Green Bay, Wisconsin Revisited

Where to from here? I could have gone to the University and do more printing but I am also bound to end up jammed in the traffic congestion bevcause of the convocation going on there over the week end. Just got back taking my daughter to the Saint Vincent De Pauls second hand outlet where she loves to rummage for name brand blouses and pants, used off course. Took along one of my nephews and got him a nice pair of sports snickers that fit him perfectly and I got myself an apron for my printmaking. So the afternoon went after sending my son and his buddies to sleep over at one of their homes and tha was before I took my daughter to the thrifty store. Where to from here?

I would like to reflect a little over my past to Green Bay, Wisconsin where I first settled down after making the big move from Malaysia along with my former wife and my first born son. My son Nazri was about four months old then and he was born at the Asunta Hospital in Petaling Jaya, Kuala Lumpur on April the eighth of 1973. I was not present when he was born as I was hten working in Georgetown Penang for Hagemeyer trading Company as their Sales Executive for the NIvico and Matsushita departments depending on where or who needed my services more at the time. That morning when my wife had driven herself in our VW from Shah Alam where she was a resident lecturer to the Hospital and admitted herself to deliver the baby. My former wife was one gutsy lady from Stevens Point, Wisconsin who came to Malaysia as an exchange student and met me and decided to saettle down in Malaysia when our son decided to drop in on us unannounced.
We decided to get married right away when we learned of the gift we had given ourselves when having a great time one the beaches of Terengganu and Penang and the wedding took place at my Auntie's house on the junction of River Road and Sungai Pinang.My firends called it a shot gun wedding and we had a great time although it was not a grand show by a long shot. After the wedding for the next few months i was walking on air feeling on top of the world like nothing could bring me down and then he came and it was the cream of my existance, the peak of my young adult life. I had a good job with a bright future, and my wife had an even greater prospect teaching at the college. But all good things must end and the end in this case came in the form of the Malaysian Bureaucracy, the Immigration Department in this case. Not wanting to go into it too much surfice to say we had to make a choise of staying or leaving and we opted to leave.
Thus after selling off whatever we could and saying good byes to good prospect vocations and some close friends and families we got two one way tickets on board the Air Cezchkoslovakia and flew all the way from Kuala Lumpur to New York and from New York to Green Bay, Wisconsin. It was one of the most uncomfortable trips i ever had as our son was not too happy with the flight and threw a fit almost all the way there so much so that I can almost say that I had walked across the Atlantic simply because that was what I was doing exactly carrying my son in my arms so that he stopped screaming. It became a joke with us later that Sam walked across the Atlantic to get to Green Bay. I did not minded at all as I was driven by the adrenalin of looking forward to being in the United States and whatever that laid there for me.
The most impressive thing about landing at the airport in New York and in dealing with customs and immigration was the fact that it wnet so smoothly that the only thing that was not in harmony was my son's screaming. I was waived over by an immigration officer and told that if i gave him the envelop I had in my hand he would give me tha card he held in his and that was the extent of my dealing with the immigration and when I got my card I was automatically a permanent resident of the United States barring the fact that I cannot vote or become involved in any anti-government activities, I am short of a full fleshed citizen with all the rights of a US citizen. I was moved to love and respect the country by this simple gesture from hence forth.
After a night spent in New York we flew to Autin Strobel Airport in Grenn bay, Wisconsin and it was the cold autumn sunless grey skies that greeted us upon our arrival. I was shocked by the leafless trees and the lack of colors all around me as we drove in my former mother in law's car from the airport to Duck Creek. When we got to Duck Creek I was struck with a sense of lose and forboding, I was scared of being in an unknown territory with no one to turn to except my wife and her family. For the first time I felt like I made a big mistake and there was no turning back, I might never see my home again and what am I going to do there? My mind was running helter skelter sketching the worse case scenarios it could of our bleak future in this cold and colorless place. To make matters worse we were informed by the Hospital authorities that our sone had contracted a kind of worm from the flight to Green Bay most probably from the milk he was provided and that we were all asked to be quarantined till the Health Authorities could be sure that we were safe to move about. The quarantine included my mother in law and my sister in law both had to take off from their respective works. So I spent my first few weeks of my arrival in green Bay indoors watching Gilligan's Island and Private Gommer Pyle reruns.
Off course my bummbed out feelings became contagious to the others and it made their lives i am sure as equally miserable especially my sister in law who was working for twelve hours a day at a paper company and often came home too tired to stand and my mother in law who had so much pains in her athritic feet which were often swollen. I would offer to massage their feets and hands whenever I had the chance to and this helped to build a bond between us as they thought it a little weird but great the fact that a man would offer to work on their feet and hands which is seldom heard of in their neck of the woods which by and large was considered a typical red neck country with me being the first few colored guys that had set feet in their midst, but being Beatrice's son in law made a difference I came to find out.

Ahh! Mono-Prints!!

For the past two days I Have been spending my time in the Printmaking studio at the University Sains Arts Faculty. On the first day I spent a few houyrs cleaning up the studio to make it presentable as a printmaking studio and later that evening after getting used to the tools and press available I pulled off ten prints oe mono-type. It was a great feeling to be able to lay my hands on the printing press and having the whole studio to myself. So far i have twelve pieces worth considering for my upcoming show and I hope to be able to produce at least fifty by the time I am through so that I can have a whole set of prints to complement my sketches for the exhibition.
The stretching of my larger canvasses is still put on hold by the guy who dos the job for the museum, his excuses being that he was loaded with work but does not seem too much in a hurry whenever I met him. I guesse if i can afford to slide him a few bucks it might help to speed up the process but as it is i am again walking on thin ice where money is concern. I am trying hard not to think too much on how to come up with my next rent or car payment on top of seeing through tis major art show in two months time but i cannot help feeling apprehensive about the whole predicament I am in. It would be a sin to throw in the towel and call it quits and even if i give in what would i do? All these years I have always did something else to pay my way through life rather than depend on my art maybe it is time to take the challenge and accept the fact that I have to give it all I've got and stop worrying about making it or not financially. I remeber my good friend George Berberis of San Jose, California, used to ell me that i would not make it on anything else in life but my talent if only i had the confidence enough. I also remember my friend and Tanto (Practice teacher) at the Zen Center in San Francisco who told me to stop my worries about money and being able to pay for my lodging and so on, he said that if i worry than everyone else worry too and they start asking questions. These are things that rubbles in my mind day in day out or my life and there seems to be no end to it, yet i have made it so far by hook or by crook I have I have survived to be 58 and though with not much to account for, I have still my good health and my Art.
My days are getting shorter and my options are running low, I have much yet to resolve where my children is concern especially where they will end up at the end of the day, here in Malaysia as Malaysians or back to the US as American citizens. I keep telling them to be ready to take the challenge for the inevitability of what could or would happen to them when shit hits the fence and I believe they are getting the hang of it with their future hanging in a balance of uncertainity. My wife, I have about forgotten about her and her sad fate. I try to replay our most beautiful moments in life and tried to find out where i wnet wrong, like perhaps we should not have come to this country and just stayed in Japan or even returned to the US when we could. But all that is tossed and gone, ifs and ands were pots and pans, should have, could have would have what good does it all bring me except more headaches and no solace.
At the end of the day let me do my printmaking while I still can and it nothing else it helps me to stay focus on my journey and meet my goals as an artist in Quest of The Universality.
I AM WHOLE,PERFECT, STRONG AND POWERFUL,
LOVING, COMPASSIONATE, HARMONIOUS AND HAPPY!!
I CAN DO WHAT I WILL TO DO,
InshaALLAH!!

Happy Birthday Bahari!

Headed for the USM Muzium this morning hoping to get something accomplshed, get some canvasse mounted or even some printmaking done but not much luck, its Sunday perhaps. To not let it be such a wasted tie driving all the way there i decided to reada little on the Art scenes at the small library corner od trhe museum and found an interview article with Redza Piyadasa, his views about the Art scene within and without the country. The interviewer did not have much proding to do and Piya let himself loose over the whole decadence of the local art and cultural scene due to the onslought of the West. A man who claims to have understood and admired the Japanese scene and a man who in his end of days larments over the lack of spirituality in the arts and cultural scene of this country, Piyadasa was true to himself in answering the questions, he was the epitomy of an oppotunistic manipulator only commonly found among western carpet beggars. When you have tot make a choice between good and bad right and wrong, when you draw a line segregating this from that you are not fit to claim as a spiritual adept of any culture much less the Japanese.
The Buddha is said to have said that 'right and wrong is a sicknees of one's own mind', Piyadasa was still trapped within his own dichotomized mind that was born and raised a non Muslim with a western education deeply rooted within his psyche. His love for the Western Art scene was to the point of obssesion and had earned him the gift of being an Art critic often gauging Malaysian Art by Western Standards untill more younger malaysians made it overseas to study and got to know what he was selling them first hand. Then Pia became the agnostic of wesstern art and the champion of the Asian Art especially when he was invited to become an advisor to the Japanese Museum or Fine Arts in Fukuoka, Japan. Everything swings Eastwards for Pia just like Dr. M, Pia abandoned all western for what the east has to offer and how like the former Prime Minister he easily forgot. Having spent most of my secondary school years being his student ansd latter keeping in touch with him everytime i return to this country I got to know Piyadasa quite closely often over a few beers. I have great respect for the man but not for what he claimed to be when it comes to being appointed as the spokesman for the Malaysian Art Scene. He was simply a great Malaysian Artist and an Art Educator.I told him so when he was alive and the result was that he chased me out of his home in Subang Jaya.
I went to an Art oppening for the artist Shahrul Anuar Shaari with Hasnul and his wife and daughter. The show was held at the Alpha Utara Gallery in downtown area of Church Street. There many local artists present at the show and I got to meet my good friend Rashid the Portrait painter. I also met Mr. Chew teng beng who is one of the most well known artist in Penang and who was at one time a friend of my oldest brother when he was teaching at the Sultan Sulaiman Secondary School, in Kuala Terengganu. Mr. Chew was surprised to meet me and finding out that I am 'Spike's brother. We talked about the printmaking studio at the USM and what a shameful state it is in and what should be done to bring it back to life. Present later was also Encik Rahman the assistant dean of the Art Faculty at USM who is also a keen printmaker and was at one time a student of Mr.Chew. The Print studio is ready for my use according to the professor in charge Encik Khizal who was also present at the show. All in all it was great that I made it to the oppening.
So it is my birthday today! How old am I! 58?59? Should i call my twin brother and wish him a Happy Birthday too? Naah! It would be too phoney and as far as I am concern the dye is cast and there was never a relationship between us that was positive. I hate living under his shadow but there is not much that I can do about it. It is part of the Divine Comedy in my life, the souce and spice that makes life a little more eggravating if not exciting. They say that blood is thicker than wine, what the hell do they know! It is sad that I have not much positive thoughts to share on this my Birthday, I wish there is some wise words some significant line that I could let out and make my day, I feel like I have lost a piece of me with the passing year of my life instead of gaining one more year.

Hiroshima Revisited

Arrived at the University Muzeum Gallery to find out that there was a ceremony which was just completed of presenting the Museum with a piece of the rock. In this case the slab of concrete came from a structure that barely survived the Hiroshima Atomic Bomb at the end of World War 2. The digniteries were leaving the building when I walked in and was in time to join in on the food and drinks, not bad timing for one who was humgry and trying to conserve on spending.
Did not accomplish much other than sat and talked with Encik Hasnul about getting my canvasses mounted by his assistants and told him to expect my transcripts from the University in Wisconsin via the Student Clearinghouse Agency. I hope all goes well and the papers get to him as I have need for them in order to start applying for any possible teaching jobs in this country. Discussed with Hasnul about the possibility of working in the printing studio at USM with the prospect of making it a teaching profession eventually, like becoming artist in residence. He agreed with the idea but was ambivalent about me getting it easily unless I talk to the Dean personally. The dean Encik Najib is not an easy guy to work with but I could try my luck.
My luck, just about everything I try to accomplish comes up against a wall of one form or another or so it seems and what is ironic is that the Dean Najib used to play golf with my twin brother and putting two and two together there goes my prospect. Oh well looking on the brighter side I have no problem of introducing myself into the Art circle's of who is who here as just about anyone I approach or introduced to I would be told who they thought I was and I would say Yeah its great to be living under your brother's shadow for sure! If nothing else it makes for a great non fiction story.

Prospects and possibilities

Went to the USM printing studio with the instructor who runs the satudio and dicussed the chances of my using the studio while at the same time be able to student teach in return. Not a bad idea to get something going on in the printing medium to add to my upcoming show as printmaking has always been my thing since the University of Wisconsin days, I fell in love with the medium. What better time coulkd this happen now that I am a lttle free with alot of time on my hand and not knowing what to do and what with the show coming up eventhough it still is two month from now.
I stopped by the Penang State Gallery to say hello to the Curator friend and was aked to apply for a time slot for my show next year so that o dont miss out and I did. I decided to do a show in April next year if it is possible but the time has no significance for me except that it gives me plenty ewnough time to get ready after the USM show.
Why the sudden need for shows? I know I can ill afford to create any new pieces much less hold a solo exhibition on a grand scale such as at the State Gallery or even the USM Muzeum Gallery! Well why not? What else is there to do other than not get depressed and keep looking for something just to stay afloat for the kids and I. Hell most of my life I have been avoiding making my artistic talents pay for me, I lack the self confidence in the fact that I can live solely as an artist and not have to depend on any other income to support my family. I have swallowed my pride, pandered my self esteem and dihumanized myself ever so often simply because I have never had any confidence as an artist and so it is time to put my foot down and take the bull be the horns, do or die I will get my act together and give the artworld the best that money can buy, I will become the best there is and there ever was. Geeze its great to be able to dream still at my age. Let them frown and let them laugh, who gives a shoot anymore I have done more than most in this alotted time in my life most of it cannot be valued in dollars and cents and hey the game is not over yet and as a matter of fact it is just beginning!

The Show Begins

This morning got all my sketchbooks together and delivered them to the Muzium Gallery at the University Sains Malaysia. Encik Hasnul the Muzium Director was not in , he is in KL. I left the books and some loose sketches with his helper encik Noordin who has been a great help and sopporter in the past when I had my HUMIND show at the ABN_AMRO Gallery. I told those present, the security personel and the sweeper looking at the transfer of hands of my works that I beleive in not wasting time in making things happen when they should instead of putting things off to the last minute and chewing my fingers for lack of time. All of these gentlemen were taken by value of my books especially their span of time and the places they cover in my life, it gave me a warm feeling.
I have a good feeling about this show already the fact that it will be a major show and might even be the last I can afford to have if nothing comes out of it in terms of financial benifits. I hate to think in these lines about my works but reality is hitting me left and right at the present moment and a little financial gain is a great help. My self esteem,(not that I have much these days) took a beating from my cousin brother Salleh who runs a succesful restaurant and catering business out of his mother's home and where my children have their free meals in the afternoon when they got home from school. Salleh asked me when I told him that I am no more working, what is my next move, and I told him I have the show in October to get ready for. He immediately got on his high chair and gave me the spill about what can I earn from doing Art and so on and I had no answer but to duck his attacks. I could have told him to screw himself had I been in a better financial position and remind him of the fact that his and my grandfather was an artist and but for this old man who painted for his life the two of us would not be sitting there nowwould he be using the very house tgat the damn useless artist had provided for and handed it to his mother who the old man's adopted child., which places my mother the true owner of the house if push comes to shove in who owns what in this dump! As the former Prime Ministe once said, Melayu mudah lupa! The Malays tends to forget easily. My cousin most probably is worried that me and my two children will become his unwonted dependants and not that I can blame him.
This is one of the very reason why this show in October will be the final cut so to speak for it either will pick me up and complete my journey or it will shatter every hopes and dreams that me and family's is riding on. Oh life will go on but hell to die a mediocre or worse yet a looser? All these years of my life I had believed in something I have lived my life as what I chose to do which has often been against the grain, always up river against the current, taking the roads and paths less travled, getting into circumstances where angels would not dare and only fools would thread, but I believed in myself. I believed in being special and my Creator had special intentions for me when Hu decided to squeezed me into my mother's womb alongside my twin brother. Hus had special reason for having me given away to be adopted and raised as a Buddhist for almost twelve years of my childhood life groing up in Sungai Pinang among my Muslim brothers and sisters and my cousins and relatives. My Lord must have a good reason for having me delivered back to my parents and brothers and sisters to be raised another twelve years of my life in the East coast state of Terengganu alongside my twin brother where our sibbling rivalry has cost such friction till this day that I cannot turn my face to him for any help in my times of need. My Maker must have a great sense of humour to make sure that I marry an American who was my twin brother's girlfriend and my not knowing it untill too late when my son was conceived and my relationship with my twin brother has gone from bad to worse. The AlMighty, indeed sow it fit that I leave this good Muslim country and my family and friends to live among the nonbelievers, America, Land of the Free and Home of the Brave where I became the devil's own. Yeesir!,,such Is, Such Is!
Today I found while rummaging through my sketchbooks and old book left to me by my friend and mentor the late Cikgu Yusof called, "The Removal of Cares" by the Great Sufi Master and Awlia Shaikh ABD AL-Qadir Al-Jilani (Jala Al-Khawatir) and for the umteenthtime I redread a few of the discourses in it to remiond myself of the warnings the great master had for guys like me in the afterlife!

"How can you expect to receive the Grace of Allah (AlMighty and Glorious is He), when you keep spending His blessings in acts of sinful disobedienc against Him? You will soon be reduced to begging, but no one will give you a handout, and you will end up living in the refuse dumps and sewers. It may be that death will come to you while you are in this sorry state, in which case you will accept it as a wholesome release from wretched misery"
Shaikh Kadir Al-Jilani
Jala Al-Khawatir

I am a true believer and this I am convinced beyond all doubts if ther is any sense of worth in my life or anything that I have discovered from this long journey that I have tried to record of my existance thus far it is this fact that I a true beleiver in the Lord AlMighty, Allah Subhana HuaTalla, The LOrd of Power and the Owner of the Day of Judgement. Yes I am afraid of what I might be facing with this profess of my belief after all these years of challenging every command and dictates of Hu's all because of my self deluded anger and egotistical ignorances but I believe in HU's Infinite Compassion for my deliverances and that of my two wives and children for they have all became Muslims at onetime or another in their lives as I am the witenss to this fact here and in the here after and let no man or woman deny this but fear the wrath of false accusation in the after life.
Hence when anyone decides to point a finger at this misbegotten sinner let him or her investigate thoroughly the finger that is pointing lest it be imperfect in itself. As the Great Master Sufi said,

""This world cannot last forever, but the hereafter will endure eternally. The pleasure of this world do not linger very long, but everlasting are the delights of the hereafter. The true believer(Mu'min) trades this world for the hereafter, and the creation (khalk) for the Creator (Khaliq)."
Shaikh Kadir Al-Jilani
The Removal of Cares

Singapore Amrican School

A gentleman friend I just met a week or two ago at the Penang jetty had promised me to look nto the possibility for me to teach at the Singapore American School and what a dream come true it would be if this could ever materialize. And what an added bonus to life if my two children being American citizens with a whole lot of citizenship problem ahead into their futre here could join this school, it is almost God sent, short of a miracle. How I would love to be able to evenrually share my years of learning experiences in life as an artist both in the East and the West just as I had once sketched the Cheeseburger Buddha in the effort trying to tie up two loose ends of a rope with tags at each ends saying East and West. The American School from what i have read in their website seems like the place of my dream where students from over fifty countries are gathered under one institution of education with one motive and that is to become the 'Global Citizen' and what better place can it be than at Singapore, the crossroad between East and West.
Well lets see what happens when I start getting the ball rolling, maybe there is a silver lining after all in what is going on with my life currently. However in the meantime I will have to hussle my butt and get going getting my artworks ready for the next big event which is the Solo Exhibition at the Univeristy Sains Muzium Gallery here in Penang which will happen in October. This will be another make it or break it show for me and I will not spare the guns in making sure that this show will scream out loud enough that even the die-hard aesthetically deaf and blind will turn their heads to ponder. I have half the mind to call it 'Zen and the Art of Living' and dedicate the show to my wife but will see how the Curator feels about such ideas.
The Muzium has alot of spaces to cover and so I will alot of work to do to fill up these huge walls and I am hoping to fill them up with black and white sketches on canvasses which will cost a fortune which again brings back to the old vicious circle of ya gotta have money to generate money no matter what you do. I dont see anyone for the present that I can turn to for some sort of sponsoreship but hey, who knows what can happen from now till then! As Pink Floyd would have said it, "And The Show Must Go onn!!"

Miseries comes in three...so they say

My car refuses to start for the first time since I bought it and so this morning eventhough I had a day off I could not send my son to school, Karim got lucky again an so he sleeps in instead. I have only ten ringgit in my wallet and that rules out getting my car fixed for now unless i go around begging for help from my cousins here. I had intended to go to a function at the USM where there is a sort of seminar for artists -resented free for artists at the Muzuem there but again my fortune eludes me. So here i am doing next to what I can think of as being a creative act instead of crying ove what is the inevitable. Payday and my final working day is not til next week Tuesday how I survive til then is in the handfs of my Maker the Giver of Pain and Pleasure to Whom I have submitted my destiny eversince I decided that my life has been a long chain of wasted events and episodes with no depth of truth worthy of an intelligent human, I was merely existing for the sake of filling space and time and have practically no control over my own fate, like tall grasses swaying to the breeze.
The horrors of not being gainly employed has already began to sink its claws into my heart as I sat this morning on the steps to my house and contemplate what next. I watched the same old ladies as they go about doing what they do to fill their time and space, my neighbours, I am beginning to see myself in them doing the same when all is said and done, waiting for death. As I have said before my mind has the tendency to see the worse of scenarios before they happen, its one of my negative traits among the many. It is one of those habits that I have for years been struggling to eliminate from my mind's database but has little success with. One of my practicess eversince I discovered it some twenty years ago is the art of auto-suggestion or a sort mental hypnosis whereby i will recite these lines to myself every night before bedtime and morning upon wakening.
"I am WHOLE, PERFECT,STRONG,POWERFUL,LOVING,COMPASSIONATE,HARMONIUOS and HAPPY AND I CANDO WHAT I WILL, INSH'ALLAH,(god WILLING). I added the last words just incase my ego gets the better of me. This practice came from a book I used to carry around with me called the "Master Key" by Frank Haarnel. It was loaned to me by my friend Rahim whem I was 19 years of age and I later took it with me to the US. The practice I held on to must have worked for me for better or for worse as my life has proven so over the years, I can safely say that I have lived beyond my wildest dreams often times for I have been to places and done those things that many would just dream about or watch others do on TV. I have met great teachers and made exciting friends who life had shed lights upon my own, I have experienced events that shook the entire cities like the San Frqncisco earthquake of 1989 and the the Sarin Gas attack of the underground subways of Tokyo by the AUM Shirinkyo Group in 1995, I watched the Makushin Volcano spewed dust into the skies of the Aleutian from a four sitter plane, I have experienced what it was like to fish for hHalibuts in the Berring Sea.
I have walked beneath the clear skies of the Andes Mountains of Colombia and Equador and I have celebrated the Gawai Hantu along with the Ibans of the Five tribes of Head humters of Borneo, drunk for three days and night from rice wine.
But today I am not feeling all that mighty anymore as I face my long time buddies the prophets of doom and gloom like monkeys riding on my back, like dead carcasses of the Albatros hanging like a curse around my neck. If I give in to these feelings sooner or later I will drown and I will drag all those around me to the bottom. My car not starting has set off my second bad luck since learning of the refusal to renew my contract at work what will be the third negative vibe that will seal my fate? I am WHOLE, PERFECT,STRONG....SO HELP ME, YA ALLAH!

All Good Shit Must Come to an End

Well I would have to say that loosing my job with JRS is not a total disaster as Ihave just about had enough of sitting around and playing with myself trying to figure out how to keep my body and mind busy despite the serene and tranquil environment I am located at. As anyone of my age would testify lossing the job and the prospect of finding another decent one would be short of a miracle and having two kids still in school and having to make sure that the rent and car patment are made monthly will all add up to what turns a man of good faith and intellect into a terrorist. Just about, as this is an ongoing investigation into the factors that spawn terrorists or rebels in answer to the former Prime Minister's question into this matter, like What makes a Terrorist? What pissed off every decent hard working caring and creative individual into a demon of high calibre? Well I have pondered upon my own life and reflected upon every episode of thus so far arse kicking events that have led myself into and I have come a little closer to the answer and it is not and has nothing to do with politics,religious fanaticism or socio-economic causes, it has to do with every one of these factors and then some.
At this age of mine it dont really matter one way or another how I end or where I end but I am sure not going to take all the crap thrown at me throughout my adult life with my hands tied behind my back. What makes a terrorist is one very angry man performing his last angry scream towards every injustice and uncaring and inconsiderate acts thrown against him by the Almighty Himself, not man but the bloody God, in whose image he was created. I cannot blame my felow man for all the wrong nor will I keep on whipping myself for the mistakes I have made throughout my life, but enough is enough, I have not walked the path climbed the mopuntains threaded the forest in vain to get where I am and like bloody hell if I am going to exit this existence with my tail between my legs. Yes this is what it takes to become a terrorist and then some now all one need is to find a cause.
Alright this is what a normal reaction of my mind whenever I am confronted with another major change in my life, it goes on a panic spin creating for iutself a worse case scenario and if I had been on drugs or have been having a drinking problem, the scenarion mightly like manifest itself into some pretty nasty, negative and even destructive act one scene one on the richter scale of human psyche. But being older though less wiser has its check and balance when it comes to making radical and unjustified moves that would affect your loved ones or those who look up to you for support. Even if one can impail one's soul onto the crucifix of mayhem one cannot deny those one has a hand in bringing into this life thier chance at gatting a better crack at this life. As one good friend once said, lets not sweat over the little things in life or turn every setback into cancer case and all things in life are little things.
So what the hell am I trying to tell myself ? Why am I rambbling away on this Friday morning while my children are in school and i have just had a good mee goreng for breakfast taken a good crap and now on my way to the University to see what I can gather in terms of getting my works on show? Yep! The show must go on... the only form of self justification left for verrifying my existence lest it be called wasted. They say its the road to the top that matters when one is climbing a mountain the top is just the end of a very long and tedious journey filled with surprises and disappointment, the journey and not the peak is the goal but the peak is conquered, the prize the end. For every journey there is a beginning and there is a middle and an ending, how excitng, how wonderful, how glorious the journey is, is entirely up to the traveller and the traveller who could turn every boring trip every negative episode every failiure into a success, into story worth reading is he whose life is well lived. Life is a blank canvasse ready to be filled with all the colors of the rainbow it is in how we apply the paint that is our style, that is how we live our life. No man can force us to use the colors we do not want to nor make us draw what is against our nature, no man can make us dream any different from what we have already envisioned in our minds, but it is for us to fill this canvasse with our own hands and creative juices, with our blood sweat and tears as we trudge towards the peak of our individaul existences.
I will scream my last scream when the time comes and it will rattle the mountains and raise the tsunamis, it will be heard far into the heavens and down into the sixth level of hell or call me not a man, created in the AlMighty's image.Damn if I am merely going to fade away from this life without leaving behind me my final cut!

False Pride

My experience meeting with the National Laureatte Artist, Dato' Syed Ahmad Jamal formerly the Director General of the National Gallery in Kuala Lumpur whose works I have seen here and there and whose life is pretty much obscure to me is very enlightening. The artist who inaugurated the opening of the Penang International Printmaking exhibition at the Dewan Seri Pinang or the the Penang National Art Gallery was it seemed to me a little exhausted physically and had a hard tome delivering his speach.
The show itself was a vewry good effort at trying to bring International Printmakers to the Malaysian Art scene as there was a good enough representation from all over the Globe with pieces that vareid from Woodcuts to modern graphical printing techniques that utilizes the computer dexterity with manipulating the printing medium to produce excellent prints that captures the imagination. But I still enjoy the subtle beauties founfd in the Litho prints and the etchings and aquatints. I di not see much of these and not a one drypoint or mezzotint. Most of the works I saw was not anything that I would consider as par excellent whether it was in the subject matter or the techniques used, I have seen master printers in my life at some of the most obscure places such as the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay , such works as done by Timothy Josephs nnd my mentor the late Mr. Clarry Nelson Cole. The intaglio prints of Clarry's works was among the International Collection of Prints from all over the world that was part of the Smithsonian collection being shown at major cities around the world. His works had such a surrealistic aura about them that they were almost spiritually alive. Clarry Nelson Cole was an Art proffessor from Sierra Leone who was teaching at the UWGB when I was attending the college. Clarry was made an honorary citizen of Texas for his exemplary dedication to print making.
Clarry opened my passion for printmaking and we would spend from morning till the closing time bent over our plates polishing, scrubbing, rocking and watching nervously as the plates were taking an acid bath or how they prints would turn out as we pulled it off the press. We were lost in our own worlds most of the the time leaving eachother alone as we stare into the grains or burrs on the surface of the copper plates after a good amount of the process of rocking the plate. I was most into mezzotint as I love the sense that I am working upon a field of gold as the burrs caused by the rocker blade was set ablazed against a candle light. I could see myself running in this field of blazen gold with my hands flung out and grazing the fine gold strands like I once did while running through a rice field when I was a child. To form an image on the plat one has to flatten those wreas that will reject the ink when ready for printing. In essence like most prinmaking processes one has to be good at drawing the images in reverse. The subletlest form of art is found is the process of printmaking where the printmaker and his process of creating the print becomes one and the print produced is testimonial to his acheivement of this one spiritedness between mind and matter.
I enjoy mono=type printmaking technique as it allows me to create freely without too much technical involvement that often makes it almost impossible to pour out my creative energy. Mono printing is a technique that is about the most basic form of printmaking which can be exploit for those who are impatient but totally and passionately involved with what he does...I am a very impatient creator. I was informed of this by one of the instructors at the Miyagi Art Museum in Sendai where I had spent almost three years engrossed into mostly printmaking and Japanese Black ink paintings on Hand made papers. These three years was about the peak of my creative endeavors throughout my life. I was most creatively alive when I was living in Japan and Printmaking was ozzing out of me that even my Japanese instructors were awed by it to allow me to use their facility freely with alot of help given if and whenever I needed. Most of my best pieces were given away to my nephews and nieces simplr because I could not afford to give them anything most expensive at least in fiscal terms. They may not value it as such but to me I gave them the best for safe keeping.
I saved yet some for myself to be brought here for any possiblitility of having a show someday at anyone of the Galleries here but Allah would not permit me my glory as they ended up being missing along with a few of my best acrylic and oil paintings. I felt the sadness and the anger at the loss when I discovered it but now I only am angry simply because they had not been able to be shred with others who aspire to become great prinmakers here in Malaysia, and Ye I am among the best in this country after having viewed what representation of an Internatinal prinmaking show is like to day I know deep down my loss of those pieces is not my loss alone. Those pices carried the information i had collected for the purpose of teaching others if and when I am given the opportunity to, but as I said earlier Allah has not given Hu's Grace on this.
Among my favorite printmakers down the Art Historical figures East and West are Goya and his Lithos, Durer' and his etchings, Dore' and Hokusai and Utamaro, Hamaguchi and Clarry Nelson Cole. Printmaking was what brought closest to my spiritual self, in prinmaking I touched the unknown n myself often at times when I least expect while in the process of preparing a plate or inking one, or while rubbing off the excess ink from the burrs of a mezzotint plate to reveal the outlines of the images to be exposed finally. In the silence of the studio or listening to the background music from a cheap radio or an insignificant converstaion going on across the room suddenly I am transported into another dimention when my blood becomes the ink and flows on to the plates spread otu evenly to cover its surface the I remove it slowly like I am wiping my tears of long time hidden sorrows lock within my soul a sense of release would settle over me after it was all completed and I would feel awaken like from a sleep and WALLA!! if it all goes well a print is brought into light.
Throughout my years in the US and in Japan I had printed hudreds if not thousands of prints as I sometimes ended sleeping in the print studios when the nights grew late and the time to close was up but due to some good friends like in the security guards, I was allowed to stay dack and left alone with my works. Most of my creations were given away to close friends and and benifectors who supported my lifestyle when I was too busy to take care of myself. As I said before I could not afford to give anything less than a piece of my soul created through the processes whatever I was working on at the time.

Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Mantainence

The book by David Persig about his motorcycle trip across the North-Central States of Minnesotta to Oregon and California is what has been my reading material for the past week and it has been not a very smooth reading as I have expected. The book is too deep into heavy analytical research over something as simple as the whole idea about 'Quality' sometimes is too boring for my shallow mind to follow. Although there is alot of well thought out ideas about the sense of what is Art and Science's relationship to eachother and how to approach the act of working on one self as one would approach on working on a motorcycle is a bit Zennish, I am a little bit disappointed perhaps because i got lost in all the author's ramblings and i was expecting to read something of the nature of his travels in relationship to his son. I had spent many times visiting the author's son's grave site at Green Gulch Farm located on a hill slope over looking the the highway at Star Route 1 in Sausalito Carlifornia. The site is also where Alan Watts has his grave marker next to Chris's. Chris was mugged and killed in San Francisco I was told if I was not mistaken he was sixteen or seventeen years of age then.
The scene at work does not look too good for I might be getting laid off next month if rumors has it were true. Offcourse my mind has already started spinning itself into a turmoil conjuring the worse of case scenarios if and when i am out of work. The reason I am told by one or two persons who was present at the meeting of department heads is that i am too old for the job and there are an abudant supply of young Indoneasian students who has just arrived from Bali who need something to occupy their time with. Life sucks they say but you cant go blaming the Indons for every job lost for the locals or the very minimal salary that an average Malysian gets as he has no bargaining power against the cheaper labor force provided by the foreign workers. Foreign workers keep their job as they do not question their bosses' integrity nor do they dare tell their bosses to take the job and shove it, foreign workers are like indented slaves who short of suck their bosses .... to keep their jobs. The system whereby the Resort hires students under the guise of them getting their practical training done here is a very lucrative venture that all resort operator should look into as it pays more than one way for the Operators. Its cheap and its makes perfect sense when you can get very young adults fresh out of college to do the jobs which normally would have been done by expensive and not so easily managed local workers. And the institution that sends their students to be 'trained ' would even be paying for the cost of training. But who gives a damn, so long as the ssystem works and everyone is happy why not? It will come to an end sometime when local Malaysian youths finds onedya that their jobopportunities is being syphoned from underneath their feet byt the smart operators or the fact that they lack all the basic training which they should have been afforded by the very people who manage these facilities. Where would an average Malay youth find a good training ground these days other than those run by the government? I am talking about a Malay youth and not a Malaysian youth.
It is pretty scary watching the scenario being laid out for the future of this country in terms of human conflict in the making and the former Prime minister is right we are presently still sitting on a time bomb and worse. Malaysia prides herself in the fact of being a multi-ethnic and multi-religious society only the number of different ethnic groups has double of trippled in the last decade to include the foreign workers from countries like Indonessia, Bangladesh, Burma, India and China, Vietnam and God knows where else or who else. We have a multi-ethnic time bomb slowly broiling under the veneer of our exitence and we are in a state of denial about such an ogre. I watched the TV one evening where a lady politician was lamenting about this issue and the fact that crimes and a host of other societal woes are being caused by the infusion of foreign workers into our own community over a very long period of time some of these froeign workers are settlers here and have grown roots deeper than anticipated. But we are a plural society and a tolerant one and hell, foreign labors is cheap and they dont ask too many stupid questions or not turn up for work whenver they wish, they dont talk back and they are able and available for anything and everything.
So one cannot blame foreign workers for loosing one's job opportunity they got to eat too and they are not the ones who decides if you should go or stay or if your children are trained to handle manual labors or not. When the time comes they will leave the country when or how, hell thats up to if and when the money runs out or the government crack down on them for whatever illegal activities they get themsdelves into till then why worry? Just move on look for another job after all this is your country there is plenty for you to do if not why would they need to hire more foreign workers? Blame it on your bosses! Enough said for now as it is let us see if we get censored or there is a knock on the door in the middle of the night.

APOCALYPTO

Funny how I thought all the while that the DVD I had borrowed from Isabel was the movie Apocalypse Now with Marlon Brando in it, the classic Vietnam war biproduct in the theaters. Well it turned out to be a pleasant surprise as my daughter was trying to convince me that it was not an old movie but a recent production and the directed by Mel Gibson no less. Off course I did not know this either untill the credits came after the movie. I was shocked to say the least and felt myself transported perhaps like Joseph Conrad, in the Heart of Darkness where horror and innocence coexist as a means of routine survival. From the movie I had a good glimpse of understanding the nature of 'fear' and how it can work for or against one.
The movie was very well done in every aspect of artistic as well technological production and the actors were real as realistic as can be, the movie was almost like an anthropological documentary of a native tribe of bygone era depicting the life of the Mayas or perhaps the Incas and their sacrificial rituals. What made such a strong impact upon me about the movie was that I was not prepared for it or I had no idea whatsoever to expect from the beginning, no preconceived idea what it was going to be about having assumed that it was a movie about the Vietnam War. Mel Gibson surpassed himself again like he did in 'Braveheart'. It is good to discover that nomatter how far into the teconological realm we have ventured to create an added dimension to our so called reality there is still the ability for someone to create out of the ordinary and make it a virtual living historical feature. The movie'300' was perhaps a little zealous in a politcal sense of the West domination over the East syndrome perhaps with the intention of collecting psychological mileage over the masses but the movie itself was quite well done in the millitary perspective where the few faced the multitude and brought the mighty monarch to his knees all because of pride and arrogance.

Fasting from smoking

This will be my third day of no cigarette and it is doing wonders to my head and not to mention the rest of my body. Perhaps it has nothing to do with smoking that my neck has a kink in it and I am having the dambdest pain in the neck. Oh well lets see how long I can go without smoking and what good does it do inside out,and thanks to the sales office PC I have been able to spend sometime writing and killing time which otherwise would have been devoted to simply sketching with pen and ink on recycle papers of two years ago Buffet Ramadan brochures. I started sketching on the back these brochures almost two years ago when I found out that the management was getting rid of a pile of untouched brochures which were no more valid as their function was over. The size and the quality of these papers were just good enough for me to scribble away to my hearts content and soon I found that I had a few hundred sketchings done of everything and anything that came across my visual taste to be sketched. At my first solo Exhibition at the ABN AMRO- USM Gallery in May of 2005 I displayed some 65 pieces of these sketches. A chinese docteor asked how much I would sell each and I told him 25Ringgit (RM) each and then he asked how much for the whole set and I told him I had to calculate which I found out about RM1200 worth. Th Doctor offered to 1000RM for the lot and did not hesitate to sell,now there is a Chinese doctor somewhere in town thw is a proud owner of some 60 odd pieces of Bahari's original sketches done on back of a recycled paper.
Oh well now the USM muzeum wants me to do a show at their premises too and possibly with the same theme and who knows they might be interested to own my works too. And so I am busy producing more sketches on the very same papers whatever is left of the same brochures for my next show at the USM. How I wish I could reproduce all the sketches on to this blog pages to make it more interesting for my readers if there is any out there. Too bad I am not savey in getting this done on my own as I am slow still when it comes to utilizing the computer I am still an ignoramus. I did try to get my works installed into the blog when I started off with the Ramblings while living in Kuala Terengganu and hanging out among a few computer whizzs at a syber cafe in Gong Badak area. After investing time and money in the project now I am still not any closer to getting a decent Web Page nor a decent blog, such Is! What happened? Oh well got to talk to the man himself if you want to know at the score is as he is the master when it comes to computers and programming them my friend Fazli Mubin had my vote of confidence and for three years I hung out with him hoping that I could get something out of his expertise to continue on my works into its next stage but alas! But hell I st8ill have faith in him and he is not going to up and disappeare from the face of the earth and even if he does he would still be visiting the Net every now and then and perhaps even pop into my blog and read this.!
When I started off with this blog it was with the idea that my art works would balnce off with my boring ramblings. My sketches and drawings, my paintings and photograph were to be a crucial part of the blog, after all this blog is all about an artist's life not merely of someone who wishes to offload his crap on a daily basis so the rest of the computer literate world can read it. My primary intention was to somehow share an experience of a life of an artist as he faces life's trials and tribulations and how it affects his sense of creativity at the same time or as the late Trungpa Rnpoche would have put it. how he churned all the crap he finds in his life and turned them into manure or food for his creations.
I have used every so often the analogy of the night soil carrier in the past depicting a philosphy of turning shit into money or food the ultimate in the recycling process, The night soil carrier in his daily vocation turning shit into wealth and health.

The Penang Bridge Run

Was reading John Le Carre's The constant Gardener while waiting for the roads to be opened again after the Marathon beridge Run. After wondering what the hell to do having left the house at seven this morning and not being able to get to the Ferry terminal I decided to hang out at my auntie's in Brown Gardens eat my roti canai and drank my Nescafe which I bought at Restoran Farouk on the corner of Patani Road ad the river never really had a name given to it for as long as I had known. It is about the most obnoxious smelling and blackest looking thing that I have ever come across and the smell has stayed with it since my childhood days. The whole stretch of this river that leads to the Sungai Pinang River is so polluted that only the thye hardiest of God's creatures survives in it. Over the years it seems to get worse and worse and only when it rains heavily and the river get a good amount of wash does it gets a respite from the filth and the smell.
Le Carre's book is getting the activist in me all fired up again alas I might be a wee bit too late to be affective as my age and resources has more than diminished and my resposibility towards my children is paramount so long as their immigration situation and schooling is not complete. I would love to be on the road again perhaps for the last entry of my journal to a foreign country but I see it as an unfulfilled dream these days. I am not good at being a father or homr maker I must admit I just dont have what it takes to be like all those good husbands who are able to build their nests and raise their young to become good citizens. I have been a rolling astone too long in my life and have gathered almost nothin that my shildren can benifit from other than my worthless art pieces that are slowly physicvally falling to pieces. I know i could have been more well off now had I focussed on making money or saving for that rainy days as I am experiencing right now when I was living abroad but as the Prophet is sadi to have said dont dwell on what should or should not have been... so I am content to just sit it out and wait till the roads are open again and head on to the Jerejak Jetty and hopefully i will not be reprimended for being late for work.

Riki-Kundalini

This morning i met an old friend who upon greeting asked if I believed in the inner powers of healing and so on. We proceeded to sit at the coffee shop close to my auntie's house and discussed the subject. I told him of my interest and how I just had a discussion with Hasnul at the USM Muzium Gallery a week earlier on a simmilar matter. My friend told me of his experience and of a teacher who has transfered to him the knowledge of how to harness such inner energy that would make it possible to do healing via inner powers. It would cost off course as it had cost him to acquire this knowledge. As we continued on with all the possibilites that can be achieved through the development of these energies through the process of what he called Riki/Kundalini methods I was less and less skeptical as it has always been one of the subjects of my intrest.
He proceeded to demonstrate his ability by purchasing a light bulb from a nearby shop[ and after a few minutes of focusing and concentration dropped it to the concrete floor several times with it not breaking. Although I was not totally convinced of his ability by this one simple demonstration I was was not totally skeptical of it either as I personally believe in such abilities from my earlier research and readings. As a Muslim my one concern is that it does involve any external beings or entities that could be the casue of such ability other than one's own innner strength and leaving it ultimately to Allah's Will to succeed or fail. The employment of other forms or entities as an aid or spiritual guide is taboo in Islam unless fully comprehended and in line with the teachings of the Prophets and Awlias or Saints of Allah. In this cases I consider one to be merely a conduit or medium for the process to take place.
All of us whether we realize it or not are inherently endowed with the abilities that sometimes boggles our own minds and the sciences. We are capable of doing extraordinary feats at times that defies the norm and logic. But most of us are either ignorant or have made no effort whatsoever to understand such God given gifts thinking ourselves as incapable or these acts of supernatural powers are beyond our will. There are those who persues these knowledges throughout their lives but are also unable to achieve the hoped for results due to one blockage or another. These self created 'fire walls' stops us from reaching our goals and sometimes never to realize them but only through knowledge and understading and not the practical reality or manifestations. These type of individuals would usually require a string teacher to open their locked doors and unveil their perceptons to be able to see through and beyond words and ideas. Most religions and cultures insist upon the need for a teacher or a spiritual guide in order for one to venture into the unknown.
However jaded one might be towards the subject in these days and age it is not a total waste for some to keep persuing and developing these capabilities as it might just be what is need for man to save himself from his own self destruction or carry him through these dark period of his history. Wars and deseases, climate changes and natural disasters, rape and murders are becoming an everyday occurences and we stand the chance of becoming comfortably numb from too much bombardments of these negative energies globally. Man needs to stay in touch with his inner being discover who or what he really is and locate his sense of ownership of this planet as written in the Holy scriptures... for man has been created as the Caliph of his environment, warden or keeper of his planet and all the is within and without seen and unseen. To loose touch with this gift is to loose control over his own sanity and the means to save the very thing that he has been alloted to care forand as a mateer of fact man ends up becoming the slave. Faith is not just worshipping One God or many it is the ability to transcend all that is and become what is that is the Lord over all creation. As it is despite our so called progress in becoming civilized and technological geniuses of the century we are closer to becoming worse than the worse of the Lord's creatures for we kill for the fun of killing destroy simply for the sake of being able to do so.. The power to create positively and with compassion for the benifit of the whole is slowly deminishing leaving us merely vicitms of our greed hate and dellusions. We are becoming self serving creatures at the expense of those we are dependant on us, we are abusing our God given rights and the intelligence that goes with it.
Wake UP!!

The Complete Enlightment

My daughter needs to do her homework at the CC and so here we are with me not even having a chance for a shower since i arrived home from work. It was a long tedious day at work with hardly any day trippers going into the resort what with the rain and it being a school day.
I have been doing alot of sketching for the past few days mostly reproductions of blak and white pictures that attracts my fancy and my caricatures. At the same time i am also rereading the " Complete Enlightenment" a Zen book by the Chan' Master Sheng Yen. It is a comentary on the Buddha's sutra which was said to have been based on his answers to questions raised by some of the foremost boddhisatvas regarding the understanding of and practices for the achievement of Complete Enlightenment. This writing and commentaries by the Chan Master is one of the most profound and easily understood of writings on the subject of Buddhism and in particular with regard to the the explainantion of a Zen teaching.
What i have learned and came to understand of Zen while living and practicing at the San Francisco Zen Center at Green Gulch and Tassajara Zen Mountain Retreat has been brought to clearer light. I found Zen to be the closest way I could accept about my life and the way I chose to live life. It is clear cut with no holds barred and it allows for one to make mistakes and feel free from too much guilt. It allows a man to be more human and yet tells him that at the end of the day there nothing to be excited about because it is all an illusion, life is an Illusion. The Buddha preached and thought this truth in every sermen he had given admonishing those who are ignorant enough to believe in the so called "self" that we all assume to be who we are. He demanded that we investigate and discover the Truth that liberates us from the bonds that this belive has held us through out our lives. He pointed out how we have become slaves on account of this misconception.
In Islam the whole idea of arriving at being empty or void is called 'Fana'" and this to me is not unlike what the Buddha has been trying to preach or make me see. I think the Prophet was said to have said that one has to die before one dies the physical death in oder to be reborn in this life. The Buddha simply wants us to wake up from our dreamstate of our ignorant life. Life is suffering only because we have been living in ignorance to the fact that we are asleep not knowing that our life is but a dream, we create this dreams albeit individually or collectively and dremas more than often has the tendency to turn into nightmares sooner or later and nightmares are what we are looking at in this day and age of ours. All over the world we kill and send millions into exile, destroy our environment wantonly like there is no tomorrow, we are full of greed, hate and dellusions. Sometimes this is achieved all in the name of an ideology or a belief system, an ism or a religion all in the name of the greater good that we beleive is good for ourselves but not for others.
Many of us believe in the Universal Creative Mind that governs all that we see and do but there is very few that actualize this creative acts in changing the course of our human fate and the Buddha and the Prophet of Islam were among the few who saw through this Mayavic life that we lead and the course it is leading us towards our own self destruction. Ironically the destruction of the self is what is prpofessed by the two great Souls but not in the manner of blind ignorance which causes more suffering than deliverance of beings from suffering. Oh well let me not get carried away with my thoughts and understanding on this subject as I am falling asleep right now and i hate to wake up with a nightmare.

What is happening with my Art

Payed a visit to the USM Muzium and had a talk with theMUzium Director Encik Hasnul with regard to what he has planned for my next show. Hasnul has over the years become a very close friend and I find him to be a very insightful and intelligent man whose artistic talent compliments his intellectual understanding. We discussed about the attempts of western mind in trying tro proof or disproof of the eastern mysticism through the use of advanced technological instruments and research methods. Telepathy and extrasensory perceptions, faith healings and the supernatural. This it seems is his present project and so I gave him my two cents worth on the topic giving him a little addition to his research in to the matter.
I told of the Carlos Castaneda's experimental and research into the healing methods of the Yaqui Indians of the Sonora desert in Mexico. The use of the Mescal a type of cactus extract to induce an altered state of conciousness whereby one is able to perceive the other dimensions existing parallel to our according to the Yaqui Indians and also the exploits of Antonin Artaud the French playwright and anthropologist who studied the Tarahumara Indios of the Tarahumara mountains of Mexico. I tried to impress upon him the effects of our own genetical makeups in so far as to allow us excess tinto our psychic abilities to penetrate the unseen in healing or being able to utilize the forces of nature in order to heal through the mind alone. This is a very deep and precariously dangerous field of study like becoming a Shaman. Not many has the ability or well equipped to embark upon such a venture into the unknown where the need for an 'Ally' to assist in the process of healing is necessary.
We both came to agree that the finality of the fact that one has to arrive at a stage of 'Fana' as in Arabic for void or seizing to exist of the ego has to be achieved before one can really harness the forces of nature in order to become a Shamanistic healer. Thus the need to get to know who you are and transcending this knowledge upon arrivcing at the answer is a prime focus of most healers for the ego is an impediment towrds achieving a direct connection between ourselves and that which we seek to join forces with. Meditation is one form of exercise whereby the state of 'emptiness' of being can be achived over a priod of time. In this state the mind is more receptive towards the subtle prescence of othe energy forms that exist alongside our own and through this sense of acute awareness we are able better to communicate or allign our energy to that which affects our healing process. We then can become a medium or conduit for these existing enrgies to utilize our physical form and execute the healing activities that is required to be carried out physiccaly.
Ultimately there is only One Healer and The AlMighty Healer is the Lord and Creator of all healers without Hu's blessing a healing process is impossible. But Allah (God) demands that man initiate and act upon the process to the best of his ability with thorough understanding of the elements involved before Hu intervenes, (Ikhtiar).
Thus the process of understanding of who we are becomes paramount in the effort to become a true healer in the traditional way like that of the Shaman or the dukun or bomoh or better known in the west as the witch doctor. Modern day technological advancement has practically obliterated this process by introducing the machines and equipments,the drugs and therapies which takes the place of the human psychic abilities. The trust in our latent abilities as humans has been thrown into the closet to be hidden from our future generations, they have become the skeletons in the closset. That knowledge which our forefathers had survived with throughout our human history has become invalid, a superstitious enterprise born of ignorance. The west has replced it with modern technology where the use of drugs has replaced the use of the human mind itself where the will power that we are endowed with has been replaced with a surrender to the hands of surgeons and scapels. Today there is more neorotics and psychos running around the planet than there ever was because we have become dependant upon themental health institutions and the shrinks who often times has no time nor the financial capability to cope with the ever growing number of schizoids and displaced entities in the world. Every symptoms has to be rationalized in the scientific manner and meet the scientific equations or rationally and logically explained. Anything that is beyond the scope of modern day medicine is considered incurable or subject to more research.

So what is the plan for my art show I finally asked him and Hasnul offered me a show in August and three blank wall in the Muzium to be filled with my sketchings and drawing in the meantime.

Pirates Of the Caribean

Having gone to see Pirates of the Caribbean one and two with my two children at the theaters the third will have to follow sooth. We also have gone to the Spider onw tqo and three together and the X-Men series it is becoming the Bahari family tradition here in Penang. It is not the best of quality times one spends with the kids but it will have to do for now.
I enjoy goinbg to the movies for as long as I can remember starting with the Hindi movies that i used to go to with my father and mother while growing up in Penang. I loved to old black and white classical Hindi filems especially those that depicted ancient KIngs and Kingdoms, the epic stories like the Ramayana and the Mahabarata which sometimes lasted for more than three hours long. My imagination was enriched at a very early age by these classics and later when I was living in Terengganu my taste for movies switched from Hindi to Chinese and Japanese movies. My oldest brother would take my twin brother and I to the early Chinese Kungfu type movies where there was alot of swords ang guts spilling all over the place by the end of each movies. Later on along came the Japanese movies like Zatoichi, Yhe Blind Swordsman and Kurosawa's black and white classics like Yojimbo, THe Seven Samurais and The Forty Ronins. Along with these Asian movies was the early Clint Eastwood cowboy series like A fistfull of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More and the The Good, The Bad and the Ugly and so on. These were the movies that I never missed when I was growqing up in Kuala Terengganu, what else was there to do otherwise for a teenager growing up where the only source of entertainment was the Theaters.
Today the movies has moved into a whole new dimension with the latest in computer animation technology movies has become almost a virtual reality where anything and everything is possible with the manipulation of the cinimatograhics. I tremendously enjoy the latest of the Marvel Productions series like Spiderman, Batman, Superman and the X-Men, the Fantastic Four and so on. My oldest used to buy Marvel Comics eversince these series were first introduced, if we had kept his collections of the DC Comics till this date it would be worth a fortune. Thanks to him we, my twin and I were exposed at a very early age to some of the first ever issues of these movie character like the Incredible HUlk when he firts joined the Marvel Comics.All these happened in the early sixties when my oldest brother was teaching at Sultan Sulaiman Secondary School in Kuala Terengganu. He had made a great impact in my growing up as a teenager not only in his taste for comics but also the Play Boy magazine and Jazz albums, the Erotica collections he had hidden in two suitcases under his bed and most of all the way he had carried himself as a teacher feared and respected by students and peers alike.
It was also through my brother that I developed the love to read and till this day I am hooked to reading and at present i am reading a novel by Irving Wallace, The Three Sirens. Just finished The Fourth Estate by Jeffery Archer. My twin and I are forever indebted to our eldest for his wisdom and farsightedness in the manner he had raised us for if not for him I would not be sitting here writing these words.
Reading good novels for me is a form of transportation that tkes me to places that i only could dream of and I have gone many of these places in my real life afte i have read about them and fermented their imges in my heart with the desire that one day I would be there where the authors have been describing. The Characters in the novels are people that I see in my life and wondered what they were like, what their dreams and aspirations were and where and what they had done that is different from me, there is so much to do to touch to taste to experience in life and only through the vivid imagination os great writers and one's personal commitment to read and enjoy reading that one can reach the sight of the impossible, the vastness of humanity.
Movies helps one to mayerialize the written words and it take the imaginative and creative minds of the artist to render words into images.

What's up with all my kids...

Today is my day off, its Thursday the 31st. still now money in the bank the pay cheque is not being okeyed yet. Tough shit! I am spending my time at Dah's house, my late friend Rahim's wife who gave my something for my gastric disorder causing a good amount of pain in my chest especiually on the right hand side. I have the ominous feeling that I might at last be finding out the beginning of the final cause of my own death. This pain is a little bit different from those in the past in the same area and more acute bnut I hve to just confirm my fears with the doctors one of these days I guese.
I got an email from my number one son at last telling me a whole lot more than he normally would if and when he writes. I am very proud to know that he has made it through his training to become a captain for a commercial Airline in the US although at the cost of an exzorbitant amount of US200,000 for his educational fees. I only hope that hius salary in the next few years can keep him alive while at the same time be able to keep the loan sharks off his doorsteps. My son I am proud to say has his head glued well to his shoulders and now that he is beyond my worries I feel blessed to the fact that Allah has been kind and generous to him and me, he could have turned out alot worse but he thanks to his Mom primarily he has become a success.
My second boy I have not heard from for quite sometime now, perhaps hiding under a stone somewhere smoking that whacky tobacky with his buddies out on the Swiss Alps somewhere clouds hidden whereabouts unknown. Well to eahc his own as the route to 'Reality' is as many as there sentient beings on this face of the earth. He is not a very happy camper nope, but he has his excuses all legitimate beginning with my error making him an illegitimate child. I hope to the Alight that one day I get to see him despite the fact that he take a slug at me in the process and ot to mention my having to justify this error of mine before the High and Mighty and hope for Hu's compassion. Well whatever he is up to I do hope that it is always positive creative and not wallowing in self pity and anger. If he ever reads this I hope that he knows I love him regardless.
My third sone was still in bed when I left this morning with his younger sister sleeping on the floor next to our be, they are on vacation and were out late last night. I took them to "Pirates of The Caribean 3" and came home late. We saw all three movies together the one, two and three just as we did 'Spider Man. and the 'X-Men', it is kind of family thing at the movies. My son has been sleeping over at his friend's house alot lately and comes home on my off days to be with me and had I got my salary in the bank today I would have taken both of them shopping for their daily needs, but as it is not tobe so I rather take it easy and do what it is that I can do that does not cost any and yet more productive in the long run which is continue on with my efforts in recording my life for their posterity.
My daughter is the most sensitive and a deep thinker and most probably carries my genetical make up in her behaviours. She now is hooked on reading and and we discuss life at a more adult level with me trying to make her understand what I have come to conclusion about life itslef, my beliefs and my philosophies, my likes and dislikes my actions and intuitions, my strength and weaknesses.She is more perceptive of every move and every feeling I have by watching me closely studying my moods and actions. She, like all her brothers seems to have intelligence where it matters.
May the Al Mighty forgive me for all my errors and weaknesses in the past and especailly those that has affected my children's lives in one form or another and may Hu protect them take them into Hu's care to become at the end of their days good Muslims by choice not by force. I can only shae my thoughts and feelings with them and it is impossible for me to undo what has been done in the past I can only give them food for their thoughts through my exposure of my own perceptios and conciousness, my experiences and failures.

Those who really cares in your life

My elder sister came for a visit and left a couple of days ago. I have two sisters and she is the older one. her husband passed away saveral years ago he was the guy who set up a bakery shop, one of the few original ones in Kuala Terengganu and was originally from Islamabad in Northern India. My sister is one of those peopl in my life that has been most supportive and compassionate towards my family eversince we came to this country from Japan.
Today although with the departure of her husband she has found a little peace and time on her hand she is however still carrying a few dead albatroses hanging on her back and one of them is my drug addicted nephew whose bad choise of lifestyle had caused untold miseries for my sister and most probably contributed greatly towards his father's demise. The state government is requisition part of the land where her house stands to make way for the highway and is squeezing every cent they could from the actual cost of reimbursement or compensation for the land. These are a few of the things that she has to deal with before she too join her husband and i can see that if she has the choice she would have quit this life herself for all that it is worth.
A friend of mine and artist in San Francisco is sending me some art materials simply because he is an artist who saw my works and loved them for what they were and for the past twenty odd years he has kept knocking on my door to make sure that i am still sketching and painting. Richard S. is a great artist in his own right in the San Francisco Bay Area and has a heart of gold to boot. We were neighbors sometime in the early Nineties living on 2nd Avenue and Balboa in the Richmond District of SF. Richard in my book is one of the best Illustrator and a very disciplined artist who knows what he wants and where his talents lies. As he very much picks and chooses his friends I am very fortunate to have met and made his acquaitences over the years.
There ar a few people in my life who are still of keeping in touch with me through the Net from SF and Sendai in japan and they are like my extended family, the brothers and sisters I never had. Tomy Nagai Roeth and family and Emi Yanagisawa and family, Masaharu Tsubaki and family, Mohammad Rafi and family in Kuala Terengganu and Raof Rakinan and family in Kuala Lumpur to name a few. Our lives has touched eachother's in more than one ways and we have shared both the happy and sad times the good and the bad times and we have watched our children grow while we join the ranks of the elderly. All in all I must say that I have had some great times in my life and dare say too that more so than most in the United States and Japn and here in Malaysia but without the love and care of the few who mattered it would not have been possible.
I write today for those whose lives has touched mine and mine theirs for better or for worse.

What's Up with Work?

The Jerejak Resort and SPA is a phenomenal place to be working at and at the moment the resort is trying very hard to stay afloat and sometimes it feels like the whole Jerejak island might just sink into the ocean just from the shere weight of debts that is owed. Today the TNB has come to cut off the electric supply as the Resort owes some 26K of electric bill for this month and back dated accounts. The old fart whole delivers this bad tidings seems to enjoy his work as I see hime just about every other month. He acts as though he owns the Electric company and he is God AlMioghty when it comes to shutting off the power supply to any who cannot afford to pay up their bills. I wqould have told him off a thing or two had it not been for the fact that I might make matters worse for the Resort and not to mention myself.
The new Resort Manager is slowly beginning to show his true character and it is not what i would call a great character to run a Resort. He may be talented in managing money but I have my doubts about his ability to bring the place to life. Needless to say I am about had it with working under such hopeless condition where there is no sense of direction or collective cohesiveness to make things work. It seems like everyone has their own mission to accomplish but no one mission is common to all. There is no management credo and things are done like one is running a liquor store instead of a 4Star Resort.
Oh well what can i say without jeopardizing myself if I say too much about my own employer so enough said. At my age there is not much out there that I can do except go on my own and going on my as an artist has not been too much of a success in the past. What is holding me back I cannot pinpoint but it seems like when it comes to selling my works i fail miserably. The one thing great about being an artist is that I am still able to draw or create regardless if i sell or not and ther is always the hope that one day ha! One day! If only that day is around the corner hell i could sure use it to get me out of this rut that i am in before it is too late.
The advantage of woreking at the ferry terminal where i am at is the fact that it allows me plenty of time to do my own thing in between ferry schedules. I have been able to do alot of reading and drawing without being interupted and in a perfect environment where the sea and the island is part of the landscape around me. The guys i work with at the jetty are pretty laid bakc sometimes too laid back but hey what else can they do when there is not much to do. My helper is aNepalese I call Lil Bahadur! although that is not exactly his name. He is addicted to the four digit lottery and a few days ago won two five hundred on a winning numbers. He is hard working and has a respect for me like a good right hand man that I can trust. Then there is the security man whop moves slow and is often fast asleep in the guard booth. He is okey once you know his game when it comes to work.
Well it is work and it keeps me and the kids still in the picture day to day what more can i ask for considering what I have lived through all these years and the places I have been things i have seen and experienced most that money cant buy. So for now I will abide what is there in front of me and keep on working at it and hope for the next big wave to ride out with.

Good bye my friend Cikgu Yusof Ali

On the third of may I lost my friend Cikgu Yusof who passed away in the aftenoon on my day off after three months or so of non stop coughing. His departure was a great loss to me as I have become very close to him as a friend and a mentor. He has seen me through many difficult times and through his compassion has delivered me from many a despairing moment since I setteld down in Penang. Cikgu was a character in his own right with a great sense of humor and a sharp tounge when it comes to defending his thoughts and ideas against those who are skeptics. He was a scholar and may be considered even a teu Sufi adept if not a teacher for most of his life he has been a spiritual seeker and travled to many places in search for answers to the myteries of the Lord of Creation. He introduced me to the path towards the Lord of Power through long discussions often taking us into the wee mornings hours. He introduced me to books that I would not have studied had I not met him books of great Sufi Masters such as Ibni Arabi and Sheikh Kadir Al Jilani and today's contemporary Islamic writer Ahmed Hulusi.
All his life Cikgu has been a school teacher among other odd jobs that he had mentioned, but it is as a school teacher that the community here will remember him and a s an incorigible social critic when the need arise. I had traveled with him all over the State of Kedah sometimes in the middle of the night just visiting friends or getting a massage. Meeting another spiritual seeker or simply enjoying the best Tom Yam soup in the Northern states of Malaysia. Wherever we went he was well respected by those who knows him and people seek his advice which he freely offers over matters they cannot find solutions to.
Well here's to you me good friend and brother I hope your find what you have been seeking after all your life and how i wish you could let me in on the secret sometime whatever it is that you have discovered on the other side of the veil. May you find the crossing of the Sirat'l Mustaqin an easy breeze and may the Lord of Truth receive you to be among his favourites for you in your own ways have surely deserved it. I will miss you.

Addiction is the 'Pain in us"

Why am I writing this to myself? Well perhaps it is another phase of my repentance and redemption, yet another piece of my justification for all the failures that has plagued my life thus far.
I am an addict and has always been eversince I can remamber. I have been an addict to one form of drug or another one form of sexual deviation or another one form of 'bad habit or another in my life and has not been able to shake off one or two of the deep rooted ones.My addiction to drugs in the past has caused me a relationship or two includung my first marriage and the loss of my first son in the process for custody. I can try to justify all the conditions that had led me into these situations but none of them would bring me back the love and respect of my former wife nor would it bring back the many lost years i could have spent raising my son. I was an alcoholic and also a heavy Marijuana user when I was living in Wisconsin and while working as a Meat cutter at the Packing houses in Green Bay and Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The fact that I was living in such an adverse condition having to face a new life in a new environment and trying to raise my son may play a part contributing towards my succumbing to the bad habits that I took on. Ten to twelve hours a day standing and boning on the packing line in a 45% temperature atmostphere was not exactly a healthy environment for even the tough hearted much less for a Malay kid who found himself in the thick of the the Wisconsin winter at the age of 25 trying to make sense of his life with an American wife and a four month old baby. But it is all still justifications and they will remain as such as they are no good excuses for my weaknesses.
I took to drinking like fish take to water once I acquired the taste for good wine and overcame the guilt trip of being a Muslim and so on. I had the money and the company and through hanging out at the taverns and bars made some real good friends as drinkers often are once they had drunk under the table with you. I learned that I can trust my drinking buddy more than I can trust my lawyer or doctor friends who never touch a bad habit. I found that I can expose my feelings without reservations when I was drunk and listen with genuine sympathetic heart to my buddies when they relate their inner mind to me.At the end of the evening when all the drinking is done and the bar tender calls for the last round, I will stagger out of the door into the Wisconsin cold feeling empty and relieved of all my trials and tribulations as I put on my auto pilot and and make a perfect beeline to my bed wherever it may be back then. I often woke up the next morning not remebering how I got home and got myself into bed with all the snow out there and and the winter cloaths I had on it was always a miracle to find myself waking up in my own bed.
I realized that i was walking the footsteps of my Grandfather and and my father into becoming a lifetime alcoholic and things become more obvious when your loved ones and close friends starts to call you one or remind you politely to give up while you still can. But Wisconsin was and perhaps still is a beer country and Milwaukee was and perhaps still is the beer capital of the world, while in Rome... well the rest is history. Waking up the next morning and looking into the mirror at yourself is the most hardest part of being a drinker and compound that with a nasty hangover for having mixed the wrong drinks the night before and you wish you had not been born. It was strange how just one more beer added would disslove all the bad and negative feelings you hae towards the guy in the mirror or you nagging headache. Breakfast of the champions! just one more for the road.
My drinking habit gathered momentum when I was divorced with my first wife and lost the custody of my child, a darn good excuse by all Wisconsin drinkers' standard. Women walked in and out of my life some I dont even remember their face much less their names. I often found myself waking up in their beds and feeling like now what am I going to do next? Say hi and bye? or lets go for breakfast or what the hell am I doing with my life, or theirs? Then hey it was fun right? We both balled ouselves till there wast no more balling to do and we both wake up with the same feeling or having had a good time the night through and why the regrets? Get the hell out of bed and take a good shower and if you are lucky you might get one last balling for the road!
Yes the life of an artist and an alcoholic, I have walked it crawled it and even got kicked around because of it but what have I learned? Many, many a thing that an average normal Malysian do gooder would never ever dream of learning or experiencing in the confines of their comfortable homes and careers and religious sanctimonies. I learned about relationships and trusts that transcends barriers of race and religions, that transcends the charade we call truth or beauty, sins or decadence. I found life at its raw unadulterated state where men and women bare themselves to the bones of their feelings and compassion towards one another as can rarely be witnessed when sober. I have seen masks torn to shreds off faces that once were the epitomy of sanctity and itegrity into that of a common hungry vermin just looking for another victim to prey upon. I am perhaps again at my justifying game again! But hell how would any one know or give a damn about unless they have been up the same alley as I have been or many like me who walkes the main streets of Green bay and Melwaukee bar hopping through the cold Wisconsin nights.
All my years in the United States (21 years) I had maintined a drinking habit although it slowed down as I settled down down in California and where I met my present wife and had two kids. Today sitting here in the Cafe I can safely say that I have kicked the habit but i am not a teetoteller by long shot as i enjoy a drink or two every once in a awhile at least the sense of being able to tear this mask that I am weraing for whatever it is worth and see what lies behind these fasade that I am assumig that is who I am or trying to become, just another brick in the wall, or a Jaded mandarin. I do not apologize for my grandfather or my father nor for myself for being an alcoholic I only apologize when it became an inconvenience to others. I apologize for my bad breath when it touches their sensitive olfactory lobes and my bad and often devil may care language when I express myself under the influence. This is one bad habit or aaddiction I am however glad to be able to put behind me and be able to reflect upon when sanity in these days and age seems to become a confuse state of mind for me so much so that I have a hard time distinguishing the difference anymore.

Where have I been hiding?

Today I am writing just because I feel like there is not much else that i can do with myself opr the situation that I am in. My son is at his cousin's home most probably watching TV while his sister is in Brown Gardens with her cousins selling burger at the burger stand in front of my late uncle's house. I have just got here at the cafe after work and decided to check the mail, found one from Ayu in New York a forwarded letter about making sure to wash all new garments upion purchasing them or else suffer the consequences and from the look of the picture that accompanied the mail it is definitely not something i would want eating away at my balls! It is a picture of a woman's breast being eaten away by a bunch of humongous parasites from the inside and it looked like some horror show.
What happening at the Jerejak Resort and SPA? Well the resort Manager is no more with us and there is a new one in his place, my Lord as much as I hate to see him leave I am relieved that he is no more with us. I have worked with all kinds in my life and to date I have yet to work under such an egotistical dickhead! I once told him to take the job and shove it but I had to return simply because I could not risk unemployment at the time and I am glad I did swallow my pride and anger today as i out lasted him at the place.
The Penang State Gallery had an exhibition opening on the third of this month launching the Directory for Artists in Penang and the northern region, I am one among some 140. The piece I entered is my favourite called "Flight of The Soul" a 5'x5' painting in oil and Acrylic. The show itself is called the "Artist's Favourite" exhibition.I am still reeling from the cost of framing the painting and having to pay for the book itself, to make it more intresting on my Artist Profile write out the publishers mistook San Francisco to be in Canada instead of the USA! A dinner was held on the fifth for which again I had to pay fifty bucks and which I did not make it to simply because I forgot about it. What a bummer!
Noe my present New Boss is keen on helping me through his wife to get me have an exhibityion at the national Gallery in Kuala Lumpur. Perhaps this is it, but I hate to keeping such high hopes about my art work these days, it seems like I am destined not to see the limelight or the financial returns as far as Art is concern. Tried as I amy I seem to end up hitting a wall or walking into a blind alley. Off course it does not mean that I am giving up on being creative as creativity is a part of my God given nature, it is a talent I inherited from my Grand father and my father and they too died practically paupers having abandoned their own families to start new lives as Artists in a foreign land. I wish I could step back in time to discover where my ancestors on my Grandfather's side or even my father's side were like. All I know is that they are from Sri Lanka which in the old days went by the name of Ceylon. They were Buddhists before they came and met their respective wives and were converted to Islam by marriage. My Grandfather met his wife in Medan, Indonesia where he was travelling with a theaterical group known as the 'Bangsawan', he was the artist or prop designer.
My Grandfather's name was Paul Mariano before he was converted to Islam in Medan upon marrying a cousin sister of the then Sultan of Medan who it was said was his drinking buddy. My grandfather was a drinker and he drank his health and wealth away like all great Artists. He and my grandmother escaped to Penang from the late Presdient Soekarno's pogrom of Indonesia's minor rulers or sultans and their entire families. I am of a royal blood at least half of it if I care to dwell on such claims for whatever good it would do me today and I have a disdain for royalties as they to me are not any better than parasites living off the nation. Then again, the nation deserves to be lived off as it has yet to evolve out of this subservient mentality not unlike the one one left behind by the colonizers, the colonial mentality.
I better get off from criticizing my sovereign rulers before I get myself into a situation that would make life more miserable than it already is. Let sleeping dogs lie, if everyone is happy paying other to rule them why not? As far as parasites goes they are found everywhere aLTHOUGH MOST ARE NOT VISIBLE JUST LIKE THOSE THAT WERE DISCOVERED INSIDE OF THE LADIES'S BREAST.