I have been working on an acrylic painting on a three feet by three feet of the Bodhisatva Kuan Yin and i felt great for a while until my son Karim Turned up at the house to tell me that he needed to go the Clinic for having a very high fever. Then my effort at painting started to decline and i lost the touch. After spending at painting all night long i slept in late and woke up to a call from a debt collector threatening me with all the worse case scenarios of a litigation that would end up if found guilty, I might have to pay over 12000 in court fees and such including being black listed and even my two children's future would be in financial jeopardy.
I made a business loan sometime in 2001-2 of ten thousand RM and had paid back since slightly more than half until my life took a bad turn with the untimely departure of my wife since 2004 when she had to be laid off for her illness and she later passed away in 2008 in Illinois, USA. I had to put my two children all through their high school years and later into the university and college while renting a place to stay and so forth, barely making ends meet. Till this day i hardly have any money to my name as i still am needed by my two children every now and then to help them out until they are totally on their own. I told all this to the Tekun', ( the Governemnt business loan) officer at their office here in Penang and she was nice enough to have me agree to pay one hundred a month to save my skin.
No, I have not much to share of life that is extra ordinary of late, I only am going through what most of my countrymen are going through with the very bad economic state the country is in. I am being threatened by an agency of a government that owes fifty odd billion RM to foreign debt.
Most of my friends have expressed the pressure that they are being faced with in their lives trying to run businesses and put their children through school, while the government is screaming that all is well. Malaysia is slowly becoming worse than a third world country sad to say and it is affecting the quality of life among the middle income earners while tossing the poor to the bins. Yes we are not starving or facing death on the streets as yet like in many other nations, but we are definitely on the way if things do not change for the better soon. We are at present as the former Prime Minister Tun Mahathir said sitting on a time bomb and now not only are we sitting on a political time bomb but we are also sitting on an economic melt down.
There will days when the world 'out there' seem more of a threat than usual and everything we see or do seem to be reflective of the negative rather than happening in the positive way as we expected. Old debts do catch up with us one way or another regardless of our financial status and they will always be haunting us till they are paid up in full. I do not have too many debts in my life except that my late wife's income tax status says that she owes the government some 38000RM to date since 2004, the time she was laid off from work as a lecturer at a college in Terengganu. I keep getting these reminders every now and then and am waiting for the income tax office to take my late wife to court or come after me instead. We need pressures in life but sometimes it gets too much when you are dealing with far away strangers and computer printed information. Just have to dance with it and not let it spoil your day even if you are having a bad one already.
Monday, July 18, 2016
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Lightness of being.
Like the polarities of each atomic particle oscillating and smashing against one another in space so is our very own existence from the day we were conceived in the womb upon the collision and integration of two atomic particles causing a fusion that releases a new from and energy into outer space; a new star is born. Throughout our lives we we exist either with an enlightened mind or blindly like a flotsam of wasted energy fulfilling our so called destiny while the the Universe expands and contracts accordingly. It is said in practically in every religious and spiritual belief that, we are the children of Light. We originate from Light and that our source is Light. However most humans have chosen willingly or otherwise to exist in the shadows of darkness or ignorance feeding upon the waste matter that lights generates rather than feed feeding upon light itself. It is a paradox that one cannot exist without the other, however the maintaining of of a good balance if crucial just as the balance that is equated in the atomic particles, both positive and negative are of equal values.
The Ancients and perhaps modern philosophers and scientists too, would tell us that we exist for a purpose and one may call it a 'Higher Purpose'. What this higher purpose serves is entirely up to our own personal understanding of who or what we truly are in the scheme of things Those of us who are able to slow down our mental fluctuations would be among those that see into this phenomena of Collective consciousness at work while others whose mental state is n constant hectic fluctuations will be veiled from seeing into the nature of our 'Cosmic Existence.;' the reason why we are here to serve a higher consciousness in negative or positive form.
Hence it is imperative that we generate light, the positive nature of our state of being in order that the Universe may continue on to expand and not the reverse. The Universe is a conscious living and breathing entity in itself as scientists are beginning to accept as they dig deeper into outer as well as inner space and we're all its creatures that is presently breathing in and out its gasses and digesting all its matter in one form or another and defecating it after converting it into other forms and structures are part and parcel to all that is; Creation. The danger man faces today is the fact that he is drifting more and more towards the excessive negative impulses, all for the sake of his personal or tribal survival alone. We have become pretty much a self serving creature, "Got to take care of Number One," 'My way is the only Way," "This land is mine." and all the rest of self serving proclamations the by product of ignorance of who we truly are, that like atoms in space our existence is not permanent. We exist on borrowed time and space and that upon cessation of our allotted time we give up our light within whether it be bright as a shooting star or darkened by the dross of our existing in ignorance having lived our lives as a 'bottom feeder' or at the lowest rank of the food chain, in which case we are returned to be recycled where the light within us is withdrawn through the process of melting away the layers of accumulations we have collected throughout our lives. In the religious sense we have hell fire to do the job of burning away the layers of dark stains we have accumulated throughout our lives in ignorance; most of us. For those who have made the effort to work towards the light of pure understanding, perhaps our lightness of being will raise us to heaven; towards the heavens.
The Ancients and perhaps modern philosophers and scientists too, would tell us that we exist for a purpose and one may call it a 'Higher Purpose'. What this higher purpose serves is entirely up to our own personal understanding of who or what we truly are in the scheme of things Those of us who are able to slow down our mental fluctuations would be among those that see into this phenomena of Collective consciousness at work while others whose mental state is n constant hectic fluctuations will be veiled from seeing into the nature of our 'Cosmic Existence.;' the reason why we are here to serve a higher consciousness in negative or positive form.
Hence it is imperative that we generate light, the positive nature of our state of being in order that the Universe may continue on to expand and not the reverse. The Universe is a conscious living and breathing entity in itself as scientists are beginning to accept as they dig deeper into outer as well as inner space and we're all its creatures that is presently breathing in and out its gasses and digesting all its matter in one form or another and defecating it after converting it into other forms and structures are part and parcel to all that is; Creation. The danger man faces today is the fact that he is drifting more and more towards the excessive negative impulses, all for the sake of his personal or tribal survival alone. We have become pretty much a self serving creature, "Got to take care of Number One," 'My way is the only Way," "This land is mine." and all the rest of self serving proclamations the by product of ignorance of who we truly are, that like atoms in space our existence is not permanent. We exist on borrowed time and space and that upon cessation of our allotted time we give up our light within whether it be bright as a shooting star or darkened by the dross of our existing in ignorance having lived our lives as a 'bottom feeder' or at the lowest rank of the food chain, in which case we are returned to be recycled where the light within us is withdrawn through the process of melting away the layers of accumulations we have collected throughout our lives. In the religious sense we have hell fire to do the job of burning away the layers of dark stains we have accumulated throughout our lives in ignorance; most of us. For those who have made the effort to work towards the light of pure understanding, perhaps our lightness of being will raise us to heaven; towards the heavens.
The Theory of Light and Darkness.
If there be no Peace within, how can there be peace without? If there be no Compassion within, how can one show genuine compassion without? If there is no Love within, how can Love manifest itself without? This the Ancient as well as the modern day philosophers and wise men have been pondering and the more iit is pndered the closer we get tot he answer that we are all merely mirrors of the Universe mirroring itself or God if one so inclined to look at it with the religious eye, God is looking at His own Creation through the eyes of man. Listening to Hans Zimmer through the ears of man, touching the keyboard through the fingertips of man.
The Universal Principle manifest itself through the actions of Man and after eons of collective thoughts, the mind has crystallized into one epic manifestation of creative energy that is now generating itself into another force like that of the Sun and it will one day explode or implode depending upon it frequency of vibrations as the positive vs the negative impulses of the human mental tendencies will eventually dominate one over the other. If the positive out weighs the forces of the the dark energy matter, then we may have Super Nova and the opposite will create the Black hole of anti matter. The laws of the Universe culminates upon the Collective Consciousness of the living beings that inhabit its inner dimensions while creating the material of its outer dimension. Scientists as well as Spiritualists from the Ancients to the Modern have been expounding this fact or feeling that we are the co-creators of the Universe we exist in not just us humans but the entire planetary array of sentient beings.
From the call of the bull frogs in the pond outside to the call of the hearts of the saints in their solitary confinements, he creative as well as the destructive forces of nature manifest itself and evolves into forms that eventually becomes one atomic energy oscillating in space among other energized thought formations. Our planet itself is but one such atomic particle in space and time and it can appear and disappear just like any other such atoms and molecules and it all begins deep within our inner subconscious minds where the source of energy lies. that which is the light that ignites to form
the source of light of being; the Universe.
The Universal Principle manifest itself through the actions of Man and after eons of collective thoughts, the mind has crystallized into one epic manifestation of creative energy that is now generating itself into another force like that of the Sun and it will one day explode or implode depending upon it frequency of vibrations as the positive vs the negative impulses of the human mental tendencies will eventually dominate one over the other. If the positive out weighs the forces of the the dark energy matter, then we may have Super Nova and the opposite will create the Black hole of anti matter. The laws of the Universe culminates upon the Collective Consciousness of the living beings that inhabit its inner dimensions while creating the material of its outer dimension. Scientists as well as Spiritualists from the Ancients to the Modern have been expounding this fact or feeling that we are the co-creators of the Universe we exist in not just us humans but the entire planetary array of sentient beings.
From the call of the bull frogs in the pond outside to the call of the hearts of the saints in their solitary confinements, he creative as well as the destructive forces of nature manifest itself and evolves into forms that eventually becomes one atomic energy oscillating in space among other energized thought formations. Our planet itself is but one such atomic particle in space and time and it can appear and disappear just like any other such atoms and molecules and it all begins deep within our inner subconscious minds where the source of energy lies. that which is the light that ignites to form
the source of light of being; the Universe.
Friday, July 08, 2016
I am a Born again Muslim.
The third day today of Eid Mubarak and time to come to a conclusion on the subject of Islam in my life. It has been a long struggle and a love hate relationship that I have had with my Lord, I have cursed and swore at Him in my younger head strong days and athas always been some point even pointed my middle finger up toI can only say thatwards the sky for one reason or another. I given up my religious faith in Him totally while living in the US and later Japan and now have returned to the fold after a whole lot of soul searching. Ironically, although being a sinner most of my life, my love hate relationship with Him has kept me more in touch with him than if I had been a a confirmed Muslim all my life; like a son who deserted his father but had held a remorse in his heart with every challenge thrown at him of the question of Faith.
Today although I may not yet be able to claim absolute right of being a born again Muslim, I strongly feel that for me Allah had always been there in times of my needing Him. On many instances i had been been delivered from harm by 'Forces' unknown and i can only say Alhamdullilah hiRabil Alamin. I had written a few of these instances in my Blog entries in the past and all I can say today is that I never really abandoned my Lord and neither has He abandoned me, we were just temporarily estranged. As i slowly started to rediscover my faith in my Lord I feel like I am walking on a more solid ground in my spiritual practice and i can speak freely from where i stand from this 'Dharma Position'.
Buddhism has been a step ladder for my climbing out of my quagmire of a deluded existence, but the Buddha's way only has led me to back to the doorsteps of Islamic faith and i say again that it is not out of fear of hell or the yearn to be in Heaven but it is my soul's realization in my true 'Buddha's nature': my covenant with The Lord of Creation. May i leave this round of existence as a Muslim in faith.
May all Muslims be awakened to the true teachings of the Prophet of Allah and find Peace and Tranquility within themselves. Happy Eid Mubarak to one and all wherever you may be. May Allah's blessings be upon you.
Today although I may not yet be able to claim absolute right of being a born again Muslim, I strongly feel that for me Allah had always been there in times of my needing Him. On many instances i had been been delivered from harm by 'Forces' unknown and i can only say Alhamdullilah hiRabil Alamin. I had written a few of these instances in my Blog entries in the past and all I can say today is that I never really abandoned my Lord and neither has He abandoned me, we were just temporarily estranged. As i slowly started to rediscover my faith in my Lord I feel like I am walking on a more solid ground in my spiritual practice and i can speak freely from where i stand from this 'Dharma Position'.
Buddhism has been a step ladder for my climbing out of my quagmire of a deluded existence, but the Buddha's way only has led me to back to the doorsteps of Islamic faith and i say again that it is not out of fear of hell or the yearn to be in Heaven but it is my soul's realization in my true 'Buddha's nature': my covenant with The Lord of Creation. May i leave this round of existence as a Muslim in faith.
May all Muslims be awakened to the true teachings of the Prophet of Allah and find Peace and Tranquility within themselves. Happy Eid Mubarak to one and all wherever you may be. May Allah's blessings be upon you.
PARIS: In a major development that should silence critics of Islam who have been blaming it for terrorism, UNESCO has declared that Islam is the most peaceful religion of the world.
The United Nations body released a statement earlier today that revealed that UNESCO had partnered with International Peace Foundation six months back to study all religions of the world and find out which was most peaceful amongst all.
The certificate and announcement from UNESCO has been welcomed by world leaders and religious leaders across the world. Dalai Lama is reported to have asked other religions to learn from Islam and try to be as nonviolent and compassionate as the religion of peace.
Junta ka Reporter. 
Rambbling on about my Faith.
Why the need to have faith in a higher order in my life? I have been asking this of myself for as long as i can remember and most of my life has been spent digging deeper and deeper into the question of Faith so much so that at one time i wrote in one of my sketch books, " I have faith in so much faith in others that i stop having faith in myself." That was when I started asking me, who am I? What is this that is calling itself 'I'? Through the years of my spiritual journey I have been making relentless effort into getting to know this entity that identifies itself as'I', that from which all my communications stems from. At the risk of repeating like a parrot of what contemporary Gurus such as Mooji or Sad Guru Dev, whose talks has become my regular pursuit, I can safely say that I have come upon my own conclusion as to who or what I am and they merely confirm my realizations although still yet to be perfected; I am far from a fully awakened being and i have my days just like every one else.
Most of my young adult life was spent in feeding my selfish egoistic needs and i can safely say that i had sometimes gone way over board in letting my self centered ego has its ways especially while living in the United States. My Bohemian life style knew no bounds; i was, as one of my closest friends said, incorrigible. I felt my head spun around when I fell very sick while living in Corte Madeira, Marin County California; I thought I was having a serious heart attack. I have written this somewhere in my Blog entries. It was from this moment on that I became seriously awakened to discover who I am and what my life was all about beyond money, women, booze and drugs. I entered the life of a Zen Buddhist practice at Green Gulch, Green Dragon Zen Center. It was here that I seriously began my spiritual journey to find out more about what life has in store for or closer yet why I was born in the first place.
I took my practice very seriously often having conflicts within for having been converted to Islam in my teen years which by right prohibits me from taking another faith as my spiritual belief. I justified myself from this by accepting the fact God would have wanted me to find out for myself rather than follow blindly what my mother or elder brother had to offer me as who I am; a Muslim. I shelved Islam for a span of time and focused on other religions and philosophies seeking better understanding, intellectually as well as spiritually the truth to this question.
I did not find solace in reading the Qur'an, well its translation as i have no Arabic background. I found the Qur'an to be harsh in propagating punishments more so than about Love and Compassion and the stories in it were mostly about the lives of Prophets who for the most full of flaws in their own lives. This was when i was an angry young man who blamed the religion for my misgivings growing up among my Muslim brothers and sisters; I should have remained a Buddhist instead. The Lord as the saying goes works in mysterious ways, and today I find my way back into the religion of my grandmother through my own volition and understanding and never out of fear of being stoned by the so called believers. I still have my doubts in Muslims however, I am far from convince of their true faith in the teachings as most i experience are more hypocrites than the non-Muslims I have come to know. As far as the Muslims goes Islam has become one of the most corrupted and weak religion that is evident by what is happening to Muslim countries all over the world.
No time in her history has Islam been brought down to its lowest state of affairs and more Muslims suffering at the hands or their own fellow man. Greed, Hate and Ignorance has become prevalent and the teachings of the prophet of Allah has become a mockery. Muslim leaders have become puppets to Western Rule while the Ummah takes pride in empty words recited in flowery sing song form the Holy Book but the action among most Muslims does not reflect the understanding of the text. Sectarian conflict alone is enough to make Islam a diseased Religion while cultural and tribal ignorance has made a mockery out of the faith. But i have embraced the religion with all determination that it will all one day be brought to fruition when the All Mighty decides to take charge before it all comes to pieces beyond repair. Will there ever be a Muslim leader in the near future bold and wise enough to take the bull by the horns and direct the fate of mankind towards Peace and Harmony? Thus far, not a soul in sight.
Peace is Islam today is only found in the greeting of one Muslim to another, Asalamuallaikum! Peace be unto you. Muslims should add to this with the saying 'and me'. Muslims today i find are the most uof on-peacefull people on earth. They assume and believe they are but most are not, most are at war within themselves. They are not at peace within and if one doubt this say something negative about the religion and you will find you have a war on your hand. Muslims have little tolerance when it comes to the religion being criticized or ridiculed, it becomes personal and demands retribution almost instantly and by this act alone most Muslims believe they are fighting for God. Muslims lack the patience and perseverance in the face of confrontation simply because within themselves they lack the true substance of peace. Jesus is said to have said that if they slap you on your right cheek offer them your left, and Jesus was considered a Muslim Prophet in Islam. What does he meant?
When there is peace in every Muslim heart as the Qur'an has instructed Islam will not be a 'Terrorist Religion'. When each and every Muslim understands the nature of 'Patience' in his mind, there will be peace in the Muslim world, if there is Peace within, only then can there be Peace without. This peace within will only come through inner reflections of one self and not from without through fiery sermons from the pulpit in mosques or prating five times a day to fulfill an obligation to God; each and every Muslim has to realize peace within himself. Hence each and every Muslim must look within and come to his or her own conclusion as to who or what he or she is in the eyes of his Maker. He who knows himself, knows his Maker quoted the Prophet or Allah. To call oneself a true Muslim takes more than just being able to perform all the obligations set down by the Book but it is also to come to realize one's true nature that is paramount in Islam. Islam is found within each and every man for Allah resides within not out there somewhere.
When I sit I am praying with every breath I take in and out the Name of Allah, just as the Hindu call out to Lord Shiva or the Buddhist to Buddha and the Christians to God. This is my expression of faith for my Lord, lest my ego thinks otherwise.
;
Most of my young adult life was spent in feeding my selfish egoistic needs and i can safely say that i had sometimes gone way over board in letting my self centered ego has its ways especially while living in the United States. My Bohemian life style knew no bounds; i was, as one of my closest friends said, incorrigible. I felt my head spun around when I fell very sick while living in Corte Madeira, Marin County California; I thought I was having a serious heart attack. I have written this somewhere in my Blog entries. It was from this moment on that I became seriously awakened to discover who I am and what my life was all about beyond money, women, booze and drugs. I entered the life of a Zen Buddhist practice at Green Gulch, Green Dragon Zen Center. It was here that I seriously began my spiritual journey to find out more about what life has in store for or closer yet why I was born in the first place.
I took my practice very seriously often having conflicts within for having been converted to Islam in my teen years which by right prohibits me from taking another faith as my spiritual belief. I justified myself from this by accepting the fact God would have wanted me to find out for myself rather than follow blindly what my mother or elder brother had to offer me as who I am; a Muslim. I shelved Islam for a span of time and focused on other religions and philosophies seeking better understanding, intellectually as well as spiritually the truth to this question.
I did not find solace in reading the Qur'an, well its translation as i have no Arabic background. I found the Qur'an to be harsh in propagating punishments more so than about Love and Compassion and the stories in it were mostly about the lives of Prophets who for the most full of flaws in their own lives. This was when i was an angry young man who blamed the religion for my misgivings growing up among my Muslim brothers and sisters; I should have remained a Buddhist instead. The Lord as the saying goes works in mysterious ways, and today I find my way back into the religion of my grandmother through my own volition and understanding and never out of fear of being stoned by the so called believers. I still have my doubts in Muslims however, I am far from convince of their true faith in the teachings as most i experience are more hypocrites than the non-Muslims I have come to know. As far as the Muslims goes Islam has become one of the most corrupted and weak religion that is evident by what is happening to Muslim countries all over the world.
No time in her history has Islam been brought down to its lowest state of affairs and more Muslims suffering at the hands or their own fellow man. Greed, Hate and Ignorance has become prevalent and the teachings of the prophet of Allah has become a mockery. Muslim leaders have become puppets to Western Rule while the Ummah takes pride in empty words recited in flowery sing song form the Holy Book but the action among most Muslims does not reflect the understanding of the text. Sectarian conflict alone is enough to make Islam a diseased Religion while cultural and tribal ignorance has made a mockery out of the faith. But i have embraced the religion with all determination that it will all one day be brought to fruition when the All Mighty decides to take charge before it all comes to pieces beyond repair. Will there ever be a Muslim leader in the near future bold and wise enough to take the bull by the horns and direct the fate of mankind towards Peace and Harmony? Thus far, not a soul in sight.
Peace is Islam today is only found in the greeting of one Muslim to another, Asalamuallaikum! Peace be unto you. Muslims should add to this with the saying 'and me'. Muslims today i find are the most uof on-peacefull people on earth. They assume and believe they are but most are not, most are at war within themselves. They are not at peace within and if one doubt this say something negative about the religion and you will find you have a war on your hand. Muslims have little tolerance when it comes to the religion being criticized or ridiculed, it becomes personal and demands retribution almost instantly and by this act alone most Muslims believe they are fighting for God. Muslims lack the patience and perseverance in the face of confrontation simply because within themselves they lack the true substance of peace. Jesus is said to have said that if they slap you on your right cheek offer them your left, and Jesus was considered a Muslim Prophet in Islam. What does he meant?
When there is peace in every Muslim heart as the Qur'an has instructed Islam will not be a 'Terrorist Religion'. When each and every Muslim understands the nature of 'Patience' in his mind, there will be peace in the Muslim world, if there is Peace within, only then can there be Peace without. This peace within will only come through inner reflections of one self and not from without through fiery sermons from the pulpit in mosques or prating five times a day to fulfill an obligation to God; each and every Muslim has to realize peace within himself. Hence each and every Muslim must look within and come to his or her own conclusion as to who or what he or she is in the eyes of his Maker. He who knows himself, knows his Maker quoted the Prophet or Allah. To call oneself a true Muslim takes more than just being able to perform all the obligations set down by the Book but it is also to come to realize one's true nature that is paramount in Islam. Islam is found within each and every man for Allah resides within not out there somewhere.
When I sit I am praying with every breath I take in and out the Name of Allah, just as the Hindu call out to Lord Shiva or the Buddhist to Buddha and the Christians to God. This is my expression of faith for my Lord, lest my ego thinks otherwise.
;
Thursday, July 07, 2016
My Conclusion of what my Faith is.
On this new day of the Islamic calendar I wish to take the opportunity to give my thanks to the Lord of the Universe for having seen me through yet another year which was filled with many challenges, trials and tribulations. I am grateful for having made it with my health still intact although some parts of me are beginning to function less than they normally would, like my eyes are beginning to be a little bit blurry and my energy overall is somewhat less than it used to be, these are to be expected for a man who is approaching the seventies. At least mentally I am still able to keep up with this Blogging with each Blog entry I am able to let go of my feelings and make amendments to my errors and misgivings.
Alhamdullilah Hirabil Alamin! My gratitude to Him, Lord of the Universe! May he continue to lead me along the straight and narrow path towards His Seat or Arash and may He bless me with His Wisdom and Kindness, May He protect me and my family and make of them great Muslims in the eyes of My Lord. I have lived long enough to be said to have been given a bonus of longevity as compared to many of my friends and loved ones and for this I am grateful. I have made many good friends along the way and some are closer to me than my own siblings, and along the way I have also offended some and for these I can only ask for their forgiveness. I will always love Humanity no matter what shape color or form they may come in and honor each and every man his or her being just as i would mine. I will continue on to foster peace and understanding among all my fellow human beings and share my understanding of life through my Blogging.
Through my religious studies of various other faith and spiritual practices I have come to fully accept Islam as my Way of Life and will make every effort to fulfill all its obligations to the best of my ability without any more excuses or justifications. I am fortunate to have been given the chance to practice the faith living among devote Muslims of relatives and friends here in Malaysia. They have been my guides and i have been their reluctant student. All along i have come to realize too that not many have forced me towards doing what i did not want to and as such i now know that it has always been up to me to be or not to be. I have come to embrace Islam like a man who enters the Mosque through the back door. I have yet to go a long way to be able to call myself a good Muslim, but i have arrived at the point of no return whereby there will be no other faith I would adhere to but only the religion of Islam as revealed unto the Prophet of Allah.
I do not and will not claim Islam to be the only true religion, better or worse than any other faith, but to me there no God, Only Allah and that Mohammad is His messenger. The 'Kitab' AlQur'an was first revealed during the Month of Ramadan and it is the last of the of the Holy Books revealed to the last of the Prophets of Allah; it is a conclusive revelation that wraps up the religion of Abraham and his two sons Ismail and Isaac. From Isaac sprung the Judeo-Christian faith while through Ismail religion of Islam. All Jews, Christians and Muslims are brothers in faith and is no doubt in my mind, except those who chose to write their own version of the religions for their own self serving benefit. As for the religions of Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism and the various other religions in the East, I believe they too are part and parcel of the 'Bigger Picture' of Mankind's Faith and spiritual practices as they precedes the Judeo-Christian -Islamic faith. For those who have the open heart and minds to discover their own true nature all they have to do is 'Read' or 'Iqrar!' as the first word in the Holy Qur'an had declared. There is no wrong or right religion, there is only Right Way to living life for the benefit of the Whole of Mankind. The Unity of Man is the only thing that stands between us and the total Chaos and anarchy facing us in the near future; Islam to me is a religion of Unity.
Alhamdullilah Hirabil Alamin! My gratitude to Him, Lord of the Universe! May he continue to lead me along the straight and narrow path towards His Seat or Arash and may He bless me with His Wisdom and Kindness, May He protect me and my family and make of them great Muslims in the eyes of My Lord. I have lived long enough to be said to have been given a bonus of longevity as compared to many of my friends and loved ones and for this I am grateful. I have made many good friends along the way and some are closer to me than my own siblings, and along the way I have also offended some and for these I can only ask for their forgiveness. I will always love Humanity no matter what shape color or form they may come in and honor each and every man his or her being just as i would mine. I will continue on to foster peace and understanding among all my fellow human beings and share my understanding of life through my Blogging.
Through my religious studies of various other faith and spiritual practices I have come to fully accept Islam as my Way of Life and will make every effort to fulfill all its obligations to the best of my ability without any more excuses or justifications. I am fortunate to have been given the chance to practice the faith living among devote Muslims of relatives and friends here in Malaysia. They have been my guides and i have been their reluctant student. All along i have come to realize too that not many have forced me towards doing what i did not want to and as such i now know that it has always been up to me to be or not to be. I have come to embrace Islam like a man who enters the Mosque through the back door. I have yet to go a long way to be able to call myself a good Muslim, but i have arrived at the point of no return whereby there will be no other faith I would adhere to but only the religion of Islam as revealed unto the Prophet of Allah.
I do not and will not claim Islam to be the only true religion, better or worse than any other faith, but to me there no God, Only Allah and that Mohammad is His messenger. The 'Kitab' AlQur'an was first revealed during the Month of Ramadan and it is the last of the of the Holy Books revealed to the last of the Prophets of Allah; it is a conclusive revelation that wraps up the religion of Abraham and his two sons Ismail and Isaac. From Isaac sprung the Judeo-Christian faith while through Ismail religion of Islam. All Jews, Christians and Muslims are brothers in faith and is no doubt in my mind, except those who chose to write their own version of the religions for their own self serving benefit. As for the religions of Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism and the various other religions in the East, I believe they too are part and parcel of the 'Bigger Picture' of Mankind's Faith and spiritual practices as they precedes the Judeo-Christian -Islamic faith. For those who have the open heart and minds to discover their own true nature all they have to do is 'Read' or 'Iqrar!' as the first word in the Holy Qur'an had declared. There is no wrong or right religion, there is only Right Way to living life for the benefit of the Whole of Mankind. The Unity of Man is the only thing that stands between us and the total Chaos and anarchy facing us in the near future; Islam to me is a religion of Unity.
Pictures of Nature in motion.
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| My first sunset upon arrival at the farm was awesome, |
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| Sunset has always been my favorite subject to capture. |
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| I try to share the banality of life in my pictures to evoke the feeling of groundedness. |
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| Framing the sunset is a very significant aspect of my picture. |
Selamat Hari Raya - Eid Mubarak!
It's Aidil Fitri or as the Malays calls it Hari Raya Puasa, Eid Mubarak in its original language. Naturally i did pretty bad this year too and worse i almost caused a heart attack to my daughter when I did not return after three days of disappearing. Four days ago I decided to take a retreat from the scene that I was in which was becoming more sour by the day. Fasting was not doing it for me and i struggled against every little thing in my life...some calls it pressure. Muslim Malays calls it 'Dugaaan!' Ramadan, or the Testing of the Holy Month of Ramadan.
I simply admit that i do not have what it takes to call myself a disciplined Muslim man, I am man of weak substance, I am not a man of strong will power and perseverance, I broke my fast for a few days and i lied, and i hide. I feel shame no doubt and one of the reasons I had to retreat was because I had to find my very quiet space and bring myself to take charge of the situations i am in. It is my 'Testing' and it is between The Creator and me. I succumbed to my 'Nafs' or ego or the thought created 'self' and as such committed trangressions towards my Lord. For three nights i remained virgill in the hut alone at the foothills of the village of Lintang where the SRI LOVELY organic Padi farm is located. I wrestled with my mind or call it my demons over the hows and why i think so much, what are thoughts are and how they have influence over me in between short sleep over rough bamboo floor. Whenever i awaken i would 'sit' and contemplate my mind as I had little else to do or occupy myself, while breathing deeply and realigning my achy body and and to ease the pressure at the lower back of my skull. (high blood pressure?)
After I have found the space of calmness and peace, I talk to the All Mighty begging for his forgiveness and mercy over all my sins big and small, seen and unseen, those that i have committed and those that that i am yet to commit that i am presently committing. I ask Him to forgive both my parents, my wife and the rest of my siblings and family. I ask Him to lead me in the Right Path and make all my wishes be fulfilled without hindrances. I ask Him to protect me against His 'Tests' and against my own nafs. I call out to Him to forgive me my weaknesses and shortcomings, egoistic tendencies and my ignorance; for He is Oft Forgiving and Most Merciful. Then I would lay down again on the bamboo floor of the bamboo hut, with ants crawling all over me and inside my cloth and mosquitoes buzzing around my ears i curled up my body and force myself to sleep. I find respite until something else outside would wake me up, like goats running amok all over the nearby huts. Or a motorcycle rode in at the ungodly time of the night. I would sit, and repeat the same process often doing body stretches to work out the aches and pains.
Eventually i ended up staying at the farm till on the morning of the Aidil Fitri itself not realizing it. Two boys came on a motorcycle to inform me that their father had invited me to eat at his house, I asked them," Are you not Fasting?" and one of them said, "Mamu, its Hari Raya today!" I was shocked and immediately got packed up and head for Penang after dropping by for a short visit to the Captain's house, He told me that my daughter has sent out a bulletin for my disappearance it's all over the Internet. Apparently the Captain had not known that i was staying at the farm and when my daughter had called two days earlier he had told her that he had not seen me. So Marissa pressed the panic button and spread the message around among my friends and my sons that i have gone missing. She even text her brother in Dubai and the one in Switzerland. I was not in the right state of mind and being there had helped me to see a little better of where i am at. I should be thankful and blessed of the fact that there are those who genuinely cared for my well being. That I was allowing external events dominate my mind.
As soon as i arrived in Penang we went for a pizza at Gurney Paragon with our friend Raymond. As they shopped at the Daiso, Japanese outlet selling everything at RM5, I realized how I was sitting and staring at a group chickens playing around me in the most remote area of Litang and now three hours later i am staring at Japanese nick-nacks. Such Is! Selamat Hari Raya Puasa, Happy Eid MUbarak!
I simply admit that i do not have what it takes to call myself a disciplined Muslim man, I am man of weak substance, I am not a man of strong will power and perseverance, I broke my fast for a few days and i lied, and i hide. I feel shame no doubt and one of the reasons I had to retreat was because I had to find my very quiet space and bring myself to take charge of the situations i am in. It is my 'Testing' and it is between The Creator and me. I succumbed to my 'Nafs' or ego or the thought created 'self' and as such committed trangressions towards my Lord. For three nights i remained virgill in the hut alone at the foothills of the village of Lintang where the SRI LOVELY organic Padi farm is located. I wrestled with my mind or call it my demons over the hows and why i think so much, what are thoughts are and how they have influence over me in between short sleep over rough bamboo floor. Whenever i awaken i would 'sit' and contemplate my mind as I had little else to do or occupy myself, while breathing deeply and realigning my achy body and and to ease the pressure at the lower back of my skull. (high blood pressure?)
After I have found the space of calmness and peace, I talk to the All Mighty begging for his forgiveness and mercy over all my sins big and small, seen and unseen, those that i have committed and those that that i am yet to commit that i am presently committing. I ask Him to forgive both my parents, my wife and the rest of my siblings and family. I ask Him to lead me in the Right Path and make all my wishes be fulfilled without hindrances. I ask Him to protect me against His 'Tests' and against my own nafs. I call out to Him to forgive me my weaknesses and shortcomings, egoistic tendencies and my ignorance; for He is Oft Forgiving and Most Merciful. Then I would lay down again on the bamboo floor of the bamboo hut, with ants crawling all over me and inside my cloth and mosquitoes buzzing around my ears i curled up my body and force myself to sleep. I find respite until something else outside would wake me up, like goats running amok all over the nearby huts. Or a motorcycle rode in at the ungodly time of the night. I would sit, and repeat the same process often doing body stretches to work out the aches and pains.
Eventually i ended up staying at the farm till on the morning of the Aidil Fitri itself not realizing it. Two boys came on a motorcycle to inform me that their father had invited me to eat at his house, I asked them," Are you not Fasting?" and one of them said, "Mamu, its Hari Raya today!" I was shocked and immediately got packed up and head for Penang after dropping by for a short visit to the Captain's house, He told me that my daughter has sent out a bulletin for my disappearance it's all over the Internet. Apparently the Captain had not known that i was staying at the farm and when my daughter had called two days earlier he had told her that he had not seen me. So Marissa pressed the panic button and spread the message around among my friends and my sons that i have gone missing. She even text her brother in Dubai and the one in Switzerland. I was not in the right state of mind and being there had helped me to see a little better of where i am at. I should be thankful and blessed of the fact that there are those who genuinely cared for my well being. That I was allowing external events dominate my mind.
As soon as i arrived in Penang we went for a pizza at Gurney Paragon with our friend Raymond. As they shopped at the Daiso, Japanese outlet selling everything at RM5, I realized how I was sitting and staring at a group chickens playing around me in the most remote area of Litang and now three hours later i am staring at Japanese nick-nacks. Such Is! Selamat Hari Raya Puasa, Happy Eid MUbarak!
Saturday, July 02, 2016
On this morning of Ramadan - First Day of the third quarter.
It is mentioned in the Qur'an that The Lord has closed all the door
to hell and put a restraining order upon all evil beings such as Satan and his cohorts from making any influence in the lives of man during the fasting Month of Ramadan. Hence if one is to commit transgressions or sins, go against the Lord's command, it will not be because one is hearing voices telling one to do so but one is committing such acts by one's own volition. In other words one's 'nafs' or ego as i interpret it to be is fully responsible for making such erroneous decision to disobey God. Thus during this Holy Month of Ramadan, Allah is testing you through your ego, to see if you or your 'lower nature' has control of you life.
The age old question arises, what is ego? or what is nafs?
Nafs (نَفْس) is an Arabic word (cognate of the Hebrew word nefesh נפש) occurring in the Qur'an and means self, psyche[1] ego or soul. In the Quran, the word is used in both the individualistic (e.g. verse 2:48) and collective sense (verse 4:1), indicating that although humanity is united in possessing the qualities of a "soul/nafs/consciousness" they are individually responsible for exercising the agencies of their "free will" that it provides them.. Wikepedia.
“And the soul and the perfection given to it. Thus was given awareness of its evil and its good. He succeeded who purified it and he failed who corrupted it”
(91:7-10)
(91:7-10)
“And as for him who fears the status of his Lord and forbids the soul from low desires
Then surely the heaven is the abode.”(79:40, 41)
Then surely the heaven is the abode.”(79:40, 41)
“O confident soul!
Return to your Lord pleased (with Him), pleasing (Him).
So enter among my servants
And enter to my heaven.”(89:27, 28)
Return to your Lord pleased (with Him), pleasing (Him).
So enter among my servants
And enter to my heaven.”(89:27, 28)
Exploring Islam - Abdullah Rahim.
Thus from the above quotes of the Holy Qur'an one is to assume that nafs is the negative side of the Soul in man? A bi product that has to be restrained and pacify in order that one can manifest the goodness in the soul. The question is whi is making this assessment? This observation? The good side of the soul or God? Is the soul then a split entity or both potentially good and evil and if so who is policing the choices that is made, to do good or bad in life? Is there then a third entity that is neutral making all the observations and arriving at the choices, good or bad.
I am not challenging the infallibility of the Holy Book or the words of God, but am just wondering at the interpretation or 'Tafsir', seeing if there is more to it than just as it is. I watched a talk given by a member of the senate give a speech to shut up his opponent by stating that one cannot apply 'Logic' when interpreting or discussing the words of God, or something to that effect, I think that is crap. Allah says, "Read!" as the first word in the Qur'an and He did not went on to say Read blindly or with blind 'Faith'. He has given us 'Free will' to think for ourselves and the mind came into being. Is the mind the third entity that is making the observations over matters right or wrong hat is being commuted by the Dual Soul? Or is the 'Mind' or free will is the culprit that is influencing and causing the split in the soul's having to and capacity to choose.
There can never be two souls split or otherwise. The true nature of the human soul can never realized or revealed by man unless it is sanctioned by God; it is one of the secret of secrets that man is incapable of knowing through his thinking mind. The Prophet of Allah was given a brief glimpse of it but was also told not to dwell on the issue, hence the human soul is in Allah's domain and remain so. But eh nafs is something for man to come to terms with if he is to become purified in his words, thoughts and deeds. This is the primary reason why man has to get to know himself first and foremost; Who is he, Who am I? Am I the soul, the alter soul or the ego (nafs). Who do blame for not fasting during this month of Ramadan,or worse committing heinous crimes as is happening now all over the Middle East, during this Holy Month?
The human soul is said to have made a covenant with the Lord before conception into this realm of existent and that was the ultimate profess that there is none but Allah as the Logos or Divine Injunction. With this covenant it is clear that the Human Soul was created pure from all stains or duality just as the first Human Soul was created in the Image of the Lord, Adam (AIS), the first Man. When did nafs crept into his consciousness as an entity; the Story of Genesis or Creation itself might shed some light on this and herein begins man's own interpretation of his 'Being'. When did it all began?
Is man's consciousness or awareness the third or neutral factor that helps to make all the 'Right Choices' and if so how do we develop this faculty that in essence governs our free will...WallahuAllam...only He knows.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Through the years of my Blogging, since 2005, I have maintained that my prime concern with life is to turn all the negative into positive; events, experiences, self inflicted errors, bad habits and all else that has been my faults. I cannot turn back time to erase these wrongs nor can i repay all my debts to all those who I owe them to in one form or another, nor am I going to justify to myself of make excuses for my past actions, but I will do my best to make it my intention in cleaning up my slate by doing what i have been doing through my Blogging. I will keep on writing all that arises in my mind of past present and future such that it will help for me to understand myself better and come to know: Who Am I.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record I will keep on repeating this 'Mantra', that I will not forget this purpose i owe to my life and existence and to all those I have wronged in the past in one way or another. This writing has taken a life of its own over the years, it has become something more than just a diary/biography of who i am This writing has become more than just a confessional, it has become my means of laying it all out before the Universe, before God, before that which Is as a form of record of atonement and self purification. Simply put, it is my way of baring myself naked before the Whole. My ultimate goal is to attain to my Spiritual Awakening and my Complete Enlightenment and leading to my Final Liberation from this state of ignorance. I will continue on this journey till my last breath, existing every minute of the day in investigating all that transpires within and without of myself, observing my thoughts as they manifest themselves and making all effort in maintaining my posture as a 'Truth Seeker', for lack of better term.
While travelling through the three South Western States of New Mexico, Arizona and Colorado sometime in 1978-79, I made it an effort to stop at every Native American National Monument Areas to savor the depth of their Spiritual Quest. I sat alone at night on top of a Mesa close by to, "The City of Rocks', National Monument at Almo, New Mexico. I might have written of this experience sometime somewhere in my Blog because it was an experience that I cannot forget easily: it was my Vision Quest of sorts. I stood stark naked underneath a glorious starlit sky and held my arms out to pay homage to the 'Great Spirit' and listened to the coyote sang in the distant Prairie around below me. I felt safe, I felt the awesomeness of the Universe around me and I felt like a fool watching a family of Prairie chicken parade two feet away from where i sat, led by the mother hen and I am sitting on top of a Mesa, (table top mountain) a hundred feet or so from the ground. Where did they come from and why are they not afraid of me, where did they go?
I realized that he Universe often enough talks to you and if you listen well it will reveal to you the mysterious that you normally would fail to notice. If you ask with genuine interest to know sometimes the answers will come to you in the least ways of your expectation; prairie chickens!
At the risk of sounding like a broken record I will keep on repeating this 'Mantra', that I will not forget this purpose i owe to my life and existence and to all those I have wronged in the past in one way or another. This writing has taken a life of its own over the years, it has become something more than just a diary/biography of who i am This writing has become more than just a confessional, it has become my means of laying it all out before the Universe, before God, before that which Is as a form of record of atonement and self purification. Simply put, it is my way of baring myself naked before the Whole. My ultimate goal is to attain to my Spiritual Awakening and my Complete Enlightenment and leading to my Final Liberation from this state of ignorance. I will continue on this journey till my last breath, existing every minute of the day in investigating all that transpires within and without of myself, observing my thoughts as they manifest themselves and making all effort in maintaining my posture as a 'Truth Seeker', for lack of better term.
While travelling through the three South Western States of New Mexico, Arizona and Colorado sometime in 1978-79, I made it an effort to stop at every Native American National Monument Areas to savor the depth of their Spiritual Quest. I sat alone at night on top of a Mesa close by to, "The City of Rocks', National Monument at Almo, New Mexico. I might have written of this experience sometime somewhere in my Blog because it was an experience that I cannot forget easily: it was my Vision Quest of sorts. I stood stark naked underneath a glorious starlit sky and held my arms out to pay homage to the 'Great Spirit' and listened to the coyote sang in the distant Prairie around below me. I felt safe, I felt the awesomeness of the Universe around me and I felt like a fool watching a family of Prairie chicken parade two feet away from where i sat, led by the mother hen and I am sitting on top of a Mesa, (table top mountain) a hundred feet or so from the ground. Where did they come from and why are they not afraid of me, where did they go?
I realized that he Universe often enough talks to you and if you listen well it will reveal to you the mysterious that you normally would fail to notice. If you ask with genuine interest to know sometimes the answers will come to you in the least ways of your expectation; prairie chickens!
The State of the Nation. -in a nutshell
Sometime yesterday our Chief Minister, Mr. Lim Guan Eng was arrested accused of corruption involving the purchase of a banglo for himself. There goes the man with the 'Tunnel vision', Guan Eng wants to built an underwater tunnel liking Penang to the Mainland, an additional means of getting across tot he island after the second bridge being constructed. He intends to leave a legacy behind in no small way perhaps name it after his father, Lim Kit Seang. Be as it may, I like both of them as both father and son are fighters in the political arena the few left who can provide a check and balance against the Najib led Malaysian Government. Ever since 'the Tiger of Jelutong', the late Karpal Singh has departed and the former Deputy Primemininster, Anwar Ibrahim has been safely shoved back into the prison, and the PAS leadership playing both ways left and right. ther is fewer and fewer opposition team left to make sure of an equalizer in the running of the country.
Like what was said by the former Prime Minister Tun Dr. Mahathir, the country is going to the dogs economically and democracy is becoming a dictatorship under the unstoppable Najib Tun Razak rule. Malaysia has become a rouge nation if not a failed one in the eyes of many Western countries and the 'Rakyat' are still oblivious to what is going on. The state of the nation is one of unpredictability and we are headed for a major disaster if nothing is done to steer her clear off the perilous waters ahead. Most of the people, especially the Muslim Malay community and especially the government employees are still existing in denial living within their comfort zones playing it safe not to rock the boat of political uncertainties.
We Malaysians are indeed living in our dark moment in history of the country and i am making this entry just so i would not accused of failing history in my lengthy account about my life and times. There is indeed too much corruption all around from top to bottom and the ones that suffers most are those at the bottom of the food chain, the poor and the destitute and those on the verge of loosing everything they had dreamed of achieving. Suicide cases are indeed on the rise and road rage is becoming a common phenomena. What holds the fragile link between the different races that makes up this country is slowly eroding with decadence and despair. The trust between races are being compromised at a scale worse than prior to the May13th.1969 incident. We are indeed living on top of a powder keg about to blow up in our faces , only this time it would be so big a bang that we might never recover from it.
It looks like up to date no one side is going to give in as the politicians are going for their guns but none is really doing any shooting yet. Most are taking pokes at the other still unsure what it is all about as the government bureaucracy makes it almost impossible for transparency in what is truly happening.
However as my friends at the fisherman's jetty said, it is the fasting Month and this is just one more test the Lord has given us to deal with. Worse come to worse we will soon run out of options and the country will take a nose dive into yet another ocean or we might cease to exist as a Nation as we owe everyone around us so much that in order to repay all the debts we owe we might have to mortgage the country itself. I genuinely hope we will find a way out sooner than later before shit hits the fans.
Like what was said by the former Prime Minister Tun Dr. Mahathir, the country is going to the dogs economically and democracy is becoming a dictatorship under the unstoppable Najib Tun Razak rule. Malaysia has become a rouge nation if not a failed one in the eyes of many Western countries and the 'Rakyat' are still oblivious to what is going on. The state of the nation is one of unpredictability and we are headed for a major disaster if nothing is done to steer her clear off the perilous waters ahead. Most of the people, especially the Muslim Malay community and especially the government employees are still existing in denial living within their comfort zones playing it safe not to rock the boat of political uncertainties.
We Malaysians are indeed living in our dark moment in history of the country and i am making this entry just so i would not accused of failing history in my lengthy account about my life and times. There is indeed too much corruption all around from top to bottom and the ones that suffers most are those at the bottom of the food chain, the poor and the destitute and those on the verge of loosing everything they had dreamed of achieving. Suicide cases are indeed on the rise and road rage is becoming a common phenomena. What holds the fragile link between the different races that makes up this country is slowly eroding with decadence and despair. The trust between races are being compromised at a scale worse than prior to the May13th.1969 incident. We are indeed living on top of a powder keg about to blow up in our faces , only this time it would be so big a bang that we might never recover from it.
It looks like up to date no one side is going to give in as the politicians are going for their guns but none is really doing any shooting yet. Most are taking pokes at the other still unsure what it is all about as the government bureaucracy makes it almost impossible for transparency in what is truly happening.
However as my friends at the fisherman's jetty said, it is the fasting Month and this is just one more test the Lord has given us to deal with. Worse come to worse we will soon run out of options and the country will take a nose dive into yet another ocean or we might cease to exist as a Nation as we owe everyone around us so much that in order to repay all the debts we owe we might have to mortgage the country itself. I genuinely hope we will find a way out sooner than later before shit hits the fans.
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Sometimes you just have to resort to the old ways.- 28/6/2016 -Revised.
I had a mini Satori again last night when I dropped by to visit my buddies at the fisherman’s jetty off the Jelutong Freeway. I arrived feeling the worst bout of gastritis I'd had in a long time—likely due to fasting and irregular food intake, or perhaps one of those countless causes I can no longer fathom or care to explore. These days, I just accept the pain and carry on.
They offered me a local brew—air ketum—a bitter herbal drink made from the leaves of the pokok ketum plant. In the past, villagers across rural Malaysia used it as a remedy for ailments and to boost stamina in the rice fields or while braving the sun and sea. Today, it’s a controversial plant—praised by some, demonized by others, and outlawed by the government due to its misuse by the youth.
Pokok Ketum, also known as Pokok Biak or Kratom (botanical name: Mitragyna speciosa korth), is native to parts of Africa, Northern and Central Malaysia, and Southern Thailand. In Thailand, it goes by names like Kakuam, Ithang, or Thom; in the United States, it’s simply known as Kratom.
Boiled into a dark, bitter tea, air ketum is often chased with something sweet—Coke, bottled drinks, or coffee—to mask the taste. It can make you high if overconsumed, but half a glass was enough for me. I let out a deep, satisfying burp and felt the pressure in my chest subside. I’ve used it before, while working in the hot sun weeding at the organic farm. It gave me an inner strength I hadn’t realized I had. It helps me sleep too, though I only take it when it’s offered, and rarely, largely because I still can’t stand the taste.
Like all natural substances, there’s a line between use and abuse. Sadly, many young people today cross that line and become consumed by it.
Anyway, back to my Satori.
Someone passed around a joint, and I took a few tokes. Almost instantly, my body began to unravel. The pains emerged—deep, buried aches, not just physical but mental too. I hadn’t realized how tightly wound I’d become, how much tension had built up over the past few weeks. So I did what I always do when I’m high: I sat. I breathed deeply. Slowly. I went inward.
As I sank into the breath, my body began its natural yogic routine—stretching, twisting, flexing, aligning bones and muscles. It happens effortlessly, as if the body remembers something the mind has forgotten. I worked through each knot, watched each pain drop away like sour fruit.
The others barely noticed, half-watching a religious talk show on TV, already used to my odd movements. But I emerged from the process light—relieved, renewed. The aches were gone. The pressure lifted.
And I realized something: I’ve spent years studying consciousness, self-discovery, the art of letting go—but I’d failed to live it. I got hijacked by the noise, tangled in domestic worries, and the pressure of Ramadan. I nearly buckled under the weight of things that, in truth, don’t matter.
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I had forgotten to breathe. To let go.
I told all this to a close friend there. He just nodded and said, “It’s the test of Ramadan.”
Taking the next Leap of Faith.
It is as though every time i approach the edge and about to take that leap of faith into the unknown i find myself pulled back by some form of attachment or some form vexation to this realm of my existence. These phenomenal experiences have strong holds on me often enough as they involves the ones i love most and care about at the present moment in my life. There are times when i felt like taking a blind leap into the abyss and merge into the unknown of what lies before me, within and without. But i have been holding myself back for whatever reason and it seems like it is becoming a form of procrastination, or perhaps i am becoming cold with comfort of existing in my present state of mind and well being. I know i will need to take that flight soon before i am stuck for good in this rut and unable to break myself free from the tedium of growing old and dying in my bed not having fulfilled my journey of liberation from this realm of mind created existence.
I have to free myself from flip flopping back and forth between this and that, right and wrong and have the courage to let it all go as I had more than once in my past intended to do but for one reason of another faltered and regressed. I know i have to take that final leap and not look back and it will have to be soon as i feel my life winding down with chest pains and what ever else going on within my physical form. I am getting tired more easily and my muscles aches all over from lack of movement. My eyes are cloudy like i am walking in haze covered landscape, I need to visit the Optometrist or adjust to the changes as i know i cannot afford the cost in my present financial state and it does not really worry me the lose of my eyesight gradually as i have seen enough, more than my share with them, perhaps it is a blessing that i start seeing less as i get into my old age.
As for my children, both of them have made their choices to leave home and embark upon their own journey and I am confident that they will both learn to survive on their own without my being around to prop then up every time they made the wrong turn. They have grown up tough and perhaps even as wise as the old man and are a source to be reckoned with in their own ways. I have led them thus far to the water's edge, it is up to them to drink or not to where knowledge, belief or faith is concern; the choice to be is theirs as this Blogging itself is testimony of my commitment to all four of my children and perhaps my daughter in law too. What they choose to make of it all is entirely up to them, however it was my intention when i was asked to do it, to write all my thoughts down for better or worse, good or not so, right or wrong, that those who will come after me can benefit in some small way from this ramblings.
I have to free myself from flip flopping back and forth between this and that, right and wrong and have the courage to let it all go as I had more than once in my past intended to do but for one reason of another faltered and regressed. I know i have to take that final leap and not look back and it will have to be soon as i feel my life winding down with chest pains and what ever else going on within my physical form. I am getting tired more easily and my muscles aches all over from lack of movement. My eyes are cloudy like i am walking in haze covered landscape, I need to visit the Optometrist or adjust to the changes as i know i cannot afford the cost in my present financial state and it does not really worry me the lose of my eyesight gradually as i have seen enough, more than my share with them, perhaps it is a blessing that i start seeing less as i get into my old age.
As for my children, both of them have made their choices to leave home and embark upon their own journey and I am confident that they will both learn to survive on their own without my being around to prop then up every time they made the wrong turn. They have grown up tough and perhaps even as wise as the old man and are a source to be reckoned with in their own ways. I have led them thus far to the water's edge, it is up to them to drink or not to where knowledge, belief or faith is concern; the choice to be is theirs as this Blogging itself is testimony of my commitment to all four of my children and perhaps my daughter in law too. What they choose to make of it all is entirely up to them, however it was my intention when i was asked to do it, to write all my thoughts down for better or worse, good or not so, right or wrong, that those who will come after me can benefit in some small way from this ramblings.
I need to have a Show soon!
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| The Malay Artist Gallery, on Chulia Street, Goergetown, Penang |
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| Viewing my Solo Exhibition. |
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| Works were installed by MGTF Crew. |
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| My cousin Ahmad kalam in Bright Yellow Batik shirt. |
Monday, June 27, 2016
My faith in Islam.
Spiritually making what others think or feel I feel like i have been regressing into allowing for compromising myself to please those around me than being true to who I am or have come to know myself to be. All the years of deep research and practices on my own or with the help of my teachers and Gurus seems to mean less and less important although deep in my heart i still experience the transcendence truth that i have reached at some levels whereby I know who or what i truly am and what my spiritual beliefs and understanding are in essence. One of the primary cause of this regression is perhaps this need to please those around me, to make them feel like I belong and that their ways are the right path i should follow which in this case the Islamic faith. Again let me reemphasize here that i have arrived at accepting Islam as my religion or faith and it has been not because i was converted into it or because i have read or listened to anyone's views of it, I am a Muslim by choice arrived at through my journey of self discovery.
Having lived almost half my life in the West as well as in Japan, I have tasted, investigated, researched and analyzed all the other faiths and religious beliefs without fear of being accused as an apostate. On one of my visit home from the US some years ago my twin brother drove me all the way to KL from Kuala Terengganu, a journey that took five to six hours more of less. We hardly spoke a word all the way until we approached the outskirts of KL when he turned around and told me that I could be killed for having practiced Buddhism and the other religious faith as i was a Muslim back then. I did not say much as i knew it would only led to bigger arguments between us. Later at his home in KL he again raised the issue and this time he was even more serious. By then I realized that I will always remain an outcast among my Muslim brothers and sisters and that I have to resolve this one way or another.
To make such a choice of faith is not something that can happen overnight for a man like me who has more than one ax to grind about life as I have known it growing up into adulthood. I blame no one but my own ignorance that I have been led down this path in life, now that i have aged and approaching the pearly gates, I have arrived at my own conclusion somewhat as to what or where my faith lies in and no man can tell me who, how or when to pray without my consent and if I do it is only out of respect for those I love and look up to and for what they believe.
I have always said when asked what my religion is, that I am a Christian if you are, a Buddhist if you are, a Hindu, a Muslim a Jain, a Bahai, if you are; my God has no religion, as the Mahatma said. before anyone point his or her finger at me, i ask that they look very closely at their own finger if it is stainless and pure. The Prophet of Allah had warned that those who point a finger in accusation of fault to be mindful that the other four fingers are pointing right back at them... right or wrong, WallahuAllam, only the Lord knows.
Having lived almost half my life in the West as well as in Japan, I have tasted, investigated, researched and analyzed all the other faiths and religious beliefs without fear of being accused as an apostate. On one of my visit home from the US some years ago my twin brother drove me all the way to KL from Kuala Terengganu, a journey that took five to six hours more of less. We hardly spoke a word all the way until we approached the outskirts of KL when he turned around and told me that I could be killed for having practiced Buddhism and the other religious faith as i was a Muslim back then. I did not say much as i knew it would only led to bigger arguments between us. Later at his home in KL he again raised the issue and this time he was even more serious. By then I realized that I will always remain an outcast among my Muslim brothers and sisters and that I have to resolve this one way or another.
To make such a choice of faith is not something that can happen overnight for a man like me who has more than one ax to grind about life as I have known it growing up into adulthood. I blame no one but my own ignorance that I have been led down this path in life, now that i have aged and approaching the pearly gates, I have arrived at my own conclusion somewhat as to what or where my faith lies in and no man can tell me who, how or when to pray without my consent and if I do it is only out of respect for those I love and look up to and for what they believe.
I have always said when asked what my religion is, that I am a Christian if you are, a Buddhist if you are, a Hindu, a Muslim a Jain, a Bahai, if you are; my God has no religion, as the Mahatma said. before anyone point his or her finger at me, i ask that they look very closely at their own finger if it is stainless and pure. The Prophet of Allah had warned that those who point a finger in accusation of fault to be mindful that the other four fingers are pointing right back at them... right or wrong, WallahuAllam, only the Lord knows.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
And the fasing Must go on.
It has been a dragging kind of fasting month for me as i weigh back and forth what and why I am as I am not truly in sync with what is going on as far as the fasting goes. I know I should be more serious about this holy month in carrying out the precept laid down by the holy book and all but my heart is still not into it and it is not because i cannot stand hunger or resist from looking at a nice piece of S without imaginations. I feel like there is something not quite right about it all and i just cannot put my finger on it. Last Friday as I sat listening to the Imam hammered out fiery words from the pulpit I was again turned off by the fact that he had nothing new to say but repeated that same old stories with new twists and turns and ended out with lashing at those who failed to fill up the 'saf' or lines for the Taraweh prayers He kept shouting out how lazy we have become for opting out to do 8 'rakaats' instead of the 21 prostrations as this particular mosque had chosen to do. I simply do not attend the taraweh prayers anymore like I used to.
Yes i am sure many would frown upon my lack of piety and be ready to point out how my life has been full of errors and failures due to perhaps this lacking of faith in God. In God I have faith, but in Muslims in general I have lost most o what I admired on Islam as a Religion. During this month again I will be made to pay my Zakat or tith which is not much by comparison as far as taxes goes. In Malaysia millions if not billions are collected every year by the religious department, so, why do we find Malay Muslims living in abject poverty all over he country? It is calculated that if all the money collected were to be disbursed to the public wisely all Muslims in this country can live comfortably. So where do all the money goes, other than building more mosques and suraus that half the time id left empty?
More and more 'Ustazs' or religious teachers are appearing on TV and videos giving their two cents worth at how to live life according to the Prophet of Allah, Not according to how they live themselves but the Prophet, and if you look at how much they make for every 'ceramah' or religious talk they give you think they are no better than the Evangelist like Billy Graham, though not so affluent as yet. Like David Barton, many Muslim Gurus are making their influential status among the 'Ummah' or the congregation as a stepping stone into politics and in this country's case , via PAS, the Majority Muslim opposition Party in Malaysia. Most of these Ustaz or religious teachers are products of the MIddle eastern Universities such as Al Azhar and are no bout intelligent if not slick in their approaches, through threats, cynicism laced humor all rolled into one. Then there are the 'entertainers' like the 'soul brothers' group in the West crooning religious verses from the Quran to pacify the masses at a lucrative price. Islam like most major religions of the world has become a big business. Muslims may abhor Christmas celebrations or even Valenyine's Day and Birthdays, but it sure has got the Month of Ramadan and the days of celebration that follows as equally commercialized. The Hari Raya Aidil Fitri has become another massive commercial industry that rivals Christmas. New cloths are being ordered and food and drinks requested a month ahead of the event. In short the amount of money spent is phenomenal; at least by those who are fortunate enough to afford it.
But this is not what bothers me about the religion as it has nothing to do with the teachings and as a matter of fact most are counter to the teachings. What aches me is this feeling of something is not right within me, my own mental perceptions of the religion when looked with keener eyes and consciousness. I know i do not deny the fact that I am a servant of my Maker, the Lord of the Universe its Creator, but i have doubts about the rituals and practices, like going to Mecca for the pilgrimage; here's the most lucrative business industry in the world today and the Saudis harvest wealth much richer than oil. What do they do with all that they have collected? WallahuAllam! Only Allah knows. All in all Islam is a great business package that benefits the religious as well as the corrupt, but my doubts comes from deeper source within my heart which as yet I am still looking for the answers.
Yes i am sure many would frown upon my lack of piety and be ready to point out how my life has been full of errors and failures due to perhaps this lacking of faith in God. In God I have faith, but in Muslims in general I have lost most o what I admired on Islam as a Religion. During this month again I will be made to pay my Zakat or tith which is not much by comparison as far as taxes goes. In Malaysia millions if not billions are collected every year by the religious department, so, why do we find Malay Muslims living in abject poverty all over he country? It is calculated that if all the money collected were to be disbursed to the public wisely all Muslims in this country can live comfortably. So where do all the money goes, other than building more mosques and suraus that half the time id left empty?
More and more 'Ustazs' or religious teachers are appearing on TV and videos giving their two cents worth at how to live life according to the Prophet of Allah, Not according to how they live themselves but the Prophet, and if you look at how much they make for every 'ceramah' or religious talk they give you think they are no better than the Evangelist like Billy Graham, though not so affluent as yet. Like David Barton, many Muslim Gurus are making their influential status among the 'Ummah' or the congregation as a stepping stone into politics and in this country's case , via PAS, the Majority Muslim opposition Party in Malaysia. Most of these Ustaz or religious teachers are products of the MIddle eastern Universities such as Al Azhar and are no bout intelligent if not slick in their approaches, through threats, cynicism laced humor all rolled into one. Then there are the 'entertainers' like the 'soul brothers' group in the West crooning religious verses from the Quran to pacify the masses at a lucrative price. Islam like most major religions of the world has become a big business. Muslims may abhor Christmas celebrations or even Valenyine's Day and Birthdays, but it sure has got the Month of Ramadan and the days of celebration that follows as equally commercialized. The Hari Raya Aidil Fitri has become another massive commercial industry that rivals Christmas. New cloths are being ordered and food and drinks requested a month ahead of the event. In short the amount of money spent is phenomenal; at least by those who are fortunate enough to afford it.
But this is not what bothers me about the religion as it has nothing to do with the teachings and as a matter of fact most are counter to the teachings. What aches me is this feeling of something is not right within me, my own mental perceptions of the religion when looked with keener eyes and consciousness. I know i do not deny the fact that I am a servant of my Maker, the Lord of the Universe its Creator, but i have doubts about the rituals and practices, like going to Mecca for the pilgrimage; here's the most lucrative business industry in the world today and the Saudis harvest wealth much richer than oil. What do they do with all that they have collected? WallahuAllam! Only Allah knows. All in all Islam is a great business package that benefits the religious as well as the corrupt, but my doubts comes from deeper source within my heart which as yet I am still looking for the answers.
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Happy Father's Day to me
I have listened to as many spiritual talks as i can on You Tube simply to keep reminding me that i must not allow for external events in my life take precedence over my inner sense of being who I am. During this Fasting Month of Ramadan my mind is pretty much preoccupied by the turn of events involving my two children who have now attain to adulthood and are in the process of cutting their chords and freeing themselves from my influences in their lives. As much as i look forward to their embarking upon a life of their own, I still feel a sense of attachment to them concern over their well being once they are on their own. However i also feel that both my son and daughter are more than ready to face the life on their own as they have proven in character to be rational and respectful of others, caring if not compassionate to a certain degree when dealing with those less fortunate than themselves,
There is no doubt in my mind that their characters and personality has yet to evolve that they may mature to the fullest of their capabilities that is inherent in them; that is for them to find out, seek out and actualize. It is for them to iron out all their petty grievances that life has ditched out through their lives thus far and the sooner they are able to let go of as much of these useless baggage the sooner will they come to terms of who they truly are and what their potential for success in this life can be. As it is both my children are still carrying scars of their negative childhood experiences through parental upbringing, peer pressures as well as spiritual and secular educational conditioning.
The sooner they are able to see through these shortcomings and move beyond their negative impact the greater are their chances of becoming creative and productive with their lives. However if they keep carrying the baggage of their past negative experiences like badges on their chest, it would be very unfortunate for them as from my own personal experience I have realized how detrimental these have been for my own well being throughout my life. I have tried through my writings to shed as much light upon this important aspect of life and how the mind feeds upon the negative more so than the positive if it is allowed to do so,
In his teachings, the Tibetan spiritual teacher Trungpa Rinpoche had at one time spoke of how one uses all the good and bad experiences of one's past as a compost or manure for our future spiritual growth. Collecting all the accumulation of our past trials and tribulations and mixing them all together like in a pot and fermenting them till they are ready to be reused as compost for the field, new and healthy thoughts and ideas can be fomented from them, just as one would recycle food waste to turn into fertilizers. I sincerely hope that my children can see through this and act accordingly. Life is too short to dwell upon what has been and too precious to waste trying to untangle what cannot be untangled; the past is always food for the future.
My thoughts on this Father's Day is simply that they would drop the senseless and grab hold of the sensible. Remain in the present and build towards the future. For whatever it is worth, I am proud to be a father to all my four children. I may not have been the best but i have tried to be a good father in my own way.
There is no doubt in my mind that their characters and personality has yet to evolve that they may mature to the fullest of their capabilities that is inherent in them; that is for them to find out, seek out and actualize. It is for them to iron out all their petty grievances that life has ditched out through their lives thus far and the sooner they are able to let go of as much of these useless baggage the sooner will they come to terms of who they truly are and what their potential for success in this life can be. As it is both my children are still carrying scars of their negative childhood experiences through parental upbringing, peer pressures as well as spiritual and secular educational conditioning.
The sooner they are able to see through these shortcomings and move beyond their negative impact the greater are their chances of becoming creative and productive with their lives. However if they keep carrying the baggage of their past negative experiences like badges on their chest, it would be very unfortunate for them as from my own personal experience I have realized how detrimental these have been for my own well being throughout my life. I have tried through my writings to shed as much light upon this important aspect of life and how the mind feeds upon the negative more so than the positive if it is allowed to do so,
In his teachings, the Tibetan spiritual teacher Trungpa Rinpoche had at one time spoke of how one uses all the good and bad experiences of one's past as a compost or manure for our future spiritual growth. Collecting all the accumulation of our past trials and tribulations and mixing them all together like in a pot and fermenting them till they are ready to be reused as compost for the field, new and healthy thoughts and ideas can be fomented from them, just as one would recycle food waste to turn into fertilizers. I sincerely hope that my children can see through this and act accordingly. Life is too short to dwell upon what has been and too precious to waste trying to untangle what cannot be untangled; the past is always food for the future.
My thoughts on this Father's Day is simply that they would drop the senseless and grab hold of the sensible. Remain in the present and build towards the future. For whatever it is worth, I am proud to be a father to all my four children. I may not have been the best but i have tried to be a good father in my own way.
Saturday, June 18, 2016
'Mat rempit' - 'Hell's Angels' of Terengganu.
Arrived back in Georgettown, Penang this morning after taking a short trip back to Terenggnau to visit my friend Mohd. Rafi who had an accident and the rest of my family. Rafi was on a motorcycle with his youngest boy when they came up face on with three 'Mat Rempits," Motorcycle racing maniacs very well known in Kuala Terengganu. These kids often under the influence of the cheapest and often the most mind bending drugs would race down the road at break neck speed performing hellish acrobatics while riding their bikes. I had the experience of picking up brains scattered all over the road at one time while living out near the Airport in Telaga Batin sometime in 1990s to 2004. These 'Hell's Angels' on their small bikes would roar back and forth in front of my house till wee in the morning hours depriving comfortable sleep to the neighborhood. I took it upon myself to declare 'war' on these characters.
Dressed in dark cloths and armed with a 'sling shot' or catapult, I hid in the bushes by the roadside and ambush them every time they zoom by and eventually they gave up after not knowing what kept hitting them. Rumor had it the the stretch facing my house back then was haunted by a black figure seen every now and then disappearing into the jungle nearby. Every weekend especially on Fridays, these suicide riders would be racing up and down the main road leading out of town right where my nephew's bakery is located and it used to be hundreds of spectators would line the road to watch and cheer these mindless 'daredevils.' According to my nephew it has become a whole lot less now since the community took the trouble to reach out and communicate with them on the evils of mindless racing. Most of these youths comes from poor Malay families and for lack of better things to do,were trapped into this hellish sport. (look on You Tube for 'Mat Rempit').
What happened to my friend and his son was another mindless incident that has plagued the State if not the Nation as illegal racing has become a land mark sport or way to commit suicide among the 'lost' and 'stoned' youth of the nation. Mohd. Rafi and his son got off easy fortunately as he slowed down on seeing the oncoming rider who had laid flat on his stomach across the bike while speeding towards him. He suffered minor injuries and so did his son, however the trauma I am sure would linger on. One of my nephews some years ago died from similar accident and he was only sixteen then. I know a family that lost two sons from the racing, they were racers.
Dressed in dark cloths and armed with a 'sling shot' or catapult, I hid in the bushes by the roadside and ambush them every time they zoom by and eventually they gave up after not knowing what kept hitting them. Rumor had it the the stretch facing my house back then was haunted by a black figure seen every now and then disappearing into the jungle nearby. Every weekend especially on Fridays, these suicide riders would be racing up and down the main road leading out of town right where my nephew's bakery is located and it used to be hundreds of spectators would line the road to watch and cheer these mindless 'daredevils.' According to my nephew it has become a whole lot less now since the community took the trouble to reach out and communicate with them on the evils of mindless racing. Most of these youths comes from poor Malay families and for lack of better things to do,were trapped into this hellish sport. (look on You Tube for 'Mat Rempit').
What happened to my friend and his son was another mindless incident that has plagued the State if not the Nation as illegal racing has become a land mark sport or way to commit suicide among the 'lost' and 'stoned' youth of the nation. Mohd. Rafi and his son got off easy fortunately as he slowed down on seeing the oncoming rider who had laid flat on his stomach across the bike while speeding towards him. He suffered minor injuries and so did his son, however the trauma I am sure would linger on. One of my nephews some years ago died from similar accident and he was only sixteen then. I know a family that lost two sons from the racing, they were racers.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Still fasting Away!
Six days into the month of Ramadan and i am still grappling with my faith, belief system right understanding of what is right and what is wrong with me, how do I accept myself as who I am without involving in didactic or intellectual discourse over this whole issue about 'knowing who I am or who you are.' In essence still not having thorough understanding of who I am ,how do I worship Allah? Who is worshiping, who is praying and who am I praying to? I am naive perhaps but this is my recurring mind trip when it comes to faith and religion. That does not mean that I have chosen to neglect them of the rituals and practice that is required of them, like fasting and praying five times a day. I try to fulfill these but not as often enough unfortunately. But i am aware my mind would dwell on these issues like there is no rest to it once the subject begins and i know at the same time how futile an effort to try and untangle the tangles.
JUSTFICATIONS!! All my life I have been justifying myself and trying to convince myself that i can achieve the state of emptiness within this lifetime whereby I merge with my Maker and become One. This fasting month I have been awakened to the truth about Islam and the teachings of the Prophet of Allah about the fasting Month. The Month of Ramadan is one of the most trying month for mankind; it has always the most for me. This is the time when my beliefs and the question of my faith 'Tawakal' in Allah comes to the front stage and I am still at a loss as to how can i become absolutely one with my Maker where there is 'None but Allah,' and 'I am- No more.' occurs even like the flash, of lightning that rips the skies of illusions set my 'Self' if not my 'Mind', free from this state of being who i truly am. I look in the mirror i see my face, my self, how I manifest physically, then I take step back and i manifest my mental formations of who I am, and as i steep further back i see who i have become and as i take yet another step back i am looking at myself melting away into space as atoms and strings of consciousness, and as i step back even further i see myself as tiny atom floating in space among many atoms large and small and I am lost in space. In this state of consciousness i raise my heart to Allah and declare that I am but His servant, from Him I have come and to Him shall I return, Insha'Allah. This is how and when I am most closest to Him, I pray in these moments when I am most empty of my doubting mind, while there rest of the time I am at 'War' with my Lord. It is not a war between enemies, heavens forbid, it a war between father and son. between husband and wife, a war of justifications, of right understanding.
In the words of Sadguru."Believe essentially comes still because humanity has not become sincere enough to come to this. What i know, I know, What i do not know i do not know. Everything you do not know you must believe because believe gives you confidence, clarity will lead you towards understanding. Confidence without clarity can be disastrous."...You Tube.
JUSTFICATIONS!! All my life I have been justifying myself and trying to convince myself that i can achieve the state of emptiness within this lifetime whereby I merge with my Maker and become One. This fasting month I have been awakened to the truth about Islam and the teachings of the Prophet of Allah about the fasting Month. The Month of Ramadan is one of the most trying month for mankind; it has always the most for me. This is the time when my beliefs and the question of my faith 'Tawakal' in Allah comes to the front stage and I am still at a loss as to how can i become absolutely one with my Maker where there is 'None but Allah,' and 'I am- No more.' occurs even like the flash, of lightning that rips the skies of illusions set my 'Self' if not my 'Mind', free from this state of being who i truly am. I look in the mirror i see my face, my self, how I manifest physically, then I take step back and i manifest my mental formations of who I am, and as i steep further back i see who i have become and as i take yet another step back i am looking at myself melting away into space as atoms and strings of consciousness, and as i step back even further i see myself as tiny atom floating in space among many atoms large and small and I am lost in space. In this state of consciousness i raise my heart to Allah and declare that I am but His servant, from Him I have come and to Him shall I return, Insha'Allah. This is how and when I am most closest to Him, I pray in these moments when I am most empty of my doubting mind, while there rest of the time I am at 'War' with my Lord. It is not a war between enemies, heavens forbid, it a war between father and son. between husband and wife, a war of justifications, of right understanding.
In the words of Sadguru."Believe essentially comes still because humanity has not become sincere enough to come to this. What i know, I know, What i do not know i do not know. Everything you do not know you must believe because believe gives you confidence, clarity will lead you towards understanding. Confidence without clarity can be disastrous."...You Tube.
Friday, June 10, 2016
Happy Birthday Nancy.
It is my late wife's birthday today, may she rest in peace with the Lord. A piece of me was taken when she left Malaysia with my two children accompanying her back to the United States to be looked after by the doctors there on what was her problem. She was diagnosed as having Alzheimer's or in her case as rapid dementia a more vigorous form of the disease. I looked into her eyes as she walked through the transit lounge at KLIA and felt the pain in my heart as my wife looked at me with despair; I felt hopeless and helpless. I should have been on the plane with her but due to the 911 incident I was not allowed to accompany her without a visas processed which would take two months. My wife did not have two months as she was rapidly slipping into darkness.
I give credit to my two children for being able to deliver their mother safely to my mother in law's home where she was admitted into a nursing home there in Waterloo, Illinois. They were about twelve and thirteen years of age then but had done enough travel that I trusted them with their sick mother and allot of prayer that she would not suffer any attacks on the plane all the way from Kuala Lumpur to St Louis. My children were later sent back to me in Malaysia by their grandmother as she could not handle all three under the circumstances, a sick mother and her two children. Their moving back to Malaysia meant I had to find a place for them and work on getting them in school. Fortunately i got a job working for Jerejak Resort and Spa in Penang.
I knew I would not be seeing my wife again when we last looked into each other's eyes with tears ready to spill at the transit lounge of KLIA , but in my heart I told myself as thought i was telling her that no matter what i will look after the kids till they are of age. This I have done although not to best of my ability but my two children are now adults and are doing fine as adults can be. The suffering my wife and I had to endure throughout our lives together I will take to the grave with me as it is not worth sharing the details that only two people can understand to make any sense. For better or for worse I know i loved my wife as best i could and had remained faithful to her from the beginning till the end.
I give credit to my two children for being able to deliver their mother safely to my mother in law's home where she was admitted into a nursing home there in Waterloo, Illinois. They were about twelve and thirteen years of age then but had done enough travel that I trusted them with their sick mother and allot of prayer that she would not suffer any attacks on the plane all the way from Kuala Lumpur to St Louis. My children were later sent back to me in Malaysia by their grandmother as she could not handle all three under the circumstances, a sick mother and her two children. Their moving back to Malaysia meant I had to find a place for them and work on getting them in school. Fortunately i got a job working for Jerejak Resort and Spa in Penang.
I knew I would not be seeing my wife again when we last looked into each other's eyes with tears ready to spill at the transit lounge of KLIA , but in my heart I told myself as thought i was telling her that no matter what i will look after the kids till they are of age. This I have done although not to best of my ability but my two children are now adults and are doing fine as adults can be. The suffering my wife and I had to endure throughout our lives together I will take to the grave with me as it is not worth sharing the details that only two people can understand to make any sense. For better or for worse I know i loved my wife as best i could and had remained faithful to her from the beginning till the end.
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