Hari Raya Haji

Today all Muslims celebrate Aidil Ardha or Hari Raya Haji as the Malays calls it celebrated for the end of the Hajj in Mecca. Here it is not celebrated as grandly as the Aidil Fitri to commemorate the end of the fasting month of Ramadan. Today i realized that I had only one Ringgit left in my wallet just enough to take abus ride home from work. After I toild this to one of my colleagues he loaned me five ringgit which is about one US Dollar, what a laugh! How do I survive the rest of the month of even pay for my kids school pocket money the next few days?Ha!Ha! what a bloody mess I am in, oh well shit could be worse, I mean Baghdad! The Gaza Strip? In the snow covered mountains of Kashmir? Shit could be in the form of Aids or thge Chicken Flu or any of the above or below.
Allah it is said that Allah detest one who is dependant on anything or anyone else other than Hu (instead of him, I too have decided to use the noun Hu fwhen refering to Allah in the second person). It is shirik or equal to idolaterous. Now that is tough to follow, I know because hell all my life I have beeen dependant of something or someone in one form or another, my mother my father my brothers and sisters and my loved ones and close friends and sometimes total strangers. But according to Holy verses or at leas to some interpretations of it as I cannoit understand Arabic myself, that's exactly what it said, no one or nothing to depend on except the Will of Allah or the grace of the AlMighty. I refer you to Ahmed Hulusi and his writings on this, easy, look it up on the internet.
How does one practice what is equivalent to becoming a Sunnyasi or a mendicant Monk, detatched from life and all its trappings? Allah knows I have tried and failed misserably and now I am stuck in the middle of it all like a fly smack into a fly-paper, a bee caught in the thick slime of honey that is slowly causing it to die. How does one step out of this vicious circle that I have created for myself without causing too much disruption in my relationships to others who matters in my life. My children, my wife, my relatives and friends who have come to find some form of respect in who I am despite all my weaknesses and shortcomings. How I wish Allah speaks or at least give some form of indication that He listens, childish? No! I seriously feel like I need to hear how far or how near I am or how right or wrong I am. Not from some other sources, not from somewhiz of a religious guru or a top notch shrink, no not from those who have 'seen the light', but from Hu. From the mouth or the Will or grace of the Maker Himself.
What an arrogant SOB I am! Who am I to demand such a treatment, such special favor from the Creator of this Universe? I am zip, in th eyes of the cattle much less in His when it comes down to it. But still it is out of His compassion that I am able to bitch and moan about my life. Had I been having a wonderous time in life at the moment would I be thinking in the same manner about life. Nahh!! I will most probably be figuring out how to go back to the US where the life of sheer decadence that i had led in the past still is luring me. Yes I am that bad when it comes to it, so what am I looking at? What would Shunryu Suzuki or Katagiri Roshi would have to say about this or what would the Dalai Lama or Thich Nat Hahn think of this mixed up kid? Naah!! they have their own crap to deal with I and my crap is the last thing on their mind whether they are alive or dead. What would Krishnamurti say in his intellectual-philosphical analysis of this ramblings of a Cheeseburger Buddha? He most probably tell me to stop my thoughts all together and see what happens.
So today it is Aidil Ardha and I wish all my fellow Muslims all over the world the blessings of Allah and may Hu grnats His infinite Mercy and Bounty on all of us, this lost soul ask for Hu's infinite Grace and compassion in forgiving all his transgressions in the effort to seek for the Truth in Allah.