It is said in the Holy Scriptures of the People of the Book that, every soul prior to being conceived had made a covenant with the Creator in acknowledging that there is only God and none but He, in Truth. In understanding the significance of this itself is the answers to what 'a free spirit' means and who we truly are. A free spirit is unbounded by self propagated ideas and beliefs and it is free from egocentric delusions that has infested those who has slipped far from their original (Buddha) Nature, their Atman, their Ruh ul Kudus; that which is imperishable, deathless. 

No- Dual Thinking Mind

The closest i can come to as an answer when trying to deal with death is to live life to the fullest and understand every aspect of living within and without, one's self. This what it means to know who you are, to be fully cognizant of your origin and what you are inherently made up of. Scientifically, spiritually, mentally physically; who Am I? Who is asking? Who is making all these observations? Who is making al these errors? The journey towards self realization is not merely a philosophical idea, or a religious doctrine, it is your own personal investigation towards finding your higher and true self; that which is 'Deathless.'
Not because it is written or or prophesied, nor because some great friend or Guru told you so, not because an Imam shouted it out from the pulpit, nor because your mind has come to its own conclusion; it must be from your heart of hearts that felt it so. The one facing death will ultimately be only you and only you can overcome the fear of death itself. When you have come to a complete self realization of who or what you are in relation to the 'Whole' or the 'One', you will know that you are nothing but the source itself, that you belong to the source; that which you originate from. "I, Am No More!" I never was and will never be I am merely a manifestation of the 'Whole', the Universe, God, or call it what you may- even 'The Force.' But when your time is up or when your journey ends as this human form, when your physical self is separated from your 'consciousness', as a being, you are empty of your own self, you are perhaps 'absolute consciousness' itself'. You become One with or merged into the Absolute.
Hence the cessation  'Dual thinking Mind', the conditioned mind that sees itself as an entity of its own that is separated from the rest of existence itself; the Whole.

• Advaya, the nonduality of conventional and ultimate truth in Madhyamaka Buddhism, or nonduality of relative and Absolute reality in Chinese Buddhism. In Buddhist Madhyamaka it means that there is no absolute, transcendent reality beyond our everyday reality, and while things exist, they are ultimately "empty" of any existence on their own.^[5][6] In Chinese Mahayana it means that there is no absolute difference between the relative world and "absolute" reality. In Yogacara, it refers to the idea of nondualism of cognition and that which is cognited.- Wikipedia.

  
  " There is an ayat in Quran that says words to the effect that a mirage is seen in the desert, and you see a water and are thirsty, you go toward it and then you find nothing, and then it says There you find Allah. If we understand that Being is like a mirage of Maya, Mara, Dukkha, and Dunya, then what we find is where there is nothing, i.e. the Mirage is empty. Then it is precisely where we recognize the emptiness of Illusion that we find Allah." 'QUORA -Kent Palmer.

In short and simplistic way of saying it, I cannot worship God, that would make two of us, the me and God, this is shirik in Islam, when there are two. I have to seize to be and there is only God in existence. The i have become non=existent, "I, Am no more!"  Not only is my physical body dead but so is my soul and all that is - being me. It is said that if one dies as a Muslim with the profess that 'There is no God. only Allah as one's final words,' one is assured of heaven in the afterlife. This is what Muslims in general hold on to as their faith in Allah but the Sufis in Islam have a different view and theirs are more in the non-dualistic way approaching the religion worth understing.

to be cont. 

The right Way to Die?

To continue my train of thoughts from my previous entry about being able to die fully conscious and in control of one's faculties would be a miracle and defies all logic. Fear is the key factor and to be able to overcome alone does not mean that one is there or one has attained liberation from the cycles of life, death and rebirth. There numerous other factors to take into consideration, like what if you die in the hospital with all kinds of tubes sticking into you pumping all kinds of different drugs to keep you from howling in pain? Your mind has been drugged and being under sedation there is little of you left to even think of what death means or what lies beyond. What if you die being shot in the street or run over by a speeding truck? No time to think there either, so you just are gone, separated from your physical self and where you end up as a result is still a question no one has the full answer to except what is written in the scriptures, the Quran or the Bible or the various other Holy scriptures like the Vedas and the Tibetan Book of he Dead. Your choice of read. 
Or you have faith in what you are told or taught by your elders, those who hold knowledge of the spiritual nature in your culture, like the Shaman and the Medicine man. In societies where the organized religions have found its way into, death is a great mystery governed by fear and out of this fear is the respect for life; we call it superstitions. Those who live in the forest or far off places not touched by the so called modern civilization including its religious schools and psychological and analytical thoughts are very close to the death experience as their lives are a constant challenge of trying to stay one step ahead from it, day and night, from moment to moment; death comes with no explanation. 
Among my Chinese friends I find death as a taboo subject to chat about, just simply don't think about it, (too much). Among my Muslim friends and relatives, the older one gets ad as death approaches one's doorsteps, the more pious one becomes.
There is no way of Figuring out what is the right approach when it comes to the subject of death. 

    

Only He knows The truth.

"A day of no work is a day without food," an old saying too old to remember who said it but always stays fresh in my mind. Bottom line is, you do not deserve to be where you are if you have not done your share of sustaining the universe. Too far too deep perhaps for this early in the morning; 1;30 am. Outside of my gate, by the roadside a lonely man is going through the garbage bin looking for recycle-able items to earn his next meal perhaps. Offered him one Malaysian Ringgit, all the small change I have in my pocket and he ask if there is any leftover chicken that he can feed his cats, this being a restaurant. I told him none as most have been thrown away when they do the cleaning.He is a skinny old man my age but looks like time worn out and claims to be from around here, rides an old bicycle. Such Is.
Who and how is our fate decided for us? One being born the son of a minister and the other a by product of a drug addict/ One being born to become a triathlon while the other strapped to the bed with tubes sticking into every orifices in the body. Who planned the big picture that has decided for us to be who we are. This is an age old question that saints ans sages have grappled with, philosophers and thinkers have tried to untangle but none have been able to serve us with a digestible answer other than God, The Creator, Allah (SWT).I accept the fact that I was created or placed upon this earth by some higher Being beyond description Omnipotent, Omnipresent and I am nothing more than a speck of dirt on the foot of a cow in comparison. But I am a mindless speck of dirt like the cow, i am capable of discerning my state of affairs and my position as a human being even if this state in time is merely a speck on the scale of eternity. 
The question still hammers in my mind mind for and answer, who Am I and why am I here? There is not a day that passes that I had not stop to ponder this issue just like I am doing right this moment. I keep reminding myself that if i have to think, i wish to think on a grand scale, not if Russia's Putin has an account number in the Panama Leaks or if Syrians would ever find sanity in the aftermath of the what the county is going through. I wish to understand why God created me and the rest of the Universe the way it is. it is easy to take 'God works in mysterious ways' for an answer and go about pretending that life is all about Love and Compassion and that it will all come to an end when The Lord decides to close His Book on Life.
Throughout the history of mankind in my humble opinion only the Buddha came close to untangling the tangle. Gautama Buddha pursued the issue to the very end and is said to have attained liberation from this cycle of Life-Death and Rebirth. Yet I wonder if The Creator approves of His Way. Other than transmigration or Karmic evolution in the form of reincarnation, the Buddha does not talk much about death or the hereafter like the Muslims and the Christians, nor did He of God. You do good in this life, your next life will get better, you don't you keep coming back and evolve until you are fully awakened from this so called life. You self heaven or hell as you move along evolving from one state to another. Islam and the rest of the religions of the Book does not concur with this Way of looking at life, it is Heaven or Hell depending on if God is pleased or pissed with you and there is only this life for you to work with. 
According to Islam  when the last person walks three steps away from your grave the angels will ask you questions of your faith, who do you worship and so forth. It is hard to imagine the state of mind I would be in depending on how i died and buried that i can answer these questions spontaneously, but this is what having absolute faith is, that it is possible. That your faith will outweigh your fears and your clarity of mind will be present when this and questioning happens. Hence it all depends on your state of mind and your faith in your belief; not in what you think you should believe. Back to the conditioned mind, the dual thinking mind the mind that is trapped ni the worldly illusions; Maya.Religious faith does not encourage logical thinking, if it does than to die fully conscious would make better sense but fear aside can a man die and be buried fully conscious of what is happening to him?; Impossible?
Perhaps this is why Islam requires the faithful to pray five times a day among other numerous practices such as Zikr and observing the special rites during the fasting month. It is in a way to keep reminding the mind or Allah and His Infinite Mercy especially in the hour of death. The merits earned by one's devotion is the saving factor that will see you through through the journey in the afterlife. It is like training the mind to stay focus on the remembrance of The Lord no matter what happens.Not allowing the mind to take or loose control through fear and confusion of one's self in the face of death. This is total submission to the Will of Allah, not an iota of doubt must come in between you and the faith you have in Him.
Thus from Him i come to Him I return. He is Al-Hak, the One Who owns; all belongs to Him.
 Only He knows The Truth.  

Stop breathing and you are dead.

After having written so much for so long I feel like I am repeating my stories, like a broken record, like a needle stuck in a groove or a train on a railroad track; I am always regurgitating. Have i not told this already? Like the song says, "Like a circle in a spiral...like wheel within a wheel, Like a snowball on a mountain, never ending nor beginning, like an ever spinning wheel..." cannot remember the title but a song by Jose Feliciano that I used to sing when I was a teenager. But its okay, i am spinning on my own dime and not to anyone else's woven web. What else is there to do but to write my thoughts out for the evening.
The reason I have spun such a long yarn about myself over the years is not simply to puke out my feelings thoughts and imaginations but to also help me keep track of how many times i keep being this same state of mind and how long i would dwell on it and how i move on from it.,,singing, and this too will pass. Soon enough one starts to realize that life is a circle in a spiral, an ever spinning wheel... and there is little that can be done but to observe it with consciousness, not judging or attachment, no likes or dislikes, just being in the moment; from moment to moment. At this age in life had i not understood this, what is the sense in all my of my journey of so called 'self' discovery? Even if i see it for just one moment in time it is worth all the moments in my life long experience.
There is no observer or the observed, a moment ago then i had to make this entry and the moment is gone but the feeling lingers on making it possible for me to make the moment lost worthwhile at the end of the evening, I am sharing it with you. Where are you at, at this moment? Are you aware of your breathing? Are you trying to make sense of what I am saying? If you are, take a slow deep breath and feel what i am feeling, be with me for the moment in time. Touch that which you truly are and become consciousness itself, the Universe in breathing with you, within and without you. Do you feel it? This is the center that you seek, so be with it. Your breath is a circle, a circle within a circle, never ending nor beginning... stop breathing and you are dead.
So, I 'm running in a circle, a Karmic cycle of life, death and rebirth and i am doing it consciously, not all the time, but getting close to most of the time. The second greatest thing God created was woman; the first was life itself. A life that is not well lived is as good as living as a mindless zombie or the un-dead. To live life and not attain self realization is like is a waste of a life time. When you next look in a mirror, ask yourself with big smile, "Who Am I?" "How far or how near ,am I, in being in this state of being, Who I am?, or does it matter, I still got to go to work and take the kids to work and do the laundry. Such Is; Life. Like a swinging door. you breath in, it swings in, you breath out it swings, stop breathing and you are dead. 

Eat, Sleep, Shit- sit and watch the grass grow.

My body, my mind my spirit, my soul and who am I? As i get older conversations carried out around me more than often hits the health department where Diabetes and high blood pressure being the main topic of interest. i try to avoid being sucked into the details of someone else's blood or sugar counts and don't really know what mine is like but i am contented to keep an open awareness of my physical self in accordance with my mental as well as spiritual self. If I can maintain a good working balance on all this, I feel i am perfectly healthy; the minor aches and pains are just worn out parts from years of use and abuse. 
I love myself, my body, mind and spirit or whatever have you that spells, Me. I am not perfect, far from it I have made numerous errors in life that by right i should not be allowed to keep on living. There should be a law against people like me for just being who I am, or who I think i am. My mental and health clinical track records are not that impressive but i might say above average seeing that i have put myself through the grind over the years of my adult existence; been there, done that more than the average John Doe. Originally creeping out of the mud-hole in a  mangrove swamp to flying Emirates Air Business Class from Malaysia to Rome via Dubai at the cost of next to nothing, i have been places and proud to say so now. On looking back I should be proud of my long and winding road towards being who I am or should i say becoming who i am. If my son had not revoked the privilege, i could be flying First Class on Emirates Air, but that is another story.  
I told my daughter while having dinner at McDonald's yesterday that i had envisioned how my children would look like when i was a teenager and believe that the mind is powerful enough to create its own image of what it wants with proper instructions to do so. I am positive that this has happened at least in the physical sense, if not mental. never overlook the power of suggestion in the workings of the mind, I told her. If the mind is trained to think creatively, nothing can stand in its way except a negative thought. Human consciousness is the frontier that is least understood and its potential is not fully utilized by most of us. It is still considered under the topic of mumbo- jumbo where most people are concern. The power that is inherent within our consciousness is beyond our ability to comprehend unless it is being put under the microscope of intense scrutiny and allowed to manifest with patience and guidance. For anything to manifest through our consciousness will take time ad it has to run through the process of restructuring our preconditioned mental states; our conditioned belief system.
Once I have suggested to my mind an idea or a thought process consciously, i set in motion a whole gamut of restructuring of my mental state from the molecules of atoms to the brain cells, the physical body to the external environment and this process is often subjected to being side tracked or hijacked by other thought processes imposed upon me by the external circumstances. Of these , I have to apply my consciousness in making sure that i remain on track even subconsciously; falling unconscious is detrimental to the process. 
Hence we meditate, some of us, keeping our mind focus and not led astray by external circumstances or mental distractions. Others take up cycling, or jogging or cooking; whatever it may be our daily activity keeps us from being dispersed to the winds of change like helpless children. It is when we loose sight of who we truly are that we become just another nonentity like another brick in the wall. Which is perfectly fine as most of us are happy just the way we are, no questions asked and no answers needed. Eat, Sleep, Shit and sit and watch the grass grow.   

Why Worry?

It has been awhile now that I have sat to seriously reminisce my life thus far and there is no special reason for it other than the fact there is little to reminisce about. Whatever there is of life there is really little to be excited about as the global as well as local situation keeps spiraling downwards towards its own demise or so it seems. Try as I may to trump up a more cheerful image of life i still find myself sinking like in a quicksand with little to cling on to. So, for those who have been following this Blog expecting to find some pearls of wisdom, i offer my apologies and let us hope that there will be a silver lining at the end of this dark tunnel we are all going through. 
We are living in dark times and i hope that we are fully awaken to this fact and not go on living in denial and make believe that all is okay and that tomorrow the sun will rise and the rain will fall. For one thing the rain is not falling, well at least not in my neck of the woods and we are running out of water as most of the dams are dried up.It is in a way a good wake up call for all the various government departments responsible for the sources and water supplies the country depends on. There is a Malay saying,"Siap payung sebelum hujan'" or ready the umbrella before it rains. Malaysians are known for allot of sayings but we are also known for a whole lot of nothing doing. As it is there is still a great deal of foot dragging getting the country set to face the inevitable except perhaps some prayers being performed in mosques and temples to ask for rain from God. Perhaps we might even a native American rain dancer or two to help with the cause.
With the latest revelation by the Panama Leaks, corruption is ever on the rise from top to bottom in just about every corner of the planet where you find humans. Even as the prime Minister of Iceland is being made to resign his post there many others who shamelessly cling to their power despite the fact that they have been proven of similar guilt, exploiting and manipulating the masses with their money not their own but the people's. my country is in the forefront of this gamut. Malaysia is headed for a big splash and it is not going to be water but against a hard rock and when it does happen as it is bound to, heavens have mercy on us all. The Vision 2020 that has been our target of achieving economic stability and developed nation status will become a nightmare that all of us rich and poor alike are dreading deep in our hearts but too scared to admit openly. We are best when living in denial. It is not happening in my backyard, so why worry?

      

The heat is Killing Me!

I have been busy working on my Malay version of My Auto biography so much so the i have been neglecting to write my Blog entry. It is good to ee that there is still those out there following my ramblings of the past 10 years or so. Not much to talk of that would be enlightening or inspiring except that I am going around in the same old ground of trying hard but not making it to the finals. Story of my life, an unfinished story. 
Living day to day and watching the world go by wishing and hoping for some change in the tune but still am stuck in the same old rut with a whole lot of work but not a thing to show for.I started working on my 100 feet long painting of Georgetown, fine touching more defining of the existing images and am beginning to enjoy it. My eyes are not what they used to be and find myself staring closer  to the papaer when I draw, but it has been worthwhile after all these years, my eyes have served me well and if they decide to become less effecting what can i say, old age is setting in? My friend the mechanic, Ah Huat insist that he takes me to the eye specialist, bless his heart. my son Nazri was the last one to have my eyes looked at while I was visiting him in Dubai a few years back. Sadly enough he is now unavailable thanks to his wife.
So twin came for a visit and he was complaining of the same problem with his eyesight and is going to visit this specialist and that to get them fixed. I sat and listened wishing that he would turn around and ask his brother if he has the same problem. But, no way not him, 
it has been so hot here with no rain in sight for the past few months and my two children and I have only one fan left spinning and so we all three of us sleep in the same small room. Two of us sleep on the flor while one on the small bed. Need i go on? I should stop sharing this ramblings as it has become too boring for me to write and for sure for those who have been following my Blog to read. So if the number of reader drops to 10 i would be contented. This is the reality of what life is all about, some days you fall falt while others you are at the top of the world. Even if they do not make much difference, it would still  be great to have an air conditioning unit installed; the heat is killing me! .

What if? Who Cares! About water.

I have to mention of the heat wave hat is hitting the region making it one of he worse i yet seen in my lifetime. It really has not arrived at the critical stage as yet but already the rice fields are turning into dry lands barren with cracked earth surface. The weather is taking its toll slowly but surely and although it has not really woken up the general population to the reality of a serious drought as yet, the general population is beginning to slowly show signs of irritation of not being able to wash their cars without feeling guilty. Mosques have not done any special prayers for rain like they usually do in the past which means the religious ones are not too concern with whole situation either; we can still wash five times a day for prayers.
Dams all over the country are beginning to show very low water levels, but the government is not too and insist that we have ample supply to last us a few more months yet; don' worry, shit has not hit the fan yet. This country has more than its share of rainfall year round but where the water goes only God knows. We will mitigate flood victims every time it rains more than usual bu we will not take proactive precautions towards water conservation whenever there is ample amount of excessive water to conserve. We simply take for granted in thinking that we will never run out of water supply, not in this country.
Water is the key to life, salt or fresh, it keeps this planet filled with natural life. Yet so little concern is being given towards its conservation management and what is worse is that water catchment areas are being eroded wantonly where logging and deforestation are being carried out  Like a virus that is bound upon self annihilation, we Malaysians are guilty of living in denial more so that most other countries in the world. It is not that we are too dumb nd stupid o realize our excessive follies towards nature, but we are too greedy in most cases and assume a great many things to not happen even if it is happening right before our very eyes. What if the drought id here to stay for a longer period in time, what if we really run out of water supple? What if? 
Who cares?!

The Wake up Call - my Dream.

I woke up from my dream this morning crying loud enough to wake up my daughter who tried to comfort me wondering what was going on. The dream was a continuation of events that involved her earlier where we had a misunderstanding and I put my foot down in our deteriorating relationship. i let out a few harsh words like who is the father and who the daughter, yada...yada. I fell asleep after hours of struggling to do so and as soon as i fell asleep i dreamt i was with her in some surrealistic landscape where there were lots of younger people at concerts and and some other events that i could not describe but felt more like. At one point as i was walking through an entrance of some sort someone was pushing me from behind ad as i turned around to accost the person i discovered a huge fist was aimed at my face and it belonged to a young Chinese man who had muscles like the Incredible Hulk. I looked at him and said, " I am 67 years old, you fee like hitting me?"or something to that effect and the episode evaporated. I kept walking in my mind i was searching for my daughter whom i had lost contact along the way. A young Indian man told me that the man who wanted to hit me was attacked with a knife a while back, I walked on not seeing any connection in my dream. The i came to a more open area where there were less people and looked like they were headed out of the place. The landscape was strange like i had never seen before, barely any trees and as i walked on lost, suddenly i was hit by a sense of loneliness and despair of the most intense nature and this was even accompanied by a very sad and melancholy background music that i was creating out of my head. I broke down as the feeling of sadness enveloped me and woke up still crying like I had never done in a very long time in my adult life.
The rest of the morning I felt my whole body zapped out of energy and barely could move but I decided to fight the feeling by going to a nearby coffee shop and buying some 'roti canai' and nasi lemak and distributed to all those who had come to work at the restaurant. Their thank yous and smiling faces helped to cheer me up. I decided to not give in to the negative impact of the dream and instead stayed focused on going about doing what i had planned to do, like coming to the Museum and writing my Blog and my Malay version of my autobiography which i had been working on.I cannot say what my dream was telling me but i have a rough idea on why i had such a weird yet powerful dream.
I am getting old! My worries over my two two children has caught up with me on a deeper level and my loneliness of having lived a single life for the past few years since my wife died has also exerted its impact on my subconscious mind and all i have to do is more or less is to be aware of this and work towards finding a remedy to these events in my life but let it not affect me in the negative way that would lead to greater depression. Thus this writing and the other things i have been working on comes in handy.
My mind has been working overtime and i have allowed many events in my life to dominate my thoughts to the extent that i feel helpless and defeated. One of the wake up call the i read from this episode is that i have to learn to let go things that are beyond my control and concern. i have to trust in matters to take on their own course whether it be with my children or my relatives and friends. I have to learn to accept my own destiny as i have laid out the path towards my own personal goals, i have to stay on track like it or not and pursue my course of actions till the very end of my story. This dream was just another wake up call for me to become aware of the deeper levels of my psyche as the mind is pushed to the limits of its existence with challenges the is taking place in me physically, mentally and emotionally. I have to SIT! I have to observe with 'Bare Attention'.   
  

Falling Asleep on the Road.

Now that I have regurgitated pretty much what i had to in order to breath better, it is time to look to the brighter side of life and ponder what can be done to make the leap forward from this doldrums that i am stuck in. basically  the pain in my back is what is causing all the negative output of energy and it has been almost two weeks now that i am aching sometimes to the point of crying out in pain. I have no real complain with regard to my emotional state as i have been attempting to write my autobiography in Bahasa Malaysia and has so far manged over 200 pages in length with pictures. So i have been productive more than I claim to be.  
"You are too hard on yourself," my friend Jim Abrams at Green Gulch Zen center used to say. perhaps i am, perhaps i fail to appreciate the fact that i can write over 1500 entries in his Blog about things in my life where most others find it difficult to set a Blog up to begin with. Perhaps i failed to appreciate the fact that i have raised two of my children into adults since my wife passed away and they have turned out to be great kids. Perhaps i do not appreciate enough the fact that i have friends who would go out of the way to help me heal my body and provide me with all kinds of financial as well as moral support no matter how small it may seem.  perhaps i am still in the mode of self flagellation and blind to the fact that all I need to do is be thankful for all that i have been able to accomplish throughout my life which most people would only dream of. Perhaps...
Alhamdulliah! Thank you Lord, how i forget time and again for all that has been given tome thus far in my life. I could have been chosen to play the role of a refugee floating around in the Mediterranean somewhere or stranded in between Greece and Macedonia. But no! I have been given all the perks of life and then some to play around with and now that i am approaching the end and my body has a little breakdown from wear and tear, i am already crying foul at my Maker!  Nah! Wake up! Before it is over 
for good and the Fat lady has sung the Blues! Still time to wake up and stay focus on what Is the permanent and unending, what is the original and authentic and discard what is Maya.

I keep trying to read the translation of the Quran and still finds it too much negativity, too much talk of hell and punishment for the likes of me. I keep trying to pray five times a day and i cannot fullfill the obligation without feeling like a hypocrite. So where do i stand with my Lord? I am fucked where the afterlife is concern as thought i am not already in this life. I am in pain, physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain and finds it hard to not get lost in despair as had happened before time and again in my past. 

I had not wanted to make anymore entries into my blog as I really have no more nice thins to talk of, no more inspirations to share with, but oonly moans and groans, ramblings of a sick and tired mind that has been run through the grind of this so called life. But seeing that i had made a commitment towards this voluntary record keeping of my ongoing life and having accumulated readers from many parts of the world for better or worse i feel obligated to be true to my cause. My experiment with life will go on and it will be recorded and hopefully before I die I will be able to write my conclusion. As it is suffice to say that i am a man who have 'squandered all my resistance for a pocket full of marbles.' I have nothing to brag of in terms of properties, no home not even a rented room for me and my two children. I have a car but it actually belongs to my mechanic friend who out of his kindness had allowed me to use it. I am practically unemployed and thus no income to actually fall back on and I am getting old with a body slowly giving way to wear and tear. In short, i am fucked!

I should be ashamed of myself and yes i am, come to think of it. Why or how had i allowed myself to come to this pathetic state in my life? I am ashamed to my two children who deserves much better than i am able to give them; I have failed my promise to their late mother. So, where did i go wrong? Was i ever right? Have i bungled myself so bad that my two remaining brothers are even  scared to set eyes on me much less ask how i am doing? Is this what happens when i cannot bow five time a day before God or has God really have anything to do with it?

I know i blew it all myself as time and again i have been given ample opportunity to make good my life but i have failed to grasp the chances and let things slide for one odd reason or another. No sense in looking back is there, most of it is all written here in this lengthy Blogging anyway. I have skipped a whole lot of failures which had been grave stumbling blocks in my path and it is only because these are too sensitive and will prove of no consequence to better help those who read understand any better my faults where it involves the lives of others intimately. I will carry the crucifix on my back to the grave where these are concern and at my age it is too late to regret not that it would do any good anyway.

I have tried to be as truthful and honest as i possibly could throughout writing this Blog and not all that I have written are the whole truth, as the whole truth would hurt others and their reputation as well as mine would be at stake. On matters that involves others in term of fairness and so forth I would keep the cans unopened and leave the worms inside. Perhaps these worms will crawl out in the grave when the cans are rusted and can contain them no more. 

To be Contd.

Retrospect - From Journal- 1983..- Making Footprints in the Snow

---

Making Footprints in the Snow

(10 March 2016 | Originally penned: 1 November 1983 – Green Bay, Wisconsin)

To make the next footprint in the snow,
One has to act.
To become in motion.
To act selflessly, with no concern for self-esteem.
Spontaneous in effect.
Free, flowing, fluid, and gentle—
Without thought and without awareness.

Like a small brook making its quiet way to the ocean—
That is Life.
Effortlessly... effortlessly... effortlessly.
Just like the rising and falling
Of one’s own breath.

---

“What do you think of the Nuclear War Syndrome, Master?”
I asked him.

“The refrigerator has an efficient thermostat,
in order to function.”

“Are you suggesting, Sir,
that the Nuclear War Syndrome is some kind of thermostat
in human evolution?”

“Just like the Ice Age came and went...
Just like Attila the Hun, and Adolf Hitler...
Every human era is marked by one catastrophe or another.”

“So, how do we stop this vicious repetition of history?”

“Breathe!
Take in a deep, fresh gulp of air.
And tell me—do you really want to end all this?
This... your Universe?
Drink a cold cranberry or apple juice—
and tell me the world should cease.
Touch your wives and daughters, kiss your sons,
and tell me this must all come to an end.
Breathe, for goodness’ sake—Breathe!”

“Wouldn’t we all perish if the holocaust happened?”

“When the one perishes, does not the All go too?
Why the fear? Why the sorrow?
Is this not what was meant to be seen?
Or do you imagine someone else is writing this script?”

“The Creator creates.
The Destroyer destroys.
A rose, fragrant and full, must one day wilt and fade.
So too has humanity grown decadent.
We worship the Ego.
And as long as the Ego is enthroned,
Duality will exist.
And where duality persists,
There will always be the shadow of self-destruction.”

“To make a new footprint in the snow...
One must act.”

“But I am only human. I fear for myself and for my loved ones.”

“Bondage and freedom hold no claim on you.
Unity and separation do not define you.
Reason and argument do not limit you.
None of these truly bind you.
So why bewail your lot?”

“The Supreme Self is untouched by birth or death,
Unconcerned with sin or blessing.
Why then should you grieve?”

“The scriptures say:
Heaven and earth are but forms and names,
Like a mirage.
The Self is present everywhere, in all things.
Why should you sorrow?”

 

Seek peace within.
Understand suffering, as you understand pleasure—
One is the other, only from opposite ends.
One man’s fame is another’s misfortune.

The answer is not in the galaxies,
But deep within your own chest—
At the center.
The point of origination.
The beginning of things.
The essence of Being.
The breath of Love and Compassion,
For the Universe you have helped shape.

If war must be won,
A few battles must be lost.
Surrender a little of yourself,
And you will begin to see what you have created.

If mankind would stop talking,
And instead act—
Selflessly, thoughtlessly, without hesitation—
Perhaps peace would come,
And the universe could fall silent for a time.

And maybe then,
We’d start all over again, somewhere else.

---

“But what about Reality?
The Russians? The Americans?
Beirut, Nicaragua, Granada?
What about the possibility that someone might
Push the panic button
And set off a chain reaction that would… obliterate Me?”

“When hungry, eat.
When sleepy, sleep.
Or just sit and watch the grass grow.”

OMMMM…

P/S: The day you can bring back to life a single blade of grass,
then, and only then, we will discuss Reality.

—

#MakingFootprintsInTheSnow #NuclearWarSyndrome #SpiritualDialogues #Selflessness #SilenceAndAction #TaoOfLife #BreathOfBeing #EndOfEgo #StartWithin #GreenBayReflections

Looking back in time...

"All dependency on other than one's self is pain, 
Whatever is controlled by one's self is pleasure;
Know this to be briefly, The definition of pain and pleasure." 
From; "The Law Book of Manu."

As Falls First Invites Winter,
 bids farewell to end of summer,
All seasons comes to an end.
As the silence in between two heart beats,
is the thundering bells toll,
All life ceases to be.
Running streams and roosters,
calling signals, the coming of tomorrow,
And spring is the beginning
So summer must end,
As sounds of yesteryear,
Echos through the chambers on my consciousness,,
I behold my master, in solitary sits.
His eyes piercing ,
Through the void of darkness,
Into the distant solitude,\of the silent flame of a Blue candle.
At one with the Universe, The secret sound vibrates,
Throughout his being- bells tolling through eternity,
And water, flowing constantly-
Transporting me into his consciousness -of Being.
OMMMMM!
Just as carbon appears in charcoal,
As in diamond, so in reality,
it is only one and the same Divinity,
That appears in both places.
In name and form lies the difference,
In nothing else.
These names and forms do not last forever.
They are unreal because we see them,
At one time time and not at another.
He sees indeed who sees in all alike.   
He is a man with eyes open,
Who sees the one Divinity in all alike...OM...Om...Om
Three times i kissed His feet,
And bid him farewell. 
                                   Written in my journal - 10/31/83 -
                                    Green Bay, Wisconsin.