Thursday, August 16, 2018

Art will Never Die- The Artist does.

My daughter caught me by surprise by walking in the doorway on the evening of my birthday. She told me she had given in her resignation letter if she were not allowed to return to be with me for a few days and her bosses gave in. I was genuinely surprised and imy heart swell at the sight of her trying to catch my surprise look on her phone camera. What else can one expect in life when your daughter made such sacrifice by laying her job on the line to be with you on your birthday; Alhamdulillah! She has a mind of her own from the day she could walk. She grew up being bullied since kindergarten as she attended a Japanese school in Sendai, Japan where she was a 'henna gaijin' kid among rich parent kids as the school was among the best in the City. Later when we moved to Malaysia from Japan she became a victim of bullying by the Malay girls at her Malay schools for being yet a foreigner of mixed blood. She survived these challenges and today the experiences has made her strong in character. My words of advice to her has always been to remember who she is as a person who had been through life's trials and tribulations at an early age.

At the age of 12-13, she and elder brother who is one year older had accompanied their sick mother on a flight from KLIA to St. Louse Mo. in the United States. My late wife was suffering from what was called rapid dementia, a more critical form of alzheimer and I was not allowed to follow as i was not a US citizen by the American Embassy in Kuala LUmpur. I had to go through a waiting process as the ven happened just after the 911 incident in New York. I could only pray and surrender to the Lord's Will to make it all happen safely and it did. Imagine two children having to go through all the airports while making sure their mother did not break down in the process. After a month in Illinois their grandmother decided to send them back to me in Malaysia as she could not handle the situation, and so they travelled again halfway across the world to meet their fate in this country. The All Mighty could not have given a greater challenge for all three of us and I count it as a Grace and a Blessing.

On another note, millions of Ringgit Malaysia has been donated to the Malaysian government  by the citizens of this country rich and poor alike in order to meet the debts and economic crisis we are facing; it is unprecedented in the annals of any country in the world. This is what makes one proud to be of the society one grew up in. After a land slide victory to end the kleptocratic system that had ruled for sixty years, the citizens of this country, multiracial as it i to come together and bear the common burden of chipping out to save the Nation from bankruptcy; this is an eye opener and a whole new ball game of patriotism. With the eldest Prime Minister of 93 years old at the helm, Malaysia is going to attempt the impossible of turning around a beleaguered economic, political as well as religious harmony that has become the rallying call of this Nation. There is hope yet for the generations to come as their future is now being paved for them through acts of great courage and sacrifice of those elected newly into power. I pray that this too is yet another Grace and Blessing of the All Mighty for us as a whole.

I got my first commission to paint a mural on the walls of a School building which is close to where I grew up. It is a small project but it is a good start for me to get back into being creative as i have practically divorced myself from making Art for almost two years now. I still do keep sketching and writing to keep myself from getting too rusted to start again, but i feel a whole confidence in myself and look forward to creating my best yet. 

“From the age of 6 I had a mania for drawing the shapes of things. When I was 50 I had published a universe of designs. But all I have done before the the age of 70 is not worth bothering with. At 75 I'll have learned something of the pattern of nature, of animals, of plants, of trees, birds, fish and insects. When I am 80 you will see real progress. At 90 I shall have cut my way deeply into the mystery of life itself. At 100, I shall be a marvelous artist. At 110, everything I create; a dot, a line, will jump to life as never before. To all of you who are going to live as long as I do, I promise to keep my word. I am writing this in my old age. I used to call myself Hokusai, but today I sign my self 'The Old Man Mad About Drawing.”
― Hokusai Katsushika

Sunday, August 12, 2018

A Very Happy Birthday to Me!

A Very Happy Birthday to me! 69 years it has been since i was delivered into this realm of existence under very dire and wanting circumstances that resulted in me having to be given up for adoption. I came into this life about half an hour after my twin brother who was fortunate to have been raised by my family and as a result of being seperated till this day we never see eye to eye; sad but true. It has been never easy to know that you have been an unwanted child of the family even by your own mother and this too was a fact as it was revealed to me by my Auntie who was also the midwife for the delivery. This is the result of a bad marriage and poverty that forced my family to take drastic measures in order to survive in the old days, but the seven of us in the family survived and as i am the youngest I feel that we have not done too bad.
My journey of self healing began sometime in 1978 when I started to keep my journals while I was at the university in Wisconsin and has now been transformed into this Blogging which I started to keep since 2005 while living on the East Coast of the state of Terengganu. In trying to seek the answer to the simple question of who I am  I have transported myself back and forth while dealing with deep rooted karma that had haunted my mind causing much anger and sadness in my life. I am still at it despite all the revelations that has emerged in all kinds of negative expressions and self mortifications through all kinds of studies and practices, but I feel a whole lot at peace now, more so than ever before. It is my hope that this long quest to divest myself of the negative impact of my childhood and young adult life as a lesson for those who are similarly undergoing the same trials and tribulations in their lives; that nothing, not a sickness, physical or emotional that has no cure. only you can cure your splintered soul and it takes a great deal of work and commitment and a whole lot of faith and trust if not courage to dive into the deepest levels of the our subconscious mind and root out the negativity  that is buried there.
Acceptance and forgiveness is the key to unlocking these deep rooted karmic consequences and letting go and moving forward is the key to unburdening the load of sorrow and pain that they have caused; easier said than done. Thus, at this age, when most of my childhood friends have departed one by one, I am still on the road towards self discovery enlightening myself from the baggage that i have been carrying a piece at a time until they are totally disposed off leaving no more traces to haunt me. It is like breaking the chain of bondage link by link towards liberating my soul from the bondage of self ignorance, self doubt and self low esteem. As I have often mentioned in the past, I am getting close to turning what is negative into the positive, what don't make sense to sensibility, what was destructive into creativity; this is my Art of Living.
"Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder."- Rumi  


Saturday, August 11, 2018

Home is where the heart is.

At the beginning of my latest sketchbook that I am currently working with I had written a short line, " Wherever you are, be at Home. the is where the Heart is." While having my coffee at at the restaurant where I have been hanging out for the over ten years now and where most of the water colors and sketching were being done, I tried to explain to one of the young man who was browsing through the sketchbook what this statement meant. I had to translate the lines for him as he was not well versed in English. I shared with him what it meant to me when i wrote it as it came to my mind as a realization. I told him that in my life, home had always been on the road, where ever I was and has been and is at today, that's my home. My family are those that are around me at the time and I treat others like they are my brothers and sisters or my loved ones and that includes all, young and old and those who are strangers to me, meeting for the first time.It does not matter whether they are Black, White or Blue in color. I greet them like they are my family, the rich, the poor, the educated or the drug addicts.

His eyes lit up and he nodded his head at me like he had just had an awakening, "Yes! it is true!" This is why I told him further that I can walk into this place at three in the morning and not feel intimidated or afraid even though this is a 'Red Zone Area' for drug trafficking, gambling and so forth and that it is forever under police surveillance and narcotic raids. I have never been confronted or attacked as a matter of fact not even a harsh word had ever been uttered in my face here, only respect. The taste of the black coffee in my mouth made me want a cigarette, which I had stopped buying to cut down on smoking, but the yearn for it was too strong that i told him to find me one and he immediately went off to find me one. After about fifteen minutes later another friend came by and asked me if i like the local Indonesian cigarette, and handed me an unopened pack which he had got for free. I looked at my young friend and asked him if he now understands what I had written and he smiled wide and nodded his head. I told him had i been patient enough for another fifteen minutes i would not have to asked for a cigarette, I would have been offered a whole pack instead; this is being at home.

When you open your heart to the rest of the world, it opens its heart to you and anything you ask for is given as the world watches over you and your needs. I always like to look good or at least presentable wherever i go, and my friends would would often comment of this and I would tell them, I may not have a dime in my pocket but that does not mean I have to look it. It is not meant to show off that i wear a Tissot watch worth a couple of thousand dollars, a gift from my son and stopped working when the battery ran out, or the Adidas sneakers, or the American Eagle jeans, all of which were given to me  i still wear simply because they gives me a sense of character. They call me 'the Professor', as a term of endearment here or the Artist but they treat me like I am their grandfather, most of the young adults who hang around to buy or sell drugs. I learned earlier on in life. that in respecting your self, your manners and appearance, the chances are you would be treated with respect and in treating others with an open heart and mind you will be treated the same. This is when you, "Ask and it shall be given." In giving your self unconditionally, the world gives back to you likewise; if you have doubts about this, put it to the test. Like try being a Dick and see how you will be responded.

"True life is not about what you have but who you are." - Mooji. 


Thursday, August 09, 2018

Whose way?

"Knocking at the door, it opens,
And I realize I was knocking from Inside." -  Rumi.

Sometimes when listening to Mooji Baba's Satsang is like listening to a shrink entertaining a group of whining ladies and over zealous wannabe truth seekers who like their predecessors made it to India and found themselves at the feet of a Guru. Most already knew their pwn answers before they even asked but the need to let it be known, the need to be able to say that they stood before the 'Rasta Man' himself has become a schick. With all due respect to the Great Man, and yes he is no doubt an awakened being who has been able to transcend this physical body mind realm, I say this with great respect for a teacher. This day and age we need teachers of the Mind and Body who can guide us through the thick and thin of our daily mental delusions and for this to happen we have to surrender ourselves to such beings no doubt but not grovel at their feet and keep on feeding them with our thoughts and emotions so they can 'cure' us; you pay good money to shrinks for that.

Am I being arrogant in my perception and it is really any of my business to make such observations? I often 'fast forward' all these whining and slobbering , questioners, thanks to You Tube Videos for beig able to do so. I am sure Mooji himself is much aware that his mind is being fed by these followers who came from all over the world to be at his feet and listen to him talk of how to get rid of the mental formations or the mind itself. It is the mind itself that is answering these questions and for every right insight and on the mark answer or solving an issue, Mooji's mind is tap dancing itself to the bank or yet to a larger audience. This is  common to most religious teachers and speakers as they are not unlike the science and history or art instructors, this is how they make their living; the more the merrier. Satguru Jagjit Vasudev, Eckhart Tolle and the now paralyzed and incoherent Ram Dass,  these are among the great names today that are on the roll when it comes to Spiritual Awakening. Deepak Chopra, Michio Kaku, are among those who have made it big in the Sciences and people like me ad you we are the followers and will always will be no matter how far or how near we are from the Truth of who we truly are. Our voices trickles down the drain into the sewer of life to merge with the Ocean of Consciousness that they are yapping about; that's okay too cause we need them to spread the word. 

If and I say if, i have to choose to be among my most revered Gurus or Spiritual Guides of this century, I would have to say, HH The Dalai Lama, J. Krishnamurti, Alan Watts, Shunryu Suzuki and Thich Nhat Hanh would be among them.However my spiritual teachers in my life were those that i grew up with both as a Buddhist and as a Muslim. I am most blessed to have had the opportunity to be mentored by a few of the most wise men in my younger days even as early as my childhood days. I may not remember the lessons the y had taught me but i remember what it felt like to be at their feet back then. I remember being well treated by the elderly Buddhist Monks from Sri Lanka who ran the Mahindarama Buddhist Community in Georgetown Penang, back in the early 1950s when I was a disciple of the Buddha learning the Pali Canon. Till this day i can still pray in the same language if and when i choose to. I had one of the most well read and well informed Muslim teacher who was also my Martial Arts Instructor when i was growing up as a teenager and he was also the Head of the Islamic religious Department of the State of Terengganu, where I spent my teenage years. Dose it make me a good Buddhist or Muslim? No, their teachings and guidance gave me plenty of food for thoughts and I became a 'truth seeker', for lack of better term. Having been exposed to both Buddhism and islam at an early age has opened my mind towards the freedom of seeking my own destiny, my own Way.    


Tuesday, August 07, 2018

The World needs Healing, we need Healing.

And how I love to get the hell out of here and be in the forest somewhere helping yet another village grow more organic food while I keep my body and mind healthy doing it. I made a commitment however to myself also to be by my daughter's side in these days when she still needs my moral and physical support and to the cat that I had adopted for her. In essence I am stuck fo a while in this situation which is really not too bad but still very constraining for one who loves to wander and soak in the outdoor especially the rustic life of the rural areas. I am beginning to find the City too negative to live in, it is manifesting too much negative vibes in the form of racial bigotry and lack of sensitivity towards each  other; in short is is becoming a dog eat dog life in the City. Perhaps i am the one being overly sensitive about it all, perhaps I should make greater effort towards looking within than without. Yes it is easier said than done as there is so much distraction that pulls the mind towards what is happening out there and nothing escapes the mind's eye to project upon and add on to what it sees.

This is an age old phenomena that everyone has to live with, the mind is here to be with us like our shadow, inescapable. I tried to understand this phenomena is every possible way that i can, through meditation, yoga, reading, listening to and prayers, but nothing can hold the mind back although a few can manage to slow it down to almost a moment of silence. The mind is one of God's gift to man that he may transcend the animal realm and become the Khalifah or Guardian of the phenomenal world, or so it is said. However how we have employed the mind or the mind has eluded us is, apparent in the outcome of the state of our existence that is deceased with Greed, Hate and Ignorance, how has this come to be. Where did we go wrong in our charge to keep this Planet a better place for those yet to come? Our legacy today is not a cause to be proud of, this so called life we have lived and are leaving behind is no a model of a life that our future generation can emulate and be proud of; it is deceased and we are the cancer virus that is causing this disease. 

Science and technology has helped us to understand and give us tools to work with and the philosophers and religious teachers are hammering at our door for us to wake up before it is too late. Sadly it seems we are sinking deeper and deeper into a state of unconsciousness, living our lives in limbo making believe what is impermanent and transient for that which is everlasting and eternal. We seem oblivious to our own self destruction as we inch our ways towards so called progress and material affluence, we pursue wealth and happiness in the form of money and creature comforts, such as fancy cars and exorbitant homes. We neglect to care for our environment often assuming that others will care for it instead. We rob and pillage what we can in the most clandestine ways we can just to stay ahead of others and call it success. We most of us have become so deeply corrupted in our ways that we often do not even recognize ourselves doing so...and we pray five time a day, we go to the church every Sunday and to the temples to cleanse our souls and listen Satsangs to better understand who we truly are.

The planet is heating up fast all over causing death tolls in some countries while a 7 point earthquake hit Indonesia for the second time in a a few days causing 80 odd people dead and so it goes with wildfires lighting up in many areas and flash floods causing damages to land and property; yet we are still living like a bunch of sheep sleep walking to the slaughter house. The latest in Chicago is that there has been shootings and killings of teenagers mostly that has reached worrying numbers and the Gaza Strip is still s hell hole of human suffering as with Syria and the rest of the insane world. Anything to do with me and you? Nope, we can pretend like all is well and that our lives goes on as it does day in day out so long as we steer away from getting involved. We are well prepared at living in denial, we only see life as we choose to see it and we hide what is negative and detrimental to our well being, so long as it happens elsewhere and to someone else.

The World needs healing, We need healing.

Thursday, August 02, 2018

Time Out.

If all of us could find something worthwhile to do in life and truly stay focused in its accomplishment, the world would be a better place, we would be pretty much minding our own business and not become a sucker for the external distractions.

No one demand that i do this except the man who gave me this 100 feet long piece of  heavy duty paper to paint as i please and so i did and since 2008 till today i still am working on it off and on like a piece of my unfinished  life.  This 100 ft. long painting depicts scenes in and around Georgetown, Penang, my hometown. It is done in mixed media but mostly acrylic and water color.

So why do I do this? Why spend so muc time and energy trying to fulfill a request by a friend who most probably has forgotten about it and me  ever since he gae this piece of paper to me? What else is there to do in life other than taking up challenges that may take you to  who knows where in time. Anyway it has been my meditational piece and comes out every no wan then when i feel the need to be creative.

His Kingdom of Heaven.

I asked my secondary school Islamic teacher once whether people like Mahatma Gandhi and Gautama Buddha goes to hell at the end of their lives. I got a nasty reply for asking such dumb question and cannot remember if he answered me or not. This is a favourite issue that is often raised  by non Muslims in many instances and the answer has always been that, if you die without having not said the Profess of Lailahaillallah, Muhammad Rasulullah or that there is no God, only Allah and that Muhammad is His Messenger, you will not enter Heaven. It has been a question i my have a whole lot of understanding to come to grip with. I do not doubt that God has the answer to this in one form or another as he is Omniscience and as is said to work in mysterious ways, but as a thinking man I needed to work the answer out for myself; some of my loved ones and families and friends are non Muslims while many so called Muslims that would rather not spend time with.

Ar Rahman is The Beneficent, Ar rahim is the Merciful, this is the Lord i surrender to as a Muslim and he is a Loving God and I am sure he extends His Love and Compassion to all who deserve it and so His wrath. I am positive that there are verses in the Quran and the Hadith on this matter of which I am not aware of. Personally, I believe that heaven and hell are already within us, at least in the mental and emotional levels; we experience pain and pleasure in everything we do through out our lives. What is hell but a place of suffering and so heaven a place of blissfulness. However most of us passes through life without being fully aware of these ups and down and most religions agrees that life is suffering, from the day we were conceived till the day we die. We are living in heaven and hell all the time switching from moment to moment as nothing is permanent, all things changes and we are never certain of when it all comes to an end; we live on borrowed time and the fear of death is always at the back of our minds.

It is my understanding that if you had lived your life well, you will move on to a higher life in your afterlife; you reap what you sow. How it will work out as far as who goes to heaven or to hell I leave  it up to The Creator to decide because it is beyond me as my mind is not capable of unravelling such delicate matters of the Soul. I know my soul will transcend all these and return to the Rightful Owner or Al Hak, He that blew the first breath of air into Adam. As a Muslim i understand as i was told form the Quran that, my soul and all souls have made a covenant with the Lord through acknowledging that he is the Creator, Lord of the Universe seen and unseen. That He is Omnipotent and Fair in Judgement as to right or wrong and that i have surrendered my will to His Will when i started my spiritual journey. I am merely an actor on the stage playing my role to the best of my ability in keeping my vows to Him. He is and has always been by my side closer than my jugular vein and without His Grace, I could not have taken one step forward on this journey.

As I have mentioned every so often in the past, I have taken a vow as a Buddhist called the Bodhisattva Vow and t is not a light commitment to have made. It is something i hold to be sacred in my life. I took the vow to serve all sentient beings I come into contact with while i am alive, at least alleviate their suffering the best way I know or can afford to do, as i am a servant of my Lord, I am serving Him through fulfilling this Bodhisattva vow of serving His creation. How well or how genuine I am in doing so is what i have to work on by my practices, my words thoughts and deeds in relation to others. Even if my hear tells me that it is all just and illusion and that I do not exist in reality, I still have to abide in being in the here and now to serve as a Bodhisattva; I am a Muslim Bodhisattva. I will remain true to my vows until there  is no more soul left crying in pain and suffering before i enter His Kingdom of Heaven.  



Wednesday, August 01, 2018

Ponder on these.

Although I have studied through reading, listening, contemplating and meditating as much a all the religions of the world, I have yet to fully realize the whole truth behind what i perceive. I am blessed to have had the opportunity to travel to many parts of the world in my lifetime and living among people whose lifestyle, thoughts and practices differ from mine, I see many similarities in most cases underlying their circumstances. We all wish for the same basic life that is peaceful and rewarding but we each and everyone of us are working our ways in our own quest to discover the same truth of who we truly are beyond what is. Most of us question the validity of what we experience daily and some of us doubt this validity with the feeling that there is a whole lot more than meets the eye. Are we living in a menagerie that is self created through eons of evolution of body mind and spirit or are we merely part and parcel of some big master plan that keeps us trapped in a dimensional time capsule by some higher intelligence?

Great Prophets and Saints, Enlightened Beings and Rishis had in the past left us with knowledge and wisdom about the nature of our existence and most has claimed that we are as a human specie living in a world of Maya or delusion and illusion and that it is our birthright to discover this for ourselves and attain towards liberation from this phenomenal realm. What does it mean to be liberated and from what? I know I have been asking this same question forever ever since i started asking and I am still not anywhere close to the truth. Given one life to live it has become my eternal quest to get to the bottom of this paramount issue about being alive. As a Muslim I can surrender it all to the Wisdom of the All Mighty, Wallahualam or God only knows. Perhaps as Christians one would say, The Lord works in mysterious ways, but as a thinking man I cannot merely accept what is fed to me by religions or belief and philosophies, I have to experience, feel and be awakened to the truth through every sense faculty I am endowed with, that is what my God given brain is for.

Science is inching closer towards unravelling the workings of the physical nature of things and manifesting the principles of how the human mind works and its connections to spirituality, but science is still groping in the dark of the nature of death and the afterlife. Science is as a matter of fact declaring the non existent of the physical world itself, you and me do not exist, at least not in the way we think we do and many sitting on the fence of spirituality and atheism are falling into this newly dug pit of uncertainty. Blessed are those who never question nor doubt? The answer cannot be found out there, it lies within each and every one of us and as such it is up tu us to seek deep within for the truth and not be swayed by all the influences that had been leading us towards our so called freedom from ignorance.

"Dont Run Away...Run Inward," - Rumi.

Learn to trust the matrix within you that has been embedded in you since the day you were conceived and not the external matrix that has been propagated to enshrine you in a gilded cage of ignorance. Nothing you see or that is that is created is permanent, only you are that which is ture and continues to evolve towards enlightenment. It is your inherent Birthright; it is that which you were created for.

The mind is everything. What you think you become.
We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.
Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, 
the truth...Gautama Buddha.


Tuesday, July 31, 2018

A Brief take on Death in Islam.

Two brothers whose job was to give the final ablution or bath to the dead according to Muslim ways in preparation for burial were themselves buried last Friday. They inherited their vocation handed down by their father and had been doing this most of their lives. They were in their fifties. The younger brother died sometime in the early morning and the elder brother washed his body to be buried that same morning and a littler in the evening the elder brother followed sooth and was buried the same evening. To die on a Friday is an auspicious sign for Muslims as Friday, like Sunday to the Christians, is a Holy day. These days preparation for the deceased is done at the Hospital if one dies at the hospital and if one dies at home than the deceased is taken care of by these religiously trained and equipped men and women. In islam, the deceased is put into the ground soonest possible unless there is a delay while waiting for family and relatives living far away to arrive and pay their last respects.

After the deceased is laid in the ground and covered over with earth, a religious imam or ustaz will performa short recitation of the verses from the Quran related the the event. At the end of the recitation the deceased will receive instructions of his or state of being dead and usually in Malay. That he is presently dead and in the realm of the grave or 'alam barzakh,'

Barzakh designates a place between hell and heaven, where the soul resides after death, and experiences his own heaven or hell, until the resurrection on Qiyamah (Judgement Day).[4] Barzakh may, according to Ghazali, also be the place for those, who go neither to hell or to heaven, resembling to the Christian concept of limbo.[5]"

He will be told of being 'interviewed' by two angels,
Munkar and Nakir (Arabic: منكر و نكير‎) (English translation: "The Denied and The Denier") in Islamic eschatology, are angels who test the faith of the dead in their graves.
and thus begins his journey in the afterlife.
Kiraman Katibin. In Islamic tradition the two kiraman katibin (Arabic: كراماً كاتبين‎ "honourable scribes"), are two angels called Raqib and Atid, believed by Muslims to record a person's actions. ... The Book in which the angels are writing is the cumulative record of a given person's deeds.
Hence it is imperative that a Muslim, upon death has to be aware of his faith in the All Mighty and if he is able to surrender himself reciting the article of faith such as,
Innalillahi wainnalillahi rojiun
"The Messenger of God said: 'When a child of the servant died, God says to the angels: "Have you taken the fruits of his work." They reply: "Yes." So He says: "What did My servant say?" They reply: "He praised you and mentioned that to You is the return." So God says: "Build a house in Paradise for My servant, and name it 'the house of praise.'" [Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1021, Book 10, Hadith 57] [4]
he would not face any difficulty while in the the realm of the grave. I believe that Islam has laid out a plan for life in this world and the next. It may seem complex, yet it is simple when fully understood. it is a matter of one's practice in life and the faith one holds in God's Grace and Deliverance that will see through when a man passes on from one dimension into another. It is a test of how well tuned is the mind is with regard to the transition between life and death. A weak mind or and ignorant mind will falter and ends up in a confused state not able to discern what it is going through and thus falls into delusions. Whereas a mind that has been well versed and knowledgeable will walk without doubt towards its final destination.   



Thursday, July 26, 2018

Where i came from there i will return.

After  reading and listening to so much different thoughts on mind and how to cope and live with it, I have come to the conclusion that the mind is like a lady, you can't live with her and you can't live without her. She is all you got and sometimes she can be too much to deal with. Don't get me wrong I adore women, perhaps too much and the cause of alot of my straying and transgressions, but all in all i am blessed to have known so many women in the most blissful ways. So with the women ans so with my mind, I am trying to make the truce with all these years of looking for answers, I am still lost for answers. I believe if the Good Lord does not want something to happen it would not and if he does it is for a reason and that reason is why I keep on writing as I can to set the matter of the mind straight; God's greatest gift to man is pure and unadulterated mind.

I believe the unadulterated mind was before Adam took a bite of the Apple in the Garden. By defying God's decree Adam was split into two, the Good and the Bad, the right and the wrong, the light and the dark; the Dual thinking mind. It got  worse as it went down to His children, Cain and Abel and the rest is ancient history or Biblical History. This is my limited understanding of the Genesis, it is a very crude and limited interpretation, but it is how i see it for now, how the mind i have today become what it is. It is like a split soul, a soul seeking to unite and become whole again. In the spirit of Yin and Yang, i need my counterpart to become well balanced in nature. However, I have been pretty much at loggerhead with my mind, pretty much the result of too much studying and listening to all the words of wisdom that I come across about my mind. 

Back at the Zen Monastery they are still asking questions like,"Who is asking? Who  wants to know?" and at the Tibetans are saying there is no such thing as 'Self', in fact the I is non existent. The Hindus are positive of the existence of the Atman, the ultimate soul, and they are all right in their own interpretations, it is up to me to make the final analysis and accept an understanding most conducive to own faith and belief. My soul is at stake and I have from the beginning of my journey accepted the fact that I am a servant of my Lord and Creator looking my way towards becoming one with Him, returning to my origination where I started from.

Innalillahi, wa innalillahi rojiun! 
From Him I come to Him T will return.   

At 8;30 this morning someone had posted a link 15 minutes Manifestation; the Editor? The balance between th right and left brain functions? Have i stumbled upon part of the answers to my questions? Hmmm.

"If the two makes peace with each other in the house, they will say to the mountain. " Move away!" and it will move away."
The Gospel of St. Thomas.

" Ask without hidden motives and be enveloped by your answer."
(Ask without the judgement, ask without the ego.).
"Be enveloped by what your desire."-
Hidden Teachings of the Bible - That explains Manifestation, Consciousness, & Oneness.

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

The first Step is the last..

How does one keep on getting motivated to write of paint or sing without giving up of feeling that it is all over, the end, no more to express and no new ideas or insights to share. Well one do not try to, motivation comes from doing something and as one keeps on ding it it becomes a motivation to do more and better, like a piece of art, you have to start doing it and the longer you put it off from starting the longer and harder you will find to create something. it does not matt really what it is that you have in mind to do but the moment your hand raise that paint brush or your finger touches the keyboard,, you are on your way as creative energy start to flow whenever there is conduit for it to do so. You can meditate and contemplate all you want but you have to make that initial move to act, to make things happen and with no hopes or expectations you just proceed to do so and the rest the mind will take over as the mind too is not happy not being able to be creative.

The key to healing one's body and mind it is said is in keep both in action or motion as much as possible and this is being studied and proven by neurologists and psychiatrists alike through the ages. The ind and body synchronicity is what keeps us in good health and spirit. No matter how bored or tired or fedup we are with our state of being, we can make a change by simply allowing for our body and mind to express itself in whatever form we are most comfortable with albeit art of music, gardening or hand gliding, it does not matter so long as it is done to keep the blood circulating better in the body and the mind occupied with whatever challenges tha arises from the activity, sometimes just taking a walk to nowhere can become a form of healing that is needed. Do not be afraid to leave your comfort zone and face what it is out there, this is one way to avoid your mind and body from atrophy.

  1. 1.
    (of body tissue or an organ) waste away, especially as a result of the degeneration of cells, or become vestigial during evolution.
    "the calf muscles will atrophy"
    synonyms:waste away, waste, become emaciated, withershrivel, shrivel up, shrink, become shrunken, dry up, decaywiltMore
  2. 2.
    gradually decline in effectiveness or vigour due to underuse or neglect.
    "the imagination can atrophy from lack of use"
    synonyms:peter out, taper off, tail off, dwindledeterioratedeclinewanefade, fade away, fade out, give in, give up, give way, crumbledisintegratecollapseslump, go downhill, draw to a close, subsideMore
As I witness a few of my peers, some younger than me passes away i asked for their reasons and most i discovered has practically given up on their body and mind maintenance especially the inner engineering as Satguru Jagjit calls it. Most has given in to the idea of growing old is about spending time in the quiet of the the home and the family or at the coffee shops and the mosques and temples; which is okay too. But growing old to me is more than just accepting what is coming at the end of our days, it is making every effort and last attempts at digging out and uprooting all there is within you and express it out especially if it is all worth sharing. The most inspiring video on YouTube I have watched related to this is an old Chinese man dancing alongside his daughter with so much fluidity and charm that it woke up in me the spirit to emulate such a soul in my late age. So I kept up with my Sitting meditation and yoga stretches, my staff or Gayong stick exercises and my writing, my cooking and my sketching whenever i get the chance to, which I do most of the time. The most difficult thing is what the question asked in the beginning, like, how does one find that motivation to do it, to make the start.

"The Journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step."
Lao Tzu. 

Sunday, July 22, 2018

When your past catches up with you.

 I woke up from one of the most vivid and heart rendering dream of my life as it affected my first love, my childhood love and perhaps is still till this day. I had many dreams of  our relationship and i always felt sadness and a sense of loss when the dream is over. This morning I dreamt of being caught hiding in her room by the entire family or so it seemed, more like Romeo and Juliet kind of situation we had between us back then. I was not good enough for her and one of the reasons give to my face was that i was not of pure Malay blood. Ironic it was that she too was not as she was an adopted child, and the family that adopted her had her by force from her real parents who were back then was influential and wealthy. Being one of the most beautiful young lady I had the impression that she would be married off to a wealthy person. Fate would have it that she remained unmarried till today.

Skipping all the details, when we finally broke off i told her that i would marry the first lady that agrees to be my wife and I did at the age of twenty five. We pretty much lost contact since then except for my occasional visit to her house on festive days or there be a death in their family out of respect and friendship. perhaps it is pride that keeps us apart or perhaps there are unseen hands at work to keep us seperated. This is why the dream i had this morning was so vivid and strange as it involved the entire family that i knew of from the youngest ot the oldest. We were caught together in her room by a child named Lilly, one of her nieces, who is today married to a Swiss gentleman. I used to carry her around when she was a child some fifty years ago. In the dream she was screaming that i was in the room, I was hiding practically under the bed. I could hold her small hand in mine trying to quiet her and even pinched her fingers to shut her up but she persisted which brought everyone into the room looking for me. Needless to say I was scared shitless as I saw legs of young adults massing around the bed. My girlfriend even tried to cover me up with the sheet hanging down from the bed but to no avail.

I gave up, in today's parlance I would have said .fuck this, and got up and dashed down a wide and tall stairway by sliding down the handrails as fast as I could. Than as I was trying to escape I was swiped off my feet by the patriarch of the family, her adopted mother. She was already old at the time and in the dream she was the same old lady everyone feared for many reasons. She grabbed a hold of me and wrapped her hands around my head with my face buried in her bosom and I was lying on top of her not able to move. Then I felt her blowing hot air on to the top of my head as she was reciting something to herself, uttering at times my child, my child, in Malay offcourse. One of the older sisters came to my feet and started stroking them saying comfort words that made me felt safe rather than scared. Voices standing by could be heard saying like theirs is an unconditional love and so forth and i felt sadness wrapped my being. I felt forgiven and I woke up with a pain in my heart and tears in my eyes to the morning or subuh prayer from the loud speaker of the State Mosque near my home.

I skipped allot of details to my dream as it is not worth sharing unless one knows the characters involved, but the gist of it is that my relationship to my childhood Love still haunts me big time anf my subconscious mind is telling me to resolve it as it is the key perhaps to my happiness after all these years. I often am caught in a melancholic episode and knows not why, sometimes i feel like this is the reason as my heart was once shattered and never got repaired. I prayed to the All Mighty after sitting up from my dream asking for forgiveness in this episode of my past and i also asked for guidence and help to make things right before i die. If possible i would like to be joined in matrimony with my childhood love so that we can become whole again even if we are now turning seventy. or is it just another dream within dreams?

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Stubborn old me!

There is a stubbornness in me that has always been the cause of my irrationality in the past and i used to have an explosive temper they say, my family relatives and friends. I was prone to being anger driven, I was a very angry young adult and it kept on into my later age. It got me into trouble every now and then but sometimes it also got me out of them. My weaknesses, my faults, my bad, I have had my fair share of the negative forces of my inner being that had cause grieve on the external relationships with others. I have committed many transgressions due to my inability to control my emotions. This i also regret for having allowed it to dominate my actions within and without. However I am also grateful for having had the opportunity to taste life form both sides of the divide, I feel blessed. by the Grace of the All Mighty that these experiences also helps to enrich my journey. I accept and acknowledge the fact that if I had been any different, my story would not be worth all the time spent on it. Stubborn as I am I am still abiding in the realm of consciousness that seeks itself, to merge with the All and become One with the Lord of Creations; this is my destination.

My journey has hardly began,  I am still groping in the dark seeking the help of others like me or better than I am, I am walking with my open heart towards the Throne of Consciousness Itself. My lower back still aches off and on and I still worry about my car dying out on me, same old same old, in the meantime. The cat is stuck on top of the awning grill and has problem getting down, one miss step she could end up twelve floors bellow, have been up there since last night, the drama continues. There are countless windows of experiences and projections that one can tap into at any given moment, they are like clouds that comes and goes, appear and disappear leaving no trace behind, these are what has been keeping us asleep accepting the illusion as the real. We crave for the ease and denies the hardship, we we are constantly comparing virtues one against another, I am more virtuous than you, I am more holier than than you; walk the path with caution stubborn or otherwise.

If you take a few dives along the way it is only to collect some manure for the compost pile, grist for the mill, litmus test of your inherent nature in coping with external vexations. You flare up, you get riled up you take a swing here and there!? What or how do you manage your emotions in times of dire need? Do you count one to ten or do you say Hail Marys, or do you simply takes it as it comes, observe and let it pass, let it all arises and simply watch with no attachment, psychologically or spiritually; let It reveals Itself. Patience is a very tough virtue to develop and meditation is one path the can lead to better understanding of the nature of your mind. Through meditation you reveal your innate nature, one that is sitting and facing your Divinity.  

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

It is about Life and Karma they say..

In one of my conversations with my Mind was while looking overlooking the whole panoramic view of a major pa out my window of Georgetown, stretching all the way to the sea and the hills to my right and the city enter to my right. I observed what my thoughts were as i watched, first though that came was, I cannot tell whether it is haze or rain in the distant anymore.. It is extra foggy out there this morning. I said to myself I hope that it is raining over there, rain is good, rain is purifying and even if it floods ever now and then it is part of the general purification, nature's wake up call to say," Hey! enough is enough! " As this was running through me i suddenly realized that I was being negative, or feeling negative energies creeping into the equation. I said out loud, to myself really,"Hey buddy why can't we quit this negativity, this craving for more pain and more inconveniences, what's wrong with projecting positive and colorful images, something worth sharing with the rest of the world?I was addressing my own Mind, I am talking to myself!" No answer.

Regrets? I will never forgive myself for not being able to sit by my wife's grave and tell her how sorry I am for having let her go with the children back to the United State to be taken care of by the American Medical Doctors as her mother had requested, and could not follow them because of the US Immigration policy back then. I regret having brought her and my children to a country that i thought was going to be our home. I regret having failed to accept the futility that had taken my wife's life. I regret that i had failed as a man in taking care of her needs within and without. I had left it up to the people and the environment to shape them, to be their teachers. I have the feeling that I have not done too bad with my adult children now and for the late wife, it is  a very long story and one best buried with her. I Love and Adore my wife in my own way one of the promises I made to her before she left for her mom was that, I would make the children grow up okay. I have tried to stop justifying my actions a long time ago, but every now and then it hits me like a ton of bricks from nowhere...WHAM! Hi, remember me? So where does this originate from Mind? What triggered it off? Why this now? Any significance the miss and anniversary or something? Thank you anyway! 

I guess anything goes and at any moment things change, the dramas change the episodes adds on, the mirror images pops up everywhere asking the same question, who am I? A vicious circle like the dog catching its tail, and this too is alright, at least having a better understanding and it makes it a little easier to carry on. What would I give to be complete oblivious to my pains and sorrows, what would i give to feel the sense of lightness of being, sense of peace and equanimity? Must i have to keep picking myself up from every stumble that I have made from my past actions? Karma! So this is it, it is all about Karmic consequences and I am long overdue to face mine. Lay it on me, tell me something that I don't already know, something that make it still worthwhile to look into this experiment we have about life. 

to be contd.    

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Rambling on...

"These three alone stands, Faith Hope and Love, but the greatest of these is Love"...Rumi. Was it Rumi, or was it Mooji, can't tell the difference anymore, too many people talking and saying things that is meant to wake you up and what you find is they are putting you to sleep even further. Like, here's a pillow and the remote control, just lay back and chill; tomorrow is another day and another dollar. The Way of the salary man, honorable and disciplined, one           upmanship, who could make better and corner the market,  The way of the sleep walkers filing along into cubicles like trained cockroaches and at the end of the day all file out and head for wife and kids and it is alright too cause that is just the way it is for all of us, we are stuck in a rut and we have to pry our way out of it and head on into something worthwhile to live for. Some higher ideal, some spiritual satisfaction, some realization of who or what one is in the scheme of things. How does I fit into all this and for what purpose?

I used to ask these questions time and again putting them in varied ways so as to see if any makes sense, like what is truth or reality or would Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theressa or the Dalai Lama for that matter go to a Muslim Hell when they die? Like why create the devil in the first place? Yes, questions that just about every man in his right mind would be asking and demanding an explanation simply his souls is on the line. The question of Hope and Faith and the question of Love and Compassion, it is all up there for those looking for answers, The blind will pass by this life with never a thought of such issues and they are the blessed for they are free from doubt and expectations. For those who had embark upon this journey of looking in and looking out, it will always be an ongoing quest for Right Understanding of the workings of Universe itself in relation to the workings of the Spirit or Soul. The essence of that which is the sustainer of it all, the Lord of Power, The Source, The
Infinite and Ultimate Consciousness Itself; call It by what name you may. I will always say this to myself because I believe a man is entitled to his faith and belief in life; this sacrosanct in the annals of man.

Yes I am and have always been asking the questions of Faith and religions, philosophical as well as scientific aspects of my life, to look for answer or answers to the basic reality about my existence, it is not a fad or a joke or an obsession or a way to gain attention, but it could be all of these too and then some. I have taken a hold of a burning ball of fire in my hands that is my 'koan' my 'jihad', my journey on this Planet. This is my way of making my pilgrimage towards the Throne of my Lord; I call it my Way. If praying five times a day is of help to me I would try ten a day and if i am in the mosque and it helps me i would camp in it. Perhaps i  am lazy, the worse of all illness to inflict man, then have committed a sin of being lazy towards carrying out my precepts. I pray for my salvation with every breath i take, yes I am aware of my shortcomings and at the very least learn to accept and ask for the Lord's Grace and Compassion. I am on my way home, I am my sacred path towards that from which I had come, the owner of it all, I am performing the final stages of my pilgrimage, I am winding down and like a coin spinning slowly before it drops; I am going home.  I would like to know why I was spinning around like this even if to find  a single truth just before i drop dead to the floor. Some may say this is naive foolishness or might as well be fishing instead of wasting time thinking so much, and this may be true too.
At my age i cannot to dwell too much anymore on the whys and the why nots, I am immersed into this journey and it is a big rut that i can only step out of by my own self realization.