To write or not to write?

The Thaipusam took place yeasterday and there was a good turnout of people from all over the country and tourists from who knows where with their cameras hanging round their necks and sweating like hogs under the scorching sun. As always the atmosphere was electrical with alot of noises and from deafening hindu spritual wailings off the loud speakers as well as live. I love the rythm these sounds cam mesmerise one into a state of spritual estatic and move you to dance along with the crowd accompanying the Kavadies. Devotees with hooks attached to their physical parts some beraing small containers of milk, or lemons attached to the front and backs, there are those that have metal rods skewered through their cheeks while straining against ropes with large hooks attached to the backs like a wild bull trying to pull a cart. Then there are smaller more sedate performers who carry on their shoulders beautifully decorated kavadies with cans of milk attached at each ends, these were mostly women and children. The devotees were all performing a act of fulfilling their vows made to Lord Murugan or to any other number of deities who is a part of the Hindu Pantheon of devine manifestation such as the more popular ones like Lord Kirsna, Lord Ganesha ( The elephant headed deity) or Parvati and so forth.
I enjoy Thaipusam even if I am a Muslim. For me it is a spiritual rite that evokes ancient beliefs that had survived till this day and age linking our human psyche to the Universe collecctively. It is a dance of love and devotion between the devotees and the one devoted to where faith of the one overcomes pain and discomfort all in the strangth of Devotion. It does not matter who you are or what denomination you originate from, to be in the midst of the throngs of humanity marching in full conciousness evoked by the electrical energy generated by the the single purposeness of devine worship can have an effect on you. No matter how jaded and callous one has become towards spirutality or tyhe collective superconciousness inherent in us all one is bound to be moved by the scene and the vibes unless one is a total zombie in this realm of existance.
I enjoyed sketching the scenes and often getting approval nods from those around me as they peered over my shoulder wondering what in tarnation I was up to. While doing these quick sketches mostly using charcoal pencils the beat of Indian drums and chantings filled my being like i was at a reggae concert. I sketched to the rythm and became a part of the scene as though I was fulfilling my vows made to my own personal deity on this auspicious day in th Hindu calendar of worship.

At the personal level closer to the earth, i am still lost in my day to day struggle to make ends meet for myself and my three secondary school dependants. Two are my own and one is my niece who has come to stay with us to help ease her parents from the inconvenience of time and money inorder for her to go to school. It is a little tight for my already unpredictable financial situation but it has to be for the present untill something better couldbe worked out. School is still a priority in my list making sure hat all three kids gets what they need and get to school on time, do their homework have their dinner, do their laundry and most of all watch less CDs and DVDs!!

HAPPY NEW YAER!

This is my second try at writing my new year resolution and also bidding the past year bye bye. The first lengthy entry was wioed out when I tired to have it published! Damn internet! Just when Iw as able to write a whole more meaningful and positive finale for the past year it just wnet up in smokes. Anyway todat the Ch'ng Huck Meng Solo exhibition was just launched by the Vice Chancellor and there was a good turn out. I am working on my project of sketching the longest piece of paper I have ever worked on depicting life and buildings around the Island of Penang, and so far I think I have sketched about forty feet of the paper already.
I have a few minutes before he closing of the Muzium Gallery and so I thought i'd try again to recap what I lost yesterday about the New year. O7 was a roller coaster ride for me with my ego getting bashed in left and right as i was not able to make ends meet ofeten times. This was good for me as I needed these humbling experiences as they are good for my character building as I grow older. I am mostly thankful that my health has been good except for a bout of flu once or twice throughout the year. I am also thankful that i had been able to be productive and had my Second Solo Exhibition in Penang at the Gallery Tuanku Fauziah, USM and then later two one day shows at the Little Penang Street sales which earned me some income enough to cover the cost of my children's needs for their school.
There were moments when I doubted my Creator and myself when things got a little too unbearable but I am grateful that they passed without me loosing too much of my self esteem or stagnated in despair. I had made saveral new acquaintances with whose help and moral and spiritual support I have been able to face my trials and tribulations. my friend Hasnul and members of the Muzium Staff has been ever kind and generous in their tolerance and acceptance of my precence here. I have been very fortunate to be able to utilize the facility here at no cost and with alot of support which reminded me of my three years spent at the Miyagi MUzium of Fines Arts in Sendai, Japan. I guese there many things i am to be grateful for in my life and by right there should be no cause for complains.
I have made it through the year without too much bruises to my body except some to my pride and my ego and this i realize i fully deserve. I have been complacent and at times made judgemental errors towards life as being too much suffering but on looking back the past whole year of07 I see that things could have been alot worse. For one thing i am very glad that i decided to start depending on my artistic talents rather than work for someone else to earn my living;its not easy but I feel more satisfaction even when the times gets rough. I know that from now on my livlihood depends on how I do as an artist and there is no one to tell how or what to do with my time. I enjoy the hours i have regulated for myself in order to accomplish as much as i possibly could in achieving maximum productivity towards my creative endeavors. Having and not having money will always be an issue which I will have to face just like any other Tom ,Dick and Mary, but in this I trust my Maker to provide as i have done my work. Day and night i spend my time creating, painting, sketching writing and finding ways and means to sell them and this has proven often times adequate, I hope it gets better as time goes on and that the year ahead will have better financial hold for me.
Emotionaly and spiritually I am still at ground zero, but my meditation practices and my Zikhr has progressed towards fruition as I feel better about myself and connected to the whole alot more than before. I am able to see mylife in a whole lot more positive light and that greater things lay in store for me this year ahead as it is my year, the Year of the Rat!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!! to all you ghosts out there who are crazy enough to have read my ramblings thus far!! I LOVE YOU.

Out 07 In 08

The year 2007 had been another memorable year in my life where the major shift being the fact that I had decided to to be gainly employed with a monthly income guranteed and a boss or bosses to please. I decided to become a full time artist putting my life and my children's daily needs and future in question. I was laid off from working at the Jerejak resort and SPA sometime in the middle of last year after my contract was now renewed, again I was earning too much for a job that was considered too easy and with the availibility of cheaper labor in the form of foerign employees the management at the Resort considered me a baggage to be released. It was time for me to make the change from being dependant on earning a wage to being independant and strike out on my own focussing my attention on my artworks and selling them.
It has been roller coaster ride eversince bothe the ups and down equally educating and humbling in terms of my experience. For the past few months eversince I have had days when I wondered where or how I am going to survive daily, however through my available time which otherwise I would not had I been emplouyed, I was able to meet many new friends and peears and fellow artists who had in one way or another guided me encouraged me and even financially support me to keep me and my two children in the grid. I have come to learn that the time I had been spending at so called being employed had deprived me of many moments which had enriched me as an artist and I had been able to produce more artworks isince than I had ever been able to before. I am also less uptight than when I was working as I have no one to answer to and not have to look over my shoulder to make sure that i am not being stabbed in the back by those that were vying for my position or felt threatened by my age and experiences as when i was employed. Financially too I have had alot better days days than when I was earning a specific amount every month, the sales of my works has been able to keep all three of us afloat and then some and the ehlp I got from sympathetic and understanding friends have made it easier for me and even more so made my life more meaningful in terms of the learning curve- I am more humbled and am beginning to experience compassion towards myself and in others.
With the step I am taking into the upcoming year I feel alot more confindent and in many ways alot happier with what life has to offer and my zest for living out my remaining years productively and with meaning is becoming a reality for; it has dawned upon my conciuosness it is not a matter of if I am rich or poor or that if I eat or not, what matters is that I am thankful for all that i have had all these years, that i have been blessed with a life full of roller coaster rides and I have rode them and survived to write as I am about them. I am thankful for all those great men and women who have shared my life at any given moment in time for better or for worse and I am thankful for those that had been my close companions, my soul mates, my redeemers and my protectors, those i knew of and those I knew not. I am thankful for having a good health throughout my life thus far except for the occaisional injuries and illnesses that an average person might encounter in his or her lifetime, it is a blessing for me that I have been spared of any major life terminating illness. I am ever grateful for my strong mind that have seen me through the best of times and the worse of times allowing me to act and be who I am making all the errors and accomplishing things that not too many can claim to have. I called it HUMIND, the human mind the instrument most powerful in the Universe that the AlMighty have created and i have been able to put it to the test by allowing myself to live this life to the maximum in every respect. Whether in my times of weaknesses or in my times or superior being I have watched my mind, coerced my mind cursed my mind moulded my mind, encouraged my mind and respected my mind for it has faith fully seen me through thick and thin and for this I am forever indebted to this faculty that is a vital part of myself.
Even if O7 has left many scars on my ego, my little mind the year has also seen a moral and emotional booster towards my sense of well being, my sense of who am I? The relationship I have with my two children is a loving and a very happy one at least this is my own inner feelings about it. The fact that I am not able to provide them with the best what life has to offer, (Whatever that is), I feel is a blessing in disguise for them have learned what it is not to have and what it means to take on responsibillities and make the best of what is at hand. Not to expect too much or feel ashame for not having but to keep and open and positve attitude towards what they already have for they from having experienced not having will one day know and appreciate what it would be like to have. I went through these motions and events in my own journey through life and I can really share with them through ymown personal stories, my own personal actions and accomplshments, success or failure is relative for what matters at the end of the day is how I have lived my life and how i will bring it to a fruitful and well meaning finale.

"The Intention Experiment" by Lynne McTaggart

I was introduced to the book by my friend and Muzium/Gallery Director Encik Hasnul J. Saidon who beleicved that it is my cup of tea and so far having read the first two chapters of the book I am hooked! I must confess however that having thus far read the book I have yet to be able to fully, concretely grasp the scientific remifications of this study as I am an artist, not a scientist. Sadly enought maths and science are still subjects that hides behind a veil for my mind too illusive to penetrate but having read saveral books in the past such as those by Stephen Hawkins and Fritjof Capra and the likes of Garry Zukav and Deepak Chopra I am not totally in the dark when it comes to these subjects like quantum physics and the 'relativity theories' of Einstien's. My knowledge of science thus far would hardly make me a rocket engineer but suffice to say that i have enough knowledge to compare and contrast simple premises such as the workings of shamanistic and faith healings and the scientific discoveries that would tend to verify and scientifically authenticate these 'unscietific practices'.
Albeit the discovery of the possibilty of the powers of the mind to control the outcome or the state of matter at its minutest or the interrelatedness of all from the individual to the galaxies as a flux, the book is another step toward the scientific west attempt to authenticate what the eastern minds has taken for granted thousands of years ago. The Hindu vedas have hinted at these possibilites through their analogis and allegorical teachings that most devout minds had be able to accept and put to test but there was not scientifically proven and authenticated experiments carried out at least not for the records to prove these practices were feasible and in line with the discoveries made by modern science.
Islam holds the belive that with all of us is the spark or essence of the Devine light, (Tzat..Allah), that with which man is connected to his Creator (AST). In the Hindu lores the first man or MANU (hence the word Manusia meaning man in Malay and man as in English), was a manifested devine spark that fell from heaven into the Himalayan mountains and upon impact sent miriads of sparks all over the planet and this was how mankind came into being.

" Gary Schwartz had witnessed the coherent photon stream emanating from from the hands of healers. After studying the works of scientists like Popp and Hameroff, he finally had his answers about the source of healing; if thoughts are generated as frequencies, healing intention is well ordered light."
The Intention Experiment, Lynne McTaggart.

The Buddhist Monk Thich Naht Hahn (one of my teachers at SF Zen Center) at ont time talked about the 'Interdependance of Coorigination', as he called it the fact that according to Buddhism the Universe is one complete whole whereby there is an ubroken interrelatedness of all the exist from the Galaxies to the tiniest of amoebas in the form of a dust particle stuck in the toenail of the Buddha. When the dust is removed from its positon the whole universe is symbiotically affected in one way or another, felt or unfelt seen or unseen. Hence the dropping of an atom bomb has needless to say an impact that is umimaginable throughout the Universe and its ripples is perhaps still rolling into oblivion till it settles. The impact was not only physical, it was psychological as well as spiritual in nature that our species has suffered from some reaping positive understanding while others found negative means to exploit human weaknesses through force/fear. No matter how we view the outcome of such cataclysmic event in our history it is a fact that collectively we are affected just as the whole of the Universe is affected. The adverse effects of the climate changes that is becoming alarmingly prevailent is not pure because of the fact that man has been burining too much carbon fuel alone or polluting the rives and oceans but it also is historically connected to bygone acts of stimulating the whole by indiscrimate acts such as nucklear testings and genetical manipulations of nature. Man has often assumed that his existance is independant and superior from the rest of nature and the universe as a whole and thus his actions reflects his inherent arrogance being the only thinking creature that walks the planet. Every once in a while a thought or phenomena,(not unlike a Zen knock on the head), gives rise to doubts about this perception of man in himself and when this happens he jumps at every opportunity to prove himself right or others wrong and in the scientifc realm this is an accepted norm no matter how insignificant the discovery may be, like that made by Cleve Backster of the sensitivity of plants towrds positive and negative stimuli and the ability for the plant kingdom to communicate with our human conciousness.

"Years after he made the discovery...he would think of this moment as one in which his plants picked up a major disturbance in the Force, he had discovered of measuring it.If plants could register the death of an organism three doors away, it must mean that all life forms were exquisitely in tune with each other.Living things must be regitring and passing telepathic imformation back and forth at every moment, particularly in times of threat or death". (In this casethe plant was registering the death of a group of brineshrimp being boiled two doors away).
The Intention Experiment. L. McTaggart.

Dedicated scientists and laypersons such Cleave Backster and Popp who spent a good amount of their time and life experimenting into the mysteries of nature and the simple act of communication has allowed modern man toespecially those in the west to be more open minded with the ways of the shamans and bush doctors, the native hunters and the fishermen whose life is often influenced by superstitions and so called mumbo jumbo by the western thinkers. It is only valid when it is egraved in the stones in black and white, tested and verified and certified before it is legititmate otherwise all thoughts and ideas beliefs and faiths will remain as such.
Despite the prejudices that inevitably has become the norm where knowledge and practices are concern in our civilization the western domination over scientific discoveries cannot overshadow the fact that in the east communing with nature has been a fact of life, that a man has the instinct to know where or what to or not do when it comes to nature is an accepted symbiotic knowledge handed down from his forefathers if notheing else but for his own survival. It is becuase of the lack of faith and later support in the eastern mode of healing and dealing with nature by the west that has inffected the estern minds with the slow but steady loss of their abilities to commune with nature and the rest of the universe which their ancestors had handed down to them. Hence the disregard for the well being of forest and rivers and the financial exploitation of our resources by every means possible regardless of the detrimental effects it creates. Ironically it is from the west that any form of healing towards these malaise would come in the form of knowledge- scientific discoveries and financial assistances as the enticements. It is the old cavalry charge to save the settlers from the impending massacre by the Indians, the west will always act with a certain taint of colonial mentality, the Aryan type superiority complex over the Easterners. The day est and west can come together in a symbiotic merge without pride and prejudice, fears or favors, that would be the day when Global healing can proceed through collective thought processes and hidden latent powers that the ancient ones had been trying to relay to our generation through all the religions and cultural and physiacal practices.
As noble a challenge as it may sound that is to be able to unite the entire human collective conciousness into a healing force in the effort to heal our ailling planet it is yet to be be seen if and when the minds of both eastern and western scientits and thinkers, statesment and religious gurus, shamans and plastic surgeons can at the end of the day come together and unite their thoughts and conciousness and create a Force in the Universe not like any ever encountered before... it might help us save the planet in not the Universe itself.

"You think youself insignificant and small, whereas within you is a Universe far greater than your mind can comprehend."
Saidina Ali (RA).

A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Yes even christmas came and went and I hardly felt any jubilation or anything special on this day that in the past used to be a part of my life where i would look forward to going home and finding my family waiting by the Christmas three and eyballing what was underneath. Nope not this time and far from it my children and i spent our day with me working at my cousin's catering business stirring the pots while my kids kept themselves glued to the TV. No one mentioned Christmas as it I felt would only usher in memories of my wife and how she loved Christmas times. Furthermore i had only four ringgit in my pocket which i left for my children to split between themselves for the day's meal. I latter arrived home to find that they had bought a can of tuna spread and a loaf of bread to go wirth which i gratefully shared with them. Yes life's a bitch and then you have to be thankful for being alive! Yessir! God don't like your complains much less listen to you moan and groan about life all through your god given span of allotted time on this planet! Well tell it to thiose who owe me three thousand Ringgit and decided that it is okey for them to delay the payment so long as i do not make any fuss about it!
Suffering without bitterness a friend once told me and this is a tough act to follow even for the best of us and Allah is the 'Tester' and test us He will to the max untill there is no more room for us to back but the corner where we will have to stand and face the ultimate test or perish there in. There are those the so called luckier ones who breezes through life without too much terpidations or even a minor jolt when it comes to destitution and poverty or social and psychological pressures and often enough they have even paid their dues for a ticket to heaven in the afterlife by their piety and chritable acts in this life. Then there are those who are always at logger heads with their own Maker so much so that as they aged and die their lot never seem to improve but gwets worse as time wore on by. They become more and more dejected and succumb to defeatism and despair. They give up their ability to rebound and take charge of their lives as they once used to blaming it on ageing and fate, I am becoming such a one and how I pray that before i die I will snap myself out of this quagmire and salvage my pride and dignity as a man worthy of calling himself the wholesome person created in the image of the Creator.
My most memorable Christmasses were the ones that I had celebrated in the US especially those I had spent in Green Bay, Wisconsin when I was till married to my first wife and spent the Christmas days with my mother in law and my son present. There was always piles of snow and sliding down the hill or riding slegh rides with son was part of the Christmas package. Later in the evening as almost everyone gathered in the tavern for a get together on Christmas Eve it was like in a whole different world where love and joy and genuine handshakes was for real and everyone was into making eachother happy even if it was for a day or two of their lives. Christmas gifts as commericalized as it seems to be makes everyone felt special to give and receive reagrdless of how small or how great they recieved. It was still an act of giving and receiving and it touched my heart everytime i sat and watched others opening their gifts amidst the warmth of the fireplace and chill outdoors. No matter what is said about Christmas or for whatever reasons it is being celebrated, this once a year celebration has my warmest feelings towards it and all the memories i had connected to it will always outweigh the traversities I am facing today. In shaa'Allah, there will be days like those in my life yet before i give up my holy ghost.
What and when was my my most memorable Christmas?
It was in 1990 and my wife had left for Illinois to spend Christmas with ther parents. I had to work Chrisatmas eve because there was an emergemcy at H&H Ship Services that had to be rectified or we would be facing a loss of a vacuum truck. The problem was that the driver, Norman Peterson had sucked intot he vacuum truck waht was wet cement and which was quickly solidifying insde the tank. had we let it sit we would have a solid piece of concrete inside the vaccuum truck. So we had to work emptying the content before it solidifies and it took us all evening obn Chrismas eve crawling wihtin the comfines of the vaccuum tank scrapping and shoveling sand concrete and water out of the tank.
Whe it was all over i was standing in the middle of market street waiting for the bus to take me home to Haight Street and i had bought some chicken and other stuff to cook myself a Christmas dinner in the form of a chicken curry. As i stood there in the middle of the street where there was an island for the bus to pull alonside I noticed a man half laying on the concrete slab struggling for his breath. He looked like he was having a seizure and no one was paying any attention to him as he laid there his body jerking and I felt sorry for him. I felt after a few seconds that I was in a vacuum where there was no sound whatsoever and i was looking at a silent movies with everyone else moving in slow motion, some walking pass by the man struggling on the slab with barely a change their paces. I walked over to him and dropping my packages began to stroke his chest slowly as I felt his chest was about to explode from his struggle to breath. His hand was clenched in a tight fist and his mouth was foaming with blood dripping along with his saliva. I stroked his chest and whispered into his ears to breath slowly and to stop struggling and as i did this he began to come to, his breathing seemed to slow down and his body started to drop on to the slab. As he began to gain control of himself I notice all the details in his features from the tight frightened painful look his facial line for line began to relax, the panic expression replaced by a calm dignified appearence.His fingers began to uncurl and he was letting go settlin into more gentle rythmic breathing. I kept massaging his chest and along came a police officer who asked me to stay with the man for a little longer untill they got help for him. As soon as I heard the abulance arriving I lifted my hands from the man's chest and as I felt the final contact between the tip of my fingers and his chest I felt his heart beating and it sent chills through me. I grabbed my stuff and head for the bus that was also about to stop at the Folsom and Market Street bus stand.
Sitting on the bus i felt the vacuum around me again but this time I felt strangely relieved of my aches and pains from work and my having to face the ordeal of bringing a man back from the edge. I felt very peaceful inside and outside and when I arrived home there was a kid sitting oin one of the houses with a bag pack beside him. He looked like he too was going to spend the Christmas by himself and so I offered him to join me but he turned me down politely and accepted the wine I had bought for myself when I offered it to him to keep himself warm for the night. I found out he was from Phoenix, Arizona and had just arrived that evening.
Although i had to spend the vening all to myself i was fully contented and the Christmas I celebrated that evening was the most joyful one i ever had after I had finished my plateful of chicken curry and topped with all kinds of spicy stuff i could pick from the grocery store in China Town, downtown San Francisco. That Christmas eve I came to understand how great life is and how fragile we are.
Even if life is a bitch sometimes, there is nothing that is not worth living for if your heart is ever thankful for what you already have.
In Islam we are taught to be thankful always no matter how worse off we are as we know deep within us that there are those worse off than we are. We can bitch and moan about the way life has been treating us the injustices and the insanities but we are humans for so long as we are breathing our life will be like a roller coaster or the wheel of life there days when you are down and days when you are up. When you are down look forward to getting up and when you are up look forward to coming down. This is riding the waves or going with the flow even if as the Buddha has pointed out that life is suffering my good friend Peter Oyimbo reminded me that it is suffering without bitterness!
SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDIL ADHA!!
A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A PROPEROUS AND PRODUCTIVE NEW YEAR!!

Aidil Adha (Hari Raya Haji)

It came and went yesterday and i hardly noticed it if not for the early morning prayer at the mosque which I followed while half asleep in my bed feeling rotten about myself and how worse off i have become especially in my spiritual being. The Aidil Adha is celebrated primarily by those who have gone on the pilgrimage to the Holy Land and it involves the sacrificing of an animal by those who pledge such sacrifice towards the ALMIghty, Allah (SWT). It has to do with the covenant made between Allah (SWT) and his Prophet,Abraham in the effort to test the later's faith towards his Maker. Allah in this case had demanded that Abrham as test of his faith was to sacrifice his only son to Allah and this Abraham willingly carried out despite all his human emotions and attachments towards his only son, Ismail. Only Allah (SWT) in His infinite compassion at the very nick of time substituted Ismail with a sheep thus sparing the life of the boy. Henceforth, the Muslims had accepted the incident as a reminder in their history of their covenant with Allah through their beloved Prophet Abraham. For more detail and correct information on the subject I advise you to read it from amore authentic source and dont take my story to be exact.
I decided to join the festivity despite my feelings and headed on to the mosque where I learned that they were getting ready to slaughter three cattles in the nearby yard. I had always wanted to do some sketches of these scenes in the past and never got the chance simply because chances were that I would be handling the knife myself lending my expertise as a meat cutter of years gone by. I worked as a 'boner' for almost three and half years in Green Bay, Wisconsin when I first arrived in the US sometime in 1974 onwards. I worked in a packing house where we were packing cold storage meats for the making of hamburgers. If I had learned anything from this experience it was that to keep your knives sharp at all times!! A sharp knife makes a difference between making good tallies or going home with sore arms especially at the wrists. In the effort of keeping the knives sharp four things have to be mastered and that is the use of the grinder initially in order to put and edge on the blade, then the used of the sandstone or honing stone to make the edge last,the third and fourth care of the knife involves the expert use of the 'steel' and the 'ceramic' which helps to keep a sharp edge on the knife for a longer period of time. The mastering of these techniques makes one a master boner. The packing house I worked for at the time used to process about 900 to 1000 heads of cattle a day. The cold condition and the wet floors, the fierce compettition and the nature of the works itself can eventually turn one into a cattle. It was a dehumanizing work but ti was created me as a man who survived the worse that America had to offer for the next twenty years.
So watching my fellow kampong friends slaughtering the cattles did not have much of an impact on me as far as blood and guts goes. I took it all as another visual set of images that is in its raw form both aesthetically and emotionally invigorating. I enjoy the sense of being a part of an age old practice as primeaval as mankind himself except for the use of the chainsaw. The crowd gathered for the occaission were just as pleasing to observe and enjoy and the day went by with somethigbn positive manifesting instead of just another product of a manic depression or even despair for me who lately these days have been waking upon the wrong side of the bed.

Why do I Keep This Justifying Myself?

I am fully aware of the fact that I have been complaining,trying to justify, trying to make sense out of what is the mundane in my life and from any philosophycal or psycological perspective most people would agree that this is not a healthy or productive practice. "No one like to read about your complains or your need to explain your life away." I have been told by one or two close friends and i agree with their views on this matter. Life is too short for one to spend so much of it analyzing and scrutinizing it till there is no more room for one to make any mistakes from it when all is researched and verified. It is not my intention to do this from the start but it seems to have developed along the way as I keep this on going journal, I find that writing about my day to day experience has some form of benifit for me. I am by nature a ver y careless individual and I have always been careless about what my life is all about least of all in trying to explain myself of how or wherefore i am at. I like to believe that i live in the moment like most great philosophers or intellects profess htemselves to be doing but who am i kidding?

KFC Time!!

Saturday! I feel like a fool as I often do whenever I get kicked in my butt and it is always time to reflect upon the small miracles that my Maker awards me with in the nick of time. I got my one thousand ninehudred from my friend Shaparel who got paid for the works purchased by the USM Gallery. The monay was handed me yesterday not half an hour after I had moaned and groaned about how life sucks on the blog. When he handed me the cash for the purchase of my works I felt goosebumps all over relfecting on fast the Al MIghty decideds to teach me yet another lesson on perseverence and of being patient. I have always maitained a love hate relationship with Allah (SWT) throughout my life but I have the feeling that my Creator has more in store for me than meets the eye;He is not going to make it easy for me, nope, not in this life. He tests me every step of the way to see if I would make it or break, if I can remain steadfast or buckle down under a little bit of pressure, if I am greatful or forgetful whenever I am given the bounty that I had received.
Today I spent one hundred and fifty Ringgit worth of KFC for the staff at the Muzium as a token of my appreciation for their help and support of my being in their midst utilizing the facility and all the tools and equipments available at my dispossal. I am very fortunate more than most and realize it and appreciate it no doubt in my mind as in my situation as an artist who for the first time am trying to remain a full time artist earning my daily bread through my works as an artist to support myself and my two children. The rent has be paid in full and my son got his school uniform and his walkman which was waht I had owed him from using his money earlier. I have paid back the ferw ringgit here and there that I had owed people and I feel alot lighter in mind and spirit and on Monday I hope to drive to the immigration office and collect my children's visas and pay the 240RM fee.Oh what a relief it is at least for the moment.

My Son is drifting...

What has he done for his school vacation not too much anything but alot of watching DVDs at home all by himself like he is hoping for something to happen to his mind after all is watched and rewatched for the umteenth times. I am both sad and disturbed by the fact that he has become worse that a couch potato, as we do not have any couches and he watches the movies from the bed instead. I watched alot of times when I am home and we talked some about what we watched I try to slip in a lesson or two in English or geography or sometimes the psychology behind the scene and so on whenever he is paying attention or he ask something. Thers is the pros and cons to this situation as he spends alot of time off the streets and seems to be looking for something is all these. But of the other hand he is not out there like other kids his age chasing girls or building his biceps.
I am a little disturb about my son's lack of enthusiasm in living in the real world and tasting success and defeat hands on. I know he is not unintelligent and as a matter of fact I think he is pretty way out there in his mind except when it comes to doing the simple things in life like picking up after himself. it is a common phenomena for all kids to behave in like manner but some kids are just total loss when it comes to taking care of the little tings in life. Its like they believe there is someone else out there who is assigned to follow behind them and pick up the pieces after them, like their mother or a servant. I cannot blame my son for lack of passion about life as I am not either and this he sees and he hears from me day in day out. He knows the fact that if it is not against my belief and principle and if it is not against the common laws I would have gladly ended my miserable existance right now. I am living for sake of fulfilling my alotted time and hoping for and end as soon as possible. I learned a long time ago that I am a coward when it comes to suicide and so I have become an expert at justifying knowing that I am not convincing anyone not even myself. So it is with my son, I feel sorry for him and the more I watch his condition the more I feel the regret of making the move to return to this country.
It is Friday today and i spent the afternoon at the muzium working on what might turn into my longest painting, a scroll of that will be filled with heritage buildings around Georgetown in black and white. I don't even know why I bother to waste so much time and money over this project but I feel it is keeping my mind from tilting towards insanity if not despair with life and God. It is also perhaps because I was offered the scroll as a challenge to carry out the project by the Dean Professor Najib. I should have gone to pray at the mosque but my heart is bleeding too much for me to concentrate on God and begging Him again to forgive me for my ever incessant weaknesses. I miss my family,my wife, my daughter and even my son who is drifting away from me into his own world of make believe, a safe heaven from the madness that i have dragged him and his sister into after loosing my wife to her illness. Who do i turn to or what do I turn to when even God is not a comfort anymore? I spend my time making pictures and my heart is not into it. It seems Fridays always brings me down, spiritually it is the nadir of my life for the week and as a Muslim it is an irony to be at odds with your Maker on this day or days.

Climate Change continued...

"The bottom line is that the Global energy system is out of alignment with the ecological system that sustains our planet....Realignment will take fundamental shift in regulation, market incentives and international cooperation". So stated Kevin Watkins of the UNited nations intergoverment Panel on climate change. There is an inbalance in the Force! as Yoda the Jedi Master would have muttered to himself with a sad shrug of his shoulders signifying the futility of dwelling upon the inevitable. If it is up to humans this planet would be turned into one huge condominium complete with swimming pools and gymnaziums, a market place and shopping malls, parking lots and garages,(we are addicted to motorised vehicles), if it is up to us humans we would turn this planet into
one huge nursing home for the elderly and whatever else that we deem would serve our purpose in our short span of life on this planet. Balance? What is the need for balance if all our needs are met with and not only are they met with they are met with in style and comfort unparralled in our own history. We are a living organism that has come to realize our potential and that potential is inexhaustable or so we believe. So long as we are hardworking and productive we will keep on creating as we will and manage this planet till there is no more of it to manage.
Does an average man on the street realize the imbalances in the nature of things in this planet of our? Is he aware the the ocean is rising due to the melting of the polar caps and so on? Off course he is and he does care or that is what we who write and read about these things would want to believe but in reality the man who repairs the engines of broken down cars and motor cycles has these thoughts as far from his mijd as the thought of a meteor coming crushing down on his head one bright sunny day. Talk to these individuals sit and shoot the breeze, have a teh tarik and browse upon these subjects and see if there is any concern for them over the matters that you believe is of life and death importance for this planet of ours. It is best to talk of the latest model of cars coming off the lines or the latest sex scandal or the political climate of the kampung and you will find better response, not of climate changes. The most that you can learn from these members of our human race is the fact that it is raining more than usuall at the wrong sides of the mountain ranges for this time of year and that is not good for the Durian trees or for the rice growers.
Those participants who are presently sitting at the conference tables in Bali deliberating the state of the Planet due to Global Warming and Climate Changes have the work cut out for them. Nature is going AWOL, Nature is no more respecting her predestined courses nor is she sticking to her regular schedules. If anyone of those who are there in this Island Paradise is not aware or refuse to acknowledge the state of this planet's well being is in jeopardy they aught to be sent home in a box sooner than they can say Tsunami! Nothing really profound came out of the KYOTO Accord other than the ladaisical smooth talking and lips servicing that most governments gave over the years each dragging their feet towards taking any significant action towrds finding a solution to the predicament mankind as a whole is facing. How many more years and natural disasters, how many more species and land masses are lost before there will be a real collective effort globally to address this impending spectre that is threatening our very planet itself?
Is the planet heating up from within?
Is the Planet heating up from without?
Is man affecting this changes in the planet's climate?
Is there a need to be concern?
Is there a need for change in our mindset in these issues?

What do we leave our future generations and what are our excuses?
What is holding us back from seeing the obvious and acting collectively, intelligently?
What would it take for us to wake up before it is too late.
What is the sense of calling our era a civilized one if we are the cause of our own demise.

The UN Climate Change Summit-Bali

I was at the Kyoto COP-3 UN climate change summit and had not be able to participate because I was not a member of any NGO or any government bodies representing a nation, I was there as an individual artist who happened to have put together a year' worth of Newspaper cuttings frome the Japan Times of anything and everything that had to do with the environment. These were displayed outside the convention center where arriving guests to the convention were able to catch a glimpse of what was going on with the environmental issues at the time. The four pieces of display foam boards covered with the news paper cuttings were later borrowed by an NGO contingent from Washington DC in the USA and taken into the convention center where they were hung on display. I was proud to have done my part and for my effort to be taken further than I had expected by chance. The boards were later sent to me back in Sendai whaere I was living after the Convention was over with a beautiful thank you note.
I had most probably wrote about this episode somewhere earlier in my blog but I cannot help it whenever there is a UN Climate Convention happening I am reminded of my trip to Kyoto curtesy of The Director od the Kawaijuku Bunri in Sendai. Thats who sponsored my trip when I cpould not get the Malaysian Embassy or the Japan Times to do it. I found it hard time and again for an individual tomake any significant impact without some form of support from those who has the means and by humanistic rights should offer help for anyone aspiring to be of use to the benifit humanity for whatever cause. Artists are those who more than often fall into the category of needing help when it comes to this situations. They are most passionate about these issues that often does not attracts the average person on the street as there is no financial gains to be made for one thing and for most there is lack of awareness or even interest. But for the artist and i can speak for myself at least what happens to the environment, the state of the planet as a whole and to humanity in general affects me personally whether I like it or not. I dwell on issues that an average normal person would care less about throughout my life i remember dealing with global issues of one form or another in my mind like trying to find some form of solution to the problem with AIDs and the wars being fought all over the world, the famine and starvation plaguing poorer nations and the impact of global warming upon the planets' well being. I keep reminding myself, how dumb it can be for me to think that there is anything worthwhil that would come out of it except mega migraines at the end of the day. I keep reminding myself that I am no Bodhisatva of Compassion and even if i am the destiny of this planet and its inhabitants are foretold and has to be played out with or without my intervention.
The water will rise and the temperatures will rise and the species will one by one disappeare and there is not much that can be done for so long as there are humans like me plaguing the planet with my needs, my Greed, Hate and Dellussions. I am the thinking creature that is capable to create, preserve or destroy this planet and at the rate and direction my kind is heading it dont seem like there is much to hope for in terms of saving this planet from slipping into darkness. I wish as a collective concious there is some form of telepathic wavelength that we humans could stay in touch amidst all these scream of death and destruction, or thirst for power and lack of compassion. I wish we could all hear the voice of silence every once in awhile so that we could take a clearer look at where we are at at this point in time and what we are doing to ourselves and to this planet of ours, to our fellow creatures and the rest of sentient being inhabitting this small atom in the galaxy of galaxies.
How can we not feel responsible, how can we not feel the loss of extinction of species or the cries of desperation from those that we in our ignorance and lack of awareness have exploited and trample upon just so we can get our wants. We would dare to do whatever it takes to survive but when it comes to the survival of the rest of the creatures we turn a deaf ear and make believe that they dont exist or dont matter in our lives. We would kill in the name of our belief system, our race or religion but we cannot save a tree from being cut down or burnt to the ground just so we can grow crops that financially benifit us and us alone. We can never have enough or play second fiddle to anyone else in appearence or intellect, we are creatures that often forget that we are fragile and that our life can come to an abrupt end at any time and all that we have been craving for, killing for making others miserable for is all an illusion. There is not a dirt or an atom of what we are or who we are remains when it all comes to an end in ourselves. The planet itself may still keep on spinning despite all that is going on aimed at its self destruction but we as individuals matters no more when we let out our last breath of air. Our physical self is left to rot in the ground, food for the miriads of worms and maggots, this body the we so proudly fought and defended, cherished and cared for.

Blogging under scrutiny?

The Star Sunday 2 December-Focus article entitled 'Caught In a Web- Spin' is the latest take of prominant leaders on the pros and cons of Blogging. How it affects the polls or the individual characters who are the loudest in the country, the way the government is run or the fish is bought and sold legally or illegaly on the the high seas. Blogging had captured the attention of the who is who in the itellectual as well as the government bureaucracies just like the illegal processing of belacan in some off the road hidden boonies. Just as bad belacan affects all of us lovers of the fermented shrimp paste that is most popularly used in making The Sambal, blogging is becoming a threat to many who is feeling insecure from having to share their sense of well being and intelligence, their limit of understanding and compassion, their comfort and security living within ivory towers. The Blog is becoming like the Blob! It is becoming a boogieman that spells danger, that is beginning to be seen as somethig that can shake the foundations of higher learning around the globe as it is the result of collective universal thoughts that will eventually be expressed when all is said and done in the blog! The blog is within the Net or Jala!or Jaring! You need to pick up one strand of the net and the whole comes up at you with its force and weight, here you are dealing with the ultimate collective Mind! It may not be as apparent as it is now but in time all decisions made concerned with humanity and its self preservatiion will come via the blogging or better programes yet to be discovered by the collective unconcious. The Blog is only the beginning just as the Net itself was a beginning. Welcome to 'Cyber Space!'
There are and will always users and abusers just as it being the case of alcohol or drug users in the human realm, there will be morons and geniuses out to proof their points, let the world know their existance and how great or how small they actually are. But all in all the Universal Collective Spirit, the Collective Mind that rules the Net even at its subconxcious state is the ultimate Creator and Preserver of the sanctity of the Blog.
A comment by the MCA Kota Melaka MP, Nai Chee is and for sometime from now be the normal stance to be taken by those who feels the need to make comments or be heard on matters,
" The Government is still trying to live with the new development. We are still in the infancy stage but one of the guarantees of the Multimedia Super Corridor was not to curb the internet content except maybe using certain legislation to control the situation."
Here is the kind of oxymoron that we humans in our present state of mind still live by, it is the few attempting to silence a storm that the very few hard helped to generate in the past. The few whose thinking process is haunted by insecurities of their own positions and advantages in this day and age and cannot see beyond the sense of letting things grow into its own maturity and drop to the ground of its own without any form of control or force.'...maybe using certain legislation to control the situation', control what? Governments has done nothing but strived to control anything and everything that it cannot understand, refuse to understand or assumes that it understands in history often enough failling to realize that the very act of controlling itself is what fuels the growth of what is deemed needed to be controlled. Only the insecure and comfortably positioned individual would resort to such antiquated ideas AND THE NET IS NOT AN ANTIQUE, IT IS AN ALIVE AND EVOLVING ENTITY! If you are not par with the thoughts and ideas that is floating around in the blogs today you had better reserve making any judgment about how to control it. By reading and analyzing a few politically motivated entries by individuals whose narrowmindedness could only see the means to exploit and abuse any god given grace to their own benifit one has failed to understand the nature of the Blog.
Nai Chee went on to admit to this as he said,
"We can't control it, we just have to acclimate ourselves to it."
Acclimate ourselves to what is currently floating in the collective expression of the universal mind is more acceptable a statement from a minister than suggesting control. The need to control has its validity when it concerns the exploitation of net by unscrupulous degenerates such as those that ply their sexualy oriented wares making it sure that even children can excess them or those who has no sense of self respect voicing out obscenities so the world can hear their grievances, but these too has their rights in the scheme of life it is for those who makes the difference in making decisions that affects other lives to seive acclectically through what is acceptable and what is not. The politician is a genius when it come to politicking just as a fisherman is a genius when it comes to fishing and the two has to learn to respect eachother's roles in life without taking advantage of the empowerment of status or positions one has in life to dictate.

I have been writing these thoughts of mine for almost three years now and have almost become addicted to it. It seems to grow upon me and have become a part of my creative repertoire the collective expression of my thoughts and ideas about life as I see it. Having had the opportunity to live in the US for 21 years and 3 years in Japan and having travelled to twenty odd countries in between my mind is no ordinary mind that simply likes to sit a weather away with age into oblivion. My mind is in a constant state of aggitation and flux and when it sense that there is an injustice or a radically wrong stir in the heavens or a bad taste left in the mouth, it rings out to be heard, to manifest its own obeservations in the hope that it can calm itself down with some form of sanity or peace. MaKING SENSE OUT OF NONSENSE, most of the time I write to myself just to help clear my own cobwebs that is constantly accumulating in my head. A futile effort at cleaning up my own clossets, my own toilet, my own soul before I am called to account for what it was that I was created to do in the first place or who am I or what the hell am I?
So I blogged! I keep on rambling of things that I doubt if it matters anymore one way or another so long as my mind sees the need to express itself. And why Not! Just got done reading Alan Watts's article ,"The World as Emptiness", from his seminar given on the subject of Emptiness. It is ironic that after having read this whole article I come to realize that what i am doing is actually emptying my mind, letting go of whaever that is stuck in there or got attracted along the way like having read the Star news paper article on Blogging! It is not the most important thing in my life at this moment to view my thoughts on the subject but it is something to do. I would rather very much like to sit somewhere doing a sketch on my piece of scroll given to me by the Dean Encik Najib but I am procrastinating for no obvious reason and i hate to push myself to become involved in creating when my mind just could not get it together in the first place. Creating has to happen without any formn of compell or coercion, it just has to happen and for it to just have to happen there has to be an empty space in my mind or my being devoid of transgressions of feelings that is occupying my mind. In other words i have to find peace of mind a mind free from worries of what is beyond my control anyway. To do this I have to sit and let it go and all these while i have been sitting and letting it all go through writing all these that i have written. Now i feel a little empty and enlighten! if anyone had the nerve or taken the trouble to follow this piece of scatology he or she might have caught a little of the wisdom beyond wisdom of the whole principle of form and emptiness. I may have procrastinated about doing the sketching but i have sat and wrote a long piece of my distorted view of life, sat out of harm's way for the day and caused no grief or commotion to anyone but myself and watched another day passed getting me closer towards my self anihillation and becoming one with the void.

The Immigration Department experience- revisited

I arrived early in the morning at the Penang Immigration Department Office building at Padang Kota Lama. Found a parking space and made sure there was enough coins dumped into the meter to cover at least two hours of waiting. Lined up for the information and service numbers only to be told that the processing of student visas is no more done at this office and is now done in Seberang Jaya, across the channel. So off I went not letting the aggravation gets the better of me as it had done in the past so many times before. Fortunately for me i made it to the ofiice without too much hassle of finding the location and parking too was not a heartache. For those who has no experience of living in a scorching hot country like Malaysia all these little trivias can spell a catastrophy if one's luck is not in its good posture. Just driving around locating an office can be a painful experience if not for yourself it would be hard on the vehicle not to mention the fuel spent.

The Seberang Jaya Immigration office is relativelly new but already the early set on of lack of maintainance is already showing especially on the seats. Malaysians have a very long road ahead when it comes to cleanliness and the proper use of public property, there is a seriou lack of civic conciousness among the common folks in this country. The attitude it seems will never change for so long as it is not one's own property the hell with it, or let someone else pick up the garbage why should I be bothered, its not mine, not my home, not my toilet! The service at the counter was a pleasant change as the two ladies who attended to my needs were more than pleasant and even sympathetic. However due to a lack of document that the education department had not issued me I was told that nothing could be done untill I make another trip back to the education department and procure what is needed. So off i went back across the Penang bridge to Bukit Gambier and demanded for the pertinent document while keeping my literally overheated emotions under controll. By the end of the day I managed to get my children's papers filed away and it would be ready in a week to the tune of RM240 for two years. As i did not have the money I was told I could pay it up when I come to collect the documents.
Thus another major hurdle in my life is about to be overcome as far as papers and documents are concerned. It aint over yet but it is just as good as accomplished and it was a long tedious trip getting all these done simply because I lacked the financial resources. In more than one ways I was lucky that i got away with not paying my children school fees for two consecuttive years thus leaving the validity of their travel documents in question. Call it being being irresponsible, I call it being completely broke and making priorities out of what was needed day to day for my children and myself to stay alive without having to do too much begging or stealing. These were leaasons in staying alive and yet be able to accomplish what not too many can boast of at the same time, like having a solo exhibition at a prestigious Muzium Gallery for a whole two months!

In right out left

The money made at the Little Penang Street Market on Sunday is fully utilized to pay for my two childrens'elated school fees covering three years amounting to the tune of One thousand four handred RM. I was short of one payment as i did not have enough to cover Rm240 for my daughter's 2008 school fees. Boring!! These are the most tedious aspects of life that one dont normally talk about much less write about for others to read! But... hey, life's a bitch someone in his or her infinite wisdom once said and then you die! What makes great things in life is the most tedious things that one can overcome and turn around into great things despite its tediousness. Sit and watch the grass grow the Zen master once said, effortlessness, inactive action, detatched involvement, to pluck the lotus without wetting the fingers.However, no matter how or where or when we look it, life and its trivials are merely grist for the mill and the mill keeps on grinding with or without the grist. We can choose to play along with the game and excell despite all the pressures and tedium or we can buckle underneath and be buried by the dead weight that we have accumulated throughout our lives. So called problems that we face day to day ius not going to poof! and disappear no matter what we may think or do, they are like weeds that ever grows as soon as we remove existing ones. Karmas! The Buddhas said, ancient and twisted karmas! Born through body, speach and mind!

I was almost given the run around again by the lady that was handling my case and i felt it coming the moment she decided to ask if the paper works ahd been checked by the 'other' office and this after she had collected my money and made out the receit. I told her I made doubly sure what i needed to do through the school pricipal's office and they had found out from the Education department that i am to make my payment at her office and that all my files were already with her office. Then it all started to unravel like another horror show as she started insisting that they had no files on my case and that I needed to drive all the way back to the'other office' and get everything checked an so forth. Afteer almost getting me all riled up she finally got someone on the phone from the 'other' office who okeyed for the payment to be made. One phone call!! Damn them! and Damn their upgraded computerized system that is supposed to make life simpler for the common folks! What is most aggravating was the fact that while handling my case she was also busy figuring out the off days for her fellow office workers.
I cannot imagine what it must be like for those who lack the means and knowhow in dealing in these matters, the paper works alone would kill an average man on the street and now i have to go back to the Education office in Bukit jambul and start another long process of filing for the renewal of my children's Foreign Student Visas which would ultimately be dealt with by the Immigration department. This is the part and parcel of being a part of the Global Community, for having chosen to live life in these days and age of a borderless society! Live and learn, from the faults and mistakes of people like me and my family it is hopefully realized that there aught to be a more humane and compassionate ways of dealing with registering and filing of paperworks that would not leave a bad taste at the end of the trail. From my experience and personal dealings with most of the government personells I learn that most are happy to help but really does not know how and when things gets a little tight or confusing it is best to drop a bomb or two on subject and make the one who needs the help do the run around to find the solution. How thankful it makes you feel finding one soul working in a Government Agency who cared and solve your problems to the best of his or her ability simply by doing his or her job as paid to do so. Woe unto you when you come up against an ego that had gotten up on the wrong side of the bed that same morning or whose application for a short vacation had not been approved!!
Its a mindset most people would agree when it comes to being served by the System's bureaucracy and does not really reflect the whole. The Malaysian Government Agencies are mostly run by Malays with a cultural and aptitude and attitude of their own. Knowing how to deal with these care givers is an art especially if and when one is at a disadvantage like not being able to afford a payment or short of a pertinent piece of paper. Malays do not like to be talked down to and are very sensitive when it comes to value judgements but they are flexible if and when the situation demands as they have a greater sense of tolerance than most other races. How you talk to an officer and how youplead your cases makes alot of difference in whether you can get a decent help or fail miserably and have to bear the paper chase. State your case as clearly and honestly as you can and chances are you will find a sympathetic ear and get your case solve with little confusion or even aggravation. Government officers are human who has to deal with humans everyday of their working life and thus they have become accustomed to dealing with all kinds of individuals and circumstances. I am just another case, a number in the filing system that they have to deal with and they help to solve my issues to the best of their abilities.

LittlePenang Street Market

It was a beautiful Sunday, sunshine but not overpoweringly hot and no rain! It reminded me of a San Francisco Block Party or the Embakadero Flea market on the water front of the Bay Area. A great crowd of people mostly the higher income bracket and a good turnout of foreign tourists. My works were well received with a good number of genuinely curious visitors who wanted to know what a mono-print is and how it is made. I made a few great new friends young and no so youngpeople who seemed to have alot of positive energy and motivated to get things done especially in making it a happening for the street fare. Penang needs this event as it showcases a good repetoire of many talented artists and craftsmen from around the city. There were also a great turnout of local musical talents and a few far out jazz and blues singers. All in all it was a beautiful day the flew by fast.
I sold five pieces of my monoprints and made about one thousand odd RM which will go immediately to the Education department to pay for my childrens' school fees. The sales came in the nick of time and what can one say but thank you Lord for the small graces that You provide through Your Care and Love for those who are in need. I am most grateful to my friend Encik Joe Sidek whose compassion made it possible for me to take a breath of relief from the financial pressures than has been threatening to bury me deep into despair. It is for these individuals who emerges out of the blue if my times of need that I create despite all the odds that had laid against my chances of a success. It is also in these types of individuals that one find it impossible to envy their wealth or affluence for their charitable hearts more than makes it up for what they have.
I hope the Little Penang Project keeps growing and bacome a more regular event without loosing its quality of products and presentations. Although it may cost a little more to buy the products here it is worth the cost when viewed at as a whole scenario of epole from all over the world having a good time like a grand Block Party.

Meeting Great Minds

My friend Joe Rosli Sidek came by the Muzuem Gallery with two of his friends a lady who is suppose to write a little about me for the upcoming event at the Little Penang event nex Sunday and then there was Latif Kamaluddin a poet writer and a faculty member of USM whose appearence kind of reminds me of Hebert Alpert or better known as Baba Ram Das author of the famous spiritual guide book "Be Here Now". Kamaluddin, despite his appearence that would throw off your average man on the street is a very deep thinker and not someone who would frivolously pick his companions or who he hangs out with and so I feel privillaged meeting such a character like meeting Guirdjief in the foot hills of Georgia.
We talked mostly of myself with Kamaluddin giving me the rundown on how to make it and why not about my survival as a full time artist in Penang. I need to get myself a job as i have always did iin the past if I am to stay alive and porvide support for my children. From his honest views I tned to agree with him as i am beginning to see very little prospect at making it as full time artist and there seem no resourses that is available for retired veterans of the Arts in a country like this, artist just dont count when it comes to benifits and such. The actors and writers guild are only recently getting recognition for thier contributions in the past and the government are now acknowledging the fact that these individuals deserve to receive pensions or gratuities for their life long careers. But in the fine arts painter and sculptors, ceramists and weavers are yet to be accounted for as part of the work force that is covered under the government pension funds.
The artists of old had depended on the 'Patrons of the Arts' in their respective societies for thier financial support and most were under the patronship of the ruling class. Their works were often purchased upon completion by thier 'managers' who then send it to the actual buyers. The Artist is gauranteed an income and has little need of wheeling and dealing in the financial transactions or his works. This does not exist anymore and the number of artisits has grown so much so that it is almost impossible for such a system to exist. Todat the term connections is more in use than patrons of the arts. It is who you know that sells not who you are. Most fortunate artists finds themselves one or two corporate buyers through their connections and these buyers are not too many these days as are art collectors.
As I listened to Kamaluddin I began to realize that somewhere i have missed my calling, my works are now more as valuable as they had once seemed at least their worth in the market is not that great an asset and I need to come up with a viable backup plan if i am to survive. I need to explore all other possibilities in th job market, whatever that is left out there for one who is over the working age as myself. If it is not for the needs of my children the problem would not be that dire as i would enjoy very much to just turn my face away from it all and join the monastic practice first chance i get.

Its the FLU!!

The caughing is what will kill ya! Sometimes you feel like like your whole chest is about to rip apart from the sudden expansion and explosive exhalation just to clear the throat from the irritating mucus buildup at the back of the throat. When I am in this state of being I feel useless and handicapped especially in dealing with answering questions about my life and what I have in mind about the state of world. However it is during these moments in time in my life too that i often discover something new about myself or even catch a glimpse of hope manifesting in the form of a delirium or restless medically induced dreamstates. New thoughts, new insights new perceptions would break to the surface when I least expect and then my mind would spin into action trying to bring into realization all that these revelations may imply or has to offer. In other words even in being sick I am looking for a positive angle to move on into new realms of expressions.
The owners of Gallery 'Little Penang" are keen on having my works on display at their next Sunday Bazaar show which is located in front of the E&O Hotel at the end of Penang Road. I look forward to this show and hope that I can be productive at the show too.

The Dream last night

It was one of those dreams that lingers onto your waking state leaving you with either total depression or total elation and this fortunately had an elated feeling about it. In this dream there lights in the skies like in any dream it was man made partly just to let you think of lights in the sky. Then there were stones dropping from the skies like precious stones not your ordinary gravel kind that would kill you if one caught you in the head. These were cut square stones like jades and rubies only larger than normal. They seem to fall right through roof tops leaving square holes in them and then the one stone that came sliding by me slid right into a groove of what seemed like the third eye of a statue of a buddha and fixed itself there. I felt an explanantion inside me telling me that this is the Bodhisatva of Compassion, it is for me to accept what is inevitable in my life and act accordingly for i have become a Bodhisatva of compassion having been entertaining the children and giving away what i can ill afford and all the small gestures of kindnesses that i have been sharing with those who needed them, all these have not gone unnoticed. I felt reliefed, sad but releifed like a load was lifted off my shoulders and i cried into the morning while sitting on the bed.
After that ideas kept pouring into my head as to what my future moves would have to be and how to fac the oncoming predicanments with regard to my children's future and they all seemed so simple enough as they were played before my eyes but one thing I understood and know my course of action would be is that the first opportunity I get i will renounce this life and enter a Buhhist monastery wherether here of in Sri Lanka where my father was originally from. I would like to die with a very clear head and I belief in this day and age the Bikhus or mendicant monks are one of the very few who walk this earth with the purity of a lotus amidst muddy waters. I dont know how or when this is going to happen but this is what will happen to me, this life that i am leading has become toatlly meaningless and a waste of good karma.
There will be alot of noise from my family, maybe, not that they have given a shit of what is happening to my children and I right at this moment and my friends and relatives here might be a little disturbed by the fact that i am leaving Islam or becoming an apostate, blah, blah. I do not renounce and will not and cannot renounce my true being that of being at one with my Creator, Allah (SWT). Between my Lord and I the covenant is sealed even as this writing at this moment in time and space testifies to this fact and furthermore at my age I need not justify anymore to anyone religious or otherwise.
Only my two children are my source of concern at the moment as they are still under my supervision and i am bound and obligated to care for their wellfare till they are of age. I have been preparing them mentally and spiritually towards facing the inevitable of the uncertain future of which thanks mainly to the Governmant Bureaucracies have made life short of miserable for all of us since we landed into this country, my home. My wife may Allah keep her has given up and her shell now sits somewhere ina Nursing home in Illinois waiting the final cut and i will never see her again to say how sorry I am for not being with her and protecting her from these pains she suffers. I had dragged her here from Japan where she was most happy doing what she had love best, teaching ESL, I took all that from her so that she can come here to become converted to Islam! What an irony! She came here to suffer from day one at the hands of the insensitve, heartless Ilamic religious department personels till the day she left the country not knowing anymore who she really is. For this i bear all resposibilities, I I took her happiness and in return gave her uncertainties and grief that today haunts my two children as well.
Somewhere in the distant lands of the Alpine, Switzerland another of my debunckle, a mistake that has far flung consequences till this day in the form of an angry young man who wants to know his true father and what a dissappoint this father has turned out to be for him. I am truly sorry to both my son and most of all to his mother and there is no amount of justification that can erase my shame and disgust at myself. But as far my son is concern i am proud to have a son and who knows we will one day sit face to face yet and make things happen for the best.
I have taken many wrong turns in my life and most of it was done with no thoughts in mind, most were spontaneously undertaken without hope or recourse, but thses were mostly done when i was alone, living on my own and making decisions for myself. Now I have responsibillities to others for whom I am obligated to fulfill as thus anyhting or any move i need to make i have to consider the outcome for them more than for myself. What is liberation? What is the deliverance from cares that Shaikh Kadir Al-Jilani has been preaching about? What is quality of life? Are we to exist merely as cattles following the dictates of manipulators and shysters who gets away with murders simply because? Are we not created as the Keepers of the laws, Caliphas, wardens of this domain? Why do we allow the shrewed few flog us into submission so much so that we can be marched into the bull pen to be counted for the slaughtering? They wear their masks to perfection disguising their looks to deceive the unweary. Closest friends or so called, the so called care givers with fancy names like NGOS, the esteem Educators whose moral virtues is as deep as their pocket linings eyes and ears always peeled at whatever fortune there to be made along with their regular salaries, the law keepers, what a joke this has become for us lesser people the law enforcers of old at least were deadly serious, they shoot first before they ask today you end up having to pay for every law they keep. Politicians! No! There is nothing worth saying here.
Yes I am bitter, especially when at the last Friday prayer which I attended at the Sungai Pinang Mosque, my native kampung, the Imam pointed out that there were more fancy fans inside the building than there were worshippers. The Mosque's safety box was broken into twice and what are we the Kampung folks doing about it. THis would not have happened in the Sungai Pinang of old! If i could have spoken I would have shouted at him to wake up and smell the sewerage that they have been processing in the kampung area or take a look at the building across the street from the mosque a see who resides within this entire complex if not foreigners. Please! The original Sungai Pinang guy is a rare specie in this village! Next time stop building big mosques that way you will not have problem filling it up all the time.
Now that I have got most of the crap off my chest let me see if I can make sense out of it all. I need to step away from this whole mess and reasses, re evalutate, I need to recharege my enrgies and recuperate from this cold and this negative vibes that has been hitting my family. It is worse than a curse and I definitely got to end it or it will eat me up. I have to find new gates to knock on to open and enter, new ideas, new thoughts new paradimgns, new whatever it takes to break loose from the vicious hold this parasite has on me and mine. Time to don my armour, unsheath the sword of wisdom and cut through this illusion this veil that is shielding me from what is my goal. Time to die! and be reborn!

Desperation is not a good feeling

Today I came very close to breaking down what a shrink would consider as a nervous breakdown but I only sat and cried on my bed and after a long quiet sitting I managed to compose myself and decided to turn my face away from all the crap that is bugging me. I decided to wrap up my show at the Muzeum gallery well at least gather all the journals and store them as there is no harm in leaving those on the walls for the visiting students. Not many understand the German Video exhibition that is presently on going and there is one or two pornograpic images in those video scenes which I think the Gallery staff missed or maybe...
I also collected the items I left with Haslam at the Ghara gallery Tanjung as I have no intention of prolonging our relationship into the future, probably my loss but I have to make changes in my approach or I will dragged down the same path to no wghere depending of others for my survival. I doubt that i will be having anymore shows in the future and from the way I feel it looks like I am about to make a drastic shift in my life and it is scary. I dont know where or how it is going to happen but something will happen for the better or for worse.
I still owe half this month rent and my car payment and so far there is no income from anywhere in sight, it makes me sick to even think that i cannot give my two kids a short vacation in the east coast like they wanted to instead they took off to their friend;s home and the3 daughter is working for one of her uncles. Well done Bahari! You really blew it this time and really big time!! Where's the dvine intervention or the karmic grace where's all that crap about being Perfect, Strong and Powerful trip? Wheres' all the rich family and friends who used to look for your return and for god's sake what is going to happen to your kids and their visas and their educational situation? Wake up!! Before its fucking too late wake fucking up! This is not fun anymore, you are not getting nay younger nor wiser and how often have you wrote this same old crap to yourself over and over like a broken record, dont you ever learn?
It will take a miracle yes nothing but short of a miracle to turn your life around either that or the end or your existance. You still wanna be an artist? Ha! be creative because its a divine gift? God given talent and all that jazz? Look at where it has got you all through the years. So many had warned you about the consequences but do you listen? No! You beleive in yourself being on the right path, the right motivation, the right calling and all that crap, today the world need another creative genius like you like it needs a Nuclear Holocaust! Wake up Bahari! Seek deeep within your soul and seek deeper than you have ever find that miracle before it is too late and stop looking at others for your liberation from this mess.

Convent Greenlane Art talk.

This morning I spent two hours giving an art talk and demos to a group of sixty girls from form threes and fours and some form ficves students of the Convent greenlane Girls secondary school. It was quite an experience as i had never faced so many young girls and including my own daughter in the group, before. I did not realize that young girls can behave just as unruly as young boys if not worse! But I took charge of the situation right from the start by telling them a short story, my favorite, "What brought You here?", an African folk tale about a hunter who found a skull in the forest that can speak. Suddenly I had their attention and from then on it was a matter of making it last the two hours.
For the talk I gave them the spill about not wasting their time and age as long as they are in school and to remember that there is alot of competition out there especially from foreign workers. I tried to hammer intot their heads the fact that their future hangs in a balance where jobs security is concern and they had better take stock of their predicament and be prepared for the future. To stay focus and awake while they are getting their education and to respect their teachers. I emphasized the need for creativity and the search for what is originality especially in Art and why it is relevant for creativity to be developed from a young age. My point in my talk was to get their attention towards facing their future in the country as the younger generation that will take on from those before them. I doubt that much of what i said was received with full understanding or acceptance but i have my hopes.
I gave a brief demonstration on the technique of sketching paying attention to light and darkness. Most did not know what to draw and copied my works on the board instead. But as I moved around among them I started to communicate better on an individual level of interaction. Most that i had the chance to talk to were able to understand the rudimentary techn iwues of seeing and sketching what they see. It is an eye opener to realize that very few of these girls have any understanding at all about sketching or drawing. Those that shows any talent at all were into sketching Japanese look alike animation characters with big round eyes that the Japanese nver have and the hairstyles that defies imagination while clutching huge swords or some other weapons ready to save the world from some new form of life.
Obviously Art is not the nuber one priority in Malaysian schools at least not in the secondary school levels and where art is left out creativity is on the way out. Students will suffer from lack of the ability to think and act creatively or they will become stereotypes and followers instead of creators and actors. At the rate the school system is running Malaysia will one day arrive at what japan has been through with her younger generation as far as creative thinking goes. In Japan it used to be so bad that no man dare to think any different from the rest of the group or collective whole. Creativity came to a standstill and japanese found out that they lacked inovative and creative thinkers, planners and designers to keep their industrial production vibrant and up to date. This was remidied in the past ten years where young Japanese student were allowed to and encouraged to leave their Japanese Universities and studied abroad especially in the US where they were exposed to a more liberal form of education whci does snot stifle their sense of creativity. Some of these returned to Japan with red and green hairstyles and raised hell with their Japanese elders demanding a change in mindset that had long been nailing the Japanese minds to the tatami boards. Malaysia being a follower country will run the same ciours unless something is done sooner than later to rectify this flaw in the education system. No scientifc research or space travels can create creative minds for the nation, only the humanistic and fines arts schools can help to create