Three More days!

This morning I decided to go to the mosque and perform the Subuh (morning Prayer) after an all night-der. I stayed up all night doing sketches from some works done by Chinese Artists in life and figure drawings..its good practice when you run out of ideas, it helps to keep the fingers and eyes aligned and the mind focussed and especially when you have slept all day and having difficulty sleeping at night. I have been enjoying the Morning prayers at the mosque for the last few days and there is no doubt that I feel the calming and centering effect while i sat there in the mosque doing the Zikr or doing the Solat itself. My mind is less and less scattered and I am beginning to 'feel' more so when I am standing there before my Maker. The smaller number of people in the congregation helps as i am often prone to distractions especially in the form of passing judgements over some stranger who happen to give me a look or wear soemthing not in tune with or prosterate too long for it to be correct... blah, blah.
Pathetic for one who does meditation all thes years in order to develope a sense of centeredness or a focussed mind! But... hey I am still a novice, I am learning, I make mistakes and who cares and who knows? The fact that i am writing all these experiences that live through as incomplete as it is is a testimony to the fact that I am still experimenting with life and in A YEAR i WILL BE SIXTY!! Funny how the capitals popped up by my missing or hitting the caps button unintentionally! Yep almost sixty and i still walk around like a moron who thinks the whole world is watching every step, every breath and every mistake i make and gives a hoot! But that's okay too, I mean who in their right mind would take the trouble to read what I am writing and if they do hey more power for them as i always say there might be a thing or two that might shed a light into their own mess and who knows it might even help to untangle a few knots here there for them.

The twenty seventh day of Ramadan, it is one of those most aupicious days, the Day of days by Islamic standard where Allah has chosen as one of the Holiest, the day when the Holy Koran cameto mankind through His Prophet. I will not get too deeply into the significance of this day and night but by Muslim standard it like winning the spiritual lottery if one is lucky enough to be spiritually active performing any acts that keeps one in touch with the AlMighty. It is said that this special night could fall on any of the odd days and especially in the last ten days of the fasting month. I believe that there is such a night, a night when the Devine Cociousness opens itself to allow for the complete engulfment of all creation in a symbolic all in One, One in all gesture where there is total Oneness in being. Vincent Van Gogh might have expereinced it in his Stary Nights painting, Gautama the Buddha might have attained his enlightenment on this night some two thousand six hundren years ago when he awoke from his hunger fast and meditation to witness the morning star. It a night of Devine Intervention, a night when the doors of heaven opens and the angels themselves are allowed to visit the worlds and mingle among the Believers or those whose minds were in tune to or in alignment with the rest of the Universe. Why not! man deserves such blessings only if he realizes it and not when he slumbers away in his ignorance for only an awaken mind can be touched by an awakened spirit...so stay awake! Spiritually Awake! For what is a man wihtout his spirit and what is the spirit without the soul?
Ah... what can i say i am also half asleep half the time not knowing which way or which direction I am headed how far or how near i am to my Maker... and why the obsession with wanting to be so close to the Maker? All these questions all these doubts and lack of faith, why cant I hust live life like a Zen master and act as though life is like a swinging door, it swings in when you breath in and out when you breath out and that's all there is to it off course if you stop breathing you are dead, like eat when you are hungry and sleep when you are sleepy and sit and watch the grass grow...make life simple or simplify life. Why the five time a day prayers that cannot be missed or the fasting for the whole month but eating like hell in between and why the guilt trip when not fullfilling any of these? Questions! Do you care?
The cause of suffering is desire! The need to have, the cravings the wanting more and better, these leads on to suffering , so said the Buddha and this morning the Imam at the mosque in his lecture said Fasting is the way to curb your desires! Fasting is the only way to bring your Nafs or desire nature under control for desire is one of the most difficult of human nature to bring to submission. Only by subjecting the body to hunger and the mind to sexual disciplin can one come to ride the wild human nature called Desire. Part of the purpose of fasting body and mind is to subject one's sense of desire to an awakening experience, a wake up call to the senses so that none gats way out of hand by outdoing itself like stare too much at women's tits or smeeling too much gum fumes osniffing too much coke or drinking excessively of the good stuff that makes the head spin in ten differnet directions or voice out oppinions without recourse. these are afew of the habit that is brought to check when one is fasting... ain't that a clever way to do it? A smoker like me saves some money and maybe adds a few more days to my life by fasting... what more can i ask? Ones who plays with himself too much has to clean up before the break of dawn, take full ablution in order to fast, what a drag!
For a whole month Allah makes it mandatory for theMuslims to fast but not all does it offcourse and most who does do it lets a few drops of water slips through the throat whenever he or she decides to take a shower or even an ablution for prayer...then there are those who writes their rules accordingly to suit their taste for the fasting month, but Allah is All Knowing and All Forgiving, so ther you have it! You don't really have to fast! Be smart, hide behind closed doors and eat all you want or smoke all you can and drink and be marry, so long as you keep out of your neighbor's view who cares! Why torture yourselves! At the end of the day when the month of ramadan has come to an end you can always look back and say yes! I did it my way! Life goes on and what a beutiful day it is with no fuss or worrying over eating and drinking or fornicating at anytime of the day!
Yes The Month of months, during which the Holy Koran was delivered unto the Prophet (SAW) through the Archangel Gabriel on this Night of nights, this is the month when every Beleiver does his mental, body and spiritual house cleaning, re- accessing, re-juvenating and re=energising every aspect of our human nature such that we remain human in nature and less of a beast that ever threatens to rob us of our spirituality and cast us into the abomnation of being an Asshole.(the one whose Ass has been cast into the hole).

Death Stalks Islamabad,Pakistan

Hooray!! another Hotel bites the dust, another symbol of exploitation and repression has taken a kick in the butt and terrorism lives on! About the sixty or so of those innocent victims..oh, Heck there's got tobe some collateral damages otherwise what the hell good is a bomb attack if only a few rats and roaches suffered as casualties.
Hooray and Tree Cheers for AlQaeda, did they really pulled it off?? Is this another one of the Muslim Brothers' strike at the injustices of those who are in power and anti-Islam, whose ideas does not conform to... What!! Did they really do it?? Oh well we will have to wait and see after the dust had settled down some form of claims or evidence will pop up from somewhere, somewone will not be able to stand the itch to claim victory over...What!!
The sower of miseries, the anti-Christ, the Beast in the Sheepskin among the sons of Adam... he or it is sitting somewhere laughing away at the incredible carnage that man has been able to wrought against his fellow man without remorse all in the name of...What!!
The Good Lord has given us the brain, the mind,something that no other creature of His has been endowed with that is capable to feel Love and Compassion, Guilt and Concience and He created man as the Vicegerent among His creatures, the Caliph to oversee His creation and how proud and arrogant man has become to what purpose!!
Man is without doubt fullfilling his own destiny in the theosophical sense if not in the physical, he has become a victim of his own self dellusion, self agrandizement and self serving egotistcal nature, that which satan refused to bow to when the Good Lord created the first man. The angels were made to humble before man but only a few refused why?? These few knew that only man will crap himself on the very plate that he eats from. Only man is capable of claiming victory over the burial mounds of his fellow man all in the name of his tribe, his belief, his ideology, his Creator, his God and to what length or distance he would be willing to go to in order that these systems or religious beleiefs are justified.
Man has thrown caution to the winds, taken upon himself to play God and the words mercy and compassion has become a rarity or obsolete. Love is the ability to get laid and Truth is relative as to who stands to benifit what. It is difficult to tell the difference anymore between a politician and priest or who to trust for that matter for they have both become merchants; they sell their souls to the highest bidder.
So what's my point!!
Live and let Live!
Man has arrived at thea pinnacle of his mental achievements as nowwhere in time has his mind been so creative and productive he has build the tallest Tower of Babel in his own History: the Computer. Man has taken a gigantic step towards becoming a Universal Collective Conciousness that can only be short of devine in nature if and when harnessed and put together as one. With this tool in hand with this small realization man has forgotten himself, his mission and his purpose, he has the desire to become AlMighty. Man is close to become the Creator forgetting his own creation his humble origin of that of a piece of clay and a clod of blood, of just an egg and a sperm. Man has assumed that he can take and give life at will and that there will be no repurcussions while he is still alive. Someday he might even overcome old age and death and set about colonizing the rest of the Universe spreading his illnesses like his ancesstors did all in the name of freedom and justices all in the name of his God!

My Brother 'Jaya' is Gone

When we arrived at the Intensive care Unit of the Penang Genaral Hospital, my nephews and i were told that my brother, their father had passed about ten minutes ago. I was not moved with sadness for him but I was more relieved by the news. My second eldest brother like his younger brother Gina had no desire to prolong their lives on this plane of existance and they had let me know this not in so many ways and I feel the same in this matter sometimes wishing that it is me that is laying there all covered up, gone! I love my brother and like my late brother Gina they both went through life with a lot less to brag about and l being in my position as it is was in no way of much help to them while they were alive. Of the four brothers I had two are gone now and both grew up in Penang just like me and only later were sent to live with my parents and the rest of our siblings in Terengganu. All three of us are the failures as compared to the two who made it in life despite all the adversities that our family faced. There's none to blame as my eldest brother would remind me every so often but, ourselves. Yes we made the choices and we bear the consequences. Gina chose to be a school dropout, drug pusher, and later a gangster, while Jaya never even attended school and lived away from home and family most of his life growing up in Penang, look where they got!! And me well... my story aint over yet and if there is any happy ending for me it would be higly unlikely that it would be hailed as a triumph of the spirit.

Oh well maybe there is a silver lining in all these who knows I could still end up publishing my book or my son the High Flyer might in all likelihood find it in his heart to help his half brother and sister out in solving their residency issue and who knows what the Good Lord has in store yet. Anyhow Jaya is gone leaving behind him his children and grandchildren whose future from the way things are would seem bleak as his was. Why we keep bringing children into this world knowing how bad it is is beyond me, it is like bringing along more cattle for the packing houses. As a Muslim I am made to believe that this life I am leading is only a prelude to th after life, hence i should not cling to it too seriously. Clinging or not I know for myself that it is a cosmic joke that i am here and someone somewhere is laughing it off and worse yet after all said and done i am going to have to answer for all my deeds here right or wrong. The two angels on my left and right are ever watchful and recording every word i am typing and reading my thoughts most probably while i am thinking...such is freedom! Oh yes, the Ulamas will be raising their eyebrows if i keep writing in this line of thoughts as it is approaching blaspheme and Islam is a very intolerant religion when it come the Shirik and the Munafik (Hypocrates). Oh well, I write about myself of myself and for myself in order that i may come to understand who I am or where i stand in the events of Creation itself. I have a tough time swallowing whole the Islam that is being practiced by my fellow Muslims today and it is in no way the fault of the religion itself but that of the so called interpreters and devotees of the religion. There are too much hypocracies among my fellow so called Muslim Brothers and sisters that it stinks. Money talks and bullshit walks is the religious practice of the day, it is who you know that makes you a better Muslim and not what you know. The mosque is half filled and getting lesser by the day not bacause the people have forgotten their religion but because they have a difficult time from recognising what is real and what is a sham. Politicians parades as religious teachers and Ulamaks disguised as politicians. The Mosque or BaitulMal is rich while the masses is in need. Lets invest the Fittrah collect from the masse and that way we can generate more money for the Religious department coffer, and when we give just make sure that 'our people' are the benificiaries, our relatives and friends, after all it is said that charity begins closer to home! This is Islam under the 'Magic Carpet' where if religion is a thing that money could buy than the rich would live and the poor would die, My brother died in poverty and worse yet a very broken hearted man defeated in every respect, his self esteem robbed by his wife who brought in the man she remarried to live under the same roof with him and his children and grandchildren, his health from so much physical pain that and most of all his heart broken by the fact that his own brothers and sisters paid no mind much less help to ease his burden while he was alive.
And whose fault was it??
I may not be able to tie my turban like the Arabs do or read the Koran in its original text but this much I can say, if the Holy prophet were alive today he too would not want to hang around too long and watch his Ummah go down the tubes. Allah forgive me for my doubts, not in Him but in His so called devotees, not in the mountains and the rivers but in my fellow human beings especially those that dare declare themselves Muslims!The Rasul of Allah is said to have said that of all mankind only about 70,000 are true Believers in Islam and the rest are well, the rest... 70.000 out of billions and billions!!! In one season at the Haj in Mekah alone there is often not less than two million of Allah's faihtfuls! maybe the prophet did not really said it in all seriousness, maybe He was being skeptical of the people of his time.

Fasting Onnn...

The tenth day of the fasting month and I am dragging my butt along trying to keep up with the full practice giving myself all kinds of excuses why to or why not. My lower back pain has practically stopped me from doing the Taraweh prayers, a convenient excuse perhaps but I wish my guilt tripping would seize from managing my life whehther spiritually of materially. I sometimes feel like I am forcing to perform not so much for my belief's sake but for the friends and relative's sake, for what would the neighbors say's sake. However I cannot deny that deep down I have a weak disposition and it is most evident when it comes to putting my self to the spiritual disciplin.
I am regressing again and may Allah forgive me for being such a weakling, I fast but my fasting is incomplete or might even be worthless as I fail to perform all the other obligations that is compulsory for a Muslim to perform like the five times a day prayers. Everytime I hear the call for prayer from the mosques over the loudspeakers my heart feels sad it is as though I am forfeiting my chances of winning a lottery for no good reason other than sheer laziness or lack of faith. I am greatful for all that Allah has bestowed upon me and there is no greater love for me this day than the love of the AlMighty Creator and if I am to die in His service I gladly will but this sounds as flakey even for me.

For the love of the Al-Mighty I could not perform my prayers even if I wanted to as my mind will not allow for its total surrender or submission. The will always be an intrusion into my Solat(prayer) by thoughts out of nowwhere just as though what I would be doing was just pure physical actions with no spiritual substance whatsoever in them. I like to pray, I even enjoy praying sometimes when I can full concentrate upon my act of worship, however, I fail most of the time to feel the connection between my heart and my soul.I do my worshipping while sitting in meditation and would attain much more genuine feeling of the act than I would performing the mandatory solat. Sitting meditation or Tafakur as in Islam is one form of offering one's prayer or getting close to Allah but it is not a substitution for the daily solat. So here's the catch for me damn if I do and damn if I dont.I often feel like I am existinfg in a floating world of dellusion an empty husk floating aimlessly along the firface of life for no rhyme or reason. My prescence on this planet is just a long bloody waste of time with alot of garbage to show for and nothing more.

I now realize that it is not money or the lack of it that is tha cause of my often times what i can only call manic- depression for even as I am financially stable at the moment my heart is sick with depair. It is an incomplete feeling like something is missing from its very core. I am envious of those who seemingly makes it look so simple in performing their obligations towards their religious practice as Muslims and am even beginning to see the correlation between material and spiritual wealth in some like my cousins and brothers but it all seems still emphimeral like there is something that I quite fail to grasp, the Truth eludes me.

Perhaps i seriously need to find a spiritual companion to fill the empty space left by my wife. I am a very sexually oriented soul by nature and have been living an almost celibate life for as long as my daughter has been born. She is now almost seventeen and that is practically how many years i have really been without a real soul mate for my wife was just my wife a mother to my children, a fully committed career person whose interest in sexual intimacy was practically nil. Far from it I do not blame her for my shortcomings and yes she was a aprt of it like it or not but suffice to say I have been living a hollow unwholesome life with my better half missing, a Yang without its Yin.

Find a wife they say, you cannot live a solitary life even if you have your children to keep you company. Yeah! Right! its like i can step out one day and find a compatible woman ask her to marry me while having to tell her that i have two kids who are foreign citizens and my income comes from and ureliable source of being an artist, like sometimes you have and most of the times you are scrounging to make ends meet.Oh by the way I am also subjected to fits of temper as pointed out by my relatives and in laws most of whom would not be having any good words to speak of me. I have practically nothing to offer in terms of property, not eeven an insurance policy if and when I die to leave behind and no pension to boot. So who in heaven's name would consider having me for a partner to spend in sick and health for the rest of my days? Perhaps I have squandered my life in persuit of the grand illusion, the life of an artist, seeker traveller whatever, but I sure as hell have failed as a father, husband and most ashamedly as a spiritual man. I still cannot pray five times a day!!

Dhubai or Die 2

From the pictures sent via 'Snapfish' by my son of his orientation program at the Emerates Airline training facility I gather that the 'mixed up kid' is now quite officially one of the crew members of the Airlines now. Yeah... I am proud of the fact that my son has achieved his dream allthough he did fell short of what he had actually aimed for when he was in college. He wanted to be an Aerospace engineer when he initially set out to conquer the outerspace but hell the kid could not keep his head straight for awhile there what with all the girls getting in his hair in those days.
His mom deserves all the credit for she was a teacher and she taught him better than anyone could have on how to be an achiever in life for if it had been up to me he would be working in the packing house somewhere in GreenBay, Wisconsin. It broke my heart when she took him to Germany after our devorce while my son was five or six but I knew she did the right thing and accepted the fact, it was a blessing for all of us and thank you Lord for Your Grace in making it right all these years. I learned that loving someone does not have to mean that you own them but more so that you are willing to let them go. As it was i was in no position at all to carry the responsibilty of a father as my head was unscrewed during those years and saveral nuts and bolts were left loose. I was a very angry young man when i first started off in the United States, a scared and angry young man who did not know any better and got sucked into the Meat Packing House life of the Mid West where beer drinking was a norm, womanizing followed and dope smoking was waiting around the block.

I met Nazri's mother in Kuala Terengganu, onthe East Coast when she was on vacation from Mara Institute of Technology in Shah Alam where she was a foreign student from The University of Stevens Point, in Wisconsin sometime in 1973. One thing lead to another and soon we found ourselves a proud parent to this eager beaver who decided to join us in holy metrimony before we were really ready for it. But we got married in Sungai Pinang, Penang in what was considered by my peers who were then mostly the Hindu boys then as a cowboy or shotgun Muslim wedding. I was the proudest father to be on this side of the of the Sungai Pinang at that time. I could not believe it for a long long time untill I got a phone call one morning from the Asunta Hospital in Kuala Lumpur letting me jnow that I should be a proud man for my wife has delivered a baby boy tha morning. I was in Penang some three hundred miles away working at Hagemeyer Trading Company as a sales assistant. Apparently Naz's mom had driven herself (with him) to the hospital from the college where she was teaching in our clunker Beetle VW and got helself admitted and just had the boy!

When I got the call I was stund as we were not expecting him not for a month or two at least, but no!, no waiting for that kid. Fortunately being who she was Nazri's mother got everything that was needed for the baby and had them all packed away in a large suitcase all set and ready for the big day! I took the day off and headed for KL that afternoon but only made it to Ipoh and from Ipoh onwards I was stuck by the roadside with a large suitcase full of baby things standing at dusk in a drizzling rain and the whole area was lit up by the yellowish street light above my head. How can one forget such an event in one's life, when warm tears flowed freely and fear and despair almost brought one to the knees begging for help. It was the day of The Dead, Chinese all over the country visited their dearly departed and so there was hardly any public transportation available, the Planes were fully booked the train was fully booked, buses were fully booked the taxis, i manged to catch one only up to Ipoh and that was that.
As i stood there in semi darkness underneath a three to avoid getting soaked a Datsun came up and stopped in front of me. The driver asked me where i was headed and without much ado told me to throw the bag in the back seat and off we went. He told me he had one small condition if I were to ride with him to KL and that was i had to put up with the cassette record of the Hindu Puja (Hymms) to Lord Ganesha which he had always played while travelling long distances. He went on to talk to me about life and being able to cope with it in the darkest of times and the lightest untill we reached Asunta Hospital in Petaling Jaya, Kuala Lumpur.
I walked into my wife's recovery room at 10 pm. that night and she was still up and the moment our eyes made contact tears tarted popping out of her bluest of eyes, how can one forget such moments in life? Being way past the visiting hours I was allowed to see my son through the glass window from a distance, however a nurse came along and out of her kind heart led me into the room to hold my son in my arms and whisper into his ears the Azan which is the right of every Muslim father to perform as soon as a child is born. This was like Christening the baby, a solemn transmission between father and son of Faith,(Iman). So is my son a Muslim, as a father I say by birth yeas and so was his mother by conversion, however ib practice it is entirely up to their choices and what life has in store for them as "Man proposes, God Disposes".

Watchout Guys! There's a New Kid in Town!

There's my sone peeking from the corner of the picture with his collegues maybe fellow Pilots for the Emerates Airlines. Looks a bit like me even but off course he could never out do the old man when it comes to good looks.

His brains is a whole different matter must take after his Mom in that category.



Pilot training station at the Emerate Air? I am still having problem getting the right pictures downloaded, will get better ones in the future as soon as i larn the trick.

The Fasting Begins

The month of Ramadan began yesterday and I managed to get through it barely loosing my tops with my kids. How small irritations can become major explosions when your bewlly is growling and your head is in a migraine mode. I even made it to the mosque at night for the Taraweh prayers, a special prayers performed during the month of Ramadan. Being the laid back ladaisical kind of Muslim not worth the beard growing on my face, I must admit that performing the prayers in the mosque has had its calming effects on my mind. I had made my silent vows towards fulfilling my fasting throughout this month to the best of my ability and I had asked my Creator to assist me in this performance as i am even at my age today still as flacky and fickle when it come making commitments as i had ever been especially when it comes to religious ones. If all goes as promised and Allah keeps His promises, I am bound for the deep end as i am sure that by all counts i have one hell of a long list to catch up to in repaying my debts and promisses, in recocilliating and forgiving and in cleaning up my garbage filled mind. My closet is filled with skeletons and my soul is haunted by past mistakes and reckless living and my heart is a roost for ancient and twisted karmas born through greed, hate and dellusions.

But if promises are keptand Allah keeps His promisses, this month of Ramadan is yet another chance for one like yours truly who had" squandered all his resistance for a pocket full of marbles, such are promisses," to do a little more of his souls searching and heart cleansing practice. The fasting month has always been a great spiritual struggle for me not because i cannot stand hunger and pain but because of my faith towards my Maker. During these days when i am fasting, if i fast, my mind is being put to the toughest challenge of the finer acts of resistance of desires especially sexual desires. Food is not hard to resist but the mental forms of fornication can be a torture and if one is like me where the mind is constantly incriminating against itself at every distraction. The senses are heightened when you are fasting and the need to maintian a sense of detachment from all forms of sexual becomes a monumental effort without giving in and thus forfeiting one's fast for the day.

Why do I torture myself such? This is what i have asked myelf time and again whenever I am confronted with religous issues versee fulfilling my desires which comes as naturally as my lack of understanding and faith does. Waht do I hope to gain if all is being predestined for me or what or who am I trying to prove in undertaking any form of self discipline or mind purification practices? I look around me and all I see is the same old tricks played in different forms and manifestations and all in the effort to promote the AlMighty 'self'. Wear the beard and dorn the skull cap and you are a Haj and people look to you with respect and garner for your oppinions. Pray five tiems a day and you become aloof from the rest of humanity because you are closer to God and you are given the answers or worse yet you have become the chosen ones! Visit the Holy Land three times in your lifetime because you can afford it and the hell with your brothers and sisters whose children are on the verge of becoming thieves. And I want to become one of you??

As long as I have been going to the Mosque for the Friday prayers I had never felt the holyness or he wholesome feeling of being in the presecence of the Maker and at times far from it i had often left the house of my Lord more dismayed if not downright pissed. Why?? I had seen and witnessed more friendly and heartwarming looks in the market places and on the streets than I had ever in the prayer house of God, more than not I would gat a disdain stare like 'what the fauck are you doing here.? If you ask me why I am ambivalent about my religious commitment as a Muslim all I can say is that i am not a religious being no, I am a Spiritual Being. I seek to align my spirit with that of my creator and eventually merge into His Being. This muc i had come to understand and that is , I am not an atheist, I am a believer if not a True Believer. If there is anything i fear about life and death is the fact that i nver tried to understand my belief in that which is my Creator. I am afraid that my life had been a total waste at the end of my days and where i head on from then on would be nothing more than repurcussions of my lack of understanding of this phenomenon I call life and living, death and dying.

When the call to prayer was louded over the speakers from four or five different voices of the Bilals from in and around the area, I was twisitng like a demon burning from self torment. my mind struggles with all kinds of reasoning on why I cannot pray why these prayers are not for me and inadvertantly for my children as well. This has been going on for as long as I had lived and within the hearing distance of the mosques. I look at my neighbors' children as they are all dressed up with their white trubans and goaties well trimmed their white Pakistani Kurta and clean sarongs getting ready to leave in answer to the call. I reflected upon myself and my children and I had no answers but just a feeling of emptiness, guilt ridden sense of emptiness. QWhy?? As I look at these individuals at their performances i also realized that these are the hypocrates whose personality I care not for in their daily lives. I have come to know them and through my observations of their ways I cannot say that they have my utmost respect for their display of piety. But who am I to judge? my trip in this life is strictly self discovery, on knowing or coming to know who I am and not compare or critisize others for who or what they are.

This fasting month is for me yet another milestone of my getting to know my LOrd and how i fare through this whole month of Ramadan is yet to be seen and as always i will wrtie it all down for my better understanding of the whys and why nots. Allah, I 'oft forgiving and Most Merciful' and in this i had always held to be the ultimate Truth. If i fail in all else towards becoming a True Beleiver in this I rest my mind my heart and my soul, that He forgives even the worse of the worse if and when He decides it so. In the meantime my journey in life will go on untill the end of days for me.

Oppening of the Penang Oil Painting Societ

Yesterday I spent some time in the afternoon with two of my closest friends Ambi Devi and Joe Sidek after meeting them at the Beach Blanket Bistro Bar where the Little Penang Street market will take place tomorrow like it has always been every last Sunday of the month. Tomorrow i will be having an art class for the kids from the orphanage and i had planned on getting them to do collarge. Joe is having his hands full with managing everything else from running his company and managing the LPS Mrkt to taking care of his mother who is in and out of the hospital for the past few months. He seems on top of it all eventhough he seemd a little worn out around the edges. Ambi is also herself worrying about running he car into gates and not having transportation as a result, otherwise Ambi is Ambi. Two great people who has been dedicating their time and money towards the betterment of others. It is my rpivillage to have become accepted as one of them.

After the brief discussion at the Bistro we heade for the Penang State Art Gallery where the oppening ceremony of the Oil Painting Society was held. As usual there was a very poor and and disheartening turn out for the ocaision. Barely twenty guests mostly the same faces of fellow Artists the number of whicih is alot less than the number of entries for the show. Is Art really becoming extinct in Penang or is it because of the day and time of the event?Has the general public really become so removed from art and aesthetic appreciation, have artists and what they do become aliens in this age and times? This insensitiveness towards those who are the vanguard of creating and enhancing social and cultural identity of a given society is becoming alarming and I am very thankful that there are people like Joe and Ambi and my friend Leekhai and fellow artists like Soo Kow and Rashid who are attempting to keep alive the art scene here in Penang. Without these individuals and some others who patronize the art exhibitions most distinguishable among them Dato'Tan Chee Kuan who is also a collector and supporter of the Arts, Penang will be poorer in her collective aesthetic conciousness.

The lack of any Malay or Indian Artist participation was also very discouraging and a sad thing to note as it reflects the lack of a joint effort among all the existing artist in the state in promoting art and aesthetics in a collective spirit. Apredominantly Chinese affair this does not do much for Penangites in terms of creating a cohesive multi-ethnic joint venture in creative thinking and expression. Most people would only point a finger of accusation and blame when something like this occurs whereby one nationality dominates what must be a collective venture involving all the other nationalities as well. However blaming and fingerpointing does not and never will create any better environment for future integration of the art and artists works in furutre shows, but a positivie drive for and understanding of the dilemma that had been faced by the artists whatever their nationality may be might help to create a better avenuse for better coorperative efforts in promoting a more multi-ethnic exhibition that would raw more wider variety of audiences rallying unfavoured or biased support for the arts and art exhibition.

Art Galleries and gallery owners, Art collectors and critiques, the lay person and artists alike has to make a concert effort towards the reintroduction of an aesthetis awareness for the State. The schools and institutions has to awaken the sense of a need for a renewed sense of creativity among the younger generation and parents are to be made aware that art actitivities are what their children need in order that their creative minds and spirit can flourish. Politicians and lawmakers,educators and the health institutions too have to find ways and means in ensuring that aesthetic and artistic talents among the people are not sidelined or neglected to make way for a sterile, economically driven society. It is encumbent upon all to not let the Arts fall into the waste basket of our so called developmental projects. If this be so Penang will become just another factory for the developed nations and Penangites will serve merely as cork and screws or a sweat shop for the functioning of other bigger factories elsewhere.

Tomorrow, the 31st of August when the whole country celebrates the Nation's Independance Day it is wise to ponder upon what and how we are addressing our sidelined citizens. Those who finds no venues towards their sense of creative imouls and urges, those who through the lack of support and encouragement from the power that be finds no forms of expression or release from this day to day mundane living and most who one way or another ended up finding it in drug abuse. The synthetic release of the trapped souls that could not cope with being caged and astrapped from lack of creative windows of expelling their passions. Most drug abusers and alcoholics are inherently creative in nature, they get high to play the guitat along street corners and scribble cartos on wall as a creative protest we call graffiti or vandalism. Most of our disjointed members of society in mental homes are treated with art therapies the only open door for them to dare enter and let their feelings be known and yet we who are in the know treat the arts and artistic talent as a wasteful endeavor and most of us prohibits our children to indulge in drawings or painting as a pasttime much less enciourage them to get more involved.

MERDEKA!

The Anwar and Obama Political Concerts

Last night my cousin Rahim and our friend Majnun took adrive to Permatang Pauh where Anwar ibrahim was to give his final rally speech the night before the 'Big' bi - election at Permatang Pauh. The crowd was huge and braved the incessant rain through the night shouting and cheering at just about every top gun members of the Malaysian Oppositon Party members who preceded the man they were there to send to the halls of Parliament as their leader. I had bought an umbrella ahh, what with money in your pocket1 but seriously it was the fact that the umbrella was also the colors of the Malaysian Flag with the the cresent and the star that got me to splurge and save myself from getting soaked while listening to this historic final campaign by Malaysia's most controversial political leader.

I shook his hand once when I attended his appearence in Kuala Trengganu at one of the beach front houses in Batu Burok and at that time he was on the run and and the former prime Minister Tun M. was on his tail and I was just a curious bystander wondering what it was all about and wanting to meet in person the man i had come to admire from afar while i was living abroad. I had sat on top of a neoghbor's gate wall while listening to him delivering his fiery speach at the time pointing his finger at just about every Tom, Dick and Mahathir for trying to shut him up behind bars and throw away the keys. I was swept away by the moment and joined in the fist raising at the South China seas skies yelling Roformasi! Dumb!!
When I returned home from the whole affair I received a call from my oldest brother telling me that my twin brother had called him and told him that my presecence on the TV3 screen had cast him a call from his boss demanding and explanation. Our relationship from then on hit the bottom between my twin and I and till this day i doubt if i could ever justify my actions to him and hell if I care to. But I blame Anwar for this! Yes it was because of him and his fiery speach that got me into this pea soup with my twin and his wife who would exploited every bit of the scenarion to plunge the wedge deeper into what was alredy a fragile realtionship between the twins. Off course Anwar had nothing to do with it and I would got to listen to him talk anywhere and anytime as i did on the final day of the last general election campaign night at Mount Eskine Chinese graveyard. I told my cousin Rahim back then that Anwar was looking for the four digit numbers among the gravestones. But this was Malaysian Politics, the opposition will be the opposition and with all the money spent building fancy halls and stadiums all over the country opposition political rallies are held in padi fields and graveyards attended by who? the very people that paid for these expesive facilities.

I hate politics and i hate politicians even worse but I know that without the two life as it is today would be total chaos where its ups for grabs to the toughest, meanest and most cunning of society to lead the rest of the flock like cattle being lead to the chopping block. Politics and politicians provides the necessary cheque and ballance, and when one or two decided to turn bad hopefully the others would nail him down. The people who braved the rain, put up with the driving and parking, taking their time to be there deserve the best from those they had come to support. Malaysians deserve the best from their government and the government deserves the unquestioned support of the people as this is not an easy nation to rule being multi- racial, multi - religious and multi - idiosyncracies. Like sititng on a keg of explosives, one wrong word, one wrong move one wrong look! KABOOOOM!! All hell will break loose and all civility will be cast to the winds and only chaos and destruction will be the course of action. Deep deep down there is still the mistrust and the suspicions among the three major races in this country and anyone who does not see this or experience it in one form or another is either naive or in denial.
As I see it the work for the politicians is not so much as to unite the nation but at present to stamp out all the elements that is being used to create a division among the races. The elements that is being exploit by all in their persuit to fulfill their own petty agendas at the expense of the miseries of those who had laid their trust in the hands of their leaders. Malaysians walk the thin line of racial conflict and attaining harmony on the other hand will be the cronw of our success in governance of a society. Most of our Malaysians are educated to a certain degree and most have the desire to live along with their neighbors in harmony regardless of who their neighbors might be. However for so long as there are those who dwell upon self promotion, self propagation and self agrandizement as a means of being ahead in this life, Malaysian plural society is at the mercy of racial disunity. These are the ones who will keep sowing the dark seeds of discord among the uneducated and the down trodden stirring their passions and emotions through religious and cultural sentiments evoking ancient lineages and the worship of ancestors as a means for reason to demand justice. Malaysia will see more and mosques and temples and shrines growing all ove the country no matter who rules, maybe this is not such a bad idea if it at the same time see less and less hotels and other forms of accomodations as mosques and temple in their own right are where people in times of need can seek shelter. But too far fetched, as most of the these places of worship are usually locked most of the time depriving the very needy who they were build for the help they could use.
If the Malays can drop their Malayness and the Chinese forget their Chineseness and the Indians and the rest of the ethnic groupds that make up this nation does likewise perhaps and even then, we might be able to call ouselves truly Malaysians. To change the future of the nation we have to change our own mindset each and everyone of us, the rich and the poor alike the enlightened and the ignorant it does not matter, we every single native who aspires for a wholesome nation has to know ourselves and where we stand. We have to shed our old mindset of nativistic, tribalistic, clannistic guises and embrace with faith one identity without fear or favor. Short of this Malaysia will never get off from this powder keg that is slowly burning its fuse waiting for the final destruction....MERDEKA!!

If and when Anwar Ibrahim is elected to parliament Malaysia will go through a change no doubt one way or the other and the oppostion party is the only hope for this change for better or for worse. Change is what is needed at present and even the most jaded of Malaysians realizes this. This is a country that has much to offer in its resources both natural as well human and for it to fail as a nation is unthinkable and a sure bloody shame. At present the direction in which we are headed seems like a blurr in everyone's mind and to bring some form of coherence in the sense of direction will need a very strong and capable leadership, a leadership comprised of great thinkers and movers, those who see the inot the future what present holds and not those who see how to profit from the present uncertainity for personal or group benifit into the future.

The Drive to Trengaanu

On friday last my daughter and I left penang in our little Kancil and headed for Kuala Lumpur. My son Karim had to go to school for extra classes sinse he will sitting for his exams in a month or two at least that is what I am to believe, knowing karim he would most probably be getting himself a few new DVDs and watch them again and again till he cam memorise every line in the movies. I made about seventeen thousand RM from my last solo exhibition at the Penang State Art Gallery and a few new contacts a far as buyers to my works are consern. Making the amount was a hard task but spending it was hell of alot easier! But hey, what's money if you dont know how to spen it? I have always told my children that they will never think of their father as being stingy in his life when I am dead and gone. I keep reminding them that I would get them anything within reason if I have the means to do it and when I dont have they will have to bear with me and go hungry if I have to.

On the way to KL we stop for the night at my aging auntie's house in Bukit Beruntong a few Kilometers north of KL. There I gave my cousin sister Jamie two of my mono - prints as i had promised her years ago but never got around to fulfill it. Noticing that she was very much in need I gave a thousand RM mainly so that she can change her four worn out tyres on her Kancil and the rest was for whatever she needed as she is not married and the one taking care of her mother. Needless to say I feel very sorry for her but I also love and admire her more so than all her siblings put together. May Allah constantly give her the strength and courage to persevere in her life and Allah's Willing i would help her all I can into the future. Her mother is the woman who had raised me as a child as her own.

We left Bukit Beruntong in the morning and headed for Sha Alam where my cousin Zakaria resides anf from there left in a convoy of three cars headed for Melaka. Our trip to Melaka was to send the bride( my niece) to her newly wedded husband's home. After spending a good half of the afternoon at the home of the Groom we left for the Sime Darby Kempas Resort located within an Oil Palm Plantation not too far from the gromm's house. We were joined by the rest of the Zakaria entourage, the rest of his children and grandchildren and occupied the whole resort. Zakaria is a staff member of the Golden Hope, Simedarby plantation group and is quite way up there in his position and so we were given the VIP treatment.

I did a water color painting of the fish pond facing the shalets and gave it to my niece as her wedding present. It was not half bad but was more appreciated for the capturing of the moment in time for her. We left the resort the next day and I headed for Kl that evening from Shah Alam in the effort to locate my friend Dr. Ali the Iraqy. We had been friends since we met in Trengganu where the Dr. and his family has been close friends to my family and used to do things together. However my worse nightmare of getting lost in KL at night came true and i spent the next few hours searching for a place to stay the night with my daughter. God I hated KL for this! We managed to put up at the Orkid Hotel finally and watched the movie on HBO called the Final Destination Three.

Next day I contacted my friend Hasnee a fellow artist and spent the day with him at the National Art Gallery where I paid my courtesy call upon the Director Encik Najib Dawa, the man who was supposed to have launched my Solo Exhibition at the Penang State Art gallery but failed due to more important functions. This was my first time at the New Nat. gallery and I was quite impressed by the vast collection of artworks spanning over a time period. Saw some familliar works by my former school art teachers and was captivated by the more contemporary pieces that has evolved beyond the old style of these teachers.

Hasnee has an ongoing exhibition at the New Straits Times Gallery in Bungsar but i did not attept to locate it even in the daytime as I said before I dont like KL. If i could avoid it i will but if i have to pass through it to get somewhere else I dread where i would end up. My cousin Zakaria pointed out that for a guy who has traveled some of the world's largest cities, it is strange for me to get lost in KL. Well it is not really a matter of knowing the roads so much as getting use to the negative feelings i have about the place and its people.

Hasnee my daughter and I later visited the home of an old school friend who was formerly from Trengganu and as a matter of fact he was one of our Troop leaders during our Scouting days at the Sultan Sulaiman Secondary in Kuala Terengganu. He spent most of his life as a shoe designer for BATA shoe company and a few others, but he is also a painter and has always been dabbling in art untill he retired and now plans on going into it full time. Adna Otheman was at one time an idol for the young ones growing up in K.TR. as he and his band group back in the sisties and seventies were the first and they called the 'Sonics'. He was their lead singer and had made popular a song or two in his days.

My daughter and I left Adnan's house at about 2 in the morning heading for Kuantan and then Kuala Trengganu. It was a pleasant drive all the way for me and my daughter slept fitfully in the next sit. I had alot of time to reflect my life and what is happeing and what is not, if all is moving according to plan. I missed my sons but they have their own agendas these days so I decided the hell with it call me if you need me and if you dont' well... My daughter is different, she will need me like it or not and it has always been a pleasure to travel with her and who knows she might end up being a traveller herself which i am hoping for as I cannot imagine seeing her getting married and settling down at an early age to some Malay. Not that i got anything against a Malay son in law but marryi9ng a Malay i have come to experience is marrying into a family not just a wife or a husband but the whole clan and not all of them are pleasant tobe with rest assured. Ahh! too early to bother my head with!

We arrived in K.TR. early in the morning and the sun was rising as we arrived into Kuantan area. I thought of spending the day sleeping at the resort in rantau Abang or better known as the turtle beach but when I was at the resort there was not a soul at the reception desk and so I decided that it was notr such a good idea. We drove on untll we got to my sister's house in K.Tr. and there i found my nephew asleep infront of the TV, he did not even bother to get up when I greeted him. There is alot of unsavory words i would like to write about this jerk but that would be judgemental to the extreme, so i can only sympathize with my sister and his wife. My daughter i I left after I manage to catch a few winks on the chair while my daughter did hers on the sofa and we left as soon as i caught my senses.

We ended up putting up my friend Fadzli's house in Gong Badak where his father had offered me an open invitation for me to put up at his home whenver i am Trengganu. Why do you want to stay in the hotels and so on when you have my home he said it may not be a five star but at least it is not a falling star. The house is a mansion by any standard.

I had a great time visiting my friend and spent the nights sleepless facing his computer and discussing photography, Art and religion. This was what we used to do in the past when I lived nearby and as we had done before a visit for a late supper at the Paloh coffeeshop with the guys is a must. I also visited Mohamad Rafi and his family which I never fail to do whenever i was in K.Tr. I also visited Hashim at the Duyong Heritage Marina on Pulau Duyong and got the scoop on what is going on with the Monsoon Cup business. Some things never change it is said but then most of the things in our life just take on new forms as time wears out the old and replace it with the new. One never would have noticed much of it if one had never walked away from it and take a look at it from a distance and with a sense of detachment...

To Pick the Lotus without wetting the fingers.

The Sendai Project

After days of scanning al most all of my sketch books related to my stay in Sendai, Japan, I am now beginning to attempt my hand at putting a book together as my new project. My Solo Exhibition at the Penang state gallery went well and i am now financially stable for the nex few months. Made a few great contacts as far as my potential buyers are concern and now all I have to do is keep creating and come up with some more extraordinary pieces that will capture their interests. The show also was a personal accomplishment as I can say that i made it to the State Level Gallery where not too many local have yet to. I am a relatively new comer to the Art scene here in Penang barely four years now and so far i have had four solo shows bagged.

What do i do next? Thus the attempt at publishing my book on Sendai, Japan and so far it is still at the scanning stage, its time consumming and monotonous but it had to be done if i am to make any headway. It is also to keep my mind occupied while figuring out what my next theme or media would be as far as painting is cocern. The kids are happy each getting a new handphone promised them two or three birthdays ago. Next week will be school holidays for them and so i am thinking of taking them for a cross country ride in the Northern States of Kedah and Perlis. I have always wanted to do some travelling into the rural areas of this country and now is a good time and perhaps I might even get an inspiration or two along the way.

Artists, like writers have creative blocks too and sometimes detrimental to their health due to the psychological and emotional depression. These are times when some seek alternative mind tripping options such as drinking or drug taking in order that the mind can be set free from the blockage, or whaever it is that is holding it back from being able to be creative.

In the past while living in the U.S I had experimented with the taking of various drugs in order to unlock my subconcious mind( or so i thought then), to create an alternate conciousness or an altered state whereby my normal state on mind was in someways jarred into a saperate reality. I had tried taking some mushrooms when I was in College and also a few trips on acid or LSD. While on these trips I studied my mind and its changes according from the onset of the 'Highs' to the end and I would try to keep a record in my journal of what was transpiring through writing and sketching whatever came to mind or whatever revealed itself in my altered state of conciousness.

When 'high' or' stoned' I found that my works became freer but lack controll in details and often rendered carelessly like there was no understanding or disciplin of the medium and style. Often sketches were done with haste and random images that were often unrelated and the emotional expression were often reflective of anger or some form of negative emotions. Even when carefully thought out works were attempted they often ended up overworked or messed up due to the inability to stop when enough is enough. Perfect strokes sometimes happens and the mind would be spellbounded but the work would be eventually petrified by additional work that was the result of lack of confidence in what was achieved in the beginning.

The use of drugs in artistic endeavors, to get high in order to be able to create original pieces is common among those who had access to the drugs of choice and the ability to remain in control over the drug induced states at all times. Artists in the extreme abuses their mental states in order to explore the subconcious recesses of their minds and draw from the experiences new images and ideas, original thoughts and unknown and unheard of expressions through the dare to manipulate mediums and bend rules of applications of methods which under normal circumstanes would have been almost unheard of. Sadly enough most drug abuses originates from this desire to reach deep within for that which normally would not have been accessable. Drug abuses in assence is the product of drug uses for the enhancement of our sensitivity towards what lies deep within our genetical makeup.

Experiments crried out by such known figures like Baba Ram Dass (Herbert Alpert) and the likes of Timothy Leary and Alan Watts and Carlos Castaneda in their works has proven vital for the generations who had felt trapped by the confinements of modern day thinkers who promoted the 'safe clinically sterile process' in achieving higher states of mind. Those who dared to experiment with their mental states were often dubbed as drug abusers regardless if they achieved greatness through their insights while under the influence of various drugs. It takes some form of courage to be involve in drug taking knowing the consequences that can result from it and most who do drugs for the sake of mental exploration were regarded as unethical towards their profession and their achievements were deemed unacceptable.

The Penang Water Color Art Society Show

Yesterday was the oppening of the Water color exhibition at the Penang State Art Gallery and I one of the very few Malays who was present the rest being members of the Gallery staff. The Penang Water Color Societ is predominantly a Chinese club with one or two Non-Chinese members which is sad but, such is. I was impressed by the amount of good works on display each standing on its own in originality and creativity and it was an opportunity to study the various techniques of water color if one is into it as a beginner like myself. On my way to the Gallery i had stopped at the Nanyang Art store to shop for some water color materials including a good selection of tubes of water color paints and water color papers which cost about RM20 per piece! I thought I'd do a few water color painting for a change. I really never thought that I was going to get a great opportunity to study the Medium through other's works at the show, so it was a bonus for me, a great start.



Being a predominantly Chinese affair there were among the guest of honour a few Chinese Dato's among who was an Art collector Dato'Tan who had purchased a few pieces of my works in the past. It is a disappointment to see not as many people had turned up for the occaision despite the fact that the Club was numbered more than a hundred members. Evidently even among the iherently communially supportive Chinese there is a lack of interest in the fine arts which I assumed to be so among the Malays only. The Malay Art Society is a practically non-existant if not non- functioning entity which has a studio Gallery annexed to the Kapitan Keling Mosque on Chulia Street in Penang. A few malay Artists has their works displayed there with hardly any changes over the past few months sisnce the gallery came into being. It is run by my good friend Rashid the portriat painter who aslo has his studio there. Other than that there is nothing worthy of mention happens here as far as there being a Malay Art Societ in the Penangf is concern. The Malays has a saying, 'Hidup segan mati ta' mau', which simply means that its too lazy to stay alive but does not want to die. This is the state of the Malay Art Society and who is to blame?



Art is the first victim in the political economic scheme of things anywhere in this world, the first activity to be scrapped from the roaster if there is any financial cut backs whether in schools or institution of higher learnings. It is like the left hand is dispensable when things boils down to a mater of choice. Science and technology is the key into the future woe unto you if your maths and science subjects are weak in these days and age at schools, on is no bette than a pariah. It is a tragic phenomena which has taken a hold of our modern day educational systems, we promote the sciences all out at the expense of the Arts and we believe this is right. Despite warnings by great minds such as Einstein who insisted the balance between the Arts and the sciences we dogged our children in aschool to forget the art as waste of time and has no financial benifit as career choice. True! as compared to those who are mechanically inclined, scientifically oriented and has great computer intelligence, the future is bright at least as a salary man. The artist on the other hand is a specie on his own for most part of his life unless he is fortunate enough to find a sympathetic patron or admirers who can help to support his needs untill he is fully established as an independantly wealthy artist. The odds against being a full time artist in these days and age is getting bleaker and bleaker in terms of financial success especially when he or she has to support others such as children and so forth. It is a challenge to become a full time artist but it not an impossibility if one is determined enought to forge ahead and overcome all hurdles as just another goal to achieve in life.

Sendai, Japan Part 1 1995-1998

From Hokaido to Southern Kyushu the temple bells were rung welcoming the New Year. Thousands thronged the Jinjas and the Teras in the snow covered mountains as well in the heart of busy cities of Tokyo, Osaka, Sendai among the famous of them. All dressed in their traditional richly colored kimonos which were further enhance against the whiteness of snow in the back ground. They lined up along the cul de sac leading up to the temple steps full of joy and merriment as inherent in the Japanese nature celebrating any form of festivities. As the temple bells of Mount Haguro in the north and those of the Yamadera mountain temples started tolling at midnight I sat by myself in front of the TV sipping my Umeboshi or plum wine while my wife and children were buried inside their thick blankets fast asleep.

KAMPAI!! I raised my glass to the TV in the darkness and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

GAMBATE! KUDASAI!! YOSHH!! OMEDETTO GOZAIMA'sHTA!!

I was feeling Euphoric a little bit from having downed a good portion of the Plum wine since the evenning and finally having that feeling that i was settled in in this country at least for the time being. The snow covered landscape of the Yasoen was bathed with hues of colored lights shed by the replicas of the Tokyo Towers of the Sendai TV stations which are located atop the hill. The colors changes according to the weather they say. From my living room bay windows on the fifth floor of the Dia Palace Yasoen Verde Condominium the view of this lanscape was a gift as it changes with every season and every time of the day and weather. On clear days i could almost see all the way to the ocean from one corner of the room while from another the panoramic view of the City of Sendai presents itself all the way to the distant low mountains of the Miyagi Prefecture.I have spent alot of time at the roof top the building taking in the views around the whole area and one of the fascinating discovery i made was watching the flight of the crows by the hundreds all flying in one direction in the morning which was towards the ocean while in the evening the same flight of crows heading inland towards the mountians. It reminded me very much of the 'Salary men' who leaves their homes in their black suits in the morning and arriving home late in the evening. The epitomy of the Japanese daily life except the crows never had weekends off.

Christmas came and went for 1996 and as always Saint Nick was generous to the children getting them what they did not need but what is Christmas without the tree and the gifts that comes underneath. Even if most of us think that Christmas has become over commercialized in the West I still enjoy Christmas as it has been one of the few moments in my life that gave me meaning as what it was like to be a member of a family of of the human race where love and warmth and the sharing of joy and happiness made one almost forgot the winter cold outside. My children were fortunate to have been born in the United States where they celebrated Christmas as children and now in Japan as I am sure that if the human mind is what it is, the memory of these few years of Christmas spirit would stay within their psyche for their entire life. Although not a Christian for all those years living in the US I had looked forward to Christmas just like every Christians in the country for me it was a time of purification of my spirit and getting in touch again with humanity as a whole.I had celebrated Christmases in Green Bay, Wisconsin, in Sandpoint, Alaska and in San Francisco, California and now I am celebrating them in Japan, my family and I are blessed for the opportunity to savor these moments as a part our life's experiences.

During the first week of this month I had my first Solo Exhibition in the City of Sendai, Japan and it was quite a success as far as the turnout of friends and supporters as well as selling twelve pieces of my works. The Show entitled 'Bahari No Potpuory' showcased a collection of mixed medias as well as assorted themes of my works including those that I had brought with me from San Francisco. My Japanese friends and fellow artists were receptive to my works and most expressed their positive support for the different styles and techniques that I had shared with them from the show. Importantly, I made allot of new acquaintances through the show artists as well as non artists and I learned too that the Japanese are very appreciative of those who are creative in the arts. The Japanese Government I realized too is very supportive towards the Artists as evidenced by the fact that I was allowed the use of the facility at the Miyagi Muzium of Fine Arts in Sendai where they had an 'Open Studio' policy for the residents of the city. The facility provides fully equipped studios including printmaking as well as sculpture, photography and painting run by qualified instructors who are there to assist anyone seeking help.

With the help and support of the instructors I was able to produce a great amount of printmaking especially mono-prints which has always been my favorite medium in printmaking as it afford me spontaneous execution. I had the opportunity to learn the art of painting Sumi-e using Japanese black ink on hand made paper which is another favorite of mine as I enjoy black on white painting and the Japanese ink was the perfect material for this form of painting. Nihonga is a Japanese form of water color which employs colors in the form of sandy crystals which one has to mix with gum every time in use and it is a very slow and tedious process not for the impatient artist like me. It is also an expensive medium as the pigments of colors are not easy to come by, however in the hand of a master this form of painting can be very beautiful and is said to improve with age. I managed to do one paionting through this medium depicting a group of SUMO wrestlers doing a 'Rumble in the Ring' and it is still in my own personal collection till this day.

Among the regular users of the Open Studio facilty at the Miyagi Muzium were a few foreigners including myself. There was an artist from Brazil who does allot of traveling and was married to a Japanese. Pimenta works with the Nihonga technique and does the study of Tibetan Tankas which he was inspired from his travels to Mongolia. There was also an American Professor from Colorado who does specializes in etchings while he was there and then there was an Australian who had been living in Sendai for sometime and acts likewise towards other foreigners with condescension sometimes outdoing even the Japanese in his arrogance. I hate meeting people with kind of attitude wherever I travel and I can sense them upon introduction. The fact they speak Japanese well makes them automatically superior to you and they are the last for you to expect any assitance from as they avoid you like a plague and you will fortunate if they do not throw a curve ball at you behind your back!

Close by to the Miyagi Muzium of Fine Arts is also the Kokusai or Sendai International Center where allot of internationally related events takes place and it was also a place where one gets to meet foreign students from the various Universities from around the Sendai are. I often stop by the center to watch the CNN news on TV and sometimes met up with the Malaysian students who studied there. The International Center has also a resourceful library where one can read or borrow English literature and read various News papers from around the world. The folks at the center were the most friendly and helpful people I have come across and they always obliging when you need help especially in getting places and looking for the good place to eat. I later donated a few books from Malaysia which included those written by the former Prime Minister, Tun Mahathir Mohammad and one written about Tun Daim and one by Dato Sri Anwar Ibrahim.

Last Day of Penang Heart and Soul Exbt.

For the past two weeks or so I have been both surprised and disappointed at times, touched and despair by what i experienced having held this Solo Exhibition at the Penang State Art Gallery which to me is the crown of my long journey as an Artist cum spiritual seeker. I learned that one can never predict where the cards may fall with life ans success and failures are relative to one's innate perception. As some helped to p[oint out to me a few days ago I should not place too much emphasies upon that which is inevitable, that which is beyond my grasp of understanding or resposibility, but just to go ahead as to coin Nike's Logo..,. Just Do It!

And I have done it, I have placed myself within four years of my return to this Island home of mine on the Who is Who of the Artist Directory and in some ways have earned the respect of a few contemporary Artist in the community both the Chinese and the Malays, I have yet to meet a true blue Indian Artist. Most of my works especially the smaller pieces were sold to my pleasant surprise and there were new Art buyers that I have got introduced to who I am positive will keep me on the buying list into the future. Three News Paper articles appeared covering my show which is another added incentive towards the promotion of my works into the community.

This saturday I have been invited to have a demostration show at the Queens Bay Mall here and the possibility of selling my works there at the same time. I look forward to this as it will be yet another venue whereby I can share my talent with the general public and help to promote aesthetic awareness from among the local residents here. I have a vague idea of what i might do but will see what happens.

Only a Buddha Knows a Buddha

My Solo Exhibition was officiated by

Sometimes you meet someone who out of the blue seems to know you and all your aspirations, your trials and tribulations, what your goals are and where you are at at the moment in your life. It is like he has read you and with great intuitive perception can picture where you are headed for. One such person walked into the gallery yesterday and confronted me, I call him Mr. Saw. He works as a Remiser for an Investement Bank here in Penang in his thireties or early forties, speaks perfect English and very highly knowledgeable. Among other things that he pointed out to me about myself was the fact i have arrived at a point in my life where my artistic abilities is ready to explode, it is all a matter of time he said and I do need to get my enrgies together as i seemed abit low in that respect and so he suggested making me a Chinese tea that would help to get my Chi up. He also advised me to not be too bothere anymore with the lesser things in life such as worrying too much about what is obvious or clammering after hugher educational degress but just to do IT.

All these seem simple and straight forward now that i am relating it but when in actuality my meeting Mr. Saw was a blessing for it was like a Buddha meeting a Buddha and Dharma transmission took place at a certain level most probably only a practicing Zen student would undrstand and apprecite the significance. There things in life that is hard to put into words and if need b alot of its authenticity is wasted in the process. Suffice to say for me just recording it down in this manner will help me to just be able to remember the event in my later days. Moments like these reminds me of my reading G.I.Guirdjief's 'Meeting of Great Minds' where the traveller, seeker is stumbles upon a stranger and learns from him or her all that he has been asking and looking for with a few tips on where he is headed or how he should proceed from then on if he were to still continue his journey towards his ultimate goal.

Penang - pictures

The island of Penang or Pulau Pinang as the malays called it originally is one of the most beautiful and dynamic places that one can choose to live on. Surrounded by water it is a major port city along the Western coast of the Malay Peninsular. In the old days Penang played a vital role as a port city with ships loading and unloading goods from all over the world.

I grew up on this island and in the early sixties had spent most of my free times on the water front where the man who adopted me was working at the Penang port Comission as a store keeper. I still remember when the first Ferries arrived from Hongkong where they were built to serve the channel crossing. I was taken onboard to the wheel house and had firsthand experience of watching the ferry dock from the bridge.

When ships arrived from India carrying such goods as onions and spices of all kinds my uncle would have one of his workers take me on board the vassel and explore the cargo holds where thick blankets of dust would float the air filled with aromatic smells of spices, onions and dried chillies.

Before the Penang Bridge was constructed the Ferries played a vital role in transporting people and vehicles across from the island to the mainland. Today most of the passengers on the ferries are those who live in the Butterworth and Prai areas or closeby Permatang Pauh. Locals styill take the ferry for nostalgic reasons and the ferry themselves have grown old and some are not running as much as they used to.

From the sea the view of the Komtar structure is symbolic of Penang. This Phalic like symbol stands tall as the first tallest structure and still is the focal point of Penangites as the center where all things began. The KOMTAR is located where Simpang Enam used to be and here there was a huge roundabout where the traffic was redirected to tha various major roads leading out of the city area of Penang Road.

The water front has taken on new faces with upgraded anchoring facility being constructed and floating restaurants lined the Quay. You dont get big ships anchoring along the warfs anymore along Weld Quay areas like it used to be, howwever now you find expensive Yatchs and luxury boats lining the newly constructed berths.

PICS. Penang

The same crow used to sit at the same spot everyday just like me looking at it day in days out, it was resting I was bored. The Island is Pulau Jerajak where the Jerejak resort and SPA is located and for which I was employed fro almost three years as the Jetty supervisor in charge of the Ferry services, namely selling ferry tickets and taking care of guests going to and from the island.

If the picture had been any sharper it would have won the Cannon Photo Competition as it has all the elements of a good well designed, well composed picture, if i may say so myself.

Notice the bird on top of the stilt sticking out of the water behind the man castin his net to catch shrimps?

Itwas a rather hazy day that too however and that could be a good excuse for the hazy picture!

I have done numerous sketches while working at the Jetty as the Supervisor and most were done on recycled phamplets of the 'Buffet Ramadan' offer for the year 2004.