Still trying to make sense out of non-sense.

Not everything has been said and done for so long as the human mind is capable of creating thoughts and ideas, look at You Tube! What do you wish to learn? Yoga? Meditation. Tai Chi, Karate, how to play the Scottish bagpipe? You name it it is out there readily available, All it takes is your personal desire to learn to understand and to experiment, do it long enough you become a master. But if your choice of excitement is watching what others do rather than do it yourself then there is not much can be said. The key is at your finger tips, don't waste a great opportunity of a lifetime, seek and ye shall find...ask and ye shall be given. the scriptures tells us. As one who seeks redemption for past wrongs, I use my time on the computer trying to make sense out of non-sense, see the true path from the roadside attractions; I share my way seeking mind with all those who tread similar path towards self discovery,

I hope to leave behind a legacy that i did not waste this life, living in vain with not thing to show for that would benefit the whole. So in this small way of Blogging I have set out to take a look at life and myself through writing down my thoughts. I have ploughed through this writing process without the benefit of a writing course or a teacher, I developed it over the years by simply writing. I have no preconceived idea of what i was going to write about, it simply happens as soon as i laid down my first sentence. The rest is a matter of patience and dedication towards writing a piece worth writing for those who takes the trouble to read. My total entry in this Bloge has now arrived at almost 2000 entries since 2005, yes, it is a long story trying to learn about who you truly are and it is not over Yet!

"There is a wordless voice, listen to it!"...Rumi.

"What is the sound of one hand clapping?"...a Zen Koan.

Be quiet for five minutes! Just five minutes!

Allow the Universe to express itself through you.

You are but a channel through which the sound of the Universe hears itself, just like  the Lord krishna's Flute, let the breath of the Divine makes its sound be heard.

I write to listen to my own mind chattering and turn chattering into a rambling and from rambling into a study of life itself. It is like the dance of the Sufi Dervish or the  Wu li masters, I juggle my thoughts into place in the effort of making sense out of non-sense.    

Penang Art District -Survey for Galleries.

I attended a gathering of the Penang Planning committee for the Penang Art District - Survey fro Galleries also attended by many local artists and gallery owners who has a stake in this project. Met a few good friends and fellow artists, has been more than three years now since i decided to take a step back from the Penang Art Scene. One of them has even become a Dato' and well deserved I might add. The meeting was organized by Y.B> Tony Puah and Mr. Lee Khai, whose invitation I made the effort to attend.
We were handed a questionnaire to be filled with our input on the matter. I am writing this Blog entry in reply to the last question -Additional notes and comments.
Firstly I think it is a very welcome move to create such a facility catered to the Arts; Noble. My gratitude towards both these gentlemen for spearheading this mega task. The Community owes a debt of gratitude to them considering the amount of works it would take for them while doing their own personal vocations.
Secondly, The location is also great except my concern is parking.
Last but not least is my personal feelings about the whole matter from the perspective of a Penang born, Malay artist who has spent over 21 years in the United States and 3 years in Japan as an artist and a parent. I would like to say that i am a member of the Pelukis Melayu PP, but this would b a lie as such and entity has never existed since "I became a member ', This is not right and i hope it is looked into so that a proper measure is taken to reestablish this society. The details i leave it up to you to look into but in a way i am asking foor your help to look into the matter as it concerns what should be a Malay group of Penang Artist to have platform to speak and take action from, just like the Chinese.
What has this to do with the project? Look into the future, down the road, use your imagination. There's a building belonging tp whoever on Hutton Lane sitting like a lonesome cowboy with no action. get this building to become the Malay Art Gallery and club. Give credit to the opposition, make them foot the bill whatever it cost. If you can help to make this happen for the unfortunate and lsot Malaly Artists in Penang; it is a out of moral 'political if not racial conscience, that we need to do this to get the Malays on board; tther simply is no Malay Art Organization known as Pelukis2 Melayu Pulau Pinang.
I realize money talks bulshit walks, however I am an artist and I assume I  think like one, it is my concern that the competitive economic side of Art has become a a drive towards success here; who works sells the most, or whose gallery offers the best service and the lowest rental cost - that is being professional and credible to the trade- this economic force if not checked will not only choke creativity but also rifts between those who can and those who cannot. If we are looking for quality than this needs to be looked into, why? how? to find the balance, the middle route. For the State Govt. this should be turned into a social study; how to attain a high quality society like Japan or Korea or Singapore. The original intention of creating this complex is to serve the community not chase after profits I assume. It is a noble intention from the spiritual and social point of view, if this intention gets railroaded down the road it would only be because of forgetting this intention. No doubt fame and fortune will follow in abundance if the original intention is adhered to.
Art to me is an expression of the human spirit and as such must be kept as pure,; Pure Arts. Art is the creative force that helps to mould the human mind towards being creative rather than destructive and at the same time it helps to decorate and cheer up the rest of the community while going about their daily lives; without artistic expressions a society is dead. The sense of awe and beauty gradually is eroded from the minds of the people. A piece of Art, an Artist or a group of Artists. sitting in a street corner sketching, is healing sight, it is like a subliminal sign that says slowdown, look, see; that the creative spirit is alive. 
Art records history without any bias as far as what the eyes can see, hence the need to preserve art for posterity. In a multi racial country Art through time becomes a catalyst that binds all cultures into a New Collective  Consciousness of mixed expressions in unity. No where in the world is the Malay more Malay, the Chinese more Chinese and the Indians more themselves than in Penang. The need to promote each cultural heritage has become a state pride instead of taking on new forms and identities suitable for a complete whole as a society; I am a Malaysian, my culture is and so is my heart and soul.  Steering the Art community towards creating the new from the old will help raise consciousness of Unity from diversity; the merging of difference. 
There are Creators- Preservers and Destroyers in any given society, each will play his role accordingly; it is our duty to ourselves to become one of the creators. It is the function of the Galleries and Museums to preserve and at the end of the day destruction does not take place, I lost many of my artworks through neglect, manhandling and just lack of respect and even theft in the past and this has been one of the reasons I just simply am not in the mood to be creative. Being a professional and lifelong artist is blessing as well as hell. Artist are among the poorest sods and comes close to being looked at as an unemployed bum; most if not all have their regular jobs to make ends meet. Art materials and other related accessories such as framing and having shows is next to impossible for most.  Art patrons are a rare specie these days as the economic crunch hits all. I consider myself a creator of Art, the galleries and museums the preserver of my works and not destroyers as I have experienced in the past after returning home. 
Then again Katsushika Hokusai died a pauper and look at where his works is today and how much they cost each. It is said that a man creates his best when under pressure but he also is most creative when his needs are met without making him feel needy. A true artist is one who lives life as one no matter the circumstances. He is true to his innate nature  and of being true to himself. He does not pander his self esteem does he advertise his ego; he is a man who look deeper within than most men. To be original is to be able to evoke from deep within whats is expressed without. He is self entertaining as he is able to allow his mind to explore all aspects of what creativity is. Being an artist is an Art in and of itself.  

Dwelling in the past - Sitting on the Docks of the Bay.

Mr. Odell Edwards was one of my fellow employee who a very gentle and soft spoken black man.He was always smartly dressed and a very diligent worker who seldom complained. Odell was there when I had problem handling the African Americans working under my supervision. I got to know their mentality better after having many talks with Odell while we worked together.

The Chief -Tim Mosquida was of my mentors who set me straight when I needed to be so. He was a Navajo Tribal Elder who left the reservation to settle down in the San Francisco Bay Area. He was also one of the Old Timers who were among the fist few to set up the H&H Ship Service company on the China Basin water front which is not far from the Fisherman's Wharf and the Bay Bridge. Tim was my ;God father and treated me like shit, as it was his way of liking me. He had hearing problem and shouted when he spoke. 

I did this sketch  of a cargo ship anchored at one of the piers on the San francisco water front while i was working as a Yard Supervisor for a ship servicing and  environmental services located on China basin. H&H Ship. Services is no more in existence now as the whole China basin area is now being transformed into The Giants baseball stadium. 

Sometimes during my lunch time i would sit and sketch this river scene  which is located not too far from the Third Street Lefty O'doul Draw Bridge to my left. To my right I spent over six years working at this site and had many unforgettable moments of my life of which I have written often
 in this Blog over the years.


  

Ya, more reflection on what if and what could have been.

Yes, we are indeed victims of our own making and not having a thorough understanding of the workings of our mind conscious, subconscious and even the unconconscious has put us here in this prison of the physical form. Our insatiable cravings and yearnings, looking for more and better ways, our need to outdo the next guy and gauge our success by how much we have accomplished and accumulated materially has gone way beyond our need for survival. We are blinded by our own ignorance of what is real and everlasting for what is ephemeral and fleeting, For as long as we can live our lives in comfort and affluence, we fell a false sense of contentment and having lived this so called successful life we hand it down to our children making their lives too just as miserable as ours, filled with expectations hopes and reams. But, this is okay too for as long as we realize our life is just a passing phase in time and space.
I had the opportunity to live for almost a year in Dubai where my son is a pilot with the Emirates Airline. He rented a villa in the area known as Falcon City  about half an hour drive from the City center of Dubai. Thanks to my son I had tasted the life of the affluent where Iwas even taken to dinner at the Atlantis Hotel located at the ver tip of the Palm Village. I think it was the most expensive dinner I ever had and will ever experience in my life. A Plate Sushi that had about 20 pieces of regular sushi like salmon rolls and squids, with afew pieces of tiney oysters, came to about RM700!1 I almost flipped when i saw the bill and that was only the Sushi order tha by any japanese standards was way below expectation and i lived in Japan for three years and a sushi lover. On his liquor run for the Christmas and New Year part, y he had to drive a short distance out of the Dubai Area to a smaller township where a huge liquor barn was located. After loading his SUV with all the assorted liquors, I took a glace at the bill and it my jaws dropped, a whopping RM6000 . The Dirham is pretty much the same as the Malaysian Ringgit, sometimes a little more and sometimes less depending. 
My son who is now a Captain has a good head for living and knows how to keep himself and his friends entertained. He converted a very large room in the villa into a movie theater better than most  found ni Malaysia  at least in a private home. He had a 300 gallon large salt water fish tank that was maintained by a professional fish shop in town on call at anytime in case of emergency. Being a Ice Hockey goal keeper for one of the Emirates team his storage room was full of sports equipments including scuba diving gears and so forth. Indeed I was most impressed with his lifestyle  to mention the lovely ladies, the pick of the Emirates stewardesses that came over to spend the evening with him. Like all good fathers I was stumped sometimes by the opulence of it all but kept my caution all to myself . Then he got married and it was the end of my Arabian dream. However I am thankful for having had the taste f life that not too many can boast of even if it was for a short period of time.
I do not crave for such  extravagant lifestyle and am not to keen into travelling the world either, too much hassle at the airports and feeling like a hobo in a shopping mall at times makes me feel like I was living in a fantasy world and Dubai can do that to one. Yet it is an amazement to see the city built in the desert over sand dunes and drinking and swimming in water that was desalinated from sea water. One can easily got lost into this lifestyle and forget about the real world where life is a struggle to survive for most and a liquor run worth RM6000 cold mean a three month salary pay for many living in my country. Like a sand castle Dubai is the epitome of living in a life of make believe for many who have, my son perhaps was just an average compared to many living there.
When I reflect upon the life I had been expose to in Dubai I came to a realization that, yes. nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it and my son is testimony to this as one who reached out and grabbed what he felt was worth reaching for. In essence he has made this old man very proud in many ways. Perhaps it is my aging process that has dulled my senses of adventure and longing for the more opulent and extravagant, I do not envy nor do i judge but I feel that for me enough is enough and to crave for more is purely greed. I now stay ahcored in taking good care of my two children here who are now embarking on their adult life with work and making ends meet. If in any some small way I could be of assistance to them I am more than happy to accommodate to their needs as i am sure by being in need of their care as a father is also a means of providing them with a sense of responsibility and pride tht they are fulfilling a filial commitment. Yes i would much rather live as a farmer out there at the edge of the jungle in Lintang, Kedah, but one cannot have it all especially if one's intention is to serve those who needs one's presence.

Just being quiet for five minutes

Be quiet for minutes.

Be quiet for five minutes, just be quiet for five minutes...keep telling your mind this even as you breath in nd breath out and no matter what happens just keep telling your mind this... meditate on this. This is your mantra to keep repeating to your mind to ..be quiet for five minutes...listen to Kitaro's Matsuri still reminding your mind to be quiet for five minutes. the body wants to sway with the rhythm of the drums and the flute... be quiet for five minutes... fingers keeps on dancing on the keyboard...still be quiet for five minutes...and on and on...ad infinitum, This lesson I learned this evening while ding my exercises by the fisherman's jetty off Jelutong Highway sometime at ten thirty. I alway stood off the end of the jetty and give my submission to the Universe and worshipped my Lord while performing my routine of in and out breathing in the Yogic way. I do this facing all four directions, salutations to the Universe and simply chilling out sitting and watching the colrful reflections of  city lights in the water.
Just be quiet for fives minutes... breathing in and breathing out, no attachments to thoughts nor to any external distractions, no judgements and no instructions, just be quiet for five minutes ...five more minutes...
I dare anyone to carry this 'Koan' within himself till it burns itself out. This simple 'Mantra' that seeks to bring the wandering mind to a standstill, it is a subtle form of death as the mind or the ego is being silenced by this Mantra that is not hard for anyone to understand. Be quiet for five minutes, say it and mean it in your heart. It comes from your heart saying to be quiet for five minutes, Even when taking a cigarette break and going for your walking meditation outside...the voice within is still re[eating the same koan, the same mantra, the same intention. Be quiet for five minutes and we listen to Hans Zimmer 'Pandora' music. Awesome composition of soothing sounds carrying your soul to higher limits of the senses.  
Be quiet for five minutes while eating a large purple sour grape watching how it wakes up all your taste buds and feel it as it washes down your throat...Pandora keeps you swaying to the gentle rhythm of sound of excellent music...Be quiet for five minutes and let the Universe roll by as you watch by being quiet for five minutes. Grapes makes you fart they say, i cannot tell if this is true or not, I enjoy farting, my health depends on it, a food fart relieves me very much so...yes to be quiet for five minutes one can definitely experience all kinds of new sensations that one took for granted in the past. This is heightened state of consciousness when there is no mind, no observer nor a witness to every move and every action of the body and mind,while Being quiet for five minutes...more. 

Thinking of my late wife -Nancy

Listening to Enigma once more while sitting in meditation for a few minutes.before i decide whether to write or not to write, make this entry or simply spend another beautiful in quietude with my daughter being home, her off day. Then i decided, hell, this what I love to do, Like many i love to tell my story, the has no beginning nor and ending, it is on going and ever accumulating and letting go of. This my drama my  open secret of who I am; I too love to share my story..."I look inside my heart, I look inside my soul...to the rivers of belief... " Enigma. 
And this too will pass...I am sitting and being a witness to the sound of music and  the movement of my fingers as they dance upon the keyboard of this lap top! What more does one need to be entertained in life? Attend to the details and fulfill every obligations for the moment, cook the 'brunch' for my daughter and I and sat and ate outside overlooking the Race Course and the Hill surrounding the Batu Gantung Area . From where I sat eating I could see the skyline of the Gurney Drive area from the tall building. It is exceptionally beautiful day and got my linens washed and now I am still watching my fingers dancing as they express my insatiable thinking mind that wants to tell it as it is.
 "That's why we are here...!" Enigma. 
Switched to "Vangelis Gold" on You Tube. Stepped out for a cigarette while walking up and down the balcony viewing the scenery around as far as the eyes can see. My walking exercise, my 'Kinhin' as the Zen Buddhist school calls it. I swing my arms in a TaiChi motion with moves that I have developed over time. This helps to open the chest cavities and strengthen the lungs it is like doing the dance of the Wu Li Masters. Who were the Wu Li Masters? Google it, you might learn something new and exciting. I hope to hear from Gary Zukav or Al Huang on what they think of the Cern -LHC project. It is past the 23rd already and no demons out yet from the other dimension as foretold by many a religious groups and conspiracy theorists. What is going on at the Cern-complex! Are they all still there or have they all disappeared into the worm hole.
If you are with me on this then you would know by now that great things are happening in my life which are perhaps not too great if looked upon from a different angle. Careful what you wish for they say, and I wished for a little peace and quiet to do what I love best and that is ding nothing in particular. I have my Face Book under my name -Shamsul Bahari and I keep it pretty much alive just like the Blog; what else is there to do except to do it right and enjoy doing it; boredom can kill you. I uploaded some old pictures of my late wife on to my FB and got y bemanyautiful responses from hers and my friends all over the world. As for me the American saying about the wife is true, " You can't live with her and you can't live without her>" We gave each other two beautiful children and this kept us on track as to who we were to our kids and who we have become today. We gave them the best any parent can give; she spoilt them! As children they had her wrapped around their fingers especially when I was not around. 
My wife passed away in 2008 and was buried in Southern Illinois on the banks of the Mississippi, at St. Lois. I was not able to be there when she was buried and  before then when she spent almost four years at a nursing home. It was either be there or raise my two kids through school. I love my wife but I love my children more and that is the way we agreed, that I took care of the kids. It was way beyond my means to do both with no help from any family or friends. These were my trying years and I had to deal with the situation by making the choices that favors logic and sense than catering to my emotional attachments to my wife. I think she was very happy to have had spent at least twelve years of her adult life raising two children of her own. I was not a perfect husband but i did my best to be a good one.

Still chopping wood and carrying water.

If one is truly committed to life then nothing should escape one's perceptions of body and mind experience. One has to trust one's innate ability to capture each and every scene, colors sounds taste and smell; that can only happen in the Now. It can only happen if and when the chattering mind becomes quiet and the end of thoughts allows for a window to open in the subconscious mind and out comes an answer, a riddle , a doubt, an insight, a prophecy, a revelation, from within. To be full committed means to become that one is practicing. It can happen if one lives life of servitude, of giving, of loving, of compassion, towards all sentient beings in the six realms, the ten directions, past present and future; understand this if one is truly serious.
Life is only a pathway towards death, my way and your way, but we still have our own ways of getting there. It is a matter of time, of catching up to one's inner potentials as of Divine Creation or even as an Atheist, we exist in balance, the dual thinking mind operates in us all;" right and wrong is still a sickness of your own mind," the Lord Buddha is said to have said. Nirvana is, none who attains it." In right understanding of this lines one catch a glimpse of who you truly are.  wHAT DOES IT MEANS? wHAT HAPPENS IF AND WHEN THIS HAPPENS, (I will the typo error as is call it a slip of the subconscious mind through the fingers. It simply means one is at one with the All, the Universe, the Ultimate unobscured consciousness of just being; nothing special really.
Hence "chop wood carry water before and chop wood and carry water after.," all in the flash of a lightning.If one is truly serious in pursuing this course of action, learn to breath and learn to sit upright, learn to entertain the mental formations and how to bring order amidst disorder, how to recognize the real from the unreal, the permanent from the transitory. Sit and become the object of your observation and make this moment in time to stretch into infinity. If you can make it last three minutes, Lao Tzu said, you can rule the country. After having achieved right understanding of the nature of your physical self and the material world, you start to work right understanding of your mind or mental formations followed by the right understanding of your spiritual or Divine nature or as the Buddhist calls it, Buddha Nature., the Taoist calls it the Tao. or the Way, The Hindus calls it Moksha, and Islam calls it Fana'.
What simply happens is, the self drops, the "I" is no more, it is the merging of the all into one complete and perfect being. If one is serious, one carries this burning ball of fire within till it becomes ashes, this koan or question you have asked of your self, who am I? There is no more one basic a question that demands an answer even if it takes a lifetime to find it. Like the ouroboros I would be repeating myself time and time in trying to remind myself of what it takes embarking upon this journey towards self discovery and self annihilation. After all these years of Blogging I still maintain that one has to begin by 'Sitting'. Zazen or any other yogic forms of meditation.of body mind and spirit. 
     

ABirthday note to my Daughter..

It is exactly half and hour past my daughter's birthday' A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY GIRL! I am very proud of how you have grown into a very beautiful and strong young lady. I Love you! never can tell how fortunate and proud I am having you. 
I feel you will have many rivers to cross and many hills to climb ahead of you, know that you father will through fire for you. I raised you from the palms of my hand your happiness is mine to give for as long as I live.  Live well as your mother would have been very proud of you for who you have become. My Allah bless her soul and rest her in peace among the loved ones of Allah. She loved you and you wrapped around your fingers as any good daughter would do...Hee! Hee! Happy Birthday from both your Parents! 
May Allah protect you always and keep you in his Grace and Blessings. May He guide make it easy  for your journey into the future and may you always remember Him and ask for His Love and His Understanding with infinite Compassion, the Oft. forgiving and the Most Merciful. Yes, your father and mother may not be  born Muslims, but we were converted to Islam; you are a born Muslim, be very proud of it and get to know yourself of who you are and your relationship to Allah(SWT). 
I say to you as i say to all the other three boys that live life like an awakened spirit. Do not be distracted into forgetting your inner nature and who you are, your beauty and strength, your mixed genetic heritage of East and West. Learn to access your minds and unleash all the wisdom of your ancestors that are inherent in you. Read! Practice and with Right Understanding rise above it all and become who you truly are. Like your father and his fathers before him, your mothers and their heritage, discover how to utilize this special gift within you! Awaken! Stay Awake! 
Yes Dad is Blogging again! I can only share what I feel and what i would like all of you to right understanding of who your father is. How his mind functions and what he thinks about most of his days. Yes, your father has turned into a story teller, he is trying to tell his story for posterity. It will soon be 2000 entries that I have made in this Blog and it all have been about me! My Way! My Legacy!
I Love All of you and Happy Birthday, Marissa Bahari from Nurshyamilla Abdullah and Shamsul Bahari on this day of 21st. of Oct. 2017.

  

HAVE A VERY HAPPY DEEPAVALI.

Deepavali is the celebration of the triumph of Light over Darkness, may the whole Universe become enlightened. It is also the triumph of good over evil; may Peace prevail to every corner of humanity within and without. It is a time of renewal of the spiritual energy in the service God and humanity. It is the close of one chapter and the beginning of another in the state of one's body, speech and mind to a higher level of enlightenment. It is the time to renew family and friendship bonds among man, to  forgive and forget, to cherish and uphold Love and Compassion among ourselves and to acknowledge our respect and gratefulness to those who brought us into this world.  
On this blessed day for the Hindus as a child i always looked forward to visiting my grand uncle and his Hindu family with my grandfather. My grand father was converted to Islam when he married my grandmother a very devout Indonesian Muslim. However his yonger brother refused to do so and married and Indian lady and becmae a Hindu. He has four children, two boys and two girls; my aunties and uncles. Because my granduncle married very late in his life only the eldest girl is older than me and I looked forward to playing with them during my  visits. My grand uncle who was known as Martin was a caretaker of the Methodist Boys School his entire life till the day day he died. He was also the grounds keeper for the Mahindrama Buddhist Temple located across the main road from the school. The temple walls and ceiling were paintings, frescos of the life of the Buddha and other Hinayana Buddhist icons. In the 50s I was a Buddhist student studying the Pali canon every weekend until I was sent to terengganu to be converted to Islam at the age of twelve.
Hence the celebration of Deepavali holds warm memories for me as a child. It is also a reminder of who I am as far cultural and family heritage is concern. It is apt the i was born and raised in this multi-racial multi-cultural and multi-religious country,; in my life i have covered all grounds. What was a challenging childhood as far as religious upbringing went, what was a drag where teenage life happened, I survived and lived life pretty much according to my choices, right or wrong only life itself has yet to reveal and God to decide. But suffice to say I have lived to the best or worst of my ability and am able to share wll there is to share with this Blogging. I celebrate the Chinese New Year and the Muslim Eid Mubarak and Eidil Firtri and I celebrate Christmas; these are among my holy days, I feel fortunate indeed. 

A Brief lesson upon getting out of bed.

You can lead the cmel to the water but you cannot make it drink, is an ols adage that is universal in application.  This evening I shared a little of what i try to do every morning before i get off bed which includes sitting meditation focussing on my breath and aligning my body letting go of all the aches and pains of having slept for a few hours. In sitting meditation or as the Japanese Zen school calls it Zazen, one focusses one's attention purely on breathing in and out and counting your breath initially till one is seasoned. This realignment and readjustment of the physical body is accomplished through breathing and being conscious of the flow of one's energy throughout the body. This will also automatically erect the spine which opens up one's chest and collapsing it giving the muscles and bones  gentle work out. All the trapped air and stretched and squeezed muscle the result of our sleeping postures to let go and relax. It also helps the mind to unwind from te night's dreams and at a latter stage even reflect upon and reconcile one's dreams so the mind is clear and ready to take on a new day. All these are achieved through one's breath. 
After half an hour of sitting I would start my stretching exercises, like from the sitting position I would lean over and stretch my lower back as far as it would allow often till my forehead touches the floor in front of me. The i would do the same over my right and left knees, stwist my spine in upright position left nand right and so on. Importantly all these movements are done through breathing in and out accordingly.The i would rise and sit on my toes causing them to stretch mthe soles of my feet  after a few minutes i would sit with my toes stretched out backwards flat or sitting what the japanese call Seza posture. I would lean on my back till my whole body it laying on my lower legs causing my knee muscles to stretch. All these postures are for the alignment of my lower back muscle primarily and it also helps to keep my spinal column flexible and lastly it also massages my stomach muscles and my innards. 
Then I stretch all the way on my tummy and after having adjusted all my muscles all along the spine up to my neck area I would push my self up int a 'cobra posture' if I am nit mistaken as it is known in hatha Yoga or Yoga of the physical form. the rest is followed by flexing my legs and so forth. This is followed by my rolling over on to my back and work on my legs especially the knees and pelvic ball joints. I leave this up to my imagination  as to what i can do while in this position. After having done this i would get out of bed and do my workout standing up in front of the mirror if there is one. I do my Tai Chi breathing techniques which includes deep breathing stretching movement, followed by Chi Gung body shake where the entire body shakes as though one is shaking off all the tightness of the whole form from head to toe and from finger tips to finger tips. This is followed by a slow and rhythmic Tai Chi and Pranayama mode of breathing bringing my body and mind into alignment thus ending my morning workout in  brief.
To wake up and start off the morning with well balanced and calm and clear mind helps to release stress and promote a feeling of well being. This is how one should try to make a habit of, it is the beginning state getting to know who you are at least your physical as well as your mental state. As my body is aging, getting to understand it better through these practices, is for me is good maintenance practice. For the Muslims who do the morning or Subh Prayer this practice will help to better prepare the body and mind in facing The Lord upon waking up, Insha'Allah.   

We are not that great for other alien entities to get to know us.

Here in Malaysia, in the culture and tradition of the ordinary village folks of Muslim Malays and even the Chinese and Indians for that matter, we don't really need astrophysicists to tell us that there are other dimensions out there or that runs parallel to ours. In our belief of the so called mumbo jumbo superstitious ways, we have dealt with the 'aliens' that every now and then would drop by and create a scene called possession. Although it is getting less and less frequent, and understandably so, as no alien being these days would want to enter our screwed up dimension, not if they can help it, we still experience mass hysteria in schools and sightings of strange characters here and there. Throughout history back in the days of our forefathers it was taken for granted that there are those who have the ability to to call upon or pay a visit to these dimensions through the use  of 'magic' as westerners would call it.
I remember having written an essay for an interpersonal communication class at the University of Wisconsin- Green Bay about my initiation into the spiritual realm of the Malay Art of self defence called Silat . The initiation involved the invoking of 'spirit guides' or companions for the purpose of further developing our martial arts ability with extraordinary powers. I told of how I sat on the tiled floor in a small room surrounded by my teachers and fellow students with one of my instructors holding my hand and transmitting through his spiritual connection an entity into my consciousness. I remember all those people tapping the floor with their palms around me as my instructor was doing this and the tapping grew louder and louder as the circle moved in closer and 
closer to me. The it all silence and i find myself sitting in total darkness and i could not even feel the floor beneath me; I was in a void floating. Then I felt a presence like something was entering me from the top of my shoulders and neck area and I was taken possession of. I will not dwell on the details as it would bore you to death but suffice to say that it happened. I had a spirit companion and perhaps still do that helps me in times of dire need or when my life is in jeopardy. Believe it or not, well, what can I say there is not formula or equation to prove this and in the realm of infinite possibilities who is to say what is or what is not.
Off course my professor threw my essay into the garbage bin and accused me of making up the story. How dare i try to insinuate that we in our ignorance could invite or visit another from a parallel dimension. Had he been more insightful and engaged me in a deeper dialogue I might have enlightened him into the mysteries but he was too jaded in his western scientific thinking that he slammed the door in my face, end of story. Yes there are ways and means to penetrate the other dimensions at least those that exist in our realm of existence and every culture has its keys and rituals, procedures to accomplish this. The western minds in its narrow minded ways decides to call it the dark arts and as with most of these occult phenomenon that the western mind has no means of coping wiht the assumption is always negative. Science is now getting closer and closer to meeting up with the 'dark side' a it probes into the uncharted waters of the extraterrestrial. Perhaps what the western scientists hopes to find is an intelligent species of entities that knows how to communicate by using musical tones like in the movie Close Encounter. Scientists perhaps tries to deny the fact that other realms of existence may consist of entities just like us except in appearance, that they too trust and distrust mankind and his ways. They too choose to like or dislike to make our acquaintance, that record has shown that we as a specie are not the best to be left alon to our own demise.
We don't need aliens or satanic demons to destroy us, we are doing a grand job of it ourselves. 

CERN and Murphy's Law.

While the physicists are playing Gods and deities humanity for the most part are oblivious to what is happening at the CERN LHC complex. I asked as many of my friends if they had any idea of what LHC is all or even heard of it, most shook their heads sideways or looked at me like what in heaven's name is he talking about now! Yes most of us as sleep walking through our lives living like termites eating away at everything in our path with nothing else to be concerned about until the building comes down around us. Am I too paranoid over the whole episode? Perhaps I am and what do i know about physics and the workings of the matter and anti-matter or what it all boils down to. Why millions if not billions of dollars are being spent on just to split the atomic particles to an even smaller entities then they already are. Why don't i simply leave it all to the experts and spare the headache that it is causing me just thinking about it all.
The You Tube is loaded with videos of conspiracy theories accusing just about everyone especially the Catholic Church and the Pope himself for one thing or another. However the Muslim world as usual is mum on the matter, not a peep from anyone or country. What is there to say or be worried about after all, historically mankind did try to buld a tower high enough to reach the heavens in order to confront God and according to the scriptures God was not too happy about it and tore it down and scattered its builders to the four winds including depriving them from understanding one another; so much for their collective spirit. Today what is happening is not that much different at least the idea of being able to rival the Creator in creation itself. Recreate the Big Bang and cause another stir in the cosmos or so it seems. Murphy's law says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong well hopefully it is not Sod's law that will be put into motion. If it is God helps us all! What is Sod's law? 

Sod's law is a name for the axiom that "if something can go wrong, it will", with the further addendum, in British culture, borrowed from Finagle's law, that it will happen at "the worst possible time". This may simply be construed, again in British culture, as "hope for the best, expect the worst".^[1

I hope someday I can tell my grandchildren that shit happened and I was there. It was the time when men decided to play God and transcend His style in an upgraded Creation scenario that took only a splitting of a sub atomic particle instead of six days. No doubt it took years of studies and a 27 mile long circular tunnel buried 300 feet below the earth's surface, but, hey we are only human. All it took God was to say "Be, and it Is." All I can say is just,"Let it be!" or in the words of Captain Picard of the Starship Enterprise "Make it so!"

The CERN LHC experiment.

"To boldly go where no man has gone before..." This famous last wordsit of the Star Trek Sci-Fi series is what the CERN Project is all about. As the crew of the Star Ship Enterprise were willing to explore all the uncharted expanses of outer space with their captain James T. Kirk at the helm so does the young minds of the Cern Scientific community are will to take all the necessary and  unnecessary chances to explore the mysteries of the Creation and of the Universe. Yes there are risks involved and any miscalculation can prove catastrophic to the planet itself not as some claim even to the fabric of the Universe itself. What lies beyond the veils of our multi-dimension worlds is any good guess, it could be benevolent or malevolent, then this is what science is all about, to seek out the truth even if the truth hurts.
I am sure millions if not billions of dollars have been poured into the Cern Project and all the projects that are related to it through the years in preparation for its final goal whatever that may be. From Star Trek to Star Gate, the masses have been gradually honed towards having some sort of ideas of what is going on and what to expect, through fiction comes reality. Conspiracy theories will abound on every negative expect of the CERN Project and rightfully so as this mega scientific undertaking concerns us all as part of humanity; we cannot afford to play ignorance. The ramifications of the outcome of this project is no small matter that concerns only the scientific community and it has the blessings of most of the European nations as well as the  Untied States, Iran and China.. All that has been accumulating over the years with regard to UFOs and Multi-Dimensional worlds is now being put to the test and not to dismiss the religious as well as spiritual implications on the subject. "Opening the doorway to Hell" some theorists accuses CERN Project as proposing to do while others sees it as and an invitation to unknown alien entities or civilization asyet another possibility. It is up to us the lay man to at the very least try to understand this inevitable outcome one way or another.
The way I see it, humanity is at a cross road towards self destruction through our failure to alter our own history towards a more positive future. Wars, famine, degradation of the environment, we are shitting on the very late we eat our meals. What is the difference if mankind take its leap of faith through seeking an answer through a brave and audacious undertaking to find the answers to our ailments. it is our very own apathy and wanton disregard for the well being of this planet tht has driven the scientific minds of out times to take the chances and go for broke. It is also our egotistical nature to see things happens in our time rather than leave it to the future generation to make the discoveries of the nature or our existence. We asked for it in essence for this to happen and all i can say to my loved ones is be aware and be prepared to face whatever the outcome may be comes the 23rd. of this month when the LHC will fire up and shoot its most powerful force in its history in order to recreate the Big Bang...to boldly go where no mind has gone before; may the Grace of God be there for us all.
      

I am concern about - Cern Hadron Collider.

I have just finished reading the novel "The Lost Symbol" by Dan Brown author of The Da Vinci Code and "Angels and Demons" and a few other great read. No doubt in my mind that dan brown is one of the Master story tellers of our time in the company of Steven King and Tom Clancy. This is my second read of the novel and as is the case it became more clearer to me the story line that primarily involves the mysteries of the ancient wisdom as handed down through the 'Free Mason' movement. I have had a great interest in the subject such as The Free Mason and The Rosicrucian, among other 'occult' schools of the ages.  I was  introduced to the study of these schools as i would call them early in my secondary school days when I was hanging out at the Penang State Library and stumbled upon a monthly magazine called "Man Myth and Magic". It was in this magazine that i came upon the works of Madam Blavatsky and Alistair Crawly, G.I. Gurdjief and later while in college i came upon the works of C.G. Jung which captivated my interest on the mystery of Alchemy among other things.
It was while I was travelling in Colorado Rocky Mountains that I was loaned a voluminous book called the "The Book of Secrets" said to have been very limitedly published, like 87 copies in all ( it is not by Deepak Chopra who has the same title for one of his book), Or I might have forgotten the real title. In this book i found the history of all the Metaphysical schools from the Egyptian trough the Greeks and Hindu and Chinese ancient schools of thoughts and wisdom. It was in Central City, Colorado that this happened and the book belonged to a couple living in a very small town of Black Hawk a few miles downhill from Central City. It was loaned to me as a favor to my host at the time of my stay with the American Artist Angelo De Benedetto at his studio in  Central City. I had told angelo that I had a vivid dream one morning and the in it someone was shouting at me that i was an Eclectic and i wondered wht it meant. In answer Angelo introduced me to his friends a couple who had a pottery shop in Black Hawk, who loaned me the book to read. It was in this large and ornate book that i was exposed to all the schools of ancient thoughts and wisdom of man through history.
Hence in essence I am not new to the studies of ancient schools of philosophies and wisdom and had my interest in the subject of occultism and such schools as the Free Masons and various other schools from all over the world since at a very early age just as i had been interested in religions due to my upbringing. I can easily relate to all these esoteric schools and subjects without feeling like I am learning about them the first time. Sometimes i feel like I was meant to be exposed to these knowledge as they seem to 'fall into my lap', at some point in my life. Was i meant to study these ancient wisdoms for a particular reason when other kids were busy with playing the guitar and having fun, I was wrapped into the mysteries of the ages. I still remember given as a present by a friend in college a book entitled, 'Thoth Trimegistus - the Hermetic teachings out of the blue and i was captivated by what i read.
Sadly enough I never tried to remember much of what i read but i was very much into understanding what i read. Till this day I still read pretty much the same way, understand but not memorize. I believe that my mind is capable of recalling whatever I have read or exposed to and to try to memorize what i read is like overloading my mind unnecessarily; I trust my ability to recollect if and when I need to. Off course it does not work all the time, but most of the time they come to me when I allow my mind to reflect on what i want to write about.As an artist i believe i have a photographic memory. however i have difficulty remembering what I do not understand when I read something: like reading  C.Jung's works or Frederick Nietzsche. However, true to my being an eclectic as told in my dream I picked out what made sense or relevant and dropped all else.
Today my mind is more concerned with what is developing in Cern, Switzerland with the Hadron Collider experiments being carried out there. It is Humanity's ambitious scientific project that causes much 'con-cern'. punt intended. The ramifications of such an undertaking is alarming to say the least and should i worry about it? The 'conspiracy theorists' are going wild about it and for good reasons. What is the intention of this enormous project and how is it suppose to benefit humanity as a whole? I think it is for all of us to ask and learn all we can about his upcoming event that will take place on the 23rd of September of this year. This is where as far as i am concern science will collide with ancient religious and spiritual wisdom. I will stop here and ask you to look it up yourselves on You Tube. 

     
     

Just another random rambling over nothin in partucular.

As i browsed the You Tube on spiritual, consciousness and neorsciece dealing with the brain functions and so forth, I realized how my mind is lost in boredom looking for an escape to spend its time on. Mooji, SadGuru, TED Talks and a host of other videos pops up and i listened to this and that in parts as each seemed like a repeatition of what I have listened to before. What exactly is my mind looking for? What am I looking for? Why can't i just listen to some good music where i don't have to think much about and worse why don't I just watch a movie or some funny videos to waste my time away? Am I wasting my time away? What am i suppose to do that is other than what i am doing now? I am not disciplined in managing my time  someone said and I asked what exactly is this so called time management? 
If I am being employed, paid for my time, I understand that i hve the need to mnage my time to ensure a maximum productivity in the use of my time. If i am not on anyone else's clock why do i need to manage my time? Other than doing what needs to be done to a responsibility, or fulfill an obligation, I have to time to manage, I would rather sleep and dream some off the wall dreams than force myself to make plans in doing what I really have no desire or intention of going out of my way to do it just to justify the fact that I am being productive; I would rather be doing nothing in particular. Call it being lazy, or unproductive or even being irresponsible as a human being, I find that when I do nothing more things happen than when I force myself to 'do something'. As Sadguru keeps rambling on and on about turning a banana into a human being and Mooji Baba keeps telling me not to do this or that in order to be, I am still here wondering what it is all about at the end of the day.
The question still remains like a broken record, who or what am I? I am not the body, this i accept, I am not the mind, this too i accept, what remains? Who am I? This is my Zen Koan or mondo as it is called in the Zen Buddhist tradition. This seemingly simple question has burned a hole in my brain over the years, it has kept me  awake at night and haunted me in my darkest moments. I found answers here and there through religions and philosophies, through readings and listening to talks given by great minds, but as soon as it is over I am back to the same question. Every notion I came across as explained by others are just like water poured over a lotus leaf. Yes i realize that this too is my mind's game of 'wasting time'. but how does one not waste time? What is the criteria that says my time is not wasted? Am I wasting my time making this entry in my Blog? What good am I expecting to get from doing this day in day out till it becomes like an addiction? 
Come on mind! Why the hesitation? Yes. i hesitated to find the right answer or even the words to say what is in my mind. Is my mind really making this self enquiry? Or am i whatever the I  is, is doing it? Hesitate. Am I having a mental delusion from making something out of nothing, am i playing mind games with myself? Is this being creative/ Productive? A good justification to call myself a human being, a thinking animal that is crying out that I deserve to be here just like everyone else? Yes, it is a mental diarrhoea, a juggling of random thoughts to make sense out of non- sense; a waste of time? Should i quote Descarte, " I think, therefor I am"? or should i quote the Upanishads " I Am Atma-Brahman" or the Jewish God, "I Am That, I Am"? Again like a well worn broken record I am back to same delusional state of running in circles chasing my tail.  Someone suggested that i should go to India like everyone else with the same delusional mind and sit at the feet of a Guru till I find out who I truly am! How can another person tell me who I am? 
The Buddha spent a long time seeking for the answer and in the end is convinced that the self does not exist. Science has proven that even the physical body does not really exist and philosophers have throughout the ages argued this issue inside out and still are not convinced if they are right or wrong. In this realm of existence I am as real as i can get and what i do with myself whether I am wasting my time or otherwise is all i have till I wither away mentally and physically and die. In the meantime I have made my entry and fulfilled my obligation to myself of keeping and ongoing rambling as a means of juggling my mind when it gets too restless or bored. 

What will become of my Island.

Man has been alloted a short lifespan that he fills it with all kinds of actvities and leisure and calls it life and living. Some men are born with a silver spoon in their mouth while others have to struggle all through their lives to make ends meet. if only they could share the burden from those who hav and those who have not.

Clingign on to a way of life as so called progress pushes you out to the sea to fend for yourself. This is the life of the fishermen in the Goergetown . Being on the outskirt of the World Heritage Claim, this enclave of Malay fishing community faces a very uncertain future. If and when this whole front is being developed as according to some developers plans, this tate will loose a part of its real heritage, not that of the preservation of Colonialism but the ways of the Malay fishermen.

I have  been visiting this area for more that a decade just to pass my time away capturing the its rustice beauty and making frineds with the locals in order to have a glimpse of the other side of life. As time progresses I see much dark clouds hovering in the horizon threatening to invade the peaceful landscaape around me. Such is the fate facing the fishermen who work out of this jety.

The Malays are not against development, it si the manner in which it is undertaken which they object to. They know they are loosing their heritage of being the original fishermen in the area ever since their parents settled along the coastal of the island. They object to being herded into low cost housing that disrupts their way of life especially as Muslims. 

Eversince the state was wrested from the Federal Government by the predominently Chinese oppositon party, the malays have been slowly but surely driven from their village lifestyle practically into the sea. Malay politicans are as good as how much they can gain from their elected positions by practically seeling off the malay rights and inheritence to the developers. Ask any Malay here and they will tell you of how it is the elected Malays themselves that sold them out.

This no doubt id a multi racial society that practices democracy as its system of governement, however more and more it can be seen that the Chinese led government is bound and determined to lessen the presence and influences of the Malays on the island. The Malays stands no chance against the financially strong Chinese backed by overseas Chinese such as Singapore, Hong Kong and Taiwan buying up the island piece by piece. The Federal government that is the only entity the malays could depend on is as helpless as a lame duck. 

The Malays in Penang as nowhere else in the country, are truly the victims of their own elected government officials in the 60 years of the country's independence. They nkow this but can do very little as the powers that be today have thfate in a strangle hold of economic as well as political agendas. Penang is destined to loose her heritage and become another Singapore or Hong Kong with the Malays becoming the servants to their wealthy Chinese masters.

Do I exist?

"Hello! Hello!, is there anybody out there?...
Pink Floyd.

If there is no 'self' to be talked of then who is making this Blog entry and who is reading it? According the many latest scientific as well philosophical understanding especially of the mind and of consciousness itself, ithat the self that we assume to be who we are does not really exist in reality. We are all part and parcel of the 'whole' manifesting as individuals in this realm of consciousness. That of who we 'think as who we are is in reality is just that; consciousness itself. We have evolved to become who we think we are through the process of conditioning and assimilation and adaption throughout our lives. From the day we were conceived till the day we die we are constantly being made to accept the tribal, societal and national norm in which we are being exposed to. Our minds is a product of the neurological functioning of our brain which is a power house and the source to our ability to function as who we are in this realm of existence; the physical or Nirmanakaya of the Buddhist realm. 
As the scientists and the contemporary philosophers delve into the nature of our existencewhat is true and what is deeper and deeper, we are set upon with numerous questions and issues that demands our attention if we are indeed true seekers of the truth. Religions are being bombarded by questions and new discovereis in their authenticity and purity and no religion is free from the scrutiny of the modern day thinkers and through acheological studies and the new  discoveries of historical facts, religions has become a spiritual jig saw puzzle with every new discovery made raising doubts and confirmations as the case may be. Science is gradually taking the lead in bringing human understanding of religions in the context of human understanding of who or what we truly are. The question "Iis there a God" or Life after death, heaven and hell and so forth, is being put under the microscope, dissected and studied from all angles and sources with the aid of the easily accessible information in this technological age of mass communication.
The Buddha is said to have said that, "For so long as there is an 'I', man will go through the life of suffering; I = suffering. Hence, no 'I', no suffering.  How does one come to a personal understanding of this idiom.  It would be next to impossible for a lay Muslim to accept this dictum as it goes against every tenets and principles of the religion. Man is created as an being with a soul and a body primarily and according to the Quran, Allah (SWT) created man and Jins for no other reason than to worship the One True God. Christianity on the other hand professes that only through Jesus (PBH) can man find his salvation. Hinduism teaches that it is man's realization of his Atma Brahman, his ultimate Divine Consciousness that is the goal of his liberation. In all of these beliefs and practices throughout the ages there has always been an 'I' that needs to be understood and dealt with at least spiritually. There was never a time when the 'I' does not exist as everytime we communicate we begin with an I. We acknowledge that there is an entity witihn that is distinct from all else 'otu there'. This I, the self, is a common denominator among man universally. "I Am, That I Am!" The Lord said unto Moses and I am Atman, the spiritual principle of the Universe, according to Hinduism. So, who or what is 'I'? The I that we grew up with and spend a great deal of the time defending it against any form of attack or threats albeit socially or physically.









  

Haji Israel's Bakery - Kuala Terengganu

I stay with my nephew and his family whenever i return to Kuala Terengganu and here I am being treated with Love and respect to an uncle and a grand incle. 

Due to competition the sales has been not as lucratiive but the spirit of making it togehter as a family business is very much alive.

The handed down family tradition of making bread will stayon to the next generation.

The days when the bakery was fired with wood is long gone.

Time to be creative with your products.

A Family that works together stays together.

The eldest of my nephews is a very strong and dedicaated religious man devoting his life for his family despite his physical pains.

Terengganu Darul Iman.

My mind is going through a loop in figuring out what is it that makes for the truth of being who I am. My trip to the East Coast has in some ways  has woken me up to parts of me that has been laying dormant in the subconscious particularly in my religious understanding or my faith. After having a long and meaningful converstion with my friend Fadzly Mubin, a computer engineer as well as a professional photographer, it dawned upon me that I am not too far off the mark in my chosen path towards self discovery. All my years of searching and trying to understand what is it that matters most in my life, I came to realize the simple truth that all it takes is to be able to love with the unconditional love that only God can have towards His creation. Fadzly, my close friend of over ten years laid it out for me as we drove from one end of Kuala Terengganu to the other in his car and at our stops at the coffee shops, that it is through the power of Love that we worship the Lord just as it is also through the same power that he created the Universe and man.

Fadzly Mubin

Terengganu Darul Iman, which means the Abode of Faith is for me a place that has been like a religious energizer especially as a Muslim. Each state in the country carries such similar 'titles', like for example the state of Pahang has Darul Makmur or the Peaceful Abode, Johor Darul Takzim or Abode of Dignity and so forth. Hence having spent a good part of my life in this East Coast state of the Abode of Faith it is somehow appropriate that I keep returning to it to rejuvenate my faith every now and then especially when I feel at my lowest ebb. The people themselves are very deeply religious,    more so than other states or so it seems. Early one morning while staying at the Awi's Yellow House on the banks of Pulau Duyong, I heard from no less than six mosques and suraus from all directions around me the call for the Subuh or morning prayer. While driving to the work site in Kerteh about 80 kilometers south from Kuala terengganu before the sunrise as i usually did, I would see women in all white long prayer dresses walking towards the mosque or nearby suraus to pray, it moved me to see how pious these people were.

The Crystal Mosque located. along the  Terengganu River

        I was converted to Islam at the age of twelve while living in Terengganu after moving there from Penang where i was being raised as a Buddhist cum Muslim, ( long story told already somewhere in this Blog). My experience of the event was not a good one as it was a painful experience having my penis circumcised. I bore it as best i could but my true conversion happen when I met my martial arts instructor and was taken under his wing. In his own way he opened my eyes to what Islam meant beyond the rituals, I discovered what faith meant, what surrender meant and what it was to become a good Muslim. i did not qualify by a long shot as i was even back then too angry and twisted in my ways to accept faith. He told me once that i have a long way ahead of me to truly become a true Muslim. I did not fully understood what he meant then but today after all the years of roaming in blindness searching for my own true faith, I have come to realize what he meant.

The Solat, or Prayer- five times a day.

I consider it a blessing even to this day if i could pray the full five times a day prayers as is obligatory in Islam. it is not that i have no faith in my Lord, but I simply feel not really connected when I do these prayers. It is almost like i am doing it simply because...I pray in my heart all the time, talking to my Lord and asking for His forgiveness and blessings and I do this every time I meditate or contemplate in silence. It is during these moments that i felt closest to The all Mighty; not when I pray the regulated prayers. perhaps I will never be able to fulfill the mandatory prayers, but in my heart i feel the presence of the Divine every time my hearts is free from all my mental clutters and I find the silence in me. If my way is not acceptable by the Muslim standard then i am truly screwed as at my age I find it harder to abide by the rules of the religion. All i can hope for is His infinite Mercy and Understanding.