Revisiting Green Bay,Wisc. -Part three

 For eight years of my life i spent living in the cold country and came close to ending my own life twice but failed. For eight years i found friendship and love that knew no bounds. For 8 years i traded my soul for a life of hedonism and lust, I allowed my ego to rum free. I was faced with a matter of survival or freeze my ass in the cold Wisconsin night. I remember standing one evening waiting for the bus on main street with only my army jacket and long johns on underneath my sweater and it was so cold that i could feel every bone in my body and at one moment felt detached from my body  and witnessed myself standing out in the cold under the street light, waiting for a bus. riding  the bus was a respite from the cold and the and all along the ride I would ask of myself how and why I had ended up in such a dire state of consciousness. if I am asked what was the most beautiful about Green Bay, I would gladly say - The women! My love and respect for all of them those I have touched and they touched my life, I say I am sorry. and I am grateful and cherish every moment we shared. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you and forgive me if I hurt or made you feel bad when we parted our ways, I am sorry. The Ladies of Green Bay, I salute you better than I salute the Packers. I have had the best of times and the worse and I accept both most willingly as a part and parcel of who I was and who i have become.

I found a  part of me that was hidden within that surfaces in my hours of need as a guiding and protecting light or essence and I have felt this more after I was initiated into the Spiritual nature of the Silat Gayung, a Malay form of Martial Arts propagated by the Maha Guru Meor Abdul Rahman who was resident in Singapore. I was a student of the then Ketua Pejabat Ugama, or Head of the Religious Department for the State of Terengganu, Encik Abu Johan or better known to us the students as Pak Abu. In a ritual held at his house  I was initiated with a Khadam or spiritual friend with a name which I cannot reveal but the name is very commonly used in the Palestinian =Israel issue and the name hails from Lebanon. There, I have practically revealed another aspect of who I was  and where I have been and what I have done or experienced. Connecting the dots to my past, keeping a track record of my trip on this path to find out. At this ceremony which was held at night was witnessed by more than ten adults most having to do with the Art of Subud. "Subud is an International Interfaith Movement that began in Indonesia in the 1920s founded by Mohammad Subuh Sumohadiwidhjojo {1901 - 1987}" - Wikipedia.

 I was sitted in the middle of the circle and facing my instructor, the man who volunteered to give me this gift; a sprit friend from the other side. After reciting a few verses from the Quran I was instructed to empty my minds I hear the sound of hands clapping on the ceramic floor getting louder and louder as they converged and got close to me. Then with the flick of a finger at my earlobe it all fell into absolute silence. Like the main circuit breaker was ripped off the wall, total darkness and silence The sound of the TV in the next living room was gone and the sound of the clapping hands was gone and I sat there in the darkness experiencing void, emptiness I push my hand downwards, no floor. 

Then I felt a presence just above my neck area and it got more and more intense until my whole body just shook, my head swung left and right so rapidly and I had no control over it and my whole body twisted and turned until came to a quiet comfortable position and I heard my Instructor introducing my spiritual friend to me. I once wrote a paper on this experience for an Interpersonal Communications Class at UWGB, it was rebuffed and frowned upon as a made up story. Danial Rosenberg was not one of my favorite professors needless to say, however I must give credit for having the Flare about him! There were good professors and there were those you can live without. The good ones you learn life's lessons and what it takes to become your dream, to transcend life's schooling and enter the major league, become awakened, become a Buddha! Step out of existence and enter Nirvana. Become liberated and free from the clinging's of Maya. Perhaps it was an illusion no doubt like all experiences ever manifest by the mind, it is all an grand illusion the will soon end on a grand scale of mass extinction and global pandemic; it is all an illusion...is it? 

I have written on may postings of how i finally left Green Bay, Wisconsin at the sin of being redundant i will to give the gist of the story just so i can bring to a close this three part series of life in the Mid Western State of Wisconsin. 

Why Not? What better things is there to do?

 "The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older,

  shorter of breath cause you to death.!" - Pink Floyd 

Just got to keep reminding this self that the time is almost at hand for a wrapping up of the whole Blogging trip. This documentation of who I am where i have been and what I have done. It is time to come up with a conclusion if not a conciliation of understanding of the why and so forth to begin with, like why did I wanted to write about myself since 1978 till this day. What was my intention, what had hoped to achieve at the end of the journey. I have spent a good numbers of hours and days if not years of my life writing down my thoughts trying to make sense out of non-sense, trying to justify though not convincing, exposing and revealing past actions and experiences that has affected my present state of being. The road that has led to this mount on top which I stand and claim my right to become that which I seek, to assume the role of a complete and perfect being -Sat - while in this realm in this time of the Kali Yuga. It is time to lay aside my ego, remove my mask and become empty of being itself, it is time to enter silence. I shall henceforth double my effort in getting my mental chatter to the most minimum like in dealing with the present day to day activity, my daily routine. To fully accept that there is no I that is doing or performing but only action itself. I may not fully succeed at doing this however i have planted the seed of awareness in this matter into my consciousness, it is my consciousness that acts or projects what is  as Is.

Letting go is never easy, however letting go I must, slowly bit by bit I have to let go of the past that has taken root in my mind and keeps reemerging off and on and I have to learn to become detached from my present actions by removing myself from being a doer, a witness, an observer a documenter; I am no more. I exist and I don't, I am here and I am not, time it seems is beginning to makes less and less sense, a repetition of actions day in day out, there is change and there is no change and all relative to one's perception. I am creating illusion to destroy illusion; I am the illusion, I do not exist and it is not because i read it in a book or listened to a great Guru talk on You Tube, no it is because I have taken the long tedious road towards getting here where i am at; I have earned the rites of passage to write and admit what i wish to if it helps to heal and liberate my own splintered soul. This is and has always been one of my portal for letting go of my past, my egoic mind my deluded self, my garbage bin filled with deleted thoughts and experiences of the past ; this is my Safety Valve for the release of excess non-functional energies, my stress and tensions, my headaches and lower back pains, my doubts, paranoia and fears as I continue on this path for better or worse.

What would it be like to let go of all the narratives , the imaginations, the perceptions, the thoughts and dreams and desires, what would it be like to become free of the "I" thought. No choice to be made no desires to be fulfilled and no death to be feared of and no Suffering. As the Wise One  is said to have said, "Suffering Is, None who Suffers, Nirvana, Is but none who Attains It." What would it be like to become absolutely detach from this existence itself in any form shape or presence, what would it be like if you have no idea whatsoever of who you are or what you are and all there is is just, This! , What would reality be like for you being here and now and knowing that there is no you at all to begin with, to become or not to become. Dare you take that one step beyond? or Are you even any where close to take that step into the unknown, the Void, The abyss, The Gateless Gate; choices to be made, choices that confronts your very sanity, your present state of mind, your egoic mind, that which will fight to last drop if need be to stay alive and fully convince you to become who you think you are.  It is the Ego's death that needs to happen if I am to become free from all my karmic consequences of the past, present and future; I need to let go of my Ego, this personality that I have assumed over  the past seventy odd years, perhaps only then would i become free of my narratives...etc.

Maha Bhava, Love and devotion to God, the Higher Order, or Supreme Consciousness and Satyam, that which is true, authentic will lead to intelligence, chit. I am just rambling off my mind so don't take too seriously of what i am sharing, I could be wrong about all these. On this Sunday morning after doing my chores and sitting for few moments to settle down I sat and watched an almost full moon setting down behind the Penang Hill while on the opposite side the sun is rising in full blaze. I told myself that i could never retell the moment, the feeling I had, the thoughts that try to scramble my silence, the stories that wanted to be told about the moment as I sat in deep meditation while focused upon a setting planet closest to mine whose presence I often took for granted. For a moment in time i felt the silence and before me stretch a bird's eye view of the whole Batu Gantung Chinese cemetery and the layout of the whole Air Itam Area with the Kek Lok Si temple sitting at the foot of the hill, with the sound of traffic and dogs barking and birds arguing, I felt the silence;  I was at peace with the Whole.

Unsui, meaning clouds and water by one translation, in the Zen tradition Unsui carries a deeper meaning and that to mean the presence of impermanence in our lives. Just as the moon slipped behind the hills, a moment is lost forever just like white clouds before an empty blue sky. Such Is! A lesson learned from Buddhism, that Impermanence is the cause of suffering second only to Desire. It's my take, my understanding of what i had learned correct me if i am not accurate. Nothing is permanent or eternal in this life not that which in nature or created, nothing save the Spirit; it belongs to the Lord and will return to the Lord at the End of Days. Having knowledge of this is the cause of human suffering, he knowledge of one's own demise is imminent. This realization has laid a very strong impact upon one's own take on life, how I perceive and accept what life has pushed my way and how i have been assisted now and again by Divine Grace that every so often in some small ways had made my life not too bad after all compared to many others less fortunate. Impermanence is beacon of understanding the true nature of what life is, that we are here just for duration of time and then we move on to the next level or phase of our evolution, albeit evolving towards becoming a toad or a prince in our next cycle. off course this will not work out well if one is a Muslim or a Christian or any of the People of the Book. The believe is reincarnation is a messy subject when put in the form of comparison with other faiths; I hold a strong believe in the evolution of the Human Spirit as he live his life from cradle to grave, before and much after till he is liberated from Ignorance.

Ignorance another cause of human suffering is not just being dumb or stupid but also being too lazy to learn, to take the trouble to understand and to ask questions and demand the right answers, the Truth. Ignorance id living in a mirage created by the forms of illusions projected into being by one's own ignorant mind or the mass projections of the Conditioned Collective Minds. To overcome ignorance is another form of healing practice, practice of finding the right balance and correct doses of what we need and not what we want in order that we may live a blissful life despite all the past trials and tribulations we have been through. 

 

Taipusam was here and ended - Lord Murugan is back at his own Palace.

 

Yesterday was Thaipusam celebration day here in Georgetown, Penang but this time i had no energy to join  the fan fair, I have always enjoyed watching the young boys dancing along with the Kavadi bearer possibly their brother or cousin or closest friend and the dance accompanying the repentance to the mountain temple in the Botanical gardens Area where the Lord Murugan resides for one day to be with his Consort like a date. The idol of a foot tall of the Lord is a one foot tall solid gold figurine that my father had created when he was employed by the De Silva Jewelry in his younger days to forge this idol.   it was my father who once asked me if I knew why the idol appeared black, he said it because of oxidation caused by the milk being poured onto the figurine, it was then that Learned that my father was no ordinary Goldsmith in his days. He also had a picture of one of his creations for the first Permaisuri Agong, H.R.H, the first Queen of the country. It was a large pendant triangular in shape and studded with 300 tiny jewels. Thaipusam always will the memory of my father he had his weaknesses but was loyal to his wife till the end of his life. 

Tun Dr. Mahathir has been making waves lately getting things stirred up between the races in order to deviate from joining the 'court cluster' of Najib Razak a, Tun Daim and lately Mahathir's own Son has be brought before the anti corruption department for fact checking of their multi million if not billion personal assets. I'm not pro Mahathir from the beginning but neither had I spoken ill of the old man however I feel that it is time for the Cheeseburger Buddha to let his take on all these politics of this country be made known. The nation is at risk and will bear the brunt of all if any decisions made to disrupt the Government at this time, very bad if irresponsible timing. The Tun may be right in all his observations but being right at this moment is not exactly right. The move to topple the government by any means at this time in pour history is tantamount to a treason towards the Nation as a whole. It is an ill will effort taken to cater towards self serving self preserving sentiment. The use of guilt and threat of violence between the different races is a poor excuse for a country that had once been called the One of the Asian Tigers.  Today a man cannot walk the street of London or new York without feeling like still living in a Third World, Colonialized country.  I feel like my intelligence has been smeared with the crap of the politicians who were voted to run this Nation. It is a rich country by all standards where just about everything every major resources are  available locally, what could go wrong! Yet we are becoming no better than Myanmar or Vietnam. 

It is a sad state we are in as more and more are becoming disfranchised and stuck with uncertainty and confusion as to where the country is headed for. One would think it would be simple common sense to let things go for now it it does not serve the prosperity and safety of the Nation as a whole  instead of stirring up the most sensitive issues especially relating to race and religion. The intention is glaringly written before us, to topple the present government by any means by creating discord among the people and it is working. How do we tell those who are in power and those who are trying to topple it to settle down for now and focus on the well of the Nation's stability. It does not take a genius to point out that things are not doing so well globally and we will face the backlash of most of what is taking place in many countries where war is immanent if not already. Our very sanity will hang upon how we manage to face the upcoming events which is about to throw this world into chaos. War is not an impossibility when China and America comes face to face or Russian and Iran decides that enough is enough. We will face food shortages and economic mess , not that we already are. The devil is in the details and it is a matter of doing one's job albeit one is the Prime Minister or a rice farmer for the better benefit of the whole.

I often wondered about those who have more than they need, much more than some and we are talking millions if not billions stashed all over the legal and illegal accounts offshore or otherwise. A man can only eat one mouth full at a time and sleep under one roof even if be in a palace or a hut, what happens to the rest of the wealth they accumulated when they too are no more around? The Buddha had warned that man is affected by three ailments and that being Greed, Hate and Ignorance and today more than ever it is apparently true. Hoarding has become a way of maintaining one's wealth but ironically the wealth hidden away serves none but the hoarder and its family and friends. What happen to giving and sharing what happened to compassion and love towards the the very people you have take from rightfully or otherwise? The likes of Tum Daim could have set up hospitals and schools, provided grants and trusts for the benefit of the nation instead od stacking the wealth in some bank somewhere or in properties that one does not even step into in this lifetime. Leave with a name well thought of instead leaving a sour legacy behind. This country needs well run medical facilities for the physical as well as the mental patients and it could do with high grade doctors and nurses who are committed to their jobs, so pay them well. Similarly pay the teachers and academicians well if we are to foster good education through the nation; keeping your wealth under the mattress will not make this  happen and depending on the government alone will not find a solution; Will the rich ever be awaken to this simple truth or are they purposely blind to the fact that giving is a means to solve the nation's as well as their problems at least they can sleep nights with clean and clear conscience.

Thaipusam is an annual celebration and it is a celebration of redemption, of acceptance and a show of gratefulness towards the Divine Grace. Those who perform the Khavadi or self mortification act as a penance or for whatever reason intended undertakes a grueling trip from one end to the other of a about 10 kilometers walk sometimes in the blistering heat and sometimes in torrential rain carrying on their backs the platform that carries the images of the Hindu Deities. Hooks and long pointed needles are skuwered into their skin and through cheeks and tongue. Oblivious to the pain these devotees walk swaying rom side to side in a dancing motion  to the loud music and drum beaters the crowd cheered them on every step of the way till they get to the temple on top of the hill where they are free from their ordeal. 

                                                      How well do you know of Hindism?

 "May we exist with the purity of a lotus from muddy waters." 

    

 

Revisiting Green Bay, Wisc - Part Two.

I miss my young friend Jerry Sule, a Plumber in Green Bay, Wisconsin although we still keep in touch through the Internet links. When he was w=about seventeen the two of us drove from Green Bay all the way down to the Southern most of New Mexico, I was in my thirties then and was a student at the University of Wisconsin at Green Bay, UWGB. The trip was part of my program for my Independent Studies at the University. I designed my own course through a program called , University Without Walls, a program set up by the UW-Madison, Wisc. I qualified myself to be allowed the program which included having a grade 3/75 average and writing a letter of proposal and deliberating my intention which was handed to four different faculty members at the University and later an interview by the same Professors to make sure I knew what i was doing. I did not have to appear before and meeting and was given the green light. My first trip was to England ad later followed by the trip to The South Western States of New Mexico, Arizona and Colorado. The rest was history that I most probably have repeated umpteen times in this lengthy Blog. #greenbaywisc, #uwgb, #uwmadison, 

I owed the Sulle Family a debt of gratitude for having been allowed to sleep in their basement while I was going to school at UWGB. Mrs. Mariane Sulle was like my mother and Chuck Sule was like an older brother who accepted me into his family despite having five young boys of their own. During those days it was told that the Sule Brothers rule Green Bay, you get into trouble with one and you bear the consequences of meeting the other four. I remember getting into trouble at a bar called The Duck Duck Goose located in on East Main Street and was about to be knifed by a Mexican when I saw a large arm held the man in a strangle hold and I saw it was Jerry Sulle who happened to be there. I eat, sleep and shit the Sules' on Hickory Drive and got to know Tanya the Husky bitch who likes to snap at your fingers if you try to be nice to her but after sometime we got to know each other and I enjoyed walking her around the area. My first boy, The Naz, used to visit me and got know Tanya better than I did. During these years of my life I used to call it of Basement and Boxes, Unsui - The Way of the Cloud, it was the essence of my physical existence back then, it was minimal living, traveled very light as a homeless. 

While attending school I used to live on Humboldt Road very close to the University. It was an old wooded farm house with a dilapidated barn that housed among other things a relic Bi-plane or what used to be one. Two wooden silos lean precariously next to each other as though hoping for support. The farm house was over a hundred years of age was a picture worth a Norman Rockwell painting. In later spring and summer as far the eye can see is the green corn field and later in winter a sea of pure white snow, it did wonders to my sensual senses and set my imagination drifting far and wide.. The owner, my Landlord was a Mr. Leon P. Lodl, about in his early fifties at the time, worked with the water department I think and lives alone at the house, most of the time. Leon also bought and owned a church up North in Iron Mountain, Michigan, and was in the process of renovating it into a Ski Lodge. I went up there with him a few times especially during the Fall season when the leaves turn their colors. Standing at the top of the International  Iron Mountain Ski Ramp  one can see four States all at once and the sea of colors like you have never or will never experience radiates from where you stand making it another picture worth to be painted as a Norman Rockwell...you just have to Be there. #ironmountainskiram, #normanrockwell, # 

I stayed at the old Farm House of Humboltd Road for two years and was at my creative high while attending college as an Art student. I had a few relationship while I was drifting back and forth doing my studies and I was becoming an alcoholic and drug  abuser which mostly was Marijuana as I never like to used any other than. However the combination of all the circumstances of my life back then I was attached to these destructive habits as a result. As the devil is in the details, I will not dwell too deeply beyond what is, as my private life draws a line here. I owe it to all those i fell in love with and shared a few years here and there a debt of gratitude and the hope for forgiveness for all my wrong decisions and poor moves. I am simply moving on and let this be my final effort at reconciliation with myself of things done wrong in the past; I will no more be attached to this scenario that was my past. As i have mentioned before I simply am writing as my mind dictates as my subconscious reveals itself time and again of this  narrative, it is sometimes like watching lumps of shit surfacing out of the depth to remind you of who you are or you think you are.

Leon Lodl was a jazz and classical music lover and had a great collection of related albums which we would listen to every evening while laying in bean bags facing a blazing fire over a bottle of red wine, what else could go wrong? Leon was a very deep and knowledgeable well respected by his peers. and had four adult children who visited him every now and then; he was divorced and thus lives by himself. He drove an old black colored Beatle Bug which had a small trailer attached behind with which he hauled the materials he needed up north. He had my respect and admiration the man who was voracious reader and at one point decided to apply to work on Tonga Island out in the Pacific somewhere. The Farm on Humboldt Road was one of the conner stone of my life where I learned about life like I could have learned nowhere else; it was what it felt like being a complete Green Bay boy; Ya Hey! Green Bay! 

Revisiting Green Bay, Wisconsin.- Part One.

 

"No one is going to figure out your life, It's your responsibility."

"Not everyone will like you, that's life."

"Shit Happens!"

"Go f..k yourself!"

"Holy Shit!"

A few self expressions I used to be well acquainted with when I was living in the United States, these were the real self -expression in a typical daily conversation while i went to school at the UWGB or University of Wisconsin, at Green Bay and prior to that after i had spent three years of my life as a boner or meat cutter at the Green Bay Meats and Cold Storage sometime in 1970s. I had a few jolts in my life, like suddenly finding myself with a wife and a four month old baby spending my first Wisconsin winter in Duck Creek, Brown County, Green Bay, Wisc. Next to the Farr's Grove, the local Tavern in Duck Creek where i think I was the first colored guy some of the regulars had ever met at the tavern, Thanks to the owner, Mr. Chester Farr and his wife, they took my small family and I under their wings and we became a member of The Farr's Clan. I remember My late mother in law, Mrs. Beatrice Goerst made sure that my wife, my infant son and I was comfortable by turning the heater up full blast to keep us warm  especially me who was experiencing my first winter in Wisconsin. We had arrived from Malaysia after a three days of travelling by air and were later found to be infected by shigela worm from the flight and were imposed quarantine for the whole family for a week or so before we were cleared by the health department.  My arrival to the United States was as challenging a moment in my life as anything else I can remember.

I was twenty five years hitting on twenty six when I met my first wife and married her a month later in Georgetown, Penang at the Sungai Pinang House which isa now better known as Selera Wawasan Restoran. Having to face with to much challenges, from Immigration to place to stay, we decided to take our chances in Green Bay, Wisconsin. It was in August and it was Fall in Wisconsin and the skies was grey and the leafless trees stood tall against the dogshit colored skies, this was what i found myself thrown into, out of the frying pan into the colds of Wisconsin. Green bay and the general lakeside areas of Lake Michigan experiences among the coldest winters in the whole of the United States including Alaska. I had experienced living in a Mobil Home that had no heat during the coldest spell in Green Bay with the temperature that ran  100 degrees below zero with wind chill factor. The gas and water pipes buried underground were cracked open.  But I enjoyed every winter months in Wisconsin, snow evoked purity and minimalism in nature and it opened my mind to a whole new dimension, of how to cope with  Wisconsin Winter. My life in Wisconsin began after I had an awakening experience, an experience that jolted me into action, taking my life into my own hands.

It happened one cold and gloomy afternoon and I was sitting in the Lazy Boy watching Gilligan's Island in Black and White on TV when suddenly i noticed from the corner of my eye huge cotton balls were floating down, swaying from side to side soundlessly from the grey sky, White and Pure! I jumped out of the chair and dashed out of the house into the backyard and stood witth my hands stretched out and my head pointing to the sky with my mouth open and my tongue sticking out trying to catch the snowflakes falling. It was after I heard my mother in law shouting from the kitchen door for me to get back in the house before I freeze my butt that i realized I was barefooted and had only a sarong, {skirt- wrap around} and T-Shirt on dancing like a clown in circles to be witnessed by the entire Sunday morning clients at the Tavern across from the parking  lot. I became the laughing stock of the red neck from all around the Duck Creek area. Like, "What the f..k?! Check this guy out hey! He is dancing in the cold with only a skirt on out there.!"

I turned into the house and while walking in I had the voice within me clear in my head saying in Malay, "Hang ada dinegeri orang, sapa pon tak kenai hang! Hang taku ka, Hang berani ka, Hang tepok Dada selera, baik buruk dalam tangan Hang!" Which translated simply means, you are in a foreign country where no one knows who you are, whether you are strong or weak, good or bad , just chins up and make your choice! I started living again, " No one is going to figure out your life for you, it's your responsibility."; I took my responsibility by the horns and after three years had everything but started to loose my soul, literally, I became worse than the hundreds of cattle that I had worked on the boning table. My experience as a meat boner at The Packing Houses in Green Bay and later Milwaukee. at Peck Meat Packing dehumanized me in the worse possible ways. I threw caution to the wind and became an alcoholic, a drunk who was not happy with how life had turned out to be; I was in despair and angry at myself and took it on my wife and child. Our divorce was immanent and I had to give custody of my child who later oved to Germany with his mom to continue his high school education. I was happy to let him go as I knew it was blessing for him, in disguise and I had nothing to offer at the time.

The few words exchanged between my former wife and I was,

" Sure, now you are free and you are dumping the kid for me to care!" she said something to the effect.

and I said to her, " If i take him, you will not see him again unless you are willing to travel to Malaysia to see him, cause that is what i will do if he was left in my custody. At least i have my family to help me care for him." Our divorce lawyer was x-wife's employer and was a very close buddy of mine so much so that I did not have to pay for the lawyer cost and my x was pissed about it. It was his personal advice to me that listened to and took the way out of my marriage before it got uglier than it already was. I was scared, I was ashamed and I felt humiliated and dehumanized for every negative action that I subjected our relationship to, but I was also relieved and perhaps felt fortunate to be free from the life style that was very toxic for me. " Not everyone will like you, that's life." I do not expect forgiveness for my transgressions, but i have to untangle the tangle of how I could have fallen so low into the depth of depravity and violence; I was lost, totally lost after worked at the the meat packing houses in Wisconsin.

Yes, "Shit happens!' and some in a big way while others were more tolerable and loosing my wife and son was the major kick in my guts and in my spirit, my heart was broken but i had none to turn to except the bottle and sleezy bars and porno -flicks to kill my time in between killing myself at the meat table and being home alone. Then came Allen Hautamaki our close friend at the apartment in Green Bay. Allen upon learning of my poor state of affairs talked my into going to college and the University at Green Bay where he was a student councilor and the rest is history. "Holy Shit!" The transformation from a meat cutter to a University student was short of a miracle and in a way another kick in the butt for my road towards self discovery, like the question was all along there demanding for an answer, Who am I? and "Go f..k yourself?" If you ever step into the Jake's Pizza Place on East Main Street, in Green Bay, Wisc. say hi to the owner for me and tell him i will take the usual. I will next door at the Wolf's Den checking out the chicks for a bit...Ya Hey! Green Bay! Go Packers!

.     

If you are still with me Great! If not see you on the other side.

 

One knows when there is nothing more to say really about the nature of what is a spiritual life or an enlightened life, what it is to be awakened in body mind and spirit into this very moment when one's fingers raps from key to key to make this post  as the story needs to be shared, it is not over even when you think you have the marbles into the right holes, no sir, you may feel like you can connect the dots and solve the puzzle but I feel that it is just the beginning, the journey has just begun. Death stands two shadow lengths in front of you, so slow down, you are in no hurry to catch up with you are in no hurry to get anywhere. Silence the mind from making these notations about what is transpiring in the very realm of our personal existence, a silent observer sees more and feels with authentic clarity than with a mind full of chattering. There is no observer nor anything to be observed, take no note of what manifest from moment to moment except for the purpose of learning and teaching; in silence we can communicate, we came inform, we can warn, we can correct, we can shift and sway one another while we are on this same path. We can lend a helping hand share a space in small corner of our hearts for some one to take refuge in; practice Compassion without expectations of returns and become The Lord of Mercy, yes we can, it is our inherent nature, become aware of what we are and what we are capable of alone or collectively. There is no doer in this! Become free from attachment to all actions, become free from identifying with each and every as moment is an act, as every breath is a motion, in short give up all hope and enter...The Gateless Gate, be daring to take that 'one step beyond!'

I have  problem understanding what i just wrote so don't feel bad. Rest assured I will come to make some sense out of this non-sense eventually, stay with me. I was responsible for splitting the Han into two at the Green Gulch Zen Community Center. The Han was the original thick piece of wood from the days of  Suzuki Roshi, the founder of the Soto Zen School in California. What is the Han? Why am I telling you this? Just another story of days and actions gone by. 

In most Zen Temples in Japan and later in other countries including the US there is this block of wood that hangs by a rope to a man's height and it is about two by one and about three inch thick, made out of a special kind of hard wood that resonates sound when hit. Along with this piece of wood is the hammer also made from the same wood and it is used to call the monks to the zendo for a sitting or any activity that concern the community, it is a loud hailer. In the Muslim way the traditional mosques, the kampung suraus or smaller mosque have a kind of wooden drum usually mad out of a hollowed piece of tree trunk and accompanied by the same hammer for striking . The Christian churches has the bells, the 'Church bells are ringing, "The toll of the iron bell calling the faithful to their need.' Islam has the Bilal or the crier who calls out loud the time for prayers or the azan and presently in Malaysia it has become an ongoing source of complaint from among the non-Muslims as the azan is being played from the loud speakers going full blast, as they say in the hood, cranked up way up and has become quite an issue to the ears. It is in issues like this that I would take the middle path, neither for or against. Only simple common sense is enough, it don't need a genius or an enlightened mind to figure it out...it is all an entertainment of the ego mind. 

So I find myself back at square one time and again repeating the same old routine and call it practice, a way of life of living, call it the Buddha's way or the way of the Prophet of Allah, the way of the Tao or the Way of the Great Spirit, and just when I am about to give it all up, the reminder comes of the fact that i have a vow to keep, that of the Vow of a Boddhisatva; I have a purpose for being here in this time space and physical form realm that the Buddhist knows as the Nirmanakaya of the Shakyamuni Buddha; what is reality? I ask of myself how far or how deep have I dived into this, this that I call my practice, my path, my journey from birth to death and rebirth. What is time but just waiting. Time is from here to there ed infinitum. 'To everything, turn, turn, turn, there is a season, turn, turn , turn. A time to change a time to remain, a time to give and a time to receive, a time to live and a time to die..." From a lyric to a song from the oldies. The impermanence of  life is considered by the Buddha to be the second cause of suffering. The realization that nothing last forever or eternal, that life ends with death is the reminder of how fragile we really are while living out our existence on this plane of existence. From cradle to grave l live my life as a form of practice, of observation and analytical evaluation, I experiment with my life by doing the best and the worse that a man can do without harming himself beyond repair and live to share it with others. 

" Bye bye Miss American Pie, drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry... This will be the day that I die, this will be day that I die...The day the music die.."  lyrics that keep coming into my consciousness from the You Tube as I am typing this post, what else is there to do on this Monday morning but just chill... this after all is a crucial part of my practice of late, to sit back and watch the grass grow... if you are still with me then we got somewhere to go with all these ramblings, if not see you on the other side of what is...

" Circumstances makes man, not man circumstance." and someone once said

"When thinking about life remember this: no amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future..." 

 We live in this day and age where the wisdom of the ancient is readily available at our fingertips, however it is a matter of whether we choose to seek them out or let them be wasted into the graveyard of time... for my martial arts instructor {Pa'Abu Johan}, once said," When a master dies, he takes with him the final cut, the hit that can kill or the defense that is impeccable, this final secret he kept for himself and take it to the grave with him." 

                                  No matter from which angle you see me I am who I choose to be.

The End Game of the Kali Yuga -The age of Decadence.

 There are days like this my mother use to tell me, when there is nothing left to contemplate and nothing worth trying to justify about. Sometimes ageing sucks and one just have to live with it. The road has been one long roller coaster of ups and down and those that you once knew up close and personal are mostly gone leaving you behind guessing what lay on the other side or will you ever meet them again. No sense in looking back and looking back is all that you have to keep your mind occupied as looking forward is all a guessing  trip, being in the here and now is the only state of being that is left worth cultivating to the fullest for being in the moment is eternity.

Took a stroll towards the sunrise during a low tide at the Malay Fisherman's Jetty off the Lim Chong Eu highway in Jelutong. This has been one of my retreat for many years and i have made many friends here having witnessed a few death among them. The Jetty will soon be a part of the Penang coastal history as soon as the developers reach this site. They call it development and argues that it creates jobs, so what can you say except they develop to create non affordable condos for the foreigners who could afford it while hiring cheap foreign workers to get the job done. At the end of the day a way of life, a culture is lost forever and the landscape will forever become a replica of some foreign crowded cities like Hong Kong or Singapore. 

 

One of the very few who still stayed strong at carrying out the fishing industry here and who is also the owner of the restaurant at the entrance to the jetty. Cutting up a 3.3 kilo Siakap or Sea Bass freshly caught the night before. In the basket are also a few Pari or Ray in English and some Sembilang or Whhitelipped Eel Catfish. These days an average young Malaysian would not be able to name three different species of fish he finds in the local market, not in Bahasa Malaysia, {Malay} nor in English.

The tide is out and it makes for good photo shots of shadows and shadows is all that is left when it all comes to an end and we call it a shadow of the past as the tide has ran out for good for these fishermen whose livelihood has been wrenched from under them. 

The shredded and weather beaten Malaysian Jalur Gemilang flags still flies reminding me the impermanence of life not even the sense of pride remains. The Malay politicians has sold their souls to the devil as they had ripped off their fellow Malays making promises that they they into the polluted sea after they had got what they wanted for themselves. Now that they are gone most of them the Malays left behind on the Island are pretty much living at the mercy of the Chinese and Indians economically as they have no back up to look to for help. They end up living in the cheap low coast housing here and there if they can afford it.

I have been taking pictures of these huts for quite sometime now recording their slow demise as they crumble into the mud. It is like watching the fall of a way of life for those who once had hopes of making it out of the way of the main crowd on the mainland. They took the chance of building these shanties on the water so they can carry out their fishing activities but time and what is called progress has not spared them.

I have been coming to this spot for over twelve years now and every time i come i find a sense of reality that reminds me of myself as i grow old and face the final countdown of decay and death. However despite it all i also find the peace and tranquility that only the sea and the open skies can give a sense that says to enjoy life while you still can as nothing in this realm last forever.

Humanity is Drifting - Away from order into chaos.

 

After listening as attentively as this 75 year old mind could afford to, i have come to a realization as to the nature of the International Court of Justice and what the United nations as a whole amounts to as to what it can and cannot do. If there is fairness in this life then what South Africa has done in calling out the State of Israel accusing it of committing genocide is applaudable and a fair move in order to bring an end to the carnage that is going on in the Gaza and Palestine as a whole. No nation prior to this has taken the step to do so and mostly due to the fact that to do so would incur the ire of the United States the handler of the leash to the the Jewish State of Israel. No country has taken the lead to accuse the United States directly for being complicit in supporting and allowing for the the genocide to be carried out on the Palestinians and for as long as the US sits on the Security Council no resolutions can pass without being vetoed by the US if it is against the interest of the Israeli State. Having lived in the US for 21 years and having two my children being born there, I feel sad and disappointed for the way the US Government has become sallied by the drags of war and inhumane ventures in its foreign policy while in the guise of upholding the fight for democracy. In this historical event, Israel is like David facing an enemy however it is not Goliath as the Giant stands behind as a back up plan or security insurance. #southafrica, #israel, #gaza, #palestine

"The U.S. Hague Invasion Act, " becomes law during the Bush Jr. administration. Thanks to George Galloway, I now have found out something new that i never knew before which means the Hague Int. Court of Justice is screwed where Israel is concern. Please watch George Galloway on the Danny Haiphong You Tube podcast for the details. Hence if Israel were to be found guilty as accused of committing genocide, America would invade the Hague and put things right so to speak in favor of its bosom buddy. #thehague, #genocide, #georgegalloway, #theushagueinvasioact

There is written in the Quran or is it the Hadith that it is not worth giving attention to things that are irrelevant or of any concern of yours, in other words, like mind your own business! This simple words of advice alone should tell me to just shrug and turn my mind away from all these happenings in the Hague or in the Gaza Strip or in Sudan or the Red Sea, the Ukraine and the South China Seas, I should pretty much give up on my care and concern over things that are beyond my control or are of any good to me especially at my age where the home is saying farewell and the grave is waving welcome; I should pay more attention perhaps over my spiritual or religious status at present in life. This is common sense, this does not take genius to figure out but it is still stated in the Holy Book somewhere as an advice to those like me. I used to have a great respect for Jordan Peterson at one time and now i don't, I used to believe it makes a difference in writing all about myself exposing as much as possible my strength and weaknesses in the hope that like they say it helps to untangle the tangle or  reveal my true nature and know who I am; how I have been fooling myself. Have I ? #sudan, #redsea, #southchinaseas

It's 6:20 am. and suddenly out of the quiet of the morning from both sides of my ears came the cry for the morning prayer from two nearby mosques that have the loud speakers on full blast like they do every five times a day here. I almost feel sorry for the predominantly Chinese community dead and alive who have to bear the loud wailing every five times a day; I live next to the largest Chinese cemetery called Batu Gantung on this Island and the apartments in and around the area I live in is home to 90% Chinese and Indians with a few Malays. I highly doubt that these non-Muslims very much appreciate being raised out of their sleep this early on a Sunday morning.; but, such is. Should i care too much about such matters? Perhaps i should as it affects me too on a personal level. Yes, for years now I feel guilty for not praying as a good Muslim should every time I hear the Azan or call to prayer and my mind would not allow this to slide no matter what. Religious or spiritual guilt is hell on earth for the soul and especially a soul that knows it should pray more than others for all the sins it has committed in its seventy odd years of existence; I pray, I pray in my own way on my own terms and by my own volition, it is between me and my God that I pray. I am not a 'Good' Muslim but I am a lover of my Lord, Allah Aza wa Jala. The Lord of Creations and i know He listens to my prayers and sometimes even fulfills my Doa' or plea even if they often manifest in the form of small insignificant miracles that makes me raise my eyebrows in wonder; I Love my Creator! It is out of this love for my Lord that I pay attention and make every effort to come to a right understanding of every minute detail of His Creation within me and without albeit physical, mental or spiritual even as I am making these justifications at this early hours of a Sunday Morning. #allah, #muslims, 

it's 7:15 and i am listening to Pink Floyd -'Comfortably Numb' as the sun is rising outside my window.

The first utterance in the Quran is Iqrar! Read!

 "You cannot get out of suffering until you get out of language language is rh the root of our suffering that's what produces all of the I thoughts and all the i thoughts produces unhappiness because the I can't get satisfaction and therefore the I is searching and never stops thinking, never stops wanting cause it never knows who it is. If you let go of that and then wisdom arises."

From Upadesa Saram, the fundamental teaching of Sri Ramana Maharshi as read by Shunyamurti.             A Satyoga Satsang. on You Tube. #satyoga,#shunyamurti,#upadesasaram

Accepting the above teaching to be a right view I admit that all these postings of my experiences of the past and present, my trials and tribulations my rights and wrongs being exposed in this manner of a Blogging is all counter to what is being taught by the Bhagavan Sri Ramana. It is said that those who have received Grace continuedly contemplate consciousness, which is ParamaShiva, within themselves becomes Jivamukhtas. I have accepted the fact that by keeping this on going journal of self discovery in order to achieve a complete Jivan Mukhti or self liberation while in this life is a paradoxical approach. However I am willing to continue this form of self catharsis so as to fulfill a vow of sharing knowledge and understanding for the sake of sentient beings, those who are on the same path towards liberation. I have tried my best to make it an interesting read so as to capture the attention and keep some form of motivation towards achieving this purpose. In this manner too i hope to fulfill the first of my Boddhisatva vows that, "Beings are numberless and I vow to awaken with them." Perhaps I am also fulfilling the second vow, that being, "Delusions are in-exhaustible, I vow to end them." Far be it, I am not a spiritual teacher, however i am a spiritual seeker for lack of better expression, I seek the truth and thus perhaps also a truth seeker. I am yet not completely free from the bonds of life nor am I free from this physical and mental realm of Karmic existence; I am just like you, groping in the dark as i go along. #jivanmukhti,#

It is ironic that in the Biblical story of the Tower of Babel God destroyed the tower that man had created out of his hubris if not arrogance to confront God by reaching Him through a monumental construction of a tower reaching up into the heavens. Man in his desire to prove his ability to master knowledge and wisdom and his ability to unite through one language of understanding had challenged the All Mighty but was cursed by God to be completely thrown asunder with the complete destruction of the tower along with their ability to communicate with one another in a common language. Albeit a truth or a myth, this Biblical story carried with it the understanding that with complete understanding also comes complete humility towards the source of that understanding. My interpretation may not be as accurate, however suffice to say that common language has a role to play in this story and through language man can have a strong collective understanding of the inner and outer workings of the human mind. 

Not to have any form of language means not being able to communicate with one another like back to the old cave dwelling era of human existence where allot of heads were bashed in from the failure to communicate. Sadly enough even today man is still bashing each other in the head for lack of understanding as language has become in most cases an offensive tool to bring the other down or put a man in his place. Language abuse is rampant today and if one needs an immediate example one just have to watch the Malaysian Parliamentary proceedings on You Tube or better yet try to follow the proceedings of the International Court of Justice at the Hague where Israel is being accused of Genocide by South Africa. Here is where language plays a pivotal role in mediating a serious issue facing humanity today - is the pen truly mightier than the sword? #thehague,#southafrica,#towerofbabel

"Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world." - Rumi. 

Healing begins through the language of Love and Compassion. - Bahari.   

I sat Among Gods and Deities, Great Souls and Rishis on Mount Kailash.

 Innallilahiwa'innalillahiRajiun from Him you came to Him you return, Ameen! To all those innocent who have died in Palestine and Israel alike and i bear witness to the long term of suffering that have been endured by all parties concerned, may Allah in His Infinite Mercy and Loving Kindness shelter and protect the children who have become victims of their fathers' and forefathers' errors; Allah is the Tester! At no time in history thus far has man been put through the grind of faith and that squeeze every ounce of believe and understanding from individuals as well as the collective spirit and no time in history thus far has man become more beastly if not demonic in his expression, May we all raise our hearts towards the Divine in us for Forgiveness and Compassion against this our most heinous transgressions against our fellow humans. Only the blind in heart and soul can deny what is being propagated in the spirit of hate and destruction all over the planet causing grief and sorrow to millions and sleepless nights for those whose heart reflects the chaos that man himself has instigated all in the name of Greed, Hate and Ignorance and all in the worship of the false Gods of war for economic advantages in the name of survival of the fittest. May Allah forgive me and may He forgive you in all this.

I woke up at 3am. and sat on my bed trying to heal my flu while watching my mind wandering like it always does here and there with every form of thoughts and imaginations and incessant chattering of right and wrong, good and bad, yadda, yadda! Then it all dropped at one point and i was sitting somewhere on Mount Kailash and among those present in the circle around me were Gods and Deities, Great Men of the ages, of Rishis and Saints of Buddhas and Boddhisatva's of the Great Spirit of the Great Plains and I felt their presence in and around me. Lord Shiva, Vishnu and Lord Krishna, Lord Shakyamuni Buddha, Jesus the Son of Mary and Muhammad {SAW}, I did not see them but I felt them, they were all around me with the great Rishis of India like Sri Ramana Maharshi and Sri Rama Krishna, Sri Nisargatdatta Maharaj and Papaji, Sri Neem Karoli Baba and a hosts of other enlightened beings from all the four corners of the world, I felt hem within and without. The small voice within whispered that these are all the sum total of all those whose wisdom and teachings I had at one time or another been exposed to in my journey to find out over the years. 

On Mount Kailash, the most mysterious and holy of mountains I felt the presence of great souls like Alan Watts and J.Krishnamurti, Mooji Baba and Ekhart Tolle and Shunyamurti and I felt the Prescence Einstein, Niels Bohr and Oppenheimer, of Shoppenhuuer and Hegel and of C.G.Jung. I was with The Sheikh, Kadir AlJilani and Ibni Arabi, Al Ghazali; how did I find myself among these great souls of the past and present? The answer came in the same whisper that these are my Gurus and Teachers I have sought through my quest for self discovery, this long and arduous journey of a lifetime knowing or unknowingly. These are the souls whose thoughts and wisdom I had accumulated through one form of adaptation or another and as I have once dreamed while sleeping in Central City Colorado; I claimed myself an Eclectic, picking and choosing the best of all possibilities for my 'Self Develo0pment.' I have discussed this event in my past posting in this Blog and so I will not dwell on it anymore. It is because my mind had take the trouble to dive into the minds of all these souls Gods and Man alike that i can be in their presence even if it was in the form of a meditative illusion projected by my own feverish mind, thinking that i was sitting on Mount Kailash among other Great Minds and Souls.  

This episode brought to mind of a dream or vision I had while sitting in meditation for the seven days sesshin at the Zen Center on Page Streeet sometime in the early eighties. I might have written this in the past however, my mind insist that I share it again as it is pertinent to the moment.

It was on the sixth or seventh day of the Sesshin, [7 Days meditation practice], and I was falling asleep at one point when I found myself laying on the grass beside my friend Ms.Karen DeCotis, we called Red haired Karen. The location was on the grounds facing the Museum of natural History in Golden Gate Park. I found that there were allot of famous people hanging out in front of the Museum some I even recognized, like Mahatma Gandhi and Albert Schweitzer, President John F. Kennedy was among them chatting. Karen told me that there was something special going on at the Museum and I should check it out and I did. I found myself by the main door and being led by two ushers left and right down the aisle full of people of both sides chanting and praying while facing the main altar. I was told before i I was led towards the altar that whatever i do I must not look up at what is on top of the altar. In Zen practice when we approach the altar we make three bows or prostrations towards whatever idol that was there before stepping back and leaving. I did this when I got to the huge altar that was lighted brightly from above like the sun was shining through from above and I began to do as was told. However after my second prostration the rebel in me decided, nah, I got to look up and see what is on the altar that I am bowing to! Lo and Behold I saw my own face staring back down at me! I found myself back in my body sitting on my butt facing the wall at 300 Page Street, in San Francisco, my body aching and my nose running and wishing that it was all over.

   

Reflections of my life and times during the Monsoon.

 

The small town of Narathiwat in Southern Thailand was hit by heavy rainfall and serious floodings on the 26th. of Dec. it is sad to watch the postings on You Tube or Tik Tok...suffering comes in all forms and to be not touched by the suffering of others no matter the geophysical or cultural location , it is imperative that a man/woman feels a sense of compassion towards the victims. Loosing your sense of humanity is when you have lost your sympathetic feelings within you. Narathiwat and the general area is predominantly a Thai Muslim area and I hope the Thai Government will act accordingly in providing resources and aids to theses areas; After all Thailand is a Buddhist Country. The Monsoon has made its appearance all along the East Coast and life will be put on high alert for most areas. I grew up in the East Coast for eight years of my teenage life and the Monsoon season has always been one of the most exciting times of my life even if there were floodings all over the country. My home back in the 60s was located within sight of the ocean which is across the main road and across form the palace golf course of the Istana Badariah and thus during the monsoon season the sound of roaring wind and waves can be heard loud from where I lived. Sometimes you fall asleep while listening to the roar of waves beating down on the shores and wind gusting through the coconut palms and the rain beating down on the zinc roof; you fall asleep like a baby. 

Behind the house as far as the eyes can see laid the rice fields which stretched from the waterway all the way to the foothills in the distance and during one of the worst of monsoon floods the whole area was inundated into a sea of fresh water. The kitchen which was built on the ground level had about two feet of water and when the water receded we discovered a six feet long cobra left behind under the refrigerator. It was discovered when one of my sisters was boiling water on the stove and she heard a loud angry hiss coming from somewhere in the kitchen. Fortunately for her the cobra had ran and hid under the raised refrigerator and only its tail was visible. The snake had entered the kitchen through one of the holes in the wall that was there to let out excess water and it was up to me to get rid of the snake which till this day I still regret having killed it in the process. It was a long King Cobra and very aggressive when I tried to get ahold of it. The only way I could think of in trying to get it out from under the refrigerator was to pour the hot boiling water so that it flowed under the fridge and drove the snake out in utter pain and anger. Scared as I was i had no choice but to kill it after a vicious fight between us  which caused me nightmares for the next few days and regret till today even as i am writing this: this was my bad karma. For years whenever i see a cobra on the discovery channel or in real life I think of the King Cobra I killed and it was just taking refuge from the flood. 

The aftermath of the monsoon was one of  the best time to take walk along the beach where heaps of flotsam and debris from discarded flip flops to huge tree trunks washed up all along the stretch of sandy beach and the it was a treasure hunt for me. I would look for driftwood and anything out of the ordinary that catches my eyes. I have been blessed to have spent my teenage years with the sea close by facing my home and the rice fields in my backyard. I could not ask for a better environment to spend my teenage years exploring and discovering new sights and smells especially after having spent twelve years of my life growing up on the outskirt of Georgetown, Penang on the West Coast of the Peninsular; it fed my imaginative mind more than I realized. The contrast between the 'city life' and the Kampung or village life was stark if not challenging for me who had spent his childhood among the Chinese and Indians, a life full of townlike adventures and then having to draw water from a well for my bath, a well that some days smelled like mud when the water level was low. 

Now on looking back i would not have asked for a better environment to grow up in albeit in Penang of in Kuala Terenggnu. It was a dichotomy of existence from the food i had to the exposure to my religious faith which  became a predicament having been raised a Buddhist in Penang and converted to Islam moving to the East Coast where the Malays were devout Muslims. My name alone created a cause for ridicule for i had a Buddhist name as so were my brothers and sisters until they too had their names changed upon conversion. I had to bear the insults and bully by the Malay boys of my age at school and in the village but i survived although not without scars and wounds in my heart and mind. I grew up an angry young man but slowly but surely my character changed and I dished out as much pain as I received.