Wednesday, August 09, 2017

When I get older, ..

I ask myself, what is it that makes me, Me and the answer eludes me as i could never place my finger on the very exact nature of my self satisfaction. What do I live for. What do I hope to achieve in the course of my life. All these idealistic thoughts and ideas, all these spiritual and religious justifications all these writing about the past and hopes of the future, what am I looking for. My body is slowly loosing its vigor and one ailment after another seems to happen that leaves me less and less energetic and I attribute it to old age and bad habits, but I feel much worse than just aches and pains, I feel like I am fighting a loosing battle and I don't even know what war it is that I am fighting.   guess it boils down to what have I accomplished in this life  that I can say, that's my legacy. I have done something worthwhile with my life even if I depart this life a pauper. 
On the whole, I would not claim that my life had been a waste of space and time either as i have done and been to places more than most of my fellow man and i have touched many lives of others in the most intimate as well as casual ways worth looking back at. I have made my share of mistakes and failed at many relationships but I have not regrets over my past failures not even those that had cost in my relationship with others. I look upon these broken relationships as meant to be, in many cases it was meant for me to break away from the situation or circumstances I was in. In most cases i committed betrayals and trust of my friends without much thought which ended many close relationships in a negative manner. I felt bad about my wrong doings but I also felt it was meant to be just as it was time for a change from what was. I was never meant to stay too long in one relationship nor in one place and as such I never had a home I can call my own. Tonight while walking along a corridor after having dinner with my daughter, I noticed three homeless Chinese sleeping in makeshift bed surrounded by carton boxes; it could have been me at one time not too long ago.
In a few days I will celebrate my 68th birthday in Kuala Lumpur as I am being invited to visit my niece and her family there. Her eldest son will continue his higher education in the State of Wisconsin and she most probably wants me to talk to the kid about living there as I have spent over 8 years in Green Bay, Wisconsin. In a month or two winter will be setting in and the kid better have some warms cloths as his top priority. The trip to KL will be a good change of pace for me, to get away from this city for a few days and hang out with some grand kids celebrating my birthday.  


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