An old karma playing itself out....

"And the meek shall inherit the earth..." 
As i was applying some salve in between my legs that has been inflamed by fungal infection I felt a tremendous amount of anguish and tears started pouring out of me; this has been one of the horrors of my life since I was a teenager. I suffered from this most uncomfortable and painful foul smelling itch when i was about thirteen and it tormented me mentally as i was ashamed of it every time i went to school. I used to sit up at night crying on the front steps of y house cause there was no one i could turn to for help, not even my parents and God did i hated life and even God! I used all kinds of ointments to the point of applying stuff that burnt my skin like acid and i would scream in pain, it was my darkest moment in life which for the first time i am sharing about in my Blog. The dark scars still remained all these years and now it has returned to haunt me again in my old age!
It is like a curse and perhaps it is as i am perversely attracted to sex and women for as long as i can remember. There were times during my torment moments i would ask the Lord to take away my sexual desires,but this was unanswered. Today as i apply again the stinging salve all over my crotch and as tears kept popping out my eyes i felt a sense of relief as I realized that i am going through my self healing process and now has arrived at one of my deep rooted fears of going through this painful experience and how i hated life and God for it when i was young; now i accept it and I say thank you my Lord for making me taste again this bitterness. It is the most humbling experience as I feel so vulnerable and hurtful. I know now that i am going through a purification stage to resolve old untidy issues and at the very least I am no more intimidated nor angered by it; I am embracing this most painful episode in my life like an old friend.
I even feel better now that i am able to express it in words, this demon that has been tormenting me all these years in the form of anger and very low self esteem. My disregard for the sanctity of sexual behaviours and my relationship with women. What has happened in the past I cannot change but at least in the future i know better. I am still coughing up a storm spitting out phlegm till my chest seems like it is reaping apart and now with this aggravating itch in my crotch; I am still groping in the dark night of my soul. As for sex, it is safe to say that i have not had sex for the past few years and doubt that i ever will in the near future; I am a  self imposed celibate. The only way to clean up my self inflicted causes of pain and suffering is to become aware of their existence and their causes. I will endure and persevere until I have turned all these past craps into the very compost that will help to heal my soul; this is my vow put down in writing. I will expose each and every nerve and cell if needed be and look into every thought and experiences of my past, present and future like a scientist would in the lab of my consciousness and this will be my game plan on how to heal myself, physically, mentally as well as spiritually. In the meantime i will resist from the urge to scratch my balls.
And this too shall pass...