I am going through some heavy duty karmic turns as in the last few weeks with and it feels like i am taking a dive in the physical, mental and spiritual sense, it feels like the floor is opening up from beneath you and all the practices and discipline that you think would help you see life through is coming apart. Is it? I have developed skin problem that is reminiscence of something I had when I was a teen ager and which almost drove me insane only now it seems to spread more than just all over my crotch. Yes, I have written of this event in my life somewhere in this Blog, the dark days of my soul and now it is happening again. Then there is the hernia issue that has not been settled, something that sooner or latter will exacerbate into larger issue as i get older. My attempt to get it taken care of in Kuala Terengganu failed because of too many hurdles to overcome and which I could not cope with for one reason or another. Most heavy of all was my fight with my daughter in the wee early morning hours two days ago after sending my son off to Kuala Lumpur at the train station. It was an eye opener for me as a father and an old man who is dependent on his two kids in this life. I will not attempt to justify who is right or wrong and will not dwell into the detail of the matter, however suffice to say that it was something that hurt me very deeply making me realize that the future will be a long and painful one between us if i hang around too long.
Reading the book on DEATH - an inside story by Sadhguru has also woken me up to a few realities that I had not foreseen before on the soul and spiritual dimension; perhaps what is transpiring on the physical level for me at the moment has to do with my engaging in getting to understand better this path toward death and dying that the book is relating to me. Perhaps it is the culmination of all my past experiences and present conditions into a final trajectory towards the end of my life for what it is worth. It is painful both physically and emotionally no doubt and I have the feeling it will not get any better. All I can see thus far is the fact that it is taking my spiritual practice to a higher and more challenging dimension and my ego is taking the beating from it all in which lies the crux of the matter; my ego. Self fulfilling result of the letting of the ego as a practice and not being attached to body and mind as a prerequisite to achieving liberation is taking a manifestation in it negative form; the ego perhaps is putting up a fight! Perhaps this is is what happens when you try to stop getting drunk or getting stoned and stop paying attention to women's ass and seek refuge in the teachings of the Buddhas, the Dharma and the Sanga and surrendering completely in the All Mighty Allah }SWT} body mind and spirit; the negative repercussion can be detrimental to your health. Looking with optimism on the other hand, it is said to better suffer hell on earth than make your reparation in the after life.
Karma sucks!, then you die! The letting o of life is and will never be easy and suicide is off the question not that i have not tried, twice actually in my past and narrowly escaped death a few times and a brush with death is no stranger to me. But death seems to elude me in the final cut, I keep returning to my physiological form on this planet time and again like it or not. Why I keep asking the same question over and over especially upon waking up from a stroke after passing out while driving and finding I had wet my pants and my whole attire was soaked in sweat and my daughter screaming in the passenger seat beside me, Yes i was dead for a few minutes but no I had to return and continued my driving home. In this Blog I had shared a few events of my near death experiences and the one most vivid and painful was the one tha took place in Corte Madeira, Marin County, California where i had a 'pleurisy' attack according to the physician who used a six inch needle to suck out fluid that had build around my lung due to a Yoga practice accident. As the devil is in the details I will leave it up to those curious or interested enough to look it up on what had happened on the New Year's Eve of 1983?
In facing death, fear is the key. If you can let go of fear, that panic feeling that cause you to loose control of your mind, if you could return as calmly to your breathing even in the midst of utmost pain, you can return from the final disembodiment of your physical life; death. No matter what your Sadhana or practice may be in this life, if and when you stop breathing, the game is over for you. And yet how we take breathing for granted and often are not even conscious that we are breathing except when an occasional sigh or sneeze or being surprised out of our socks by someone and when your utter, "let me catch my breath." As I grow older and less wiser i am constantly catching my breath wondering if I will ever catch up to it eventually or will it leave me in the lurk with death catching up to me. Yoga in India and Tai Chi and Zen in China, these two ancient schools expounds Breath control as the primary goal towards getting our act together. No matter what we do breath! You breath in and you breath out and herein lies the secret to life itself, that only when you stop breathing does it all ends for you in this realm and you become one within and without. Your breath is the bridge between you and The Supreme it is said that The Lord, The Creator of Life blew His breath Prana or life force into you and lit the Divine Spark as your energy source.
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