That empty feeling inside.

This morning I had an early call from my debt collectors wanting to meet me at my place of residence to carry out their investigation on my financial status; at least some agencies are working. And then a little later the TNB man turned up at the door to cut off my daughter's electricity supply for unpaid bills;Wahr a way to start the day after coughing up a storm all night long and not being able to have a decent sleep. Yes my mother would have said that there would be days like this had she even talked to me and so here I am trying to keep an open mind about it all and make the best out of what lies ahead. 
My mind off course has already been at it that this life is not worth living any longer as it has become a waste of time and effort, like yada!, yada! Body and mind are not in the best of health as a matter of fact and not so much due to these minor setbacks but as a whole, I find it truly indeed is a long process of decay from the day I was born. All the experiences and wisdoms gained throughout my life were just like an added insult to an injury and this longing for truth and getting to know who I am truly am journey is nothing more than a farce, a justification of a failed attempt at living a cool comfortable life like my siblings wallowing in their wealth and success in old age. It is an admission I hate to declare to myself but yes, they were right and I am wrong, my chosen path sucks! 
So, i got about an hour to go face my defeat and humiliation where i will meet my debt collectors, but before i drive there I thought I would let it all out abit so i do not loose my cool in dealing with the situation. I called the lawyer in charge of my file but no answer as I thought I might talk him into letting me make some kind of arrangement, no such luck. My daughter has paid all her electric bills on line and so the issue has been settled and TNB has jumped the gun. Still it is not a great feeling to say the least and after celebrating my 68th. birthday a few days ago it does leaves my heart with an empty feeling; have I really squandered my life away?