The Journey to the Lord of Power Revisited – 20/12/2009
For two days now, I’ve been working my body to the ground, and now I feel the aches and pains like never before. The worst is like a tennis elbow—or as a friend mentioned, perhaps it’s osteoarthritis setting in. Man, I could really use a good massage and a sauna right about now!
Is this the process of aging? Some things, you just cannot hold back—not even with meditation, prayer, contemplation, or exercise. When the time comes, it comes. It’s not a good feeling, this creeping sense of defeat so early in the game. I still have so much left undone, so many seeds planted long ago, consciously or unconsciously, waiting to bear fruit.
I first got the notion that life was an experiment from reading Mahatma Gandhi. It became a personal mantra.
On Freedom, Habit, and the Nature of Action
“Control in any form is harmful to total understanding... Habit destroys freedom; habit of thought, habit of drinking, and so on make for a superficial and dull life. Organized religion... denies the open entry into the vastness of mind.”
— J. Krishnamurti, Bombay 1958
“Life itself is action, endless action that has no beginning and no end... But we reduce the vast action of life to our own petty little actions and ask what we should do.”
— Krishnamurti
The Power of Autosuggestion
Whatever happened to the affirmations I’ve been imprinting on my mind since I was a teenager?
“I am Whole, Perfect, Strong, Powerful, Loving, Compassionate, Harmonious, and Happy... and I can do what I will to do! In Sha'Allah!”
Has it taken root after sixty-odd years? Have I succeeded or failed? Who is it that judges? Who observes and who concludes?
Family, Faith, and Forgiveness
One of my deep regrets is the lack of rapport with my two remaining brothers. Each holds an axe of resentment against me, perhaps justified in their eyes. Even their children treat me with disdain, as though qualified to do so.
Still, I made the effort. On the third day of Aidil Adha, I brought my daughter along and went to seek forgiveness. A Muslim thing to do. Part of me resisted—my ego said, “Forget it.” But I had the feeling that one of us may soon meet his Maker.
I sought counsel from my good friend Mamu at Farouk Coffee Shop, and informed my sisters and cousins of my intent. I met my eldest brother and apologized. He said simply, “You disappointed me.” My twin brother was out playing golf. His wife, upon meeting me, told me I should go to Mecca, for I am a sinner. Perhaps she is right.
A Decade of Struggles and Triumphs
My two youngest children are now finally Malaysian citizens. That alone should count for something. I don’t have to deal with Immigration anymore—except maybe for renewing passports. The road to this success was filled with struggle, accidents, and verbal abuse from border officers. But it’s done. Alhamdulillah.
Yet I still feel in limbo with my faith. I am not the best Muslim. I struggle to pray five times a day. I have no right to force my children to practice what I cannot do with conviction. But what I do know, and now declare:
I believe in and love Allah, and only Allah, as my Creator, Lord, and Master.
Not from fear of Hell or love of Heaven.
Not because my family or community says so.
But because my soul, after decades of seeking, now knows this to be true.
Let this be my profession, witnessed by all who read this.
Love and Loss
My wife passed away in the prime of her life. I miss her deeply. I may not have shown her enough affection, but I understood her, and she me. I was married twice. I loved both my wives, even if my first marriage didn’t last. From that union came my firstborn, now a pilot with Emirates. A source of pride.
Was I a good husband? Perhaps not. I had no role model. I made my mistakes. But I stayed true to my path of exploring life and making sense of its chaos.
Have I Failed?
I once asked my cousin Jamie over dinner in Bukit Beruntong, while waiting for my car to be repaired after an accident, “Have I failed in life?”
She answered: “Yes and no.”
I’ve raised two teenagers on my own without a stable job or home. Yet I’ve little property or inheritance to show for it, which perhaps makes me a disappointment to some relatives. I’ve lived 21 years in the United States, traveled through South America and Europe, lived three years in Japan, and raised my kids in Malaysia. Is that not a form of success?
I’ve held three solo art exhibitions in Penang’s most prestigious galleries—rare for a Malay artist in this city. I’ve etched my name, however lightly, into the record books of the Northern art scene.
The Final Frontier: The Inner Self
So what is lacking? What does it mean to be content as a man?
Is it cars, bungalows, or multiple wives? Or is it spiritual peace?
I realize now that my spiritual growth is still in its infancy. My mind, my soul, is still fragmented. A splintered soul seeking to become whole. I run up against emotional walls, twisted karmas, ancient griefs, delusions—especially delusions.
I have spent most of my life trying to help others, making sure the world around me is cared for. But now… it is time to turn inward. Like I once did in the Zen monastery. I must go deeper into the soul. That is where the true Lord of Power resides.
And to Him, I now return.
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