And the purge begins.

 The truth I seek has always been right within me and it is an unwavering truth only the seeker wavers from the path as I get side tracked, attached to, entangled with all the 'roadside attractions' that comes my way. Any man worth his salt knows how much time and effort have been wasted over the years by just pandering to wanting to be a Blogger, or an autobiographical writer for no apparent good reason than to fill up empty spaces and moments in time. This Blog has been read I can safely say by more than half a million readers from many parts of the globe and I sincerely hope that it has done some good in some small way for one or two who have read my postings. It is not my intention to be making a living out of it and google has seen to it that I don't claiming that I had not been honest. Not much that I can do there and Google is still carrying out their advertising links from my Blog, so money is out of the question. I have time and again tried to justify why I do so but they are all just just justifications but not convincing enough. So I will let it rest on the reasons why and simply enjoy what it is that matters here and now and that is being occupied with putting down into words what my mind thinks and watch how it has grown over the years this line of thoughts that one man carries around with him as he walks this path we call life.

The truth I seek has never really existed, it is simply an idea that was created to give some form of meaning as to what or how my life has been, still is an will always be; the mind is repetitious in nature like a broken record. it keeps repeating the same lines again and again until someone or something shoves the needle out of the same groove to the next, like you see some angry drunk kicking the jukebox in the tavern. Then there is the mind that is like a pinball machine and all kinds of changes, lights flashing and bells ringing  as the ball rolls downwards according to the will of the player in his effort to stay alive in the game and claims highest points. This too after repetitious playing becomes just that, repetitious and the player will eventually walk away giving up to find a more exciting and challenging game; this too is the truth.

The truth I seek has never really meant anything but just the game that my mind has played all along keeping me thinking I am getting somewhere, achieving something, fulfilling my intentions, in short feeding my needs. Spiritually, I am just as ignorant and bereft of what the truth is and even if it matters if life has any meaning worth pondering for the truth is I and many like me am just trying to give meaning to life as a justification for my existence on the plane of existence having been born out of this Planet; I am a product of my environment, as it is said. If so why the need to seek for the proverbial truth? Am I a truth seeker? Am I truly, genuinely and sincerely out to find out what it is all about, this life of mine? Or am I another smoker of dream pipes and hallucinating my life away instead of raising cattle like my twin brother is successfully doing with his life; what a half an hour difference can make in how your life can turn out to be.

The truth seeker will never discover the truth even if it hit him in the head and knock him out senseless for he is too busy seeking and blinded by the very truth of his own ignorance. He is no more different from Don Quixote De La Mancha who rides all over the countryside charging at windmills taking them to be smoking dragons. I find myself running in circles looking for my tail and never catching up to it throughout my life. I got the answers but they slip away from my consciousness when a new question arises or a new perception takes my fancy, nothing truly comes my way except fleeting thoughts of the past, memories they lingers on until I am shaken and the needle shifts to the next groove where the next line continues with the same old tune. Thus if anyone in their foolish mind would undertake to read my entire Blog entry to this date they will find out how repetitive my narrative has been over the years and this is perhaps the purpose of this Blog, to keep an ongoing record of my mental formations and physical existence as thoroughly and transparently as I honestly could. I am and has been taking the scalpel to my brain, my nerves, my senses, my thoughts and imaginations; I am flaying myself to discover what lies within.

The truth I seek is not the truth but the Demon within that has taken root in me like a parasite leading its host towards insanity if not self destruction and I do not speak of this lightly as the fate my soul is on the line. At the age of 70, my twin brother said that I frightened him when I visited him last year and had to walk out of his house still puzzled as to what I did who i am that frightened him so badly. This is just giving a view of the tip of my psychic iceberg of my unconscious mind. The demon of as Jung would call it, my 'shadow' self, has always been there in my consciousness and perhaps I make it my scapegoat for all the crazy, if not disgusting and frightening things that I have done in my life of which some I could not even come to admit even in a confession before a man of the Cloth; at thirteen I cursed God pointing my finger at Him out of sheer pain and anger. I will never forget this moment in time, the nadir of my life when I hated God and my mother and mostly who I was and i had no one to turn to at the time; least of all God. I think it was from then on that I became the demon and lived my life like one. Nothing was sacred anymore and no one escaped my wrath and lust; I was a very incorrigible, a very angry and vindictive man and along my path I had destroyed many lives through bad relationships, dishonesty and corrupted spirit.

The truth I seek is as a matter of fact is hidden deep within me wrapping its tendrils tight choking my beating heart and sucking the very life out of me and I have been fighting this dark truth ever trying to regain my spirit and soul. I do not hate this demon for it is too late to well upon it and it would only raise more negative energy in the form of anger, but I will keep on exposing the truth of who I am layer by layer until I have exposed the demon to the light and absolve myself of all my sins. Ever since I was awakened to the nature of my status as a human being, when I started to see who I was and what I have become, I have taken the Bodhisattva Vows as my battle cry towards the salvation of my soul. 

DELUSIONS ARE INEXHAUSTIBLE,
I VOW TO END THEM!

This is the second of the four truth of the Bodhisattva vows. It is my intention for better or worse to empty my own shit bucket and clean my closets as thoroughly as I can before I throw in the towel and call it game over. No Church, no Preacher, no Mosques, no Imams, no Temples no Priests, I will walk my own fire and cleanse my own spirit/soul for the truth i seek is nowhere to be found but in me. I can never shake off my shad Itow but i can embrace it and become whole and complete as one and as one I will become a Buddha and as a Buddha it is my intention to approach my Lord for His Mercy and Grace. may not happen in this lifetime but time is on my side for I have learned to suffer time. If and when I die i would I know that I have lived life on my own terms and wrote my own story. 

Insha'Allah! God Willing.