The Pain In Us.- Ganja- use and abuse.

 Why I need to smoke ganja, or marijuana, why or how I use ganja as my healing plant and refuse to be accused of as a drug abuser to anyone in my family or friends; I have used and abused ganja in my days. I am an addict to smoking, cigarettes and ganja. I used to be addicted to alcohol and women too and perhaps still am, but for old age and feeble mind. I was exposed to the ganja smoke since i was four years old where as children we used to hang around the adults who smoked ganja like the Rasta Man and they would blow the smoke into our faces hoping to drive us off; I grew up as a child with a daily dose of second hand ganja smoke from members of the Baharol Alam Football Club of Sungai Pinang. This was way back when the present6 club building has been upgraded three times since. I have always a very creative mind and perhaps no small thanks to ganja smoke. Off and on I smoked and while in the United States ganja had helped to keep me alive on many challenging times as much as it got me into shit happens situation. I am an addict and no justification about it but the truth as much as it hurts is much more healing than all the words of the wise ancient and modern man can tell. I admit to myself that I walk most of my life with crutches and crushes. I created karma as the Buddhist say, in order to destroy karma. This is my admission to myself and the rest of of humanity...I am no perfect man.

During one of the one on one talks with my Zen Teacher Paul Discoe, I told him about my addiction to ganja and all he said was," Smoking dope is like drinking tea try not to make it any stronger or weaker, relax and enjoy." I knew he was not encouraging me but I also knew that he was honest and truthful in accepting my weaknesses and that I will have to work it out, that was why I was there at Green Gulch Zen Center. One of the best place I ever got high was the time I spent as a student at Green Gulch Farm/Zen Community; most of my Dharma Brothers like to take evening walks right after Zazen. With the sun setting into the Pacific and the stars lighting up over Mt. Tamalpais, a slow walk up to Hope Cottage was always a gift for the soul. Yes a heightened feeling of euphoria envelops ones after a smoke, sometimes intense and destructive and sometimes a sense of peace and tranquility takes hold and you just stand back and become the observer or under more extreme circumstances, influenced by positive or negative environment and circumstances, one drift into a moment of clarity/distortion depending. Some uses Marijuana as an escape from pain and suffering, even if it was for the duration of the "High time.' Thus they create Karma in order to overcome karma, most of us move around with crutches of one form or another, we hide it well, most of us.

How does one step out of this vicious circle of using and abusing? I would like to get a little spiritual  whatever that mans, in answering the question even to myself, especially to myself. I believe for most of my life that I am an Eclectic, I pick and choose the best from the Best of life's experiences and the natural phenomena of the Universe,{The Nirmanakaya}, this realm of existence is an Illusion, Not Real, simply a temporary phase towards liberation; by the very fact that it is not permanent as nothing is, it is Unreal. I live this grand Illusion, I am trapped into this cycle of Life, Birth and Death -Rebirth. The vicious circle some calls it, where life is suffering, being born is suffering, growing old is suffering death and the fear of, is the ultimate suffering. Life is a Play, Lila or Layla as the Hindus would tell you, the Gods and Deities loves to play, it is a game where the soul is the pawn in the game. Allah or God call it by whatever Name, is , the Judge, the Jury and the Executioner at the end of the game, at least this is some believe. I stand close to this position of understanding my life thus far, I am still drifting along looking for answers for lack of getter things to do. Truth shall set you free it is said, the freedom from your mind that is addicted to the dual thinking mind, the mind that likes to see right and wrong good and bad, light and darkness; this is the Truth, the addiction to thinking is is a neurosis that everyman suffers from. Ganja helps me to slowdown my thought processes, my mental diarrhea, the chattering and analyzing, the discontent and fears, the far- out imaginations, dreams and fears; my mind is hectic when it comes to thinking. Meditation, Yoga and the rest of them are much better choices in the long run no doubt, but some are mentally weaker than others, not everyone is mentally much less spiritually equipped from birth to cope with this game we call life. 

To step out of this vicious circle I need to let go of all preconditioned notions I have about what life is or how i come to be here or why. I have to stay focus on understanding, Right Understanding is the Buddha's first of the Eighth Fold Path towards self discovery, the road to self healing and liberation in the end from Samsara or suffering. Right Understanding of the True Nature of this realm of Existence, and finding what is your Dharma position as you manifest yourself in it. Someone taps your shoulder and whisper, "You are God!," what do you do? Before you can utter your answer he slaps you hard and brings you to the here and now, how would you react? This is the mind we have, capable of conjuring anything and every case scenario there ever is, was and yet to come. People become addicts in order to escape from the tedium of life at work, at home at temple or mosque; now the major addiction is to hand phones. Even natural sex has taken the back stage. Yes, mine I have narrowed down to a few and I am making every effort to live with it without too much browbeating and blaming much less justifying and I do not recommend to anyone to start smoking ganja for no reason unless you are cruising for a bruising. As my eldest son Nazri Bahari once wrote in his high school essay competition...addiction to drugs is, "The Pain in us."{The title of his essay.}