In Search of Fear - Part two

 Most skeptics would frown over what I perceive to be 'fear' in my life experiences, I wish i can reveal a whole lot more than I have already where my Tango with fear have taken me to the edge of my sanity. The fear of rejection of being isolated of not being paid attention to can be a very corrosive and toxic negative energy that can cause more than just manic depression. I do not wish to be accuse of sharing horror stories because it sells Online in one form or another. I am actually writing my horror short stories based on real life experiences and the capability  of my creative imagination and sell it Online! Joke aside, I am writing my thoughts down as they materialize on the topic of Fear and why it is vital to confront this attribute we all carry within us and if possible eliminate totally from our conscious mind; if we cannot we will at least pay attention to it more closely so that we are not intimidated by its lurking presence in the back ground like a hungry ghost in the attic that goes thumping in the night to keep you awake.

They come in all shapes and sizes, Tik Tok! YouTube, hell, there creatures that makes you want to throw up that has been uploaded into the Net and it is getting worse as demons and angels are taking forms of heroic or villainous and they look very impressive thanks to the superb imagination of the creators, I think there aught to be an unwritten law that says whether a video or image posted is undoubtedly authentic or is a simulation or manipulation of the technology to scare people more so than they already are...oh how they love the horror movies! Most Malay movies in Malaysia are cattered too the supernatural and the unseen realm of darker side of human nature. We have the Bomoh and Pawang the shaman, the Dukun and the Ustaz who plays the role of being guardians of our twilight realm. In just about nay culture in human history, the fear of the unseen and unknown dimensions has been major Architype that they had to deal with in their minds.  

Then there is the childhood fear, of an event being played out before you as a child that would defy any mind of an adult much so a child's and I was eight of nine at the time. Briefly - The whole family of about thirty adults and children were living in our grand mother's house or known as Rumah Nenek right smack in the center of a mangrove swamp where the whole are is inundated almost daily or nightly depending on the calendar of the high tide and low tide; it is also known as a tidal swamp.The houses were built sometimes more than six feet above the ground just clearing the highest tide of the month. There was no electricity when I was born The incident took place one morning and and affected me; I was the one who saw it from the beginning till the end of the horror show. My Auntie who practically raised me since my birth and given up for adoption to my Uncle was the youngest of the three siblings that were the children of my Grand Parents, my Mother was the eldest and my Uncle was the second. It was a weekend morning and my aunt was sweeping the living room and I was just hanging around and then I noticed she stopped and seemed confused holding her head in her hand.'I don't feel well," she said,"Go and call your Auntie!" Everyone called her MakCak., my auntie who was a Midwife way back when and she was one of my major source of the world of spirits and oily men, of Pontianak and Langsoiyar, Mambangs! Hantu Raya! I was very close to her for this curiosity in me, I needed to experience these stories and my imagination often runs wild as soon as I am exposed to these phenomenal events. And so it happened! I ran out of the house and found my Eldest Auntie chatting with the neighbor on the verandah of the house drinking black coffee and chewing sireh or betelnut chew.

I told her what was going on at home and how my auntie had asked me to get her ASAP. When my Auntie arrived at the house all hell broke loose between the two ladies like they were going to rip each other's face off, yelling and screaming and allot of hair pulling and I was shocked beyond understanding of what the hell was happening. Soon more characters joined the horror show with a whole lot mor cursing and swearing between that we children never heard of uttered by these normally genteel Ladies was beyond me, but I was ripely intrigued and the memory all that happened like how my Auntie who raised me was being possessed by a spirit who had followed her home while she was walking past a Hindu Roadside shrine, it was sharing the umbrella my auntie was heard telling. It took almost four hours of battle royal between my Aunties and another Midwife who came to give her hand in performing the exorcism of my auntie As the saying goes, the Devil is in the details and that is what telling a story is all about. Needless to say on the more serious side, I grew up with this whole event being played out in my childhood mind. I used to sleep in the same bed as her until the episode blew in my face, I immediately found my own mat to sleep on by myself.

So I cannot confidently declare that there is no such thing, these things do not exist, they are a pigment of our collective consciousness and it is perhaps not a cool thing to go around sharing at leas not in the Pubs and the Taverns. Fear comes in many forms and packages and they either build up in intensity over time or they strike instantly without warning shoving you off you balance so hard that you simply loose it, panic, the defense mode sets in and you find yourself climbing a coconut tree to be free from the cobra on the ground., or you a caught with your pants down by your neighbor looking you down the barrel of a shotgun shitting yourself in bed beside his wife; yes fear can happen when you least expect and that is the worse kind. In my dreams or should I say my nightmares, I always feared of not being able to find my way home or my arrive at my destination. As I am getting older i am beginning to understand these dreams and they are not that threatening anymore. It is strange that I seldom find myself threatened by ghostly or monsters in my dreams and i actually find myself looking forward to the battle I would have to fight instead of being forced to wake up from an experience fear, it is our escape route, most of us. Sometimes this action is on automation ready to activate when when the body mind or soul is threatened with pain, or even death. While awake it is little bit more challenging as we are conditioned in our thinking mind to address the external world in a more collective way. very thought you project every feeling you express within or without, every motion you make and every breath you take is involved.

If you truly wish to understand fear, live in Gaza now. With all the videos and images that you see being shared on the Internet, it not hard to imagine what it is like and if you are not touched by the plight of the people of Gaza just now, you do not have to worry about truly knowing the nature of 'Fear!' The fear that comes with guilt and redemption is another form of fear that haunts humanity whether they know it or not. We are all guilty of one thing or another whether we admit it or realize it or not and we carry these gu8ilt with us as we grow older and the closer you approach to gates of eternity the more aware you become of all transgressions of the past ,present and future; as human being we are indeed fucked! The Sadhana or practice is The letting go of negative perceptions and ignorance of the what is real and what is illusions; 'it is a long long road and from which there is no return, that leads us to where, who knows where....' I am attracted to the Buddha's teaching because it helps better to understand the road and the paths, it opens avenues for me to explore and take advantage of in walking my journey mindfully so as to better serve the many who lives are not as fortunate as mine. The virtue of servitude is one of the most potent cure for the fear of redemption from guilt and shame. This form of fear is a long term fear that accumulates and becomes a serious issue when at a ripe old age and one is facing the next major shift into the unknown; are we ready for what lies beyond!

"I dance with the Mothers and I danced with their Fathers, I dance with their sisters and I danced with their brothers and they danced along...'= Sting.- "How Fragile We Are."