Why/ What for? All this.

I am a student of Vedanta with Swami Sarvapriyananda for the last few weeks or so but i have read of Vedanta philosophy way back in my college days. I was and has always been fascinated by the Vedanta teachings and one of the two books that accompanied me to Alaska in the early eighties was a book by Swami Vivekananda if I am not mistaken on Raja Yoga, the other was a book about G.I.Gurdjieff called the Death of Gurdjieff on the foothills of Georgia. I always had interpreted Vedanta to be. The end of Knowledge, where i got that from I cannot recall, but it seemed to me tha Vedanta was aid to be the wrap up of all there is to know about the 'self' with the understanding that, "Tat tvam Asi," Thou Art That.

Tat Tvam Asi (Devanagari: तत्त्वमसि), a Sanskrit phrase, translated variously as "Thou art that," (That thou art, That art thou, You are that, or That you are, or You're it) is one of the Mahāvākyas (Grand Pronouncements) in Vedantic Sanatana Dharma. 

I realized then that all my spiritual search had been the connecting of the dots of religions and philosophies of humanity throughout the ages and it had led to many a blind alley and superhighways. If i were to clock my time and mileage, by now i would have reached heaven or joined Shakyamuni as a Buddha. In actuality I have gotten nowhere but still hanging in limbo as to being awakened or enlightened, at least this is how i often felt of late. This is to be expected as i have time and again found out throughout my self discovering years, it is never permanent, whatever it is; it is as elusive as illusion itself. Admitting myself to be Brahman or God is not a problem in itself, it is the act of being a God that eludes me. My consciousness as i have come to understand it does not allow for me to become all embracing and encompassing especially when i find myself in the midst of a chaotic situation; called life. My human nature takes ahold on me like a boa constrictor choking my ver life the more i struggle to be free the worse it gets. Anger, greed, envy and pride to name a few is still festering my mind and emotional state, often arising at the slightest trigger; someone or something presses the wrong button and Boom! I am back to square one.