How to Die Accorsingly.

For the past few weeks i have been subjected to and old physical discomfort which I had related before in this Blog and that being the rash that has appeared to many parts of my body especially in the crotch area. I have been applying Calamine lotion thus far but it is not quite as effective but eases the burning and itching sensation. I feel like I am still working out some ancient twisted karma having to go through this uncomfortable phenomena. However I have come to a point of acceptance of this discomfort and have surrendered to the higher consciousness of my self nature making it more endurable and even to some extent a rewarding experience as it affects my egoic self. The sense of being subjected to this most decadent pain and suffering in the physical form has become more of a lesson for me to appreciate what karmic consequences are how by the very fact of acceptance has made it much less of an irritation and somewhat more of a lesson to learn from. Getting to know oneself one's own fragility through these aggravation of physical itch and pains like the toothache that i am also experiencing seems to turn pain into pleasure. The migraine headache, the toothache, the itch and burning sensation that the body is going through bring a sense of humbleness to my sense of presence and by their very presence makes being in the here and now more pronounced and vivid.

It is not that I am becoming masochistic or obsessed, hope not, however i do feel much less disturbed by them like when i suffered the same rash when I was thirteen and at one point shook my fist at God for making it so. In those years the pointing of the middle finger was not a fad yet, so I shook my fist at the sky and uttered the unutterable fu word while crying my heart out in the darkness while sitting on the steps of mt home in Batu Buruk, Kuala Terengganu. I wrote about his too in this Blog and so I will not into the details of it here, even if the devil was truly in the details in this case. Now perhaps having aged and wizened a bit i am able to look at these minor irks with greater and more clearer perspective and if it does not hone through I remind myself that it could be worse, I could be in the Gaza Strip having these ailments. At least I now know not to seek blame from the external like I did in the past but in myself, I am the cause of my ailments and none to blame. I find myself not too proud to seek advice and help from my closest friends like Ben Ronjen who was at one a registered nurse in Australia. if there is any blame to be targeted at I place it on my karmic consequences, my own doing perhaps in my past indulgences or even now. 

This skin irritation issue is beginning to get to me as i find myself unable to sleep well and sometimes even to think well, it is like I am headed for a major depression if nothing changes or things gets worse. I am now up in this wee hours of the morning not because of some spiritual calling as many a mystic would have me believe but simply due to pain and discomfort. I keep trying to justify it all away as yet another of the Divine test of my spiritual perseverance, or my ego's upping the stakes towards keeping a good grip on the is running the show, however the constant itch and irritation is beginning to have a toll on me. Not trying to be overly dramatic, this is turning into one of those 'dark night of the soul' for me or so it seems. Perhaps reading a book about Death by a Hindu Mystic is having an effect on my psyche, getting me primed up for the real final trip to the end of the road. No matter I intend to stick to my schedule, my Sadhana, my practice and take this as yet another stumbling block if not another karmic aberration to be sliced off from my consciousness, in the spirit of letting go; how else can I die.