My Road, another road less traveled.

I am here in Kuala Trengganu visiting my family and friends and trying to make some moves towards reconciliation with my two elder brothers as best I could. My first visit was to my eldest brother Razali who I found was recovering from a case of food poisoning. I offered to give him a body massage which he gladly accepted and that was the ice breaker. While working on him we chatted but avoided any sensitive issues of the past except that i told him how my last communication with our father was giving his the same massage and relieving him of a stomach gastric issue as he had a big smile on his face the next day I saw him. that was years ago. My brother shared a little of his feelings about our father saying that every time he prayed he would ask for our father's forgiveness for having been rough on the old man every now and then when the old man was living with him. I made a comment in my mind  to the fact it would be better to pray instead for God to forgive the old for his sins as it is said that God listens to the children's prayer and benefit the parents in the afterlife.Instead I told my brother that he had done more than his share towards the family's well being and that ha had made many sacrifices for us and I do not think that my father would hold it against him if every now and then my brother explodes.
My second visit was to my twin brother's where I was taken to visit my sister in law's new Songket weaving facility and later to my twin's cattle ranch.. Along the way I was pointed out a new house being built for my twin brother in case he decides to stay closer to his ranch.It was on a great location close to the Marang River. At the farm we found my twin tending to his cattle with the help of his Indonesia maid who was hauling bas of freshly cut grass to the stalls of cows waiting impatiently for the feed. My first impression upon seeing my twin up closer was, 'what the hell is he doing out there in the hot sun while having problem breathing. He was not a picture of a healthy rancher but someone who might collapse any time from shortness of breath, he has a heart problem. But I got to hand it to him the fact that he is pretty dedicated to what he was doing although he really does not need any of this hardship. Many of his cattle was stolen including his ducks and chickens and in his own admission, raising these cattle is not profitable and allot of hard work But it must be something that keeps him busy and remain healthy otherwise if it is for money alone he has more than enough to live by.
I was invited to stay the night there which was according to my sisters later was a historic event as this was not heard of before; my twin and I have issues from our past ans never saw eye to eye. Hence it is one of the reasons for my visit, to patch up things between us or make the effort to at least. But after spending the next day with him on the 'Ranch', I know that we have drifted too far to reconcile beyond just being civil and playing host and guest or more like cat and mouse, I am the mouse. So in the evening after working a little in the hot sun I decided to say thank you and good bye and we parted company in good form with him giving me 100RM as a parting gift. Perhaps things will improve in our relationship into the future as we get older, but it is best to part while we are still cordial. I love my brother and proud of his accomplishments in life, but we have build too strong and impervious wall between us for any warm and relaxed interpersonal communication to happen. Perhaps I have disappointed him once too often to be accepted into his good books, or that I have yet to earn his respect even as a younger brother. Bottom line I drove away not feeling totally at ease with the whole episode but also with a little sadness in my heart. One thing I can say for myself is that I have made the effort to connect for whatever reason and this was not the first time.
One nagging issue that has been plaguing me was the fact my daughter's college fees is due by the end of the month and this has clouded my mind day and night; where or who am i going to ask it from this time; it is begging time! Started by calling my cousin Zakaria in Shah Alam but got no connection and then thought of LeeKhai in Penang and left a message on his mobile via the Face Book connection. While waiting i thought of my nephew Jamal who lives in Shah Alam and decide to visit my elder sister to get his phone number. Upon my arrival i discovered to my pleasant surprise that Jamal was there visiting his mother. In short I got my money for my daughter's fees. On mu return to my nephew's where I have been staying I found that Lee had also said that he will bank in Marissa's fees on Monday! So I am now feeling not so pressured and will plan my next move in the next few days.
Since loading my pictures is still a problem, I will have to wait to get this done, perhaps when I get to see my friend Fadzly Mubin in Kelantan, he is the computer genius. My phone is dead as I forgot the charger in Penang...Such Is. But them are the breaks as they say it in the Mid West, (Green Bay, Wisc.)...or Such Is as the Gautama used to mutter to himself when things got a little muddled. By the time I am writing this entry I have received three offers to help out with paying for my daughter's fees of RM1600 as all three individuals i reached out to has offered to make the payment. Yes there is hope yet for the elegant beggars of this world! It gives me greater incentive to continues doing what i set out to do simply because there are those who stand behind me and believe in what I aspire in this life as odd and meaningless and there are those who frown at my 'spineless approach'. It may seems to many that I have met that they too wish they could do what I have done with life.
As i have mentioned before what I own in my life is all in the little Kancil and if so happens that I die along the road inside the car it will be be my vehicle into the next life and I have no regrets whatever. My story will continue to be shared and my being among all those who I have met along the road will be my subjects, my theme, my story.I am fortunate even blessed in more than one way to have the love and support of my friends and relatives all these years despite my 'weird ways' or having take the 'Road less Traveled', often going against the grains of the norm. It is through their support that i feel a whole lot more confident and free from any sense of despair, loss or rejection, ailments that I found I have suffered in my early years due to my own ignorance and delusions.
There is Love and Understanding everywhere and you just have to Be There! There are sympathetic and listening ears to your needs if you can only Be Present to Listen. Your pride and most damagingly your ego will be the only thing that can stand in your way towards achieving your goals in this life. I do not write to justify myself nor do I ask for anyone's approval as to my ways of doing things, but I write to myself as a self study while exposing to the world that my way with all its flaws and faults has its own merits ans its own purpose, take what you will out of it and reflect upon your own ways, for I have been providing just another 'roadside attraction' to this we call Life.