Rambling on.about death and dying...

All that has transpired in my life has thus far been simply grist for the mill, as the saying goes.I am presently sitting and witnessing my past experiences good and bad like thy are karmic displays of things that could have been, should have been and led to become. I am like a cork bouncing on and off the surface of the waves with directions unknown. This has been, or so it seems,how my life is playing itself out, I have become a witness to my own mini series; it is becoming a tedium. The repetition and  irrelevancies of each episode as they replay has become like a broken record with its
needle that is stuck in it's groove and beginning to wear out into a deep rut, and how often have i moaned and groaned like this in the past? The question is how to wrench myself free from this clutch of  stagnation and decadence, how do i get out of this cage I have allowed myself in.  

I keep justifying myself that I am here for my daughter's sake, that she can feel safe and supported while she is going through her career changes and the uncertainties of her future. It is partly the truth as I have promised her and myself that I would be behind her all the way, to be present on hand for her in her times of need as much as in mine. I have always fancied living in an apartment in this country wondering what it would be like and now for the past year and a half I am doing just that  I am living in a Penthouse with a cat, half wild and with a mind of her own. It is not too bad if i can keep myself occupied creative and productively and if i can learn to take on being in the present moment without going ga ga. This is part of growing old I suppose, relinquishing my youthful thirst for more and better. Making sense out of what is not and giving up what cannot be, I am witnessing life with closer details of what is right and what is not; my karmic consequences.

"We straggle behind our years, hugging our childhood as if we could not tear ourselves away. We stop the hands of the clock and imagine that time will stand still. When after some delay we finally reach the summit, there  again, psychologically we settle down to rest, and although we can see ourselves sliding down the other side, we cling, if only with backward glances, to the peak once attained."- C.Jung.

Serves him right! I can hear many of my relatives and friends whispering behind my back and rightfully so as i have squandered my youth along a path that had caused much sorrow and pain to others. Throughout my adult life I have been carrying on my back the feeling of guilt and despondent often leading me into depression and hopelessness. Yet I know it is all my own mind laying it's negative vibes sometimes very subtly upon my consciousness putting me to sleep mentally and physically and to be haunted by nightmares and delusions that are not really there. My mind is my own enemy and often times I am its victim making me feel vulnerable towards self delusion, paranoid, low self esteem and various other inequities. It is my own ignorance that has led me down this path and to overcome this deficiency in character I have tried every form of remedy, some work and most don't.  

I have more than often kept telling myself that i would like to grow old like and elegant beggar and perhaps my wish is being fulfilled and I just do not know how to handle it well. I still cling to my past and keep feeding the hungry ghosts that keeps my mind occupied with the garbage I had accumulated over the years. The realization of having to let go is not enough, I just have to do it, I have become more serious about what my intentions are and keep to the discipline of purifying my thoughts and consciousness no matter how tedious it may be. All my study and practices of self discipline would amount to nothing if I do not put them into action in my daily life. I owe it to myself to become the perfect human being before I meet my Maker, otherwise life has been a waste of time. It may seem like i moan and groan allot, but it is not for nothing, it is my way of  letting go, my way of reflection, my way of conciliation. In writing down my thoughts I am healing my self while also sharing the process with other who takes the trouble to read.