As i browsed the You Tube on spiritual, consciousness and neorsciece dealing with the brain functions and so forth, I realized how my mind is lost in boredom looking for an escape to spend its time on. Mooji, SadGuru, TED Talks and a host of other videos pops up and i listened to this and that in parts as each seemed like a repeatition of what I have listened to before. What exactly is my mind looking for? What am I looking for? Why can't i just listen to some good music where i don't have to think much about and worse why don't I just watch a movie or some funny videos to waste my time away? Am I wasting my time away? What am i suppose to do that is other than what i am doing now? I am not disciplined in managing my time someone said and I asked what exactly is this so called time management?
If I am being employed, paid for my time, I understand that i hve the need to mnage my time to ensure a maximum productivity in the use of my time. If i am not on anyone else's clock why do i need to manage my time? Other than doing what needs to be done to a responsibility, or fulfill an obligation, I have to time to manage, I would rather sleep and dream some off the wall dreams than force myself to make plans in doing what I really have no desire or intention of going out of my way to do it just to justify the fact that I am being productive; I would rather be doing nothing in particular. Call it being lazy, or unproductive or even being irresponsible as a human being, I find that when I do nothing more things happen than when I force myself to 'do something'. As Sadguru keeps rambling on and on about turning a banana into a human being and Mooji Baba keeps telling me not to do this or that in order to be, I am still here wondering what it is all about at the end of the day.
The question still remains like a broken record, who or what am I? I am not the body, this i accept, I am not the mind, this too i accept, what remains? Who am I? This is my Zen Koan or mondo as it is called in the Zen Buddhist tradition. This seemingly simple question has burned a hole in my brain over the years, it has kept me awake at night and haunted me in my darkest moments. I found answers here and there through religions and philosophies, through readings and listening to talks given by great minds, but as soon as it is over I am back to the same question. Every notion I came across as explained by others are just like water poured over a lotus leaf. Yes i realize that this too is my mind's game of 'wasting time'. but how does one not waste time? What is the criteria that says my time is not wasted? Am I wasting my time making this entry in my Blog? What good am I expecting to get from doing this day in day out till it becomes like an addiction?
Come on mind! Why the hesitation? Yes. i hesitated to find the right answer or even the words to say what is in my mind. Is my mind really making this self enquiry? Or am i whatever the I is, is doing it? Hesitate. Am I having a mental delusion from making something out of nothing, am i playing mind games with myself? Is this being creative/ Productive? A good justification to call myself a human being, a thinking animal that is crying out that I deserve to be here just like everyone else? Yes, it is a mental diarrhoea, a juggling of random thoughts to make sense out of non- sense; a waste of time? Should i quote Descarte, " I think, therefor I am"? or should i quote the Upanishads " I Am Atma-Brahman" or the Jewish God, "I Am That, I Am"? Again like a well worn broken record I am back to same delusional state of running in circles chasing my tail. Someone suggested that i should go to India like everyone else with the same delusional mind and sit at the feet of a Guru till I find out who I truly am! How can another person tell me who I am?
The Buddha spent a long time seeking for the answer and in the end is convinced that the self does not exist. Science has proven that even the physical body does not really exist and philosophers have throughout the ages argued this issue inside out and still are not convinced if they are right or wrong. In this realm of existence I am as real as i can get and what i do with myself whether I am wasting my time or otherwise is all i have till I wither away mentally and physically and die. In the meantime I have made my entry and fulfilled my obligation to myself of keeping and ongoing rambling as a means of juggling my mind when it gets too restless or bored.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment