Friday Again!

Hence the dip came,  in the form of a chest pain, excruciating angina like chest pain , LIKE A RAILROAD SPIKE IS BEING RUN THROUGH YOU FROM BACK TO FRONT!. Lasting almost two days now; this is the low after having a brief high on nothing-ness the previous day...and this too will pass? Hope so. I sure hat to learn that I got cancer of one kind or another which i suspect I suspect i do, but never been to the doctor so can't tell for sure or worry for sure. No reason to live too long anymore the truth be told but cannot take my own life willingly either so why not a terminal something for the affect of cause; he died of,,,
Nope i am not suicidal or have any death wish before my allotted time but i have no desire for a prolonged life either,. I realized this as I sat in the fisherman's pondok facing the sea with heavy rain and winds lashing from all around me. I have had this feeling many times before but today it was more real and the feeling was one of just letting it be and letting go of this Being. I felt the futility of living till i cannot walk anymore or coughing and hacking to the curses of others around me, I am completely turned off by the mockery of religions and the suffering inflicted upon my fellow man by powers that be. Thank God it is Friday!
The Imam rambled on about 'Tawakal' or complete faith in Allah, they all do this on every Friday, at least they start off with it, a constant reminder that we need to have faith in the Lord. I have mine slowly but surely evolving over the years from whence i was a spiritually ignorant to what I am today a wannabe born again Muslim; not easy as it seems.
Faith alone is not enough for one to be on the path closer to Allah, one needs complete surrender and wisdom and one needs to have the will to act accordingly despite all the sermons and the threats of hell, especially when you still have a guy standing/sitting next to you trying his best to prove that he is closer to God than you will ever be in the mosque. It never fails, there will be an overly pious jerk ranting out the verses of the Quran throwing you off from focusing on your own prayer. There goes your Friday prayer out of the window simply because you cannot dismiss the idiot next to you with a pious. ego. But that's normal in the mosque anywhere in the world; I dress better, I smell better with all the Attar oil and i can read better and louder and I have the very look of the prophet himself (Pbu), with my long white beard. And please do not expect me to smile at you when we salam, (shake hands ) each other, it is not my style the idiot seems to say when you look into his eyes to see if there is any genuine life in there before you leave.
The Imam today was exemplary in his sermon, he was clear and did not need to read from the text but came off directly without a hitch, he was good..He was young and he had energy. All in all it was a good Friday Prayer at the Masjid Jamek in Sungai Pinang this Friday. God was there in the beginning untill the guy started to throw his beads and a thick Quran in front of him as though he was about to embark upon a long spiritual journey which caught my mental imagerys of strangling him., and God was no more, the rest of the service was just details.
So up and down, up and down we go through this so called life trying our damnedest to be rational, willing to take punches and go with the flow. And God is still watching me, watching over me, that is the best assurance i have found throughout my life I have felt His presence but I never did pay too much attention to what good it does as i am always floating up and down like a cork being buffeted in the wind and rain in a sea that is more cloudy than the haze a day or two ago. Yes the rain has eased off the haze problem but it has also created a new one and this not many seems to recognize till it is too late; acid rain., more dangerous to life forms than haze itself. But hey , we count our blessing, cannot go around worrying over things that we cannot do much about can we?; exactly what the mind loves to do, think! think and more to think about, what a happy life it is when there is so much one can think about all day long, Life is one damn thing after another, as Winston Churchill once uttered.
continued.
Last night I was at the Lam Wa EE Hospital, private hospital that ask for your insurance policy number and all payment details first, then attend to your  why you were there, like in the United States. My cousin's older brother in his seventies was admitted. All of us agreed that all he is suffering from is being neglected by his children and most importantly missing his grand children, a common cause of many premature deaths among men who whose wife has passed away before him, loneliness. Sadly still are for those who made no effort to stay connected to friends and relatives as is more and more the case today. Anyway it was what he said to me as he was being wheeled through the hallway was this is life, one day you are well the next you are sick!  I was stumped by what he uttered to me with this big grin on his face. I said to him that there is two kinds of illnesses in this life, the one that comes looking for you and the then there is  the one you go looking for. Which are you suffering from? I said it out loud enough for the brother, the son in law, the hospital guy pushing the wheelchair and the nurse walking ahead leading the procession. I did not know where it came from but it was there and i said to a sick man older than me perhaps things left unsaid. What triggered in me was the fact that we live in denial, i do, most of us do. The uglier the drama the deeper the denial and don't mind getting sick on account of it, terminal illnesses even; illnesses we go looking for.
My stabbing pain from front through the back, I dealt with and is now gone, I completely believe in self healing, through Yogic means and through my surrendering to the will of my Creator, if is time to go, it is time to go; in the meantime stop hassling me with aches and pains, sickness and illnesses, I would rather dedicate this time towards serving my Lord by serving His creation. I will try my best to do my bit and hopefully my bit will grow into a passion and my passion will manifest into what is the reality of Being.

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