Before you Judge me!

My daughter woke me up early this morning and told me she was going to jog outside and at the same time look for our missing cat, Firbie. As always I sat on the bed and meditated and while at it i prayed, I said, Dear Lord, I know i am a doubter from way back when but when someone asked on FB yesterday if i believe in Miracles, i said yes. I believe in You, my Lord and this time I am asking You to perform me one." About half an hour later my daughter came in and sat on the bed facing me in my meditation and when I opened my eyes, lo and behold Firbie was staring at me. My daughter had found her on the fourth floor steps, eight floors down from where we live. I raised my two hands and uttered, Alhamdullilah, HirabilAlamin. Thank you my Lord, the Lord of the Universe for strengthening my faith.

Those who knows me not might think I am a devout Muslim out to preach Islam to the world in my Blogging; I wish, but I am not. I was born and raised a Buddhist for twelve years of my life and i grew up among my Muslim family relatives and friends all those twelve years with only two people who knew this, that i was a Buddhist. One of them is my uncle who adopted and raised me as his own and the other is me. I led a clandestine life where religion is concern and has always been ever since. Even though i was converted to Islam at the age of twelve I remained a free thinker rebelling against more than abiding by the mandates of the religion and this was partly due to my family relationship and environment growing up as a teenager alongside my twin brother and the rest of my immediate family when i was taken back to be raised by my immediate family. My relationship with Allah or God then was a love hate relationship of a very angry child to an uncaring father or so it seems then.

Then i got married to an American and moved to the United States and my life took a 360 degrees turn towards becoming a hedonistic, devil may care, lost soul; God stopped existing in my life. I never in my life called myself an atheist even though i was exposed to such ideas having read the likes of Sir bertrand Russel among others at an early age. I felt the existence of a God at the back of my mind despite every transgressions i committed and every sin i incurred; I felt something was watching me and sometimes even caring for my well being. I felt like i was being nudged from making a total wreck of myself through my insatiable appetites in drunkenness, sex and at some point self destructive. Today i am no more ashamed to let it all hang out simply because it has become much easier to do so through my Blogging over the years.

Hence if i say, "Thank you Lord or Alhamdullilah." it is a very much more significant expression than a normal Muslim would, like one who grew up well within the folds of Islam. I had realized sometime ago that I was chosen to lead a path less traveled in my spiritual growth as compared to my twin brother who embraced Islam with out a second thought. I consider him a very pious Muslim in his practice although as a man I find it hard to look up to him as a role model for being a good Muslim. Perhaps this is because of our sibling rivalry having grown up under separate roof for 12 years of our childhood life and later having to grow up as teenagers together vying for the love and affection from the rest of the family. I will not dwell on the details in this matter as it might  be incriminating and further exacerbate our already frayed relationship. 

I accept Islam on my own terms and condition thus far and to an average Muslim this would tantamount to being a 'Munafik' or an equivalent to a hypocrite or even an infidel. I only have my Lord to apologize to if i am deemed as any lesser a Muslim than my brothers as i have pretty much removed myself from being close to them and not because i hold anything against them but but because i feel that they have removed me from their care and attention. I figured if i am to be harshly judged throughout my life, I might as well live life as i see fit and not according to anyone else's dictums. I will face my Maker when the time comes and whether i am accepted as a Muslim or not I will let Him be the Judge.
WallhuAlam only He nkows!.