Just enjoying writing about nothing.

Now writing simply because, I enjoy writing and I write for the sake of getting to know closer as to I truly am given seventy years of walking this earth and breathing the air. Who am I? What am I? This is when the piece where the theme of the "Pirates of the Caribbean reaches its theme crescendo leading to the beginning of the actual theme and followed by the soft haunting Irish song (?) in the tradition only Hans Zimmer is capable of. Now the followed by the slow build up of the theme from The Gladiator, with the sound of tablas and the whole orchestra as the back ground...this is life, this is creativity,the  the creative imagination of an evolved mind and spirit that is able to gather all like passionate minds to present the world with some of the most awe inspiring, spirit raising themes from some of the great movies made in recent years...if I am to drift, I would like to be drifting into the realms the creative passionate and awakened side of my inherent nature; I have had enough of dramas  , the ones I have created and those that I witness and participate with in others in the effort of serve. However i have also come to realize that as much as I am to believe that all these are illusions or Maya, I am still trapped in this reality and really there is nowhere to run to except within through acceptance and total embrace; This is It!!! This is there is all to It, nothing more nothing less! This is the end and beginning the distance, this is the Whole, Complete and Perfect, this is the moment when all becomes clear and yet meaningless a very necessary waste of good human existence, a necessary ground for good and evil, black or white, right or wrong is to be worked out and fully, with Right Understanding, this is the awakened mind and having it, put it to practice as a path in life to ease suffering or the perception of it. This is where I feel reaching the summit of my Mystique Mountain...this too will pass.

Yes the joy of writing about myself is becoming a bad habit but I am beginning to enjoy it after so many years of having doubts that I have what it takes, this lengthy Blog, The Ramblings of the Cheeseburger Buddha, is my testimony to myself that, I am a Blogger! I enjoy writing! After over 2000 entries over almost twelve years, I discover that I can writing anything I choose to! But I will not be overly ambitious and keep to what I like to write about best; Myself. I am and has always often seen myself  an oddball, I the guy that take a poke at the Lion's balls and hide my hand. Every time I thought i have found the answers, life would take a bite at my arse, the unpredictable nature of my existence has been a source of vexation in me in the past, I was young then. Today I sit writing as a sevety year old who have been of the path he has chosen for himself since childhood; the bridges of ignorance are being burned behind him with every step he makes and every breath he takes. He walks his path towards the 'Seat of the Maker', The Throne of the All Compassionate and Loving Lord of the Universe. The theme from the Lion King screams in my head at this very instant in time while i am writing this. Timing! 

On this fasting month of Ramadan, I do solemnly swear that I will not at any moment doubt my abilities, my gifted talents and my awakened spirit, ever again. If and when I do I will make every effort to enter this river again, no matter how deep or shallow, calm or pregnant with swift flowing flood water, I will find my way to cross over. Perhaps this what my dreams has been telling me about how i find so much difficulties and obstacles in trying to find my way home. In my recurring dreams i always find myself lost or often distracted from finding the safe transport to reach my home. I have been running is circles like a chicken without a head, looking for the answers when right before me, the answer is staring back at me. What?! where to next? More writing? More meditating? More trying to find the balance and alignment to attain maximum warp drive discover what is way out there? We have Netflix to transport our minds to a whole new dimension of every time we have had enough of this one. What is Right Living?

The Imam on You Tube said that the best time to make prayer and ask for the Lord's assistance is immediately after performing the Fajhr or Subuh or dawn Prayer. The Lord fulfills every requests made during this time more so than any other times of the five daily prayers. This was posted on my messenger link by my twin brother, I am grateful for his thoughts and intention; I know he worries about my salvation in the afterlife; in this life he treats me like shit pretty much through my life and i never have the guts or the will to tell it to him in his face cause i know if I had done so there would it would end in violence. It is sad to admit this to myself, however i have to exorcise myself of this inferiority complex carrying of my back like sack of rotten potatoes, I am relieved having let it out after listening to the Video he sent, I realized how little we know of each other even though we were born with a half an hour difference between us; how sad! 

I never hated my brother not in my heart and I keep reminding myself of this every time i visited family and friends in the East Coast. I made at least twelve trps often driving through the night in my former car a Kancil, alone; some say it was madness, but i did and the little car took me to and fro with no problem, about a six to eight hour long drive up an over the Main Range  or in Malay the Pergunungan Titiwangsa, of the Peninsular dividing the East from  the West, the East West Highway, where you might have to stop an let a family of elephants or a Tiger just laying there like nothing. I was stupid in more than one sense but I did and every time I made it to Kuala Terengganu I would drop in to say hello to my twin at his home and sometimes I even agreed to spend a few nights at his home. I had some good times and some real bad ones that us close to going at our jugulars. It was dumb! The point is I made an effort to visit him at his home 12 times, my brother has never visited me in my home. The string of "Siratal Rahim" must never be broken, the ties between siblings is sacrosanct, The first thing my elder sisters would ask me when I visited them was and perhaps still, have you gone to your brothers' house? I had recognized this truth and accepted it. The thought that I was play acting a role of wanting this or that as the outcome, a self written drama that has to be played out as my reputation as being the Mr. All round okay guy, deserves a break. I was never at ease visiting my brother and his wife, my bad!

 On that subject, the teenage sibling rivalry of a pair of twins who were raised separately since birth for twelve years of their childhood lives and then later to be rejoined at the age of twelve. We were dubbed the "Corsican Brothers," by the seniors at our Secondary School, we go the same school and thank God never sat in the same class, or did we? Hmm. Anyway it was one way of saying that we would shoot one another rather than shake hands, real bad. On my last visit last year sometime, my twin brother admitted to my friend how he was envious of my talent when we were growing up, and had he offered my friend to buy the painting it was a blessing too much to expect. No i do not hate my twin brother but i am sad for whatever it is worth that we have grown old without having really got to know one another. Perhaps i am being dramatic about it and looking for blames, no and this writing bears witness, that I had never seek to blame or much less hate anyone in my family. And no amount of writing will justify me for blaming anyone else for the course my life has taken. I fall and I rise of my own free will, only sometimes or most of the time fail to see it as such, I kept blaming myself, it was the only thing that made sense, so, I took matters into my owns hands and broke free from my immediate family,  only going home to eat or sleep. I  became incorrigible, I allowed my rampaging ego a free reign to satisfy itself in every shape or form. I became a rebel without a cause, an angry teenager who had been bullied and frowned by fellow Muslim students at his former primary school while growing up in Penang, only back then I never rationalize like i am doing now, back then i simply made it happen it never needed rhyme or reason to happen except to satisfy a desire to be free from constraints and controls and ever sadder, the lack of compassion and the ability for forgiveness among siblings could win me over to have any faith in   me feel    what is said by the Imam, on the video he sent me to listen to, and yes i did listen to this most perfect Arab looking young man who spoke Bahasa Malaysia to perfection, gave a talk about the best time to ask God for what you truly need of desire. I absolutely agree with him, no doubt, but I my own time of day or moment when I talk and ask God's forgiveness for what my think all the time! Astarghfirullah AlAzim! Forgive me Lord for I had thought all that murderous thoughts or all the lascivious thoughts, thoughts that should think of thinking. I talk to my Lord and ask in prayer for Grace and Mercy  form my Lord almost throughout the day and often even when I dreamed. I find the healing comfort from this in my meditation or sitting Zazen practice. I take refuge in the silence of my mind even for a split second and i would be rejuvenated, revitalized, renewed to enter back into the Realm of Dharma that I am in.

"Sentient Beings are numberless,. 
and i vow to awaken with them."

The first of the Sacred vows of the Bodhisattva, he who has returned time and again to further bring forth as many beings as possible across to the other side of this raging river. It is another dumb idea, I know, but it is still an exciting concept to be carrying out as a self discipline practice whether it is valid or otherwise. I bowed and prostrated  myself before an altar where sat an antique wooden Japanese statue of  Lord Manjushri, the Bodhisattva of infinite Wisdom, nine times up and down while reciting the vows.   while living and practicing Zen Buddhist at the Green Dragon Zen Temple or better known as Green Gulch Farm, I was sold with the idea of becoming a Bodhisattva, I believe that i am here on this earth to live out my karmic consequences while helping others to wake up from this drifting state of consciousness. Drifting like a flotsam down this river of un-Consciousness, drifting around is a daze like zombies clinging on to the ephemeral and impermanence of what life has to offer, Most will return to that which they had come from holding on to what they has believed and practice through out their lives. "As you sow,  And so shall you reap."This is the law of Karma. This law too can be broken. It is in how you perceive life to be and in truly coming to an absolute understanding of who you are the you might be able to break the chain in the interconnected karmic events and through acceptance and surrender you free yourself from having lied, cheat or steal, to fornicating and murder, it is all in your hands how far are you willing to take yourself seriously? How closely are you willing to observe and witness your every thought and actions past present and future? Accepting the best ad the worse and being able to ask and forgive yourself for transgressions and being grateful for you blessing. This is contemplation in meditation where issues that rises and falls during a sitting is looked at and fully understood and letting go effortlessly.