I am Regressing..

“My right hand has written all the poems that I have composed. My left hand has not written a single poem. But my right hand does not think, ‘Left Hand, you are good for nothing.’ My right hand does not have a superiority complex. That is why it is very happy. My left hand does not have any complex at all. In my two hands there is the kind of wisdom called the wisdom of nondiscrimination. One day I was hammering a nail and my right hand was not very accurate and instead of pounding on the nail it pounded on my finger. It put the hammer down and took care of my left hand in a very tender way, as if it were taking care of itself. It did not say, ‘Left Hand, you have to remember that I have taken good care of you and you have to pay me back in the future.’ There was no such thinking. And my left hand did not say, “Right Hand, you have done me a lot of harm — give me that hammer, I want justice.’ My two hands know that they are members of one body; they are in each other.”- The Rev. Thich Nhat Hahn.

I had the privilege of doing two vipassana retreats led by the Vietnamese Monk who walked alongside Martin Luther King on the Freedom march in Washington DC. Thay, as he is fondly known among his students once elected me to become his 'Bell Master', and my job was to hit the bell every fifteen minutes while we were in the discussion group. This was in essence a punishment on me for having rung the big bell outside the Zendo while others were in deep meditation inside, I swung the wooden limb and gently hit the bell loud enough, just to be heard within the meditation hall where over 70 people were sitting. Fearing the worse after my silly act I found that not a single person complained and as a matter of fact I was given a thumbs up as it was a silent retreat. I was dubbed, The Ruptor by the practicing group, like some kind of jurassic leftover  I was okay with it, I felt like a kid who never grew up despite his age.

One of the most valuable lesson I learned from the Vietnamese Monk is that of Loving Kindness and Mindfulness in Action; "to walk the Earth as though your feet are kissing the ground every step you take." When I had a one on one talk with Thay, the final advice he gave me was to keep being who I am and I will do fine. We talked of the Vietnamese refugees held on the Island of Bidung off the east Coast of Terengganu and asked my help to make contacts with them through my family and friends there. But when I asked him about my personal self he had not much to talk about except to continue my journey as who I am. I am blessed to have had great teachers who shed their light on me when I was lost in darkness and despair; you do not spend two years in a Zen Buddhist Monastery as an extended vacation. I was there to be healed. My body mind and spirit back those years in the eighties was in a state of chaos, I was more than a splintered soul, I was drowning to the bottom of the barrel, clutching at straws for survival and fate would have it I joined the Green Gulch Farm community; it saved my life. Well, at least my sanity; I am regressing.