It has not been easy, It might even get harder.

 

Indeed my journey is ending at least one phase and I foresee the beginning another ; I am about to step out of the comfort zone that i have been living for the past seven to eight years. These were the years i had tried to help my two adult children set themselves up and protect them negative influences that i felt would have caused them them their future. I felt back then before we moved into this present apartment that all three of us were simply drifting with no stability in our future especially for my children who were moving in an out of unstable employment and being slowly sucked into bad company. It was my failure as a father not to provide for them a better living condition after  their mother departed, I had given up hope back then seeing that everything I had worked hard for to provide a good home for my family was taken away when our lives were being put to the grind by one mishap after another until my late wife had to be sent home to the US on account of her illness. These negative events in our lives have been written somewhere in this Blog I am positive and there is no need for me to recount them here. These events that have led up to the present situation I find myself in were all along just a part of an ongoing journey that I have chosen for myself whether I had realized it or not at the time, however they were not all hard or uncomfortable nor were they too overwhelming for me not to be able to handle and overcome. 

I have made up my mind that it is time to move on, to take another leap of faith and explore what else is there for me to experience and learn from on the road. It is not going to be easy and to many it might even be madness at my age and with back up plan for survival if things goes south especially my health. Financially I have nothing, not dime to my name and so I will have to swing it like I have done in the past and that being to simply believe in myself and the Good Lord to provide. I can still walk and my health is still not too far off the scale for a seventy five year old and I believe strongly that it is good for me to make this move now as I sense strongly that my relationship with my two children is approaching the point where love and respect for a father is becoming strained and before it is damaged beyond repair I would rather walk away while the going is still good. Oddly enough I do not feel any anger nor regret although a little sad to end our relationship at this point. I will always love and remain a father to all four of my children but i deeply feel that I am not meant to live my old age with any of them without any dire consequences till the day I die. It is my strong commitment and believe in the fact that I love them that I need to leave them to continue my own journey without having to face or answer to any of them. It is my time to depart from this comfort zone that I have been living in being dependent upon their blessings and care.

I have no plan except that as of today I am saying farewell to this phase of my life with the believe that I have done my best to make life as comfortable for  me and my children the past 7-8 years and now it is time to step out of this comfort place and embark upon what lies ahead into the unknown with or without their help or blessings. I have journey to perform and it has yet to come to its final destination, not the way that the I feel it should and most importantly not in the spiritual sense as my soul is still lost in a limbo of weakness and uncertainty, I have yet to write my conclusion to this Blog, one that should end as a victory rather than a defeat as a spiritual seeker for lack of better words to call myself. This entry is my way of saying goodbye to all of my children and perhaps family and friends without sounding too dramatic; simply put I need to do this or die a disappoint. I blame no one especially not my children for they have done much more for me than I could have hoped for a father whose life and past is not what a child would be too proud to share with his or her own children and all I can say is, it is what it is, this is who I am and It is not over yet, I have to bring this journey to its final destination and this journal/Blog to its final conclusion for what it is worth.