My Son is drifting...

What has he done for his school vacation not too much anything but alot of watching DVDs at home all by himself like he is hoping for something to happen to his mind after all is watched and rewatched for the umteenth times. I am both sad and disturbed by the fact that he has become worse that a couch potato, as we do not have any couches and he watches the movies from the bed instead. I watched alot of times when I am home and we talked some about what we watched I try to slip in a lesson or two in English or geography or sometimes the psychology behind the scene and so on whenever he is paying attention or he ask something. Thers is the pros and cons to this situation as he spends alot of time off the streets and seems to be looking for something is all these. But of the other hand he is not out there like other kids his age chasing girls or building his biceps.
I am a little disturb about my son's lack of enthusiasm in living in the real world and tasting success and defeat hands on. I know he is not unintelligent and as a matter of fact I think he is pretty way out there in his mind except when it comes to doing the simple things in life like picking up after himself. it is a common phenomena for all kids to behave in like manner but some kids are just total loss when it comes to taking care of the little tings in life. Its like they believe there is someone else out there who is assigned to follow behind them and pick up the pieces after them, like their mother or a servant. I cannot blame my son for lack of passion about life as I am not either and this he sees and he hears from me day in day out. He knows the fact that if it is not against my belief and principle and if it is not against the common laws I would have gladly ended my miserable existance right now. I am living for sake of fulfilling my alotted time and hoping for and end as soon as possible. I learned a long time ago that I am a coward when it comes to suicide and so I have become an expert at justifying knowing that I am not convincing anyone not even myself. So it is with my son, I feel sorry for him and the more I watch his condition the more I feel the regret of making the move to return to this country.
It is Friday today and i spent the afternoon at the muzium working on what might turn into my longest painting, a scroll of that will be filled with heritage buildings around Georgetown in black and white. I don't even know why I bother to waste so much time and money over this project but I feel it is keeping my mind from tilting towards insanity if not despair with life and God. It is also perhaps because I was offered the scroll as a challenge to carry out the project by the Dean Professor Najib. I should have gone to pray at the mosque but my heart is bleeding too much for me to concentrate on God and begging Him again to forgive me for my ever incessant weaknesses. I miss my family,my wife, my daughter and even my son who is drifting away from me into his own world of make believe, a safe heaven from the madness that i have dragged him and his sister into after loosing my wife to her illness. Who do i turn to or what do I turn to when even God is not a comfort anymore? I spend my time making pictures and my heart is not into it. It seems Fridays always brings me down, spiritually it is the nadir of my life for the week and as a Muslim it is an irony to be at odds with your Maker on this day or days.