When heaven can't heal.



Chaos by Karim age 2 or so.



For whatever reason to days has been a  drag so far as i sit here with a nagging head ache and a stomach that is growling fir food or at least a drink, but it is not meant to be as I am fasting and fasting while at the same time being totally broke is not such as good combination to have. I am hanging in there as best i can even though there is a bottle of mineral water sitting close by on my desk and no one around to bear witness to my committing a breach of faith at present. Such is the challenges that confronts you during the fasting month though it may seem an easy task to some who has never really genuinely tried.

My daughter as expected, text me a message that reads"Dad, I am broke and also needs to buy bus ticket to get home', yeah, fortunately I have fifty in my account and forty in my wallet so, seventy Ringgit was banked into her account and the remainder will go for gasoline which is running low in the Kancil's tank. I was going to pay my 'Zakat'or tithe which amounts to 21RM for the three of us but will have to wait on that priority is in the fuel or I will be stuck not being able tod rive. This being able to nag in my blog is part of being able to drive to get here, hence kancil fuel comes first. I am not seeking sympathy in writing this but it is part and parcel of my catharsis, to let go of, to get rid of to get it all out there or I will implode. I am trying my damnedest to have faith in my practice, to give God a chance to help me out, to refuse to turn for help from my normal sources, it is a fool's road i walk on and the more deeply i find myself into this so called practice the worse i feel about who I am; perhaps this too will pass.

I have been offered to go to New York to help out one of my nieces to run her business while she delivers her baby I am very excited about it but again that doubtful feeling creeps in in the form of , will I be able to pull it off or will it be pulling me off from my comfort zone and put me into a less desirable situation than I already am. So, what is it that is gnawing at my balls at the present moment/ Money situation? The fasting? Not having had a piece for God knows how long? My daily meditation practice not producing any worthwhile results? my art being put on hold due to lack of inspiration and motivation or am I finally going to die? I should be so lucky.

The Buddhist calls this state of mind as being deluded, living in ignorance due to attachment to life itself. There is no cure in this except by seeing it through and recognizing it for what it is and move on unless one has guts enough to place the gun in your mouth and say 'Astalavista baby!" Nope too dramatic an exit and not worth the bullet. I would rather rob a millionaire or a bank if i own a gun. Are you following how my mind is working when it is under stress from all these external pressures, (or lack of it)? This is primarily how most of our minds functions daily or even moment to moment. This is my reason for keeping on writing, just to keep myself  in tune with what goes on in my head. I am my own worse enemy when it comes to cutting and chopping my self to bits and pieces often to the detriment of my  physical and not to mention my mental health. Healing my 'self' is not exactly healing myself, it is like beating my head silly against the wall just to stop it from hurting.

I am sitting in limbo, like a bird without a song as the lyric goes in Jimmy Cliff's song with the same title, my mother did tell me that there will be days like these when it is all pain and achy feelings all over. Only the Muslim God called Allah is wise enough ot come up with such spiritual game plan like the fasting month where everything just hangs out as such in order for man to test himself against his appetites and desires; there is none to blame if we succumb or give up in this as Satan and all his minions are being held in prison for this whole month of Ramadan. So, who can you blame but your own bloody weaknesses, your lack of discipline and your lack of faith and commitment. Whack! whack! whack! This is self mortification, self-abuse, this is spring cleaning of the soul and a great majority of Muslim man women and child endures it all for their faith in God as it is God's will that we fast.

Off course they are those who endures hell of allot more than i during this month of Ramadan and I don't have to look far, my cousin's husband Mohamad kalam is one such person and he has the choice of not having to if he so chooses. He never misses the five times a day prayers as well as the 'Tarawih' prayers at the mosque where they pray for twenty rakaats, (like they bow at least twenty times up and down after the evening prayer or Ishak. Very few people can go through such rigorous prayer especially after fasting throughout the day and he is approaching seventy. Then there are those who work out all day in the hot sun at construction sites and in the middle of rice fields or out in the open seas, these are real men of faith, not the likes of me. I moan and groan at every little adversity or vexations that comes my way like a wiener and has the audacity to write about it.

Bottom line is it is hard to draw any kind of conclusion as to what is right or wrong, each religion, each faith or practice is based upon one's perception of what one perceives the truth to be. I am not much for rituals but i sit and meditate, I sit and try to 'untangle the tangle', unravel the mysteries that is behind all faiths and religions, I sit to empty my mind of all inflictions due to too much thinking. I sit in order that I might find a little peace in between the thoughts that has been buzzing in my head all these years. I sit in order to stay in touch with my breath as it flows in and out. I sit just so that I can become at one with what Is. I am the center of my universe when i am sitting. I am the mirror of that reflects all that is within and without with no attachment nor rejection of all that manifest before me. When I sit I become one with the Whole, the Complete the Emptiness of my Being