KL - Jogya - Solo - Bali

When I arrived at the Shah Alam bus terminal on the evening of the 8th. my handphone which i bought for 50RM went Kaput! had to depend on my cousin Zakaria's never failling disciplin for keeping promises and being on time. He picked me up and took me to his house where i passed the night. The next day he drove me to KLIA and woosh!! I am off to Jogyakarta!!. Who cares what lay ahead, i dont mind where i am heade so long as I get there! Sat beside and English gentleman and got to nkow him while watching the scenario in the plane of a very sick lady on the way back to Indonesia. We felt sorry for the man, maybe her son in trying to get into the sit infront of us while the flight crew and attendants stood and watched without giving any hand. It is easy to judge under such circumstance but when Tony my travelling companion mentioned about liabilities did i realized the reason for their reluctance to help.
I learned that Tony was on his way back to Solo and after learning that it had been raining practically every day especially in the evennings in Jogya, I asked if I could tag along with him to Solo as it is only about an hour's drive from Jogya. So there i was heading for Solo in a taxi which would had cost me about two hundred thousand Rupiah one way but was free as Tony winked and told me its on his company. He later booked me into the Novotel Hotel where he is practically a permanent resident knows jusat about everyone ther from the house keeping to the geberal manager of the Hotel. I only had to pay half price! That same evening we had a great time at the bar listening to live music and getting hit on by the local pimp who kept insisting in getting me laid. Tony talked me out of it and gave some sound advice about surviving in Java.
I could not have for a better Guru and my trip to Solo was meant to be that I met such a character who is well loved by all at the hotel and whose heart is larger that his body.
I spent the next day roaming Solo City on my own sometimes walking and sometimes riding on trishaws. I visited the Danar Hadi Antique Batik Gallery( Batik Kuno Dabar Hadi) which houses a collection of Javanese batik. Displayed in this gallery are antique batiks that were created through the period of time before and during the Dutch and Japanese occupation, till a few decades after Indonesia proclaimed its independance. There all the different designs motifs influenced by the different ethnic and cultural groups l;ike Dutch, Chinese Japanese and the many different regions of Jave itself.
Some examples are like the Batik Demak and Batik Kudus the colors of which are more cream. The batik Suwatra, Batik Jambi and batik Lampung the colors of which are darker influenced by the coffee growing regions they came from. Some Javanese Batiks are desinged in two halves, one halve for the morning and the other for the evening! Did not know that before!! Madura batiks are reddish in color while the Jogjya batiks has chocolate and white. The slanted motifs (Parang motifs) in Javanese Batiks was originally worn by the royalties. Anyone interested in knowing more about Javanese Batik (Batik Java) should make a trip here as it offers more than just a batik shopping showcase but tells more than just its history. I have always been mesmerized by the Javanese batik more than just aesthetically, I feel that this is the most sensuous wear.
The next day I decided to splurge on myself and had SPA body Massage at the Hotel and was glad that I did as the lady (Titin) was great at it and I felt like a new man walking outof the SPA. I spent the rest of the day sketching and writng and getting my this ready for the trip to Bali which I had booked at the hotel. I left Solo in the evening at five and Tony saw me off after giving me a great bear hug I had a hard time keeping back my emotions and I had never seen an Englishman who is big and loud teary eyed!! My journey has begun and i felt like i have found back a part of my old self, the Artist Traveller.
The taxi driver and I had dinner just before we entered the Airport at Joggya for my flight to Depasar. The flight was one hour delayed and as i sat having acigarette at the smoking area I met an Autrian who i offered the sit next to me remembering Tony's advice that manners does not cost anything. We struck a conversation and soon were lao9ughing our heads off over the stories i was realting of my experiences while travelling. The funniest par was telling him how i found myself sitting on a plane headed for Jakarta by mistake instead of the one for Denpasar!!
There i was all psyched up and praying and doing my ZikhruAllah while waiting at the terminal and reading The great Sheikh Kadir Al jilani just to saty focus spitiually and so on... and ended up getting on the wrong plane!! There I was sitting at the window sit minding my own business and suddenly there a little commotion in the ailse and then two kids sat beside me strange looks while their mother hung out in the ailse complaining to the stewardess and the rest of the flight attendance. Then I heard my bame called on the speakers and walla!! get off the plane or you will up in Jakarta and your luggage in Denpasar! No Sir you dont that to happen not in Indonesia! Imagine that, a world traveller like me making this mistake, like hey you can take the wrong bus or the wrong train for crying out loud! But the wrong Plane!!?
So, I tagged along with with Joachim and his felow Austria Stephan taking the same taxi together to Kuta Beach where we stayed at the Surga Hotel which cost 100 thousand Rupiah a night for a single room. Not bad! for i culd be taken for a ride in the middle of the night and landed at another expensive hotel after paying through my nose for the taxi.

The Final Stages of Preperation...

Never have i been more thorough in my preperation for a trip and never have i had so many doubts over the smallest of causses and issues that i am beginning to feel like at my age now i am begining to feel less confident. I even purchased a traveller's insurance just in case and settled for two luggage bags instead of all the art stuff that i had planned to bring with me. But I think it is the jitters having not traveled for a long time since my last trip and the fact that I am leaving my two children behind.
Got my currency changed for 4mil, worth of Indonesian Rupiah which I hope can see me through the three weeks that I will be spending in Indonesia. Travelling in the past was a cinge compared to today now that i look back upon those years of my travels all over the globe from airport to airport, from busses to busses from campsite to campsite. I have covered some mileage in my lifetime living abroad and often i would take off at the drop of a hat with the least of preparations and often with no hope of return. But today I am concern to the point of paranoia making travel less attractive than it used to be but it is undrstandable so i told myself given the fact that I have more to be responsible for these days. I am no more foot loose and fancy free and living in Malaysia is not livng in the US where most people would encourage and even support one's desire to see the world, here everything boils down to what gives you the right to be who you are. Why can't you be like everyone else, why do you have to be different, why can't you settle down and stay put like the rest of us and let us look after you, lay down your ground rules and tell you when to live and how to die; after all are we not your kith and keen?
Having left my home and family for the past twenty four odd years had cause many ambivalance between me and my family, some relatives and even friends. It was a fault to many and not an accomplishment in their eyes. Had i came home rich and famous it might have mad a difference but having returned and fallen into a rut had made matters worse and had given those who had axes to grind a chance to take a good kick at the prodigal son's return. I am not bitter about the whole thing just plain sad. It has been a long time since i gave up giving any thoughts to what others think about me but upon returning here I could not avoid taking the flack thrown at me for whatever reason and much of the time i have to grit my teeth and play the fool and accept the consequences. Thus planning has become a priority in my agenda so that i am not subjected to being accused of self centeredness and whatever else that goes with.

The Final Stages of Preperation...

Bodhidharma (DARUMA)

Never have i been more thorough in my preperation for a journey as i have done this time around and i even bought a travelling insurance from MCIS Zurich which accordingly should ensure my journey to Central Jave is fully covered in case of any unforseen incidents or mishaps. I felt the need to have this coverage simply because of my two children who will need some form of secutiry blanket in the event that thier father fails to return safely. I have enver thought of this before when i was a bachelor and globe trotting into countries like Colombia and Equador burning the bridges behind me and not worried whether i return or not.

Met my sponsor this morning and had our final discussion over breakfast and after that went to the bank to get the reast of my cash for the trip. Again the difference with this trip from those before is that i am obliged to make it happen like I am commissioned to do a painting. Even though it was all agreed upon mututal trust and confidence I still feel that there is an unwritten sense of agreement to 'produce' or deliver at the end of the day. As they say nothing is free in this days and age and one does not survive on reputation and good looks alone, there is always a give and take, cheque and balance. Initially when I decided to become a tavelling Artist I was made accountable to the faculty members at the University of Wisconsin, Grren bay as i was an "Independant Student" doing his self designed independant studies. In the late 70s, the University of Wisconsin at Madison created a pioneer program called 'The University Without Walls', whereby students who qualified wer allowed and encouraged to create their own course of studies based upon their elected studies. Mine was "Art in Quest of The Universality" a propossal I submitted to the board of faculty members who decided that my idea was acceptable without even calling me in for an interview which most other applicants were subjected to.
My argument was that as an artist working in the studios alone was not benifitting me and limitting my potential. I would rather 'Live' as an artist on the street recording life as I travel and later presenting them to my proffessors upon my return to the campus. This idea found no objection from any of the decission makers in the program and it became my trademark. It was quite exilerating to return to the campus every end of the semester from different parts of the world and sharing with fellow students my experiences and presenting my works at lectures and art shows. I was able to share various cultures and ehtnic practices, beautiful lanscapes and unique events and episodes that otherwise could not have been realised by my fellow artist and lecturers a the univesity in this small Midwestern town of Green Bay. As every new semester began I was often stopped in the hallways and asked where i was headed that semester as though it was taken for granted that i was leaving for some faraway lands to do my studies.
My philosophy then was to broaden my horizon by travelling and and experiencing life while recording these activites through my art in various forms and techniques including as it is at present the writing of this blog. With the technological advancement in the art of communication like the internet and the latest techniques and state of the art digital cameras which allows one to take as many picture as possibly can on a trip 'travelling art' has taken on a whole new and advanced form or expression. The whole worldwide internet users and blog readers is one's audience and one is obliged to do the best for them.

The Guy in the Lazyboy chair is none other than the Cheeseburgerbuddha himself. While lving in the U.S. a great deal of time was spent as a couch potato, however great wisdom was also derived from the numerous amount TV time spent.

The Count Down...

"To every man there comes in his lifetime that special moment when he is figuratively tapped on his shoulder and offered the chance to do a special thing, unique to him and fitted to his talent; what a tragedy if that moment finds him unprepared or unqualified for the work which would be in his finest hour,"
Sir Winston Churchill.

The tragedy has occured for me once before afew years back when I first took a trip to Sumatra in Indonesia where I spent more than I shoud have and was not able to deliver a worthwhile result as far as my travels goes. All I came back with from this trip was many picture taken of an almost continuous journey of ten days all across the island of Sumatra stopping at various places of interest and scenic beauty. As far being productive in the more creativr sense of an artist I felt i did not accomplish much other than being a tourist. I hope this will not be the case with my next trip which woulld be covering hopefully the areas of central Java. Thre weeks may not seem much time wise for what i intend to do but three well planned weeks might make a difference.

What, indeed, is my plan? Actually there is no plan only wishes or hopes that things would happen according to my imagination. I imagine travelling cheap and appearing cheap and obscure taking the road less taken by others like visitng small villages in remote areas. Meeting with the day to day man on the street and recording aesthetically their activities. Capturing uncommon scenes and stumbbling up unknown experiences that would be exciting to sketch, write and later talk about. Making a friend or two in the process where sharing of lifestyles and experiences can be made for the benifit of all. I plan to start my journey exploring Jogyakarta and its surrounding areas, maybe being abvle to visit as many galleries and artist residence as possible. I also would like to find a theme for my art works of the whole trip, it could be of peole or landmarks, like my focus on Japanese templs when I was in Japan.

I am planning on carrying just a bag pack and my art portfolio, travelling as light as possible in order that i can do alot of travelling of foot. I will carry on only that much currency that I will not be tempted to splurge with my accomodations. A mosque or a cheap lodging just for the night is all I would need. Food is not that expensive and i know I can handle most of what I might find along the road. So all in all I am hoping that this journey will be well worth the cost at the end of the day.

My Shintaido Sketches.

like who is AOKI SENSEI??

and what is SHINTAIDO??

I Need a Camera!!

El Maestro

If you ever decide to shoot me for whatever oddball reason this is where you can find me most often, the bench at the entrance of the Muzium Tuanku Fauziah, USM in Penang. But what good would it do you when I am dead and gone other than put an end to one more boring blogger and wanna be artist.
I received an email from an Indonesian friend who is from Bandung in answer to my call for assistance when I get there. The kid is one of those students who was at the Jerejak resort and SPA doing his practical in Hoteland Motel industry. Most of these Indonesian students were very friendly and polite and it was pleasant to work with them. I had become their "Uncle' and my art was an attraction to them who themselves can draw. However it is unfortunate that this kid is now in Banda Aceh instead, however i hope he can hook me up with any of his buddies when I get to Yogyakarta or Bandung so that i can get settled and learn the ropes as soon as i arrive. It would be great if someone can act as my guide which means I could travel off the beaten path and do more exploration into the villages instead of just visiting the tourist areas.

I am still looking for a decent camera which is pretty crucial for the trip as it would help me capture more wider ranges of images instead of just depending on sketching and drawings. It is ideal to capture all that I can in my sketchbook when I travell, however this can be very limitng as it is time consuming and alot would be wasted especially sights and scenes that i cannot stop to do any work of art from like an open landscape. Or the view like this one of Penang from a Helicopter!

The Penang City Hall or better known among locals as the Esplanade and among even the more locals than locals, as Padang Kota Lama. That tall phallic structure in the background is the Kompleks Tun Abdul Razak or better known as KOMTAR, the heart of the city of Georgetown. In the old days this area is known as Simpang Enam (Six Junctions), with a roundabout where all the six roads meet. Among the most well known landmarks in this area in the old days before KOMTAR was the Craven A (named after a cigarette brand), a 24 hours reastaurant that boasted some of the best local dishes. There was also Kassim Nasi Kandar on the Jelutong road corner that was 'The Nasi kandar' place in sixties and seventies, not anymore.
In the early sixties, seventies and even eighties this whole simpang enam are was alive and it was fun just to stand and watch the traffic especially the 'Tram' Busses and double deckers. The Chinese were Chinese, The Malays were Malays and the Indians and Mamaks were what they were and no one questioned about who they were and as Mahatma Ghandi said, "They know who they were". Today, Ha! just about everyone is worried about loosing their identities or gaining a new one so much so that the very fun of standing and watching the busses and traffic go by is a nightmare as Malays, Indians and Chinese alike strive to become more than who they are at heart or by nature. Friendly happy drivers have become chauvinistic, egotistical maniac who make it their 'Jihad' to out drive the other guy especially if he or she is not of one's own ethnic origin. Helliluyah!!

These colonial reminders are not for us Penangites to marvel at their great architectural and longlasting beauty and now are they for us to identify ourselves with their inherited culture but it is for us to have made it possible if we were united in our course despite our differences. They should be reminders of what we collectively can achieve is our dreams and aspirations transcends our ethnic and cultural heritage. These colonial era landmarks were made possible simply because we had a common taskmaster, the British, under whose leadership we rallied to produce a common heritage. The british did not build mosques or temples or even churches but mostly administerative buildings that served the common people regardless their ethnic origins. If there is anything worthwhile to keep of the colonial era it this sense of unity that we should preserve so that we can still marvel at the traffic passing by without fear of getting knocked over by a Chinese, Indian or Malay for mere racial egoistic tendencies and intolerence.

My Friend A.Rashid Razak

One of Rashid's Pastel Potrait paintings.

I am at the Malay Art Gallery run by my friend A.Rashid who is in my mind one of the best potrait painter on this Island of Penang. The Gallery is annexed to the Masjid Kapitan Kling and was at one time used to be the main entrance to the mosque located on Chulia street in the area where one finds Jewellers and money changers, and the famous Nasi Kandar restaurants are located.

At the age of sixteen Rashid was set to become a national soccer player and upon the final team selection his father talked him out of it as a waste of time. Later forcefully inspired by his own father who was also an artist himself Rashid has been an artist most of his life. His father later had a change of heart after being convinced by a friend that rashid would fare better as a customs officer than an artist Rashid was talked out of becoming an artist by his father and forced to join the Malaysian customs services. Not happy with corruption praticed by the rank and files of the Custom department where he was at, Rashid quit the services and returned to his art where he had a gallery in Kuala Lumpur where he later made the acquaintance of Dr. Kriss Hougen a social anthropologist doing a research paper on traditional healers as an alternative treatment progame. Later the Universtiy Sains Malaysia offered Dr. Hougen to do reasearch work for them and Rahid joined in the project. He was later involved in drug and prostitution research program for the Universit Sains Malaysia at one time where he was assigned to do a survey of the local drug scene. According to him this was a very rewarding experience for him having met many drug users and prostitutes and got to know their lives quite personally. He even managed to help a few to turn a new leaf with the help of support groups he became acquainted with in his line of work.

I have come to know Rashid for the past four years now and and our friendship has grown through our mutual appreciation of Art as well as eachother's talents. Rashid has often been the one encuraging me to become a full time artist like himself especially when time were hard for me financially however when I reflect upon his struggles throughout the years to get where he is today it gives me the courage to take the plunge. Rashid has a great propensity for learing through books and whatever other medias that comes his way in order that it will help to imrove his potrrait painting. Now with the availability of the internt and its vasy resources for art related information Rashid is often glued to the screen visiting various sites where potrait artpainting is found.

In his younger days Rashid was a member of the Malay Artist guild know an Anak Alam which was spear headed by the famous malaysian Artist Latiff Mohideen. The Anak Alam residence was at Taman Burung area in Kuala Lumpur. Among those artist who frequented the place was Zulkifli Dahlan, Mustafa Hj. Ibrahim, Yusoff Osman, Mariam and later to joined by the likes of Yusof Gajah and the late Rahime whose works were put on show a few months ago at the USM Muzium Gallery Tuanku Fauziah as a commemoration show.

Of late Rashid has produced a few large pieces for the Univerity of the Malay Rulers of the state of Kedah and Perlis where they fetched quite a handsome price that has eased his financial commitments. His talent as a potrait artist is ever improving and one can see the development from day to day or painting to painting. His dedication and perseverence has paid off handsomely as his name has become known among art collectors and local artists and patrons of the arts.

Too Many Rivers to Cross...

These sketches of Insects are now the collection of The Penang State Gallery.

I have been tossing around all possibillities about my trip to Indonesia, the whereabouts, the how and the when would be the most suitable way to go about it. In the meantime i also have a few other domestic issues to resolve here before i can make the final decission and most importantly with regards to my two children. Although leaving them behind would not be much of a thing to worry about , however their residency status with the government will need to be looked into as my son will soon finish school and thus his permit to stay in this country based on his student visas will come to an end in a month or so. This nagging pain with their citizenship staus has haunted me for years now surfacing whenever I least expect and making me run in circles trying to fiond the most viable solution. I have been taking this in strides so far as it is a consequence of my own doing that is for registering my children at birth in the US with the Malaysian Embassy there. I take it as my punishment but years of it is becoming quite tiresome to say the least.
I am a Malaysian born and it seems like as far as the Home Ministry is concern I have no rights much less privillages as a citizen. Ienvy the Indonesians and the Bangladeshis who showed me their 'Red' cards and Blue cards even after being here for a few years, how the hell do they do it?

My immitation of Katsushika Hokusai

I was told when I was working as a Health and Safety Manager at the Petronas Site in Kerteh and Gebeng by my foreign workers how easy it was for them to be issued these cards through their connections. My children whose father is a Malaysian and them born born in the United States of all places is having a tough time getting through! AAh, this is but an old song now and all I can do is keep barking at the moon and hope to Allah that He will one day open a door for my children to acquire some form of identification card just in case they are arrested for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, Na'Uzubillah!
The Final decission i have come to accepting as far as leaving for Indonesia is conecern to to go to Bali and hang around Bali for the duration of my stay instead of wandering aroung from place to place just collecting mileage. My primary goal is to cature the scene in one form of meadium or another of the place and for this I will need to stay put intead of spend time travelling on the road given that I do not have much time to play with. I find it necessary to try to immerse into the culture and its environment in order to capture the essence of what an artist would need to express himself of the culture and bali is no doubt a challenge for the artist. It is the Mecca for the Arts as artist from all over the globe has fopund their way there at one time or another. I need to go there because I had a feeling for the place eversince I learned of its existance. It is like a calling for me since childhood but I have had no opportunity till now!
Althoug I am sponsored for the trip my budget will still be limiting for me to disregard the cost of transportaton and lodgings so I have been busy asking around about these issues from those who had been there. So far I have had pertinent informations thay has eased my mind somewhat but I have yet to learn more just to be safe and comfortable in alowing me a smooth flow in attepmting to do my art journey through Bali. It must again part of growing old that I am more concern now about these matters although Bali it seems is a relatively safe place to visit and i have visited worse places in my life but then I really did not care what happened to me back then when I was alone foot and fancy free. Burning the bridges behind me was the the practice I had taken upon myself for every decission i made whenever I was on the road and often enough i had found myself not looking back that which I had left behind me. Relationships severed, my often times meagre belongings given up or given away and carrying with me whatever i could afford to cary I had left on many occasions embarking upon a journey of no return.
But as the saying goes," man proposes and Allah disposes', sometimes fate would have it that one does return to the source of one's beginnings, one's original home, the place that it all started from. I am here in my hometown reflecting where I have beeen and the life i have led while the train that i had chosen to board is still running knowing that even this station is not a permanent place for me to make my final stop. I will disembark this train only when I am laid to rest in the ground along some old track and the train will proceed on without metowards its unknown destination, one passenger less. As for me I will perhaps embark upon another journey towards yet another destination and in my case the journey towards the Lord of Power. All the wealth of knowledge and experiences that i had accumulated the good and the not so good, the rights and the not so right, all dropped off locked in the baggage compartment of the ongoing train while i am liberated from my wordly bagagge. Vedanta! The end of all knowledge and experiences, the annihilation of all concepts and preconceptions, the end of life as it is.

The 2nd. Journey to The Land of Pancasila

Presenting a Piece of my work to The National Art Gallery

The final arrangements will soon be done that would set me on yet another trip to Indonesia and this time it will solely for the purpose of an artistic adventure of sketching and painting and writing. My sponsor is not too keen on letting his name be mentioned here however surfice to say I am greatfully indebted to his charitable heart and confidence in my abilities to deliver what I had hoped to deliver through the works I will produce while on this trip. It is yet another opportunity of a lifetime for one who is a gypsy by nature and loves to wander the length and breath of this God's beautiful earth and meeting and sharing thoughts and ideas while embarked on yet another journey to find out. I hope to share my trip again through entering the blog as much as i can of my daily progress and take as many pictures as i can afford to while visiting exciting places.

(At the Oppening of my Solo Exhibition at the Penang State Art Gallery.)

My first trip to Indonesia was not well planned and although I got to travel all the way from Medan, Sumatra to Padang across the vast mountain ranges in a car escorted by two tough Indons, Ribut and Selamat, I was not able to do much sketching perhaps my mind was with my wife and children who had departed for the US where my wife was being admitted for medical treatment and my children had to stay with their grandmother who later had to reject them and sent them back to Malaysia. It was not the best of times for me while I was travelling in Indonesia then and there even crossed my mind that I was going to burn my passport and identification card and remain in Indonesia a fugitive by choice. But that was then and now the scenario is alot more positive and my mind has at last found its grounding through mostly the help of others who has laid their believe and trust in what i have set to accomplish in this life as an artist.
I look forward to this trip and God willing will do my best to make it well worth every dime and penny that my friend is willing to invest to make this trip a memorable one. My children are okey with the arrangenment and are old enough that I do not have to worry about their wellbeing and my health is at its best for the undertaking so it looks like all systems go! Insha'Allah!!

(My Dad was an Artist)

Trip to The Immigratiom Dept.

I have drank from the Dragon's Mouth! Notice the curious snakelike or dragolike flash of light over my head!!

The saga continues with the trip to the immigration to get application forms for my two children who are still Americans. The next step is again gathering all the peretinant papers and getting duplicates made any errors or missing papers would meant crossing the Penang Bridge back and forth as the Immigration Department is now located across the channel and no more in Georgetown Weld Quay area where it used to be. This also meants that it would automatically cost you RM7 for the bridge everytime you return, but it has to be done like it or not befroe the date is due i need to have my kids registered in one form or another so they can have some form of legitimate indentification papers.
This process of getting my children their proper IDs has been dragging on like an everlasting nightmare so much so that i dread going to the IM.Dept. or the Registration Department. Everytime the school calls me to enquire about my children's citizenship status I get an ulcer, my mind goes into a depressive mode, my creative impulses take a dive into the unknown, unretreiveable. if I had been adrug addict I would have given myself a lethal shot! But... hey you just have to grit your teeth and bite the bullet, go for it and bust your balls even if it takes ten or twenty trips facing the same tombstone faces whose sense of mercy is just above that of a computer in their carrying out of their duties. I have been at it for going on ten years now and hell if i die toaday who the hell is going to take on for my children with their mother unavailable and their Grandmother too old to do much in America. My Malaysian family and friends as they themselves would tell you "faham, faham saja-lahh!" Who do i turn to that I have not already?

( I have worn the Devil's own Mask)

The echos of my eldest brother's words rings loudly in my ears everytime i dwell into these predicaments I am in, "You have brought it upon yourself, dont't blame anyone for what you are going through!" Thank you Sir! Scrap one person who one might approach for help with all his so called connections in and around the state on Terengganu, what can he have done if he had wanted to? But I am the hot- headed brother who needs to be taught a lesson, Me! for crying out loud! But why do you punish my children who respect if not loved you as their uncles? For the past month of Ramadan my children faithfully fasted believing themselves to be Muslims like their father and like their father they may not be perfect Muslims but the fact that they were will to observe the fasting spirit means simply that they have accepted the fact that they are Muslims, not Christians, not Jewish or Buddhist but, Muslims and as such they deserve a little sympathy from their fellow Muslim Uncles and Aunties in their plights to the right to live in this country even as a Permanent resident. My intention of bringin them home with me at the cost of loosing their mother through a terminal illness was to introduce and convert them all three to Islam and this I had accomplish. What are your excuses for not caring about their fate or their sensitivity towards how you treat them? and YOU CALL YOURSELVES GOOD MUSLIMS, FORGET ME, i DONT ASK NOR NEED YOUR SYMPATHIES, but hey, my children has done you no wrong and they are converts who has lost their mother perhaps permanently for crying out loud, what does it says in the Holy Book about situations like this?

The only reason I am appealing to my brothers is because it is said that I cannot severe the blood relationship between us without incurring the wrath of the AlMIghty and so damn if I do and damn if I dont! To say that I have lost my respect for my two remaining siblings would not be totally incorrect but to say that I am ungrateful for all that they had done or given me in the past is not true and let this writing be the testimony to my standing where my realtionship to my two remaining older brothers are concern. I sicerely wish I had not been readopted at the age of twelve after I was being raised by my Uncle in Penang, this was the turning point in my life that had led me to become so bitter at times that I dont even know where to hide my feelings. I left my home and my country out of sheer frusteration carrying with me all the dark family secrets of some of which I am too ashame to even mention to myself and my rivalry with my twin brother has been like a cancerous tumor in my heart ever eating away at my own sanity while I admire his life of hypocracy in wealth and religion. I am the demon who had left my faith and embraced other religions in the effort to learn and understand myself who I am, why I am the way I am. I would have made a great and heartless assasin if I had been in any given situation or ideology to stand up for as there is enough anger in me to commit heineous crimes against my fellow man! But I have chosen the cowards road towards salvation, the way of the Buddha and the Boddhisatvas. I took the Vows of the Boddhisatvas to uphold Love and Compassion towards all santient beings and lead them towards salvation and i write and record my journey for the world to witness so that I do not lie to myself and my endeavors. I do not deny my strength and my weaknesses, such that before i die I will at least let it be known to my children who their father was and where he went wrong and he did right.
Wheeww!! That took a load off my chest and it has been sitting in there causing so much pain all these years only the AlMighty has knowledge of it for every night I sit up in my bed and ask Him for His forgivenss, for His compassion and Infinite Mercy. I know deep in my heart I have been a sinner more so than most man care to admit to himself and this is my way of confessing to the Universe that i cherish and all its inhabitants whose life i had been fortunate enough to share in this short span of my life. The Moaning and groaning of the Cheeseburger Buddha has been set in motion to arrive at this final hurdle in my journey of unravelling and untanggling my psycho-emotional state on mind while questing for the perfection in being human. I may have fell short but the journey is not over yet and the Fat lady has not sang the Blues. The show must go on and ther is much yet to unravel, more layers yet to be peeled before the final cut, Insha'Allah!!

'Moi Soup' for Breakfast

(OOO! She likes my Prints!)

Moi soup is actually rice gruel sprinkled with shredded chicken meat and some 'ikan bilis' or fried herrings, usually a sprinkle of red pepper and shredded pickled cabbage is also added and all these makse up a steamy bowl of Moi Soup. The Japanese has Miso soup for breakfast and this is too is quite a healthy breakfast just like Moi Soup which starts off the day by tyaking it easy on your stomach linings as opposed to when you go for a hefty plate of fried rice or fried Koa Teow, or a plate of Nasi Lemak basked with hot spicy Ikan Bilis paste. This would be like burning away a part of sromach linnings juast like puorinf down liquid Draino down the sink or toilet bowl. However these are a few of Malaysians' typical breakfast of champions whic includes Nasi lemak the favorite among Malays, Nasi kandar, everyone's favorite in Penang, Nasi Goreng or Mee, Beehoon and Koa Teow Goreng, Roti Canai bathed with excessive amount of Dal curry. In the East Coast Nasi Dagang replaces nasi Lemak but the spicy effect of the curry is equally toxic to the stomach, how we fill our tanks with all these assorted dishes and not have ulcers at an early age is a miracle of life itself.
Most westerners would envy us our choices fro this first meal of the day whch incidentaly usually is all washed down with a tall glass of 'Teh Tarik' or a cup of Nescafe half filled with condensed milk. It is sacrileage, the things we ingest so early in the morning before our stmoach even had a chance to recuperate from last night's bombardment of 'roti nan with cheese and Tandoori Chicken at the El Kapitan's! But we Malaysians have ceveloped by sheer necessity cast -iron stomachs from our early age, from the day our mothers decided that we were ready for her specialty, curry kepala ikan or the infamous fish head curry and from that day onwrds we became suckered into cravings for 'Alagappa's Spice' products of various contoction, Beaf curry powder, chicken curry powder, mutton curry powder, dalca, kurma' fish curry powders and what would we do without these? Through out our gormet history our taste buds has been influenced or even corrupted by the various combinations of curry powders handed down for generations and seasoned to our taste today.
Whether Malays, Chinese or Indians or the various other denominations that makes up this nation, we all are guilty of subjecting our stomachs to the torture of poor choice of breakfast and we love it! We walk around with hearburns and indigestion the rest of the morning but we will have it no other ways. The Breakfast of Champions for Malaysians, Dont LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT!

Hari Raya Came and Went

There was no 'Balek Kampung' for me this year and so Hari Raya Aidil Fitri was spent in George Town, Penang visiting relatives and friends. The fasting month came to an end and i must say i did fast the whole month at least where food and drinks are concern however spiritually i had my doubts as to the purity of my fasting, but this i know the AlMighty knows well enough and will take into consideration accordingly as he is 'Oft-forgiving and Most mercifull and Allah I doubt is too overly concern over the minor trangressions of His servants. But one tries the best that is expected without being overly zealous so much so that one becomes swollen with pride over one's religious standings.
I fully realize that I have alot of making up to do where fasting is concern as i had never fasted for all those years spent overseas much less pray five times a day, but had Allah wanted me to be born a practicing Muslim He would not have allowed me my journey in life as it had been. I do not regret my past life and experiences for better or for worse but i have come to understand better my position spiritually in this life and know when i am a hypocrate or when I am genuine in my worship of my Maker. I now feel more than i ever did His Being, His Prescence and His Infinite Compassion towards those who seek to be home again after wandering lost l0oking for that which Is. I consider my self having entered Islam again through the back door and am seeking the acceptance of my fellow true believers in the practice of getting closer to that which we seek. I had never been a true Muslim all those years i was travelling in the West but i knew i was converted to Islam at the age of twelve and this made me a Muslim by conversion and Islam had always been that I ultimately seek to understand. Not merely the tenets and the rules and regulations, not just the historical and the words of the Prophet and the Holy Koran but the Islam that sits in the center of my heart. The Islam that is the original Devine Spark that is the Essence of Allah, I want to go home to this and not to Heaven or Hell but the the source that I came from.
Yesterday I stood in the Muslim cemetary at Dato'Kramat Road the cemetery where my Grandfather and Grandmother and all my aunties and Uncles are buried and where my second eldest brother was laid to rest two or three weeks ago. I was there to lay to rest my Auntie who had died at 3.30 am yesterday morning. She was unpligged from her life support equipments at the Lam Wah EE Hospital after she suffered a massive stroke and the doctor in charge saw no sense in prologing her suffering. As I held her face in my hands and called out to her to surrender or submit to Allah the pain and suffering I could feel the tension in her head like it was ready to explode! Her eyes were totally dilated but i could still senese the fear of not being able to breath. I stayed with her for quite a long time tryin my damdest to give her some comfort by my touching her and my voice in the effort to reach her but I was unsuccessful for she was struggling for her life breath for breath gasping and gaging. I was moved by the sight and the xperience of the whole event watching this woman who is two years older than me tortured till death claims her two and half hours latter after she was unplugged.
Life is Suffering, the Buddha is said to have said, Impermanence, old age and death is part and parcel of that which is called life. All that breath must taste death and death comes whenever and wherever regardless of one's condition or status in life and more often than not one is never ready for it even if one dare to claim that one is free from the fear of death. We spent most of our life living with death at the back of our mind tucked away in the farthest corner of our mental closset, we most of us live in denila of death till death knocks on our door. Islam insist that we live in preparation for our final destination after death, the life of the hereafter, where Allah will raise all of the sons of Adam back to their conciousness on Judgement Day. Death in the physical sense is merely a transition from one state to another for the soul when the physical body is claimed back by the veryy earth that it was created from. For the Buddhist the soul that survives the physical death goes into a transmigration stage where it will finally be reborn according to its Karmic state. Incarnation according to Buddhism is the spiritual evolution of the souls towards attaining to a state of being human again withtout anymore stains or blemishes from the physical world of existance, enlightened and becoming Light after going through countless transmigration of Birth, Death and Re-Birth. A liberated Soul is a soul that has freed itself from the chains and bonds of this Mayavic world or plane we live in due to our ignorance of it being an Illusion accepting whatever we experience as beith 'Real'. The Buddha aspired to be liberated from this Illusive world through various mens of realizations and awakennings including that of realizing the state death and dieing. Buddhism thus had developped various practices towards making man come to a full realization and complete awareness at the time of his death so that when it happens he is fully awaken and thus not afraid or confused.
In this modern day and age most of us will most probably die in a state of totally be under the influence of drugs and pain killers. Our mind or whatever is left of it at the approach of death most probably will be so sedated that our response to death would almost be mechanically drug oriented, we die in a state of being stone or high. Whatever happens after is as good as irrelevant to even dwell upon as there is not a shred of evidence that can testify that our soul can survive somewhere else after the body has seized to function. The atheist and non believers or free thinkers would say 'We told you so' and they may be right! But to the religious and sprituallly inclined, death is only the beginning of an even greater journey for the souls of the departed. Death is merely a shedding of skin from one form to another, one plane to another from one state of conciousness to another and this realization is what makes man different from other creatures. Without this realization man can do and get away with murder for he is held accountable to no one or any laws that can hold his acctions right or wrong accountable if he escapes this life through death by old age alone. Faith in the believe that ther is a life in the hereafter or in the event called karmic retribution as in the Buddhist believe is what has held most generations of civilization from self annihillation. It may be in the guise of the fear of the unknown that man checks himself from becoming a whole lot worse than the animals although there many instances he has already, however the majority or mankind still maintian that the soul will survive and will answer for what it had been in this physical realm of existance. That heaven and hell maybe for some just allegorical ideas to frighten or persuade our appropriate behaviours, but the fact that watching someone in the throws of death still frightens one is something to ponder upon for every living man. If man is keen enough to learn more about death he should educate himself by wathching the process of the decay of the human body through a glass case instead of assuming what happens beneath his feet at the cemetary.

SELAMAT HARI HARI TO ALL!!

Three More days!

This morning I decided to go to the mosque and perform the Subuh (morning Prayer) after an all night-der. I stayed up all night doing sketches from some works done by Chinese Artists in life and figure drawings..its good practice when you run out of ideas, it helps to keep the fingers and eyes aligned and the mind focussed and especially when you have slept all day and having difficulty sleeping at night. I have been enjoying the Morning prayers at the mosque for the last few days and there is no doubt that I feel the calming and centering effect while i sat there in the mosque doing the Zikr or doing the Solat itself. My mind is less and less scattered and I am beginning to 'feel' more so when I am standing there before my Maker. The smaller number of people in the congregation helps as i am often prone to distractions especially in the form of passing judgements over some stranger who happen to give me a look or wear soemthing not in tune with or prosterate too long for it to be correct... blah, blah.
Pathetic for one who does meditation all thes years in order to develope a sense of centeredness or a focussed mind! But... hey I am still a novice, I am learning, I make mistakes and who cares and who knows? The fact that i am writing all these experiences that live through as incomplete as it is is a testimony to the fact that I am still experimenting with life and in A YEAR i WILL BE SIXTY!! Funny how the capitals popped up by my missing or hitting the caps button unintentionally! Yep almost sixty and i still walk around like a moron who thinks the whole world is watching every step, every breath and every mistake i make and gives a hoot! But that's okay too, I mean who in their right mind would take the trouble to read what I am writing and if they do hey more power for them as i always say there might be a thing or two that might shed a light into their own mess and who knows it might even help to untangle a few knots here there for them.

The twenty seventh day of Ramadan, it is one of those most aupicious days, the Day of days by Islamic standard where Allah has chosen as one of the Holiest, the day when the Holy Koran cameto mankind through His Prophet. I will not get too deeply into the significance of this day and night but by Muslim standard it like winning the spiritual lottery if one is lucky enough to be spiritually active performing any acts that keeps one in touch with the AlMighty. It is said that this special night could fall on any of the odd days and especially in the last ten days of the fasting month. I believe that there is such a night, a night when the Devine Cociousness opens itself to allow for the complete engulfment of all creation in a symbolic all in One, One in all gesture where there is total Oneness in being. Vincent Van Gogh might have expereinced it in his Stary Nights painting, Gautama the Buddha might have attained his enlightenment on this night some two thousand six hundren years ago when he awoke from his hunger fast and meditation to witness the morning star. It a night of Devine Intervention, a night when the doors of heaven opens and the angels themselves are allowed to visit the worlds and mingle among the Believers or those whose minds were in tune to or in alignment with the rest of the Universe. Why not! man deserves such blessings only if he realizes it and not when he slumbers away in his ignorance for only an awaken mind can be touched by an awakened spirit...so stay awake! Spiritually Awake! For what is a man wihtout his spirit and what is the spirit without the soul?
Ah... what can i say i am also half asleep half the time not knowing which way or which direction I am headed how far or how near i am to my Maker... and why the obsession with wanting to be so close to the Maker? All these questions all these doubts and lack of faith, why cant I hust live life like a Zen master and act as though life is like a swinging door, it swings in when you breath in and out when you breath out and that's all there is to it off course if you stop breathing you are dead, like eat when you are hungry and sleep when you are sleepy and sit and watch the grass grow...make life simple or simplify life. Why the five time a day prayers that cannot be missed or the fasting for the whole month but eating like hell in between and why the guilt trip when not fullfilling any of these? Questions! Do you care?
The cause of suffering is desire! The need to have, the cravings the wanting more and better, these leads on to suffering , so said the Buddha and this morning the Imam at the mosque in his lecture said Fasting is the way to curb your desires! Fasting is the only way to bring your Nafs or desire nature under control for desire is one of the most difficult of human nature to bring to submission. Only by subjecting the body to hunger and the mind to sexual disciplin can one come to ride the wild human nature called Desire. Part of the purpose of fasting body and mind is to subject one's sense of desire to an awakening experience, a wake up call to the senses so that none gats way out of hand by outdoing itself like stare too much at women's tits or smeeling too much gum fumes osniffing too much coke or drinking excessively of the good stuff that makes the head spin in ten differnet directions or voice out oppinions without recourse. these are afew of the habit that is brought to check when one is fasting... ain't that a clever way to do it? A smoker like me saves some money and maybe adds a few more days to my life by fasting... what more can i ask? Ones who plays with himself too much has to clean up before the break of dawn, take full ablution in order to fast, what a drag!
For a whole month Allah makes it mandatory for theMuslims to fast but not all does it offcourse and most who does do it lets a few drops of water slips through the throat whenever he or she decides to take a shower or even an ablution for prayer...then there are those who writes their rules accordingly to suit their taste for the fasting month, but Allah is All Knowing and All Forgiving, so ther you have it! You don't really have to fast! Be smart, hide behind closed doors and eat all you want or smoke all you can and drink and be marry, so long as you keep out of your neighbor's view who cares! Why torture yourselves! At the end of the day when the month of ramadan has come to an end you can always look back and say yes! I did it my way! Life goes on and what a beutiful day it is with no fuss or worrying over eating and drinking or fornicating at anytime of the day!
Yes The Month of months, during which the Holy Koran was delivered unto the Prophet (SAW) through the Archangel Gabriel on this Night of nights, this is the month when every Beleiver does his mental, body and spiritual house cleaning, re- accessing, re-juvenating and re=energising every aspect of our human nature such that we remain human in nature and less of a beast that ever threatens to rob us of our spirituality and cast us into the abomnation of being an Asshole.(the one whose Ass has been cast into the hole).

Death Stalks Islamabad,Pakistan

Hooray!! another Hotel bites the dust, another symbol of exploitation and repression has taken a kick in the butt and terrorism lives on! About the sixty or so of those innocent victims..oh, Heck there's got tobe some collateral damages otherwise what the hell good is a bomb attack if only a few rats and roaches suffered as casualties.
Hooray and Tree Cheers for AlQaeda, did they really pulled it off?? Is this another one of the Muslim Brothers' strike at the injustices of those who are in power and anti-Islam, whose ideas does not conform to... What!! Did they really do it?? Oh well we will have to wait and see after the dust had settled down some form of claims or evidence will pop up from somewhere, somewone will not be able to stand the itch to claim victory over...What!!
The sower of miseries, the anti-Christ, the Beast in the Sheepskin among the sons of Adam... he or it is sitting somewhere laughing away at the incredible carnage that man has been able to wrought against his fellow man without remorse all in the name of...What!!
The Good Lord has given us the brain, the mind,something that no other creature of His has been endowed with that is capable to feel Love and Compassion, Guilt and Concience and He created man as the Vicegerent among His creatures, the Caliph to oversee His creation and how proud and arrogant man has become to what purpose!!
Man is without doubt fullfilling his own destiny in the theosophical sense if not in the physical, he has become a victim of his own self dellusion, self agrandizement and self serving egotistcal nature, that which satan refused to bow to when the Good Lord created the first man. The angels were made to humble before man but only a few refused why?? These few knew that only man will crap himself on the very plate that he eats from. Only man is capable of claiming victory over the burial mounds of his fellow man all in the name of his tribe, his belief, his ideology, his Creator, his God and to what length or distance he would be willing to go to in order that these systems or religious beleiefs are justified.
Man has thrown caution to the winds, taken upon himself to play God and the words mercy and compassion has become a rarity or obsolete. Love is the ability to get laid and Truth is relative as to who stands to benifit what. It is difficult to tell the difference anymore between a politician and priest or who to trust for that matter for they have both become merchants; they sell their souls to the highest bidder.
So what's my point!!
Live and let Live!
Man has arrived at thea pinnacle of his mental achievements as nowwhere in time has his mind been so creative and productive he has build the tallest Tower of Babel in his own History: the Computer. Man has taken a gigantic step towards becoming a Universal Collective Conciousness that can only be short of devine in nature if and when harnessed and put together as one. With this tool in hand with this small realization man has forgotten himself, his mission and his purpose, he has the desire to become AlMighty. Man is close to become the Creator forgetting his own creation his humble origin of that of a piece of clay and a clod of blood, of just an egg and a sperm. Man has assumed that he can take and give life at will and that there will be no repurcussions while he is still alive. Someday he might even overcome old age and death and set about colonizing the rest of the Universe spreading his illnesses like his ancesstors did all in the name of freedom and justices all in the name of his God!

My Brother 'Jaya' is Gone

When we arrived at the Intensive care Unit of the Penang Genaral Hospital, my nephews and i were told that my brother, their father had passed about ten minutes ago. I was not moved with sadness for him but I was more relieved by the news. My second eldest brother like his younger brother Gina had no desire to prolong their lives on this plane of existance and they had let me know this not in so many ways and I feel the same in this matter sometimes wishing that it is me that is laying there all covered up, gone! I love my brother and like my late brother Gina they both went through life with a lot less to brag about and l being in my position as it is was in no way of much help to them while they were alive. Of the four brothers I had two are gone now and both grew up in Penang just like me and only later were sent to live with my parents and the rest of our siblings in Terengganu. All three of us are the failures as compared to the two who made it in life despite all the adversities that our family faced. There's none to blame as my eldest brother would remind me every so often but, ourselves. Yes we made the choices and we bear the consequences. Gina chose to be a school dropout, drug pusher, and later a gangster, while Jaya never even attended school and lived away from home and family most of his life growing up in Penang, look where they got!! And me well... my story aint over yet and if there is any happy ending for me it would be higly unlikely that it would be hailed as a triumph of the spirit.

Oh well maybe there is a silver lining in all these who knows I could still end up publishing my book or my son the High Flyer might in all likelihood find it in his heart to help his half brother and sister out in solving their residency issue and who knows what the Good Lord has in store yet. Anyhow Jaya is gone leaving behind him his children and grandchildren whose future from the way things are would seem bleak as his was. Why we keep bringing children into this world knowing how bad it is is beyond me, it is like bringing along more cattle for the packing houses. As a Muslim I am made to believe that this life I am leading is only a prelude to th after life, hence i should not cling to it too seriously. Clinging or not I know for myself that it is a cosmic joke that i am here and someone somewhere is laughing it off and worse yet after all said and done i am going to have to answer for all my deeds here right or wrong. The two angels on my left and right are ever watchful and recording every word i am typing and reading my thoughts most probably while i am thinking...such is freedom! Oh yes, the Ulamas will be raising their eyebrows if i keep writing in this line of thoughts as it is approaching blaspheme and Islam is a very intolerant religion when it come the Shirik and the Munafik (Hypocrates). Oh well, I write about myself of myself and for myself in order that i may come to understand who I am or where i stand in the events of Creation itself. I have a tough time swallowing whole the Islam that is being practiced by my fellow Muslims today and it is in no way the fault of the religion itself but that of the so called interpreters and devotees of the religion. There are too much hypocracies among my fellow so called Muslim Brothers and sisters that it stinks. Money talks and bullshit walks is the religious practice of the day, it is who you know that makes you a better Muslim and not what you know. The mosque is half filled and getting lesser by the day not bacause the people have forgotten their religion but because they have a difficult time from recognising what is real and what is a sham. Politicians parades as religious teachers and Ulamaks disguised as politicians. The Mosque or BaitulMal is rich while the masses is in need. Lets invest the Fittrah collect from the masse and that way we can generate more money for the Religious department coffer, and when we give just make sure that 'our people' are the benificiaries, our relatives and friends, after all it is said that charity begins closer to home! This is Islam under the 'Magic Carpet' where if religion is a thing that money could buy than the rich would live and the poor would die, My brother died in poverty and worse yet a very broken hearted man defeated in every respect, his self esteem robbed by his wife who brought in the man she remarried to live under the same roof with him and his children and grandchildren, his health from so much physical pain that and most of all his heart broken by the fact that his own brothers and sisters paid no mind much less help to ease his burden while he was alive.
And whose fault was it??
I may not be able to tie my turban like the Arabs do or read the Koran in its original text but this much I can say, if the Holy prophet were alive today he too would not want to hang around too long and watch his Ummah go down the tubes. Allah forgive me for my doubts, not in Him but in His so called devotees, not in the mountains and the rivers but in my fellow human beings especially those that dare declare themselves Muslims!The Rasul of Allah is said to have said that of all mankind only about 70,000 are true Believers in Islam and the rest are well, the rest... 70.000 out of billions and billions!!! In one season at the Haj in Mekah alone there is often not less than two million of Allah's faihtfuls! maybe the prophet did not really said it in all seriousness, maybe He was being skeptical of the people of his time.

Fasting Onnn...

The tenth day of the fasting month and I am dragging my butt along trying to keep up with the full practice giving myself all kinds of excuses why to or why not. My lower back pain has practically stopped me from doing the Taraweh prayers, a convenient excuse perhaps but I wish my guilt tripping would seize from managing my life whehther spiritually of materially. I sometimes feel like I am forcing to perform not so much for my belief's sake but for the friends and relative's sake, for what would the neighbors say's sake. However I cannot deny that deep down I have a weak disposition and it is most evident when it comes to putting my self to the spiritual disciplin.
I am regressing again and may Allah forgive me for being such a weakling, I fast but my fasting is incomplete or might even be worthless as I fail to perform all the other obligations that is compulsory for a Muslim to perform like the five times a day prayers. Everytime I hear the call for prayer from the mosques over the loudspeakers my heart feels sad it is as though I am forfeiting my chances of winning a lottery for no good reason other than sheer laziness or lack of faith. I am greatful for all that Allah has bestowed upon me and there is no greater love for me this day than the love of the AlMighty Creator and if I am to die in His service I gladly will but this sounds as flakey even for me.

For the love of the Al-Mighty I could not perform my prayers even if I wanted to as my mind will not allow for its total surrender or submission. The will always be an intrusion into my Solat(prayer) by thoughts out of nowwhere just as though what I would be doing was just pure physical actions with no spiritual substance whatsoever in them. I like to pray, I even enjoy praying sometimes when I can full concentrate upon my act of worship, however, I fail most of the time to feel the connection between my heart and my soul.I do my worshipping while sitting in meditation and would attain much more genuine feeling of the act than I would performing the mandatory solat. Sitting meditation or Tafakur as in Islam is one form of offering one's prayer or getting close to Allah but it is not a substitution for the daily solat. So here's the catch for me damn if I do and damn if I dont.I often feel like I am existinfg in a floating world of dellusion an empty husk floating aimlessly along the firface of life for no rhyme or reason. My prescence on this planet is just a long bloody waste of time with alot of garbage to show for and nothing more.

I now realize that it is not money or the lack of it that is tha cause of my often times what i can only call manic- depression for even as I am financially stable at the moment my heart is sick with depair. It is an incomplete feeling like something is missing from its very core. I am envious of those who seemingly makes it look so simple in performing their obligations towards their religious practice as Muslims and am even beginning to see the correlation between material and spiritual wealth in some like my cousins and brothers but it all seems still emphimeral like there is something that I quite fail to grasp, the Truth eludes me.

Perhaps i seriously need to find a spiritual companion to fill the empty space left by my wife. I am a very sexually oriented soul by nature and have been living an almost celibate life for as long as my daughter has been born. She is now almost seventeen and that is practically how many years i have really been without a real soul mate for my wife was just my wife a mother to my children, a fully committed career person whose interest in sexual intimacy was practically nil. Far from it I do not blame her for my shortcomings and yes she was a aprt of it like it or not but suffice to say I have been living a hollow unwholesome life with my better half missing, a Yang without its Yin.

Find a wife they say, you cannot live a solitary life even if you have your children to keep you company. Yeah! Right! its like i can step out one day and find a compatible woman ask her to marry me while having to tell her that i have two kids who are foreign citizens and my income comes from and ureliable source of being an artist, like sometimes you have and most of the times you are scrounging to make ends meet.Oh by the way I am also subjected to fits of temper as pointed out by my relatives and in laws most of whom would not be having any good words to speak of me. I have practically nothing to offer in terms of property, not eeven an insurance policy if and when I die to leave behind and no pension to boot. So who in heaven's name would consider having me for a partner to spend in sick and health for the rest of my days? Perhaps I have squandered my life in persuit of the grand illusion, the life of an artist, seeker traveller whatever, but I sure as hell have failed as a father, husband and most ashamedly as a spiritual man. I still cannot pray five times a day!!

Dhubai or Die 2

From the pictures sent via 'Snapfish' by my son of his orientation program at the Emerates Airline training facility I gather that the 'mixed up kid' is now quite officially one of the crew members of the Airlines now. Yeah... I am proud of the fact that my son has achieved his dream allthough he did fell short of what he had actually aimed for when he was in college. He wanted to be an Aerospace engineer when he initially set out to conquer the outerspace but hell the kid could not keep his head straight for awhile there what with all the girls getting in his hair in those days.
His mom deserves all the credit for she was a teacher and she taught him better than anyone could have on how to be an achiever in life for if it had been up to me he would be working in the packing house somewhere in GreenBay, Wisconsin. It broke my heart when she took him to Germany after our devorce while my son was five or six but I knew she did the right thing and accepted the fact, it was a blessing for all of us and thank you Lord for Your Grace in making it right all these years. I learned that loving someone does not have to mean that you own them but more so that you are willing to let them go. As it was i was in no position at all to carry the responsibilty of a father as my head was unscrewed during those years and saveral nuts and bolts were left loose. I was a very angry young man when i first started off in the United States, a scared and angry young man who did not know any better and got sucked into the Meat Packing House life of the Mid West where beer drinking was a norm, womanizing followed and dope smoking was waiting around the block.

I met Nazri's mother in Kuala Terengganu, onthe East Coast when she was on vacation from Mara Institute of Technology in Shah Alam where she was a foreign student from The University of Stevens Point, in Wisconsin sometime in 1973. One thing lead to another and soon we found ourselves a proud parent to this eager beaver who decided to join us in holy metrimony before we were really ready for it. But we got married in Sungai Pinang, Penang in what was considered by my peers who were then mostly the Hindu boys then as a cowboy or shotgun Muslim wedding. I was the proudest father to be on this side of the of the Sungai Pinang at that time. I could not believe it for a long long time untill I got a phone call one morning from the Asunta Hospital in Kuala Lumpur letting me jnow that I should be a proud man for my wife has delivered a baby boy tha morning. I was in Penang some three hundred miles away working at Hagemeyer Trading Company as a sales assistant. Apparently Naz's mom had driven herself (with him) to the hospital from the college where she was teaching in our clunker Beetle VW and got helself admitted and just had the boy!

When I got the call I was stund as we were not expecting him not for a month or two at least, but no!, no waiting for that kid. Fortunately being who she was Nazri's mother got everything that was needed for the baby and had them all packed away in a large suitcase all set and ready for the big day! I took the day off and headed for KL that afternoon but only made it to Ipoh and from Ipoh onwards I was stuck by the roadside with a large suitcase full of baby things standing at dusk in a drizzling rain and the whole area was lit up by the yellowish street light above my head. How can one forget such an event in one's life, when warm tears flowed freely and fear and despair almost brought one to the knees begging for help. It was the day of The Dead, Chinese all over the country visited their dearly departed and so there was hardly any public transportation available, the Planes were fully booked the train was fully booked, buses were fully booked the taxis, i manged to catch one only up to Ipoh and that was that.
As i stood there in semi darkness underneath a three to avoid getting soaked a Datsun came up and stopped in front of me. The driver asked me where i was headed and without much ado told me to throw the bag in the back seat and off we went. He told me he had one small condition if I were to ride with him to KL and that was i had to put up with the cassette record of the Hindu Puja (Hymms) to Lord Ganesha which he had always played while travelling long distances. He went on to talk to me about life and being able to cope with it in the darkest of times and the lightest untill we reached Asunta Hospital in Petaling Jaya, Kuala Lumpur.
I walked into my wife's recovery room at 10 pm. that night and she was still up and the moment our eyes made contact tears tarted popping out of her bluest of eyes, how can one forget such moments in life? Being way past the visiting hours I was allowed to see my son through the glass window from a distance, however a nurse came along and out of her kind heart led me into the room to hold my son in my arms and whisper into his ears the Azan which is the right of every Muslim father to perform as soon as a child is born. This was like Christening the baby, a solemn transmission between father and son of Faith,(Iman). So is my son a Muslim, as a father I say by birth yeas and so was his mother by conversion, however ib practice it is entirely up to their choices and what life has in store for them as "Man proposes, God Disposes".

Watchout Guys! There's a New Kid in Town!

There's my sone peeking from the corner of the picture with his collegues maybe fellow Pilots for the Emerates Airlines. Looks a bit like me even but off course he could never out do the old man when it comes to good looks.

His brains is a whole different matter must take after his Mom in that category.



Pilot training station at the Emerate Air? I am still having problem getting the right pictures downloaded, will get better ones in the future as soon as i larn the trick.

The Fasting Begins

The month of Ramadan began yesterday and I managed to get through it barely loosing my tops with my kids. How small irritations can become major explosions when your bewlly is growling and your head is in a migraine mode. I even made it to the mosque at night for the Taraweh prayers, a special prayers performed during the month of Ramadan. Being the laid back ladaisical kind of Muslim not worth the beard growing on my face, I must admit that performing the prayers in the mosque has had its calming effects on my mind. I had made my silent vows towards fulfilling my fasting throughout this month to the best of my ability and I had asked my Creator to assist me in this performance as i am even at my age today still as flacky and fickle when it come making commitments as i had ever been especially when it comes to religious ones. If all goes as promised and Allah keeps His promises, I am bound for the deep end as i am sure that by all counts i have one hell of a long list to catch up to in repaying my debts and promisses, in recocilliating and forgiving and in cleaning up my garbage filled mind. My closet is filled with skeletons and my soul is haunted by past mistakes and reckless living and my heart is a roost for ancient and twisted karmas born through greed, hate and dellusions.

But if promises are keptand Allah keeps His promisses, this month of Ramadan is yet another chance for one like yours truly who had" squandered all his resistance for a pocket full of marbles, such are promisses," to do a little more of his souls searching and heart cleansing practice. The fasting month has always been a great spiritual struggle for me not because i cannot stand hunger and pain but because of my faith towards my Maker. During these days when i am fasting, if i fast, my mind is being put to the toughest challenge of the finer acts of resistance of desires especially sexual desires. Food is not hard to resist but the mental forms of fornication can be a torture and if one is like me where the mind is constantly incriminating against itself at every distraction. The senses are heightened when you are fasting and the need to maintian a sense of detachment from all forms of sexual becomes a monumental effort without giving in and thus forfeiting one's fast for the day.

Why do I torture myself such? This is what i have asked myelf time and again whenever I am confronted with religous issues versee fulfilling my desires which comes as naturally as my lack of understanding and faith does. Waht do I hope to gain if all is being predestined for me or what or who am I trying to prove in undertaking any form of self discipline or mind purification practices? I look around me and all I see is the same old tricks played in different forms and manifestations and all in the effort to promote the AlMighty 'self'. Wear the beard and dorn the skull cap and you are a Haj and people look to you with respect and garner for your oppinions. Pray five tiems a day and you become aloof from the rest of humanity because you are closer to God and you are given the answers or worse yet you have become the chosen ones! Visit the Holy Land three times in your lifetime because you can afford it and the hell with your brothers and sisters whose children are on the verge of becoming thieves. And I want to become one of you??

As long as I have been going to the Mosque for the Friday prayers I had never felt the holyness or he wholesome feeling of being in the presecence of the Maker and at times far from it i had often left the house of my Lord more dismayed if not downright pissed. Why?? I had seen and witnessed more friendly and heartwarming looks in the market places and on the streets than I had ever in the prayer house of God, more than not I would gat a disdain stare like 'what the fauck are you doing here.? If you ask me why I am ambivalent about my religious commitment as a Muslim all I can say is that i am not a religious being no, I am a Spiritual Being. I seek to align my spirit with that of my creator and eventually merge into His Being. This muc i had come to understand and that is , I am not an atheist, I am a believer if not a True Believer. If there is anything i fear about life and death is the fact that i nver tried to understand my belief in that which is my Creator. I am afraid that my life had been a total waste at the end of my days and where i head on from then on would be nothing more than repurcussions of my lack of understanding of this phenomenon I call life and living, death and dying.

When the call to prayer was louded over the speakers from four or five different voices of the Bilals from in and around the area, I was twisitng like a demon burning from self torment. my mind struggles with all kinds of reasoning on why I cannot pray why these prayers are not for me and inadvertantly for my children as well. This has been going on for as long as I had lived and within the hearing distance of the mosques. I look at my neighbors' children as they are all dressed up with their white trubans and goaties well trimmed their white Pakistani Kurta and clean sarongs getting ready to leave in answer to the call. I reflected upon myself and my children and I had no answers but just a feeling of emptiness, guilt ridden sense of emptiness. QWhy?? As I look at these individuals at their performances i also realized that these are the hypocrates whose personality I care not for in their daily lives. I have come to know them and through my observations of their ways I cannot say that they have my utmost respect for their display of piety. But who am I to judge? my trip in this life is strictly self discovery, on knowing or coming to know who I am and not compare or critisize others for who or what they are.

This fasting month is for me yet another milestone of my getting to know my LOrd and how i fare through this whole month of Ramadan is yet to be seen and as always i will wrtie it all down for my better understanding of the whys and why nots. Allah, I 'oft forgiving and Most Merciful' and in this i had always held to be the ultimate Truth. If i fail in all else towards becoming a True Beleiver in this I rest my mind my heart and my soul, that He forgives even the worse of the worse if and when He decides it so. In the meantime my journey in life will go on untill the end of days for me.