Rambling over the present state of my mind.

 

"Sunday Morning woke up yawning filled the pool for a swim..." What or who am I still persistently  kept asking, this same simple question for lack or better things to dream about. I kept going down one rabbit hole after another over the years carrying this question like a Koan, a ball of fire under my belly, burning painfully for an answer; the Ultimate and Complete Truth... the Nature of who I am. I am more than aware that it has become a game to keep my fingers busy and my eyes still alive from seeing the letters and words that are forming as I deal with this simple issue of ,Who Am I? I realize that its beginning to sound worse than a broken record, but it is what it is, if one has an understanding of what Koan is in the Zen Buddhist tradition, one would appreciate better of what it means for me in my practice to have a dream/fantasy journey of 'Self Discovery.' A never ending story of one's own and shared with the entire Internet Plane of Humanity. The numbers are exciting even if they are meaningless for what i am doing or hoping to achieve. Looking at it from my mental health point of view, I must say I have been writing more and more about myself, my thoughts and dreams and so fort, who I cheated on and whose life i destroyed, whose confidence I betrayed, and the list can go on and I say to myself with whole hearted surrender, "Guilty as Charged to every count Your Honor!" Yes, before i end this Ramblings for good and move on to the next plane of existence, I would like to try and savor what it is like to become fully awakened and touch the veil of Enlightenment.

The answer, the simple truth to the significance of this Koan is right before my wyes and has been there all these while, however I had to take many detours getting to where i am at and along these side roads and byways I saw myself more and more as I become a witness to life unfolding before me; in moment like these I would kick myself a kick in the butt to wake up from the Illusion that i am being sucked into as I slowly lull to sleep. On a personal level I would take a walk or a shower or simply take a nap, however on the spiritual level I would write it all down as I am doing right at this moment. 

 "It's a long, long Road,

From which there is no return!

That takes us to where, who knows where?!..." 

With age and some understanding of the nature of what it is to be human with mindfulness practice of loving Kindness towards others especially those in need, I have come to accept the fact that I am now in a state of simply living life while preparing for the inevitability of facing old age and what it entails. There is no turning back and all the bridges have been burned behind me, there is only stepping forward with a more careful steps and lighter load on my back and in my mind; a step towards enlightenment? It seems like there really is no perfect way to live except through making imperfect choices and honest errors, each one of us has his or her own way in the hope of living the perfect life; what is perfect life? I often ask myself and honestly accept that my life after all these years now that I am approaching the final chapters of my days, I find that there is really good answer except that for me if one average happiness more so than sadness, do more good deeds than destructive ones, have more sympathetic/compassionate feelings than than self serving mentality, chances are one is living or have lived a good life. The less regrets one have the more positive an indicator that one is living or has lived a good life and being able to look back with a smirk or a laughter at what has been or what could have been, expressing thank you Lord for all the blessings that You have bestowed upon this undeserving servant of yours, this is like a bonus added to your life well lived. 

Maintaining a lucid mind, being able to drive in heavy traffic, being able to cook and do dishes and laundry, making it a daily practice to feed the pigeons and water the plants every morning is considered to be an accomplishment for a man my age or so they keep saying on You Tube. I am addicted to Internet in more than one way and it has been a very crucial part of my life considering the number of hours I spend everyday surfing the net for one reason or another. It is ironic that for one who meditates to remove the cluttering of images and information and various other thought formations, I am addicted to the Internet, to You Tube, to Netflix and a host of podcasts so much so that by right I should be having a mental overload by now. I consider my mind still lucid for whatever it is worth and as a matter of fact i find my mind more so expressive than it has ever been. It makes more sense too than it has ever been and it is perhaps because of my more intense and focused meditative practices which includes mindfulness walking and how i relate to others on top of my daily sittings, my mind it seems has become more resilient and tolerant towards whatever i encounter on the external; I much less judgmental and not easily prone to anger and if I find myself succumbing to the negative self expressions i would find myself immediately asking God for forgiveness even for having the thoughts let alone give it expression. What can i say at the age of 75! I have lived it my way?! 

Is life a waste of time? To some it is and to others it is not as it a relative issue depending upon the state of mind and existence the individual finds himself or if he even cares to ask himself such a question. Asking the question itself would be a waste of time to most people, like spends day and night trying to answer a question like, what is life, or who an I or why am I here, is there God? No God? what is sin? Why is life considered suffering? In order to keep a lucid mind I ask myself these simple questions and make it a challenge for the mind like a Zen Koan. When the mind becomes lazy, when it stops looking for answers or simply allow for things to slide and live a life of a drifter, having no motivations or goals, no sense of Purpose, Love and of appreciation of Beauty, then I would worry about my state of mind. 

My state of mins is of late pretty much occupied with the suffering that is happening to humanity all around the Globe. With the exposure accorded by the Internet and other various media services, it is hard not to be affected by what is happening. "If you can pluck the lotus without wetting the fingers, you would not be affected by life's trials and tribulations, so says most of the religious teachings, however it is easier said than done. "Life is suffering," said the Buddha and he also said, "None who suffers." I am still figuring that one out.