Time to keep on rambling...sketches from Kapas Island.-1

  

Long ago I had a dream and in my dream I dreamt that i was witnessing a huge battle that lit up the skies red from horizon to horizon. Standing atop of a hill I witnessed death and destruction all around me and stand facing was the only one left drenched in blood, sword dangling on his side and fierce and murderous look in his dark eyes. I picked up a human skull from the ground and wore in on me like a complete helmet and and i raised my hands to the skies and screamed "I AM DEATH!!, destroyer OF THE WORLDS!"...and I woke up. I was student at the university of Wisconsin, Green Bay then, sometime in 1978-79 and I was taking a course of Comparative Religions and my Mentor and Professor was Mr. Elmer Havens, a gentleman who was in his sixties, and we talked allot beyond talks of religion and philosophy and he treated more like a son than a student. he was the man who related to me of Oppenheimer's quote from the Bhagavad Gita when he completed a successful test of the first Atomic Bomb at Los Alamos Lab. in New Mexico. At the time the knowledge just passed me by like clouds in an empty sky another food for thought to be filed away into my subconscious cabinet. When i watched the movie made of this event in human history it evoked from within these old memories and the files fell out and the architypes reveal themselves s to who stood on the hill with a human skull attached to his shoulders and all round him death and destruction in the form of a huge mushroom ball of fire.

During the same period in my life i had another dream that shook me deep within, I dreamt that i was Lord Krishna, I felt Blue and full of Energy emanating all around my presence, I felt Great! In the dram I was entertaining my mother like in a cave and she was hiding there after having taken a baby away from its mother. My job was to persuade her to return this infant to its rightful mother in the most compassionate and Godly manner. I remember displaying a movie size screen before us and displaying the story of the origin of the Universe from beginningless time. Images flashed across the screen from atoms and amoeba to the final days of the Universal destruction. The i was performing small miracles facing demons flying down from the skies to attack us. I remember vividly turning large elephant ears on a demon to wrap it around its face thus blinding it. I turned long fangs protruding form the jaws of another into rubber like  and twisted them into a knot and falling away. I did all these tricks with a smile in me as i was entertaining my mother trying to persuade her to detach from the baby and return it to its rightful mother. I cannot remember how the dream ended but it was mind blowing dream the had stuck out every now and then when there is a major crisis facing humanity and there seems like there is no way out but to end it all with a Big Bang. Oh Mother! 

I had many such awesome dreams and some I have tried to share in this blogging. I am curious about what they meant or if they had any significance in my daily life, but some still remain at the back of my mind and every now and then would pop up perhaps when the occasion calls for...and so tis is what it meant. My life evolving through a vortex of forms and emptiness collecting and deleting information as it moves along from cradle to grave, just another individual phenomena of the higher consciousness, that from which it all arises and fade back into. I am but a witness and there are moments i am being observed for I am part of the whole, the Universal Consciousness, the Supreme Being, some call it God while others  calls it the Black Hole. By whatever name or understanding one may see it as, I am not who I think i am and that while floating and drifting in this Maya of an existence I know i am a servant of a Higher State of Being and i call Him by His Islamic Name Allah {Lord of Creation and the Hereafter.}. I know i cannot drive alone on this highway without a co-pilot or a Navigator to help me along the right path. Much as i have accumulated knowledge and understanding in this life, I have yet much to learn and it is not beneath to learn from the lowest to the highest manifestation of my Guru, my Teachers, my Friends and the Universe has yet much more to reveal before i kick the bucket or throw in the towel. I will keep on touching every heart and minds as I meet them and they will enrich mine, and when I move on I know that i have not totally wasted my time on this Earth. I have been given a blank canvass when i came into this life and I intend to fill it up with the best and worse of my life's experiences with the flair of an Artist, a Story Teller and a Rambler.

How much do I know about the Jews?

 

During my time spent at the Zen Buddhist Center in San Francisco I had the opportunity to spend some time at the Tassajara Zen Mountain Center located in the Big Sur Mountains of  Monterey County in Southern California. A group of us were taken there to work on completing the Kaisando or Memorial hall for Zen Master Suzuki Roshi who was instrumental in establishing the San Francisco Zen Community. We were to assist our Practice Teacher from green Gulch Zen Community who was a Master Japanese Traditional carpenter in this job. It was one of the best practice period I had and it was then that i met Tamir an ex=Israeli  soldier assigned as a machine gunner and had wiped down quite a few Palestinian in his time of service. He was about 20-24 back then and we became friends as we worked alongside each other hauling red dirt dug from the mountain side on to a pickup truck and back to the main temple gate, where it was then crushed down and mixed with straws turned into adobe for the walls of the Kaisando. Tamir was a short and muscular young man and was a work horse who was hard for me to keep up with. We got to know each other and he shared his feeling of remorse about being in the army and having done the things he did as a soldier. He opened up to me upon learning the I am a Muslim in faith. I did not pry into the details and shared my feelings and regrets of my past actions and that was why I needed to be there. We parted as good friends having learned from one another a few things about life and about who we were.

A month earlier prior to Tamir's arrival at the green Gulch Zen Center two ex=Israeli soldiers spent some time at the Gulch and I got to know them as they were very friendly and open especially when they found out that i was a Muslim. I surprised them by singing two Israeli folk songs that i had learned when I was a teenager listening to Harry Belafonte from his Calypso Album that my eldest brother had among his collection of records. Even if they had probably killed some fellow Muslims in the Gaza Strip while  on duty, I felt no sense of judgement and accepted them for who they were as they did me. Eldad and Giora were like me looking for answers if not redemption for our past deeds. The Zen meditation practice we did together helped us to find the healing sense of acceptance and forgiveness and we came to the understanding of the fact that we each had our karma to sort out. Giora was Tamir's older brother. During one of our chats Tamir had told me that is brother had asked him to check me out if he had needed to talk to and i was moved. There were many Zen practitioners of Jewish decent at the San Francisco Zen Community and the closest friends among them I had were Norman and Kathy Fisher who treated with open heartedness and understanding despite my often unzen - like behaviors. Diane Rabinowitz who married my closest friend David Carlson were people i shared my life with even after leaving the Zen school. I had met and became friends with many Jews in the Bay Area and many were on transit before the left for their final destination in Israel. There was a young couple and their toddler son and the younger brother of the husband who use to come over to our home where we were living in the Richmond District in San Francisco. The family were from Uzbekistan and it was from them that i learned of the 'Exodus', or as the Muslims would have called a Hijrah of Jewish families from many part of the world to Israel. They were mostly looking for a better life then from where they originated. 

How else had i been introduced to the Jew? I read Leon Uris's Exodus and Mila 18 when I was a teenager and one of the most memorable novels i read was, "Legend of the Wandering Jew." Exodus was written about the founding of Israel and Mila 18 was about the Warsaw uprising if i am not mistaken. These novels were from my eldest brother's library and as i have often mentioned in the past I was fortunate as a teenager to be exposed to many  reading materials that had helped fed my teenage imaginations thanks to 'Spike' my Brother. 

"Legend of the Wandering Jew - When Christ, wearied by the heavy burden of the cross, leaned for a moment against a stranger’s doorway, the stranger drove him away and cried, “Walk faster!” To this, Christ replied, “I go, but you will walk until I come again!” So began the legend of the Wandering Jew, which has recurred in many forms of literature and folklore ever since. George K. Anderson, in a book first published in 1965 and immediately hailed as a classic, traces this enduring legend through the ages, from St. John through the Middle Ages to Shelley, Eugène Sue, and the antisemitism of Hitler to recent movies and novels. Though the main elements of the legend are a constant, Anderson shows how changes in emphasis and meaning reflect civilization’s shifting concerns and attitudes over time. " = Wikipedia

I found this book very intriguing when i first read it sometime in 1965-66 and it had got me interested in discovering more about the Jewish people, their history and way of life and the  deep and strict spiritual culture. I learned of the Holocaust and what antisemitism and how Judaism is the eldest of the three religions of the Book namely that Judeo, Christian and Muslim, that of the progeny of Abraham. It is indeed tragically sad what is going on in the Holy Land of these three religions where brothers are murdering brothers with impunity. I hope and pray that at the end of the day it will all come to an end and Peace prevail in the land of Canaan. Salam, Shalom and Peace be to one and all in the name of Jehovah, Elohim and Allah {SWT}... in the name of the Lord, God of Abraham of Moses and of Jesus and Muhammad, {SAW}.

           

" Hey, Israel, Leave those Kids alone..." Roger Waters-Pink Floyd.

 

                                           Learning to Love yourself is the greatest love of all.

This morning like every other i woke up just before the call to prayer from the State Mosque which can bee seen from my 12 story window and instead of praying I say on my bed answering the call in my heart by repeating what was cried out by the Muezzin. I stopped praying a long time ago and not because of lost of faith in the religion or God but the lost of faith in my fellow man especially those who profess to be the most devoted and god fearing; the Hypocrites. It saddens me to bear witness to the fall of human dignity and pride in the worship of the Devine nature in themselves if not in a higher Spirit they call their God or Gods by names they so highly upheld through out the ages to the point of willing to kill and be killed in defense of that name. Herein the Devil has claimed victory with hands down in being able to tear down the fabric of human decency proving the mistake of the creator in endorsing man as the highest among His creations. Man whom he has endowed with the will to become the keeper of faith and caretaker of this planet and all its content. The atheists clap their hands and scream, "See! I told you so, there is no God!" The God of Abraham is dead and so is Shiva and Brahma and the Buddha was right, there is no 'Self', this world is Maya and illusion just as the Scientists are confirming through the discoveries of the emptiness of matter, space and time.. that it is all an illusion, it can all be broken down to nothingness. 

                              Be awaken to all the beauty around you and your nightmares will float away like                                        empty clouds.

Robert Oppenheimer's quote from the Vedic text upon having successfully created the Atom Bomb, " Now I have become Death, the Destroyer of the Worlds." Oppenheimer was an American theoretical physicist and director of the Manhattan Project at Los Alamos Laboratory during world war 2 that created the Atomic Bomb which was dropped over Hiroshima and Nagasaki in Japan. It seems that man from his early inception has been the destroyer of the worlds fulfilling the prophecy of Satan's claim over God's creation of man as the Vicegerent and endowed him above the others that even angels and demons were required to bow before man. Evil will not rest in its effort to corrupt the sons of Adam and this he has accomplished over time as man has proven time and again of how corrupted in mind body and spirit he has become, a danger to himself and all of God's creation on this planet. It is inevitable that what is happening today will lead to the demise of this beautiful world as predicted by the ancient texts; we are living at the end of times in the age of Kali Yuga, the age of destruction; are we> Are we> Is there any hope that we can reverse and change the course of our fate collectively and debunk old prophecies of the doomsday scenario, or have man fallen to deeply in a state of ignorance that he cannot wake up from this looming nightmare that is plaguing our very existence. When we fail to recognize the divine within us as gifted by our Creator we have surrendered to the inevitable influence of the evil that coexist in our consciousness, man has become slaves to his own egoic nature worshipping Gods of his own creation in the form of thoughts and ideologies believing that he is the creator of his own destiny. Today more than ever, man worships Greed, Hate and Ignorance, the poison inflicted upon him by evil. Will he ever come to the realization that his collective consciousness is gravely flawed and infected by the dark side or his shadow that is leading him to his own self destruction. #robertoppenheimer, #kaliyuga, #atomicbomb, #hiroshhima, #nagasaki

                                              "Leave those kids alone..." Roger Waters -Pink Floyd, #rogerwaters

I have come to realize the fact that as a human being i have been assigned in this life to serve, I realize that servitude towards my fellow human and the rest of the universe is my prayer and devotion to my Lord, the Lord of Creation of Love and Compassion and it is a 24/7 worship of as some today calls it my Higher Self or Divine nature. Anytime a dark shadow cast over my state of being i would seek refuge in my Lord's attention and in this way divert any negative thoughts or intentions towards servitude to my Lord. This i find is one of the ways i silence my thinking or egoic mind. As i have time and again admitted to myself, I am a sinner and one of my weaknesses among many others is being prone to anger, this is on of my anger management technique and I find it helps. I might have mentioned this before the fact that i had an epiphany while I was grappling with anger and despair and this was not too long ago, I heard a voice within me that said, "The Lord wants you to be cheerful and happy and share it with others, he does nor want to hear your self pity and moaning and groaning about life." It shifted my consciousness almost instantly and i laughed at my self predicament and i whistled to the tune of ,'Don't worry, Be Happy.' The world is already full of sadness and suffering it would help if at least one man can transcend this state and become a catalyst for Love and Compassion. 

                                                     There is a silver lining... to all this, is there?
 

    

The warnings were made in the past.= Palestine/Israel

 "In the future, sentient beings will have very short attention spans and a great many things will clutter and occupy their minds...at that time, all sentient beings will suffer greatly from disease, famine and war." 700CE

                             Yeshe Sogyal                                                                                                                                                    The Daikini,                                                                                                                                                    Tibetan Consort of the Lotus Born Master. {The Dakini Code - You Tube}   

This revelation from the Tibetan Vajrayana school of Buddhism thousands of years old still echo's more so today then ever  and for those who are awakened to the teachings of the Ancient Wisdom, this is a warning that is today more relevant than ever. In this day and age of the Kali Yuga or the final age of decay and destruction as is manifesting all around the world humanity is fulfilling the prophecy as we observe how our generation today have been distracted by vast amount of irrelevant information fed through the advent of technology and mass media. Our children at a very young age are being exposed to these distractions in the form of video games and rampant negative information so much so that their span of attention on more relevant day to day knowledge has become a universal worry. Technology has become a negative input when it comes to the mental development of our generation, we are exposed to too much roadside attractions that feed our minds with mostly negative distraction. Most video games are designed with the depiction of violence as the main theme and children especially exposed to these games are fed with the idea of seek and destroy, it has become an addiction at a very early age. Most parents today has the assumption that allowing their young children to play with their hand phones is one way of feeding them with knowledge. it may be so, however when knowledge fed without restrain can become nothing more than an overload of gibberish mental formations that fill the innocent mind with garbage which later would become a poison to the child. 

"Draught and famine will sweep the world. Nation will fight nations the larger will destroy the smaller. The doctrine of materialism will overwhelm the minds and drive them to struggle for their own selfish ends. The lust for power and wealth will prevail over teachings of compassion and truth. It's the Shambala prophecy, 700 CE."

Most religious and spiritual teachings handed down from generation to generation has now been defunct as archaic and scientific and technological knowledge has replaced the words of wisdom of the ancient minds. Science has become a tool both of creation and destruction and it has become competitive to religious as well as spiritual wisdom. The human mind has been challenged to prove what cannot be seen or heard as a reality and what can be put to the scapple of scientific studies as real. The human mind itself is being fed with logic and proven facts and made incapable of accepting the unknown and divine manifestations as part of the human psyche. Now that humanity is on the verge of coming to an end with its own determination for self destruction many are lost as to why or what is the cause for our tragic self inflicted tendencies. However what is even more tragic is the fact that most are lost or have their heads buried in the sand of denial. Man's cruelty and aggressions towards one another over the simplest of issues is rampant eating at the very fabric of societies like cancerous cells and he is helpless in finding the root cause much less the solution to his woes. Even though in today's day and age knowledge is at his fingertips man's ignorance has become a pandemic causing chaos and havoc all over the world. Governed by Greed, Hate and Delusion, man today is facing a meltdown of the dignity and pride of being human much less of being of a divine nature that is the essence of spirituality.

The message the His Holiness the Dalai Lama shared on his visit to the Muslim Community at the Al Sharif Mosque in Shei, Ladakh in August 2022 spelled out the in his simple way how humanity can co- exist through Loving Kindness and Compassion,  it encapsulated the problem mankind faces today; the lack of mutual understanding and practice of Love and Compassion regardless of culture and religion. What is happening between Israel and Palestine is testimony to this failure of humanity in this modern day and age. In my personal point of view, if Israel and Palestine had learned to co-exist side by side from the beginning, even as a separate states both would have benefitted and flourished today due to all the aids and support that would have been made from the West as well as the Muslim Nations towards their development. sadly enough they have both been subjected to becoming a pawn in the political gambit of hidden agendas by the more larger nations from both East and West.  

" No people in the world would accept being expelled en mass from their own country: how can anyone require the people of Palestine to accept a punishment which nobody else would tolerate."

           Bertrand Russel,  - British philosopher.

I cry for Palestine and Israel.

 

The Middle East is flaming up again and this time much much worse than ever; the Israel - Gaza Conflict is the flash point that will set bigger events into motion and these are events that humanity has feared ever since we know what fear is all about. This will be the nightmare that most of us would rather kept buried within the vaults of our subconscious mind or locked up in our deepest sleep. For those who have the hearts to feel the pain that is being generated all around the world, the lost and despair states of those who are facing the holocaust of war and brutality in the State of Israel and Palestine, and in the Ukraine and the rest of the war torn nations, life can be brutally insane. What man is capable of doing to each other would is just beyond redemption. Despicable acts of horror and inhumane and insensitive acts committed by man towards his fellow man,{women and child}has today brought to surface of haw cruel we can be when we have lost sight of who we truly are and allow our ego to take reign over our conditions in life. I cannot and will not condemn any sides in these matters as i am in no position to do so, however I can express how i feel as a man whose life will be seriously affected if not already due to all the travails humanity is facing at the end of the day. Albeit physical, emotional or spiritual in nature I will feel the pain of suffering afflicted over my fellow man where ever and whatever the cause may be. I am not free from being a part of this tragedy that we are facing as a whole and i cannot hide under a blanket an pretend to take a nap every time  the question arises, what the hell is going on?

Today more than ever i am forced to find the truth as to who I truly am and how or what am I doing in this phenomenal world, what is my purpose, where do i fit in; eat sleep shit and die is all i am good for? Am i wasting my time making all these observations and searching for answers, at 74 and i am still sitting here making yet another entry into this lengthy Blog that has contained over 2600 entries over the years raising the same issues over and over again hoping for a break through of one form or another. What do I hope to find at the end of my day, what do I hope to gain if there is anything worth gaining in these days and age. Am I lost in justifications? Have lost my faith in my Lord? Have i gone so far astray that i have no way of finding my way back home? Home? I am a homeless soul lost in limbo when it comes to having a home, I know not what home is anymore. I have a roof over my head, yes, but that's all it is. My soul, my heart feels lost in an ocean of pain and sorrow that is drowning this planet i call home. The future is undeniably bleak for me and all that i love and care for, there is only death and destruction up ahead and i am ashamed to feel like I am not worth to be called a human being feeling helpless and in despair as i am at the present moment. In this dark hour of my soul I feel sad for all those who are sleeping along roadsides and tents, fearing for their lives and fearing for the lives of their children. Not knowing what or where their future holds, punished for crimes that they were never guilty of and becoming refugees fleeing from the Greed, Hate and Ignorance of their fellow man. 

In my heart i shed tears of sorrow and besiege my Lord for guidance in facing these moment of  sadness that my fellow man is experiencing in various parts of the world. Floods and volcanic eruptions, draught and cold happening more intense like never before compounding what is already a dire situation created by man himself, where will it all lead to, will there be a respite for this planet i call my home. Ya Allah, Dear Lord, Om Namo Shiva Ya, oh Maitreya, Great Boddhisatva of Compassion, I call upon the Holy of Holies for the Divine intervention to help ease the burden for those in the middle of the maelstrom of chaos and destruction. Forgive us our transgression and our weaknesses, our ignorance and our negligence,  our arrogance and our hubris. We are but fragile souls lost and floundering in the sea of sorrow we have created for ourselves, of the centuries of never learning of who or what we are in the scheme of existence itself.  I pray for the salvation of all those souls, man women and child that have been sacrificed in the name of justice, ideology and of revenge and most sadly, due to greed and ignorance.  

  

   

Just Who Am I? - a brief profile.

Briefly...

I am a Malaysian, born and raised in Georgetown, Penang. Attended Francis Light primary School in the fifties till 1962 and later moved to Kuala Terengganu located on the East Coast of the Peninsular. Spent my teenage years and secondary education at the SS, or Sultan Sulaiman Sec. Sch. along side my twin brother and my eldest brother was the disciplinary teacher at the same school. School was never easy for me. On top having to please my eldest brother i also had to compete with my twin brother for attention; my bad. Not to dwell in the past, even if the devil is in the details, I have visited my past too much too often and it's way past the time to let go and move on. However I tend to do this as a matter of fact I simply cannot let go, break the mold for good and move beyond the need to look for a justification as to who i have become. I am a Malaysian who have spent twenty four years of my life living abroad. This is the gist of who I was as a young adult who grew up a splintered soul at a very young age.  

I left Malaysia at the age of twenty five after being married and with a son to an American lady and together we moved to her hometown in green Bay Wisconsin. Life took yet a drastic change for me as soon as i arrived in the Midwest of the United States, the coldest part of the whole country in winter. This too was who i was and what i was or what i became. Almost eight years i spent in Green Bay before i finally put myself through school and got a bachelor's degree in The Fine Arts at the University of Wisconsin - Green Bay. It took me ten long years to finish paying for my school loans. I graduated with a degree that i self designed. It was made possible through the University of Madison's pioneer program called 'University without walls." Had i remained in Malaysia I would have unqualified to be in the university due to my poor performance in the School Cert. Examination.

My letter of proposal to the board of faculty members chosen to evaluate my intention was entitled, " Art in Quest of The Universality." I could have come with a better title but at the time I was not as sharp as I am today, however i was a good artist and I was willing to take art education to another level. My letter convinced the board and I was given the green light without any deliberation. I left the US for England on my first semester project and later followed by a trip to the South West of the United States, New Mexico, Arizona and Colorado, this was followed by a trip to Colombia and Ecuador in South America and the final trip took me home to Malaysia, where it all began. 

Upon graduation I left Green Bay and headed for Alaska on a one way ticket I thought I'd never return to Wisconsin, however after two years in the Bering Sea in the Aleutian Chain I returned after yet another failure in life and relationship but full of experiences and tales to tell, Green Bay was the closest in all sense of the word home my second home. After almost two years of living a Hedonistic life in Green Bay I was asked to leave by an elderly lady by the name of Rosella Kelly, {Dennis Kelly whom I later met in San Francisco was my first Zen/Yoga Teacher}, and join a Buddhist Monastery in California and which I did, in San Francisco Bay Area. This is just a synopsis of my young adult life living in the United States and as the saying goes, the devil is in the details or you can read it in this Blog as I am positive i have written about each an episode of what I am writing about.

 I drifted from Wisconsin to San Francisco and and lived for 10 years in the Bay Area and two of which was spent at a Zen Buddhist Monastery. One of the best times of my life was spent there married at the Zen Meditation hall at Green Gulch on Star Route 1 , Sausalito, Marin County, California. and raised two children. Upon being 'booted out of the Zen Center, I  experienced what it felt like to be a homeless man in the City of San Francisco and I survived by sheer luck. 

My family and i relocated to Sendai, Japan where we spent three years living among the Japanese getting first hand education to their life and culture while continuing to be an artist living the Universal Life. Japan was the transition point before we headed home to Malaysia, 'The East' and again to where it all began. When asked why I returned to Malaysia after having lived in the US and Japan, I come to realize now that life is a cycle if and a circle. We keep repeating again and again our actions and change after every moment in time when there is the need to; stagnation causes an early death.

Life goes on with or without me and the fisherman a few yards away from me is checking his traps if there is any shrimps or crabs. I am sitting at my usual 'port' staring out at the bay between the island and the mainland, somewhere on the horizon is the First Penang Bridge. This very location itself will soon be history too when the developers gets their way. The Malays here have given up putting up a fight for their space and pride and opted for financial compensation. 

 How far or how near i am to the other shore while on this journey of my personal life is yet to be ascertain and most probably i am as I was when I began this journey, when I woke up from my slumber of the first time and saw myself as merely drifting in this life from one distraction to another. How close am I from the knowledge of who I truly am or what is my true nature is still percolating on the back burner: my trip to Pulau Kapas was more than to enjoy scenery or ogling at the beautiful bodies. I visited the island to find a space where i can make a retreat for myself and be able to look much deeper into my original nature with no one to interrupt my solitude but nature itself; the Monsoon.  

Ramblings on Kapas Island.- Prologue.

 There are limits to what is needed to be shared in sharing. Exposing oneself is one thing but exposing the weaknesses of others in the process is not cool. There are limits to what is being heard or observed in our experience with others at the deepest level that can be discussed just to make a point in our perception that can be made public lest it incriminates the other in one way or another. Most of us walk around with crutches and blinders to help us move along this tedious journey we call life and it can be in any form from sheer obsessions to the flesh, the clinging on to blind piety or drugs, the ego in man needs a booster to stay alive, to stay in touch with what one calls his reality. The ego is never without its shadow, its dark nature, its lower self often mistaken for his subconsciousness and this darker nature is the cause of suffering. The cause of desires and needs, of hoarding and clinging on to, the ignorance and the blindness to faith; the dark side will keep emerging and placing itself as hurdle for ever effort made for a man to achieve total liberation from his thought manifested consciousness. The ego is the negative form of energy that permeates human consciousness when allowed to will manifest itself as a reality which the ego takes to seriously as its own manifestation; suffering is due to this ignorance of the unreal being taken for as real. Becoming aware is waking up to this mistake of not seeing the ego mind for what it is, it is a fake, a replica of what is real, the product of a dual thinking mind subjected to right and wrong, good and bad, up and down; the mental formations of opposites. In this state of consciousness there is a division between what is real and what is not, what the mind perceives to be genuine and authentic or what is being propped up by crutches that is employed to stay upright, to stay in touch with the real.

Those who make genuine effort to stay in touch with their divinity, the higher self, the, the God within, those who has awaken to what is Real drops the crutches and stand alone unchained and undivided by the  dichotomy of what is out there and what is in here. Such individuals has become liberated from the shackles of blindness and ignorance and is closer to his divine nature and to his God. The effort of self cleansing, self purification, self sacrifice if and when arrived at its deepest of highest intensity places man before his Maker, he is but one step from becoming a Buddha or attaining his Buddha Nature, or becoming one with God upon giving up his worldly human nature, his ego. Many great minds of the past and present has testified that the death of the ego in man is the birth of the Buddha where the man is no more, the I is no more. It is also said that for so long as there is an I, there is suffering. To enter the gateless gate, to take the step across to the other shore, to become one with one's true nature, one's divine nature, to become Atman or Atma - Brahman, to become like God, one has to cease to exist as an entity or an individual. This is a tall order to to take too seriously for most but for those who have been treadling along on this spiritual path to find out, the truth seeker, the Sannyasin, the Sat Yogi, the Saints and Divine Beings and even the Angels, it is imperative that the journey has to be taken with purest of intention and genuine passion and diligences, the journey to enter the Gateless gate is one of self surrender, of  complete submission to the will of the Higher Being, the Divine Self. It is not a journey for the faint hearted nor for those of weak constitution and it is a journey that spans many a lifetime, many an evolution towards the perfection of Wisdom transcending all duality and division in consciousness; right and wrong is just a sickness of the mind.

My trip to Kapas Island, unplanned and short as it may seem has awaken me to some parts of my body, mind  and spirit that i had never before been aware of. Not all I discovered were positive but most pointed me towards the direction of getting to know myself with more clarity. 'Silence is Golden', is perhaps a worn out cliche but Silence Is Golden in the practice towards self realization. There is silence in between two breaths, a good place to start from. Seeking silence of space and time was one of my intentions in going to Kapas and it was with hope that i could find a quiet environment and conducive ambiance for my meditative practices which primarily is to silence my chattering mind or at least give it something new and different to ramble about. { found it and I did not as all that transpired around me was the silence which I sought if only i had been more perceptive and aware of what was happening I could have learned more, of myself. I found the joys and the sorrows, the freedom and the bondage that most of those I met were carrying within each and everyone especially me. If the mind could create a more adverse condition for any form of spiritual practice it created the best scenario for me to experience for three weeks; I could have stayed home watching NETFLIX all day long one series after another, or getting all upset and sad over what is going on in the Middle East particularly the Gaza Strip. I could be listening to Shuniamurti Satsangs from the Satyogi Institute in Costa Rica. Yeah I had choices and options, however it is in my nature to not be stuck in one dimension in life, one role, one circumstance or one episode, I need to experience the varieties in life in order to ascertain my Dharma position, I need to feel where I am coming from before I exit this scene permanently. I can only thus far find it in silence, non attachment, non identifying with the elements on the screen. I am the projector, I am the director and I am the script writer of who or what i am. This is my episode, this is my karmic dance and only in Silence do I feel this element of the Divine in my consciousness.

I talked to both my elder sisters in Terengganu and KL and both are facing pain and suffering in their old age of one form or another. The one in KL was on struggling to get to her room on an excruciating painful foot that had been festering due to her diabetes, the other had just returned from a long trip to the bank to get her card renewed and her phone had been scamped which does not allow her to call out, something like that. Yes, Silence is Golden and i could have not made the calls had they not being my siblings and had in the past taken good care of me. I cannot remain silent while around me life if falling apart for many and myself included, silence is golden when my heart is free. 

It's all about Sharing. -Kapas Boutique Resort.

 

The few key characters I met and bonded with at the Kapas Boutique resort and Alang, the Local Malay Chef from Marang was one of them who was there as my Zen Teacher, My Instructor, my Guru and most of all my good friend. He may not know it but i truly appreciate his role in teaching this ignorant soul a thing about the real and unreality of life. He shared himself with me like he has most probably not done with too many in his past; we spoke soul to soul, exposing our strength and ignorance. We shared our feelings and deep concern for having no idea why we are who we are and that the God equation is something we both are grappling with in our own ways at our own pace. A man of inner strength and strong commitment to what he does as a Chef, Alang was my Kitchen chef in this monastery on Kapas.  

Mio or is it Meo, with a look like that it can be anything and he was a delight to be with. He is Hans the Resort owner's nephew who stayed for a few months to learn the ropes from his uncle on how to run the ship. Everyone loves the kid and they all respect his dedication and commitment to the rigorous work practice he was put through by his uncle. I am proud to have met such a well rounded, disciplined yet easy going and charming kid. 

Our conversation runs like this often," So Mio, you like it here very much and you want to come back as soon as you can. My advice to you is to find a Malay girl and get married like all the rest of these people on the Island. Solve your visas problem and you can have many kids running around Kapas!"

His reply, a big silly grin on his face like the MAD Character, Alfred Newman from Mad magazine.

One of the persons I had the one on one, heart to heart chat with till three in the morning was Emanuel who came from Austria. The Malays has a saying,"Telan mati Emak, ludah mati Bapa." meaning, if you swallow your mother dies, and you spit it out your father dies. IN other words you are stuck between shit loads of devils and deep. Tis was what Emanuel was going through in his life and it has to do with his relationship with his girlfriend in Austria. He was one of the most sensitive and caring person i am fortunate to have met and shared our hopes and fears in the dark of the night over a bottle of Whiskey. Often we need a key good or bad to unlock our consciousness and expose ourselves to the light and that night it was three quarter of a bottle of whiskey between us that helped tore our defense  down and shared our true feelings.

Emanuel told me that he  had once visited Mooji at one of his Satsangs in Spain's Monte Sahaja Retreat, although he was totally impressed by the experience. Emanuel is on the spiritual healing path just like the rest of us

 There's so much natural beauty on Kapas and for an artist one does not know where to begin except to add on to what is already there, like adding finishing touches to a canvas already prepared. This hanging plant growing oout of a large clam shell hanging from a tree is as unique as it gets and the one created it should be proud. I only added the white flower with the pink tips to the arrangement. The flower was from the tree itself and drops to the sand every morning and when I pass by on the way to the dining area I would pick up one and replace the already rotted piece I had added the day before with a new on and this became my 'altar arrangement practice like they do in Zen schools.

For those looking for a place to practice whatever it is, albeit Yoga, or Zen, Tai Chi or simple meditation, the island is still a splendid place in general and the Boutique Resort in particular. I have the opportunity to visit many spiritual retreats and and monasteries in my days and I know the feel of a place with 'Power' where a strong and deep practice can be carried out if the is true and committed to the practice and not get swept away by the monsoon rains, Howe3ver things will change and mostly not for the better as all dreams tends to turn to nightmares when pursued with too much sense of attachment.

We said our farewell on the beach one day and he was gone on his way to meet his father in Thailand and they would latter travel to Hungary if i am not mistaken. See you when I see you, my young Grasshoppa! Thank you for sharing yourself with me despite our age and our cultural and spiritual differences; may you shine like the crazy diamond!

I spent most of my time in the kitchen with my friend Alang who taught me how to cut veggies and boil rice. They say you create your own illusion in life but sometimes the illusion can materialize as what is and what is is often not what it seems. While it all last I made the best of doing the dishes and reflecting my mind in the of what i was going through while on the Island of Kapas...things are never what they seem.

The Kapas Boutique Chalet

Capt. Jack Sparrow or more better known as Cer, {could be short for Nasir} or sounds almost like Sir to the locals. A man of few words and has seen many days on the Island. He owns a small boat that ferries tourist Divers to the diving location around the island.  He did not know what to make of me nor i of him and we developed a mutual respect for one another. 

'The Crew',  staff members of the Kapas Boutique Resort on the day when we saw 'The Meo' off to his homeland in Holland after visiting Thailand where his father was waiting for him and the to Hungary was it? before heading for Amsterdam. Meo is the kid in the front center. The guy on the upper left with the large hat is 'Captain Jack Ser' the captain who takes the divers out to the other side of the Island to enjoy scuba diving. The tallest figure in whit T-Shirt was Arthur from Britain who wants to become a world travelling Chef. The lovely Lady is Dani, Hans's wife. She is as tough as she is pretty and she runs the facility with iron hands and killer eyes, deep down i felt the Love and friendship she is capable of. She was formerly from Leipzig in East Germany.

Emanuel was from Austria here visiting Kapas for the second time after six years. We had a close bonding and shared the life he was facing back home where his girlfriend has been an issue that he had to get away from. 

Rusdi and his partner 'Lolo' the Parrot. They came on a Jet Ski across from the mainland with Rusdi's son riding pillion. Looking at him I never thought he would turn out to be a professor at a local university in Terengganu. He was educated in the US, Oklahoma University.  

Zach, owner of the Boat service,  entertaining visitors with Lolo. 

Mind to mind transmission

Having an agreement with a Parrot.

Time to get some work done.
 

Do You See what I See?

 

I tried to fill my sketchbook with as many sketches as I could however as time wore on the environment got a little more toxic than was conducive towards having creative impulses and so I spent a little more effort with the camera instead just so I still keep my practice as a documentary artist, a 'self seeker' whose mind is in constant analytical mode about every move and every circumstances even every thought is to be recorded, I did my best to keep up.

Kapas can make you feel like you are in a timeless space and you can be lost in your own dream if you sit and be present in the beautiful space, and ocean of tranquility, a silence that even the chattering mind had to fade out of respect for the elegance of Nature.  All thoughts slowly evaporates and the warm sea breeze hold one's attention like a blanket and not a sound other than the lapping of the waves against the shore...I felt Being there. 

Will the next monsoon relocate these tree trunks! WallahuAllam! Only Allah knows. I doubt that this was man's arrangement as a piece of assembled art to enhance the scene of the beach and the ocean . The chaotic twists and turns of the roots is a stark display of opposites against the pristine calmness of the sea. My sketchbook is my ego saying ,"I was there."  

How time has eroded the rocks and the sea has shaped them over millions of years to look and feel as they do today and I am but a speck in time having my experience in form and emptiness, within and without, I was there, Present a consciousness enjoying itself.. This is what i felt most of the time when I was able to be alone away from the Resort. The art of being amidst the chaos and the order of life is what i called, "The Art of Living." The essence of what i call my own art practice or who I am as an artist. Observation and Expression are synonymous, they happen in the moment simultaneously and spontaneously, in the blink of an eye or for eternity; the question is were you there! Who was there! The experiencer! The observer! The witness! who? You? Or were you just another tourist taking the scene in and capturing it on your I-Phone or camera.

Have you listened to Hans Zimmer's, "Pirates of the Caribbean " lately! Earphones are a great help and then you look at the horizon and what do you seee!! Yes, good uplifting music helps to keep the mind from wandering away from where you are at into La la Land or worse yet into the wars and the suffering in the Gaza Strip and in Israel a war that will never end except when it all ends and nothing left to come to an end. The end of time, the end of days, call it what you may or want, Armageddon, the Nuclear Holocaust, the Mother of all wars, the end of Kali Yuga, Lord Shiva dances for the last time in Self Destruction. Yes have music in you ears and in your heart so that you will at least appreciate the beauty that humanity is capable of when not killing each other. 

To the lower right of the picture you see the wall of sand bags that hans had constructed in order to face the upcoming wrath of the Monsoon Season. The called it "The Dutch Wall of Kapas."

 

I had the idea that if I survive the Monsoon Season on the island I would look into opening my own Ashram or Zen retreat called the 'Monsoon Retreat' on Kapas. If Shuniamurti can do it in Costa Rica why can't I on Kapas! It would be a perfect venue for such a spiritual retreat whereby once the Monsoon blows there is no chance of leaving the Island. Boat services cease to operate and it is against the maritime law to do so during the Monsoon. So even if one is bored to death, and ferns are growing between your toes from the damp or one craves for a burger, no such luck. One sits and listen to the winds howling and the rain drumming on the roof and all around you sometimes for weeks often accompanied by a cacophony of thunder and lightning, this will be the practice.

                                   As the Firebird flew by there was silence in the air.

In  the words of my Aussie Brother, Ben Ronjen, "No harm in dreaming, mate!" 

A Gentleman from Washington DC came by and like acted typical American the first day or two. Bossy and aloof is one way to look at it and I thought him to be a bit of a bigot till I got to know him. I approached him after i found out that he was an American, Randy was his name and this was what he wrote on my sketchbook...

" You and i are Finally at the Point in life where we know the importance of life,

not just the cost, It is Freedom.!

Be well Friend,

Randy.-USA.

I told him that he was a CIA man and he said as a matter of fact he once was.

Yes you get to meet all kinds on Kapas and you are just one more actor to the scene. 

It is a matter of LOVE - an Unconditional and Complete Universal Love

 

A trip around the island with a group of tourists locals as well as from other parts of the world was a memorable event that makes it worth all the negative events and circumstances that had transpired on the personal level in dealing with individuals who let their egos run wild and free upon others. I am talking about one or two characters who were striving for recognition and reward while working at the resort. These too were my Zen Teachers, although at the beginning my own ego was about to strike out at these low life who took themselves to be the epitome of the best at what they do and in this case both were chefs at the resort. One a Chinese and the other a Malay and by a long shot both were not worth the wok they fried in. I was almost sucked into the ego trap of confronting these two characters but I was able to keep my self in check by reminding myself of my original intention for being there and nothing was going to deter me from my goal. What's my goal? To enter the gateless Gate. Do I even understand what the phrase means. There were times I thought I did and then it slips from my consciousness and I am still left with the same questions about the meaning of life, my very existence, why I am here or what is my purpose of being here? 

  

Meet my sweetheart Catalina, from Spain. A very beautiful and intelligent young lady who does not not believe in the existence of God like the rest of young Spaniards travelling with her when I asked them this question. We sat in a small circle on the beach one evening as the sun was setting talking about Yoga, Spirituality and God. The most interested among them was Manuel, who does not speak English and needed translation from the others. I enjoyed their presence and did my best to play the role of the wanabe Roshi and rambled about what I practice and how I practice it most of my my adult life. For the first time I how important the understanding of what one feels about a thing like 'Faith' or 'submission' as in Islam. I was talking to a group of intelligent young adult foreigners, two were from Spain and the other two from Argentina.

                                                      

The child belonged to a couple quite well known in the east Coast because the husband who was from Britain and married to a local Malay lady, is able to speak the Terengganu dialect perfectly. He is also a radio DJ if I am not mistaken. Holding the baby made me feel like a real grandpa who has helped to relieve the Mom so she can enjoy a bit of fun too.

The group of young adults that I was able to share my thoughts with and learn of theirs. The young lady in black T Shirt is Hilda from Spain who I found often shouting at her phone for the longest time and I asked her why. She said she always keep up sharing the progress of her trip with friends in Spain and those travelling like her in Vietnam and Thailand. Leslie in the middle was from Germany the sweetest person I have accoutered, although they all were, She was on her way to Penang my hometown. The man with the 'Tanjak' or Malay warrior type headgear was Rosli a former Police Inspector in Marang and had jjust lost his wife, an Austrian. He speaks Austrian German.

A couple from Ireland who I noticed seemed to keep to themselves and so I approached them while serving their meals and found out that they were from Ireland and after getting to know them I bonded with two beautiful, insightful and wise people.  

On my first round the Island trip it was on board the small boat named LOEKA which happened to be Hans junior whom I met in Penang while vacationing there. There was four of us and the boat was run by Alang our Malay Chef. Just as rounded the island toward the open South China Sea the engine failed and we were set drifting. Fortunately for us there were two fishermen fishing not too far away. We were later towed all the way back to Resort.

A warm day and a splash into the warm clear blue water where everyone got a chance to do some snorkeling. I but not for long as I began to realize that i am no longer in good shape like i used to be, but that short swim in the ocean brought out from within feelings of long gone euphoria, of freedom and of being a child again. As much as I wanted to let it all go at the moment and just drift out of existence I felt the embarrassment and not to mention the panic and fear I would cause the rest of those on board. Yes I am becoming more and more fully aware of my  physical limitations, however it is always my mind that I worry about; and the choice of time and place of my demise is not mine to make.   

Manuel, Hilda, Baby Amira and Tuta sharing a moment that would never have happened had I not have this crazy idea of spending the monsoon season on Kapas.

The following is what was written in my sketchbook by these newfound friends;

"It has been a pleasure meeting you. I would Love to know English to know you a little more. I will never forget the night you told us the story. For me it was magical. We will meet again Teacher."

!! Vive El Beiss!!

Manuel, Spain, Sevilla

"There are magical places and magical moments,

also magical people like you.

I will always remember you,

Thank You.

Hilda

"It was a pleasure meeting you since today

When I hear House of the Rising Sun, I will remember you,

Thank you for sharing your knowledge ,

TUTA

""JAMSOL, Thanks for your Love and your Wisdom,

You are SUN like your name in Spanish."

Catalina. Not in the picture.

So I opted to become a babysitter instead and became the center of attention among my Spanish friends.

Kapas means 'wool' - cotton wool.

 

The first time i landed on the Island was sometime in 1963-4 and there was hardly a soul to be found and the only sign of human activity was a staging area for fishermen doing some repair job on their vessel. The island was pristine back then with the coral beds reaching almost up to the water's edge with such abundance of fishes and colorful coral beds. My twin brother and i were fortunate to have been taken under the wings of the then District officer of  Marang district and through his love for fishing and hunting we were taken on many trips every weekend either into the jungle or visiting all the islands along the coast of Terengganu. Like Kapas, most of the islands were uninhabited except for Pulau Perhentian in the north where a small fishing village existed.

The owner of the Resort where i was to stay at is called the Kapas Boutique Resort and the owner's name is Hans, I dubbed him immediatelt, the flying Dutchman of Kapas. I met Hans while I was with my Australian Buddies Ben and Rob who introduced me to Hans and his young son Loeka who was on vacation from school and visiting his dad. The idea of spending time on the island took hold as I got my ok from Hans to stay at his place and do some work in lieu of the cost for my food and lodging. 

As I had the intention of making this trip another spiritual journey in the long healing process of my body mind and spirit, I sensed that Hans, the Flying Dutchman was going to be playing a crucial role as my Zen Teacher during the duration of my stay on Kapas. He is as unique as they come and quite a character when it comes to dealing with his employees and visitors to the resort. It was a lesson in itself to watch him carry out his duties as a resort owner making sure that the place is run tip top like a four or five star accommodation. There was time for work and time for play and the two were well orchestrated such that the guests' well being was never put into question. Hans kept an eye on the daily operation of the resort through viewing everyone in the videos he had installed in his office and thus one rarely saw him giving orders except when he was working outside himself. Hans reminded me of my former 'Zen Teachers' as i call them those who play a lead model in life for others to follow or emulate. He reminded me of Captain Zakaria Amantasha of Lintang Organic Farm or SRI LOVELY in Belantik, Sik, Kedah where I had the opportunity to spend sometime working on an organic rice growing farm. They have similar energies and mental drives; what leaders are made of. Hans has a German wife whose energy for work perhaps even surpasses his and often one can see that she ran the show and kept things under tight control. These are to me the type of characters one rarely find in our daily life and the things they have to teach you comes through watching their examples, like what it takes to move on in a far greater way than just being ordinary. Many would not agree with their ways and methods and even at times their temperamental characters, but it comes in the parcel all tied together to make things happen. #lintangorganicfarm     

Zach the boatman's father in law was one of the first few characters that i got acquainted with although there was not much verbal communication between us we were able to smile our way through in getting to know about who we were. what tales we had to share about ourselves. Whenever possible i got his daughter to interpret what we had to say and I learned that he was facing an open heart surgery in the near future as soon as he returned to his country. In his way he seemed calm and accepting of the fact but there were times when I caught the forlorn look in his demeanor while sitting by himself and I felt sad if not sorry for him. However according to his daughter, her father is perfectly ready to face the inevitable  and was fully contented that he was able to visit her and her children. 

When you shake a tree be careful of may fall from the branches and when you dig into the lives of others deep enough you often shatter the illusion you have about them especially the judgement you have made before getting to know who they are. Hence sometimes it is best not to shake any tree and just accept it for  what it is, just another tree.  

Sometime in the evening I took a stroll to another part of the beach to witness the releasing of sixty turtle hatchlings from the nearby resort where a turtle hatchery has been kept by a non governmental organization. This effort has been going on for many years now and the effort to replenish the sea with turtles is a labor of love. I wondered as most of us would , how many of these baby turtles would survive to live an adult life and perhaps return to lay their eggs along the beaches. Terengganu was at one time visited by numerous numbers of turtles even on the mainland, however the reckless and ignorance of the people who only saw monetary values to the eggs they lay and the encroachment of their egg laying habitat by human activities has seen a tremendous decline of turtle visits in the area.  

 

The hatchlings upon release would make their way towards the water as though they knew where to go. It is said that the baby turtles were attracted by the light of the sun that led them on their way.  Most would become prey to the predators like birds and larger fishes before they were ever able to make it out to the open waters. Those that makes it would live a long and fruitful life like their ancestors did.

The Island boasts with some of the most beautiful sunsets and the mainland stretches from left to right all along the horizon. It was one of my favorite time to sit upon the soft sand and meditate upon the setting of the sun while listening to the gentle rhythm of the waves lapping along the beach and the gentle breeze cooling my soul. Moments like these was why I made  the trip to places like this.