Japan Foundation 2

Received my reply from the Japan Foundation and found out that the final result of the awards would only be announced in April the date I had intended to have my Sendai show. In the meantime I guese the time will be spent getting feed backs to and fro bet me and the Foundation...the paper chase begins, if I care to comtinue. It has never been my good luck when ot comes to getting things accomplished when I have to deal with any form of bureaucratic red tape, it is just not in me when I have to deal with paperworks. However it is yet another challenge to face and overcome with once and for all like who says it cannot be done! There are worse demons out there than a bunch of pen pushers gaurding the coffers of the Foundation and they just demand a little respect, just need to follow the rules fulfill the requirements and even if at time things makes no sense I just have to dance along and make it happen. Anyway the date to my solo exhibition might not be in April according to the Gallaery Director Noni who I met a couple days back at an openning. The whole schedule it seems might be changed and as she put it you might end up at a later date into the distant future, most probably not in April as offered. It is okey by me one way or another so long as you got your act together, I mean who the fuck am I but just another artist hardly known around my own kampung, I can be flexible take it or leave it! I mean screw my plans and for that matter my life!

As I have often commented in the past making changes in life is a risky business especially at this late in life. Some say that if you are not a millionaire by now forget it, chances are you missed the boat or your calling somewhere back when. I now seem to feel this way, the depression and the empty feeling of not being able to get things accomplished, the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness that in the past had haunted my life is making its prescence felt again. I have dealt with missing my wife and dealing with my children's future, I have made every effort to provide for their daily needs and see that they go to school. I have put on a solo exhibition at one of the most prestigious Galleries in the country, my second solo exhibition in Malaysia sincce my return to this country. I have established good relations among the contemporary local artists and have built good rapport with many, yet i am at a loss. Where i go from here?
One of my spiritual mentors, someone whose teachings i follow closely in my daily life if only through reading his works keeps calling on me to be patient. The Prophet ( Allah bless him and give him peace) is reported as having said,
"Poverty and patience are the boon companions of Allah (Al Mighty and Glorious is He) and the poor and those who endure with patience are the boon companons of the All Merciful (Ar Rahman), their hearts today and the body tomorrow". Patience is again a very tough act to follow especially when one is in desperation of need. I have to find some source of income at least for now to fill up my gas tank or I will never make it home! Is it because i doubt? Is it because I am being logical whatever it may be at this moment in time to weigh between the practice of patience and desperation it feels like desperation demands a greater attention. I still need to beg borrow or steal in order that i can make it through the week.
Someone who stinks of Zen made a comment of my frevious entry that it is not Zen enough. I have no idesa what the person was refering to, however I thank him or her for caring to even read what i write and as far as Zen is concern I have no idea what is or not enough about what i wrote for to me Zen is Zen day to day moaning and grumbling about life is day to day living. Day to day grumbling about life is Zen.No Grumblings no Zen No Zen no Grumblings.