The Dream last night

It was one of those dreams that lingers onto your waking state leaving you with either total depression or total elation and this fortunately had an elated feeling about it. In this dream there lights in the skies like in any dream it was man made partly just to let you think of lights in the sky. Then there were stones dropping from the skies like precious stones not your ordinary gravel kind that would kill you if one caught you in the head. These were cut square stones like jades and rubies only larger than normal. They seem to fall right through roof tops leaving square holes in them and then the one stone that came sliding by me slid right into a groove of what seemed like the third eye of a statue of a buddha and fixed itself there. I felt an explanantion inside me telling me that this is the Bodhisatva of Compassion, it is for me to accept what is inevitable in my life and act accordingly for i have become a Bodhisatva of compassion having been entertaining the children and giving away what i can ill afford and all the small gestures of kindnesses that i have been sharing with those who needed them, all these have not gone unnoticed. I felt reliefed, sad but releifed like a load was lifted off my shoulders and i cried into the morning while sitting on the bed.
After that ideas kept pouring into my head as to what my future moves would have to be and how to fac the oncoming predicanments with regard to my children's future and they all seemed so simple enough as they were played before my eyes but one thing I understood and know my course of action would be is that the first opportunity I get i will renounce this life and enter a Buhhist monastery wherether here of in Sri Lanka where my father was originally from. I would like to die with a very clear head and I belief in this day and age the Bikhus or mendicant monks are one of the very few who walk this earth with the purity of a lotus amidst muddy waters. I dont know how or when this is going to happen but this is what will happen to me, this life that i am leading has become toatlly meaningless and a waste of good karma.
There will be alot of noise from my family, maybe, not that they have given a shit of what is happening to my children and I right at this moment and my friends and relatives here might be a little disturbed by the fact that i am leaving Islam or becoming an apostate, blah, blah. I do not renounce and will not and cannot renounce my true being that of being at one with my Creator, Allah (SWT). Between my Lord and I the covenant is sealed even as this writing at this moment in time and space testifies to this fact and furthermore at my age I need not justify anymore to anyone religious or otherwise.
Only my two children are my source of concern at the moment as they are still under my supervision and i am bound and obligated to care for their wellfare till they are of age. I have been preparing them mentally and spiritually towards facing the inevitable of the uncertain future of which thanks mainly to the Governmant Bureaucracies have made life short of miserable for all of us since we landed into this country, my home. My wife may Allah keep her has given up and her shell now sits somewhere ina Nursing home in Illinois waiting the final cut and i will never see her again to say how sorry I am for not being with her and protecting her from these pains she suffers. I had dragged her here from Japan where she was most happy doing what she had love best, teaching ESL, I took all that from her so that she can come here to become converted to Islam! What an irony! She came here to suffer from day one at the hands of the insensitve, heartless Ilamic religious department personels till the day she left the country not knowing anymore who she really is. For this i bear all resposibilities, I I took her happiness and in return gave her uncertainties and grief that today haunts my two children as well.
Somewhere in the distant lands of the Alpine, Switzerland another of my debunckle, a mistake that has far flung consequences till this day in the form of an angry young man who wants to know his true father and what a dissappoint this father has turned out to be for him. I am truly sorry to both my son and most of all to his mother and there is no amount of justification that can erase my shame and disgust at myself. But as far my son is concern i am proud to have a son and who knows we will one day sit face to face yet and make things happen for the best.
I have taken many wrong turns in my life and most of it was done with no thoughts in mind, most were spontaneously undertaken without hope or recourse, but thses were mostly done when i was alone, living on my own and making decisions for myself. Now I have responsibillities to others for whom I am obligated to fulfill as thus anyhting or any move i need to make i have to consider the outcome for them more than for myself. What is liberation? What is the deliverance from cares that Shaikh Kadir Al-Jilani has been preaching about? What is quality of life? Are we to exist merely as cattles following the dictates of manipulators and shysters who gets away with murders simply because? Are we not created as the Keepers of the laws, Caliphas, wardens of this domain? Why do we allow the shrewed few flog us into submission so much so that we can be marched into the bull pen to be counted for the slaughtering? They wear their masks to perfection disguising their looks to deceive the unweary. Closest friends or so called, the so called care givers with fancy names like NGOS, the esteem Educators whose moral virtues is as deep as their pocket linings eyes and ears always peeled at whatever fortune there to be made along with their regular salaries, the law keepers, what a joke this has become for us lesser people the law enforcers of old at least were deadly serious, they shoot first before they ask today you end up having to pay for every law they keep. Politicians! No! There is nothing worth saying here.
Yes I am bitter, especially when at the last Friday prayer which I attended at the Sungai Pinang Mosque, my native kampung, the Imam pointed out that there were more fancy fans inside the building than there were worshippers. The Mosque's safety box was broken into twice and what are we the Kampung folks doing about it. THis would not have happened in the Sungai Pinang of old! If i could have spoken I would have shouted at him to wake up and smell the sewerage that they have been processing in the kampung area or take a look at the building across the street from the mosque a see who resides within this entire complex if not foreigners. Please! The original Sungai Pinang guy is a rare specie in this village! Next time stop building big mosques that way you will not have problem filling it up all the time.
Now that I have got most of the crap off my chest let me see if I can make sense out of it all. I need to step away from this whole mess and reasses, re evalutate, I need to recharege my enrgies and recuperate from this cold and this negative vibes that has been hitting my family. It is worse than a curse and I definitely got to end it or it will eat me up. I have to find new gates to knock on to open and enter, new ideas, new thoughts new paradimgns, new whatever it takes to break loose from the vicious hold this parasite has on me and mine. Time to don my armour, unsheath the sword of wisdom and cut through this illusion this veil that is shielding me from what is my goal. Time to die! and be reborn!