Selamat Hari Raya - Eid Mubarak!

It's Aidil Fitri or as the Malays calls it Hari Raya Puasa, Eid Mubarak in its original language. Naturally i did pretty bad this year too and worse i almost caused a heart attack to my daughter when I did not return after three days of disappearing. Four days ago I decided to take a retreat from the scene that I was in which was becoming more sour by the day. Fasting was not doing it for me and i struggled against every little thing in my life...some calls it pressure. Muslim Malays calls it 'Dugaaan!' Ramadan, or the Testing of the Holy Month of Ramadan. 
I simply admit that i do not have what it takes to call myself a disciplined Muslim man, I am man of weak substance, I am not a man of strong will power and perseverance, I broke my fast for a few days and i lied, and i hide. I feel shame no doubt and one of the reasons I had to retreat was because I had to find my very quiet space and bring myself to take charge of the situations i am in. It is my 'Testing' and it is between The Creator and me. I succumbed to my 'Nafs' or ego or the thought created 'self' and as such committed trangressions towards my Lord. For three nights i remained virgill in the hut alone at the foothills of the village of Lintang where the SRI LOVELY organic Padi farm is located. I wrestled with my mind or call it my demons over the hows and why i think so much, what are thoughts are and how they have influence over me in between short sleep over rough bamboo floor. Whenever i awaken i would 'sit' and contemplate my mind as I had little else to do or occupy myself, while breathing deeply and realigning my achy body and and to ease the pressure at the lower back of my skull. (high blood pressure?) 
After I have found the space of calmness and peace, I talk to the All Mighty begging for his forgiveness and mercy over all my sins big and small, seen and unseen, those that i have committed and those that that i am yet to commit that i am presently committing. I ask Him to forgive both my parents, my wife and the rest of my siblings and family. I ask Him to lead me in the Right Path and make all my wishes be fulfilled without hindrances. I ask Him to protect me against His 'Tests' and against my own nafs.  I call out to Him to forgive me my weaknesses and shortcomings, egoistic tendencies and my ignorance; for He is Oft Forgiving and Most Merciful. Then I would lay down again on the  bamboo floor of the bamboo hut, with ants crawling all over me and inside my cloth and mosquitoes buzzing around my ears i curled up my body and force myself to sleep. I find respite until something else outside would wake me up, like goats running amok all over the nearby huts. Or a motorcycle rode in at the ungodly time of the night. I would sit, and repeat the same process often doing body stretches to work out the aches and pains.
Eventually i ended up staying at the farm till on the morning of the Aidil Fitri itself not realizing it. Two boys came on a motorcycle to inform me that their father had invited me to eat at his house, I asked them," Are you not Fasting?" and one of them said, "Mamu, its Hari Raya today!" I was shocked and immediately got packed up and head for Penang after dropping by for a short visit to the Captain's house, He told me that my daughter has sent out a bulletin for my disappearance it's all over the Internet. Apparently the Captain had not known that i was staying at the farm and when my daughter had called two days earlier he had told her that he had not seen me. So Marissa pressed the panic button and spread the message around among my friends and my sons that i have gone missing. She even text her brother in Dubai and the one in Switzerland. I was not in the right state of mind and being there had helped me to see a little better of where i am at. I should be thankful and blessed of the fact that there are those who genuinely cared for my well being. That I was allowing external events dominate my mind.
As soon as i arrived in Penang we went for a pizza at Gurney Paragon with our friend Raymond. As they shopped at the Daiso, Japanese outlet selling everything at RM5, I realized how I was sitting and staring at a group chickens playing around me in the most remote area of Litang and now three hours later i am staring at Japanese nick-nacks. Such Is! Selamat Hari Raya Puasa, Happy Eid MUbarak!