When your past still haunts you - Rambling about doubts.

                                                                 Me and my Shadow

 What is my Higher Purpose? What am I here to achieve or accomplish before i depart, have I got a mandate to fulfill or am I obligated to complete a course of action that will benefit the whole, the world? How can I when I am still struggling to get my personal act together after all these years? These are tough questions questions that I have been confronted with ever since i set upon this journey of self discover as I am positive what most of like minded people do at some point in their lives. I have been making excuses and looked for justifications  for and against all these questions and I really have not found any concrete answers that i can rely upon to be the real and not just another illusive concept to set myself adrift again upon another trajectory and often I keep finding myself lost or adrift again with no sense of definite goal and this too I believe many are struggling with and most have given up trying. To live without have the least inclination of making an effort to find an answer to these simple yet hard to deal with questions is really not an option for all those who are awakened at the very least towards some spiritual calling in their lives.

Life to me is not all about survival alone, it is not about how much money you can make or how many cars and houses you own in one life time and to prove this I have my twin brother's life to reflect upon. and till this date I am not convinced nor impressed by how he has turned out to be. Many would jump to conclusion that I am envious of his wealth and well being; I am most definitely not in the least. As a matter of fact I wish he had been brought down a notch from his high pedestal of so called material wealth which makes his spiritual stance seem a fake or a show off. My twin brother I feel deep inside is a very angry and displaced man who from years of trying to reconcile with him for our childhood differences has revealed an unforgiving and hard hearted man by nature especially off course towards his nemesis, his twin brother. The fact that we were raised apart for the first twelve years of our childhood lives does not help much and is still a sore point to be content with. It was through no one's fault that this happened for no other reason than the fact that my family was living below the poverty line. Due to the same reason three of us were left behind to be raised by others with me being adopted by my uncle. In this case I was considered the most fortunate as I was raised by a good provider and my mother's younger sister, my late auntie who took care of my daily upbringing. My immediate family lived apart from the rest of the main family and thus I rarely saw or played with my twin brother growing up although later we attended the same primary school until the family moved to Terengganu on the East Coast where my eldest brother had a teaching job. I was left behind in Penang along with two elder brothers, one adopted by a Malay family while the other by a Chines family. These were my second and third eldest brothers whose lives needless to say was not easy. 

I have written my family life growing up on many occasion in this Blog and I am still dealing with the very same issues today, this morning. Why? It is simply because when I woke up this morning and  making all effort o be cheerful and happy while doing the dishes I am still brought down by the thought of how I have drifted away from my twin brother and how toxic our relationship has become and and worse of all how sad I feel despite how comfortable my life has been these last few years living with my two children. It is like having a carcass of an albatross hanging around my neck that lets off a bad stench which every now and then over powers my predisposition or my well being. I have a feeling that until I have good sense of reconciliation with my entire siblings I will never find the peace that i seek. It's like the devil has a hold on me through my family history and no amount of spiritual practice is going to heal this state of affairs, it seems we are destined to take our guilts and shame to the grave with us. Primarily I feel my in laws has been a catalyst to our descension as siblings and I hold it to their doing that has turned us against each other and this I will testify if and when I stand before my Lord in the after life. I have wanted to lay this on the line for a very long time but held back simply because I have been accused of 'looking for someone to blame.' Now I am letting the worms out of the can and these worms have been festering me for most of my life but I have kept them inside because of not wanting to hurt my siblings' feelings. However two of my eldest brothers have passed away and I was closest to them when they were alive and understood pretty much of their struggles. These were the two that grew up estranged from the family, raised by strangers and even their wives had axes to grind for one reason or another.

I love my brothers and sisters and I feel very sad that in their old age they rarely sit at the same table and talk of their lives, to forgive and forget and to unite as a family unit that has survived life's trials and tribulations before we all exit this life. I feel that this will never happen, not in this lifetime as the narrative of our family line has been commandeered by the In Laws. I am the youngest and as such I am not suppose to raise any issues where the family is concerned especially when I have lived abroad a good part of my life and my lifestyle is not a good model to be emulated, but i have been a witness with a deep conscience knowingly or otherwise over the years and I have seen how my brothers especially my eldest and twin brothers have been cowed by their wives to the point of dismissing our immediate family as irrelevant and this is what has been keeping me awake most of my life. Every time I visited Terengganu I had to drop in and say halo to my siblings like it or not as it is mandatory by the laws of Islam which says never to sever the blood ties among one's siblings. There were times when my elder sisters would urge me to pay a visit to my brothers and against my will I would. Many a times too when I do visit my brothers they viewed it as looking for a handout and often my visit with then end up in animosity or a fake show of love between siblings. I am as good as a stranger with their children or worse as I don't have any idea who is who anymore. it is sad that children were being influenced to pass judgement over their adult because the parents do not see eye to eye; this is growing up as good Muslims?

If I seem aggressive in my assessment of my family situation especially towards my in laws it is only because I have to face my own demons from within me. I am not the most congenial person when it comes to my relationship with others, especially those closest to me. I have most of the time being shut off and distanced for my intrusive demeanor and my straight forwardness when in conversation. I like to let my thoughts be expressed regardless of the consequences which often causes me this rift with others. I am far from perfect in character and most in need of being silenced in my opinion than allowed to discuss family matters. However I am writing as i mentioned earlier only because these are the matters that have haunted me my whole life and may the Lord forgive me for my regurgitating these thoughts so as to release the pressure that threatens to cause an implosion from within; this is after all the purpose of keeping an ongoing journal is it not? So why am I justifying to myself on why I am letting out my personal feelings of my family? I do not intend to judge or be judged but merely relating what is in my heart and mind and if by chance someone reads these thoughts and feelings and feel that I have transgressed against any of them, well I welcome the interaction. I welcome any accusation or chastisement if it helps me to understand better of my own errors and perceptions. I have stopped apologizing for how i feel at this day and age and it is not my intention to stir any form of animosity or raise any ire on account of how i feel but I am simply liberating my soul from the bonds of ignorance that have plagued me about my family. 

My older siblings were all highly intelligent people with their own gifted qualities of which not many outsiders have especially not among the people they were married have, and this is why they were married into these families. I say this with commitment and pride and not because of any form of comparison or lowering the dignity of those they married; as always the Devil is in the details where this is concern. As I have mentioned somewhere in the past, my Mother was born of a royal bloodline from Deli, in Sumatra, Indonesia as so was my Grandmother and my Grandfather was a Bonafede Artist a close friend and confidant of the Sultan in Medan, we are descended from two highly respected clans not just any common folks. Our genes are sliced with two highly cultured bloodlines and I know my siblings would rather bury these facts with them, I am not them. I would like to let it be known that the intelligence and beauty that is apparent in the children and grand children of my Grandparents were not accidental. I have been to Medan and looked into the truth of he matter and so did my uncle and we have proven the authenticity of these claims but on his advice I chose to remain silent on the matter; again the Devil is there in the details and the details is best buried or so it seems. In a letter written to me from my eldest brother to inform me of my father's death, he said that with the passing of our father the Ceylonese bloodline of the family is buried for good. Perhaps he had suffered the most in life due to my father's errors and weaknesses and thus it was why he made the claim; my father was a drunk his entire life that we knew as so was my Grandfather. They were both however great Master craftsman and artists and to me most importantly they were true to their wives till the end of their lives.

                                                                 Me and my Shadow!
            

       

What does the Date 12/12/24 have in store for you and me?

 12/12/24

An auspicious date? 

Angel Number 1212 paints a mosaic of experiences, each piece representing a unique facet of life’s journey. This number, often associated with spiritual awakening and growth, finds its narrative enriched by these numbers:

• Angel Number 3939 – Inspiring Creative Freedom: It inspires creative freedom, encouraging the exploration of new ideas and expressions.
• Angel Number 848 – Encouraging Material and Spiritual Balance: This number encourages a balance between material and spiritual realms, seeking harmony in all aspects of life.
• Angel Number 2121 – Fostering Self-Realization: It fosters self-realization, guiding towards a deeper understanding of one’s true nature and purpose.
• Angel Number 855 – Symbolizing Emotional Equilibrium: This number symbolizes emotional equilibrium, promoting peace and stability within.  -Goddes Gift.
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• The Painting on the 12/12/08

One of my habit while driving is to observe all the number plates on cars ahead of me especially at traffic lights. The significance of numbers or a set of number has always intrigued me for some reason that I never pursued to find the answer to until this morning when I stumbled upon a YouTube post by 'Eye of Wisdom -  CAUTION The 12/12 Portal is Activating which was posted One day ago it said. It caught my interest and I listened to it with deep attention for some unexplainable reason. It would have never occurred to me that I am witnessing a unique date in time of the Universe that will not happen again and to find it at this moment when it just turned 0ne in the morning was quite a surprise least to say. Then i did a little search of the significance of this date and came upon the above post by the 'Goddess Gift' link with information about numbers and their spiritual significance, what a coincidence! 

"Biggest Spiritual breakthrough of the year. If you have been waiting for a sign, this is it. The 12/12 Portal is not some vague energy shift or over hyped spiritual event. It's the Moment. A doorway into alignment with the universe master plan crafted specifically for next year. ..it is a once in a lifetime opportunity to step into your true purpose. A rare energetic window created for the attuned....the 12/12 Portal will affect everyone in one way or another. The question is: will you harness it, or let it pass you by."...

"The 12/12 Portal is opening marking the final energetic of 2024 for the Chosen Ones. This Powerful Alignment is a Gateway to spiritual ascension, higher vibrational shifts, and profound clarity." from the YouTube post by 'Eye of Wisdom'

Time to let go of the load.

So what does this auspicious date has in store for me? It is almost 4am. and I have been listening to the recitation of the verses from the Quran and before this I was listening to an 8 hour long Brain Hemisphere Synchronization Track in Delta Phase Patterns via the high quality earphones until my ears were numbed. What do I hope to gain from all these 'crazy' acts that would seem to most people a major waste of time. Perhaps as I am writing all these down is one of the reasons as i every so often maintained, if nothing else I might add that I have improved on my writing skill, for what? Who cares what for! Personally it is for self satisfaction, the realization that I have accomplished what i had set out to do for no apparent reason other than to help heal my body, mind and soul ; which I call self discovery or in getting to know who or what i truly am and how i fit in the scheme of things. Perhaps there in my heart there is a hope of achieving some form of higher self realization or even self liberation but all these are perceptions and they only lead to more questions than answers. However what else is there to keep this mind from becoming scattered more so than it already is or worse, the mind becoming stagnant and decadent and before you know it senility sets in.

Whatever the outcome of this 12/12 Portal phenomena has to offer me I will never know except keep on doing what I have been doing with a more genuine and sincere determination so as not to miss the boat if and when it passes by. Deep in me I can feel that things have been stirring more so than ever and small miracles are manifesting more so than ever and the feeling of lightness of being seems more prevalent than the feeling of gravity and heaviness of the spirit. I am grateful to the Lord of the Universe for all these blessings and though I am far from being perfect I am close to being at peace with myself as I am able to find the compassion to forgive myself and to forgive others. I have no doubt anymore of where my faith lies and am happy to embrace fully my faith in the Lord, Allah Subhnahu Wa Ta'ala. I doubt that this makes me a good Muslim but it is a good beginning, I feel. 

Change is coming, Change is Good.

 I have been barred from making any comments on YouTube videos, at least this is what I feel. Perhaps its just a glitch that i am not able to write my comments or perhaps i had made comments that was against YouTube guidelines, whatever it may be I am not fazed by it as I am on the way trying to make myself free from the use of the Internet which has become th most addictive tool I have to drop from my consciousness. One of these days Google might stop me from Blogging for one reason or another too and that too is alright as I am having difficulty letting go of this what has become habitual and further more I am approaching the end of my journey or journal writing. Over twenty years of writing my thoughts down for better or worse and I am now at the end of sharing whatever is worth sharing with those who have taken the time to read this Blog. I need to change and change seems hard to happen when I am glued to something that I have become addicted to or attached to. I am fixed upon trying to make that One million hits or reads and this has become and egotistical endeavor to proof to myself that i can do something worthwhile in this life. The original intention was not to achieve number of readers or how much money it can generate, the original intention was to make sense of of my life following the advice of many psychiatrist that journal writing is a good way for self discovery and self healing. But now as in my last entry i find myself becoming involved into the politics of the world which I find is beyond my control or has any impact upon my course.

I have no wish to reveal my thoughts beyond what is necessary to the topic of my intention which is to unravel all that cause and effects of my life from my childhood till today and i have pretty much done this. It is now time to move on toa new and more challenging expedition while I still can in this physical realm. If i do not and i keep on writing as I am doing now i will not find any growth in my spiritual state as it has become stagnant this search for the truth whatever it entails. I have been able to trim most of my relationships with others including my family, relatives and friends and not in any negative way as I will always keep that string unbroken and the status quo stays intact. I am merely detached from being too involved with most of these people in my life but am still in touch with them on a different level, a level that is less intimate than what used to be. I have touched their lives and they mine in more than one way albeit that we have become interdependent upon each other in times of need or otherwise. It is also in this light that I am going to remove myself from the attachment to this media services such as YouTube, and the the Rest of the Internet, it would like moving to the forest life again with a 'Safety' Net rather than the Internet. It will be a tough route to take at my age but what is there to loose after having gained so much from this life and what more can I ask for other than keep on living life to the utmost limit of what it has to offer me.

I have worn to serve or live a life of servitude, instead of living life for myself I live for others. I have tried to ease the burden, cheered the downtrodden, encourage those in need of comfort and  have given as much as I can afford in charity; this is in keeping with the vows I had taken to live the life of a Bodhisattva or as a Muslim, the absolute servant of my Lord. It is with the hope that i can change to a higher level of servitude with the capping of all that I have learned and experienced thus far and moving to a new and wider horizon is just my way of instigating or generating a more in depth knowledge of who I am and what I am capable of before the curtain is dropped. I am grateful to my Lord for having given e the opportunity to taste the best and the worse this life has to offer and still blessed me with many good opportunities that lies ahead of my remaining years. As the world at large is slowly embroiling into a catastrophic turmoil it is time to seek the rudimentary of what life has to offer, like to learn to grow my own food, catch my own fish and face the Nuclear aftermath with calm and tranquility. Having experienced as a homeless man on the streets of San Francisco and eaten at the most expensive restaurant in Dubai; I am ready for what lies ahead.

                                                      A Painting that has gone Missing.

   

Rambling Of America and Trump.

 Donald Trump has won the election and it is scary. Trump is a bully of the small people even though he comes up as championing their cause. At the International level Trump's second coming will spell a tremendous stir in the course of peace and security for most countries especially those hat have joined the Brics alliances. This move to upset the US currency from being used as a monetary choice of exchange in International trade is a direct challenge to Trump and his would be administration; it a major hit on Trump's ego especially now as a world leader. American hegemony is coming to an end as countries all over the free world are drifting away from looking to the US to lead. The on going drama materializing in the United Nations with the was in Ukraine and the Occupation in Palestine has left the US in dilemma and in the eyes of most member countries the US have become a liable to the world peace. The Biden administration has been accused of being complicit in the Palestinian genocide being carried out by the rouge state of Israel. As Israel becomes a pariah state in the eyes of the world community America follows sooth and this is one of the major scenario that the Trump administration has to handle in its foreign relation policies. The US has crossed the line when it comes to being a contributor towards the genocide happening in Gaza and there is no turning back even if the US allow for food and various other aids into Gaza, which it cannot because Israel is not a willing dog as it used to be; the tail is now wagging the dog and the dog simply does not acknowledge it.

Trump is a champion for all the major global enterprises from the arms manufacturers to the pharmaceuticals, from the killers to the healers from the energy industries to the agricultural productions and god knows what else that holds the world economy in a strangle hold, but he would be the first to deny this put on an impression of battling these mega demons for the man on the street. It is very sad and pathetic indeed to see Americans succumb to such a grand manipulator with a criminal track record and dubious past to run the most powerful country in the world. It is as though Americans have stopped using their brains and are to doped up to even care to admit that what they have allowed to happen to their country is short of  blasphemy, an insult to their intelligence. All I can say is that America needs a miracle and it needs a wake up call of the Divine Nature! The US is about to implode. I have long felt it in me that any form of disaster that would happen to the US would ultimately be of its own making, it will most probably be a revolution if not a civil war that will tear the Nation asunder and it is slowly building up towards making it happen. This is karma, it is a collective karma that has evolved from the curse of millions victims of genocide of the Native people and slavery of the Blacks and now to arrogance of power to dominate. Greed. Hate and Ignorance, the three illnesses that has plagued man since the beginning of civilization, has now come into fruition and the US will suffer the outcome of its collective blindness and disregard for the well being of the Planet and its inhabitant while in the pursuit of a hegemony over others.

The US has not only thrown Care and caution to the wind it has thrown out Love and Compassion along with it. if one follow and listen to the speeches made by the two candidates running for the presidency one would not find a single mention of Love and Compassion uttered; "it is a real dog eat dog world we are living in Master Jack, and you know how i feel if I never come back, it's a bloody strange world we're living in master Jack! I have lived for 21 years in the US, married and had two children born in  San Francisco, California and when I express my thoughts of the US it is through experience and observations and need I say that I love the country and the people without a doubt and why the more i feel sorry for what is happening to the country and the people. A country where Christianity has taken deep roots in the hearts and mind of the people and Buddhism and Islam is growing in influence among many, yet spirituality is being oppressed by the growing scientific and technological that imposes new and challenging norms and ideas that often derails any spiritual faith in the hearts of man. In a country where just about every Tom Dick and Mary is an expert on religious and spiritual issues, Americans I found are lost, drifting in their own self propagated sea of illusions and delusions. Homelessness, addictions, domestic violence, racial conflicts and intolerance, these are but a few of the emergence of the sores that hides deeper and more infectious rot within. Christianity has lost its sanctity over the People of the US as even the churches and its administer are found corrupted and lost forfeiting their so called divinity to the Devil. The true believers are desperate today, so desperate that they are beginning to see Christ and Angels floating down from the skies all over the country thank to the Internet I got to see these too for real or not. Perhaps this is a mass hysteria or a collective consciousness screaming for salvation from on High. WallahuAlam, only He knows.

I was around when John F. Kennedy was President and even when I was a mere teenager living on the East Coast of the Malay Peninsula, I was touched by his greatness through several of my high school teachers who were American Peace Corp Volunteers. Till today I still feel that the Peace Corp was the most positive and beneficial gift America had to the rest of the world. These were the true ambassadors that helped to put America on the world map as a leading Nation; too bad they had to snuff him out when he could truly have made America Great! Trump and the rest of them who came after Kennedy would never come close to the light that Kennedy had shown as a President. The evil that had put him to the grave is the curse that the rest of the American Presidents will bear as this is their ultimate karmic consequence for snuffing out the a true torch bearer or Freedom and Liberty that was loved and respected by the rest of Humanity; may He Rest in Peace, InshaAllah!

Today Americans are complicit, guilty and responsible for every single child's life that is being extinguished in Gaza! There is not denial and even the blind can see this tragic truth and what a karma the nation is manufacturing for itself. To a degree the rest of humanity is complicit too myself included and I know I have to answer before my Lord for this travesty when I finally face Him, InshaAllah! Pontius Pilot washed his hands of the sin of Christ's crucifixion, but we as a member of the human race will not allowed to do so for we stood and watched and lifted not a finger nor a voice of protest. To those who marched the streets and braved the so called law keepers all over the world, I raise my hat to you and may your fight and prayers reach the All Mighty that He may intervene in the name of Peace and Justice for all. For those who carry out the genocide and other miseries that is happening all over the world I pray that you will outlive us all so you can enjoy the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust. 

I rest My case.       

Rambling on about what is and what could have been.

 What motivates me to become a blogger is the need to tell my stories, my experiences, my trials and tribulations as I walk this life from the beginning to the end. It is the need to make sense out of all the non-sense that i have encountered and subjected to asking myself why or what it is that i am expected to learn or benefit from these experiences and if they are worth it all. My stories are what defines me of who I am or  who I am not, they are the record of every step I have taken and every challenges I have met, they also define my character, my strength, and my  resilient, my weaknesses and my bad habits, the things I could have avoided and those that I could have fostered. It has been almost fifty since i first decided to keep an ongoing journal which was in the beginning in the form of an art-journal which I did while I was doing my 'Independent Studies' for my studies at the University of Wisconsin at Green Bay. It was in 1978 and it was the first of my trips leaving the campus to fulfill my curriculum which involves doing my Art while on the road. This too has become a repetitious old story so I will not dwell on it any further. It was out of the trip to England and keeping a record of my trip as part of the course study that I got the idea to keep an ongoing sketchbook journal which I did and perhaps still am doing except for the advent of the Blogging and the Internet the sketchbook has been phased out.

                                                     The Journey of a thousand miles...

According to the latest data/stats the Blog has 813803 hits or reads thus far which really not that impressive considering the length of time that is involved and the number of posts that has been posted 2702 since the Blog was first started which was sometime in 2005. If the stats were to be accurate the Blog has a good flow of readers who seemed to follow what i write and if in the process these individuals were to learn from it a thing or two that would help them find their way, or shed some light upon their life, I am happy that I have achieved what i intended as an Artist/Blogger/a Spiritual Seeker and then some. I can safely look back and say that I have not wasted my life and it has been quite roller coaster of a life with a whole lot of ups and down. Not that it is any different from the rest of humanity as most of us will declare our lives to have the same characteristics when we relate our stories especially that of our past, like how we got to be where and who we are today. In more than one way I am blessed for at my age I am living in comfort relatively speaking, it is mostly the charitable gift of my children that i survive. As such I make it a practice not to waste my time and make hay while the sun still shines. Thus I cook, I wash, I clean, I shop, I am the uber or grab driver and make sure that things happen as they should without too much strain and at the same time make a contribution towards the betterment of Whole.

                                                   The Concierge at eh St. Peter's Hotel.

'I am the Whole, Complete and Perfect I am Strong and Powerful, Loving and Compassionate, Harmonious and Happy and I can do what I will to do, InshaAllah, so help me Lord. This has been my principle, my confirmation, my affirmation for many years ever since I discovered of it in the first book of philosophy I ever read and it was called, "The Master Key." I was introduced to the book when i was in my early twenties and took it with me to the USA when I was twenty five. I have tried to live by these principles ever since and it has helped to remind me of who I am. The Practice also is intended to reenforce my self esteem that had suffered tremendously while growing up and help to heal my anger tendencies resulting from being subjected to toxic environment and circumstances especially during my childhood years. I must say that of late i do feel the benefit of these meager practices taking positive effect upon me in my daily life. I am less to rush in and destroy or attack and i find myself often taking a step back from confrontations. I even find myself putting up a front of surrender and acceptance when in the face of adversary nullifying a potential confrontational situation with a Asalamualaikum or peace be with you, often done involuntarily and it would even surprise me pleasantly within. These are the small almost insignificant manifestations that has been happening in my life of late and I feel more lighter in mind body and spirit.

                                            Nino Soprano the Pianist at St. Peter's Hotel, Rome.

I am approaching the final phase of my journey and that is how to face death. It would be a lie to say that i am not afraid of death; I am. This is because I have allowed myself to be delusional when the subject of death arises and the Internet is full of horror stories and images persuading me what it would or might be like according to various faiths and religious practices. In the subject of death, ignorance is bliss, it is better not to know then knowing what is or might not be true and fear will always be the key. Most of us fear death as it is inevitable it takes the foremost attention whether we know it or not. Perhaps it is a morbid practice to pay too much attention to the nature of death but not having a clue as to what transpires at the end of your days is not an option if one is a truth seeker or a true believer. Personally, I take the study of what death is as a way to stay alive and keep my mind young and vigorously active in trying to solve the ultimate mystery of death and longevity; the elixir of life is within me and it is up to me to activate it and make it work if i choose to live a long and healthy life. The elixir is in the small details on how I live my life and to what purpose I wish to keep myself alive for a longer duration than is necessary; what have I got to give in return for the extra bonus time that is being blessed upon me.

                                               The Way Seeker at the Colosseum in Rome 

So, what truly motivates me to be a Blogger, a word that had no meaning before the advent of the Internet, What make me want to keep an ongoing journal of my life? Have I wasted a whole lot of precious time when I could have been doing something else more lucrative and productive?? I have no answers as to the reason but i know deep within that this Blogging has saved me from a whole lot more confusion and chaos in my life. Perhaps I may never come to realize my true nature or if there is even such a thing as my true nature, perhaps like all lese I am merely killing time while waiting for the end game. I do not truly understand but I do have an inkling as to what if I had not made the effort to keep this ongoing journal, where i would be today with the load of crap I have been carrying with me from day one of my existence on this planet. Life and death, hey walk hand in hand like me and my shadow, what is more pressing than getting to know how i would end and why i was alive in the first place?

                                                                  When in Rome!

    

  

Early Christmas Buffet Lunch with the Boys at E@O Hotel.

                                  Ben Ronjen, Eric Taylor and yours Truly hanging out at the bar.
 The Hotel’s restaurants and bar—Sarkies, 1885 and Farquhar Bar—have a celebrated reputation for serving an extensive menu ranging from Penang’s local delicacies to European fine dining.

                 Acting like debonairness for posterity, You don't need to be one but you can act like one. 

                It seems to be destined that my First Christmas tree picture will be at the E@O

                      In the distant horizon one can see a Pleasure Cruise vessel passing by. A rare sight. 

But it was not until the opening of the Suez Canal in 1869 and the arrival of the steamship, that travel to Asia assumed unprecedented style and luxury. Writers, actors, playwrights, the rich and the titled, bored with Europe and America, looked to the exotic East to satisfy their wanderlust. Suddenly, there was a new breed of travelers – the globetrotters.

Established by the famed Sarkies Brothers in 1885, whose architectural landmarks also include the Raffles Hotel in Singapore, the Eastern & Oriental (E&O) Hotel in Penang island is the only hotel in the heart of the George Town UNESCO World Heritage Site that possesses prime sea frontage. Over its century-and-a-quarter history, the E&O Hotel has played host to some of the world’s most celebrated artists, writers and heads of state.

 

Come what come, happen what happen...Me and my Shadow.

                                    It's a Bloody strange world we're living in master Jack!

All that is needed is for the sound system not to function on the PC and i am thrown into a loop, my anger starts to raise its head and I am sitting here wondering if this cycle would ever end, this mini grievances would not pull me down. I am even trying to write about it like it helps. Perhaps it is what is needed at the moment or i can go lie down and listen to Quran recited on my Tablet. But it should not be that on account of my son telling me he is too busy to fix the sound I am thrown out of my track, no not going to happen, I am through with falling victim to my ego not being able to handle minor irritations without getting all bunched up inside. No Sir, I am going to keep on writing as thought this is the last moment of my discredit existence. Hoe weak can one be after seventy odd years still not able to say fuck it! Don't need it! I am sick and tired of listening to the Rape on Gaza and how terribly insane and corrupted the American Government has become, and why the war in Ukraine must come to and end and how many are facing death in the Sudan and Yemen comes winter. So I cannot listen, what am I missing? Sometimes I listen so much to what is being fed into the Media on the Internet, I am beginning to miss listening to me thinking to myself. At the same time I put so much faith into what is sold out there that I have no faith in myself. I am lost and drifting every moment I am faced with a challenge, sometimes so simple and irrelevant, and it triggers in me the negative energy that sends all sense of creativity and fun and excitement into the closet and it is war! I know it makes little sense but how else does one makes sense out of every non-sense, make what is unreal into the real? Only by expression can one expose these minor irritations, the petty tyrants that think they have you under their thump, or so it seems as nothing, at the end of the day is real, nothing that is transience is real, and we are existing in a holographic manifestations of our own collective minds and this has been confirmed by the ancient religions and modern science and i personally do not need any confirmation other than I already have tasted and experienced and still in the process perhaps till the day I die.

There is no way that i can totally become free from my incessant thinking, the monkey mind will not allow it and there is  a battle raging out there that is causing so much stir in the Universe and among the Chelatases within; mu mind refuses to make believe that all is good with the world and with myself. No, for so log as i am breathing in and out I am bound to be seeking ways and means to bring my mind to a silence, to be detached from the influences of what is out there to what is within and one of the ways I have set myself in practice is writing it all down as it happens; thanks to Blogger and the Internet i am able to keep this on for as long I have the computer to play with. The many hour I have spent on writing this Blog entries is how long I have been able to detach myself from making too many mistakes and making poor choices or crying over spilled milk and feeling a victim of all circumstances. My self affirmation practice includes; I Am Whole. Perfect and Complete, Strong and Powerful, Loving and Compassionate, Harmonious and happy! and I can Do What i Will to Do. Kun Faya Kun! InshaAllah. How I wish that I can attain to that level of becoming who I truly am; like Al Insan Kamil or the Perfect Man.

                                                     Nothing like a plateful of Lambchops!

One can only dream of becoming free from all these so called mental formations in the physical realm, this realm of Maya, or illusion where nothing is Real and everything seems real. One pick and choose, make the choices for what is positive and detach from the negative, trying to practice being good and rejecting the not so good. I am a conditioned being and this conditioning has been with me since I was in my mother's womb sharing the space with my twin brother who till this day we can never see eye to eye. Can you imagine my story? Can you see what i had to face throughout my life from the moment i was given up for adoption while my parents kept my twin? Perhaps I am looking for someone or something to lay the blame on; am I? I was raised a Buddhist while the rest of my family and relatives were Muslims all living under the same roof. What i see today is that i survived, I have crawled my way out of the conditioning as best i could and live to write about it! It's all about me and my shadow, shadow of the past present and future.

                                               When you're free from your minor hang-ups

Rambling for the sake of rambling.

 When you wake up in the morning, what do you feel? What goes through your mind, asking myself, and I always noticed that I would sit almost bent over observing the aches and pains all over me and usually followed by a stream of thoughts mostly depressing and negative, the things I need to do, that choices I have to make, then followed by the anger and the denial, the refusal and the rebellion, then comes the regret, the remorse and the realization that it is not the good way to wake up; Astarghfirullah...forgive me my Lor and this silent Zikr slowly lead to the short verses and the rest of the morning came and went...oh what a feeling, to be humbled and to be free from caring too much and getting lost in the caring like drifting in a limbo. Setting myself a morning routine now, i realize was a wise decision. I normally would sit for a while clearing my head of the night's episodes in my dreams and aligning myself with the energy circulating within my body, and setting my bone structures in line with flow of the energy and I accomplish this through Pranayama or gentle breathing techniques and I call it gentle because that is my personal style; I try not to force my breath, I let my breathing happen with the least intervention from me as possible. After having sat for a few minutes and gathered my body together I get off and follow my cat which has been sitting patiently for me to get off my Ass and feed her. Which I would keep ignoring until I have done the rest of my chores, and by then she would have given up harassing me, and by then she would be good and angry and hungry, and she would eat what I fed her and when.

                                   You are my Girl! Yes, You Are! You are the pain in the Butt!

Having a routine and a pet helps a bit more in keeping one's attention from flying all over for no good reason other than triggers and stimuli that pop in and out of your mind to keep you glued to the bed. The question remains: what is my intention, my goal, my destination? How do I get home? How do I find the ultimate Peace and Joy that is more permanent and divinely inspired? As I grow older, I find myself looking more deeply within for answers to questions that I have asked since the beginning of my so-called Spiritual Quest, my Journey, my Path, my passage home. I have been blessed/cursed, depending upon how and who is looking at it, from what angle and perspective, which phase and what levels, that I am aware of what I have been through thus far in my life. For he past 75 years I have lived my life in anger, in pain and sorrow, in doubts and transgressions, on the other hand I have also taken up the Practices that Wisdom has to offer, Love has to offer, and being Who I am truly has to offer in the effort to create a balance between Light and Darkness in my Original Nature/ Consciousness. I took the practice of Unconditional Love, I may not attain perfection, but I am making every effort to achieve this Highest Virtue towards attaining Enlightenment.

So I ask myself, why am I so hung up on being enlightened? What is this concept, to be enlightened? It is primarily a Buddhist concept originally inspired by Hindu concepts of Moksha, Samadhi, and so forth, simply meaning to be liberated and free from suffering, in this life and in the hereafter. Many people ask, they don't ask me personally, but they ask the Gurus and Rishis on YouTube and various other podcasts, what happens when one attains Enlightenment, Moksha, Samadhi or Nirvana. Does that put me a whole different state of consciousness, a kind of higher state? In answer to this question, I am always reminded of the Zen saying, "Before Enlightenment, fetch wood carry water. After enlightenment fetch wood carry water." or Nothing Special. I believe Awakening is a natural happening to almost everyone with a brain or mind, it is part and parcel of being alive and not just alive but consciously and fully aware of being alive. It is being present completely in the Here and Now and supplicating your soul to the Divine in you, to that which makes the call and decisions on your behalf from what is being predestined by the covenant you have made with your Maker before you were conceived by your parents.

                              At least a third of this bag or rice I feed the pigeons every morning. 

I used to be one of those who called all these spiritual nuances humbug! A load of mind control and source of mental bondage and conditioning; I was at one time a true non-believer, I pointed my middle finger at God when I was angry, and would cry out that I did not ask to be here or being born. I was young then and a very angry young man out to screw the world looking for faults and damaging myself and others in the process. " I was lost, and now I am found," as the scripture reads. It is Amazing Grace indeed! I am not saying that I am out of the boiling oil, all I am saying is that I now understand better why or what I am here for and that all the good and bad that i had experienced over the years were just 'Grist for the Mill!" All the waste products and garbage i had manifested were just compost for the soil that is used to grow who I have become in the past few years of my life. I am slowly but surely awakening to my true nature towards a thorough understanding of who I am and what role is in this existence. 

                                           Some are closer to Allah than I, I realize.

Rambling more about myself than anything else.

                                       In strategy. Timing is of the Essence. - Miyamoto Musashi.

 For the sake of Rambling...my anger is what I fear most for when I am angry I have been known to destroy my entire collection of Prints that I did at the Printmaking Studio at the University of Wisconsin, at Green Bay. out of anger I had destroyed much of my self esteem and reputation among my closest friends and relatives; I was recommended to undergo 'Anger management treatment by a psychiatrist working out of Sau Sau Sillito,  Marin County California, at US75 dollars an hour by my former Boss at H&H Ship Services. Anger blinds you. You become completely engulfed by pure darkness that knows no fear or regrets, anger makes one act more than a demon if not checked; it is nothing to brush off as normal if you have and anger issue! Admit it, accept it, and deal with Pronto! All it takes is to wake up before the nightmare hits, quit dreaming too long just because life is peachy! Be aware that you have shadow beside you demanding attention. The ego is just as mindful if not more so in order to keep you from becoming sedated by fear, or regret, the ego will not give in easy to your intentions of getting a strong hold upon it, the ego does not like being manipulated. So, what do we do? Back to square one, who is asking? Who is the master and who the slave? Who commands and who obeys? This is the ego's narrative in keeping a hold on its presence and existence in and alongside the one asking...who is asking? Who wants to know? Who am I?

                                         Knowledge comes and goes but the memory remains.

Carl Jung's works which I came upon a complete collection of it at a Thrifty Store and paid  a very cheap price for a whole stack of Jung's works that someone had donated to the Salvation Army outlet near my home. I made it a study out of all of them as best i could and in some ways it had helped me to see new ways about how I perceive my mind. A hew keys unlocked my own subconsciousness and a few questions were answered. Jung's talk of the 'Shadow,' interested me most and I made it a special effort to delve deeper with guidance from the works of Carl Gustav Jung. Earlier in my younger adult life, Krishnamoorthi and Alan Watts had played a pivotal role in the development my thinking mind or as the Buddhist calls it, The Way Seeking Mind. I was slightly awakened when I stumbled upon their works in the University of green Bay Library where I was working my work-study to pay for my student life; I was a librarian. What I am saying in a long and winded way is that I had great minds that were guiding my through their life works. These were my Bodhisattvas in need who were there when I most needed them. Later came the more recent masters like Eckhart Tolle and Mooji Baba, Sunyamurti and the likes. These and along with my Teachers and Gurus who I met along the way in real life, here in Malaysia, In the US and Japan all those who I stumbled into while roaming this world. Teachers are everywhere and the teaching is Universal - like One in All and All in One; we are very closely connected more than we care to admit or feel. 

                                 Don't  make me angry! You will not like it when I am angry!

We as humanity have long forsake our Divine nature for material trivia that have soaked into our souls so deep that it is almost impossible to dig ourselves out of it. Then again what do I know, who am I to utter such bombastic claims like i am some Guru or Rishi sitting in my cave on top of the Himalayas like Milarepa and his Guru, Marpa used to. No, I am me rambling to myself as my thoughts prompts me to, like it or not this is me, my Blog, my writing; of Who I am and how me Function. Right or wrong, WallahuAlam - Only He knows.It is said in the Quran somewhere that all that is lived by a man was predestined and what transpires from the first breath to the last is man's choice - his free will, however all is written in the Loh Mafuz or the Book of Life. Don't quote me on this as my Islamic Studies was not good at all while in High School! But i like to read, The Quran is one of the most powerful Book to read  I like knowing especially the mysteries of life and creation, death and rebirth, if there be any such thing. I enjoyed reading most of my life and was blessed to be exposed to Great works like James Michener, Leon Uris, Khalil Gibran, Tom Clancy and Robert Ludlum at the age of twelve. I have written of this subject many times in the past so if one search a little more can be revealed as the Devil is in the details, you have to search for the connections and piece them together for a complete narrative of each and every even in my life. It is like a roll of waves on the sea, it keeps in motion, creating the highs and the lows and ending washed up on the sand. To understand my writing by taking stories out of context will make a dull story, not worth making it an issue. Take what is healing and helpful and let go of the trivia and  the irrelevant; time is closing in one you, not a good time to take life too seriously but live meaningfully at least to yourself; really no one has to know how you truly live.

                        Still one of my favorite Moments, the way I would choose to feel.

How dose one calm down or pacify anger?! PATIENCE! Patience is a virtue most neglected and often rejected by most of us when facing our shadow, our nemesis, our petty tyrants, our donkey brain and monkey mind; Patience is an anecdote  that is capable of overcoming anger, i read this somewhere, I heard it told me by many and I experienced it first hand on many occasions. The ability to take step back and take another breath and closely look at the whole situation from a less chaotic confused often blind rage facade to a more tranquil posture even if seemed like admitting a defeat, surrendering to the inevitable and place the situation into the Lord's hands for He is your Divine Protector and He keeps His promise to Protect you if you are a true believer; Allah {swt}, Loves You, no doubt that! So does Christ and Lord Shiva and Lord Krishna and host of other Gods that we have chosen to believe in and put surrender our  faith in. Being able to practice Patience in our daily life we can tear down barriers between us, we can learn and teach each other what we have realized over the years of small and big things that makes the world go round. Ya Sabur! The Beautiful Name of Allah meaning The Patient.

As-Sabur The Timeless, The Most Patient, The Patiently Enduring (He Who Times Everything Perfectly)

Posted by Dr Q Ashfaq Ahmad | 29 Aug, 2017 | Beyond the Box, Education 

Muhammad Ali would dance around his opponent and seldom attack until the right moment and with one blow he would flatten his adversary; Patience in the Ring as it was called. I cannot ascertain who coined Ali or Howard Cosell, but it described Ali's Style.

                                                

   

  

In Search of Fear - Part two

 Most skeptics would frown over what I perceive to be 'fear' in my life experiences, I wish i can reveal a whole lot more than I have already where my Tango with fear have taken me to the edge of my sanity. The fear of rejection of being isolated of not being paid attention to can be a very corrosive and toxic negative energy that can cause more than just manic depression. I do not wish to be accuse of sharing horror stories because it sells Online in one form or another. I am actually writing my horror short stories based on real life experiences and the capability  of my creative imagination and sell it Online! Joke aside, I am writing my thoughts down as they materialize on the topic of Fear and why it is vital to confront this attribute we all carry within us and if possible eliminate totally from our conscious mind; if we cannot we will at least pay attention to it more closely so that we are not intimidated by its lurking presence in the back ground like a hungry ghost in the attic that goes thumping in the night to keep you awake.

They come in all shapes and sizes, Tik Tok! YouTube, hell, there creatures that makes you want to throw up that has been uploaded into the Net and it is getting worse as demons and angels are taking forms of heroic or villainous and they look very impressive thanks to the superb imagination of the creators, I think there aught to be an unwritten law that says whether a video or image posted is undoubtedly authentic or is a simulation or manipulation of the technology to scare people more so than they already are...oh how they love the horror movies! Most Malay movies in Malaysia are cattered too the supernatural and the unseen realm of darker side of human nature. We have the Bomoh and Pawang the shaman, the Dukun and the Ustaz who plays the role of being guardians of our twilight realm. In just about nay culture in human history, the fear of the unseen and unknown dimensions has been major Architype that they had to deal with in their minds.  

Then there is the childhood fear, of an event being played out before you as a child that would defy any mind of an adult much so a child's and I was eight of nine at the time. Briefly - The whole family of about thirty adults and children were living in our grand mother's house or known as Rumah Nenek right smack in the center of a mangrove swamp where the whole are is inundated almost daily or nightly depending on the calendar of the high tide and low tide; it is also known as a tidal swamp.The houses were built sometimes more than six feet above the ground just clearing the highest tide of the month. There was no electricity when I was born The incident took place one morning and and affected me; I was the one who saw it from the beginning till the end of the horror show. My Auntie who practically raised me since my birth and given up for adoption to my Uncle was the youngest of the three siblings that were the children of my Grand Parents, my Mother was the eldest and my Uncle was the second. It was a weekend morning and my aunt was sweeping the living room and I was just hanging around and then I noticed she stopped and seemed confused holding her head in her hand.'I don't feel well," she said,"Go and call your Auntie!" Everyone called her MakCak., my auntie who was a Midwife way back when and she was one of my major source of the world of spirits and oily men, of Pontianak and Langsoiyar, Mambangs! Hantu Raya! I was very close to her for this curiosity in me, I needed to experience these stories and my imagination often runs wild as soon as I am exposed to these phenomenal events. And so it happened! I ran out of the house and found my Eldest Auntie chatting with the neighbor on the verandah of the house drinking black coffee and chewing sireh or betelnut chew.

I told her what was going on at home and how my auntie had asked me to get her ASAP. When my Auntie arrived at the house all hell broke loose between the two ladies like they were going to rip each other's face off, yelling and screaming and allot of hair pulling and I was shocked beyond understanding of what the hell was happening. Soon more characters joined the horror show with a whole lot mor cursing and swearing between that we children never heard of uttered by these normally genteel Ladies was beyond me, but I was ripely intrigued and the memory all that happened like how my Auntie who raised me was being possessed by a spirit who had followed her home while she was walking past a Hindu Roadside shrine, it was sharing the umbrella my auntie was heard telling. It took almost four hours of battle royal between my Aunties and another Midwife who came to give her hand in performing the exorcism of my auntie As the saying goes, the Devil is in the details and that is what telling a story is all about. Needless to say on the more serious side, I grew up with this whole event being played out in my childhood mind. I used to sleep in the same bed as her until the episode blew in my face, I immediately found my own mat to sleep on by myself.

So I cannot confidently declare that there is no such thing, these things do not exist, they are a pigment of our collective consciousness and it is perhaps not a cool thing to go around sharing at leas not in the Pubs and the Taverns. Fear comes in many forms and packages and they either build up in intensity over time or they strike instantly without warning shoving you off you balance so hard that you simply loose it, panic, the defense mode sets in and you find yourself climbing a coconut tree to be free from the cobra on the ground., or you a caught with your pants down by your neighbor looking you down the barrel of a shotgun shitting yourself in bed beside his wife; yes fear can happen when you least expect and that is the worse kind. In my dreams or should I say my nightmares, I always feared of not being able to find my way home or my arrive at my destination. As I am getting older i am beginning to understand these dreams and they are not that threatening anymore. It is strange that I seldom find myself threatened by ghostly or monsters in my dreams and i actually find myself looking forward to the battle I would have to fight instead of being forced to wake up from an experience fear, it is our escape route, most of us. Sometimes this action is on automation ready to activate when when the body mind or soul is threatened with pain, or even death. While awake it is little bit more challenging as we are conditioned in our thinking mind to address the external world in a more collective way. very thought you project every feeling you express within or without, every motion you make and every breath you take is involved.

If you truly wish to understand fear, live in Gaza now. With all the videos and images that you see being shared on the Internet, it not hard to imagine what it is like and if you are not touched by the plight of the people of Gaza just now, you do not have to worry about truly knowing the nature of 'Fear!' The fear that comes with guilt and redemption is another form of fear that haunts humanity whether they know it or not. We are all guilty of one thing or another whether we admit it or realize it or not and we carry these gu8ilt with us as we grow older and the closer you approach to gates of eternity the more aware you become of all transgressions of the past ,present and future; as human being we are indeed fucked! The Sadhana or practice is The letting go of negative perceptions and ignorance of the what is real and what is illusions; 'it is a long long road and from which there is no return, that leads us to where, who knows where....' I am attracted to the Buddha's teaching because it helps better to understand the road and the paths, it opens avenues for me to explore and take advantage of in walking my journey mindfully so as to better serve the many who lives are not as fortunate as mine. The virtue of servitude is one of the most potent cure for the fear of redemption from guilt and shame. This form of fear is a long term fear that accumulates and becomes a serious issue when at a ripe old age and one is facing the next major shift into the unknown; are we ready for what lies beyond!

"I dance with the Mothers and I danced with their Fathers, I dance with their sisters and I danced with their brothers and they danced along...'= Sting.- "How Fragile We Are."