What does it takes to be a father, forget being an exceptional one, just being one, raising your children in my case, each in their own unique way depending upon the circumstances that they were brought into this world and what they had to endure in the process of growing up. I have four and the eldest just turned fifty, making me feel old. Then there is the second more unfortunate or otherwise depending on how one look at it, who I found out I had a son when he was seventeen tears of age and it was through the E-mail. He grew up in the care of his grand parents and auntie, I was both shocked and pleasantly surprised when I found this out, like oh shit! and Wow! The first thing i wrote to him was, Welcome to the family, you have an elder brother, and a younger one and the youngest a sister. I had my children by three women from the West, two Americans and a Swiss. These have been written I am sure somewhere in this lengthy Blog, however I will try to make sense as best I can as to the how and the why, again the Devil is in the details and the details will drag on too long like the Japanese anime series "One Piece" a bout a group of pirates each having a unique super agility and ability, sailing around on a fantasy adventure, it has over one thousand episodes thus far according to my son, Karim, who has watched most of it. However this Blog has become like a tapestry of episodes, of disjointed incidents and circumstances in the effort to create complete when it is all over; it is therapeutic at least for me to evaluate my life without fear or favor in expressing and exposing what i did and should not have done and where i am headed with all these baggage at the end of my days. Being a father I strongly believe is to firstly come to an understanding of who I am and how I came to be where I am and where I intend to be when I depart this life. It is living my life as an example; I have lived a very rich life filled with guilt and stress and tasted the best and the worse life has to offer.
I leave this Blog as my legacy to my children that they have some sense as to where I am at as far as religion and spiritual practice in my life is. If they choose not to read my Blog, there is little that i can do bu to carry one setting good examples in how i live my life. I am not a perfect man, never was and perhaps never will be, but I have lived life to the fullest as far as I can see. Could I have done better? Perhaps, but what is better? Who dictates better and by what measure? In the effort to heal my splintered soul through the practice of simple discipline like Zen Meditation and Yoga, prayer and servitude I am still in the midst of setting my path straight as I move forward. It is of no use to talk or lecture or yell at on how to behave to your kids, the kids today are much smarter than those of my generation. Patience is the antidote to solving any conflict in the family and this virtue does not come by without cultivation over time through careful awareness and acceptance. Never let your ego stand in your way off walking away or accepting defeat when confronting the kids, in time Patience and Faith will help to mend their ways and yours and I am learning this at seventy five. Spiritually speaking, this is what I understand to be living in servitude, living to serve others, to help ease their ways, even if by simply able to listen, to smile, this is servitude, and as charity is said to begin at home, I focus my practice on my children and how to be remembered when I am dead and gone; I did it my Way...I hope they understand.
Some fathers or should I say most fathers faces great financial challenge when raising a child and those who were able to put their children through college are considered good successful fathers as far as securing a sustainable financial future for them. I have observed quite closely the different characters that my four children have grown into based upon their circumstances of their upbringing, environmental and social impacts and parental conditions or state of affairs. I can only make up my own personal summation without prejudice and with the love and intention of a father on the road to find out about himself, how he fared in the course of living as a man. My daughter a few days ago while talking about Malaysians or Asians married to Westerners take pride of themselves taking it as a sign of accomplishment, one step further than the ordinary guy. The subject was about a Millionaire Chinese doctor married to an English lady. I snickered to myself and whispered to her," Ya! but I fathered four children by three Western women. and there is not a dime in the bank, as a matter of fact i don't even have a bank account to my name, where do I stand as a man!" "You are Captain Jack Sparrow, Dad, you have scattered you seed all over more than most men." She shot back at me. Marissa has grown into a fiesty and no nonsence , no holds barred attitude of me at her age and her mother's talents to being a survivor with a big compassionate heart towards others, Master's degree in linguistic studies, my late wife had and she can talk write and teach Japanese and an ESL teacher out of University of Berkley, Ca. Marissa haas grown into her personality as I had fully anticipated raising her from the first day of her life, I changed her first diaper with the help of our neighbor Mrs. Tomi Nagai Roth, the formerly wife of Peter Roth who lived on the same block as we did and that was on 2nd. and Balboa a city's block from the Golden Gate Park. I was the designated sitter and my wife worked to pay the rent. Both Karim and Marissa haad the run of the G.G.Park when they were 1-2 years old and they had a big group of gang at the Rossi Park where all the neighborhood Baby sitters dads and Moms would take their kids to hang out with the kids, someone is always celebrating something and there was food from every part of the world as these folks were a mixed bunch of Moms and Dads from all over the world. I met one of my closest friend Memo Folco and his wife Therese at the park. Both Karim and Marissa were born in San Francisco. Kartim was born at the Davis Medical Center as she was a faculty member of the UC University system; she had a room all to herself with the view of the G.G.Bridge, the downtown Market Street and the room came with a jacuzzi, this was where I was able to listen to rhythm of the beating heart of my son played loudly on the audio box, I played the flute while the mother and child, they slept.
Marissa was born at the St. ? Hospital on Army in the The Mission District or was it Valencia the area of San Francisco where the migrants from Guatemala and Honduras and a host of other folks from South America ended up in this district. Of the ten years of my life in the Bay Area, this was where i spent most of my time living as soon as I was kicked out of the Zen Center at Green Gulch. My life began as a homeless man on the streets of San Francisco before i met Nancy Buss Bahari and that is another tale has yet to be shared or perhaps already had in the past postings. I don't mind relating it time and again as I am reliving the moments of my life in the past in more detailed and complete way and writing to make sense out of all the non-sense. what does it all to do with being a good Dad to your kids?! The Devil is in the details and the details are deep rooted karma that has and will always be with me until I pull each and every one of them out by the roots and replace them with the lessons learned, aa gift, a blessing and even a Grace and if you believe in Magic, a Miracle! " Just to be able to walk this earth is a Miracle said my Zen Master The late Rev. Thich Nhat Hahn, the Abbot of Plum Blossom Village. " You just keep being who you are," he said to me when we had an one on one discussion in his small room at the lower floor of the Wheelwright Center at Green Gulch Farm. One of our topic of discussion was how to help the Boat People, Vietnamese refugees seeking asylum who arrived in the waters off the coast of Terengganu. I told I would look into the matter if and when I return to Malaysia and I later did. I had a gun pointed at my head when I tried to take pictures of a Boat load of Vietnamese refugees washed up the beach right before my eyes. I was not scared but more like i felt what and idiot i was to start taking pictures of this highly sensitive event unfolding before me with the Local enforcement standing by! I felt stupid because the officer who held the gun to my head was a childhood friend and hunting buddy. He had his laugh. This was how I learned about Pulau Bidong and how the refugees were handled. IN my teenage years, Pulau Bidong was one of the most favorite Island we used to visit in the sixties when there was not a soul on the island much less tourists or refugees an occasional fishing boat, maybe. Tis was where my friend Jamal who pointed his gun at my head, fell into the water and had his shoulder pierced by sea urchins poisonous barbs, I spent quite a long time trying to extract each black needle buried into his flesh in the dark with the help of a flash light. Jamal was like our elder brother back then.
Live life i say to myself like one that they can make a movie out of if they can of forget about living, just drift along with the flow of time and space effortlessly and when it is all over be able to look back and wonder, what the hell just happened?! Was that all there was to it? That was life? Who wrote the script? A father is not unlike a priest, the holy father, the man who carries the cross around the house. a father is the Buddha who forgot every so often to catch his breadth, he must have a good story to tell of how he had lived his life and does not need to lie about it of make believe and entertaining so much so it fulfills all the intended purpose of this practice, this Way of the Gateless Gate. I feel like to be a healthy and strong image of a dad, you have to become a perfect Director/Actor of your own movie, the how to become a good dad movie. I feel at this stage I am beginning to connect the dots and the lines that has brought me thus far in life and i might add, not too bad! Not too shabby for a reject from mudhole to be most intriguing and interesting man to be called a Dad! Marissa my daughter has an anger management issue just like her Dad.
They asked the Buddha about being a good father... to be Contd.
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