My son needs a new set of school uniforms and my daughter spent RM150 buying the things needed for her school activities. I paid all my small debts I had incurred the past month in trying to make sure that they have what they needed for their daily spendings. Its down to earth economics and as can be expected it exceeds my income. Now I have barely enough to see me through till the next paycheck much less to spend on getting my works framed for the upcoming solo exhibition.
Again swallowing my pride I have shamelessly appealed to a few of my friends abroad for a little financial help towards getting my exhibition fulfilled as it is my dream project. This included approaching my son in the US for his help, so far I got two offers from friends both in Japan and the US. These are individuals who have been more than a family towards my family and I over the years since we met. I am not proud of the fact that I am becoming an international beggar just to get my show going but again life is an experiment and as such nothing is to be overlooked or disregarded. If i have to beg in order to get my dream fulfilled than beg I must. I have not asked my closer family and relatives for help as I am weary of their sentiments although I did approach one of my nephews who is doing quite well in Kuala Lumpur. So far I have received silence and so be it as now I learn more about who I am and what to expect of being who I am. It is a good gauge in finding out the truth about friends and relatives and what to and not to expect, at least it is a lesson one learns about the meaning of life and dependencies or what the independant really means. Maybe I may sound a little judgemental about it all, well when you expose yourself it is bound to reveal the uglies as well as the beauties about yourself and this you have to accept as part of life and the effort to towards purification.
Looking at it all from my spiritual practice I cn see why the Buddha had adviced one to become a mendicant monk in this life begging for life. It is a very strong form of pratice in order to curb your ego from becoming over inflated with pride and other forms of negative traits such as greed and dellusions. If and when my show has become a successful reallity I know who or what it takes to achieve this, it is not my talent alone nor my efforts or financial wellbeing that is solely responsible for the success, it is a shared effort. It is a shared effort of those who cared not just for me but for my talent as an artist. for the sake of Art and the Human Mind.These are individuals who values the creative spirit and willing to overlook the human frailties that accompanies the creator. In the spiritual sense they are willing to overlook my weaknesses and support my quest for a spiritual liberation through my works.
But who is kidding who? I am living in a dream and a dreamer I have always been thinking that I can breeze through this life with ease and colorful episodes. Life is a bitch and then you die without finishing the very goal you set to reach for. You end up drowning into the quaigmire your very own creation. Hopes are for the birds and prayers are for the hereafter. Despair and gloom looms at the horizon with every rise of the morning sun. Today only faith hangs precariously, faith in the compassion of the AlMighty and those who cares. This alone keeps me from scrapping my show. The faith that others have in my abilities and my dedications towards what I consider as the meaning of life and living. Sharing it all with the world as one more isolated incident in space and time, this is my ultimate contribution to humanity, sharing my strength and limitations my successess and failures. This is my story to be handed down to my children and their children just in case one day any one of them decided to know their history or what it takes to have an insatiable creative drive; to have a dream.
What does it takes to become a Rennaisance man I had often asked myself naively in my younger days. To be knowledgeable matters of spirituality as in metaphysics and to be able to run a hazardous waste facility as in mechanics and engineering, to understand human interactions as in living among many cultures and cultivating close bonds or relationship that earned respect and integrity and las tbut not least in being a good artist all around. Perhaps this is a very shallow manner of looking a what it is that makes a complete person but so far whatever I have set out to accomplish whether it is cleaning someone else's toilet or laying an in insence on the Altar or Manjushri I have done it all with a concious mind towards acheiving a right understanding of the meaning of life and practice.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
Back to work at Jerejak.
Well after talking to a couple of friends over the matter I decided to swallow my pride and face my boss at work this morning. Hi boss I said to him he jerked back, I am not your boss remember you said to shove your job up my ass? What do you want now? Well I said I came to apologize its just that things got out of hand for both of us and being intelligent adults that we are we can come to see it as such that it was all in the heat of the moment and nothing was meant what was said. I explained to him of why I was angered and that sometimes I do have a problem of managing my anger especially when I felt being unjustifiably accused.
Anyway we cleared the air and buried any animosity left between us with an understanding that he is the boss and I am an employee and no matter which way i roll I am bound to get hurt. I got my job back and possibly a paycheck at the end of the month which would sure as hell come in handy. Another lesson learned in humility and knowing when to attack and when to retreat.I learned a bit about my boss and his ways of dealing with people for he too has lived in the US for some ten years of his adult life and he has accepted to deal with his work the American way whatever that is. In this case he admits that he would chew someone out but will not hold on to long term grudges. It is something Malays will have a hard time swallowing as they are sensitive by nature. Malays tends to hold every character attacks personal and they do not forget easily. I can see where he is bound to come up with one too many unhappy employees if he keeps up with his strategic approach to this American style of management. To the American and to a greater degrees the Japanese work is work and what transpires at work stays at work and after work the boss and the employee can sit and drink together till they both hit the floor, nor hard feelings. But the Malay will carry his work problems home to share with his wife and in laws and close friends and whoever else that is willing to listen. Often the animosity bulids up between boss and employee till it explodes and usually at work.
For most of the Malays there is no relief valves to let off their steam like the Chinese or the Indians, the Americans or the Japanese, there is no drinking till their heads hit the pavemnt nor getting stoned till their nerves are numbed from the onslought of work pressure. They, being the good Muslims that most of them are has limited venues to scream their anger out and most would turn to the Koran or simply pray and accept things as Allah's Will, while anger is bottled up inside like a time bomb. The word 'Amuk' comes from the expression attributed toward the relieve of this bottled up anger. Most succumb to drugs and finally leading to the demolishing of their family lives and the final stage being self destruction.
The Malays too I foind cannot act collectively, it is difficult for them to band together and take on a problem at work, they are more more individualistic in approach and thus having such thing as a Union is beyond their scope of thinking. Problems faced by individuals at work are treated as such its and individual's problem eventhough the same problem is face by the rest of them. They would moan and groan about the issues and blame matters on this or that but they cna never sit down together and collectively make a decision to end the issue. There are those who would change their views and oppinions as soon as the boss pat them on their backsor give them a small raise. For these the issue is no more and issue, the issues are someone else's untill the whole problem comes back to haunt them.
The fact that my boss is trying to run his job in the American style will not work in the long run because he will only end up making alot enemies rather than gain loyal employees. He has to accept the fact that he is back in a whole different kind of work culture, an environment where a whole different paradigm of work ethics and approach is necessary and this includes to certain extent the spiritual side of the human coefficient or he might find himself with his wife or children walking around like a zombie for the Malays have ways about how to deal with hard headedness without the detection of the law. Sometimes their ways can make Voodooism looks like child's play.
Anyway we cleared the air and buried any animosity left between us with an understanding that he is the boss and I am an employee and no matter which way i roll I am bound to get hurt. I got my job back and possibly a paycheck at the end of the month which would sure as hell come in handy. Another lesson learned in humility and knowing when to attack and when to retreat.I learned a bit about my boss and his ways of dealing with people for he too has lived in the US for some ten years of his adult life and he has accepted to deal with his work the American way whatever that is. In this case he admits that he would chew someone out but will not hold on to long term grudges. It is something Malays will have a hard time swallowing as they are sensitive by nature. Malays tends to hold every character attacks personal and they do not forget easily. I can see where he is bound to come up with one too many unhappy employees if he keeps up with his strategic approach to this American style of management. To the American and to a greater degrees the Japanese work is work and what transpires at work stays at work and after work the boss and the employee can sit and drink together till they both hit the floor, nor hard feelings. But the Malay will carry his work problems home to share with his wife and in laws and close friends and whoever else that is willing to listen. Often the animosity bulids up between boss and employee till it explodes and usually at work.
For most of the Malays there is no relief valves to let off their steam like the Chinese or the Indians, the Americans or the Japanese, there is no drinking till their heads hit the pavemnt nor getting stoned till their nerves are numbed from the onslought of work pressure. They, being the good Muslims that most of them are has limited venues to scream their anger out and most would turn to the Koran or simply pray and accept things as Allah's Will, while anger is bottled up inside like a time bomb. The word 'Amuk' comes from the expression attributed toward the relieve of this bottled up anger. Most succumb to drugs and finally leading to the demolishing of their family lives and the final stage being self destruction.
The Malays too I foind cannot act collectively, it is difficult for them to band together and take on a problem at work, they are more more individualistic in approach and thus having such thing as a Union is beyond their scope of thinking. Problems faced by individuals at work are treated as such its and individual's problem eventhough the same problem is face by the rest of them. They would moan and groan about the issues and blame matters on this or that but they cna never sit down together and collectively make a decision to end the issue. There are those who would change their views and oppinions as soon as the boss pat them on their backsor give them a small raise. For these the issue is no more and issue, the issues are someone else's untill the whole problem comes back to haunt them.
The fact that my boss is trying to run his job in the American style will not work in the long run because he will only end up making alot enemies rather than gain loyal employees. He has to accept the fact that he is back in a whole different kind of work culture, an environment where a whole different paradigm of work ethics and approach is necessary and this includes to certain extent the spiritual side of the human coefficient or he might find himself with his wife or children walking around like a zombie for the Malays have ways about how to deal with hard headedness without the detection of the law. Sometimes their ways can make Voodooism looks like child's play.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
What is happiness?
They say that happiness belongs to those who have ample wealth as with wealth every hope and wishes is being fulfilled.Being wealthy gaurantees that one is listened to and one's weaknesses is often overlooked or easily forgotten. Money justifies all even if it is the root of all evil. One the other hand poverty and destitution makes every genuine and sincere effort goes unrecognized or unappreciated, ones endeavors are often buried in failures, one's words carries no water. What is sometimes worse is that one tends to become a victim of exploitations by unscrupulous individuals with the power of having greater wealth.
But the measures of Happiness warrants deeper understanding and a thorough research as many would say that happiness is relative. I am a wealthy man although my pockets are empty but my wealth is in my living experiences, my years of travelling and the places and people whose lives I have touched one way or another. The many different cultures I have been a part of even if for a short period of time, learning things that no amount of reading or watching TV can teach. I am a wealthy man because I have seen, touched tasted and experienced wealth in all its glory throughout my life. Hence in this sense I am a rich man but when it comes to having real money or property, I never could qualify myself among the well to do. Why is this so? My mother never said much in terms of advice but one of the few things she said that had stuck with me were that when it comes to food and drinks never be stingy as when it comes to cloaths and other conveniences as money spent on food is money well spent and never a waste. She also told me that when it comes to handling money I have holes in my palms. I beleive it has to do with my being a spendtrift I cannot keep money, I spend faster than I make and I never thought of my future living always in the now. If I have money I like to see others have it too and those who dont or are in dire need I find it not hard at all to depart with whatever I have sometimes detrimental to my own financial state.
I am a believer is wealth is something one share not something one hoard for so called rainy days. Often the rainy days do not come at least not in the negative sense and even if it does one always will find help to see through these days because there are those who will be will to share their wealth just as you had shared yours. At least this is my believe and I had lived by this believe right or wrong. Perhaps the lesson I am learning right now the falacy that I had lived by, that giving and sharing is well and good for the birds, for man it is fuck you, I should be taking care of Number One and thats Me!
Wealth is also having good health which I cannot complain about too much. I have been seriously ill once or twice in my life, like a bout of Malaria when I was in my teenage years and then I suffered from a kind of accident that caused fluid to build up in my lungs in the early 1983 in Corte Madera, Marin County. California from which I thought I was going to die. Other than that I am normally healthy and am thankful for. Without health what is the use of having all the money in the world? Even as I am typing this words my friend's Indonesian maid interupted my to ask about Tumors! Does her mother in Indonesia need to have it removed and if she does it would cost her 4million Rupiah, equivalent of her eight month salary working as a maid. What can I tell this maid? That life is a bitch and then some? To have good health and well being is another form of wealth often more precious than having financial stability.
Sounds so far like an old folk remedy of life and how to deal with money, having and not having, rich and poor, sad and happiness, where is all this leading up to? Well this is what happens when you have time and no money on your hand.Then there are those whose happiness hangs in their sense of accomplishment, their achievements their success in whatever they undertake to achieve as their life's goal. Remember that guy Longfellow Deeds? Now there's a guy with lots of money and does not need any of it except that it was meant to be spread around. We can go on and on about happiness and being happy anh money or no money has to do with it or being the toughest man or smartest nerd has to do with it, but the fact still remains one seek happiness throguhout oine's life like it or not just like it is a quest set up by the AlMighty or the Buddhas or some Cosmic Joker out there, a quest that some of us are willing to kill or be killed to fulfill it. We have created all manners of ideas and phylosophies, spiritual as well as psychological 'isms'in order to justify ourselves and our purpose for wanting to procure what it is to be eternally happy.
Thus far we have had prophets and philosophers, rishis and roshis,scientists and artists trying to create for us what this sense of happiness is or what it entails.
Oh my God i am so sad, so depressed, so bored with life, what am I going to do with myself? HOW OFTEN DOES ONE HEAR THIS MOANING AND GROANING!!
But the measures of Happiness warrants deeper understanding and a thorough research as many would say that happiness is relative. I am a wealthy man although my pockets are empty but my wealth is in my living experiences, my years of travelling and the places and people whose lives I have touched one way or another. The many different cultures I have been a part of even if for a short period of time, learning things that no amount of reading or watching TV can teach. I am a wealthy man because I have seen, touched tasted and experienced wealth in all its glory throughout my life. Hence in this sense I am a rich man but when it comes to having real money or property, I never could qualify myself among the well to do. Why is this so? My mother never said much in terms of advice but one of the few things she said that had stuck with me were that when it comes to food and drinks never be stingy as when it comes to cloaths and other conveniences as money spent on food is money well spent and never a waste. She also told me that when it comes to handling money I have holes in my palms. I beleive it has to do with my being a spendtrift I cannot keep money, I spend faster than I make and I never thought of my future living always in the now. If I have money I like to see others have it too and those who dont or are in dire need I find it not hard at all to depart with whatever I have sometimes detrimental to my own financial state.
I am a believer is wealth is something one share not something one hoard for so called rainy days. Often the rainy days do not come at least not in the negative sense and even if it does one always will find help to see through these days because there are those who will be will to share their wealth just as you had shared yours. At least this is my believe and I had lived by this believe right or wrong. Perhaps the lesson I am learning right now the falacy that I had lived by, that giving and sharing is well and good for the birds, for man it is fuck you, I should be taking care of Number One and thats Me!
Wealth is also having good health which I cannot complain about too much. I have been seriously ill once or twice in my life, like a bout of Malaria when I was in my teenage years and then I suffered from a kind of accident that caused fluid to build up in my lungs in the early 1983 in Corte Madera, Marin County. California from which I thought I was going to die. Other than that I am normally healthy and am thankful for. Without health what is the use of having all the money in the world? Even as I am typing this words my friend's Indonesian maid interupted my to ask about Tumors! Does her mother in Indonesia need to have it removed and if she does it would cost her 4million Rupiah, equivalent of her eight month salary working as a maid. What can I tell this maid? That life is a bitch and then some? To have good health and well being is another form of wealth often more precious than having financial stability.
Sounds so far like an old folk remedy of life and how to deal with money, having and not having, rich and poor, sad and happiness, where is all this leading up to? Well this is what happens when you have time and no money on your hand.Then there are those whose happiness hangs in their sense of accomplishment, their achievements their success in whatever they undertake to achieve as their life's goal. Remember that guy Longfellow Deeds? Now there's a guy with lots of money and does not need any of it except that it was meant to be spread around. We can go on and on about happiness and being happy anh money or no money has to do with it or being the toughest man or smartest nerd has to do with it, but the fact still remains one seek happiness throguhout oine's life like it or not just like it is a quest set up by the AlMighty or the Buddhas or some Cosmic Joker out there, a quest that some of us are willing to kill or be killed to fulfill it. We have created all manners of ideas and phylosophies, spiritual as well as psychological 'isms'in order to justify ourselves and our purpose for wanting to procure what it is to be eternally happy.
Thus far we have had prophets and philosophers, rishis and roshis,scientists and artists trying to create for us what this sense of happiness is or what it entails.
Oh my God i am so sad, so depressed, so bored with life, what am I going to do with myself? HOW OFTEN DOES ONE HEAR THIS MOANING AND GROANING!!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Goodbye Jerejak
Yep it happens at last, the last straw on Allah/s testing of Hu'S Siiner, I am out of work! What happened? Well got to work as early as usual and clocked in at 7.30 ( My actul time being 9-5) but I love to ride the early morning bus when it is not too ceowded and I love the half an hour walk to the water front in the wee early morning hours watching the sun rising across the horizon. Walked to the end of the jetty and did my meditation and morning stretching exercises alos had my stick with me to do a little BoJutsu. The 7.30 ferry camr and i took the ropes and anchored them.
Everything seemed normal at the Jetty as a few of the staff members sat waiting, smiled and waved at the girls as the men were deep within themselves still with hardly life written on their faces. Decided to water the lawn and latter went out along the roadside to pick up the garbage, ( None of these are my duties but I do it just to kill time and because I love to do it). Sometimes i am beginning to feel like a fool, no doubt about it doing things that are thankless and if nothing else can be seen a brown nosing, but that's me, dumb me, a man who never learns.
When I got back to the ticket counter there were a few people milling around waiting for the 8.30 ferry and a guy came up to me letting me know that three of them were going to the island and that they were from a pest controll company. Great I sadi you have to pay 10RM which is half the actual cost and he protested saying that one of the staff members had said that they were to be given comp[lementary tickets. Okn call the staff and confirm it he walked away telling me. So I sat with my security man beside me waiting. The Resort Manager came by and the guy went over and had a long discussion with the RM, I thought nothing of it and later they went to the ferry without paying and I assumed the RM had given them his OK.
As soon as the ferry terminal was cleared of the morning crowd the RM turned on me by first accusing me that I was being rude to someone, that he had been nice to me given me a raisde and why the hell am I being a pain in the butt towards him and others? I was stumped! I did not expect this early morning attack and asked who was I being rude to this time and he refused to answer me thinking that I knew what he was talking about. One thing led to another and as it is not wise to write too much about your work or your boss which might be incriminating against one I would say that it came to a no turn state for both of us, it was time to part company.
What this means is simply that I might not see even my salary for the past few weeks if he has his way about it, great just plain great. Now what am I going to do about my next month rent and not to mention the kids and their school and what do I tell them? Their Dad is a failure all along, cant keep a job. I am faced with a dilemma which is dragging me down soffocating me like a drowning man. This was never in the grand scheme of things, at least I never thought that it could get to this. Kneel and beg O ye and repent your sins for the Lord thy God is a Great Tester,
Oh well at least tomorrow I have no need to worry about waking up at five thirty in the morning anymore, and my children will remeber their Dad a whole lot better being a failiure than not being anything at all. Oh Yeah!! Life goes on.
Everything seemed normal at the Jetty as a few of the staff members sat waiting, smiled and waved at the girls as the men were deep within themselves still with hardly life written on their faces. Decided to water the lawn and latter went out along the roadside to pick up the garbage, ( None of these are my duties but I do it just to kill time and because I love to do it). Sometimes i am beginning to feel like a fool, no doubt about it doing things that are thankless and if nothing else can be seen a brown nosing, but that's me, dumb me, a man who never learns.
When I got back to the ticket counter there were a few people milling around waiting for the 8.30 ferry and a guy came up to me letting me know that three of them were going to the island and that they were from a pest controll company. Great I sadi you have to pay 10RM which is half the actual cost and he protested saying that one of the staff members had said that they were to be given comp[lementary tickets. Okn call the staff and confirm it he walked away telling me. So I sat with my security man beside me waiting. The Resort Manager came by and the guy went over and had a long discussion with the RM, I thought nothing of it and later they went to the ferry without paying and I assumed the RM had given them his OK.
As soon as the ferry terminal was cleared of the morning crowd the RM turned on me by first accusing me that I was being rude to someone, that he had been nice to me given me a raisde and why the hell am I being a pain in the butt towards him and others? I was stumped! I did not expect this early morning attack and asked who was I being rude to this time and he refused to answer me thinking that I knew what he was talking about. One thing led to another and as it is not wise to write too much about your work or your boss which might be incriminating against one I would say that it came to a no turn state for both of us, it was time to part company.
What this means is simply that I might not see even my salary for the past few weeks if he has his way about it, great just plain great. Now what am I going to do about my next month rent and not to mention the kids and their school and what do I tell them? Their Dad is a failure all along, cant keep a job. I am faced with a dilemma which is dragging me down soffocating me like a drowning man. This was never in the grand scheme of things, at least I never thought that it could get to this. Kneel and beg O ye and repent your sins for the Lord thy God is a Great Tester,
Oh well at least tomorrow I have no need to worry about waking up at five thirty in the morning anymore, and my children will remeber their Dad a whole lot better being a failiure than not being anything at all. Oh Yeah!! Life goes on.
Monday, February 20, 2006
What else is there to say...
It's my day off, whoop- dee- dooo!! Woke up as late as i could to avoid being hit by the blistering hot day and the drag of having to look for a place to eat and face my son when he gets back from school, having nothing to offer him in terms of pocket money. I am living on borrowed financial status, broke to the bone, and dont seem to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. What a way to live what a bloody life, it Is a Sin to be poor oh well, it is a sin to be broke. Cannot equate life with poverty as wealth is relative. One can be financially broke but rich in experiences or knowledge. But not having enough money to make ends meet sucks!
I have stooped to begging my son and a few close friends to send me a hundred bucks just to pull me through this phase in time, and yes, it is a shame and it is low but it had to be done. When i meet my Maker if I do get to meet Him at least I cannot be blamed for not asking or in this case for not begging. He cannot lay it on my sense of pride anymore, as I have laid my pride on the table. Of course, in the Muslim or Islamic tradition, I have committed a blasphemy against my Maker as it is Shirk to ask or expect help from any other than the Lord thy God. To have complete faith in the Almighty in every need one has to overcome any hurdles in life, total submission to the Will of Allah is the way to go for a true believer. It s not easy, it's not easy to practice patience, to stop the mind from anxiety attacks as to what lies in store for not having the means to stay afloat.
Oh Yeah!! Life goes on.... as the Buddha would have said its all Maya, Illusions! To pick the lotus without wetting your fingers is the trick. My solo exhibition is a few months from now and there is alot to do yet to give the best for the world to see the last of the Bahari Saga. Creativity at its best is what I had set out to accomplish in this life, and that is what I will present, "The Art Living to the Fullest as an Artist," not as a craftsman but a true bonafide artist in the caliber of Paul Gaughan. To explore the world of life and cultures to experiment with life to challenge what it has to offer and to stick a finger at authority if and when it needs be. To bow humbled as a beggar and beg borrow or steal when it calls for without remorse. To give oneself wholehearted without a second thought to those who are in need to dare to love and abe loved to cheat and be cheated, to kill or be killed. To dare to be ashamed and humiliated if it is what it takes and to accept victory with grace and gratefulness. To be able to run a Hazardous Waste Facility and understand the Discourses of Sheikh Kadir Al Jilani or Ibn Arabi. To be able to live in Sandpoint Alaska. Sendai, Japan, or River Road, Penang. To be married to two Americans and have a child living in the Swiss Alps. This is life, only few can tast and those who do are never ordinary men, this I will testify is the life of an Artist. The elegant beggar, as expounded by Alan Watts, the Zen Master. The mad monk at San Francisco Zen Center or the Yard Dog at H&H Ship Services on the SF waterfront, the Ferry Ticket Seller in Penang or the Halibut Fisherman (Fisher of Man), in the Berring Sea or the Meat Cutter at Green Bay's Meats and Colds Storage, wherever my life had taken me I had tried my damndest to live and deliver a standard of high performance just that of an Artist, for I am an Artist all round and not just a Fine Arts Student. I am an Artist of life itself. I paint my own life, I give it beauty, and I tear it to pieces, I am the Maestro!
I have stooped to begging my son and a few close friends to send me a hundred bucks just to pull me through this phase in time, and yes, it is a shame and it is low but it had to be done. When i meet my Maker if I do get to meet Him at least I cannot be blamed for not asking or in this case for not begging. He cannot lay it on my sense of pride anymore, as I have laid my pride on the table. Of course, in the Muslim or Islamic tradition, I have committed a blasphemy against my Maker as it is Shirk to ask or expect help from any other than the Lord thy God. To have complete faith in the Almighty in every need one has to overcome any hurdles in life, total submission to the Will of Allah is the way to go for a true believer. It s not easy, it's not easy to practice patience, to stop the mind from anxiety attacks as to what lies in store for not having the means to stay afloat.
Oh Yeah!! Life goes on.... as the Buddha would have said its all Maya, Illusions! To pick the lotus without wetting your fingers is the trick. My solo exhibition is a few months from now and there is alot to do yet to give the best for the world to see the last of the Bahari Saga. Creativity at its best is what I had set out to accomplish in this life, and that is what I will present, "The Art Living to the Fullest as an Artist," not as a craftsman but a true bonafide artist in the caliber of Paul Gaughan. To explore the world of life and cultures to experiment with life to challenge what it has to offer and to stick a finger at authority if and when it needs be. To bow humbled as a beggar and beg borrow or steal when it calls for without remorse. To give oneself wholehearted without a second thought to those who are in need to dare to love and abe loved to cheat and be cheated, to kill or be killed. To dare to be ashamed and humiliated if it is what it takes and to accept victory with grace and gratefulness. To be able to run a Hazardous Waste Facility and understand the Discourses of Sheikh Kadir Al Jilani or Ibn Arabi. To be able to live in Sandpoint Alaska. Sendai, Japan, or River Road, Penang. To be married to two Americans and have a child living in the Swiss Alps. This is life, only few can tast and those who do are never ordinary men, this I will testify is the life of an Artist. The elegant beggar, as expounded by Alan Watts, the Zen Master. The mad monk at San Francisco Zen Center or the Yard Dog at H&H Ship Services on the SF waterfront, the Ferry Ticket Seller in Penang or the Halibut Fisherman (Fisher of Man), in the Berring Sea or the Meat Cutter at Green Bay's Meats and Colds Storage, wherever my life had taken me I had tried my damndest to live and deliver a standard of high performance just that of an Artist, for I am an Artist all round and not just a Fine Arts Student. I am an Artist of life itself. I paint my own life, I give it beauty, and I tear it to pieces, I am the Maestro!
Monday, February 13, 2006
What is Global Ethic?
The Penang Global Ethic Project Lasting from 4th. Feb. til 10 March is a joint project including the USM and other various community groups in Penang with the purpose of heightening the Religious and cultural awareness of the various religions of the world. I visited the exhibition today at the USM ABN-AMBRO gallery center. The show is impressive in the way it has been displayed especially for the younger generation those who need to get acquainted with the more spiritual aspects of their lives. Religious knowledge is becoming more and more a critical issue in this modern day and age whereby the world is spinning towards a tug o war between what is peace and chaos what is human and what is being a beast, good and evil is coming into confrontation manisfesting in physical forms where the value of life as we know it has become negotiable on the arms market. God and the Devil is at each other's throat and it wont be long before it becomes an all out war of the opposites, of good and evil, light and darkness and we are but mere pawns in the hands of puppeteers making decisions to our fate.
This they say is the age of Knowledge, he who has the command of knowledge rules, the CIA, the FBI, the MI-6 and KGB and Mossad and whaever else fancy fearful names that they go by these days are the sum total of our human knowledge put to use in order to keep us free from oppression and afford us peace. Backed by the finance of their various governments these so called intelligence agencies are the bullies needed by our manifested intelligent colletive minds to protect us from our neighbors. Then there are the so called Terrorists, people who are bent on self and mutual destruction of others to proof their case and acting often enought in the name of their Gods, God have mercy on their souls! The battle royal is set to spin off between the West and the Muslim Nations and it is a matter of time. Arm sales are high on the priority lists of governments East and West Muslim and Non Muslim Nations and Satan is wagging its tail and licking its tougne as it watches the turmoi that the so called Sons of Adam reaches for eachother's throats at every drop of a dime. A carricature of the Prophet is causing an uproar all over the MUslim World louder than Salman Rushdie could ever imagine, if Ayatollah Khomini were alive today what would he had done? Thank God Sadam is out of the picture, what can the Danish Newspaper be thinking, one wonders, what does the editor hope to gain or who is he or sahe trying to impress by doing the most obvious short of lighting the fuse for an Armageddon? Then there is a Moron even here in Malaysia somewhere in Sarawak a newspaper editor who has to become a monkey see and monkey do printing the same images in the SarawakNews Paper causing a stir here too.What are people hoping for to happen? That the Muslims would be cured of the love and respect for their Prophet and bend towrds the so called liberated minds of the the so called free western thinking? Or is Life too boring for some that poking at the hornet's nest is the best they could think of,why cant they just take up musterbation and get off from the need to releive themselves of boredom. Leave the rest of humanity to live life day to day, we do not need your thoughts or your dark sarcasm, tell em to your wives and children, keep in in the family if you need to, see if they approve.
The Buddha Said the life is suffering and suffering is due to ignorance. God help us because in these days and age of knowledge we as humans have become worse than animals in our ways and we are heading dead on our own self destruction all because we have become overly arrogant in thinking that we do not need the religions of the world, we donoit need to heed the whispers of the ancients ones, we do not need to read with understanding the sacred texts left for us to guide us through these dark days. As a wise man once pointed out, we have bacome too lazy mentally to study the spiritual nature of our Being and we have lost our sense of awe at the unknown or what lies beyond Death. Thus life has become cheap for us today as we become more and more insensitive towards the cries of our souls, the light that is fading dimmmer and dimmer within us which eventually would leave us in total darkness of ignorance. May Allah forgive us all for tby then it is too late to cry foul or to bemoan our lot we the so called sons of Adam, the callipha or visgerent of this planet of our for we have shit enough onto the very plate that we are eating of that we cannot tell the difference anymore between what is Right and What is Wrong.
This they say is the age of Knowledge, he who has the command of knowledge rules, the CIA, the FBI, the MI-6 and KGB and Mossad and whaever else fancy fearful names that they go by these days are the sum total of our human knowledge put to use in order to keep us free from oppression and afford us peace. Backed by the finance of their various governments these so called intelligence agencies are the bullies needed by our manifested intelligent colletive minds to protect us from our neighbors. Then there are the so called Terrorists, people who are bent on self and mutual destruction of others to proof their case and acting often enought in the name of their Gods, God have mercy on their souls! The battle royal is set to spin off between the West and the Muslim Nations and it is a matter of time. Arm sales are high on the priority lists of governments East and West Muslim and Non Muslim Nations and Satan is wagging its tail and licking its tougne as it watches the turmoi that the so called Sons of Adam reaches for eachother's throats at every drop of a dime. A carricature of the Prophet is causing an uproar all over the MUslim World louder than Salman Rushdie could ever imagine, if Ayatollah Khomini were alive today what would he had done? Thank God Sadam is out of the picture, what can the Danish Newspaper be thinking, one wonders, what does the editor hope to gain or who is he or sahe trying to impress by doing the most obvious short of lighting the fuse for an Armageddon? Then there is a Moron even here in Malaysia somewhere in Sarawak a newspaper editor who has to become a monkey see and monkey do printing the same images in the SarawakNews Paper causing a stir here too.What are people hoping for to happen? That the Muslims would be cured of the love and respect for their Prophet and bend towrds the so called liberated minds of the the so called free western thinking? Or is Life too boring for some that poking at the hornet's nest is the best they could think of,why cant they just take up musterbation and get off from the need to releive themselves of boredom. Leave the rest of humanity to live life day to day, we do not need your thoughts or your dark sarcasm, tell em to your wives and children, keep in in the family if you need to, see if they approve.
The Buddha Said the life is suffering and suffering is due to ignorance. God help us because in these days and age of knowledge we as humans have become worse than animals in our ways and we are heading dead on our own self destruction all because we have become overly arrogant in thinking that we do not need the religions of the world, we donoit need to heed the whispers of the ancients ones, we do not need to read with understanding the sacred texts left for us to guide us through these dark days. As a wise man once pointed out, we have bacome too lazy mentally to study the spiritual nature of our Being and we have lost our sense of awe at the unknown or what lies beyond Death. Thus life has become cheap for us today as we become more and more insensitive towards the cries of our souls, the light that is fading dimmmer and dimmer within us which eventually would leave us in total darkness of ignorance. May Allah forgive us all for tby then it is too late to cry foul or to bemoan our lot we the so called sons of Adam, the callipha or visgerent of this planet of our for we have shit enough onto the very plate that we are eating of that we cannot tell the difference anymore between what is Right and What is Wrong.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
To Terengganu and back
Arrived this morning from Kuala Trengganu after a chilling bus ride at least phhysically that is, the bus driver must have thought that he was bussing a load from Chicago. Everyone on the bus was crawled up onto the seats bured into the cushions or wrpped in two or three layers of cloathings. My cousin QAhmad Kalam picked me up from the Sungai Nibong bus terminal together with the Ary materials that i had gone to fetch from KTr. I got my roll of canvas and left over tubes of paints. Also found my stack of cheeburger buddha cartoons done over the years and brought them along.
In KTr. things has not stirred much from where or when they were left the last time I was there and my friends are still dealing with the same problems that they had been dealing with since i last talked to them. I spent a nught at Awi's Yellow House on the river in Pulau Duyong and it breought back memories of days gone by. Awi was till his old self selling and buying boats that are not exactly his just as he would buy and sell names, like name a guy and chances are Awi have met him or had some form of dealiongs with him before. Mr.Yes or Anthony is drunk as he has always been running around the place in his underwaer and raving about how dare his mother died on him at such a young age of seventy eight, Life's Bitch he kept telling me and then you die! Have I heard that saying before? That was his mother's saying and I kept playing along with his ravings as I neede a place to sleep the night.
Over the past few years that I have spent my time at the Yellow House I have met all kinds of travellers, some very intresting and knowlegeable while others were simply looking for a cheap and quaint place to stay. Most of the guests to the Yellow House were Europeans and some from Australi, there were a few regular Japamese travellers too who frequent the chalets. Most were seasoned travellers and they have been there before and some have stayed for weeks or months at times, its like a retreat for the international gypsies and universal hobos. Most camr here for the rustic setting and the cheap and laid back life that they can enjoy after their globtrotting or their hectic stint in the big cities and Awi's reputation as an accomodating and discreet host, respected or more or less feared by the locls who steers clear of the yellow House thus giving the residents the feeling a safe and comfort tot be there.
I drove to Batu Enam to visit my friend Azhar the Mechanic and learned that he had lost his boy Mizi to an unknown illness. His mechanic shop sits inside the Kampung away from the main raod and ot was surrounded by broken down vehicles looking like a graveyard of steel and oil. The same guys were crawled underneath the cars with the same greasy pants and elbow grease and Azhar was busy running from spare part to another picking and choosing from among the piles of jig saw puzzles pices of parts that he can use to fix his four wheeled patients with. He is a master creftsman no doubt, a man who knows the ailments of his engines just from listening to their sound or the smell of the exhaust fumes,
I met Azhar through my friend Fadzli, the computer negineer whom I had been working with to set up mu wb site since 2002 and has till now has not accomplished the task for one reason or another. The present web site that is has been set up by my friend David Carlso in LA is a continuation of Fadzli;s efforts which some how never got to completion. I have never really confronted him on the why and why nots simply because i feel that it is up to him to come to realization over the fact of the matter. I always kept telling him that my policy has always been that we should try to carry a project to as far as we could and see what then and thus where we are at now is how far Fadzli and i could accomplish despite all excusses. An un completed task is as good as a task not began and any who fails to see this lives an incomplete life present writer included. I sat with fadzli at his office loading images on to the discs for the web page that David had created with the hope that David can work with them. Well see how far it will take us this time and what each and everyone of us has in mind with regard to this ongoing unfinished project of ours.Who knows one day it will all come together and the pieces will fall into place and i would have decent website whereby I can share my works with the future generatios. A website created by two of my friends from East and West both computer whizzs. In the meantime I have to find myself a place to set up my painting studio so that I can start burning up the midnight oil creating for my upcoming show.
In KTr. things has not stirred much from where or when they were left the last time I was there and my friends are still dealing with the same problems that they had been dealing with since i last talked to them. I spent a nught at Awi's Yellow House on the river in Pulau Duyong and it breought back memories of days gone by. Awi was till his old self selling and buying boats that are not exactly his just as he would buy and sell names, like name a guy and chances are Awi have met him or had some form of dealiongs with him before. Mr.Yes or Anthony is drunk as he has always been running around the place in his underwaer and raving about how dare his mother died on him at such a young age of seventy eight, Life's Bitch he kept telling me and then you die! Have I heard that saying before? That was his mother's saying and I kept playing along with his ravings as I neede a place to sleep the night.
Over the past few years that I have spent my time at the Yellow House I have met all kinds of travellers, some very intresting and knowlegeable while others were simply looking for a cheap and quaint place to stay. Most of the guests to the Yellow House were Europeans and some from Australi, there were a few regular Japamese travellers too who frequent the chalets. Most were seasoned travellers and they have been there before and some have stayed for weeks or months at times, its like a retreat for the international gypsies and universal hobos. Most camr here for the rustic setting and the cheap and laid back life that they can enjoy after their globtrotting or their hectic stint in the big cities and Awi's reputation as an accomodating and discreet host, respected or more or less feared by the locls who steers clear of the yellow House thus giving the residents the feeling a safe and comfort tot be there.
I drove to Batu Enam to visit my friend Azhar the Mechanic and learned that he had lost his boy Mizi to an unknown illness. His mechanic shop sits inside the Kampung away from the main raod and ot was surrounded by broken down vehicles looking like a graveyard of steel and oil. The same guys were crawled underneath the cars with the same greasy pants and elbow grease and Azhar was busy running from spare part to another picking and choosing from among the piles of jig saw puzzles pices of parts that he can use to fix his four wheeled patients with. He is a master creftsman no doubt, a man who knows the ailments of his engines just from listening to their sound or the smell of the exhaust fumes,
I met Azhar through my friend Fadzli, the computer negineer whom I had been working with to set up mu wb site since 2002 and has till now has not accomplished the task for one reason or another. The present web site that is has been set up by my friend David Carlso in LA is a continuation of Fadzli;s efforts which some how never got to completion. I have never really confronted him on the why and why nots simply because i feel that it is up to him to come to realization over the fact of the matter. I always kept telling him that my policy has always been that we should try to carry a project to as far as we could and see what then and thus where we are at now is how far Fadzli and i could accomplish despite all excusses. An un completed task is as good as a task not began and any who fails to see this lives an incomplete life present writer included. I sat with fadzli at his office loading images on to the discs for the web page that David had created with the hope that David can work with them. Well see how far it will take us this time and what each and everyone of us has in mind with regard to this ongoing unfinished project of ours.Who knows one day it will all come together and the pieces will fall into place and i would have decent website whereby I can share my works with the future generatios. A website created by two of my friends from East and West both computer whizzs. In the meantime I have to find myself a place to set up my painting studio so that I can start burning up the midnight oil creating for my upcoming show.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
KungXi Fa Chai! - From the Jerejak Ferry terminal
The Chinese New Year came and went, and as with every national celebration and public holiday, I was working, selling ferry tickets to happy people on their happy vacations. Vacations they have earned after working all year round to save up the time and money to have a good time with friends and family away from home. Sadly enough in Malaysia, a good number never made it to their destinations or home as they end up as road accident victims. Malaysians lose their lives on the roads more and more each year so much so that we do not need a war to keep our population from exploding. However, for those who made it to the ferry terminal, i kept reminding myself that I am there to make their visit to the resort a welcome experience worth their time and money at least I try to make them feel welcome. I am the Gate Keeper to the Resort, I told my bosas one day as the guests who walk throught eh terminal meet and greet me and I them first, whatever their impressions of the place after that depends on their first impression of how they were met at the gate. This is my job, this is the job of anyone who holds a similar position as I do at any Hospitality facility. If you ever get a chance to stay at a four or five-star Japanese Hotel, you will get a good taste of what being welcome is all about; being treated with respect and dignity.
In the past few days of the Chinese New Year holidays, we made good sales of the resort, it was the most I have ever collected, and the boss seemed a little happier.I hope this will keep up into the future. As for my children, well, the girl has decided to test my stand on how many perimeters I would allow her now that she is growing into a teenager. In short, she is rebelling and getting support from her cousins, who are a year or two older than she. I see trying times ahead with her, and that is to be expected after all she is a Bahari. My son is doing better at being himself, the TV addict, and the kid who has not found what he is looking for. So far they are doing good as they are not into drugs or any form of negative activities that parents dread these days.
I have decided to take a few days off next week, starting Monday, and head for Terengganu to see my brothers and sisters, and friends over there. Catch up with what has been going on and share a few details as to my plans here. Perhaps if i can borrow a few dollars here and there to get my art show preparation going. I also want to get back whatever i have left of my art materials so that I can start on a few paintings to supplement for the show a I found that I am missing quite a few of my works here, either misplaced or stolen. I look forward to taking a break from this island and the life here, even from my children. Got to sit by the ocean at Tok Jembal, where we used to live and where I spent alot of time staring out at the horizon, wondering what might be. I have come a long way from driving a fancy car and having a bungalo for a residence and eating out every night; today I am living on practically borrowed money. But such is, such is. Let's see what tomorrow brings.
Got an email from an old friend in Japan, what a pleasant surprise! Emi Yanagisawa, what a lovely lady! And found another friend that I used to hang out with at the Rossi Park in San Francisco, where I used to babysit my children when my wife was teaching at UC Berkley Extension on Market Street. Well, it is good to know that some care to slow down and look into what is going on in the life and times of the Cheeseburger Buddha. Sometimes one wonders if the world and times we left behind simply up and disappear or that when we die, the world as we know it ceases to exist.
In the past few days of the Chinese New Year holidays, we made good sales of the resort, it was the most I have ever collected, and the boss seemed a little happier.I hope this will keep up into the future. As for my children, well, the girl has decided to test my stand on how many perimeters I would allow her now that she is growing into a teenager. In short, she is rebelling and getting support from her cousins, who are a year or two older than she. I see trying times ahead with her, and that is to be expected after all she is a Bahari. My son is doing better at being himself, the TV addict, and the kid who has not found what he is looking for. So far they are doing good as they are not into drugs or any form of negative activities that parents dread these days.
I have decided to take a few days off next week, starting Monday, and head for Terengganu to see my brothers and sisters, and friends over there. Catch up with what has been going on and share a few details as to my plans here. Perhaps if i can borrow a few dollars here and there to get my art show preparation going. I also want to get back whatever i have left of my art materials so that I can start on a few paintings to supplement for the show a I found that I am missing quite a few of my works here, either misplaced or stolen. I look forward to taking a break from this island and the life here, even from my children. Got to sit by the ocean at Tok Jembal, where we used to live and where I spent alot of time staring out at the horizon, wondering what might be. I have come a long way from driving a fancy car and having a bungalo for a residence and eating out every night; today I am living on practically borrowed money. But such is, such is. Let's see what tomorrow brings.
Got an email from an old friend in Japan, what a pleasant surprise! Emi Yanagisawa, what a lovely lady! And found another friend that I used to hang out with at the Rossi Park in San Francisco, where I used to babysit my children when my wife was teaching at UC Berkley Extension on Market Street. Well, it is good to know that some care to slow down and look into what is going on in the life and times of the Cheeseburger Buddha. Sometimes one wonders if the world and times we left behind simply up and disappear or that when we die, the world as we know it ceases to exist.
Monday, January 16, 2006
When things are not going right...
Got up this morning, my day off, thank God for little favors, si decided to clear my rooms of the dust that seems to ever persistant in every noo and crannies of the rooms. I have no hope of my teenage son ever geing of help when it comes to housekeeping hecant even put his own underwear into the cloaths basket. Such is when you become a bachelor dad and not making enough to give your kid his daily pocket money when he leaves for school. I am definitely hitting thr bedrock financially and dont see much light at the end of the drak tunnel. Sahme fully I hate to admit that my burden is being lightened by my daughter being adopted by my cousin and her daily and school needs is being cared for. I miss her very much and I feel very sad as I feel like I am slowly loosing her to someone else. Nothing at present hurts me more deep inside and mu soul is screaming out within at the pain and the helplessness I am feeling.
And my son simply comes home just to shower and sleep otherwise he too spents his time at the neighbor's mostly watching the Astro. Things are definitely not going too well for teh Baharis as we are getting ripped apart left and right and there is very little I am able to do to keep the family together. My wife thank God will not know of what is going on with us here as she is off in her own world Allah have mercy on her and keeps her safe and well cared for, I miss her very much too. As for my family here, I have stopped thinking about what they can or cannot do to help me in these times of need. To ask for any help from my brothers would only mean having to be kicked in my guts now that I am down and the less said the better it is on the subject.
So, where? what? How? I am going to dig for potatoes with my friend Cikgu Yusof at his friend's farm, that's whast i will do as soon as I had my lunch at his house. What comes next who knows and only Allah in His infinite mercy can decided what's right and what's wrong for me and my family and so to Hu I surrender my will and my destiny.
And my son simply comes home just to shower and sleep otherwise he too spents his time at the neighbor's mostly watching the Astro. Things are definitely not going too well for teh Baharis as we are getting ripped apart left and right and there is very little I am able to do to keep the family together. My wife thank God will not know of what is going on with us here as she is off in her own world Allah have mercy on her and keeps her safe and well cared for, I miss her very much too. As for my family here, I have stopped thinking about what they can or cannot do to help me in these times of need. To ask for any help from my brothers would only mean having to be kicked in my guts now that I am down and the less said the better it is on the subject.
So, where? what? How? I am going to dig for potatoes with my friend Cikgu Yusof at his friend's farm, that's whast i will do as soon as I had my lunch at his house. What comes next who knows and only Allah in His infinite mercy can decided what's right and what's wrong for me and my family and so to Hu I surrender my will and my destiny.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
The show must go on...
The day ended in a mess as far as ticket collection went as I had a hard time trying to make ends meet or the ticket sales and the cash to tally.The front desk manager was all out to help me make it right but I was not nit in the mood to listen to his long and winded explanation in his way of getting things done right but something about him and his ways just does not to appeal to me. But I was tired and so I had to leave and took a walk to clear my head before I went back to take care of business. Needless i am again on someone's shit list, what can I say? I can justify till doomsday with whys and hows but it will do no good. I hate to it quits as I dont know if i can keep up with handling people and money any more. I took on the job to prove to myself that I can deal with money and I think I am not to bad at it now but the odds here are against me as I am always handicapped by the lack of things and the resort is at its best when it comes to not having the right tool for the right job.
Oh well who am I kidding? I am not cut for being a ticket seller or a receptionist but at least I know aht it takes now that i have been through the ordeal. All I have to do now is pray harder that something will come by in the not too distant future like a successful art show that could launch my belated career as an Artist here in Malaysia. The show is set for the month of May and last night my friend Cikgu Yusof and I were invited to the Muzeum Director's home to drop off my journals and discuss about the exhihibition. We ended up talking through the night till about two am and mostly about life and religion. I like the guy, open minded and another seeker of the truth. His house is well decorated with art objects mostly his own works and antiques from various parts of the world.
Oh well who am I kidding? I am not cut for being a ticket seller or a receptionist but at least I know aht it takes now that i have been through the ordeal. All I have to do now is pray harder that something will come by in the not too distant future like a successful art show that could launch my belated career as an Artist here in Malaysia. The show is set for the month of May and last night my friend Cikgu Yusof and I were invited to the Muzeum Director's home to drop off my journals and discuss about the exhihibition. We ended up talking through the night till about two am and mostly about life and religion. I like the guy, open minded and another seeker of the truth. His house is well decorated with art objects mostly his own works and antiques from various parts of the world.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Hari Raya Haji
Today all Muslims celebrate Aidil Ardha or Hari Raya Haji as the Malays calls it celebrated for the end of the Hajj in Mecca. Here it is not celebrated as grandly as the Aidil Fitri to commemorate the end of the fasting month of Ramadan. Today i realized that I had only one Ringgit left in my wallet just enough to take abus ride home from work. After I toild this to one of my colleagues he loaned me five ringgit which is about one US Dollar, what a laugh! How do I survive the rest of the month of even pay for my kids school pocket money the next few days?Ha!Ha! what a bloody mess I am in, oh well shit could be worse, I mean Baghdad! The Gaza Strip? In the snow covered mountains of Kashmir? Shit could be in the form of Aids or thge Chicken Flu or any of the above or below.
Allah it is said that Allah detest one who is dependant on anything or anyone else other than Hu (instead of him, I too have decided to use the noun Hu fwhen refering to Allah in the second person). It is shirik or equal to idolaterous. Now that is tough to follow, I know because hell all my life I have beeen dependant of something or someone in one form or another, my mother my father my brothers and sisters and my loved ones and close friends and sometimes total strangers. But according to Holy verses or at leas to some interpretations of it as I cannoit understand Arabic myself, that's exactly what it said, no one or nothing to depend on except the Will of Allah or the grace of the AlMighty. I refer you to Ahmed Hulusi and his writings on this, easy, look it up on the internet.
How does one practice what is equivalent to becoming a Sunnyasi or a mendicant Monk, detatched from life and all its trappings? Allah knows I have tried and failed misserably and now I am stuck in the middle of it all like a fly smack into a fly-paper, a bee caught in the thick slime of honey that is slowly causing it to die. How does one step out of this vicious circle that I have created for myself without causing too much disruption in my relationships to others who matters in my life. My children, my wife, my relatives and friends who have come to find some form of respect in who I am despite all my weaknesses and shortcomings. How I wish Allah speaks or at least give some form of indication that He listens, childish? No! I seriously feel like I need to hear how far or how near I am or how right or wrong I am. Not from some other sources, not from somewhiz of a religious guru or a top notch shrink, no not from those who have 'seen the light', but from Hu. From the mouth or the Will or grace of the Maker Himself.
What an arrogant SOB I am! Who am I to demand such a treatment, such special favor from the Creator of this Universe? I am zip, in th eyes of the cattle much less in His when it comes down to it. But still it is out of His compassion that I am able to bitch and moan about my life. Had I been having a wonderous time in life at the moment would I be thinking in the same manner about life. Nahh!! I will most probably be figuring out how to go back to the US where the life of sheer decadence that i had led in the past still is luring me. Yes I am that bad when it comes to it, so what am I looking at? What would Shunryu Suzuki or Katagiri Roshi would have to say about this or what would the Dalai Lama or Thich Nat Hahn think of this mixed up kid? Naah!! they have their own crap to deal with I and my crap is the last thing on their mind whether they are alive or dead. What would Krishnamurti say in his intellectual-philosphical analysis of this ramblings of a Cheeseburger Buddha? He most probably tell me to stop my thoughts all together and see what happens.
So today it is Aidil Ardha and I wish all my fellow Muslims all over the world the blessings of Allah and may Hu grnats His infinite Mercy and Bounty on all of us, this lost soul ask for Hu's infinite Grace and compassion in forgiving all his transgressions in the effort to seek for the Truth in Allah.
Allah it is said that Allah detest one who is dependant on anything or anyone else other than Hu (instead of him, I too have decided to use the noun Hu fwhen refering to Allah in the second person). It is shirik or equal to idolaterous. Now that is tough to follow, I know because hell all my life I have beeen dependant of something or someone in one form or another, my mother my father my brothers and sisters and my loved ones and close friends and sometimes total strangers. But according to Holy verses or at leas to some interpretations of it as I cannoit understand Arabic myself, that's exactly what it said, no one or nothing to depend on except the Will of Allah or the grace of the AlMighty. I refer you to Ahmed Hulusi and his writings on this, easy, look it up on the internet.
How does one practice what is equivalent to becoming a Sunnyasi or a mendicant Monk, detatched from life and all its trappings? Allah knows I have tried and failed misserably and now I am stuck in the middle of it all like a fly smack into a fly-paper, a bee caught in the thick slime of honey that is slowly causing it to die. How does one step out of this vicious circle that I have created for myself without causing too much disruption in my relationships to others who matters in my life. My children, my wife, my relatives and friends who have come to find some form of respect in who I am despite all my weaknesses and shortcomings. How I wish Allah speaks or at least give some form of indication that He listens, childish? No! I seriously feel like I need to hear how far or how near I am or how right or wrong I am. Not from some other sources, not from somewhiz of a religious guru or a top notch shrink, no not from those who have 'seen the light', but from Hu. From the mouth or the Will or grace of the Maker Himself.
What an arrogant SOB I am! Who am I to demand such a treatment, such special favor from the Creator of this Universe? I am zip, in th eyes of the cattle much less in His when it comes down to it. But still it is out of His compassion that I am able to bitch and moan about my life. Had I been having a wonderous time in life at the moment would I be thinking in the same manner about life. Nahh!! I will most probably be figuring out how to go back to the US where the life of sheer decadence that i had led in the past still is luring me. Yes I am that bad when it comes to it, so what am I looking at? What would Shunryu Suzuki or Katagiri Roshi would have to say about this or what would the Dalai Lama or Thich Nat Hahn think of this mixed up kid? Naah!! they have their own crap to deal with I and my crap is the last thing on their mind whether they are alive or dead. What would Krishnamurti say in his intellectual-philosphical analysis of this ramblings of a Cheeseburger Buddha? He most probably tell me to stop my thoughts all together and see what happens.
So today it is Aidil Ardha and I wish all my fellow Muslims all over the world the blessings of Allah and may Hu grnats His infinite Mercy and Bounty on all of us, this lost soul ask for Hu's infinite Grace and compassion in forgiving all his transgressions in the effort to seek for the Truth in Allah.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Is there anybody out there??
I just got through trying to drum up support for my upcoming solo exhibition which is in May but no such luck. I even tried the Prime MInister's office where he used to hace an email address but the sddress seemed to have disappeared. I guese thereis too many yo yos like me writing nonsense to him and he got tired of it being a busy man that he is. I used to write to him when I was living in Terengganu offering him my two cents worth like develop the Pulau Duyong area and fix up the Kedai Payang area and so on. Well it looks like this has already been taken care of and good for him and the people of Terengganu. Just recently they had a world class regata of sailing yatches with world class competitors taking part in , the Monsoon Race it was called.
Oh well just my luck to be at the wrong place at the wrong time again but such is. Now how do I go about getting someone to sponsor my art show here? Last timke I checked in my checking account there is twelve Ringgit Malaysian left, I can hardly buy a brush with that and I cannot even get it out if I want to. The resort still owes me about two hundred RM fopr withdrawing my employee's provident fund when I am no more a contributing member after my retirement age, but due to some screw up they still cannot get it into my bank account. How do i live for the next few weeks, good question.
Today I discovered that i was short of fourty RM in my daily collections at the ferry terminal and so I had to cough out whatever is left in my wallet to reimburse for the missing forty as I hate trying to justify why or how this could have happened! Shit happens and sometimes it shits cats and dogs and I have to learn to eat this shit like it or not being a practicing Muslim that I am. I accept it as yet another test from the AlMighty, the Tester! What else? Well what is going on with my son in Switzerland? perhaps still piss off at the world for all the unfairness and injustices while his older brother is trying to find a second job because airline pilots dont make enought money to get by these days.The two I am having here with me has yet to be hit by the truth of not having. What else? my wife? I have almost forgotten about her these days and when I do remember her it hits me harder in my chest but no tears to my eyes as they seemed ran dry a long time ago. What else, where do I go for food tonight?
GOOD QUESTIONS AND THEY DESERVE BETTER ANSWERS!!!
Oh well just my luck to be at the wrong place at the wrong time again but such is. Now how do I go about getting someone to sponsor my art show here? Last timke I checked in my checking account there is twelve Ringgit Malaysian left, I can hardly buy a brush with that and I cannot even get it out if I want to. The resort still owes me about two hundred RM fopr withdrawing my employee's provident fund when I am no more a contributing member after my retirement age, but due to some screw up they still cannot get it into my bank account. How do i live for the next few weeks, good question.
Today I discovered that i was short of fourty RM in my daily collections at the ferry terminal and so I had to cough out whatever is left in my wallet to reimburse for the missing forty as I hate trying to justify why or how this could have happened! Shit happens and sometimes it shits cats and dogs and I have to learn to eat this shit like it or not being a practicing Muslim that I am. I accept it as yet another test from the AlMighty, the Tester! What else? Well what is going on with my son in Switzerland? perhaps still piss off at the world for all the unfairness and injustices while his older brother is trying to find a second job because airline pilots dont make enought money to get by these days.The two I am having here with me has yet to be hit by the truth of not having. What else? my wife? I have almost forgotten about her these days and when I do remember her it hits me harder in my chest but no tears to my eyes as they seemed ran dry a long time ago. What else, where do I go for food tonight?
GOOD QUESTIONS AND THEY DESERVE BETTER ANSWERS!!!
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Back to School
School start today for the kids, vacation is over all those hundreds of hours of TV worshipping days has finaly come to an end and my son has to get his act together or he is going to have a tough time rhis year. my baughter as always seems to have gotten her acts pretty much squared away and ready to face a new school with new faces and new expereinces. She has decided to switch schools from a coed predominantly malay school to Convent Girls school in Green lane where the world reknowned Nichol David the Squash world Champ was at one time a student. They will most probably erect a statue oher on the front lawn one of thses days as thay cannot give her enough for her accomplishment not that she does not deserve it.
Today I will try to get her settled down in her new school hoping that all will go well with no horrifying hitch in paper works horrors. My son I hope is faring well in getting himself into his second year at MBS. He is in form three and will be facing his exam this year and so I will have to crack the whip on him from now on. He was given a set of text books last night from a neighbour whose son was in form three last year and that helps me save some money and on top of that the father even handed his fifty Ringgit as a gift, that was a blessing as now he could purchase his new school uniforms. it looks like most of my financial woories with regards to getting the kids back into school is slowly coming to and end except for the 480 RM I will still nedd to pay the Penang Education Department to register my children as foreign students here. I thought I had squared away in Kuala terenggany when I paid the immigration department there three ahead for the fees and had their passports endorsed as foreign students for same number of years, but no such luck. Every department in the country has a need to feed.
Whatever happened to their citizenship applications? Last i heard the papers were in the hands of the Prime Minister's Private Secretatires' hands. At least that is what I think as I had personally handed them to a Datuk friend here who is a personal friend of the PM to have it handed over to the PM. Well what more can a man do other than ask how much I need to pay to get this nightmare off my mind and so that my children are no more in danger of getting arrested for having no proper Identification papers on thm or be able to apply for financial help or driver's liscence? HeY! This is my country too, I paid my taxes and if they check on it they will find that the Malaysian Government might even be owing me about a thousand RM in over charges. I have left my country when i was inspired to in my younger days to seek beyond the coconut shell that I had grown up under and now I have returned with the experiences and knowledge I had gained for nothing but to be treated like an illegal alien myself. This is Justice Malaysian style, Allhamdullillah!!!
Today I will try to get her settled down in her new school hoping that all will go well with no horrifying hitch in paper works horrors. My son I hope is faring well in getting himself into his second year at MBS. He is in form three and will be facing his exam this year and so I will have to crack the whip on him from now on. He was given a set of text books last night from a neighbour whose son was in form three last year and that helps me save some money and on top of that the father even handed his fifty Ringgit as a gift, that was a blessing as now he could purchase his new school uniforms. it looks like most of my financial woories with regards to getting the kids back into school is slowly coming to and end except for the 480 RM I will still nedd to pay the Penang Education Department to register my children as foreign students here. I thought I had squared away in Kuala terenggany when I paid the immigration department there three ahead for the fees and had their passports endorsed as foreign students for same number of years, but no such luck. Every department in the country has a need to feed.
Whatever happened to their citizenship applications? Last i heard the papers were in the hands of the Prime Minister's Private Secretatires' hands. At least that is what I think as I had personally handed them to a Datuk friend here who is a personal friend of the PM to have it handed over to the PM. Well what more can a man do other than ask how much I need to pay to get this nightmare off my mind and so that my children are no more in danger of getting arrested for having no proper Identification papers on thm or be able to apply for financial help or driver's liscence? HeY! This is my country too, I paid my taxes and if they check on it they will find that the Malaysian Government might even be owing me about a thousand RM in over charges. I have left my country when i was inspired to in my younger days to seek beyond the coconut shell that I had grown up under and now I have returned with the experiences and knowledge I had gained for nothing but to be treated like an illegal alien myself. This is Justice Malaysian style, Allhamdullillah!!!
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Happy New Year!!
Well, one whole year hass floated by and what Tsunami of a year for the Bahari family. We are still recoiling from the aftermath just like those Achehnese and the Pakistanis on the Kashmir boarder. My wife as my good friend David C. mentioned is most probably in heaven already waiting for us well where she is or her original mind is at the moment I pray to the AlMighty that she is well cared for and happy as Allah knows she deserves it after all that she has been through in this life.
I am looking forward to the year ahead as I feel like this is my year, I am going to hit paydirt through my Art one way or another, I can feel it in my bones!! After all the billionbs of lines I have been rendering on to my works not to mention brush strokes and splashing paints I could use a break. A niece in New York is trying to get me a sponsor for my upcoming show through the government agency of the Humanities and Fine Arts. If she can pull it off it will be a dream come true. my friend david in LA has finally got my works displayed at a site on the net.. its at
http://yogabb.com/shamsul/
For those who has been crazy enough to follow my trials and rambligs thus far I hope you will pop into the site and enjoy my creative side. Maybe in the near future David might be able to post a few shots to go with this blog too. I hope this new Year will bring brighter days for all of us all over the world, we sure could use more good vibes throughout this planet. My humble advice is simply sit, sit and watch your breath and when you have found it send it out with a positive vibe to the rest of the inhabitants of this planet. If you do not have the time to do this walk and watch your breath if not simply breath conciously more often instead of taking for granted the fact that you are breathing.
We are all vicegerents or caretakers and givers of this beautiful planet of ours and if we fail to recognize this woe unto us for we become loosers here and in the hereafter for those who believe. To those bent of being destructive and negative in this life I can only say that I hope their children and grand children will someday compensate for their ways. We have but one life and one planet to live by so while we are swimming in this fishbowl let us at least leave it in good shape for those who come after us.
I wish all a very Happy New Year and may Allah bless one and all.
I am looking forward to the year ahead as I feel like this is my year, I am going to hit paydirt through my Art one way or another, I can feel it in my bones!! After all the billionbs of lines I have been rendering on to my works not to mention brush strokes and splashing paints I could use a break. A niece in New York is trying to get me a sponsor for my upcoming show through the government agency of the Humanities and Fine Arts. If she can pull it off it will be a dream come true. my friend david in LA has finally got my works displayed at a site on the net.. its at
http://yogabb.com/shamsul/
For those who has been crazy enough to follow my trials and rambligs thus far I hope you will pop into the site and enjoy my creative side. Maybe in the near future David might be able to post a few shots to go with this blog too. I hope this new Year will bring brighter days for all of us all over the world, we sure could use more good vibes throughout this planet. My humble advice is simply sit, sit and watch your breath and when you have found it send it out with a positive vibe to the rest of the inhabitants of this planet. If you do not have the time to do this walk and watch your breath if not simply breath conciously more often instead of taking for granted the fact that you are breathing.
We are all vicegerents or caretakers and givers of this beautiful planet of ours and if we fail to recognize this woe unto us for we become loosers here and in the hereafter for those who believe. To those bent of being destructive and negative in this life I can only say that I hope their children and grand children will someday compensate for their ways. We have but one life and one planet to live by so while we are swimming in this fishbowl let us at least leave it in good shape for those who come after us.
I wish all a very Happy New Year and may Allah bless one and all.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Talk of bad Luck
The Jerejak Resort was out of electricity for the past three days as some idiot who was working on laying pipelines has cut an electri cable instead. This happened over Christmas when the resort was fully booked. Ill equipped to face the situation resort lost quite a few angry customers who left frustrated. The TNB ouir holy national power supplier took almost three days to get power via a generator to supply the resort and by then the damage is done. Today the resort ran out of food supplies i was told and again more angry guests checked out! We had one accident after another too in the past few weeks and who knows what else is in store.
I am looking forward to be promoted to a better position still despite these bad scenarios as I have the feeling that i am meant to take the bull or the devil by the hornsin this matter. When I had my talk with the boss I told him that I look at myself as a healer of sorts, not of individuals but of the place as a whole if the place needs healing. I believe in thin confession after looking back at my past working at places that were on the verge of falling apart or being shut down. One such place was H & H Ship Services on China basin in San francisco. I can safely say that I had a hand in putting Green Gulch Zen center back on its track while i was there. In Malaysia my methods has helped to iron out many situations that woould have otherwise been critical. All these i did without any concious effort towards achieving any goals but simply just to ease the burden or make the road seemed smoother for the rest of the employees or those involved.
Jerejak resort it seems will be a monumental challenge as it would take short of a miracle to turn this ailling hospitality industry into a success. The biggest challenge i foresee is in getting the employees to have an attitude change with respect to their jobs. Most of them are hard and willing workers but they do not work together wellespecially inter departmentally. Alot of egoism has got to be erased especially among the staff members whose attitude is like without them the resort would cease to function. The true meaning of service or hospitality has yet to sink into the minds of the staff and employees as most are self serving.
Then again what do i know? I am new at this job myself and Jerejak is known not for its beauty as an island but for its infamy as a one time leper colony and a detention center for drug abusers. Perhaps i have to work on healing the place itself like a shaman driving away all the evil spirits or bad vibes that still haunts the island. Well whatever it takes the task wil;l; not be easy and the bull is not going to lay down and let me run all over it or turn it into hamburger and the Devil will still be standing his ground in making sure that nothing good comes out of the place. My job will be to clean it all up one way or another and that is what I intend to do. Tough words for a cheeseburger buddha.
I am looking forward to be promoted to a better position still despite these bad scenarios as I have the feeling that i am meant to take the bull or the devil by the hornsin this matter. When I had my talk with the boss I told him that I look at myself as a healer of sorts, not of individuals but of the place as a whole if the place needs healing. I believe in thin confession after looking back at my past working at places that were on the verge of falling apart or being shut down. One such place was H & H Ship Services on China basin in San francisco. I can safely say that I had a hand in putting Green Gulch Zen center back on its track while i was there. In Malaysia my methods has helped to iron out many situations that woould have otherwise been critical. All these i did without any concious effort towards achieving any goals but simply just to ease the burden or make the road seemed smoother for the rest of the employees or those involved.
Jerejak resort it seems will be a monumental challenge as it would take short of a miracle to turn this ailling hospitality industry into a success. The biggest challenge i foresee is in getting the employees to have an attitude change with respect to their jobs. Most of them are hard and willing workers but they do not work together wellespecially inter departmentally. Alot of egoism has got to be erased especially among the staff members whose attitude is like without them the resort would cease to function. The true meaning of service or hospitality has yet to sink into the minds of the staff and employees as most are self serving.
Then again what do i know? I am new at this job myself and Jerejak is known not for its beauty as an island but for its infamy as a one time leper colony and a detention center for drug abusers. Perhaps i have to work on healing the place itself like a shaman driving away all the evil spirits or bad vibes that still haunts the island. Well whatever it takes the task wil;l; not be easy and the bull is not going to lay down and let me run all over it or turn it into hamburger and the Devil will still be standing his ground in making sure that nothing good comes out of the place. My job will be to clean it all up one way or another and that is what I intend to do. Tough words for a cheeseburger buddha.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
What would the new Year bring?
Sometimes life has its twists and turns as unprdictable as the movements of an eel on dry land and just as slippery to catch a hold of. What lays in store for me in the coming year? Will my luck take a more postive change or will bd luck still ride my on my back/ Who knows and at present there is very little that i can do but ride out these last few days of 05 and hope for the best on the future.
I was offered a better more challenging position at the resort which promisses a better salary and thus I look forward at least to this comes 06. The Jerejak is still going through alot of trials and tribulations with one problem cropping up after another looking like there is no end to it. There has been quite a few dismissals among the the managers and looks like the winds of change is blowing through the whole resort management division. Perhaps this is the much needed spring cleaning of personells who has not been performing their best for the benifit of the whole, or perhaps it is one form of cut backs as the resort is not doing too well financially. Guests visiting the resort has voiced complains of poor attitudes and services and the fact that the price is too high especially for the day trippers. But there is little that I can do except give these visitors breaks whenever i can to pacify them and make sure that they are not totally discontented with their visit to the resort.
I am looking forward to having my first Malaysian Solo exhibition show at the University Sains Gallery here in Georgetown, Penang.However I am a little purtubed by the fact that I might encounter financial difficult in getting my works framed professionally and perhaps create some new additional works to add to what I already have. The Gallery is quite large and sits in the heart of the business district here and so ther is a good flow of traffic. I guese this is my litmus test whether I am going to make or break as an artist here in this country.
My wife it seems is fully contented where she is at the Nursing Home in Waterloo, Illinois. According to my mother -in- Law she is happy and has been busy teaching the other patients who has come to like her prescence there. My wife wears a beautiful smile on her all the time regardless of the circumstances and for this many who has come to know her cannot afford but to like her being there. I have been praying to the AlMighty Allah every day for her safekeeping and well being and that is about all I can do for now other than making sure that her two children here are well looked after and grow into worthy adults. InSha'Allah, or Allah willing I will see that they return to the US again to see their mother whether she recognize them or not anymore. So far they have handled loosing her quite well and I hope it keeps that way for now as I am having a tough time as it is to keep them fed and cloathed and not to mention their school costs, hey what the heck, this is what life is all about ain't it? What a boring life it would it be not to have all these shit happening just to keep your mind tickled and your body in good shape. No sense in bitching and moaning especially when you know Allah is beside you, watching over your every move and directing your next step.
2005, I might say has been a downer for me and my family all around and I have been forced to make some drastic changes in my lifestyles and revaluated my principles and at teh same being humbled in my approach. Many great lessons have I learned from many sources that I sometimes was not aware of. I have been helped by many selfless kind hearted samaritans who made my trials a little less burdensome and eased my sorrows. I have llearned never to despair and surrendered my destiny to the Maker and Designer of this life. It is undoubtedly true for me to realize that it is in times of dire need that one turns to the Highest Authority for His devine grace to deliver one through these times of tribulations. I was lost as it was said but now I am found and I have found the Truth and the Truth is within me.
I was offered a better more challenging position at the resort which promisses a better salary and thus I look forward at least to this comes 06. The Jerejak is still going through alot of trials and tribulations with one problem cropping up after another looking like there is no end to it. There has been quite a few dismissals among the the managers and looks like the winds of change is blowing through the whole resort management division. Perhaps this is the much needed spring cleaning of personells who has not been performing their best for the benifit of the whole, or perhaps it is one form of cut backs as the resort is not doing too well financially. Guests visiting the resort has voiced complains of poor attitudes and services and the fact that the price is too high especially for the day trippers. But there is little that I can do except give these visitors breaks whenever i can to pacify them and make sure that they are not totally discontented with their visit to the resort.
I am looking forward to having my first Malaysian Solo exhibition show at the University Sains Gallery here in Georgetown, Penang.However I am a little purtubed by the fact that I might encounter financial difficult in getting my works framed professionally and perhaps create some new additional works to add to what I already have. The Gallery is quite large and sits in the heart of the business district here and so ther is a good flow of traffic. I guese this is my litmus test whether I am going to make or break as an artist here in this country.
My wife it seems is fully contented where she is at the Nursing Home in Waterloo, Illinois. According to my mother -in- Law she is happy and has been busy teaching the other patients who has come to like her prescence there. My wife wears a beautiful smile on her all the time regardless of the circumstances and for this many who has come to know her cannot afford but to like her being there. I have been praying to the AlMighty Allah every day for her safekeeping and well being and that is about all I can do for now other than making sure that her two children here are well looked after and grow into worthy adults. InSha'Allah, or Allah willing I will see that they return to the US again to see their mother whether she recognize them or not anymore. So far they have handled loosing her quite well and I hope it keeps that way for now as I am having a tough time as it is to keep them fed and cloathed and not to mention their school costs, hey what the heck, this is what life is all about ain't it? What a boring life it would it be not to have all these shit happening just to keep your mind tickled and your body in good shape. No sense in bitching and moaning especially when you know Allah is beside you, watching over your every move and directing your next step.
2005, I might say has been a downer for me and my family all around and I have been forced to make some drastic changes in my lifestyles and revaluated my principles and at teh same being humbled in my approach. Many great lessons have I learned from many sources that I sometimes was not aware of. I have been helped by many selfless kind hearted samaritans who made my trials a little less burdensome and eased my sorrows. I have llearned never to despair and surrendered my destiny to the Maker and Designer of this life. It is undoubtedly true for me to realize that it is in times of dire need that one turns to the Highest Authority for His devine grace to deliver one through these times of tribulations. I was lost as it was said but now I am found and I have found the Truth and the Truth is within me.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Perhaps the silver lining...
Today my boss asked for my resume with the intention of upgrading me to a better position perhaps even as a Health and Safety Officer. If so, than my patience is paying off. When I took the job as a ticket seller the man who interviewed me asked me why I am willing to accept such a low paying job and I told him that I am hoping for a better position in the future. The job at the ticket counter actually is not so bad as it has given me a lot of time to draw and look deeper within myself in my relations with the general public especially the Chinese and the Indians. Most of the time i have found it ver pleasant if not entertaining and i have come to learn how to communicate with these racial groups better often earning their respect.I have also learn to overcome my fear in dealing with money especially when it belongs to others which is one of the reasons I took the job. It was a challenge to overcome this handicap.
I told my boss the same reasons when he asked me the same question but I added the fact that I have also come to know the people i am working with and if i am to hold a higher position I will have an advantage of understanding who I am dealing with.In the process of doing my job I have earned the respects of my fellow workers, from the boatmen to the front office employees, from the gardeners to the kitchen staff. I realize that it will not be easy working with people who at one time were your superiors but being one of the oldest there has its advantages as everyone call you uncle.
I told my boss the same reasons when he asked me the same question but I added the fact that I have also come to know the people i am working with and if i am to hold a higher position I will have an advantage of understanding who I am dealing with.In the process of doing my job I have earned the respects of my fellow workers, from the boatmen to the front office employees, from the gardeners to the kitchen staff. I realize that it will not be easy working with people who at one time were your superiors but being one of the oldest there has its advantages as everyone call you uncle.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Shit Happens anyways...
Today is my off day from work and so i decided to tackle my daughter's school registration for next year which would take me to the school then to the education office and who knows where else as she also wants to transfer from her present school to another. My cousin Ahmad Kalam as always becomes my primary help driving me here and there and making sure that I do everything right. We frist headed fopr the secondary school where the signature of the principal was needed on all triplicate copies of the request forms. The Principal off course was not available but the substitute was in and so after convincing him that we were not getting hiom to sign his wealth away we headed for the education department. There we sorted out all the pertinent papers and was finally accepted as completing the paper works and now we wait. Then we decided to attempt the school tansfer fprocess and again we repeated the same route and finally when it was all done we headed for another side of town for the 'new' education department office where the transfer script would be processed. Along the way we had to come to a stop at a street light which had numbers and was turning from Zero to stop. My cousin applied the brakes and came to a stop. A few seconds later we were slamped from behind sending our car a few yards into the middle of the junction.
I noticed that my cousin was quite ok other than the fact that he was a little shaken up and then turning around I tried to get out of the car but found out that i could not open the door. The car that had ramped us from behind turned out to be a new sporty Volvo car driven by a young Chinese who was already on his handphone calling someone to inform of what had happened. Perhaps he was on the phone all along and that is why he failed to see the stopped car in front of him. Then the tow truck guys came all four of them handing out cards and the police arrived after taking one look at the mess told everyone to remove the vehicles as it was causing a traffic jam. My cousin left with the owner of the repair shop who had turned up and heade for the police station to make the report anf i followed the wrecked car towed to the repair shop to collect all the belongings from inside of the car.
My friend Cikgu Yusof came to take me home with all the items collected from my copusin's car. I told him that i felt guilty for what had happened as my cousin was involved in the accident on account of running an errand for me. He chastised me saying that i am back to the material man's mentality as it was not my fault or his for that matter and the 'test' was not for me but for my cousin. A spiritual man would just accept it as destiny, all meant to be for some odd reason beyond our comprehension.All the help that has been given to me he said consider them as my right, Allah's blessings and not to be questioned but accept with grace. All the negative incidents that I am experiencing at this point in my life consider them to be Allah's way of making me realize who I am and my relationship to Him, they are his ways of giving me a wake up call. If I doubt or become despair by what I am going through than I have deviated from Him and His infinite Mercy.
I went home later and laid down to sleep giving my body a rest from the trauma that I had just gone through and later did my laundry.
I noticed that my cousin was quite ok other than the fact that he was a little shaken up and then turning around I tried to get out of the car but found out that i could not open the door. The car that had ramped us from behind turned out to be a new sporty Volvo car driven by a young Chinese who was already on his handphone calling someone to inform of what had happened. Perhaps he was on the phone all along and that is why he failed to see the stopped car in front of him. Then the tow truck guys came all four of them handing out cards and the police arrived after taking one look at the mess told everyone to remove the vehicles as it was causing a traffic jam. My cousin left with the owner of the repair shop who had turned up and heade for the police station to make the report anf i followed the wrecked car towed to the repair shop to collect all the belongings from inside of the car.
My friend Cikgu Yusof came to take me home with all the items collected from my copusin's car. I told him that i felt guilty for what had happened as my cousin was involved in the accident on account of running an errand for me. He chastised me saying that i am back to the material man's mentality as it was not my fault or his for that matter and the 'test' was not for me but for my cousin. A spiritual man would just accept it as destiny, all meant to be for some odd reason beyond our comprehension.All the help that has been given to me he said consider them as my right, Allah's blessings and not to be questioned but accept with grace. All the negative incidents that I am experiencing at this point in my life consider them to be Allah's way of making me realize who I am and my relationship to Him, they are his ways of giving me a wake up call. If I doubt or become despair by what I am going through than I have deviated from Him and His infinite Mercy.
I went home later and laid down to sleep giving my body a rest from the trauma that I had just gone through and later did my laundry.
Monday, December 05, 2005
My Wife Nancy II
You were a traveller and a seeker just like me,you traveled to Russia even when you were in High school and then you lived in Japan for 10 years speaking and writng the language. You have lived in Malaysia for 6 years and almost become a good Muslim if you are not one already. You hold a Master's degree in Linguistics and have taught English for over twenty years of your life, what an achievement! Your children will know all thes one day when they decide to read this blog as it is primarily meant for them. It is my way of keeping a record of who they are and what their parents were.
Today our lives is at its nadir and we are seperated from each other, all of us as both our kids are living away from me with their friends and relatives. With them out of the way I am making full use of my time putting all my energies into taking the bull by the horns and by the Will of the AlMighty, pull all my resources and create a miracle that will bring all of us together again. I may be down but I am never out for so long as this mind and body is capable of working I will prevail.
So I will keep on sending my prayers to you so Allah will keep you at peace and contentment and that he will deliver us through this these difficult times of our lives. Know that everyday that I write this blog I am thinking of you if nothing else and let no one claim otherwise.
Karim has left for Kuala Terenggany to be with his buddies on the East Coast where it is the rainy season. The just had a Monsoon Regata there where racing sail boats from all over the world took part at Pulau Duyong, remember Awi's yellow and Hashim and his family? Well now that I am here in Penang things starts happening over there, just another bad luck. I miss those guys there, the simple life and the simple folks who treated us like one of their own for the six odd years we lived there. Marissa is staying in Brown Gardens, Penang with her cousins. She likes it there better than where I am living right now. She is growing up fast and more beautiful each day.
I am going to get her registered for next year for both Karim and her are required tro re-register with the Penang Education Department because of being foreign students. More paper works and more fees to be paid. I have no idea where i can get the money for their school fees and books for next year but I know it will be there when the time comes, call it faith for its all that I have got right now. Faith and the determination to succeed in this life despite all my failures in the past.
Today our lives is at its nadir and we are seperated from each other, all of us as both our kids are living away from me with their friends and relatives. With them out of the way I am making full use of my time putting all my energies into taking the bull by the horns and by the Will of the AlMighty, pull all my resources and create a miracle that will bring all of us together again. I may be down but I am never out for so long as this mind and body is capable of working I will prevail.
So I will keep on sending my prayers to you so Allah will keep you at peace and contentment and that he will deliver us through this these difficult times of our lives. Know that everyday that I write this blog I am thinking of you if nothing else and let no one claim otherwise.
Karim has left for Kuala Terenggany to be with his buddies on the East Coast where it is the rainy season. The just had a Monsoon Regata there where racing sail boats from all over the world took part at Pulau Duyong, remember Awi's yellow and Hashim and his family? Well now that I am here in Penang things starts happening over there, just another bad luck. I miss those guys there, the simple life and the simple folks who treated us like one of their own for the six odd years we lived there. Marissa is staying in Brown Gardens, Penang with her cousins. She likes it there better than where I am living right now. She is growing up fast and more beautiful each day.
I am going to get her registered for next year for both Karim and her are required tro re-register with the Penang Education Department because of being foreign students. More paper works and more fees to be paid. I have no idea where i can get the money for their school fees and books for next year but I know it will be there when the time comes, call it faith for its all that I have got right now. Faith and the determination to succeed in this life despite all my failures in the past.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
My Wife Nancy
I imagine you sit alone in your room often enough thinking of us perhaps if your mind is not far too gone to temember us, but we think and pray for you daily, we love you and will do all we can to be with you someday even if you have no memory of who we are.
We miss you, the children may not show it but I know they are doing their best to face the painful fact of their lives, their present and future and I have no answers for them except the fact that all is meant to be, It is Allah's will and we are His servant doing His bidding in this life. Perhaps it may sound like an escape to most western minds but I must declare that all that has transpired in my life is meant to be, a lesson in gettinhg to meet the Lord of Truth. I have been seeking throughout my life for the meaning of my life, why I am who I am and thus far have come to my knees banging on the door of the Al'Mighty for His infinite mercy and thankful for having been chosen to record my life for the sake of my children and grand children. What good is your life if it cannot be shared for its beauty and glory its pain and sufferings in the eye of the Lord.
He created man in His Image and awarded him with the one thing no other living soul posseses the capacity for Compassion, for Love and Devotion, He created me through His breath and His Creative Spirit. I am who I am, created to walk my life through from the day I was conceived till the day I am in my grave. I am on my journey to meet my Creator, my Lord and Master and He is running to meet me.
I have not become all Muslimised or trying to scare you as a Muslim bad guy out to blow up market places to proof a point, No I am a seeker who is almost home with what he has been seeking.
I am drinking sips of LIVITA (Honey)while a loud Bangladeshi is on the phone next door, the Muezzin is calling the faithful to their needs on the loud speaker from a nearby Mosque and the kids are doing battle on the computer behind me, I am at home! Allah is the Lord of Power, the Great, there is none, only Allah is to be worship. It took me a long time of long and windy roads for me to discover myself, for who or what I am, I have been down there as low as any man can get and I have climbed way up there where few I dare say touched in their single life span, and I have not even yet started. This included visiting Chinese and Hindu Temples, studying the Tao Te Ching and the Gita, meeting with great men and sharing my life with the women in my life. All along the way I have questioned my Lord, challenged Him, Tempt Him all for no apparent excuse, I became a Munafik a shirik, I was totally lost into the vortex of this physical life. While spinning in this crazy vortex that I met you in San Francisco, "We were two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl...year after year..." It was in 1998 I will never forget the great quake that hit the Bay Area during while the World series was about to take off between the SanFrancisco Giants against the Oakland A's. I was then living on Mission Street at what used to be the Sear's Roebuck department store, latter converted into the Unemployement Office, I shared a studio with another Artist while working as a produce buyer for Del Tomasso.
Its not it was love at first sight between us we both knew it at least I can still remember our life together spent at 191, Haight Street, in down town San Francisco.
Remember the Zen Center at 300, page street and David Carlson and Blanch! Remember Harold and Noreen and Elyeze and doctor Samuel Kawamoto(sam). Remember all those accupuncture sessions and me becoming the willing pin cusion to be practiced on? You were teaching ESL at the UCBerkley Extension on Market Street. You were well oved by all your foreign students, you were their favorite. I hold great pride in your dedication to teaching. The Malay students at KUSZA in Kuala Terengganu used to tease you as looking Angelic when you walk down the hallway in your colorful baju kurung and tudung. You have worked very hard and with dedication most of the life that I have known you. Youy deserve better than to simply vegitate away at the prime of your life and i am helpless to do a damn thing about it. I have played myself into the hands of fate, I have tempted fate a bit too far, but it is not over till the fat lady sings and I am not about to quit just yet, I just have to readjust a few strategies and rebound soon enough and all through I have found my true energy and devotion to the One, the Al'Mighty most Merciful and Compassionate, I found Allah again.
We miss you, the children may not show it but I know they are doing their best to face the painful fact of their lives, their present and future and I have no answers for them except the fact that all is meant to be, It is Allah's will and we are His servant doing His bidding in this life. Perhaps it may sound like an escape to most western minds but I must declare that all that has transpired in my life is meant to be, a lesson in gettinhg to meet the Lord of Truth. I have been seeking throughout my life for the meaning of my life, why I am who I am and thus far have come to my knees banging on the door of the Al'Mighty for His infinite mercy and thankful for having been chosen to record my life for the sake of my children and grand children. What good is your life if it cannot be shared for its beauty and glory its pain and sufferings in the eye of the Lord.
He created man in His Image and awarded him with the one thing no other living soul posseses the capacity for Compassion, for Love and Devotion, He created me through His breath and His Creative Spirit. I am who I am, created to walk my life through from the day I was conceived till the day I am in my grave. I am on my journey to meet my Creator, my Lord and Master and He is running to meet me.
I have not become all Muslimised or trying to scare you as a Muslim bad guy out to blow up market places to proof a point, No I am a seeker who is almost home with what he has been seeking.
I am drinking sips of LIVITA (Honey)while a loud Bangladeshi is on the phone next door, the Muezzin is calling the faithful to their needs on the loud speaker from a nearby Mosque and the kids are doing battle on the computer behind me, I am at home! Allah is the Lord of Power, the Great, there is none, only Allah is to be worship. It took me a long time of long and windy roads for me to discover myself, for who or what I am, I have been down there as low as any man can get and I have climbed way up there where few I dare say touched in their single life span, and I have not even yet started. This included visiting Chinese and Hindu Temples, studying the Tao Te Ching and the Gita, meeting with great men and sharing my life with the women in my life. All along the way I have questioned my Lord, challenged Him, Tempt Him all for no apparent excuse, I became a Munafik a shirik, I was totally lost into the vortex of this physical life. While spinning in this crazy vortex that I met you in San Francisco, "We were two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl...year after year..." It was in 1998 I will never forget the great quake that hit the Bay Area during while the World series was about to take off between the SanFrancisco Giants against the Oakland A's. I was then living on Mission Street at what used to be the Sear's Roebuck department store, latter converted into the Unemployement Office, I shared a studio with another Artist while working as a produce buyer for Del Tomasso.
Its not it was love at first sight between us we both knew it at least I can still remember our life together spent at 191, Haight Street, in down town San Francisco.
Remember the Zen Center at 300, page street and David Carlson and Blanch! Remember Harold and Noreen and Elyeze and doctor Samuel Kawamoto(sam). Remember all those accupuncture sessions and me becoming the willing pin cusion to be practiced on? You were teaching ESL at the UCBerkley Extension on Market Street. You were well oved by all your foreign students, you were their favorite. I hold great pride in your dedication to teaching. The Malay students at KUSZA in Kuala Terengganu used to tease you as looking Angelic when you walk down the hallway in your colorful baju kurung and tudung. You have worked very hard and with dedication most of the life that I have known you. Youy deserve better than to simply vegitate away at the prime of your life and i am helpless to do a damn thing about it. I have played myself into the hands of fate, I have tempted fate a bit too far, but it is not over till the fat lady sings and I am not about to quit just yet, I just have to readjust a few strategies and rebound soon enough and all through I have found my true energy and devotion to the One, the Al'Mighty most Merciful and Compassionate, I found Allah again.
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