Revisiting Green Bay, Wisconsin.- Part One.

 

"No one is going to figure out your life, It's your responsibility."

"Not everyone will like you, that's life."

"Shit Happens!"

"Go f..k yourself!"

"Holy Shit!"

A few self expressions I used to be well acquainted with when I was living in the United States, these were the real self -expression in a typical daily conversation while i went to school at the UWGB or University of Wisconsin, at Green Bay and prior to that after i had spent three years of my life as a boner or meat cutter at the Green Bay Meats and Cold Storage sometime in 1970s. I had a few jolts in my life, like suddenly finding myself with a wife and a four month old baby spending my first Wisconsin winter in Duck Creek, Brown County, Green Bay, Wisc. Next to the Farr's Grove, the local Tavern in Duck Creek where i think I was the first colored guy some of the regulars had ever met at the tavern, Thanks to the owner, Mr. Chester Farr and his wife, they took my small family and I under their wings and we became a member of The Farr's Clan. I remember My late mother in law, Mrs. Beatrice Goerst made sure that my wife, my infant son and I was comfortable by turning the heater up full blast to keep us warm  especially me who was experiencing my first winter in Wisconsin. We had arrived from Malaysia after a three days of travelling by air and were later found to be infected by shigela worm from the flight and were imposed quarantine for the whole family for a week or so before we were cleared by the health department.  My arrival to the United States was as challenging a moment in my life as anything else I can remember.

I was twenty five years hitting on twenty six when I met my first wife and married her a month later in Georgetown, Penang at the Sungai Pinang House which isa now better known as Selera Wawasan Restoran. Having to face with to much challenges, from Immigration to place to stay, we decided to take our chances in Green Bay, Wisconsin. It was in August and it was Fall in Wisconsin and the skies was grey and the leafless trees stood tall against the dogshit colored skies, this was what i found myself thrown into, out of the frying pan into the colds of Wisconsin. Green bay and the general lakeside areas of Lake Michigan experiences among the coldest winters in the whole of the United States including Alaska. I had experienced living in a Mobil Home that had no heat during the coldest spell in Green Bay with the temperature that ran  100 degrees below zero with wind chill factor. The gas and water pipes buried underground were cracked open.  But I enjoyed every winter months in Wisconsin, snow evoked purity and minimalism in nature and it opened my mind to a whole new dimension, of how to cope with  Wisconsin Winter. My life in Wisconsin began after I had an awakening experience, an experience that jolted me into action, taking my life into my own hands.

It happened one cold and gloomy afternoon and I was sitting in the Lazy Boy watching Gilligan's Island in Black and White on TV when suddenly i noticed from the corner of my eye huge cotton balls were floating down, swaying from side to side soundlessly from the grey sky, White and Pure! I jumped out of the chair and dashed out of the house into the backyard and stood witth my hands stretched out and my head pointing to the sky with my mouth open and my tongue sticking out trying to catch the snowflakes falling. It was after I heard my mother in law shouting from the kitchen door for me to get back in the house before I freeze my butt that i realized I was barefooted and had only a sarong, {skirt- wrap around} and T-Shirt on dancing like a clown in circles to be witnessed by the entire Sunday morning clients at the Tavern across from the parking  lot. I became the laughing stock of the red neck from all around the Duck Creek area. Like, "What the f..k?! Check this guy out hey! He is dancing in the cold with only a skirt on out there.!"

I turned into the house and while walking in I had the voice within me clear in my head saying in Malay, "Hang ada dinegeri orang, sapa pon tak kenai hang! Hang taku ka, Hang berani ka, Hang tepok Dada selera, baik buruk dalam tangan Hang!" Which translated simply means, you are in a foreign country where no one knows who you are, whether you are strong or weak, good or bad , just chins up and make your choice! I started living again, " No one is going to figure out your life for you, it's your responsibility."; I took my responsibility by the horns and after three years had everything but started to loose my soul, literally, I became worse than the hundreds of cattle that I had worked on the boning table. My experience as a meat boner at The Packing Houses in Green Bay and later Milwaukee. at Peck Meat Packing dehumanized me in the worse possible ways. I threw caution to the wind and became an alcoholic, a drunk who was not happy with how life had turned out to be; I was in despair and angry at myself and took it on my wife and child. Our divorce was immanent and I had to give custody of my child who later oved to Germany with his mom to continue his high school education. I was happy to let him go as I knew it was blessing for him, in disguise and I had nothing to offer at the time.

The few words exchanged between my former wife and I was,

" Sure, now you are free and you are dumping the kid for me to care!" she said something to the effect.

and I said to her, " If i take him, you will not see him again unless you are willing to travel to Malaysia to see him, cause that is what i will do if he was left in my custody. At least i have my family to help me care for him." Our divorce lawyer was x-wife's employer and was a very close buddy of mine so much so that I did not have to pay for the lawyer cost and my x was pissed about it. It was his personal advice to me that listened to and took the way out of my marriage before it got uglier than it already was. I was scared, I was ashamed and I felt humiliated and dehumanized for every negative action that I subjected our relationship to, but I was also relieved and perhaps felt fortunate to be free from the life style that was very toxic for me. " Not everyone will like you, that's life." I do not expect forgiveness for my transgressions, but i have to untangle the tangle of how I could have fallen so low into the depth of depravity and violence; I was lost, totally lost after worked at the the meat packing houses in Wisconsin.

Yes, "Shit happens!' and some in a big way while others were more tolerable and loosing my wife and son was the major kick in my guts and in my spirit, my heart was broken but i had none to turn to except the bottle and sleezy bars and porno -flicks to kill my time in between killing myself at the meat table and being home alone. Then came Allen Hautamaki our close friend at the apartment in Green Bay. Allen upon learning of my poor state of affairs talked my into going to college and the University at Green Bay where he was a student councilor and the rest is history. "Holy Shit!" The transformation from a meat cutter to a University student was short of a miracle and in a way another kick in the butt for my road towards self discovery, like the question was all along there demanding for an answer, Who am I? and "Go f..k yourself?" If you ever step into the Jake's Pizza Place on East Main Street, in Green Bay, Wisc. say hi to the owner for me and tell him i will take the usual. I will next door at the Wolf's Den checking out the chicks for a bit...Ya Hey! Green Bay! Go Packers!

.