Hate has many Ugly Faces

The strife and struggles that is presently plaguing the various parts of the world, causing untold miseries among the people of these countries and states is the result of the second of human illnesses inherent in man, that is Hate. Anger, jealousy, envy, power, control all these and many more issues related to it is the result of man dealing with this illness. The Koranic/Biblical story tells us of the fatal conflict between the two brothers Cane and Abel that led to the death of one even in the dawn of man's history. Till this day the Jewish, Christian and Muslim conflict is still ravaging the societies all over the world pitching man against his fellow man all in the name of the One God.
Hate is something that only belongs to human beings in this physical realm of existance, it is only man that known to kill out of anger and hatred and it is only man that has the need to create special forces in dealing with the negative influences of hate. Police and Millitary forces are the ultimate manifestation of this tragedy. The hatred bred through tribal or racial groups is one of the

most violent of all hatred and it is ugly in nature as it blinds man into worse than beasts in their need to destroy their counterpart through whatever means at their disposal, all in the name of their tribe, their race, their religious beliefs.

In a country like Malaysia hatred can rear its head at any given moment under any given pretext as there is so much avenue for hatred to manifest itself this country being a multi-racial country. There is always and will always be a fine line between each ethnic group that makes up this nation that draws the line of racial toleration and this line is fragile whcih can be broken at any given moment through some misinterpretation or misconception or miscommunication or purely through ignorance. It is never easy for a nation to have a solidarity or one voice one vision when the people are made up different nationalities and each catering strongly to their personal colors and creed despite all that is done to create a more untited collective mindset. It is short of a miracle that this country has not busted at its seems for the last fifty years through racial conflicts. The May 13th. incident was the only case that almost brought the nation to its knees fortunately it was thwarted by those were in power at the time.

Right and wrong a sickness of the mind gotta keep the balance.

Today Malaysia is going through a political change and it is enlightening to see that there is not an evidence of racial conflict worth mentioning in the news other than the normal petty bickering of the loosers and those who fell short in geeting what they had expected to, mostly politicians at their politics. The country is still set on course and the PM shaken a bit as he is is still in the helms of the ship. If this smooth sailing can be maintain by the present government there might still be another fifty years of peace ahead for us to look forward to relatively speaking. The key to our destruction as a nation is racial hatred or interracial conflicts, if this can be overcome and the people can be made to understand the significance of a collective united spirit with regradless of racial or religious backgrounds than we can become a nation to be respected by the rest of the world. Malaysia is truely Asia in its representation as a country and a nation but to attain to this status we Malaysians have to educate ourselves, our wives and children, our neighbors and friends to think as one to believe as One and to act as One.
We have to understand the very nature of hate, of the consequences it carries and how we need to overcome this illness that is inherent within all of us. The Koraan tells us Muslims to practice Patience in the event of hate arising and the Buddha tought us to meditate on the same. Tolerance is the key towards achieving and understanding between us and the xperience of having lived alongside eachother for the last fifty years aught to have instilled in all of us the facts of life as we Malaysians should see ourselves and be able to declare ourselves truly who we are even before those from our so called Mother countries, like China and India or Indonesia. To these we are Malaysians first, our children and their children will honor no other country except Malaysia as their original home, (tempat tumpah darah), I am not a Chinese nor am i an Indian or an Indonesian or Sri Lankan, nop, I am a true Malaysian born and bred, loyal to my King and Country. But it does not mean I will not make any socila or political comment or contribution if and the when the need is called for as i am a member of this society governed by a democratical principle, hence when i sense an injustcie in the making i will not lay dormant and accept it without a fight.
This is a tall glass to offer and tough act to follow by a long shot as there elements within and without this nation that has intrests in its well being or its demise and as such there will always be those who will do everything within their power to cause a disruption among the racial groups if peace is not of interest ot their scheme of things. It against these demons of hate that every nation has to be constantly in virgil of, for they are on this very plane just to cause the disunification of man and his downfall. Albeit in the most clandestine manner or by means of an all out war these anti-peace and self agrandizing, self serving minds are the curse of every nation and to be rooted out whenever and whereever they are spotted. Hate has many faces and all of them are ugly but the more dangerous are those that are hidden behind the scenes in the form of good samaritans and pious pontiates, as wolves in sheepskins. They are the sowers of bad blood and the poison that can infect the blood of this nation with hatred.
Through understanding greed and hate we can learn how to avoid the pitfalls that we are liable to face and this is accomplshed through the understanding of the nature of the third of our human illness; Delussions or ignorance, or the lack of understanding or the having no desire to learn to understand. The human mind is inherently lazy when it comes to thinking about or making any effort towards undersanding these negative traits that has haunted us through out our human history. Why are we possesed by the demons such as Hatred and Greed so much so that we are willing to take another's life in order to satify our own desires? It akes alot of time and effort to crack the the nut and expose the content and an average man does not give too much hoot about such a matter or that it is not his forte to dwell upon in this life. Let the wise-men take care of it and let them make the decisions, that's what we pay them for.

What Do The People Want?

Peace, Social and Economic independance, a mental and physically healthy society and perhaps foremost to some the freedom of faith, perhaps this and a few etras to make life a little more exciting. Most are satisfied with what they have already acquired in life if they attained to be sixty an a grandchild or two to play with [provided all the above mentioned criteria are met with to a sutainable degree. For those who are striving for more than what is their need knows that their ego has a need to feed albeit power or status, fame or fortune beyond the ordinary. Whatever the glory maybe that an average man seeks to fulfill in his life he knows that the journey towards this goel may involve the stepping upon other's toes, challenging the existing foundations and principle or destroying a few established icons. Thus the persuit of happiness becomes a gold rush for many as more is better and there is no line anymore to differentiate between what is Greed and what is basic need.
When greed walks in Compassion and charity walks out, wisdom disperse to the winds and corruption enters the scene. Judgements becomes blurred by ignorance of what really is and what is not that should or not have been done. This is what haunts most elected officials if not just in this country but just about the whole world where elections are held and the people vote their leaders. However in this day and age where just about every Tom Dick and Harry owns a PC and has a Blog or two to express his or her feelings, it has become more of a challenge for anyone to get by selling water by the river. The Information age has come and there is little or no place to hide for those who had depended upon ignorance of the masses to feed their insatiable egos. Transparancy has taken a whole new look whereby what happens behind closed doors are no more a secret than what happens in the market place sooner or later and the message reaches the masses at such a speed that even the dayak in the rainforest will know of the falsehood or the truth of any given event taken place in the capital.
Just like everything else even with the advanced levels of communication at this day and age there those who can and will manipulate whatever is out there to just so long as it serves their short term purpose of being the richest and most powerful. Most of us are trapped within this vicious circle whether we know it or not admit to it or not, but given the opportunity we most of us succumb to this weakness of human nature. One wife not enough we need to have three of four, one car not enough we need a few parked in the garage so to keep upthe good image, one house not enough we just got to have a few scattered here and there for convenience sake and to house the extra wives and kids. We have got to have something to leave behind us for our children and their childrens' children and that takes alot of doing on top of what we have to deal with our daily needs. So we sell our souls to the devils and hope for glory in this life and the hereafter as we have fulfilled our God given intentions to society and our fellow creatures: at what cost?
Greed is what draws the line between us and the lower creatures that god has created, for only man can kill out of greed. Not being able to share one's wealth with those who are in dire need is a form of greed and accumulating walth till there is no more room to accumulate is yet a nother form of greed, to refuse to become involve in solving the nation's need for eradicating hunger and poverty is another form of greed, and Corruption is the child of Greed. Many a mighty ruler has succumbed to the lures of this human weakness and tasted the blade of blade of Truth and Wisdom at the end of the day to fall poorer than paupers. Many a lesson has been taught about the ills of greed no matter how small the urge, but very few has touched human hearts as those practiced by Mahatma Gandhi in India. The little Hindu dressed in loin cloth, who brought the Brithish Empire to a grinding halt through self sacrifice and serving humanity. When a man becomes selfless he has no greed.
How can the leaders of today become selfless individuals servants of the people? No Way! The question every politicians these days ask is "What is in it for Me?" "How can I benifit from this venture?" "WhAT is my signature worth for this project?". These are the very individuals who had vow to serve the nation without fear or favorand with integrity and honesty, sworn before the King and country and before the holy scriptures, these are the elected ones who were sworn to lead the epole out of the darkness of their lives into the Peaceful coexistance of their fellow humans.As the Persian saying , "When the Salt turn bad, what else can we turn to?"
Perhaps the Dalai Lama Tenzin Giatso may be the last of the practicing personification of Wisdom beyond Wisdom, and the Infinite Compassion of the Bodhisatvas in these days and age that man can learn and emulate from, but His holiness is getting deeper and deeper sucked into the turbulance of political strife that is going on in Tibet. Man need role models, and George Bush is definitely not a very good one for compassion or wisdom, Dr. Mahathir is rapidly getting sinile in his approaches towards the political situation in this country and Pak Lah is teeter tottering on the popularity scale while Anwar Ibrahim is like a Tiger laying low taking its time to pounce when the time is right, who do we turn to? PAS Spiritual Leader in Kelantan, Nik Aziz has alot of spiriutal qualities and down to earth wisdom that has served the Kelantan people well but it is not a suit that can be worn by the rest of the country and the former oppositon leaders such as Lim Kit siang and Karpal Singh are veteran political heroes to most non-Malays but that is as far as their role model goes, the ruling goverment and its agencies has made very little effort to harness all these individuals efforts in the form of contributions towards the nation's growth. The few books and writings we find are those who had the power to write and publish for the nation to learn of their own personal contributinos, their biograpies, what it took them to reahc their present status in the management of this country.Just as children needs role models to map their growth man needs leaders who can become exemplary individuals to pave the way for the masses throught these looming catastropihc dark ages of the Kali Yuga or the Age of Decadence or as the Buddha said the Dharma Ending Age. Who is ther to lead? Who can we lay our trust on that will prepare not only this nation but the planet as a whole, to ride the next wave of change from this so called age of Information to whatever might lie ahead for our descendants to face.
With the decline in natural resources and food supply all over the world man will have a lot to reckon with in terms of his very survival if not his children and grand children. With the approach of climate changes that is affecting global weather trends and causing unheard of natural disasters all over the planet, man needs to contemplate alot sooner than later to completely cause for a change in his mindset as to the fundamental values of life that will sustain his very existance into the next Millenia if he makes it that far. Greed is only one of the causes of these and there are two more of the human illness that man has to come to terms with with perfect understanding and that is ,Hate and Delusions.
When is, enough is enough?

A trip to K.Tr.

I left for Kuala Terengganu on the 13th of April in answering my sister's call for help in dealing with her husband's condition fighting cancer. My brother in law is a gentle person all the time that i had known him rarely raised his voice and not much of a talker. He has also been skinny all his life and not that he does not eat but food dont have much effect on his physical nature. I have had a very close relationship with him and I consider it a privillage as he is not one who makes friends too easily although very much respected by all those who knows him for his serene and gentle nature.
Syed has cancer of the tounge or throat or in one of this general area and he has been through Kemo therapy in Kuala Lumpur. Now he is back in K.Tr. lost in his lonely world not being able to speak and having his meals through his nose. I could feel the frustration coming out of him and did my best not to intrude upon his negative emotions except by giving him a good body massage everyday which seemed to bring him back to life weel enough to work on his car engine. I felt that is only so much that i could do as my brother in law was not much of a talker even when he was well. So I jsut made my precence felt whenever I was in the house.
I spent alot of my time with my friend Mohd. Rafi who works a maritime police lance corporal. We spent alot of time just shooting the breeze and watching the kids watch TV while I did alot of sketching in my journal. I also visited the Hashim family in Pulau Duyung where I was taken for a special tour of the whole Heritage Club where the Mosoon Cup Sailing event takes place. Hashim is practically the caretaker of the whole facility whether he knows it or not. Hashim was born to sail the Trengganu waters and is an expert on traditional boat building and sailing. The problem with him is that he does not recognize his importance and so at barely two thousand Malaysian Ringgit which is hardly six hudred US dollars, this man is in charge of one of the biggest boat marina which annually holds the International Sailing Regata, the Monsoon Cup. One of the best model boat maker when it comes to the traditional Malay vassels, Hashim is a multitalented individual who had anyone in the Tourism industry been smart enough should have taken into confidence and offered him a good position with corespoding financial benifit. I know of few men I have met in my travels who is more dedicated and dilligent in what he does than my long time friend.
Hashim's older brother is Awi of Awi's Yellow House, a shanty river side shallets built exactly like in the old days of atap and stands high above the river. The toilets naturaly are just holes in the floor which makes it unique for city dwellers who had forgotten what it was like. Awi's Yellow house is well known among foreign travellers through the Lonely Planet travel guide and visitors to this hole are usually repeat customers who often stays for a longer period of time than an average tourist. This was where i met Sabastian the first time sometime in 03 0r 04, but had not seen him fours years till recently when he turned up at the Little Penang Street Market and we went for dinner after and we met with the accident.
I had the opportunity to visit the controversial Crystal Mosque too which Sabastian had mentioned as a waste of the natural environment that was destryed for the whole project to take place along the Trengganu River. The mosque itself was to me indeed and overzealous work of architectural design that utillizes too much ornate Islamic designs on its facades and too sterile for the location it is built on. Had the goverment built a small wooden Surau instead it would have been much better suited for all purposes and I am not saying because it would have been much cheaper but wood is the part and parcel of the natural beauty of the river not building blocks of concrete or crystal. I am apprehensive about the long term upkeeping cost of this expensive venture as much as it was meant well when it was constructed but it is indeed still a bloody waste of good money and the cost to the natural environment especially the Mangrove and nipah ecosystem along the river. Adjacent or connected along to the Mosque complex is another complex called the Taman Tamadun Islam, a bunch of minitature replicas of mosques and Islamic structures found all over the Muslim world are constructed to comemorate the splendours of the Muslim architectures and way of life. It is like an Islamic Museum and all they need to do toattract good tourist both local and foreign is to add a minigolf trail throughout the course of these miniature buildings. Why not have some fun while one stare in wonder at something someone else build somewhere else in some god forsaken time at god knows what an astronomical cost. Call it a Muslim fairyland but having listened to the locals over their teh kosong and roti telor, I felt the negative and ambivalent feeling exist towards the whole cheerful project, most i met and talked to had not been to the Mosque or the Taman Tamadun islam and most dont even know how to get there. Rumour has it that even Tuanku, the Sultan is not happy with the whole thing and thus the election of the Menteri Besar problem with the Palace. The man behind the whole show perhaps was Idris Jusoh the former mentri besar who is a highly charismatic individual with western education. Now he is no more a part of the Terengganu EXCO even for some odd reasons which is as good as nayone's guesse but his project is incomplete. I hope that the present Trengganu EXCO will make every attempt to complete the whole project without delay as it is not a cheap affair to just let go off regardless of whose fault or failures it is, it is still a symbol for the state and it is there to stay. Perhaps Allah has future use for such an ornate mosque even if for not there is no Friday Prayers allowed at the mosque. The people of this state are perhaps as predictable as the monsoon season, it always comes and with it rain and winds, after that there is life as usual making budu, cultivating the rice fields and going out to sea, more than this is too much for the braind to digest, it is for the politicians to deal with and the 'Crystal Mosque for now is a symbol of what can be a political error made over good intentions.
I am not a politcal commentator nor am I a social analyst but I am a mere artist who sat and tried to sketch the Crystal Mosque in seeking what is its hidden beauty and in doing so thoughs flahes in my mind about the pros and cons of building such a grand structure and the price those responsible had to pay for this venture, at least according to the news media, the coffee shop politicians and friends and relatives who lives here in Kuala Terengganu. To most it is short of a fiasco, a multi-million dollar fiasco that serves no benifit to the local fishermen and padi growers;it is also an insult to every educated Malay intelligence in the state.
The question is how do you turn this so called failure into a booming success? What needs to be done to salvage this dead zones without compromising their intended values as a religiuos as well as cultural heritage? An Islamic Muzium? Toolittle too late as these are cropping up at about every corner of the Mulim world and within this country itself. Islamic Architectural Institute for the Country? It would be a good way to help pay the cost of long term maintanence of the whole complex. Its surrounding environment and the closeness of the Terengganu Muzium would enhance the whole arae to become a hub for Islamic as well as Malay cultural and traditional education.
Well whatever! I am just tossing out what my mind has been regurgitaitng while i was sketching the Crystal Mosque as it does whenever i sketch something my thoughts will always run paralel to what i am doing with my hands but on a different topic with regard to the object. I am not here to protest or promote anything or anyone over what i feel, it is a personal feeling towards what is going on around me. I am against just blames for blames sake, I would rather find a viable solution to go along with every issue or problem so that it seizes to be an issue or a problem. When the peole elected a leader they assume one to be well endowed with right sense of understanding of what is needed and what is not and who is best to confide over this matters but the people themselves. Ask them! Talk to Them! Listen to Them! as just like a good carpenter who would measure three times before deciding to saw a piece of lumber so should the politicians before making any major decisions.
What's wrong with this scenario?

A banged up Job

On the 30th. of March while driving home with a friend from Argentina after dinner I had an accident on Kelawei Road. A Four Wheel drive rammed my car from behind causing me to smash into three cars ahead of me, such was the impact. I was thankful for my friend Sabastian and I that we escaped injuries especially for Sabastian because he was supposed to leave for Buenos Aires the next day. My car was a disaster front and back and is now at the auto body shop while the insurance claims are being processed. Both sabastian and I suspected that the driver of the 4Wheel drive was drunk and I noticed that so did the other drivers involved expressed the same feeling but because there was no policeman on site there was no way of taking any action on the matter. I got the feeling that my life meant little on the road and the guy who was in control over the whole event was actually the drugged or drunk pony tailed Chinaman in his company's $Wheel drive! So i just let it cool and let things takes its cause while i try to rationalize with Sabastian who being a young Argetinian it would be only a matter of wrong signals that would send him on the Jerk drunk or not like a pit bull on a chicken then all hell will cut loose and instead of just an accident we would have and incident too!
From this accident I learned the simple truth about how things works in this country if there is an accident and often then not there will be no traffic officer on hand but the whole incident will be handled by the autobody shop operators whose hound dogs will be there not five seconds after the accident. They will collect all the datas fromm everyone involved take down numbers and issue call cards on who to contact and so forth and all you have to do is turn up at the police station to make the report which is written by one of their staff for smooth flow of action to be taken. I also learn that except for Sabastian no one gave a damn if i was injured, the other drivers were more concerned of the fact that i had damaged their new cars.
Such Is, now I am back to taking busses to get places and my son has to walk to and from school and for how long God knows. The SOB who caused all these is home scot free as his vehicle being a tough machine sustained hardly any damage and ironically he was the first to have left the scene of the accident and no one could stop him! Had i been ten years younger i would have taken a good swing at him so that there will be a case and I would demand for him to be tested for alcohol or drugs but I am sick and tired of dealing with assholes like I used to. He was a Chinese and so was all the other drivers and every one else at the scene except for my friend and I. Getting physical would not had been the best cause of action at that moment, we were at the wrong place at the wrong time for it. So accept the damages and count your blessings and wait for the car to be fixed, such Is.
My sister in Kuala terengganu called this morning asking me to go there as my brother in law is not doing too good with his cancer bouts, he is giving up the fight and needs someone to talk to. So i will leave for the east Coast Friday night and hopefully my two kids here will have some peace from me being out of their hair. I too could use a break from Penang and the scene here at least an R&R from sketching the street hawkers and old buildings around the island. There will be a show at the Malay Artist Guild gallery next month and they have chosen street hawkers as their theme for the show and so i have been running around doing some sketching of these scenes all over the Georgetown area in the past few days, a blessing for not having the car in a way. At present i am having a solo show at the Penang State Library on Scotland Road. It consists of my monoprits and etchings mostly and a few water colors of the Flowerhorn Fish which i did a few years back. The show is the first for the Library as I was asked by the Director to start the art show programe which was new to the Library.
I keep on doing my oils at home sometime all through the night and when i can i would go to the USM Muzium Gallery and do my Acrylic and charcoal sketchings on the one hundred feet long drawing paper. All I have four exhibitions locations three of them solo exhibitions and one a group show all lined up through this next few months. And as i said I thank God for not being injured in the accident, otherwise god only knows how i can pull it all through. I want to give my best for the upcomig show at the Penang State Art Gallery which would bw the crowning success of my return to my hometown and then after that i hope to be able to sell some pieces at the Alpha Utara Gallery where most of the artworks get sold here. So for one who is unemployed I have got my job cut out for me and i am blessed with this burden for it keeps me from going kaka!

What did I learn from my Zen Experience?

The Lotus of A Thousand Petals

While living and doing the Practice Period at the Zen Buddhist center at Green Gulch Green Dragon Temple I had developed a joy for dishwashing after every evening meal during the weekends when there would be some two to three hundred people at the Center. It came to a point that i was attatched to this job that i would go at it alone refusing any help in handling the dishwashing machine, the stacking and so forth. I was bald then alive and burning with energy too due to the very intensive practice that I was into, the Art of Zen meditation or Zazen (sitting Meditation),great vegetarian meals, great company of wise men and women from all over the United States and some from foreign countries, meeting of great minds.
Anyway, every weekends the 'outside public' is allowed into the center to share the monastic life and taste the monastic food, organically grown vegies and homemade bread, the famous Tassajara Bakery kind of bread. They came and the parkng lot was full all the time till there was no more room out there! Saints and Charlattans, Lyers and thieves, the wise and the fools they came to sample a taste of Shunryu Suzuki's Zem Mind and Beginner's mind.
I volunteered the dishes all the time withiout having to be persuaded becaus for some odd reason it was "The Practice place to be". That evening it was normal as any with the crowd loud and enjoying their dinner before they all head on back to 'The City' (san Francisco), across the Bridge. Everyone who came and handed me their dirty dishes had something nice to share, a big smile, a completely fake surprise at seeing me doing the dishes or to harrass me about falling asleep in the Zendo. I was dancing with the bowls stacking them into the circular bowl rack before delivering them into the washer and doing it without breaking my pace as I met the cheerful faces head on smile for smile.
As I laid down the last piece of whit heavy China bowl inot the center of the tray there floated before me a white thousand petaled Lotus Flower in the tray!! I looked up slowly from it and my eyes met with the large round eyes of my Tanto or practice instructor Paul Disco. He nod at me in Gasho and smiled whispering to my ear 'It does happen sometimes...' and slipped away in his black monk's robes. I slid the last rack of bowls into the washer and nothing was said between us on the matter.
The appearence of the flower was so real that it was more real than real and it caught my breath and i wanted to laugh and at the same time felt sad and wanted to cry if it was not for my Zen Instructor's prescence which made the experience just like drinking tea.
The Japanese calls it Satori or what i interprete as Mini-awakenings and this kind of experience is not uncommon when one does intesive meditative practice especially in a large group where one does not feel threatened or insecure when little miracles takes one on a alternate state of conciousness even for a split second or the span of a lightning's flash. The fact that your teacher was there to witness the event whether he was aware of it or not was in itself an auspicious moment for me, I had someone else as a witness someone whose reactions was so simple and ordinary that this miracle vanished into memory lane just like it never happened and i felt it was perfectly okay!
Those not fammiliar with Zen and Zazen, not well versed in Buddhist practices might have a little bit of trouble accepting such occurences as I claimed and that too is alright because it is not for everyone it is only for the minds of those that the conciousness of the event was connected to. Usually it is one on one however there has been known that a group as a whole can experience Satori at any given moment of their sitting meditation period or during a lecture when a line is said and it was 'The Line' that triggers a colletive conciousness response and transport the group into a whole different state of mind, usually one of peace and tranquility, the lightness of being, the floating on the air kind of feeling and the Love for eachother that recognizes no conditions a feeling of letting completely go of oneself into the whole (Hole!?).

My Tooth is gone but the pain lingers on...

I think just about any one would agree that there is no bigger sin than a tootheache, its there, just gnawing away at your nerves leaving you helplessly in agony that at times it is even hard to think!
My last entry was an excited recurrence of my long time passion of undertaking an environmental issue to the task, that of cleaning the Sungai Pinang river in Penang. I spoke to saverl friends on the matter about the idea and got a mixed response from them. One or two decided that it was genuinely a great 9idea while oithers thought that now is not the time or some other excuses why it could not be carried out. It is ver interesting to note how or what people think about a project that demands immediate action yet would incur high cost rather than make money. The economy is not so good is a common excuse for the nays and the people are not ready for this whole idea of collective coorperative venture to undertake such an effort, lets put it to the back burner for now and concentrate on luring more tourists to the island or make sure that the people have the demands met with to keep them happy. The hell with the dirty rivers and clogged up drains in the meantime, theres plenty of time for that and hey, it does make a good topic though when we run out of things to gripe about.
Why am i so hyped about the damn river anyway? After all it has only been for tha last thirty odd years that this particular river has really been dubbed the worst polluted river in the country, what's a few more years till we can afford to take serious look at what we can do about it. So relax take it easy and try to ignore tha impilses you have about the goddamn river, focus on your upcoming shows! Like where the hell are you goping to find the fundings for the perchasing of your art materials, canvasses, and mounting them, paints and brushes and whatelses that you need to do your work with? Theres three solo shows lined up for this year and they are fast approaching the datelines and how the hell did i got myself into this bind? For the longest time i had shyed away from exhibiting my works for this very reasons and now that i dcided to go full time I am finding myself trapped into producing under pressure. But the dye is cast and commitment hasto be met with, this the nature of the business and so now i have to scrounge around for the meands to get my works done for these upcoming shows like it or not.
Yes I have to focus on what is relevant to my own survival and stop this pipe dream of an undertaking like cleaning a river, its too big an issues especially when I am indepedantly unwealthy. Such is life, you can only try to do just so much while the rest will have to be KIV for the next life perhaps. In a year's time i will turn sixty, an old fart who should start thiking about what to leave behind for my children when i am dead and gone. It is perhaps time to narrow down my options and rein in my impulses and passions, at least those that are way beyond my reach. START ACCEPTING THE FACT THIS IS IT! Join those who have gone before me in the pastures and meditate upon the afterlife. Face the fact that I have tried to excell in what i seek to accomplish but the end is in sight and what i have attained thus far is all that there is to go for and i'd better learjn the hard facts of growing old and being defeated by impermanence. When all is said and done at the end of the day we all have to come to some sort of conclussion about who or what we are, why or how come we are where we are at, the question of what brought you here!
My aching jaw from the removed molar is all there is that i can at present indentify with and it is the only thing that makes any sense abpout who or what i am at the moment and this is all i need to be here and Now.

My personal advise to the Newly elected CM of Penang

The future is in the hands of the present and those who are on position to make the difference are resposible to those who will inherit the country.

Get the Sungai Pinang River clean up project on the roll without anymore excuses! In his interview with the public which was published in the Star news paper Mr. Lim touched on this issue answering one question that was of an environmental nature by one of the questioners. The sungai Pinan River is a serious 'Toxic Waste issue" for the State, the newly ellected CM noted and that was just about it except for the fact that one of his collegues was dumb enough to take a dip in it and was attacked physically by unknown microbes infesting the river.
I grew up on the river since the day i was born right smack in the middle of the Kampung Selut as the area was known in the past and most of my childhood life was spent waiting for the hight tide to arrive so that the water world fantasies of our childhood would come to life. This was in the early 50s and sixties before the area was developed. The hightide brought Morgan the Pirate, The Bucaneers, and hosts pof other sea faring characters to our childhood imagination as we swam our way towards the river mouth. The was all kinds of wildlife common to the mangrove environment, the Udang ketak, Ikan Tembakul, ikan Belachak, ketam selut, ketam batu, belangkas, siput lokan, siput balitong, biawak to name a few, which today has become extinct in this area. There were numerous species of birds to wake up to and fishes to trap in the mudholes, as a child growing up in this rustic life at the edge of Georgetown was a blessing for me and on looking back my heart is sick at what i see have become of my river.
The Sungai Pinang is only about six miles in length from the foothills of the Penang Hill range in Ayer Itam area somewhere to the sea and the whole six mles today is contaminated in one way or another. It has played vital roles in the past for those living on this Island not only as a source of water but that of a symbol for the State uniting the inhabitants who are racially pluralistic. To the newcomer this may not seem much to think about as the only sense they would have of the river is the stench that it gives off or the black brackish water that flows lifelessly int and out to the sea often laden with debris and floatsam opf garbage from the denizens of the island. To penangites, those born and raised on this island it is short of a bloody insult to our intelligence if not to our souls. We have allowed the river to deteriorate to such a state that despite all our modern technologies and advanced education the river is practically called a 'dead River'.
To cut to the chase on the matter as e know most politicians are always short of time especially on environmental issues, I am making a suggestion the present take into consideration of using the 'healing of the River' as a crusade that will unite the people into working towards a common goal. Let this be the clarion call for the various groups to come together and give all they got for the well being of one river that has been a common good to all of us regardless of who we are and this will be our legacy to our children. The present administration may have zillions of problems to work on concerned with zillions of issues left behind by the former administration and if not given serious thought over how this should be handled this admin too will be bogged down by the same issues till next ellection day. Tod do the unthinkable would be one option that the State can get a handle on all the issues and that is to not address them but allow them to continue on as they are while focussing all its attention on one unrelated issue which affects just about every walks of life, albeit politicians, doctors, rich man poor man Chinese or Indians , Malays or Bengali. This issue affects the tourism industry, the fishery and wildlife departments and a host of other industries in one way or another, it is an image that stands for All.
I need not go too deeply into the state of pullution in this state as most of us here are fully aware of the matter by just openning our eyes a little bit more to include the environment in our sights like the tourist do. Yes the tourists takes notice of the environment alot more than our average citizens do and if they choose not to revisit our island it is not a fault of theirs but ours, we can talk them to death about why they should visit us but what they see is what they relay to those who ask their opinions when they return to their homes not what they hear. However it is not this reason that we are suddenly deciding to take affirmative action about healing our river back to health, nope, we are doing it bercause it is time that we do some housekeeping in our state. What better time carry out a thourough housekeeping job than with the beginning of a new State Government. We will redesign the Rocket to become a broom and the PKR symbol that looks like and eye to become a garbage bag and we will make every school and institution in the state carry out their own individaul attack plan on this matter without any excuses, for education of the young and old is the key to our success long as well as shortterm. We need to educate the masses, mentally, and spiritually and thus we will approach all the religious denominations for their undevided support for our 'housekeeping project'. last but not least twe will insist upon the media to be fully responsive to our endeavors and make it their crusade as well. We will get all the NGOs and various other existing environmetal groups to become the spearhead for our motion, we will employ the various government bodies like the state laboratories and civil engineers to carry out the preliminary works of desigining and analyzing of the river status, what needs to b done and when. We will utillize the USM students to do soil smaples and various other studies as their contribution towards this venture and we will ask the Rich and famous the major industries, the kongsies and the various clubs and groups to pay for our project, hopefully not the Federal government.
Off course I have given a very simplified scenarion of this project which at later date will be studied and approached in a more proffessional manner making sure that legalities and incentives are met with for those who choose to participate. My idea is basically is to take the bull by the horns in making a clean start for the revival of the Island's glory, the glory that won the hearts and minds of those who used to visit us in the past. To return the pristine and clean water system that we used to enjoy like no other state and to most importantly to try and harness a collective mind among all our different racial groups and thoughts into one affirmative thinking machine in favor of the People and the State as a whole.
The Present CM may have already have his ideas about how to run the state but I hope that he will pause and consider my offer of a suggestion with an open mind.

Election; The Aftermath

Promises,promises and more promises, this is the political scenario of every major or minor elections anywhere and everywhere in the world. We will do this and put a halt to doing that we will make sure that the people come up ahaead regardless of what it takes and we will, we will and we will!
In the coffee shops in the roadside stalls in the offices in the backrooms of the offices, in the bars and tha taverns, in the market place and the dentist's waiting rooms debates are being carried out as to who or what really won the election and how or what the future holds for the average person on the street. Accusing fingers are pointed at the fallen and thumbs up for those who won, each and every person with an opinion stood firm in their belief of what is good or bad for the nation while the embattled politicians gathers around their confrence tables licking their wounds or pondering over what next. This is it, the election's aftermath, time to pick up the pieces or or put them together to make sense out of what has been scattered to the four winds. The people has let their feelings expressed the choices made and their mood for the day felt and it is up to the elected leaders those reelected and those newcomers to put their mind to the grind, their intentions to the test and to 'walk the talk'.
This has been an unprecedented major change in the outcome of the election as the opposition has garnered a good proportion of the seats both in the states as well as the parliament and there will be a very strong check and balances between the ruling party and the opposition as never before. The country is in for another tsunami and the people will have to brace themselves for the fallout untill things settle down and a coherent routine is achieved by both sides to run the country so that it benifit the people as a whole and not the winners or the loosers in the elections. Pride and egos that has been stepped over, guilt and incompetencies that has been exposed, trust and faith that has been shattered, all have to be buried and laid to rest among the political components and candidates and what is of paramount importance is that the country will continue on to greater heights of achievements despite all these travails. There is a lesson to be learned from every failures and a lesson to be learned from every success, both equally important in the fact that a positive outcome results from these lessons.
Time to bury the hatchets and parangs, time to heal the wounds and time to find reconcilliations among all those involved in the management of the nation's welfare. Those who harbor illwill or carry in their hearts the crave for revenge should not be lauded or encouraged as these are the ones who have failed to learn and has only their welfare at heart and not the nation's as a whole. These have to be reined in and their mouth muzzled so that they have no chance to express their negative impulses due to their inability to understand defeat or victory. They have failed to see the bigger piture as they will always be haunted by the personal loss. The nation will move onwards towards greater glory or perish in the agony of defeat at the hands of the uncompromising selfcentered individuals who still holds the power to rule. It will still be up to the people who have awakened from 50 years of belief and trust in the governement to make the necessary changes in and when the majority of them sense that an ellected member is not performing as he or she has been ellected to or this past general election would still become meaningless to all. Let our past experiences with the performances of each and every individual character of the political stage be our guidance and take continuous action towards those who deviate from the wellbeing of this nation for their own self glorification no matter who they are or what party they belong to.
The talks in the foddstalls and coffeshops will sooner or later subside and those who has been mandated to take the reins of running the country will find ways and means to put together a win win card on the parliamentary table. This nation deserves no less than that those elected perform for the benifit of the people and this is to be done with no time wasted.There is no more elections for the next five years or so and the people need not waste their effort and nor their money be spent over more uncompromising incidents that would jeopardize the formation of a vibrant management team to run their country for a strong economic future that would benifit them as a whole. Malaysia Boleh!!

The Ghost Ship of Unimack Path

I was instructed by the skipper Donald bark earlier on how to read the radar screen identifying all the silohuette of land marks apperaing on the greenish illuminated screen. I was told of the verticle and horizontal lines and how far a distance they actually represent in actual nautical mileage, that eash was two nautical miles from the next line, the center was of the screen was the Iceland, the boat, me! All I had to do is maintain a course according to the compass and not deviate from the exact number given and keep an ey for any flahing blips on the screen as it meants that there is another vassel in the vicinity. That was about how much I was made to understand about navigation on the high seas and the final advice was scream for help if something is not right.
I was in the pilot house of the fishing vassel 'The Iceland', a sixty five footer wooden hulled vassel out of Sand Point,Alaska, the Iceland being one of the oldest vassel in the fleet out of this small fishing town. She was build by a Norwegian by the name of Paul martinez who it was recorded had constructed twelve wooden hull vassels in all and having all their names ending in 'Land' like Iceland, Wonderland, Dreamland and so forth. The Iceland was one of the remaining of the twelve that still sail the Bering Sea is search of fortune in the fishing industry. She used to be 90 feet in length I was told and was involved in shrimp fishing untill the Bering Sea ran out of shrimp. Her length was shortened to 65 feet so that she can be used for Halibut and salmon fishing later on. Many stories were told about the weird things that had been happening on the vassel by her crews from the past to present, they agreed that the vassel was haunted and that the late Paul Martinez had his prescence on her. Hence she became the whisper of the the fishermen who fished out of Sand Point. But to the five crew members of the old wooden tub the Iceland was as unique a vassel as she was old. She was a part of the fishing history of the fleet and stood more than just an equal among the more sophistcated fibreglass vassels with their state of the art nautical gadgets.



On the night in particualr we were headed for Dutch Harbor, Alaska considered the Western most of the United States of America that is inhabited and was at one time the only part of the United States the Japanese ever attacked during WW2. Today it is the fish processing town with a ahrbor lined with old battle ships that were permanently anchored and turned into floating cannaries. The Iceland was loaded with twenty five thousand pounds of Halibuts in her hatch and was headed for Dutch harbor to offload the catch of which the largest fish was seven feet six inches in length and weighed almost 450 pounds which was named 'Big Bertha' by the Skipper, Donald Bark. Halibuts are bottom feeders and average about 60 to 180 pounds they have a very strange shape as both eyes are located on the top of their heads like mud skippers. The bottom part is pure white while the top is deep sea green. To catch them baited hooks of salmon heads and herrings sometimes when available octopus tantacles were used and these were laid out in what is called a long linning method of fishing.

Anyone having fished in the Bering Sea for any length of time will tell you that it is no joke as far as hazardous work is concern for your life is worth twon minutes if you fall overboard, not from drowning but from the frigid cold waters. The weather was also something that fishermen gamble with where their fate is concern, where a gail warning issued can mean a matter of survival within minutes from a fair to a perfect storm. For one who had never fished in the ocean before this was quite an experience that i would not wish to repeat for i was wretched with seasickness on the first few days out at sea and had wished that I had never left land. But having had the experience I can today claim that I fished in the Bering Sea of the Pacific NorthWest and survived. I survived the Pefect Storm, the Rip Tides, the Sea Sickness, the Tempers and Frustrations, the slime and grime of commercial fishing. HOW MANY MALAYSIANS CAN MAKE SUCH CLAIM?

The Skipper was from Teanaway Valley in Washinton State and lived in a beautiful wooded valley where he also collected 'out houses'. All over his yard were old outhouses or toilets some used in the old days of the wagon trails. I had the oportunity to stop by his place on the way up north from Green Bay, Wisconsin in the early month of may in 1982. My friend and I drove in his car a Chevy Nova all the way from Green Bay in the Midwest to Seattle, Washington which took us three days or so. We drove through the States of Michigan and Minnesotta, Wyoming and North Dakotah and thn when we were passing through Spokane, Washington we had to drive through thick dust from the eruption of Mount Saint Helen a few days earlier. We left Green Bay on the 1st of May, Robert Serge and I in a car that could only hod a quarter tank of fuel at a time in its tank because the tank had a leak in it. Before leaving Wisconsin, we stopped by Little Suamaco and ehlped grew some baby pine trees together with a small community of nature lovers, Robert's friends.

I met Robert at Belin Hospital in Green Bay where we were supposed to have a two man show, he with his photogrphy while I had my printmaking works. I was astonished by what I saw of his works, the pictures he had hung on the walls were out of this world. I asked Robert where he had taken them and he told me of his annual fishing trip to Alaska. I immediatly insisted that he took me with him that summer and nothing was going to stop me, not money nor the ordeals that laid ahead as spelled out to me by Robert insisting that it was madness for me to do so. Not to mention the cost but the trip itself would demand that I have some sort of accomodation if not a job lined up before I could even think of making the trip. But my mind was made up and partly due to the fact that I had to leave Green Bay for one reason or another at the time. I had graduated from the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay the same year, my son and his Mother had left to live in Germany and my love life then was headed for the rocks. There was no excuse for me to hang around the Packer Town any longer without drowning myself into drunken and disoderly despair.



As I stood in the wheel house of the Iceland my hands clutching the wooden wheel and my eyes peering out int the darkness ahead of me with and occansinal glance at the greenish illuminated face of the radar screen, my thoughts floated into all kinds of reminascents of my life past and future. Sometimes I would be elated from the factthat i was able to do whatmany in my own country had not and most probably would never have a chance to do in their lifetime. Sometimes I would feel the sadness and loneliness of the fact that there i was all alone as alone can be in thw middle of nowhere and no one to talk to least of all my loved ones or my family. If anything were to appen to me then there was no way anyone would know how to let my family back home in malaysia know excep for my exwife who was then living in Germany. But thee were just thoughts hat haunted me due to the solid darkness of the environment around me and save for the hum of the boat engine which by then had seeped into my being to become unnoticeable there was total peace and quiet.

I noticed the blip of a light cming downwards from the left hand corner of the radar screen about two squares away from the center. I was almost excited that I had company, I was not the only one awake piloting a vassel in the dark onf night, something I had never done in my entire life and was doing it for the first time be it day or night. I watched the blip moving downwards in a straight line at what would be four nautical miles if what the Skipper explained was true that each square represents two nautical miles distance. I was well safe away from whatever vassel it was that was floating silently pass by me, the center point on the radar screen. I almost felt like saying goodbye when it almost disappeared off the screen at the bottom but to my amazement the blip did not fell off the screen bottom but decided to start climbing right back upwards!! And what was more astonishing not to say frightenning was the fact that it was moving at an angle and head for the center of the screen, Me!

As I watched in disbelief and mounting fear I realized that it was less than half a square from the center point of the radar screen and that was I pressed the panic button and started to yell and screamed for the skipper who was sleeping in his bunk on the othe side of the wooden wall that seperated us. At the same time i was spinning the wheel like I knew what the hell i was doing to stear the Iceland away from the oncoming whatever vassel. The skipper was at the wheel without me realizing it shouting and screaming obscenities while I was stunned by the bright light that bathed the whole area in and around the Iceland and it was coming down from above the vassel. I stared in disbelief up at it through the cabin window while the skipper kept spinning the wheel and as I watched the huge what seemed to be a searchlight slowly became two huge searchlights!!
Then things started to happen like in slow motion of disbelief. The next thing I knew I was staring at the rear end of a huge ship, grey in color with all its lights on and the deck clearly lighted but no a single soul in sight. The ship slid away silently ahead of us leaving behind in it wake just a reflection of bubbles and like what ships normally leave behind in their wake. Then it was all dark again and the skipper told me to hit the bunk without as much as a word of what the hell happened. Later in the morning i found everyone sitting in th galley in silence and I thought I was going to get my head chewed but that too did not happen and from that day on no onetalked about it ever till we parted company. The only person who ever mentioned anything of the incident later was JR the Skipper's nephew who told me that he caould not sleep that night and was in the galley and watched the whole thing but could not register what truelly happened except that the ship whatever it was appeared out of nowhere and isappeared just as mysteriously into the night. He had told the Skipper of this and was told to not dwell on the incident too much.
Till this day even as I write I still could not belief that what had happened really did happened and I hve told and retold this incident to many but the more i talk of it the less i am beginning to believe in it myself. However it does make a great 'Fish Tale' after all anyhting can happen in the Unimack Path of the Bering Sea or so the Alaskan Fishermen used to say. Considered among seafarers to among the most treacherous stretch of water, the Unimak Path is often compared to the Bermuda Triangle and the Tip of Cape Horn.

The Elections Is over

Yesterday was eletcion day and today there is alot of changes in the lives of many whose well being has been affected by who is in power for better or for worse. The major significance in the outcome of this past election is the fact that the deposed deputy prime minister Anuar Ibrahim has made a effective comeback into the political scene of this country and his former political opponents those who were notably very much involved with his demise has today a cause to be concern about. Anuar is back and he is back with a vengence and how he will go about exacting his paybacks is yet to be seen.
The Rocket has been launched and the DAP has got Penang under its rule and this aught to be and interesting phenomenon to be observed. The democratic Action party is predominantly Chinese and has always been in the thorn in the flesh of the ruling party in the form of its leaders Lim Kit Seang and Karpal Singh both men has the experience of being in the opposition benches for a long time that they have become the nation's symbols for making sure that the Barisan National never got a total free reign over the management of the country. I have always believed that the nation aught to have given these two gentlemen the titles they deserve by now they should have been awarded the titles of at least 'Tan Sri' as a token of respect for their services rendered to the country even if as opponents to the ruling party! However this would be too much for the average Malaysian imagination especially the Malays. The menteri Besar of Kelantan Nik Aziz, Kit Seang and Karpal are the political icons of modern Malaysia just as much as the present and the former Prime Ministers. However now it is a little too late for such gestures as it would appeare inappropriate seeing that the DAP has gained an enormous momentum in becoming a force to be reckoned with in this country and any affirmative gesture would be misconstrude by all parties concerned unless this can be achieved with a unanimous agreement of the Malaysian Parliament as a whole and only the King is the most appropriate person to award the titles to these individuals.
We tend to overlook the contributions of those who has disagreed with us or are not benifical to oour cause, not on our team eventhough these individuals has been the part and parcel our our political heritage and their names will go down in hitory as such and our children will read about them in years to come whether we like it or not, what is wrong with honoring them even if it is merely with such titles as 'Tan Sri' or 'Dato Sri' after all even a dead film star gets a Tan Sri for his contributions!
What promises will the DAP deliver we will have to wait and see for this island of Penang. Will the predominantly Chinese party make the Malays nightmares come true or will the party be smart enough to maintaion the status quo of the Chinese, Malays and Indians in the state and even with some added compassion cater to thje Malays plight even more which in my view will strengthen their support and trust from the Malays. The Malays in the state of Penang in my opinion have been disillusioned long enough by the Barisan National and Gerakan coalition parties. They have been sidelined often like dogs being thrown pieces of bones every once in awhile to pacify their needs. This election the Malays here has decided that enough is enough and has taken a leap of faith in letting the state be trusted into the hands of the oposition party with no much hope to look forward to but hoping that mlife would be better.

The Golden Rule

I was moved by the final chapter of the great works of Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success. Do unto others as you would them done unto you, the Golden Rule, of the ancients' of Confucius, The Buddha, Christ and the Prophet (of Allah) those whose ideas about life comes down bascially to this short statement of the Golden Rule. As I read what Hill expounded in his book my thoughts became further awakened with enlightenment over the many truths that had eluded me in the past and some of which had been the cause of my failures or dispointment. It is a simple truth and its simplicity is what had made me complacent over the depth of its meaning and the gravity of its consequences toward my daily actions as well as my long term search for the meaning of my very own existance.
Although the Book was primarily aimed at those seeking to become materially well off such as a successful businessman or a well sought after lawyer and so forth, for me it touched more deeply into my understanding of the workings of my spitiutal self and how it controlls or is controlled by the externals. My ups and downs my rights and wrongs they suddenly are beginning to make sense. It is like yet another major piece of a jig saw puzzle has fallen into place and one is beginning to see the whole picture. In my life I have been the cause of alot of pain and suffering for others my loved ones as well as those whose life mine had touched in one form or another, in the Buddhist sense I had created alot of bad karma and as such have a big time karmic debt to pay. Do unto others! Yes I am not proud of alot of wrong turns I had taken to get to where I had wanted to and often enough I never even slowed down to regret these negative actions especially when it affected others in my life. But I can afford change while I still have the time and state of mind to do it before the final curtain calls and this is the journey I had taken, the journey towards the Lord of Truth through complete right understanding of who I am and where my journey ends.
I cannot apolgize to all that I have offended, taken advantage of or used in one way or another but I can undo myself, unllearn all my negative lessons and right all the wrongs of my thinking mind. This is my work on myself through reading, through my creative exprtessions through writing all my thoughts down through giving the best I can afford to raise my children and through eventually my services to society as a whole if and when I have attained to right to do so without any more doubts and fears.

The God Delusion 2

Yesterday's entry was a somewhat spontaineous reaction towards my own excitement at having experienced a moment of mini-satori or awakening or whatever anyone who have had simmilar experience would call it. This was prompted by the last few pages of the book by Richard Dawkin'The God Dellusion' in which certain train of thoughts and ideas with regard to the subject matter he had discussed triggered my own data banks' collection of information with the regard to religions-belif and faiths. Almost my entire adult life had been spent accepting or danying the existance of a God or Gods and I had little problem of dismissing the later at a very early stage in my life long quest for answers after reading the works of Homer and Greek Mythologies, Zeus and His wives and kids, and those of the Norse Gods, of Odin and His kith and kin. I waded through the Hindu pantheon of Gods and Deities that to me has befuddled the Hindu minds for centuries with myths and lores in the effort to confirm the existance of a God, the elaborate rituals, the sacrifices, the fanatical clinging to dogmas and traditions has caused unforgiving causes of pain and suffering to the myriads of common people through out Indian history and all in the name of Religion! In this respect I agree with Richard indeed there is no such God or Gods. If there was it is a product of a highly evolved sick mind that desired to collectively controll the ignorant minds through religiosity.
I have made it my journey in this life to devote a good amout of my available time towrds the 'right understanding' of the nature of 'God' and Religions having made a simple promise to myself that I would faithfully seek out the answers for myself no matter how or where there are answers to be found for the questions that had been raised in my mind since a child. I grew up a buddhsit while living among the rest of my family and relatives who were Muslims. I was made to attend both the Buddhist saturdays and sunday schools while learning the Koran and attendiong the Friday prayers at the mosque. Religion had meant scorn by peers while i was attending my primary education being accused as a 'Kapiak' (Kafir) because I was exempted from having to attend the Islamic classes and the Friday prayers by my teachers who under the intruction to do by my Uncle, the man who had adopted me. Even as a child i felt I was headed for a big time conflict in my religious and spitirual upbringing and was anticipating when the two major religions that was having a tug -o-war over my soul was going to come into collision. It did come when one of my aunties decided to have me circumcised together with a cousin of mine who is a week older than me.
It was this event that changed my childhood life forever, I hated all that has to with Gods and religions eventhough was still to young and scared to let the world have a peek into how I really felt. The hide and seek i had to play so that the Muslim part of me does not know what the Buddhist part of me was up to. for fear of being treated with redicule and totally ostracised, so I played along with the decissions that the adults in my life back then had come to about my faith and religious understanding. I was taken back by my immediate family, my mother and father, my brothers and sisters who had then moved to Kuala Terengganu. Yes , i was twelve years of age and till this day can never forget the evening my uncle had to break me the news while we were sitting on the esplanande wall at Padang Kota Lama, in Penang. That was the first time i had witnessed my uncle shed his tears from the pain of having to give me up, all in the name of religion!
I held that against God! The Buddhas, the Deities and my teachers and family and friends and whoever else that gave the idea that there was a God, a compassionate being in the form of a Buddha, a Mathatma and so forth, Nnope, I had enough, I had been thrown some crap at my childhood age that some of it had poisoned my mind about faith and belifs, needless to say some of the episodes and events that i faced growing is unmentionable or too painful to share but they were a horror enough for me as i can still remember raising my middle finger at the stars in the middle of the night and saying 'fuck you!". I was worse than an Atheist a some point in my life as I did not only not believe in the existance of a God but I took it steps further and mock God from the depth of my soul. I was young and I was ignorant but I was not stupid!
There is often someone in a person's life who had to be the catalyst for change, th much needed change of attitude or character and mine came in the form of my martial arts instructor, also the Head of the Religious Department in Terengganu back in the sixties. He and his family sort of adopted me and allowed me to come to an understanding of who I was and what i was looking for not only through the learninf of the Malay Art of Self Defence (Silat Seni Gayung), but also through long nights of playing Scrabble games and while at it having deep converstions on matters of life and religion, of politics and women. My master was a very highly well rounded man of knowledge and was both well verse in matters of the material world as well as the spiritual, thinks like and Englishman and teach like a Mahaguru. It was through Pa'Cik Abu Johan's guidance and uncinditional love that I was able to gradually untangle myself from the tightening ropes of hate and dellusions that was poisoning my teenage mind. Through my teacher's acquaintances I was wxposed to great minds of the time such as the Majistrate and the chief of police back then as they loved to play scrabble and were often out ot beat me as my trump card at being able to hang out with these heads of the government department was that I was good at beating them in the Scrabble game! I learned about life and adulthood idirectly from highly educated well respected and feared men when I was a teenager and this included the Late Sultan of Terengganu, HRH Tuanku Sultan Ismail Nasseruddin Shah the grand father to the present King of Malaysia; I was often his Golf caddie replacement and yes we talked when we were walking towards the golf ball and I learned about why there those born to be rulers and those born to be loosers from the Sultan when I was growing up in Terengganu.
There were many individuals that had come to my psycho-emotional rescue and they helped to heal the pain by removing the ignorance and mostly simply by being there and allowing me to pretty much be and become who I am without too much pressure or coercion but with open hearted compassion and acceptance. I began to accept myself better when I finished secondary school as by then I had come to grips with who or where i stood as a young adult, less confused and angry and more in controll of own feelings. It was then that I chose to set upon my journey to discover my stand, my Dharma position, my faith with regard to God and religion. I could have discovered the answers right where I was but the journey as I now have discovered took me aroung the world into many lives and libraries into many mosques and temples, retreats and taverns; I decided to take God by the beard and the devil by the horns... Yes I became known even as the Cheeseburger Buddha at a stage in my life.

'The God Delusion'

After reading the final chapter of the 'God Delusion' by Richard Dawkin I felt like the Shinkansen or bullet train with her emergency brakes being pulled while it was running high speed headed for Sendai from Tokyo. Everything came to a halt, sound sight smell, my thoughts! I was having my daily morning fix of Nescafe tarik and Moi soup at the Astaka Taman Saadon when this happened and the food court was full of people having the breakfast while Hindustani songs were blarring over the air from a boombox at a close by stall.I attained a momentery state of Satori whereby all was silence despite all that was going on around me or should I say I spaced out without the aid of getting stoned.
I cannot pinpoint what was it that struck me most about Dawkin's rationale over the existance or not of God or the irrelevance of religion in mankind's history, but taken as a whole the book stopped my thinking mind or it tripped me. I do not confess to understanding absolutely all the scientific rationales the author had used for his arguments but from what I could I am impressed at the amount of knowledge and the manner in which the arguments were presented, so convincingly.
Yes, there is No God! There is only Allah and Allah is not a God and the closest mankind can come to describe Allah is like the Taoist ability to describe what is 'TAO'? And what I understand or have come to accept is that Allah is not out there, not sitting up there with a Moses look alike passing down judgements over the whole Galactic system, no Allah is if one has to pinpoint the location, within each and everyone of us at least in essence. Science can discover all the secrets of nature but at the final analysis all will arrive at where it all began, the heart. The physical heart, the spritual heart the heart of the soul where perhaps rest the devine spark that is the mark difference between humans and the rest of creation inclusive of JIns and Angels or aliens and extraterrestrials. I am not one to argue if I have been declared to have been created in my Creator's image or that the Devine essence is within me. Only a fool scientist or otherwise would take so much trouble to disclaim a great gift, for better or for worse. This Wisdom and not all scientists or Atheist for that matter are wise, they may have all the knowledge in the world about all things there to be learned or discovered but that does not make them wise. Wisdom as most ancients has pointed out 'happens' just like Satori.
If Dawkin or the likes of him prefer to knock their heads trying to dismiss the prescence of an ultimate intelligence that is their gig but to impose upon others who would rather evolve towards rediscovering their origins and the mysteries of this origins with such arrogance and intellectual impudence is BULL!
Yes, indeed there is no God! At least not the God that is seen through the eyes of anyone with a bias mind claiming this for that or this against that, comparing analyzing, deucting and eventually postulating all this done with a thinking mind, a mind that is functioned, as scientifically obeserved through the process of brain cells and neurons blah..blah. A mind percceiving the universe through its five aggregates of data collecting instruments inherent in the human physical form, that of eyes, nose, touch, smell and ears, and as most scientist would agree this is very limiting as far as instruments ot unlick the mysteries of the Universe much less "The secret of Secrets". And if and when these western scientific minds are indeed able to untangle the tangle to these questions then what?
I the meantime based upon our ignorant bungglings of our ancestors with regard to religions, the wars, the persecutions the fanatcisms that has resulted til this day and age with even greater vehemence we subject ourselves still with trying to prove or disprove whether there is or there is no God. Does God care? Does God have a religion? No! Religions have God or gods. Humans have Gods, but there is only One Creator and this is not God as our simplistic minds try to rationalize for or against. There is No God, only Allah.

The Dam broke loose

Yesterday I received three emails that brought tears of joy in me as they each carried three positve messages that touched my heart in the deepest corner of my being. I read the first which was from the Penang State Art Gallery telling me that the Director of the National Art gallery in KL has agreed to officiate the oppenning of my Solo Exhibition in July. This news brought about an impetus towards my effort to complete my long scroll sketches which has been dragging in coming to fruition for the last few weeks. The second was from my son the fly boy who has been silence for quite sometime the last few months and got me a little worried. He has his excuses but having received words from him he is alright and has not given up on his Dad has given me a great sigh of relief. Although we have not seen eachother for more then ten years now I still miss him everytime I open my email hoping that there there will be his usual two liners waiting for me like a shot of 'tongkat Ali' to make my day. It is good to know every once in awhile that your son really cares about you even if you have not been there for him a greater part of his life.
The third I read was a real pleasant surprise as it was from a total stranger who had happened to have read my Rambblings of the Cheeseburger Buddha Blog. This young lady I had just found out in today's email about how old she might be, wrote me a lovely letter that had raised my hopes and aspirations and that I am not fumbbling around in the dark all by myself. I had reached out for help in the past and a few friends from the States and Japan had reciprocated in kind which was the extent of my 'experiment' in life of human nature, the test proved both positive and negative. I received some financial support from people who were closest to me, who believed in me and son and I was accused of bring shameless and short of a bum by one or two anonymous friends who left a juicy criticism of my moral decadence in my blog. I am still experimenting with my life testing all possibilities making right and wrong choices knowingly and ready for their repercussions, but these moves ares till my testing ang proving that there is hope and there is compassion, there is light and there darkness, there are those who genuinely care and there are those who assume the worse rather than lend a helping hand or offer a word of kindness instead of a kick in the butt when you are down.

The crow was a subject of study while living in Japan

This young lady's email letter was written so well and tactfully offering me help towards any future need for my children's education broke my heart into tears and I was sobbing for the first time in a long time for all the three positive news I had received in one morning. Allah's greatest gift to His servant is the beggar at the door; I read this somewhere and till this date i have assumed myself a beggar testing Allah's servants and every once in awhile I find a pleasant surprise that there are those whose faith in their fellow beings is still genuinely intact, they are ready to lend a helping hand unconditionally when the needy knocks at their door. Then there those who judged and criticize a whole lot more than they afford to do in easing the the pain or burden in others and these I have found through my personal experiment with all those I had held my out to. Then there are those who I had avoid asking from and they who are aware with plight, directly or indirectly as they are by birth the closest to me , these I avoid on grounds of no comments but they too are a part and parcel of my on going observation of life. The stranger out of the blue is often times much more closer to you than your kith and kin will ever be even if blood is thicker than wine.