Back to the Boonies.

Nothing would bring you back to the moment in time and space than two rug rats even at the end of the planet.

They call me To' Wan, grandpa and they keep me moving along at their own pace.

Lets go and feed the fish To'Wan! Yeah right! I am tired from working all afternoon, but..what heck if it makes you guys happy lets get it over with.

I was once like you, now  one day you will be like me and I hope there places like this that is still available for you to take your grand children to.

When was the last time you watched live fishes swimming like this? Missing something in your life?

And they were all there to greet me or the camera, Rug Rats! You bring genuine smile to my face, always.

My Brush on Zen.

Zen Buddhism as i found it happened while I was at the University in Wisconsin and while being a librarian as a part time job I stumbled upon "The Way of Zen" by the late Alan Watts, (whose remains I used to visit with a few Zen buddies and a bottle of sake; the memorial to Alan Watts is located on the hill slope at green Gulch Farm. Along side of it lies the  memorial site for A young adult who was stabbed to death in an alley in the Downtown San Francisco area.. He s was the son of the author of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance " If I am not mistaken the kid was seventeen when he was stabbed. So I came upon Zen Buddhism when I read Alan Watts's books from then on, Zen intrigued me and I felt it was worth to take up as a practice towards healing myself. The essence of Mahayana teachings, the Rinzai and Soto schools of Zen Buddhism for me epitomizes the clear cutting edge of the Sword of Wisdom of Manjushri which is said to severe all attachments to this delusional existence and awaken to the light of wisdom and compassion.
The reason I am bringing the subject of my Zen training is because i feel the need to clarify to myself the amount of knowledge that i have accumulated on the matter of Zen in my life. I don not wish to be said to merely copy and imitate others on the subject alone which I do in any case but I do pick and choose what i use.as my references.I do not wish to sound off like I really have a grasp on what is Zen at least intellectually if not in practice. Through Alan watts i was exposed to the works of D.T.Suzuki and Shunryu Suzuki Roshi, whose book, Zem Mind Beginner's Mind became one of my back to the drawing board reference book. I read Kapleau and Fritjof Kapra, the works of Norman Firscher, the works of Dainin Katagiri Roshi and more on the subject. I spend most of my free time either wandering the hills of  the Marin Headlands across the Bay from San Francisco or in the Green Gulch Library, I read just about every book on the shelves that had to do with Zen, I sat in Zazen  meditation three time a day in the Zedo at the Green Dragon Zen Temple for almost two years while working at the Green Gulch Farm and being a Zen Practice Student. My Instructors include  Lou and Blanch Hartmanm,, Norman and Cathy Fisher, Paul Discoe and Edward Brown, I worked under Peter Rudnick and Wendy Johnson in the organic farm and gardening at Green Gulch. Where i also met many strong practicing Zen students like David Chadwick and his wife, David Carlson and David Lueck, Jim Abrams and Terry Sutton and many others from whom I learned what being a Zen student in the United States was all about. Zen bloomed in the United States and California was its breeding ground.
If I am asked up front what is Zen, I would have not way to say a word about it, even before i open my mouth i have failed to explain it. Hence Zen Mind Beginner's mind, Then I would offer a suggestion that you read Way of Zen and so forth and this would be Zen too. Zen in Japanese is a way of saying Chan in Chinese and a way of saying Dhyana in Sanskrit; the Way of the Buddha's Meditation.on Emptiness and forms, my understanding only off course, i could be wrong and this too would be Zen. It is okay no right or wrong way only the Way. The way of breathing, the way of chanting, the way of sitting meditation, the way of work with a complete awareness of every move and actions as in a ritual ceremony or making the compost.
This is the art of rambling. A way of the the non doing doing, or inactive action to sound more in contemporary on the subject, Wu Wei as the Chinese originally used it in Chan practice. Being completely present in your breath you hear the pattering of rain outside your window, you are in a Zen like meditation or as Trungpa Rinpoche calls it Meditation in Action. Two nights ago my Indonesian companion,  Shawal brought a good size Tilapia fish caight from the pond and he wanted me to cook it for dinner, The fish was still very much alive when I had it in the sink and cutting of its fins and last pulling off its gills and it was still alive. I felt it in my hands. The tilapia is red in color and beautiful to look at and all the while I was preparing the fish using a scissors, I felt doubts and remorse at what I was doing and i thoguht of the Bhagavad Gita's story about the fact that there is no doer or the one done to only action detached and impersonal, no ego. Thinking of what to express, i whispered, " May you become a Buddha in the next life." and this too I did under my breath as thoguht i was afraid of expressing my remorse at taking a life so vibrant and forceful, this is going to stay with me for a long time as another deep rooted Karma. This sound as it may, naive, it would not be so had I not been standing in the middle of nowhere but forest around me, like a boat surrounded by darkness in the ocean, and if I had not been doing my practice as intensely as I was at that moment, the whole episode would have been normal. But being out there in the foot hills of Lintang at the Organic farm just my friend Shawal and I, one would be extra cautious spilling blood and taking of life without a sense of compassion and acceptance, this too is Zen.
This is my Zen scatology, my shit bucket, the job of cleaning and removing the waste every moment of my time for so long as I am thinking and doing and making sense out of it all, untangling the tangle.This is a part of my Zen practice on a daily basis, just simply rambling my mind off in every directions, past present and future. Effortlessness is rest, this is how I envision my way of Zen. Whenever I stray from my path I try to return to this state of effortlessness in being, in time and the moment without any mind or mental projections or attachment from all phenomenal worlds. Like plucking the lotus without wetting your fingers. I am far from being successful in my efforts at becoming effortless in all that I do but I keep trying to get closer to the idea as I can. Wu Wei or Inactive action or detached involvement call it by what other names is the way of Zen in my mind. But if you ask me what is Zen, I will have no ready answers or you get a slap from me. (old Zen joke!).
What I understand of Zen in writing or practice is basic to say the least for to have a Zen mind one has to also have a beginner's mind, not a mind so filled with knowledge, or thoughts and ideas, a mind filled with perceptions and visions; a quiet mind to begin with. Zen Practice is to acquire this state of mind. Sitting in Zazen or sitting meditation is the posture one adopts to reach this quietness in the mind. It is said that Gautama sat for forty days and nights in Zazen before he was awakened or able to complete transcend his mind; No mind is Buddha's Mind., form is emptiness and emptiness is form...the same is true of feelings and  perceptions, impulses and consciousness...O Sari Putra...All Dahrmas or phenomena are marked with emptiness- From the Heart Sutra..The Great Wisdom Beyond Wisdom, Heart Sutra is the main text of the Soto Zen Tradition and it is chanted daily in the morning and evening services. The content of the Sutra can be mind blowing if it is carefully put to practice or at least fully understood.
..
That in a nut shell is the extent of my getting to know what is Zen as i at one decided that my life was running in ten different directions and i was nowhere to be seen. I discovered Zen by chance and by chance and am today am more confused than ever, but that is zen too.
 

Before we go our saperate ways my children...

Where the water meets the land this was where all things began.

A journey to nowhere is like going everywhere.

Up river, down rivers who knows there, (the master has gone fishing).

When you stand before it KOMTAR looks like  the Lingam, what is a Lingam? Ask your Hindu friend, and chances are he will say your dick la brother! The Phallic symbol of virility, the sit of power! Now its a shopping mall. and not doing too well. What the structure needs is a good colorful paint job like better than a rainbow. 

I used to carry this boy on my back all over Golden Gate park every day while we we livng on 2nd Avenue in San Francisco.Today I still have to clean his room and do his laundry!

Now what do you do? No snow here no, mountains and hard to find good cheese, what do you do, Timo?

Prepare for the worse and hope for the best.

                                                   Heart breaker, she has me wrapped around her finger.

I wish my Number One was here too, but  some miracles are harder to happen.. What is the quality of life but to make it happen.

Three days at the farm.

Arrived at the Organic farm Thursday morning after driving through the night from Georgetown to Belantik, in Sik, Kedah where I had been frequenting for the past few months making it my retreat and practice or some where where i can sweat it out while at the same time performing my service to the land and the people at the SRI Lovely Organic FARM. .Through Lee Khai's sponsorship, I decided that that best thing for me then was to walk away from here and find my center again. Work out some real sweat and quiet the mind through the night while sitting in Zazen in my "danau', or hut amidst green rice fields and tall Meranti and Chengal trees ancient and proud against the blues morning skies: i need to retreat, re- treat myself..
I learned that my son Timo is working on a mural for the upstairs wall where we had initially wanted to work on- Proud! What else could i ask for? He leaves behind his first project as an artist and I think he is going to be be good at it, not because i am his father but as an artist for what ever i am worth, i think he is going to be better than his dad. Karim quits his job this evening as soon as he came to work at the Sungai Pinang Food Court, I was sitting with his uncle Rahim who hired him to flip burgers, in my mind I said "about time boy! Now you got balls!" Every now and then we have to grow up, look at your father it seems like he will never get there, he still thinks he is a kid.
I am reading Karim's first novel;l that he bought and paid for with the intention to read it, i hope he does but i see it sitting like a virgin on top of the humidifier by his bed so i decided i will read it first and save him the agony by telling him what it is all about , maybe. I need something to read while at the farm, to keep the balance between what is ireal and what is fiction. If one thing they will talk about when I am gone it is the fact that they will never see me without a novel in my hand. I had just finished Eric Van Lastbader's based on  Robert Ludlum's character of Jason Bourne, can't remember the title right this moment but it was very much a Jason Bourne saga only his style. I asked myself if it is right to allow my mind to wander into so many spaces and dimensions all at once and still pursue the art of being in silence and the her and now, yada, yada., most skeptics would rightfully agree is not very Zen. Then there is this 'Blogging". Sharing my moments in space and time doing my thing call , "just Living'. Whats the use of being there if cannot recall you were there? While listening to Enya and Enigma (Collection) on YouTube.
It is raining on the streets outside while downstairs the dish washing crew is raising all hell with pots and pants from the day's catering business. Most of them are my nephews and nieces and grand ones too. Sometimes hard to tell if their yelling and screaming is more irritating or the pots and pants, but most of time I am happy to be back with them and sharing them with the world, more or less. While i was on my way back my cousin and his wife flagged me down and we made a U turn and headed back to the farm, they had driven all the way to surprise me and had i missed them they would never find their way to the SRI LOVELY Organic farm. The power of faith, the mind? Whatever the power that be, sometimes it is short of a miracle how small things seem to just happen by a very long shot call it the work of the universal subconscious, providence? I believe in miracles, i believe that sometimes if we allow them to , miracles can happen more often in our lives. Don't have any expectations,. just be there when it happens and realize that it has and celebrate it. (Quietly to yourself and if choose say AlhamdullilAH! Thank You Lord for Thy Grace.I f you are an atheist well just say shit happens! It is some cosmic tuning of waves and strings that connects us in times of need, like a telephone, only mine was not functioning at the time due to lack of lines. Otherwise it would not have been so much of a miracle. I found myself telling myself that i should tell them how actually happy i was inside at seeing them and taking them back the way I had come  which was about five kilometers away from the farm, they will never find their way into the foot hills village area of Lintang, no way!
It is perhaps boring to read an autobiography of a person written in the form of a diary of putting to practice the Dharma, the Way, the Journey towards the Lord of Power as in his works Ibni Arabi wrote. It is a long walk not unlike the Green Mile only I hope to activate the state of Awakened Spirit walking instead of "Dead Man Walking.' The movie shook my up where human cruelty and the power of healing was depicted even if it is just a movie a work of fiction at its best, the result of a collective mind of artists and movie makers; a Master Piece. I seek the human spirit within me in order that i will never commit another wrong against my fellow man nor will I violate the precepts of the ancient teachings, well I will try my best at least. I am still human and my back hurts bad and I think I have got some kind of arthritis in my left arm from shoulders down and it hurts like hell. at night when it gets cold. Then again, i managed to cut the grass at the farm and raked the leaves sweating three or four times a day, it felt like I was alive again and at night getting deeper touch with my physical self through meditations and breathing exercises  I came very close to awakening my  inner energy my  Chi, or Ki or my Kudalini at least that was what it felt like in the dead of the night as I sat and invoked the name of my Lord and His hosts of Angels and the Buddha and His hosts of Buddhas to protect me and to allow for me to lett mind mind play out some of its deep rooted Karmas while outside the hut was the sound of the forest. My Indonesian friend Shawal and i were the only two people there for the three nights i spent at the place.
And what have I learned from this brief experience looking out, looking in the life and the world around me and that which arises within me and see the moments of connections with people and with the land. I learned that I have nothing to hide, this who I am and as I make this entry let it be my testimony to my road to salvation, my liberation my awakening, short of his, I insult the Buddhas, in the ten directions, past, present and future.I am The Cheeseburger Buddha, the Buddha of confusion.I seek to find the balance that the Buddha Shakyamuni points at, the Middle Path.I am Ram Dass, Krishnamurti, Alant Watts, Eckhart Tolle, Swami Sri Ramana Mahrshi, Sri Neem Karoli Baba, Parammahamso Mahesh Yogi, and all my Gurus of the past present and future. In their name I seek to find that which is the meaning of enlightenment and ultimate liberation from this realm of Samsara; my lower back is killing me.
Bringing together the various pieces of a splintered soul is my journey of healing myself and every now and then I remind myself of this so as to realize why I am doing what I am doing and how I intend to doing it I also came to a realization that Death is the only definable truth and for me the thorough understanding of the nature of death itself is another primary focus, something that I am constant in touch with as my Guru of Gurus, I promise to learn everything there is to learn about my physical body and put every effort to the last breath of my life in doing what I am doing until I and Death becomes one. I do not say this without fear in me and nor am I trying to say more than I know but suffice to say if I can write about my intentions I am sure as hell meant what i am saying; end of justifying. As my heart beats to the rhythm of the music i am listening to i am fulfilling m intentions, you who read is my witness. .What else is there to do but what is right before me and despite the physical discomforts enjoy doing it for the sake of making it happen, this is the Zen Way...if you ask me...Don't ask me what is Zen.
Out my window, they are laughing and yelling and screaming while getting the dishes done ten people or more including a few Bangladeshis out to make an extra buck.My children are all working. The Naz must be out flying somewhere  out of Dubai, Timo painting the mural, Karim flipping burger and Marissa waitress.at Gala.and should look into running some laundries.What more could a  man ask for? and this too will pass...However it has been fun while it lasted Now back to nothing doing till something happens,and the fasting month approaches.and Karim has graduated from flipping burgers to working at Gala House taking Marissa's place when she leaves for school in Cyberjaya.

The Women in my life - Continued.

Accompanied my daughter shopping for a pair of sneakers at the First Avenue Mall  today and had a good time with her even though the deal was i can sit and read my Eric Van Lustbader Novel of Jason Bourne series which was created originally by Robert Ludlum while she wanders around looking for her pair of sneakers. Twice she returned to the Star Bucks cafe where i sat and said to find any sneakers but had a few other items bought instead. I told her to take a walk and look for a nice belt instead and to forget the sneakers and eventually came upon a pair of sneakers she liked and bought. I had the opportunity to have a good chat with her in between her search and shared with of a piece of my past that she did not know before, that i was a martial arts student and later an instructor and that at one time i was caught sleeping with my instructor's eldest daughter. it was both sweet and bitter for me but then that was who i was and perhaps still am. My instructor chastised me in front of the rest of the students one evening during practice and all he asked me was what did he ever do to me to deserve this; it was worse than getting slapped in the face. Late both his daughter and me apologized for our infractions.
My daughter was not much surprised by what i told her and that i have been trying to write about the women in my life in my Blog did not register any reaction for or against. I have no regrets whatsoever of what had happened and considered myself very lucky to have got off easy but i was young then and she was the prettiest I have seen during the time and among the rest of the students she chose me even if she was older than me by two years. If i were to look back with a sense of regret for all the episodes in my life that involved women I most probably have jumped the bridge  long time ago and further more it would have been an insult to the women being a partner in my transgressions. I took the risk and enjoyed the forbidden fruits where not many would have dared: where angels would not dare only fools would tread or simply put, no risk, no gain or that if you are scared of getting burned, don't play with fire and i burned my way through my young adult life with glory.Today ironically i can look a t woman and imagine her from the distance as perhaps i am through with getting burned.
My first love of my life lives not too far from where i am and has remained unmarried all these years, she was my childhood companion for over nine years and her foster family stood very violently against our relationship simply because i was not a pure blooded Malay nor was I a rich prize for her, and they yelled this in my face one day over which I walked away swearing that i would marry the first woman who showed any interest in me. I met my first wife soon after and decided to settle at twenty five. I found out that I was a father two months into our relationship and in predominantly Muslim community there was only one solution, get married.and we did. I felt like a man and i was very happy like I have accomplished something in life as i watched my child got large in my wife's belly. We had what everyone called a'Cowboy's wedding' or shotgun wedding with little fanfare and a whole lot of gossips among the relatives and friends of which nothing touched me as i was riding high in the clouds with joy.
I was a rambunctious character with little regard for consequences I might cause in my younger days but i decided to settle down and raise my son and care for my wife as we struggled to make it here in Malaysia. We were faced with all kinds of trials and tribulations in the form the immigration office and the registry department while my wife had fight her own battles at her place of work.So we finally decided to migrate to the United States and i made a vow never to return. Thus began my no holds barred and no looking back journey of my adult life where 21 years of living a hedonistic life took hold of who I was to become.
Today I have lost that rambunctiousness in me as i told my daughter, I am tired of taking on life like a bull in a China shop, I told her my journey now is an inner one, one that hopefully will help to cleanse up my past with some understanding of who I am and what my life in the past was all about. My writing this blog is again simply as a form of catharsis a discernment allowing for my mind to unburden what has been accumulated throughout my existence with the hope that it will enlighten my baggage before i take my final step into the hereafter.

At Savatthi. Then the brahman Jata[1] Bharadvaja went to the Blessed One and, on arrival, exchanged courteous greetings with him. After this exchange of friendly greetings & courtesies, he sat to one side. As he was sitting there he addressed the Blessed One with a verse:

A tangle within, a tangle without, people are entangled in a tangle. Gotama, I ask you this: who can untangle this tangle?

[The Buddha:]

A man established in virtue, discerning, developing discernment & mind, a monk ardent, astute: he can untangle this tangle. Those whose passion, aversion, & ignorance have faded away, arahants, their effluents ended: for them the tangle's untangled. Where name-&-form, along with perception of impingement & form, totally stop without trace: that's where the tangle is cut.

Discernment is the activity of determining the value and quality of a certain subject or event, particularly the activity of going past the mere perception of something and making detailed judgments about that thing. As a virtue, a discerning individual is considered to possess wisdom, and be of good judgement; especially so with regard to subject matter often overlooked by others.

  

How does it all work?

So how do I remain in silence, devoid of noise, sound and the hankerings in my mind? HOW SO I MANTAIN THE PEACE THAT IS INHERENT WITHIN WHILE IN THE CENTER OF THE STORM>  My fingers hesitated again but it is what it is, the thought process that will hopefully materialize yet into another serious practice of Being in the Moment; Now. I listened and watched a video on YouTube of an Indian Guru very well known to the West by the name of Papaji. (note; I had to double check the name while entering this, I thought it was Babaji, as more common reverence among Hindu Masters). I forgot his name even. How does one keep the enthusiasm of the practice much alive each day as one faces the life without, the external bonds of vexations that one is tied to in this lifetime? How do you walk away? How do you remove? How do you remove yourself or how do you learn to accept what Is for what It is.Out my window at the present moment a yellow school bus had just drove by along with a host of cars along with it, it has been pouring rain most of the morning, nice for a Sunday afternoon. BELOW ME A CONVERSATION IS ONGOING AMONG THE EMPLOYEES OF THE CATERING BUSINESS, THE SELERA WAWASAN, my cousin's business.Alhamdullilah! His rezeki as they say it here. To lock out the noise from otside i have worn my earphones and played on Youtube Anoushka Shankar playing on Sitar while NORA Jones sings,'Traces of You."
The Great Guru Papaji was a laughing Guru whose essence is of lightheartedness and taking life with a good sense of humor, to seek in the simplicity of the teaching and not to keep adding one's own stuff to it once one has discovered its beauty and truth. It is neither easy nor hard but it takes a doing, an action, so act on what you have found to be your path, your way towards the Dharma, the Lord or whatever it is that you perceive to be your ultimate goal; I choose my death as mu ultimate goal. If I can understand a good portion of why I was alive in the first place, i might have good understanding of my death and might even be willingly to embrace DEATH AS MY ENLIGHTENMENT FROM THIS CIRCLE OF BIRTH, LIFE DEATH AND RESSURECTION OR INCARNATION. (From now on I will keep the typo errors) Must be a good reason why, after all this too is what it is all about on this wet Sunday afternoon.

Ravi Shankar & Anoushka Shankar Live: Raag Khamaj (1997), 

A video worth listening to and watching what it takes to be called Master if Not a Grand master of the Sitar and Hindu Classical Music. His fingers flew back and forth as if they had a freedom of their own and the music flows direct from within like a flood of sound energy that captivates the entire audience if not the Universe itself at that moment, watching it makes me remember what is called, The Thorn Bird, a mythical bird said to never in its entire existence uttered a sound but on its final day gave the loudest scream out into the universe as it flew at great speed and impaled itself into the thorns of a Thorn Bush and died. This was written in the epilogue of the Novel Chesapeake, by James Michener if  I remember having read it while i was growing a teenager in Kuala Terengganu. I read the Carpet Beggars along with Hawaii, The Floating World,  Sayonara and a few others by Michener back when I was a teenager in a secondary school.  Michener had set my mind on fire and had opened the entire world to my imagination, planted the seed of being a traveler, a seeker a wanderer of the planet and be able to share about my journey with as many as it is possible in this day and age and do it as my form of Pooja, My form of the Lord's Prayer, my service back to humanity for whatever it is worth, fulfilling my Bodhisatva vows: My Jihad, not my 'Jahat'. (Jahat in Bahasa means bad.)

Rambling on about nothing...

Tried to explain what the word nadir means to my adopted son and young friend at the MGTF where i found him working on a booklet for an upcoming convention called COP or Convention of Peace, organized by the University,USM. This convention and movement is towards finding a morally and religiously equitable solution to the predicanmnet of the Mrros on the Island of Mindanao in the Philippines. After our customary greetings which i chose in a more quiet manner less jovial as normally would, I told him how we sometimes lie to one another when we greet and ask for our well being. How are you doing?, What's up, Hows it going, and most of the time the answer would be more of positive in nTURE WHEN SOMETIMES IN ACTUAL FACT WE ARE AT THE NADIR OF OUR LIVES.
                                                                       

 oops a slipped my finger so let it be , He had more had more insight into the matter and we laughed over it like we both saw the predicament of our lives and perhaps the whole of humanity and i said to him, there is saying in English, "You cannot have the cake and eat it too!"  Tried to Translate into Bahasa Malaysia as best I could and to prove the point in our conversation about what? Truth? The Lies we tell one another, or that I am at the nadir of my life again, or that I just had a blast with my kids on kapas Island in Terenggnau, ...this is it.

it, is kinda what the subject is all about, Why do we go through our lives like a roller coaster up and down up and down and for some it is the ride of their lives sucking every breath out of them just to survive the day! And then I shared with the story about last Friday prayer at the Mosque where my mind just blurted out in my head,that i beg to differ with Allah that He created a perfect life for humanity. It was the first time this ever happened and it surprised me.and I felt scared at the same time. Here Iw as I thought in deep meditative state of just breathing and listening to the sermon and out of nowhere this loud protest from within. what if i had shouted it out right in the front row of the lines of congregation? I most probably would have been excommunicated if there is such a verdict in Islam.
I try to make sense of how my mind  works for myself by my actions especially in art and my writings and it is with the hope that it becomes another good reading for someone out there looking for some sanity or some answers or a have a small Satori over an episode or a joke, so be it. But in the process of my own self dissection of my body mind and spirit I will do my utmost to record my ups and down for the day as it passes and these days the record keeping has been sluggish due to that old feeling of lacking, not being all together there or here and feeling a sense of useless- ness which in the past has let to despair, the nadir of a man's existence is when this happens. Tried to share my feelings with my daughter while I was driving her to work and after whining and groaning mostly to myself I turned around and told her, as they say, and this too will pass. She said," Yeah and I have heard that for the past ten years, Dad." The stick dropped on my back like, whack! Like wake up Dad!
So the reason more why I need to go to India or back to the organic farm, and do a little bit more of soul searching and polish up on my sense of being in the moment and in mindfulness practice.It is like where am i going wrong? Is this all there is to it. Get a Job! Here have more doubts. Because bottom line money talks and bullshit walks, and India is a long way off to walk. Oh well if i cannot make it to 'Mother India' I will just have to settle for Little India downtown there by Beach Street. where the food is better they say, music is louder and the crowd as colorful as the ones you see in the Mother Country. They say Penang has the best of both worlds, food and spirituality.So why the need to travel so far and waste all that time and money and not to mention you might collapse and die due to too much heat and people.These are actually arguments that comes out of my friends when I told them of my intended journey. Some roll their eyes and, " Oh, here he goes again!
Dreaming is still free last I heard and all I am good or so it seems at is being a dreamer, a child still hungering for that moment in time and the feeling of connectedness of being at one with my mother when i was sharing the comfort of her womb along with my twin brother. Yes I am a seeker looking to find my way home to that which is peaceful and safe, to that from which i had come, from that which is my source, from that to Whom I belong; may I find my way back to the Light of Consciousness Itself.I do feel like something major is about to happen in my physical body, like I am loosing my stamina, lack of energy and aches and pains that are ever increasing all over. My body is telling me it is getting toxic from too much exposure to the city environment It is getting much too difficult to stay in touch within from too much distractions without. Time to retreat and re-energize, replenish and rejuvenate, time to shed some serious sweat, back to the Farm!
Whatever my choices may be it is still subject to making sure my children are squared away like Marissa back to college and Timo back to Switzerland till then there is not much that I can do or want to and as a matter i am applying unnecessary pressure upon myself to do something when all this is about is doing nothing.  I thought I have learned that somewhere sometime not too long ago...but.what can I say, the show must go on? If I have earned any form of lesson all these years it would have to be that, Shit Zhappens! and life goes on.

Just rambling over nothing on Friday.

Friday today and while the Imam giving his Kuthbah or sermon  where he said the Allah has awarded His Grace on mankind or something to that effect my mind exploded saying to myself, "Please i bet to differ!" Allah has created suffering for mankind and the rest is His-story. But i sat in meditation listening to the sermon as one cannot raise an issue in the midst of the Imam's sermon, as a matter of fact you cannot even shhh! or be quiet to your fellow worshiper without loosing you merit for the Friday prayer.Later this evening I shared this experience with one of my friends who was concerned about his handicapped younger brother who he believes is being ill treated or abused by his other siblings while in their care. I told him about it is so unfair or so it seems for man to suffer so much every moment of the day and sometimes in his sleep.
He was taken aback by my admit even if it was all in the mind, that I dared to question my Lord in Friday while in His Mosque.Masha'Allah!
I went on to explain my thoughts on suffering without letting him know that it mostly were what the Buddha had set out to find an answer to; why is life suffering. I tried to explain to him of how we cried at birth and caused our mothers to scream her life out just to bring us into this life. I went to point out about the impermanence of our existence and so on and he listened without saying a word. After a long silence I asked him if there is a way out of this predicament and he looked at me with a blank look.
The Imam's sermon on Fridays usually will open with the phrase Tawakal or what I understand to mean having faith in Allah. This is the key to Islam, an absolute and immovable faith, a complete surrender. Life is faced with this in mind  I told my friend that we should learn to be thankful for what has been given us for it could have been worse, he could have been his brother or he could have been born blind, or missing a limb. For this we should reflect upon Allah's Grace. I asked him how many times in a day has he expressed his gratefulness to his body, mind and spirit for being what it is and not any less? It is in expressing our gratefulness to Allah, a Higher Being  in whatever form that we begin to realize the beauty and perfections of His Creation and that life is as it should be. Being ignorant to this we exist in darkness and gloom making our life one long journey of suffering. It was doubtful that my friend a man with limited education, a drug pusher living in a fisherman's "Pondok' or hut built on the edge of the water and soon will be torn down due to development understood all these but I tried. I was worried that I might cause him to loose his faith in Allah which was not my intention, Na'Uzubillah! Allah forbids!
My way of helping my friends is by massaging them. Giving them a good rub down as close to the bones as possible waking up their weakened energy centers, making them feel their own body. I told a few the reason I like to do it is because in massaging their bodies i am massaging off my own aches and pains .I massage my brothers, my sisters my relatives and friends and I felt it become an act of meditation every so often  letting my fingers run on their own seeking and pressing points that needed to be awaken, it is a s close an any artist can come to understanding the human form from head to toe, inside and out, I am a Living Art! I manifest what being and artist is beyond the boundaries of race or creed, philosophy or religion, I am a witness to this whole Creation of how Great is the Will of my Lord, for all He said was Be and it Is. This is the Big Picture, the Complete Cut of this human tragedy of Being and Artist, this is the glory that is the manifestation of the Divine through the tips of the fingers of a wanabe artist.
Oh off course i am not alone in this mess, there many like me throwing paints and inks around nibbling and scribbling with charcoals and lead and seeking for that which is the original, the true  form, that which none has imagined or dreamed of, that which will bring down this veiled existence and reveal the Truth behind all these props we call life. We each tell our stories in our own ways and styles and techniques, and we will call it Art.

Next I want to go to India and Sri Lanka.

                                                                       

I told my daughter last night that i would like to make a pilgrimage to India and Sri Lanka where my roots on my grandfather's side originated from as my next journey if I can find the sponsor. India has always fascinated me in a daunting way like it is not going to be a holiday of sight seeing but a challenge to every aspect of my being as a man as a seeker. I told her that i would like to visit as many of the holy places of the Buddha and the ancient Hindu Temples as my point of focus. This has been one of my dreams and has yet to happen and i hope and pray that it can happen in the very hear future before i run out of steam and give in to living life wondering what it would have been like for my state of mind to visit a country so rich in spiritual history and so poverty stricken in the material sense. For lack better way of saying it , the journey would be yet another one of self discovery and reflections; toi avbsorb the spirituality of humanity at its best and worse.

So from now on it is putting this mid towards making it happen one way or another, I have to bring out the Buddha's begging bowl and start knocking on doors again. Where or how the financial support would come from WallahhuAlam, God only knows, ask the Lord says, and it shall be given, knock and it shall be open; I have strong faith in this principle and further more importantly I need to revitalize my own inner energy and replenish my creativity. I am going through an artistic blockage like a writer's block and am feeling like i am wasting what precious time have left in this life. As a student of the Way I feel my path has always been on the road for as far as i travel physically the deeper i find myself looking at what or who I am. I feel deep within me that travelling through these two countries would awaken within me all the latent sources of my strength and wisdom by the virtue of making a pilgrimage into the places where these were first propagated from, the land and people of my ancestors, the Sinhalese in me. Mine is a very old lineage as my grandfather was a bonafide Sinhalese and his root goes all the way back to the Indo- Aryan bloodline the last to migrate south from all across India to Sri Lanka.
                                                                           

`I have spent a few years in Japan the land of Zen Buddhism and visited the Vatican home to Catholicism and now if i could find my way to India and Sri Lanka it would add another piece of the jigsaw puzzle , that which is my genealogical aspect of the spiritual gene in me  Most of the teachings that I have lived by have their origin in the Hindu and Buddhist tradition, Yoga, Meditation, Philosophical as well as spiritual thoughts that i have been putting into practice are thresult of having met great Rishis and Gurus through reading their life and works. Thanks to Youtube I have spent good amount of my time viewing the Videos from jedu Krishnamurti to Swami Paramahamsa Yogananda, the works of Maharaj ji Neem Karili baba, Sri Rmana Maharshi  and so forth. and, absorbing what is being offered throughout the ages the ancient teachings of the great masters but I feel being there in the country of their origin would further deepen my understanding and perhaps attain greater insight into their mysteries. There is a part of me that dreads going to India, it would be a good healer for my mental perceptions and an awakenig one for my spiritual practice, I sincerely hope.
So i hope that those who have been following this blogging would find it their hearts to pray for this intention to materialize one way or another as i am sure this blog would be much richer for it. I would like to sit and do my sketching by the Ganges among the Devotees as they perform their ablution and pujas or burning of their dead. i would like to feel and smell and taste the life that is India as i know it would enrich my spiritual journey with sights and smells that would invoke feelings from within that only such places as Varanasi or Kathmandu and Bodhgaya can. It would be like lucking the mango direct from the tree instead of buying it in the market.
                                                                       

My daughter told me, "Go do it Dad".
  

Happy Vesak Day - Sidhatar Gautama

It was Vesak Day a few days back and they celebrated Gautama's Birthday all over the country; Homage to the World and Time Honored One! One of the Great Teachers in our human history, a King of Kings in his own time and place and an Enlightened Being to the Universe. " I have awakened and the Universe awakes with me!" The Buddha declared upon ending his 40 days of fasting in the wilds of Bodhgaya sitting under the Bo tree. Tested by the manifestations of sufferings in all forms and tempted by every form of offerings to satisfy a human desire, Sidhatha Gautama sat in silent meditation vowing not to move until he has the answer to his ultimate question; why is life full of suffering. Gautama meant to commit suicide in essence or get to the Truth of what is Life; He challenged God or the Gods whatever Power that might have been in his time to give him an answer or intuition as to what Life is all about and upon awakening went on to pursue the anecdote to this predicament we call living...Birth, Death and Rebirth, (or heaven or hell as the case might be).
Acknowledging that Life is primarily about suffering and that desire is the primary cause of suffering and that to end suffering one has to have a Right Understanding of what is Desire and how to do this, simply following the Principle of the Eightfold Path.beginning with Right Understanding."The Gods do not have any issues but man does, the Buddha teaches the Way to Liberation through Transcending the 'Self'; with Right Understanding. That Liberation or Salvation can only happen through one's own volition with no dependence upon any external help divine or otherwise. This was and still is a very tough act to follow, but the Buddha provided throughout his teachings the ways and means of attaining to Liberation from our deluded existence of chaos and suffering. Some 2600 years ago, the Buddha diagnosed humanity's illness as being Greed, Hate and Ignorance and today these illnesses has affected the world in some of the worse human tragedies.
Sadly enough instead of propagating the true teachings of the Buddha more is spent on constructing Buddha temples and statues like all else in the effort to outdo thy neighbor in size and style or to attract tourism..The Buddha's Birthday came and went for thousands of years now but His teachings is still being studied and put to test and practice by many East and West. The way of life that the Buddha had preached covers all aspects of human frailties and the potential that man has to transcend beyond what is, this mind conceived plane of existence called Maya. Most modern Gurus, Masters, Teachers, Philosophers and Seekers are touched by the Buddha's teachings in one way or another making it work according their own ways.
I do not Worship the Buddha but I pay my homage and I bow before The Lion King, The Dharma King, a Liberated Being in humble respect and love and gratitude.In my heart of hearts I surrender my faith in Allah (SWT), Lord of Creation and Compassion: my Lord has no religion. That I worship is the Lord of Love and Mercy, or Grace and Beauty and He is the Lord of Wrath too. Only through my total extinction mind, body and soul will I be close to Him; physical death alone is of no consequence, I have to die in my spirit to be reborn in His presence.My journey as was that of Gautama is to attain enlightenment in this life and awaken to that which I am, the Unborn Buddha Nature. It is in the life and form that man can free himself from the shackles of ignorance and be released from this cyclic existence of Birth-Death and Rebirth.
Happy Birthday, O, Gautama, Prince of the Shakya Clan, The World and Time Honored One.
  

The Women in my past.

I came into the works of Ram Dass while i was at the University of Wisconsin in Green Bay, it was in the early eighties late seventies, I was a librarian then and had the smorgasbord of reading materials at my Kdisposal to peruse.and I am an insatiable reader, from Robert Ludlum's and Eric van lastbadder novels to the works of Jedu Krishnamurti, Alan watts and those of Rumi and Muhyeedin Ibn Arabi, the works and teachings of Gautama, the Buddha and the Tao Ti Ching, the Kamasutra and Tantric Buddhism and the Tibetan Book of the Dead, translations of the Bible and the Quran  and the Gita by various schools of the Holy Scriptures. I read, it was what kept my mind occupied with if it was not out hunting for that which satisfy the ego, like sex or the tavern. Some how i was able to squeeze it all in together or so it seemed; I put my knowledge to the test most of the time out of necessity and survival. The need for self preservation from the cold of Wisconsin.
Nowhere in my life was my sexual appetite more fulfilled than while I was an art student at the University and every relationship i had transformed me in so many ways as to how i understand women. I am no Don Juan or Casanova but if i have to compare my life I would choose that of Pablo Picasso, he also reminded me very much of my Grandfather the Artist Paul Mariano and not the converted Muslim name, Abu Taib. Picasso had his ways with women, they loved and hated him both at the same time, it was a love hate relationship with the Maestro. Only the strong and intelligent in continence were chosen t or chose to be his partner and they never was the same again after getting to know the man up close and personal.

“There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.”― Pablo Picasso

I don't consider myself on par with the Great Painter's charismatic ways with the Ladies but i must admit that my life as a wannabe artist somewhat is not to far from that of Picasso when it came to women. I was pretty much blind and ignorant about them as I slipped out of one and entered a new relationship; like i said more out of a matter of survival; better to sleep with your face buried in between a fair size bosom of of women than to freeze your buns in the cold Wisconsin nights. it was a woman who brought me to Mid West and I slowly found out soon enough that to have a good lady by your side is an asset you cannot live without But this was not enough and my ego took on a sexual greed, that illness called lust: than lust brought me here. I mistook many things for what it was and one of them was not drawing a distinct line or develop a thorough understanding of what it is to love and lust so much so that my relationships with the women often end up to be nothing more than a form of masturbation. I can safely say that while living in the US i had a long term relationships of an average of two years. Every two years i find myself looking for a new companion. It was far from a healthy way to live but it was it back then, broke open many hearts and repaired some.

I felt like a psycho emotional parasite often times living off the energy of women, their love and devotion their care and kindness and their wrath. If someone say you are looking to get back into your mother's womb I would not disagree more, that was the manifestation I felt that my mind was playing out on me knowingly or otherwise; I kept them warm too when they needed love and friendship in those cold Wisconsin nights.

MC was the first young lady who I had a relationship with that last over two years after my divorce with my first wife. I was living in the Sule family basement at the time down the road from where MC lived and we often ran into each other in school and at the Grocery Store she worked at as the checkout girl. I fell in love the moment she smiled at me the most heart warming and genuine smile that a person can give another, there was always  a twinkle in her eyes whenever this happened. We hit off after our classes at the art studio where one thing led to another when she was nineteen and I was about  thirty one or two at the time. She was the daughter of a liquor salesman and I was a long haired, bearded , pot addict of a freak of an artist who was living on a part time security job to pay for my food and lodging while going to school.

Mich as i would call here was one of the most warm hearted person I have had the opportunity ti live with, she made me see myself from a greater height by the ways she took care of my needs almost selflessly. I ate well drank well and listened to the best of music and most of all she was always there for me.  Mich was also one of the most intelligent and intuitive person I have ever encountered and from whom I did learn the facts of life in and out of bed. it was when i was living at Leon Lodl's  old farm out on Humboldt Road that some of the best times i spent with a woman took place. The place had its own charm to be sure located out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by cornfields in summer and six feet of snow in winter. I had a dilapidated barn with wooden silos leaning precariously to one side and it was beautiful. I lived there sometimes with a house mate but most of the time alone only with my landlord Lee Lodl an eccentric of a man who had the taste for good wine classical music or jazz and strong, intelligent and loving women. I often had the whole place to myself as my landlord was often working up North in Iron Mountain Michigan where he had bought an old church and was converting it into a ski lodge.  

Nothing like snuggling a woman buried in a bean bag facing a blazing fire place sipping a Chardonay or whatever sample Mr.C had for me to try from his liquor cabinet and getting stoned on a sensamilian or Humbolt Gold while listening to Jean Pierre Rampal or Hubert laws or Grover Washington Jr. Mich would make sure I have the latest albums on these along with George Benson and Bob James. She would arrive or i would pick her up after her work and we would spend the night lavishing the simple things in life while outside we are surrounded by snow banks higher than the roof of my car. But this too will pass and had to. It was not so much that she was not right for me as she was more than so, but I felt like i would be doing her a worse injustice if i tried to cling on to her, I would only deprive her of her greatness as a student and possibly for greater things in life later on: I did not anything worthwhile to offer her except possibly heart aches and disappointment. 

Wherever or whatever she is up to these days I hope Mich is having a ball,

To Be Contd.

Happy Mother's Day! 2

God created us in Pairs.

The Principal of Yin and yang, The Cosmic symbol, is about the balance in the Universe , in creation itself. It is the balance of energy between the hot and the cold the strong and the weak and the journey that is traveled from one extreme towards another, for within each halves of the black and white drops of colors swirling in a circle of  birth, death and rebirth. When you hold on to an idea too long or too tight in your mind, it takes on a life of its own projecting of ever increasing depth and dimension until it fills up the whole scenrio of who you think you are. You become what the mind 's idea of who you are by making every thought and idea a cell, a building block from which your personality is being molded and constructed. You become attached to these thoughts and ideas and identifying them to be the truth in your life. You end up loosing your balance, you become attracted to one side of the idea and neglect to attend to the opposite effect it is causing by not being active or activated. Too attracted with light you become blind and being so used to darkness you can see clearly see light that is within you brightening it all up. You become enlightened so yo speak.
A man needs a woman in his life it is as simple as that according to The Gita, The Bible, The Koran and any other Scripture you would care to look into; just as a woman needs a man to create a perfect balance in life. The Male energy without its counterpart the female energy is useless just  as there is no electricity without the positive and negative  sources., Does it mean I need to find a wife? Do i need a spiritual companion? I have asked this before too having written so much for so long I am not surprise if  it is mentioned in ten different blog entries already. But it says i am thinking about it this matter of needing a companion or a wife. It is not like I have given up all hope of finding the right person to share the rest of my life with. :"Jodoh di tangan Tuhan," in short it is all in God's hands. However in the meantime i will go on living the way I am, contented just to be in the here and now for now. At my age It is not like I can walk out there and snap my fingers and walk away with a missus in hand.  As much as i miss the company of a woman,  I would rather be single than take on a companion who will find it hard to accept me for my ways,: I am not a simple man in my ways: I am a bungler when it comes o my relationship with women, I always end up messing things up.
So I have to say at the present moment i am content to live a reluctant Saniasi or celibate yogi. How do i relief myself? Well i am an artist, my imagination is limitless I satisfy my gratifications in my mind, I am not a mental celibate am still doing my Jihad against my lustful desires: deep rooted Karmas or fulfill my genetic strain in my DNA. How can I not simply look at a woman without projecting my desires., without wanting to posses her or  wrap myself around her feet, make love to her there and then, yes it is how my mind often works, scary but true: I am like an incubus. How do i free my mind from being in such a deep rooted karma without having to sit in meditation over a dead body in the grave yard as one of the teachings of Buddhism suggested. My consolation i feel in all these is the fact that I have not gone insane and am still able to maintain a good understanding of my predicaments. The fact that I am able to write and share my thought about ti is my way of helping those who see a little of themselves in me to adjust accordingly or make amendments where amendments can be made. You have find the forgiveness in your heart before God can forgive you. You have to understand what it is that you have transgressed before the judgement can be meted with.
For now, on this Mother's Day I kneel before my Lord and thank Him for creating Women in my life.
" I can't Live them with them and i can't live without them!"
 

                                                         

To All The Women In My Life...Happy Mother's Day! -1

The Path to Salvation is written in the skies.

Kitaro will always amaze me when i listen to his music and i have been listening to Matsuri ever since i can remember often creating a mood to what i am doing like at the present moment of sharing this insignificant information, I am listening to Kitaro. I listened to Kitaro while living in Green Bay, Wisconsin and i listened to Kitaro while living in The Aleutians, Alaska, I listen to his music while driving back and forth on the Golden gate bridge on my way to Green Gulch Zen Center from San Francisco, and I listen to Kitaro while living in Sendai Japan and have been listening to Kitaro ever since i returned to this country and living along the South China sea in a small town of Kuala  Terengganu. it is 3.24 AM and i am still listening to Kitaro.
Used to love listening to Pink Floyd when i was in college and most of the time when i was high in San Francisco living on Haight and Ashbury and still every now and then I plug in 'Wish You were Here.' just for old times sake, brings back memories of those who i had spent my time listening to these music with...the women in my life. A subject i have always been hesitant and afraid to write about and it is the most crucial part of my existence for the women in my life had held me up and struck me down time an again throughout my adult life. I have had more than my share of relationships and along with it i have many horror stories to lvie with and most of the time i had the best time of my life with the women who i have had the opportunity to have a relationship with, here in this country and the United States.
If i were to recount the number of women i have had an affair or relationship with and those i ended up marrying I know i will miss one or two.; my bad! But the women in my life had me by my cajones and I did some of the most craziest things in my past just for the scent of a women. Why am i afraid to write about this most pertinent issue of my life? I have too many cans of worms to open and what i tell will affect others for better or for worse. I have confronted my nemesis and have to yet arrive a reconciliation with myself for all those short term and broken relationships and the hedonistic life that i have led before i married my late wife, Nancy. I am not proud of my past relationships with women and i hope and pray that they will forgive me as i too forgive them. I am ambivalent about writing about the women in my life also i do not wish to become like a brag. I will have to fully understand my intention and sincerity if i were to attempt at exposing each and every women i have had the pleasure of sharing a bed with.
This Blog has become a spiritual journal one that is like the peeling of the onion of my self and as such it would not be complete if i sweep my past rights and wrongs in dealing with the opposite sex. At the end of my day i will have to face the music with my Maker on this subject and I cannot even imagine where to begin! On that note, I think it is best that i begin to at least find some understanding for myself before i am up before my Lord. I love women, I mean I am simply obsessed about women for as long as i could remember and it has cost me many a painful moments n my life while at the same time had brought me the physical and spiritual joy that only a woman to give a man and in this sense i feel i am one of those most fortunate men when it comes to loving a woman and making love to a woman. I think God created women only second to life itself. Fornication would be my greatest sin, of this i am positive and the Good Lord does not even have to refer to the records to find me guilty of this cardinal sin.
I will not allow my mind to stay from this episode of my life into self mortification or making it an achievement of success other than how things played out for each relationship as each had a vital lesson that i learned about myself. my strength and weaknesses, my neurosis and my innocence, my love and my lust for women, I will try to be aware of what it is that i intend to share without any form of judgement or accusations nor will I try to hid my genuine anger or wrath towards certain issue in my life when in a relationship with the opposite sex, from my mother to the rest of the women in many parts of the world. I have not made love a woman for many years now since I can simply say after my daughter was born. I am a  celibate not by choice but perhaps as a Karmic retribution for having had made so many errors in my ways with women in the past. It is not that I did not try but I keep making the same wrong choices, like falling in love with the wrong kind of person, especially those untouchable, like married women. So I gave up after my last effort with a married Phi[ipino lady who said she was going for a divorce, I fell in love with her and was about to take my leap of faith and make it happen but I was committing adultery no matter which way I looked at it and so I had to abandon this relationship simply because I do not need to add to my Karmic baggage.: creating karma to destroy karma.
Next to my anger issues my sexual drive is what I have been working on and now it is as good as any time to start looking deeply into what is it all about? Why do I have this intense drive to posses women sexually so much so that on looking back on some of the things i have committed in order to satisfy my lustful cravings is very scary to say the least. It is so disgusting at times that I will not even dare to divulge it here lest my mind slips into a pornographic rambling just to paint a picture my inglorious sexual escapades.But be as it may, i should have submitted myself to have my head worked on by a shrink to find out why I have been the way i was in my earlier years growing up with absolute lust in my mind. This may sound like a confession and it is in more than one way but it is also my way of healing my  splintered soul that has suffered from all my escapades, my one night stands and my lack of  care and compassion towards those i have had a relationship with. The question arises as to how do i see a woman, the mother , the daughter, the sister the nieces, the friends and lovers, how do i perceive them to be. Why am I so attracted to them especially sexually more so than i can safely say than most of my male friends and relatives.
What karmic consequences am I playing out in this life for what i had committed in the past lives, if i am a Buddhist or what is the sin that I have committed that has seen me grovel like a dog in heat whenever i see an attractive woman. Is it in my DNA? Am i simply no different than the next guy with a healthy libido, like so why the fuss? The fuss is in having to find an answer to give to my Maker when i am standing before Him and no fuss whatsoever if i am no answerable to anyone or anything for my actions so long as i was not destroyed by it or found a compatible or even justifiable solution to the outcome. I am dancing my death song, finding an acceptable conclusion to all that i am and will be accused of when it comes how i treat the women in my life past present and future.
I have pretty much been a father as well as mother to my children and since the demise of my wife Nancy, this role became a reality. It is much easier to be a father than play the role of a mother for your children, a father can walk away where a mother would stick around to the end.:.deja vu, I have said this before somewhere in my blog. I can feel what it takes to be a woman and then some. There is a strong famine nature in me and i recognized it at a very early age in my life and had dealt with it sexually and was able to transcend this part of me through taking it on and playing it out; I was gay in my teens years when the word gay was not used yet, but i got into it like it was something naturally special, it was an expression of my sexual energy and not some malfunction of my libido, or a mental deficiency, or son of Satan. I gave it up for women when i started getting to know one after another throughout my life till i married Nancy and had my two children; I decided that enough was enough.
I am beginning to drift towards looking at my past as something to be proud of, not really but at the same time it is also true; all I am saying is I made it through without getting stuck on or sucked into my weaknesses or unhealthy habits, I cut homosexuality off when i was a teenager and today although I am no more gay i respect men who are, just as I respect those who are fortunate enough to have to walk this path in life. With tis admission, for whatever it is worth and how much or who it will rattle, i feel a little lighter in my heart and soul. By the grace of the All Mighty I hope and pray that he will find it His Grace and mercy to forgive me my transgressions and those that were involved with me in making them happen.
TO BE CONTD>

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SRI LOvely on my mind.

I watered this plant until it bloomed a sun flower. The trees and the fields were my witness, I never felt a greater satisfaction in my entire life.

This little white flower floating aimlessly in the clear water of the muddy padi field, it had dropped from one of the tallest trees in the area.

Amar, the captain's son is at home in the river morning day and night, if allowed to swim he would gladly even if the water is cold enough to freeze his  bird.

I felt I belonged to a family of friends young and old who called me Mamu. We stand by the river which for the first time in their lives had flash flood, it had rained heavy somewhere in the interior.

How often have I imagine taking a strol down the river feeling the crunch of sand in between my toes.The birds filled  the air with music, ghow long has it been?

How many more sunsets like these will I be able to enjoy. It is time to make the journey back home.to Lintang.

What's reality to me?-3

To fully comprehend reality I will have to understand the theory of relativity and the workings of the mind in relation to the external stimulus, my environment, those around me and the how they affect me in my choices and perceptions. I will have to come to a good understanding of what it is that i am looking at and looking for; who and what am I as the ultimate goal. Perhaps with having a glimpse of my 'Buddha nature, or attainment of "Fana'" (a state of formlessness) as in Islam ,will bring an enlightenment towards seeing what reality truly is, till then your guess is as good as mine..
I am feeling my old age creeping into my bones and my nerves and i can feel the tiredness challenging my will to be active and keep on rambling as i am doing with thoughts and ideas i hardly have a complete understanding of, I am slowing down, I am finding it harder to stay on top of what is going on around me with all my relationships with others, to keep them positive and healthy. But I am finding the truth about who or what that really and truly matters in my life and that is I can only look unto myself for my own salvation, my own liberation from this circle of life death and rebirth. (This is partly the Buddhist in me speaking.) This was foretold by the great masters of old but it is still a difficult pill to swallow, I am still leaning on the crutches for support.I asked what would Jesus do..and the answer is still to walk away from the present and seek that which is real, that which is lasting and original. And I ask The Prophet of Allah what he would do and the same answer, Hijrah, when you feel discontented in your mind and spirit with where you are at seek a new venue, a new place, a new beginning.  Where, How? When? That has been the ongoing quest from the day I had decided to embark upon my spiritual journey, my journey of self discovery.
To unravel the mysteries I have to untangle the tangles free my mind from all delusive thoughts and ignorance and to do this I have to remove myself from my present state of being dependent upon others and the environment that is not conducive towards attaining the silence that is required, I need to find that space again where peace of mind is possible; where truth is revealed in silence..
Reality is relative to the one beholding, the circumstances of his being, the state of mind he is and the planes or levels at which he is projecting from in his psycho-spiritual evolution.Reality is as illusive as the search for your-self. How can i understand what is reality when I have not realized my true nature? The answer is, back to the drawing board and start where you left off, seek and seek for the truth in everything and every move that you make, every thought and every phenomena that you encounter, if you cannot do this than meditate and seek the silence that will allow for a glimpse of the truth when you mind is quiet; even if a quiet mind is almost impossible to achieve in this days and age. Failing to this than you better pray for your salvation and trust that God or whoever that you worship will come to your aid in putting it all together for you when your journey comes to an end. What is the sense of living if you have no idea of why you were alive in the first place.
While you are busy doing all these remember your Bodhisatva Vows, that beings are numberless and you vow to awaken with them, you will become their guides their friend their lover and you will become their Guru and teacher helping each and every soul to move forward towards the Light of Enlightenment, towards the heavens and towards being free from the bonds of ignorance.When the Buddha was enlightened He uttered that the Universe id enlightened with Him and he went on to teach the Way of Liberation from suffering. The Gods are not suffering, you are, so unto yourself find the Way.