To become a Buddha in this lifetime.

Why do I do it or why am i doing it still? This self enquiry, self discovery, this effort to answer an age old question that man has been asking himself to no avail; what's the deal here? Have i not wasted so many hours of my time even writing it all down almost daily over the years; why? Have i gained anything out of it? have i made any significant amount of money off of it? Have I made more friends or touched the lives of many significantly through laying it all out in this manner? Perhaps it has become an addiction like most of what i have decided to undertake for myself in the past, I like to drag shit all the way to the end of time and this has been my habitual way. The question of why I am doing it was raised in my meditation at dawn this morning and I decided to let the mind dwell on the answer all out by going through all my old files and antique closets where ancient skeletons still drag their chains along the floor boards demanding release.

The call for the morning prayer came loud and clear from the nearby State Mosque but i did not answer, instead I continued to sit on my bed and dealt with my issues, God has no problem and as far as I am concern God will always reside in my heart and I have  faith in His infinite Grace and Compassion at the end of the day. Praying would only add on to my already convoluted sense of guilt and would raise more questions than answers. I imagine God laughing away at all my ignorance and I take it as a cop out to take refuge in prayer, an escape from having to find out the truth for myself. I had it in my mind that by the time I am called back to my Maker I would have most of the questions i have been grappling with answered and resolved, that i would have lightened myself of my loads of baggage; that i would be en-lightened. Further more had I prayed i would have gone back to sleep immediately after, which i usually do as in the past, taking for granted that God will handle my case; it's how my mind works, unfortunately.

Call it stubbornness, egotistical or call simply dumb and ignorant, but I am bound and determined to see this so call experiment with my life through to the end and for whatever it is worth I hope to be able to keep on my entries as things happens. Its tedious, it often is boring and senseless, but it is my way of keeping a record of my progress or regress as the case may be. I have often said to myself in the past that i would like to fully understand why i was alive in the first place before I die and this I hope will become a reality. I'd hate to think that all my effort had been in vain amounting to nothing and that i would depart this life blind as when i had arrived. What is you heartmost desire i have often been asked and my answer is always to become awakened if not enlightened in this lifetime such that I am able to share the experience with the world like the Buddha did. It is a tall order to be expecting but what else could be a higher goal than to fully come to a realization who you truly are in the course of a lifetime? If you fall short, well, get up and continuing walking what else is there to do? The path the leads to liberation of the spirit is no ordinary path; it is like walking out of a prison you yourself have erected.